


The Hangman

by flowerboy_11



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of self-harm, Pining, Slow Burn, Wrong Number AU, if you squint you may spot some background ships, lots and lots of texting, mentions of drug abuse, yes felix has a cat named cat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:15:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 230,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21597499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerboy_11/pseuds/flowerboy_11
Summary: It's another one of those lonely nights on which Felix is occupied by nothing more than work and taking care of his cat. His phone buzzes, and he thinks it's his stupid boss with an even stupider idea but no, it's a horny manwhore trying to get the woman he recently chatted up into bed. Felix decides to be chivalric enough to clear up the mistake, and fails to predict how big an impact this small gesture of his will have on his sorry excuse for a life.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 920
Kudos: 1065





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my late-night project. Expect irregular updates all over the place, varying in length as much as in quality. Nevertheless, I hope you'll enjoy the fic!

Felix’s eyes drift to the upper right corner of his laptop screen. _11:34 PM_. Sighing, he rubs at his eyes, sight gone blurry and watery from the glare of the screen in the dark. _Only two more charts to look over_ , he tells himself. _Only two more._ The pillow he’s propped up against is too strong an invitation to decline much longer.

Fucking Blaiddyd never knows when to stop. As Felix’s boss, he can dictate Felix around like the pawn he really is to him. The management position is all right, the pay is better, but it’s not like it makes a difference when in the end you waste away your life in front of electronics.

When he’s not on the computer, Felix is on his phone. It’s always turned on in case of Blaiddyd coming up with another grand idea in the middle of the fucking night. The man either doesn’t sleep or does it on the job. The invariable consequence is Felix going down with him. What do they say? You can sleep when you’re dead? At this rate, the day death comes knocking on Felix’s front door lies just around the corner. If he’s lucky, death’s going to sack Blaiddyd first and relieve Felix of this burden that is management.

At this point, the buzz of his phone comes as no surprise. Felix completes his work on the final chart, closes his laptop, and blinks into the dark. He thinks he can actually feel his pupils widen, hurting with the effort. Because his phone only buzzed once—no call, thank the saints—Felix puts away his computer first, then gets changed, washes his face and cleans his teeth before dragging himself back into bed. In the meantime, Cat has noticed the warm space Felix occupied and curled up on it. Felix slides in on the free side. His phone is still lying there, a white point lighting up to indicate the message waiting for him.

Sighing, Felix makes himself comfortable, pulling the covers over himself, before facing the phone screen’s illumination. It’s indeed a text, sent from a number not saved in his phone.

**Unknown number:** Hey this is sylvain! U remember we talked at casagrandas right??? I cant get u out of my head

Against both his better judgment and the yawn Felix stifles, he guesses he should inform the poor sod he’s been played.

**Felix:** Sorry. You appear to have the wrong number

**Unknown number:** What! No way. She would never lie to me!!!

**Felix:** Your logic is flawed. Either she lied and gave you the wrong number or she is lying right at this moment

**Unknown number:** Huh… Would u lie to me?

**Felix:** I’m still undecided

With that Felix decides to shut his phone off. If Blaiddyd wants something from him, he can kick in the front door for all Felix cares. The animal sure looks capable enough of the act.


	2. Day 2

The phone alarm goes off too early in the morning. Although Felix is usually thankful for the feature, especially since it works even when the thing is turned off, this particular morning he’d like to fling it against the wall with all his feelings towards his management position attached. Maybe they’ll both go up in pieces. Would be a nice change of pace.

Like the sensible person he is, Felix only shuts off the alarm and turns his phone on. To postpone looking at the screen in case of missed calls from Blaiddyd as long as possible, he leaves it in the bedroom while following Cat into the kitchen. Chugging down two quick and hot cups of coffee scalding his tongue, Felix dumps food in Cat’s bowl and refills her water. He makes himself rudimentarily presentable in the bathroom, yanks on some fresh clothes, grabs his keys, his laptop and his phone and leaves for work. He has presentations to make (stupid fucking charts) and ready by early afternoon or Blaiddyd will fry him alive, in front of all his colleagues. And have this expression of sheer sadistic merriment on his face while he does so. Animal.

On the way to his car Felix risks a look at his phone. And is taken aback by the flood of messages—relatively speaking, seeing as Felix is only ever assaulted by Blaiddyd’s untimely calls on the thing—he’s received in the night.

 **Unknown number:** What!!!!!

 **Unknown number:** I cant believe it

 **Unknown number:** I dont mean u i mean her… The audacity…

 **Unknown number:** I mean she couldve just told me she didnt want to give out her number instead of pulling this trick on me

 **Unknown number:** Did u go to bed already??? Why arent u answering anymore

 **Unknown number:** Im so lonely

According to the timestamps, there’s a break of about five hours before the final text.

 **Unknown number:** Are u cute too? :P

Felix slams the driver’s side door shut.

 **Felix:** No

He makes sure his phone won’t buzz during his drive to work, and he will make a point of not checking it for the rest of the day.

* * *

“You arrived just in time,” Blaiddyd greets Felix as the latter steps into the building. Blaiddyd looks suspiciously chipper, a smile dancing on his lips and in his eye.

“What is it?” _Please don’t let it be the presentation. Please don’t._ Felix makes sure his face won’t betray any emotion.

“There’s someone we’d like you to interview.” Blaiddyd turns around, leaving Felix no choice but to follow. He doesn’t remind Blaiddyd that for starters this isn’t _his_ job, and furthermore, he has other work to occupy himself with. The thought of leaving Blaiddyd to go to the applicant on his own before realizing the absence of Felix does brighten Felix’s mood somewhat.

“For which position?”

“Mainly customer acquisition. But if you think he’s made for customer or personnel management, he’s also hired.” Perfect. Then this might be the last time Felix will have to do this.

“Do you have his CV ready?”

“Yes. It should be in the room with your interviewee.” Blaiddyd leads Felix up a flight of stairs, takes a sharp right, and comes to a stop in front of a door. “He seems to be naïve. Don’t break him.”

Felix rolls his eyes at Blaiddyd’s back. _I’m not you_ , he thinks.

Blaiddyd opens the door for him. Felix steps inside with a nod of acknowledgment, grip slackening on his laptop carrier when the door is closed behind him. A young man is already sitting at a table, gray hair falling across his face as he’s reading something on his phone. He looks up sharply at the sound of the door shutting and sets his phone face-down on the table. A faint flush colors his freckled face, green eyes bright and alert, an open smile gracing his mouth. He tucks a few strands of hair behind his left ear as he stands up, holding out his other hand. “Hello. My name’s Ashe Ubert. I applied here for a position in customer counseling.”

This isn’t what Blaiddyd told Felix. Typical. With additional dismay, Felix notes the newcomer is as tall as him. Schooling his face into an expression of neutrality, he shakes the proffered hand. “Felix Fraldarius. Allow me a moment to get ready.” He sits down across from the other man whose CV is thankfully lying ready just as Blaiddyd assumed, shrugs out of his cloak, and scans the documents. “I’m sorry. I’ve only been told five minutes ago”—actually, less—“that I am to interview you.”

“It’s no problem. Please take your time.”

Felix hums in the affirmative. As far as he can see, everything looks to be in order. “You studied for longer than is normal in this field.”

“I struggled with unexpected financial problems and had to take on two jobs on the side. Then I didn’t have as much time for my education anymore.”

Felix hums again, setting the documents down and looking at the man sitting across from him. He doesn’t have the permanent bags under his eyes that will become part of him as soon as he’s taking on the job. Felix swears every single person working here suffers from sleep deprivation and stress. “A degree is a degree, no matter how long it takes one to complete it.” Shuffling through the CV again, Felix pulls out a pair of certificates. “You also took extra classes on data processing.”

“Yes. I thought they’d be useful.”

“They are. I’m also impressed by your internship in one of our branch offices.” A lie. Felix only had time to vaguely look over the report the branch filed for Ubert but it looks to be full of praise. Felix puts the documents back into order, knocking their edges against the table’s surface to even their heights. “But, Mr. Ubert, please tell me why you want to work at Blue Lions Financing and Real Estate.”

Ubert takes a moment to think about it. “What sets your company apart from others is the way you treat customers. I’ve been in a sore spot myself, as you recall, and when I looked for help, you—Blue Lions, I mean—were there to provide it.”

“So you’re a customer yourself?”

“Yes. And I want to give back to the community what I experienced.”

 _How noble._ Felix takes care not to roll his eyes. “And these experiences are wholly positive?”

Ubert nods. “Yes, of course.”

“You are aware Blue Lions offers more than student loans?”

“Yes, of course!” Ubert’s eyes widen in shock. “You give out loans in general, to all sorts of people in all sorts of situations, although you use reliability checks to guarantee the money will be paid back, interest included. As your company’s full name implies, you also deal in real estate. Mostly you buy buildings, renovate them to be climate-friendly and in accordance with emission reduction laws. The refurbished buildings are then rented to either other companies as office space, or, usually, as living space to normal people.”

Felix nods along to Ubert’s explanation. “You did your homework.”

Ubert’s smile falters for a split-second before being back with its full radiance. “Yes, of course.” He nods. “I admire your company policies. I wouldn’t want to work somewhere where customers are exploited for monetary gain.” Heh. Doesn’t seem like he knows the flip side isn’t far from truth—in Felix’s case, anyway. To make this all work, and to save the company money, he’s the one who has to pay for it.

What a stupid way to phrase this in his head. Clearing his throat to shake the train of thought, Felix says, “And it looks to me as if you’ve known this for quite some time now.”

“Yes. I’d be very pleased if you offered me a chance to prove myself.”

Felix battles with the urge to smirk. “What would you say to a trial period of two weeks? We’ll have to make sure you fit with the team.”

Ubert’s smile finally lessens in its intensity. “Is it going to be paid?”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Felix taps the CV with his index finger. “If you don’t have any further questions, expect to hear from me within the next 48 hours.”

“I will.” Ubert nods. “Thank you.” He stands up, slipping his phone into one of his pants’ front pockets and holding out the other hand.

Felix shakes it. “Have a good day.”

“You, too.”

Ubert’s already on his way to the door while Felix grabs his laptop carrier and his cloak. He doesn’t know what to do with the CV, so he tugs it under his arm as well. He’ll need Ubert’s number. “Do you want me to show you out?”

“Yes, that’d be nice. The building’s rather big.” Ubert waits by the door for Felix, holding it open for him. Felix nods in thanks. He leads the way back: sharp right, down the stairs and straight ahead to the front door. “How long have you been working here?” Ubert asks on the way.

“Six years.” Felix doesn’t elaborate the reason he’s only second to Blaiddyd in command after such a short career and at such a young age is because he inherited his position from his late father. His stupid old man passed away way too early. And now it’s Felix who wastes his life away.

“No wonder you find your way around so easily.”

Felix only hums and is relieved when Ubert gets the unspoken message that his smalltalk is not wanted. “Have a good day,” Felix repeats himself when they finally reach the exit.

“You, too. I’ll be awaiting your call.” Ubert flashes a quick smile before ducking out the door.

Fucking finally can Felix march to his office and start on his stupid presentation.

* * *

Sacrificing his break and chugging back coffee after coffee, Felix manages to finish the presentation on time. While he can work well with the time constraints his job and his boss try him with again and again, it’s taking a toll on his health: Felix sleeps badly, having trouble falling asleep in the first place and when he does, being rewarded with waking up in the middle of the night. He doesn’t eat enough, and what enters his stomach boils down to mostly greasy junk food. He just doesn’t have the time to wait for his food being cooked, although he could easily pay for it. To illustrate his mental point: It’s afternoon now and so far the whole of his stomach’s contents is coffee.

His thoughts drifting off is another of his problems. Sure, he’s currently standing in the spotlight in the Blue Lions Financing and Real Estate conference room, pointing at graphs projected onto the wall and explaining what the red and blue and black lines mean, but that doesn’t keep him from mentally reveling in his misery.

The most disturbing of his listeners by far is Blaiddyd. He shows way too much interest and enthusiasm for some colored lines on the walls. Everyone’s but his face look bored out of their minds, and Felix wonders once again why he puts up with this. Certainly not for Blaiddyd’s puppy eye. Sitting next to him is Molinaro, Blaiddyd’s ever-faithful shadow, who may be the reason. The man looks like he participates in bar fights for fun, and comes out the winner on top. Combined with Blaiddyd’s feral lust for making others _pay_ they are a duo radiating aggression and inflicting fear.

Certainly in Felix, if he’s allowed to admit that one little detail more.

A discussion conference follows the presentation. Felix can’t wait for it to be over. He’s just as bored as everyone sans Blaiddyd looks. He has the final say anyway, so what’s it matter? On top of that, Felix’s stomach is cramping. As he’s playing with the thought of pretending to have to use the toilet in order to sneak in a chocolate bar from the vending machine one floor down, Blaiddyd comes to a decision and calls the conference to a close.

After everyone of negligible importance, including Molinaro, has filed out, Blaiddyd approaches Felix who’s disconnecting his laptop from the beamer. “How was the applicant?”

“Head over heels in love with your company. Like you said, he’s naïve.”

“And performance-wise?”

“I’ll invite him to trial for two weeks. He expects to be compensated.”

Blaiddyd narrows his eye. “Compensated accordingly?”

“No. Just payment.” A smirk tugs at Felix’s mouth. “Apparently he’s in debt. Took a student loan from none other than us.”

“Ah.” Blaiddyd grins like the wolf about to gobble down Little Red Riding Hood.

“I suggest letting him experience both the management positions you’d like him to take as well customer counseling, which is what he actually applied for.”

“And let him have his pick?”

“No. You decide.” Felix’s gaze slides towards his laptop carrier. He wants to go _now_. Blaiddyd’s continued presence is raising the hair on his arms, making Felix glad for the first time for his long-sleeved shirt in this hot and stuffy conference room. “Talk to him and find out what he’s interested in and made for most.”

“But you think he should work here?”

“He could be a useful asset, yes.”

Blaiddyd rests his hand on Felix’s shoulder. He has to suppress a shudder at the touch. “Tell me when he’ll start.”

“I will.”

With a sharp nod, Blaiddyd pulls his hand back and turns around. Before he exits through the door he says, “Have a nice weekend,” as if Felix’s work day is over already.

“You, too,” Felix says, lacing his voice with unfelt sugar, middle finger twitching. Felix allows himself a minute of silence and the very same minute for Blaiddyd to get the fuck away from him before he leaves the conference room for his office. In there, he locks the door from the inside, and with his back to it, slides it down as the weight of the world pushes down on his shoulders for one second, for two… three… four seconds. Then Felix pretends he’s good and walks over to his bleak desk.

Ubert’s CV is waiting there for him. Felix locates Ubert’s number in it and grabs his phone. The lock screen displays a preview of the last message he received:

 **Unknown number:** Did u? :(

Felix narrows his eyes. Later. He’ll check the messages later, once he’s home and showered and fed, and Cat is rolled up in his lap, and he washes his workday away with a nice Bordeaux.

Right now, he has one other thing to do and that is call Ubert. Felix punches in the number and waits for the other man to pick up. Meanwhile, his thoughts are running wild. He hates phone calls. Not being able to gauge the other person’s feelings by reading their body language has always been distressing for Felix. At least Ubert is not Blaiddyd. An involuntary shudder goes through him at the thought.

After two rings, someone picks up. “Hello?”

“This is Felix Fraldarius from Blue Lions Financing and Real Estate. Am I speaking with Mr. Ashe Ubert?”

“Oh, yes.” Ubert sounds relieved. “You said you were gonna call.”

“Yes. I talked with my boss. You’re hired for the trial period and will be paid for it.”

“That’s great news!” Ubert sounds too excited for someone who’s going to work at a company that sucks the life out of its workforce.

“When will you be able to start?”

“I can be there on Monday—”

“No. We need time to schedule for you. Since your work output and general competence will be supervised and evaluated along with your team working skills, someone experienced needs to be present at all times.”

“Oh, all right.”

“We should be able to arrange for your trial period in a week, meaning you’ll be able to start in ten days.”

“Sounds good to me. Thank you for the call.” Ubert sounds sheepish.

“I’ll call again to inform you about details.”

“Then I’m looking forward to hearing from you again.”

“Right. Have a nice day, Mr. Ubert.”

“I will! And you, too, Mr. Fraldarius.”

As soon as his name’s left Ubert’s mouth, Felix hangs up. He takes in his office in one sweeping glance, grabs his stuff, and leaves for the parking lot. There’s nothing more to do here, and maybe he’ll have most of the weekend to himself if he manages an exit worthy of a ninja and doesn’t run into Blaiddyd.

Only once Felix has locked himself in his car does he allow himself a grin for having outfoxed Blaiddyd on his route out this week.

* * *

On his way home, Felix caves. Drive-thrus are a quick and dirty way to get your hands on calories, and Felix buys himself a whole family menu (kiddie toys excluded—that plastic shit is just trash Cat would try to eat). Cat’s trays are empty, and Felix refills them before pouring his own food on a plate. While at first the cheap coke tastes like heaven, the greasy fries and burgers take him on a trip through the nine circles of hell. When he’s done, Felix feels considerably worse for having wolfed down the food now sitting in his stomach like stones at the bottom of a pond of coke. The thought makes him shiver with disgust.

To wash away this feeling among others, Felix first takes a much-needed and thorough shower before grabbing the Bordeaux he promised himself earlier. Cat follows him into the living room, jumping up onto his lap and making a nest there for herself when Felix sits down on his sofa. She purrs as Felix absent-mindedly burrows his left hand in her soft fur. With his right one he turns on the TV to provide background noise in the form of archaeologists explaining Roman coliseums. Once rid of the remote, Felix pours himself a glass of wine, then digs out his phone from his pants’ front pocket. Cat’s tail twitches in protest even though Felix keeps displaying his affection for her by completing all these tasks with only one hand.

The latest text is still displayed on the lock screen. Despite his earlier misgivings Felix opens the message thread, groaning when he sees the minuscule indicator on the side standing almost at the top. Someone sure was desperately busy on their phone while Felix had to actually work. As he’s reading through the amassed texts, Felix empties his glass and refills it again.

 **Unknown number:** Ok i get that this is becoming increasingly awkward

 **Unknown number:** So i propose starting anew

 **Unknown number:** Fresh

 **Unknown number:** Blank-slated

 **Unknown number:** And since u dont seem to be the kind of person to willingly share information abt themselves ill do u the honor and go first

 **Unknown number:** My names sylvain

 **Unknown number:** Im a 31yo producer

 **Unknown number:** As in music

 **Unknown number:** I have a studio and sign bands and have them record sweet tunes

 **Unknown number:** Whats more i have a cute dog!

 **Unknown number:** Everyone likes dogs amirite

 **Unknown number:** U like dogs do u?

 **Unknown number:** Even if u dont ull love alexander the great

 **Unknown number:** (Dont ask. I had a phase)

 **Unknown number:** Wait a sec ill send u a pic

 **Unknown number:** (Im not included i understand that would probably be too forward for you)

 **Unknown number:** Here u go!

 **Unknown number:** <sent picture>

 **Unknown number:** Look! A good boy!!!!!

 **Unknown number:** Do u have a pet as well?

 **Unknown number:** Please share i love love love them all! Even spiders

 **Unknown number:** I hope i didnt turn u off with my incessant texting

 **Unknown number:** I guess ill just wait for the read marks

 **Unknown number:** Still waiting…

 **Unknown number:** My messages dont seem to be coming thru

 **Unknown number:** Or uve started ignoring me

 **Unknown number:** U didnt block me

 **Unknown number:** Did u? :(

The dog is admittedly something that warrants the ‘dog’ label and not ‘feral cur’. Felix isn’t good with dog breeds but it appears to be a silver husky or something, looking at the lens with warmer eyes than Felix would’ve thought possible in such an otherwise wild-looking dog. Apart from this, this Sylvain person seems to be high maintenance if he can’t go without a message from a fucking stranger he knows nothing about for a few hours.

If he wants this to change, Felix can always disclose a little something. It would make for a nice break from his draining work day, and so far, Blaiddyd’s not come up with any new work schemes to burden Felix with.

 **Felix:** I have a cat

He doesn’t have to wait for more than a minute for a reply to flash across his screen. Sylvain apparently hasn’t got anything better to do on a Friday night than text strangers.

 **Unknown number:** !!! A reply

 **Unknown number:** Also. Do share. I want pics. Now

Felix looks down at Cat, still rolled up in his lap. Handling the phone one-handed, the other still stroking Cat’s fur, Felix snaps a picture that’s surprisingly sharp, and hits send.

 **Unknown number:** What a beauty!

 **Unknown number:** Also is this ur hand?

 **Felix:** Yes

 **Unknown number:** Ur typing one-handed?

 **Felix:** I am

 **Unknown number:** :o

 **Unknown number:** Whats ur cats name?

 **Felix:** Cat

 **Unknown number:** What

 **Unknown number:** U named ur cat. Cat?

 **Felix:** I’m a pragmatist

 **Unknown number:** Which is also why ur typing with one hand

 **Unknown number:** It all makes sense

 **Unknown number:** Anyway. Would you be willing to answer other questions?

 **Felix:** Depends on the question

 **Unknown number:** This ones really important to me

Felix takes another sip from his wine while Sylvain keeps texting.

 **Unknown number:** Ok i assume ur either a school kid which would be a shame. I dont feel comfortable talking to children like this

 **Unknown number:** Or ur old enough to afford a cat on ur own so u have a job

 **Unknown number:** Which one is it?

 **Unknown number:** Also please dont lie

 **Unknown number:** Dont do this to me

 **Felix:** I work in management

 **Unknown number:** What! R u like 50?

 **Unknown number:** (Which wouldnt be a bad thing)

 **Felix:** I’m 28

 **Unknown number:** :o

 **Felix:** Now we’re even

 **Unknown number:** No were not

 **Unknown number:** I still have u listed as unknown number

 **Felix:** So do I

 **Unknown number:** What

 **Unknown number:** U know my name! Its sylvain!

 **Unknown number:** Why didnt u save it :(

 **Felix:** It’s too much work. Also I don’t really know you

 **Unknown number:** But u admit u like talking to me enough to keep doing it

Felix has the ‘No’ already typed out when he changes his mind and deletes it. He sets his phone aside and takes another sip of his wine to think this through.

It’s true that talking to, or rather texting with, this Sylvain person is fun somehow. Humoring him seems easy enough. And, Felix admits to himself rather grudgingly, he’s socially starved. Blaiddyd demanded more and more of his time, and Felix let all his contacts suffer for it. He doesn’t text much less talk to most of the people saved in his phone. He’s even deleted some he hasn’t heard from during the last two years.

This is an opportunity, and another one even close to it might not present itself to him ever again. He should take it. It’s not like he can’t just block Sylvain’s number when, not if, he inevitably becomes too much of a nuisance. But there might be a way to exert control over the situation apart from shutting off the phone (which would only tick off Blaiddyd in the long run).

Exchanging the wine glass for his phone again, Felix sees that of course Sylvain couldn’t keep quiet.

 **Unknown number:** This is the chance to get to know each other!

 **Unknown number:** U have a pet so u cant be all bad

 **Unknown number:** And u seem civil enough if a little... on the quiet side

 **Unknown number:** But i get it! Ur a pragmatist

 **Felix:** I’m a busy person. I have a job

 **Unknown number:** Management must be trying...

Sylvain doesn’t know how right he is.

 **Felix:** Let’s make a deal

 **Unknown number:** :o

 **Felix:** You get to ask one question a day and I’ll answer honestly

 **Unknown number:** Only 1? :(

 **Felix:** Then let’s make it one question a week

 **Unknown number:** No!

 **Unknown number:** No no no no no im happy with 1 a day

 **Felix:** Good

 **Unknown number:** Do i get

 **Unknown number:** Whoops almost wasted my question

 **Unknown number:** But im sure since ur feeling especially generous today that im still allowed to ask u 1 thing even tho it wouldnt be the first question of the day

 **Felix:** Ok

 **Unknown number:** Thank u!

 **Unknown number:** Whats ur name?

 **Felix:** Felix

 **Unknown number:** What

 **Unknown number:** What the fuck

 **Unknown number:** Ur a man

 **Felix:** Last time I checked

 **Unknown number:** Please dont get this the wrong way

 **Unknown number:** I convinced myself i was talking to a woman this whole time

 **Felix:** And now you’re disappointed?

 **Unknown number:** No im not like

 **Unknown number:** Reverse sexist

 **Felix:** Men can be victims of sexism too

 **Unknown number:** My point is u arent at the moment

 **Unknown number:** I like men

 **Unknown number:** Most of my friends are men

An incoming call blocks out the chat. Fucking Blaiddyd. Who else?

“Yes?” Felix asks when he picks up, catching the phone between cheek and shoulder to grab the wine bottle by the neck.

“Felix! Dedue and I talked about a wonderful assignment for you over dinner. Are you free at the moment?”

Felix takes a gulp. “I won’t be able come back to work today.”

“Why not?”

“I’m drinking.”

“That’s a shame.” Blaiddyd’s voice is so light. He doesn’t seem capable of realizing the collateral damage his obsession with work causes. The Bordeaux doesn’t taste so good anymore now that the bottle is almost empty. “Can you make it tomorrow?”

Felix’s stomach cramps. And still he says, “Yes,” like the cog in the machine that he is.

“Great! I’ll see you at ten.”

He laps at the last drops the bottle has to offer, already tasting bile at the back of his mouth. When Blaiddyd hangs up, Felix throws the phone down on the sofa and gets up, much to Cat’s protesting mewls. The TV is out in a flash before Felix strides down to his bedroom. He can’t take any more of this.

Yanking off his clothes, hearing a seam tear, Felix crashes into bed. He’s lying on his stomach and can’t help the tears spilling onto his pillow. Cat eventually gets comfortable on his exposed upper back, purring as if she fails to read the mood. Or maybe this is her way of providing comfort. Either way, it’s extremely uncomfortable. Which doesn’t mean Felix won’t fall asleep this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support so far!


	3. Day 3

_Fuck._

Felix’s brain isn’t able to form more complex thoughts as he wakes up, pillow now wet with saliva instead of tears. Cat has since retreated to his legs, doing her best to cut off the flow of blood with her negligible weight. Felix rolls over onto his back, causing Cat to jump up and make a beeline for the door. He massages his calves, trying to get feeling back into his legs. He’s not even 30 yet, so why does he feel at least three times as old?

Once he deems his legs ready to support his weight, Felix tumbles out of bed. The sour taste in his mouth steers him into the bathroom where he rinses his teeth and washes his face. Cat keeps dancing around his legs as if she wants him to kiss the floor, then jogs off to produce a pile of poop for him. Which reminds him that he really should clean her litter box. Afterwards he checks for clumps of vomited-up hair and instead finds his phone.

The message light is flashing. _Double fuck._ He’s supposed to be at work.

Speeding through his condo in an effort to get ready and presentable on time—even though he doesn’t know what time it even is—Felix yanks on fresh clothes and rakes his comb through his hair before tying it up. He’s already out the door when he remembers he hasn’t checked Cat’s bowls, so Felix turns around and refills both of them. The next time the door closes behind him reminds him he doesn’t have his phone on him much less checked the messages, so he returns _again_ to fetch the stupid thing. It slips from his hand when he tries to stuff it in his pants’ front pocket.

This day is fucked.

* * *

He’ll get a speeding ticket. Felix knows. The bright flash came out of nowhere, causing Felix to slam the brakes in the hope of not colliding with anything thanks to his sudden, temporary blindness. Whoever invented speed cameras should be hanged. These things are fucking safety hazards.

There’s another reason he’s pissed. It’s only when Felix arrives in the Blue Lions Financing and Real Estate underground parking lot that he remembers he left his laptop at home. He slams the door of his car shut and locks the vehicle up before hiking up the staircase leading to the foyer. It’s eerily empty in the building proper, Felix’s footsteps echoing off the floor the only sound, afterimages of the regular employees ghosting across his vision.

Instead of making a beeline for the conference room or, alternately, Blaiddyd’s office, Felix opts to visit the cafeteria first and make himself a much-needed coffee. The second reminder of his advanced age this day hits him in the form of his heart giving out at the sight of Molinaro behind the bar, hacking onions with a knife long enough to look like it’s made to skewer people. He looks up at Felix stopping dead in his tracks. “Good, you’re here. Hello, Felix.”

Felix clears his throat so his voice won’t crack from disuse. “Good morning.”

“Dimitri requested soup.” So Molinaro’s skills are exploited as well. It doesn’t come as a surprise, which is more shocking than the circumstance itself. “He’s waiting for you in his office.”

“Thanks. I’m only getting myself a coffee first.”

“Do that.” Molinaro goes back to chopping onions. Only when Felix has to step up to him to use the coffee maker, setting under it the most hideous cup he’s ever seen thanks to the Blue Lions logo drawing attention like a bumper sticker, does he notice Molinaro’s eyes. The lack of tears at his task is inhuman, and perfectly fitting with the sense of haunting the whole building emanates.

Once the coffee’s ready, Felix takes a careful sip so as not to spill anything on his way to Blaiddyd’s office. The blend the cafeteria offers is too weak and therefore inferior to anything Felix’s machine at home is allowed to grind. Trying to delay the inevitable confrontation by taking the stairs instead of slouching in the elevator, Felix ascends to the top floor of the building at a snail’s pace. It drops further the closer he gets to Blaiddyd’s office. Felix partially blames it on the climb exhausting him more than he cares to admit.

In front of the door to Blaiddyd’s office, Felix has to catch his breath before knocking. “Come in,” Blaiddyd bellows.

Felix steps inside. Blaiddyd sits in his throne opposite the door, his desk dividing his domain from the proletariat. Behind him a grotesque stone idol looking like Blaiddyd sculpted it himself wearing an additional eyepatch perches on the windowsill overlooking downtown. In previous visits to his office Felix has seen him talk at it and react to it as if the idol spoke to him in the voices of the dead. So Blaiddyd himself completes the freak show of today’s merry-go-round at Blue Lions.

“Take a seat.” Blaiddyd waves a hand at the pair of chairs at the other side of his desk.

Felix takes the one farther from Blaiddyd, draping his jacket over it. Sitting back, he finishes his coffee and places the empty cup on the desk. “You sounded excited over the phone yesterday.”

“Yes! Dedue and I came up with such a grand idea.”

“Do share.”

Blaiddyd slides a tablet over his desk. “We were cooling down from an exhausting day at work when we stumbled over this.” Tapping away on the screen, Blaiddyd opens a video. He keeps sliding the tablet closer to Felix so he takes the hint and the tablet with it.

The video shows a ginger-haired woman their age, perhaps even younger, singing in her car. Much to Felix’s dismay, it sounds impressive. There’s a whole series of her singing on her way to work judging by the recommendations listed on the right-hand side of the video. Felix waits for her to conclude her song before looking back up at Blaiddyd’s child-like grin. “It’s good.”

“I’m glad you think so, too.” Blaiddyd laces his fingers, leaning forward to rest his chin on them and causing Felix to fight the urge to shuffle away from him. “According to her channel her name is Annette Dominic. We want to hire her to star in a video ad.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Felix looks at the video again—doesn’t play it, but scrolls through the channel. “Look at the titles of her videos. She does pop songs. Ballads. Nothing that resonates with Blue Lions’s character.”

“Which would be?”

Felix presses his lips together. He takes his time fixing his hair so he can answer with words that will satisfy Blaiddyd as quickly and easily as possible to evade a discussion turning into a meeting and yet another presentation just so Blaiddyd will shut the fuck up about it. “Think about it. The lion is part of the program. It stands for pride. For power. Perseverance.”

“Are you saying we should take a more… metal approach?”

Blaiddyd looks so open-minded and honest and just plain naïve that it’s hard for Felix to keep from grimacing. “We’re walking a fine line here.” Putting his palms against each other, Felix sets his hands on the desk, pinkies flat against the surface. “On this side is the lion.” He wriggles first his left hand, then the other. “And on this side are the potential customers. We should try to be mainstream enough to leave a positive impression on most people. You don’t want this ad to end up hurting our revenue.”

“Hm.” Blaiddyd withdraws his hands to lean back in his throne and regard the ceiling. “I’ll have to think about this. Thank you for your honest opinion.”

“Always. Is there anything else you wanted?”

“No, not at the moment.”

Internally, Felix sighs with relief. “Then I’ll be going home.”

Blaiddyd’s gaze travels back to Felix. “Wait, I just remembered. Have you informed the applicant we’d like him to trial?”

Taking a deep breath, Felix relaxes back into his seat. “Yes. He’ll be starting in nine days.”

“Ah, good. I was thinking of having Molinaro observe him. What do you think?”

There it is, the ouward sigh of relief. “I think it’s a good choice.” Because this means Felix won’t have to babysit Ubert here while he has more important projects tied to his back by Blaiddyd. Not because Molinaro will likely scare the living shit out of Ubert. Well, it’s not going to be Felix’s problem—he won’t be the one to break the poor kid.

“Again, thank you.” Blaiddyd smiles—an expression that really doesn’t suit him—and gestures for the door. Felix takes the cue and gets up. “I’ll be in touch.”

* * *

On his way home, Felix caves. He’s told himself countless times he won’t start again, but the first draught of the cigarette outside the supermarket is persuading—filling his lungs with smoke and clearing his head of all his troubles for blissful five minutes. _Now_ is the time to finally reply to Sylvain’s texts.

Pulling out his phone, Felix checks his messages and reads through them while sucking on his cancer pacifier.

 **Unknown number:** Oh man

 **Unknown number:** I feel like i fucked up

 **Unknown number:** If u think im gay

 **Unknown number:** Im not

 **Unknown number:** Also thats no reason to stop talking to someone

There’s a break of a few hours. The next text arrived in the middle of the night.

 **Unknown number:** Im lonely…

Another break, after which Sylvain sent one final message in the morning.

 **Unknown number:** I sincerely dont want u to think im coming on to u

 **Felix:** Don’t worry. I’m not interested

For once in his life, Sylvain doesn’t appear to be on the phone. Felix shoves his own one down his pants’ pocket, crushes the remains of his cigarette against the asphalt, and drives home. His phone buzzes against his leg on the way. Buzzes again. And again. There’s a rhythm to it. Fuck.

Felix pulls over. It’s Blaiddyd calling. “Yes?” Felix says, trying to let his exasperation show only in his expression.

“Felix, hello. Dedue and I talked our idea over again. You’re right—we should have given this more thought.”

“I’m glad we’ve come to the same conclusion.”

“There’s a little assignment we have for you.”

Felix watches the traffic zip past, counting until ten cars have passed him. The casing of his phone bites into his clenched palm. “Yes?”

“Since we still think Annette Dominic is the right, hm, let’s call it _voice_ for us, we want you to contact her. See if she’s interested in working together with us for an ad that will guarantee both our sides publicity.”

“Send me the link to her channel and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Can you have her response ready by Monday?”

Felix narrows his eyes. “That depends on her schedule as well.” _Some people like to take their weekends off_ , he’s inclined to add but bites his tongue in time. “Like I said, I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you. You’ll let me know about any future developments?”

“As soon as they happen.”

“Perfect. I know I can always count on you, Felix.”

“Mhm.” Felix is back to vehicle-watching. A grandfather on a Vespa passes him with a lack a speed that is painful to observe.

“See you on Monday.”

“Yes. Have a nice weekend.”

Blaiddyd hangs up. Felix slides his phone slowly down his front pocket. The pack of cigarettes rests in the other. Stepping out of the car, he allows himself a second smoke. He has to get rid of the remaining 19 suckers anyway, or he won’t get his money’s worth out of his purchase. As if he doesn’t have the money to literally burn with them.

Felix is convinced he can actually taste the tar he inhales, feel it settle in his lungs. The thought makes him cough, or maybe it’s too much smoke for him in too little time. It doesn’t matter—the cigarette tastes almost as terrible as he feels, and he puts it out of his misery on the pavement.

His phone buzzes several times on the final stretch home but thankfully not in the rhythm indicating a call. At home he unloads his purchases into the fridge and makes himself scrambled eggs as a sort of breakfast and lunch combo. Saves him one meal. Before he seasons his food, Felix divides a small portion off and drops it in Cat’s already emptied food bowl.

It’s sort of sad how good normal, self-made food can taste, even though it’s so simple. Only when Felix has wolfed it all down and chased it with a can of beer does he check his phone. Blaiddyd sent him Dominic’s video channel which Felix forwards to himself to check on his laptop. And Sylvain’s phone withdrawal has come to an end.

 **Unknown number:** Harsh

 **Unknown number:** Anyhow wheeew im so glad ur still replying

 **Unknown number:** I mean its mostly me talking but i dont know man

 **Unknown number:** It feels just so good getting to know someone new

 **Unknown number:** Without bias

 **Unknown number:** I know i kinda fucked up the whole first impression thing tho

 **Unknown number:** But hey at least u arent talking to me only for my dashing good looks ;)

 **Felix:** I thought you weren’t coming on to me

Felix leaves his phone on the desk he carries his laptop to. Sitting down and drawing one knee up to his face with his foot resting on the upholstery of his office chair, Felix starts the laptop up. As it’s loading, he looks at his phone again.

 **Unknown number:** Sorry it was just a joke

 **Unknown number:** Well kinda

 **Unknown number:** Some people r sooo shallow

 **Felix:** If you ask me, you make that impression yourself

 **Unknown number:** :(

 **Unknown number:** R u done bullyi

 **Unknown number:** Shit shit shit i will not waste my question on this

 **Felix:** Waste it on something else then

 **Unknown number:** U sound like u woke up on the wrong side of bed

 **Felix:** My boss called yesterday

 **Unknown number:** Sounds like theres no love lost between the 2 of u

 **Felix:** He called me into work today and now I’ll have to work on my weekend too

 **Unknown number:** *Retches*

 **Unknown number:** I hope ull at least get paid

 **Felix:** For this? I doubt it

Turning the buzz off, Felix sets his phone face-down on the desk and opens his forwarded message on his laptop. Getting Dominic’s business email from her video channel is easy enough, but to compose an adequate message Felix should familiarize himself with her exact style of singing first. And that will take hours of sifting through the material she uploaded. If only her music resonated with Felix… alas, cutesy pop ballads aren’t his thing at all.

Cat jumps up onto Felix’s lap, raking her claws on his legs and through his pants’ material before stepping onto the desk and starting to clean herself. He knows it’s only a matter of time before she will throw down his phone and fuck off to wreak havoc elsewhere.

Felix pauses the video when his phone hits the floor. Cat vanishes in the blink of an eye. To pick up his phone Felix has to get up, and he uses the chance to work out the kinks amassed in his mortal frame. He stays with his back arched, hands raised and standing on tip-toe for three slow breaths. Needing a chance of scenery, Felix pours himself a glass of water and sits down at the kitchen table as he checks his phone.

 **Unknown number:** Lemme take ur mind off of it then! I have the perfect question

 **Unknown number:** What r ur hobbies?

 **Felix:** Sometimes I watch documentaries on TV

 **Unknown number:** Didnt u say ur 28? Or did u mix up the numbers?

 **Felix:** Documentaries are great. You can learn a lot

 **Unknown number:** But dont u like going out?

 **Felix:** No

 **Unknown number:** Not at all? Not even with friends?

 **Felix:** No

 **Unknown number:** So u spend all your time either with your boss or with your cat?

 **Felix:** Exactly

 **Unknown number:** Thats sad man

 **Felix:** Thanks

 **Unknown number:** Dont be pissed please :(

 **Unknown number:** I just mean… this cant be the way ur lifes been all this time

 **Unknown number:** U mustve gone out at some point

 **Felix:** Nothing good ever came of it

 **Unknown number:** Ok lets try this from another angle

 **Unknown number:** Dont u feel like somethings missing from ur life?

 **Felix:** No

Felix leaves his phone in the kitchen after the exchange. He doesn’t like they way Sylvain asks questions, weaving reproach and accusation into them. How is the way Felix lives his life his problem? Worst of all, it gets Felix thinking. Thinking about the last time he went to the gym. Thinking about late nights out when he was in college, actually having fun with the likes of Blaiddyd. Thinking about the family he lost. Thinking about the time when life was good and worries were a thing for people he didn’t even know.

Felix shakes his head to clear it and be assaulted by a headache instead. There’s still the second half of Dominic’s videos to watch. Back on his office chair, Felix takes a notebook and pencil out of his desk’s top drawer, fingers brushing against the embossed leather cover stowed under it, to organize his thoughts and jot down the first ideas. It’s tedious work, not helped by the facts that Felix’s thoughts are scattered and he has to pause the videos to concentrate on writing. Skimming looks like an attractive option, but Blaiddyd would flay and skin Felix alive if he missed a detail in future discussion Blaiddyd deems to be of utmost importance. In his mind’s eye Felix can picture Blaiddyd obsessively working his way through every video offered with no regard to human bodily needs, and Felix hopes he’s no telepathic.

The sunlight streaming inside through the windows fails, being replaced by the dead and cold streetlights. LEDs look like shit compared to good old lightbulbs. Whoever responsible should’ve hired someone to stain the glass the tiniest bit yellow to paint the light with some resemblance of life and warmth. Only when Felix’s eyes start to hurt from the glare of the screen does he call a break. His mouth is dry and his bladder full, his joints stiff as he gets up to heed his body’s needs.

Allowing himself the time to cook an actual dinner for once, Felix fixes himself a curry that ends up a little too spicy. His phone is still lying on the kitchen table, an inviting white point lighting up.

 **Unknown number:** Cmon i cant believe u never did anything worthwhile in ur life

 **Unknown number:** I dont want to impose my opinion or anything

 **Unknown number:** Just chatting

 **Unknown number:** Just voicing my thoughts

 **Unknown number:** But from what uve told me ur life doesnt sound all that… exciting

 **Unknown number:** And thats sad

 **Unknown number:** I dont want u to get depressed or anything

 **Unknown number:** I want u to be happy

 **Felix:** You don’t even know me

 **Unknown number:** Im working on it!

 **Unknown number:** Also im a firm believer that there need be no sadness or grief or negativity in life

 **Felix:** Are you kidding?

 **Felix:** Get real

 **Unknown number:** Y so edgy? :(

 **Felix:** Because life doesn’t care if you’re kind. There’s no such thing as karma

 **Felix:** Life will suck even if you’re nice

 **Unknown number:** But it wont suck quite as much

 **Unknown number:** Look dude

 **Unknown number:** I had shit happen to me too

 **Unknown number:** I was robbed of people i loved. Theyre dead

 **Unknown number:** But that doesnt mean im not allowed to live my own life to its fullest

 **Unknown number:** And it doesnt mean i cant spread love and happiness

 **Felix:** Hippie

Turning his phone over to have it lie face-down on the table, Felix directs his full attention to his curry. At any rate he’d like to. But he can’t keep his thoughts from wandering, wondering if Sylvain just talked about a distant senile grandfather or a hamster he had as a kid, or if he actually lost a close friend. Wondering how he can deal with something like this without pitying himself and then hating himself for his weakness. Wondering how he managed his life from falling to pieces.

Then again, who knows? Maybe he _is_ talking about a dead goldfish after all.

After finishing his dinner, Felix cleans up in the kitchen and, coffee in hand, gets back to the last stretch of work he has to complete to prepare the job offer. But that’s work for another day.

* * *

Settled in his cushions, Cat occupying the ever-unused pillow next to him, Felix deems his work sorted enough for a break and his head clear enough for finally replying.

 **Unknown number:** Well excuse me for trying to be positive

 **Unknown number:** Go work on ur project if it sparks joy

Nothing more. Felix narrows his eyes, and not just because the screen’s illumination hurts.

 **Felix:** Sylvain. I’m sorry for being a grumpy nuisance

Felix keeps staring at his phone, willing Sylvain to read his message and reply. It takes a few moments that feel like a few eternities instead in the quiet dark for the ticks next to Felix’s message to turn blue, but once they do, Sylvain stays.

 **Unknown number:** ?

 **Felix:** You know what I’m talking about

 **Unknown number:** Ever the pragmatist

 **Felix:** Yes

 **Unknown number:** Well ur forgiven

 **Felix:** That was easy

 **Unknown number:** Honestly? I check my phone regularly to see if u replied

 **Unknown number:** Cant help it

 **Felix:** I realize I shouldn’t assume so much about a virtual stranger. It’s a bad habit

 **Unknown number:** What do u mean?

 **Felix:** First impressions stick with me. I don’t think I mean to dislike everyone around me but I just do

 **Unknown number:** If u dont think u do then maybe theres something to it

 **Unknown number:** I mean hey ur still putting up with me

 **Felix:** I am

 **Felix:** It actually feels good to talk to someone

 **Unknown number:** U should really go out more

 **Felix:** I can’t. I don’t have the time

 **Unknown number:** Bc of ur job?

 **Felix:** Yes. Either I’m at work or I’m too tired

 **Unknown number:** Ok look

 **Unknown number:** This comes from someone who really loves his job

 **Unknown number:** U dont live to work

 **Unknown number:** U work to (get money to) live

 **Felix:** My boss has other ideas

 **Unknown number:** Didnt u say ur in management? He cant just replace u can he?

 **Unknown number:** U should have the leverage to talk to him abt it

 **Felix:** I don’t think he’d appreciate it

 **Unknown number:** Risk vs reward?

 **Felix:** Not worth it

 **Unknown number:** U make it sound as if he has control over every aspect of ur life

 **Felix:** He hasn’t

 **Unknown number:** Then whats the worst that could happen?

 **Felix:** I don’t know

 **Felix:** And I don’t like not knowing how a situation will play out

His eyes water. Felix groans. He’s already dimmed the backlight of his phone as much as it allows him to. Five, or better, ten years ago, this wouldn’t have been a problem. But now? His eyes are unionizing against him. Double-checking the buzz is turned off, Felix sets his phone face-down on the small nightstand next to him, then turns around to nestle his hand in Cat’s fur.


	4. Day 4

The worst thing that can happen to a person whose nightly activities hardly qualify as ‘sleeping’ is being woken up. Cat’s insistent in her licking off Felix’s face as if she had a revelation she’s a dog. Doesn’t even know her stupid fucking name.

Felix turns his face away—he so does not need cat tongue anywhere near his mouth—and pushes at Cat until she gets the hint and hops off the bed with a mewl, tail held high with pride. Cheeky bastard. Nonetheless, light is streaming in through the shades, so Felix accepts his fate and slouches to the bathroom. He hums a fucking ABBA song as interpreted by Annette Dominic under his breath, and he hopes it sounds as horrifying as he feels about having this disgrace stuck in his head.

The day continues as splendidly as it’s begun when he nicks his chin with the razor. For some reason the shallow wound bleeds like hell. But Felix pays the toll happily if it means he won’t end up looking like his father, with his hair loose and his stubble sprouting like weeds. Seeing himself like this always hurts. Glenn was lucky to take after their mother instead.

Felix sticks a band-aid on his chin, found after much rummaging buried underneath a dusty tube of toothpaste that isn’t even his brand and he sure as fuck doesn’t remember buying. There’s a best-before date on the band-aid, and according to it, Felix should have cut himself three years earlier. It probably won’t matter anyway, seeing as the wound doesn’t look like it will scar like the ugly lines on his arms.

The next proof of some higher entity being out there to get at Felix presents itself in the form of one still wet clump of hair Cat vomited up, placed on Felix’s favorite place on the kitchen table. Cat sits next to it licking her arms nonchalantly. Or even proudly. Narrowing his eyes, Felix cleans the mess up. He’s so glad he always washes his face first thing in the morning because this is beyond disgusting. He doesn’t want his hands anywhere near his face until they’re rinsed to an unhealthy redness after taking care of _this_. “You do this one more time to me,” he says, waiting for Cat’s smug gaze lazily settling on him, “I’ll feed you to my boss.”

The threat impresses Cat enough for her to leave him alone. Felix goes for a cereal with the prospect of Cat dunking her paw in his bowl eliminated. After chugging back three cups of coffee alongside the milk with a few lost cereal pieces swimming inside it he slouches back to his bedroom to retrieve the phone Cat has once again united with the floor in the meantime. Several texts wait for him.

**Unknown number:** U wont know until uve tried

**Unknown number:** Ok so ur not replying anymore and i hope uve just gone to bed

**Unknown number:** Sleep well

**Unknown number:** Ill try not to feel too lonely

Felix carries his phone over to his desk. He replies as he waits for his laptop to load.

**Felix:** Are you trying to give me a bad conscience?

**Unknown number:** Oh ur back!

**Unknown number:** Good morning

**Unknown number:** And no im not! Im just touch starved

**Unknown number:** I wanna cuddle someone at night

**Felix:** Cuddle your dog

The laptop’s started, and with it Felix’s actual assignment: Hire Annette Dominic.

* * *

Felix is so fixated in composing the email to Dominic perfectly—neither too informal nor sounding as if he suffers from stick-up-ass syndrome—that he only notices Cat when she uses his leg like a scratching post. She looks up to him with pitiful eyes she must have learned and copied from that stupid Shrek cat so Felix does her the favor and follows her into the kitchen. Oh. Oh fuck. He forgot to feed her.

Remedying his mistake, he makes himself another coffee to compensate for the lack of caffeine he suffered from the day before. He treks back to his desk and stares at the laptop screen long enough for colorful spots to dance in front of his eyes. His concentration has gone to hell anyway so he might as well check his phone and postpone work for another minute. Or ten. Or sixty. Who cares?

**Unknown number:** Lex is too hairy for my liking

**Unknown number:** And then he proceeds to shed in my bed

**Unknown number:** Big turn-off for anyone i try to invite over. Thats always the point when they bolt

**Unknown number:** Oh and lex keeps licking me everywhere when i dont tell him to stop

**Unknown number:** Waking up covered in dog slobber is sooo unromantic

**Felix:** Cat licked my face this morning

**Unknown number:** Now thats cute

**Unknown number:** Its different when a cat does it. They have these rough tongues

**Felix:** I hated every nanosecond of it

**Unknown number:** But thats just her way of expressing her love!

**Felix:** I prefer to call it Stockholm syndrome

**Unknown number:** :(

**Unknown number:** Adopting a pet is a conscious decision

**Unknown number:** U want someone to be around too

**Unknown number:** Also its waaay better than her bringing dead mice to ur doorstep

**Felix:** She never brushes her teeth. Oh, and she vomits out hair

**Felix:** She just did this morning before waking me up by licking my fucking face

**Felix:** If you ask me, her behavior is disgusting

Sylvain takes so much time to reply that Felix manages to get another sentence down in his email, typing with only one hand as he sips from his coffee. The phone buzzes midway through another one. Oh well. It’s not like Felix was able to focus to start with.

**Unknown number:** Sorry dude i swear i tried not to but i couldnt stop the movie in my head once it started

**Unknown number:** And i admit i laughed

**Felix:** Fuck you

**Unknown number:** R u angry at me?

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** But don’t make fun of me

**Unknown number:** Im not! I only had a laugh i swear

**Felix:** Ok

**Unknown number:** I hope ur ready for ur daily question ;)

**Felix:** Not really

**Unknown number:** Im gonna ask anyway

**Unknown number:** What music do u listen to?

Felix almost spews his coffee at his laptop screen. Dominic’s songs have been constant white noise fluttering around his skull for the last day. Having listened to every single one of her damn covers was a big mistake. It takes him a moment to remember that Sylvain works in the music industry. Of course he’d be interested in something like this.

**Felix:** When I was a kid all I was allowed to listen to was 70s and 80s hard rock and metal

**Unknown number:** Ur parents favorite music?

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** My old man probably headbanged his brain loose

**Unknown number:** STOP BEING SO FUNNY

**Unknown number:** Im trying not to laugh again

**Felix:** I mean it

**Felix:** He was a stupid fucker

**Unknown number:** Wait

**Unknown number:** Was?

**Unknown number:** Is he dead?

**Felix:** Fortunately

**Unknown number:** Oh

**Unknown number:** Ooooooh

**Unknown number:** Im sorry man

**Felix:** Shut up

**Felix:** I dont want to talk about it

**Unknown number:** Right

**Unknown number:** So do u still listen to that stuff?

**Felix:** Sometimes

**Felix:** It’s the closest thing I have to a taste in music

**Felix:** If it’s not too electronic or sleep-inducing I guess I’ll listen to everything though

Like Dominic’s music that’s crawled into his ear like a worm and now it won’t leave him alone. Felix’s eyes dart to his laptop screen again. He should finish composing the mail already—he’s taking ages. Ignoring his buzzing phone he rereads everything he’s written so far and with a sigh deletes the last two sentences that only bear a vague resemblance to the rest to start anew. Sylvain’s distracting for all the wrong reasons.

As if there are right ones. With a scowl Felix admits to himself he’s right, though. He should go out more. Perhaps…

He finishes the mail, checking and triple-checking his notes to make sure he didn’t fuck anything up. It’d reflect badly not only onto himself but Blue Lions in general, and he doesn’t want Blaiddyd to contract his rabies in a fit of rage should he sniff out a teeny-tiny error. Not liking where his train of thoughts is taking him, Felix hits the send button in his mail program and shuts his laptop. It’s already getting dark outside. Early winter sucks.

Crossing his living room to go to his balcony, making sure Cat doesn’t slip out with him, Felix rewards himself with a smoke. He leans over the railing and looks out into a cloudy evening, city lights replacing the twinkling of the stars. When he bought the condo Felix didn’t consider the view: If he squints he can just make out the Blue Lions building close to the horizon. And that warrants tarring his lungs all the more. Maybe he’ll get lucky and another reminder of his advanced age will make his eyesight fail.

The smoked-down cigarette falls like a wind-blown leaf to settle on the asphalt below. A car runs over it. A fitting end.

Felix grabs his phone on his way to the kitchen where he prepares himself a simple poultry stew. It takes an eternity to simmer, and bridging the time by adding pepper and spices isn’t going to cut it if Felix still wants to eat it. The door creaks and Cat enters, meowing when she sees Felix. A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth as he gets down on his knees to pet her. Cat bumps her head against his hand, her purr loud enough to rival a chainsaw. Felix picks her up and, sitting down at the kitchen table, sets her on his lap where she promptly curls up and lets herself feel like a goddess with Felix’s fingers buried in her fur.

His phone is lying in wait on the table. With his free hand Felix picks it up.

**Unknown number:** I should send u some samples i recorded and mixed

**Unknown number:** Maybe ull like them

There’s a break of almost an hour.

**Unknown number:** Or is that too forward?

**Felix:** Sorry. I was working all day

He can nuzzle Cat for five more minutes before his phone buzzes again.

**Unknown number:** Let me try to make ur day a little better then

**Unknown number:** <sent audio file>

**Unknown number:** Its a little something i made on a slow night

**Unknown number:** I hope ull like it :)

**Unknown number:** But i know u can be brutally honest so feel free to fry me if u think this sucks

**Unknown number:** And ill pretend not to be hurt

Felix opens the audio file. It ends after one minute and four seconds of a distorted guitar playing a slow melody climbing up before crashing down lower than should be possible on the instrument. There’s another guitar on the track, or maybe it’s a harpsichord—Felix can never tell them apart—counterpointing some of the notes in a softer, acoustic way and eventually swallowing them to end the song with four ever higher and quieter sonorous notes. The sample, or demo, sounds melancholic and mournful, squeezing Felix’s heart and making his breath hitch.

**Felix:** You made this yourself?

**Unknown number:** Yea i played all the instruments, recorded it, mixed it

Felix plays the short track again. Even though he knows what to expect, it still makes him feel. Despite the song sounding sorrowful, Felix likes how he feels. These emotions the song transports are neither emanating from him nor directed at him, and for some reason, this is almost as comforting as Cat cuddling with him.

**Unknown number:** I know its nothing special

**Unknown number:** Theres a reason i mix other peoples songs to pay my bills

**Felix:** I like it

**Unknown number:** !!!

**Unknown number:** This makes me happy somehow

**Unknown number:** Thanks for the validation man

**Unknown number:** I mean it

**Unknown number:** Thank you

**Felix:** Did you come up with the melody yourself?

**Unknown number:** Yes i made everything myself

**Unknown number:** Well not the instruments and equipment obviously

**Unknown number:** But everything in the song

**Felix:** That’s amazing

**Unknown number:** Dude no offense

**Unknown number:** But did u get knocked on the head or smth?

**Felix:** What’s wrong now?

**Unknown number:** I just mean ur a very critical person

**Unknown number:** Ur not usually this nice

**Felix:** I had an atrocious weekend and now it’s over

**Felix:** I’ll have a few hours to myself before the shitshow starts all over again tomorrow

**Unknown number:** Then ill enjoy nice felix for as long as i can :)

**Felix:** Don’t push it

**Unknown number:** Duly noted

**Unknown number:** I can send u some more samples if u like

**Felix:** Songs from you?

**Unknown number:** Yours truly, yes

**Felix:** Ok

**Unknown number:** Gimme a sec to find something for u…

Felix uses the time to check on his stew. When he braces his legs to stand up, Cat jumps down from his lap and makes a beeline for the door. The stew looks good but the eternity until it’s done laughs in the face of Felix’s human life span. He sits back down with more force than warranted and his ass hurts. He should’ve bought those hideous floral print chair cushions last time he was looking for ways to spice up his apartment.

**Unknown number:** Here u go!

**Unknown number:** <sent audio file>

**Unknown number:** <sent audio file>

Felix taps on the top file. Compared to the first song, this one’s fast. While the melody consisting of the higher notes serves as an example that Sylvain can do more than sad songs, the bass line is vicious: It creeps up like a snake, dancing along to the melody in the corner of your eye, and before you know it it strikes, fast and furious. The sudden aggression makes Felix’s heart pump and his blood boil. And it feels fucking fantastic.

The bottom file contains a wholly different piece of music. There’s no melody at all and neither a single harmony. Instead it’s a rhythm piece. Felix’s ear fails him again—this could be anything. He’ll just call it percussion and be done with it. The song itself evolves from a simple two-time to something so intricate Felix listens to the song several times to be able to enjoy it in its complexity.

**Unknown number:** What do u think?

**Felix:** Honestly? I’m impressed

**Felix:** You’re versatile

**Unknown number:** Thank u

**Felix:** You’re doing this only for fun?

**Unknown number:** Yes

**Unknown number:** Before u say anything

**Unknown number:** I dont want to milk it

**Unknown number:** Making music soothes me

**Unknown number:** Its my way of calming down after a stressful work day

**Felix:** It certainly sounds like you poured a lot of time into your songs

**Felix:** Are you stressed out a lot?

**Unknown number:** Hmmm making music is also a hobby

**Unknown number:** Wait u said u liked 80s bands

**Unknown number:** U know ronnie dio? He had his own band (named after himself go figure)

**Unknown number:** But he also did vocals for black sabbath for a while

**Unknown number:** They recorded an album

**Unknown number:** And dio broke into the studio at night to remix it

**Felix:** What the fuck

**Unknown number:** And something like this has thankfully never happened to me

**Unknown number:** So i cant complain

**Felix:** I see

Cat enters the kitchen again, sniffing her bowl and turning accusing eyes on Felix. Her mewls are designed to sound as pitiful as possible so Felix, setting his phone aside, feeds her like the good slave he is. His stomach growls as well. Checking his stew, he deems it done. He also notices he didn’t check his recipe and made enough stew for a whole family. Well, no need to pay a visit to burger kings or burger clowns for the next few days.

While the stew won’t win Felix any awards, it’s edible, warm, filling, and reinvigorating. Checking the time on his phone—it’s already close to 9 PM—Felix checks his messages as well.

**Unknown number:** I know this wont help with ur stress

**Unknown number:** But like i said

**Unknown number:** Try and go out more

**Unknown number:** Get ur head free

**Unknown number:** Maybe talk to ur boss? He probably wont kill u

**Felix:** Not outright

But this, on top of the dismal condition of his condo, decides him to give his place a rudimentary sweep. The only thing worse than the thin layer of dust covering even places where the sun don’t shine are the many, many hairs both Cat and him lost every-fucking-where. Judging by their amount, they both should’ve gone bald a long time ago. _No._ Felix combs his fingers through his long hair, thanking the saints he’s allowed to keep one single thing he likes.

Even the little he did has worn him out, Felix muses as he puts the now-clean dishes away. His fitness has really gone down the drain, huh. Probably done a great deal of staring into the deadlights as well.

The worst part about cleaning and getting ready for bed, however, is the very insistent melody stuck in Felix’s head. He’s still humming Sylvain’s tunes as he crawls into bed, Cat following shortly after, and checks his phone one last time for the day.

**Unknown number:** I dont want to risk my head dude

**Unknown number:** But ur not in organized crime r u?

**Felix:** Sometimes it feels like it

**Felix:** I work in real estate

As he sets his alarm, a new notification pops up on the screen. Dominic replied to his email. Fuck this. Fuck him. He’s not going to work in bed again. Turning off the buzz—poor Blaiddyd won’t be able to reach him—Felix places his phone face-down on the nightstand. He turns his back to it, pulls the free pillow out from under Cat’s ass, and clutches it to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut so tightly a tear spills out.

The stupid notification causes Dominic’s songs to haunt him now alongside Sylvain’s. Together with Cat’s soft purring they blur into a drug that makes him fall asleep.


	5. Day 5

Cat makes sure Felix’s Monday can’t start right by waking him up two minutes before his alarm is set to go off, bumping her head against his forehead in her craving for affection. Felix abides by it, fingers buried in her fur to elicit soft purrs. That is, until the alarm startles her into flight and gives Felix a minor heart attack.

He drags himself out of bed and through his morning routine. At the kitchen table, as Felix fools himself into enjoying his first cup of coffee, he checks his mails. Dominic’s reply is still fresh on his mind, a reminder of the notification defogging his brain every time he woke up during the night for a piss and checked the time.

»Dear Mr. Fraldarius,« he reads,

»thank you for your kind offer. To be honest I am overwhelmed by it! I never would have dreamed my hobby, singing, would end up attracting the attention of an acclaimed company like Blue Lions Financing and Real Estate. I’d very much like to help you with your advertisement and I think both your company and my own publicity will benefit from the arrangement.

»I’ll be waiting to hearing back from you again!

»Sincerely

»Annette Dominic«

Blaiddyd will do a jumping jack of joy in the Blue Lions’s foyer when Felix breaks the news to him that he successfully hired an amateur musician for a fucking video ad. His thoughts travel off to a certain other person who lets off steam through their music—not singing, but apparently doing everything else.

A couple messages from Sylvain are waiting for Felix as he consumes his second coffee.

**Unknown number:** So what u mean is

**Unknown number:** This isnt supposed to be my daily question

**Unknown number:** But ill have to admit that i think were kinda past that anyway so

**Unknown number:** Fingers crossed

**Unknown number:** What u mean is u take too much rent?

**Unknown number:** And thats why u feel like a criminal?

**Felix:** You know how it is

**Felix:** My pay has to come from somewhere

**Felix:** Although it’s not that easy in actuality. We have assets

Sylvain still hasn’t replied ten minutes after Felix sent the message. The lucky man probably gets to sleep in every single day. Because who’d like to record their music at fucking seven in the morning? Instead of waiting any longer for a reply that’s not coming any time soon, Felix washes away the last of his tiredness with a third cup of coffee and gets ready for work.

The motor of his car purrs not unlike Felix’s best friend as he sits in his car and has the heater on at full blast. The temperatures dropped by at least 15 degrees during the night, a biting wind howling around outside and sinking its fangs into every single one of the six layers Felix wrapped himself in. Once his fingers start hurting again after being numbed by the cold, he opens up his messages on his phone. Sylvain has since risen, unlike the sun hiding behind grey sheets of cloud.

**Unknown number:** Spare me the talk please

**Unknown number:** As long as i see black numbers im happy

**Unknown number:** And ngl im immensively relieved

**Unknown number:** *immensely

**Unknown number:** So did u get to enjoy the rest of ur sunday? :)

**Felix:** I cleaned

**Unknown number:** Sounds… boring

**Felix:** Sounds necessary

**Felix:** It looked like a dump

**Unknown number:** I cant picture u being a messy person

**Felix:** I don’t have the time to clean

**Unknown number:** But the money for a service

**Felix:** I don’t want this

**Felix:** Someone else walking around my home when I’m not there? Not if I can help it

**Unknown number:** Yeah itd feel weird now that i think abt it

**Unknown number:** And its not like u and cat produce exorbitant amounts of filth and trash

**Felix:** Right

**Unknown number:** Oh so ur single

**Felix:** Is this surprise you’re feigning?

**Unknown number:** Idk man

**Unknown number:** From what uve told me so far i have to admit im not surprised

**Unknown number:** But itd feel weird asking directly

**Felix:** Why are you interested in my love life?

It’s time. Resigning himself with a sigh to the day ahead of him, Felix slides his phone down his pants’ pocket, loosens the hand brake, and leaves the comforting confines of his complex’s garage for the lion’s den.

* * *

Felix must be at the top of his stealth game to have avoided Blaiddyd until 11:14 AM. The clang of his metal boots he insists on wearing make his approach unmistakable, and the strong knock on the door carries his signature. “Come in,” Felix says, lamenting he shouldn’t lock his office from the inside to keep certain visitors out.

The door creaks open and to the great surprise of no one it’s Blaiddyd who steps inside, a steaming mug in hand. Felix sniffs. Tea. “Good morning, Felix.”

“Good morning.” Felix gestures to the free seat across his desk. “Sit down.”

Blaiddyd sets his mug down first. He arranges his hands carefully on Felix’s desk, spreading them, showing off his long fingers. “Do you have any news regarding Annette Dominic?”

“Yes. She replied when I was already in bed yesterday evening, so I figured it could wait until today.” Blaiddyd hums in acknowledgement while Felix opens the email from Dominic on his laptop. He turns the computer around so it faces Blaiddyd. “Here’s what she says.”

Felix watches Blaiddyd’s one eye jump around its socket while he reads. The man breaks out in a grin not befitting his age. “Splendid!” The same holds true for his vocabulary it seems, albeit the other way around. “I knew you were the right person to handle this.”

Turning his laptop back around, Felix rests backwards against his chair. He knows the answer to the question he’ll ask, and his heart starts pounding faster. He hopes his voice won’t betray him. “How do you want to proceed?”

“Hire her please.”

With a nod Felix takes a deep breath. He should protest. He should. It’s not his job to hire people left and right, and it’s stupid and stressful and sapping all his energy to relay information to Blaiddyd he could have obtained more easily himself if he forwent Felix as his middleman. “I will.” Felix makes himself meet Blaiddyd’s gaze. “Can we… talk?”

Blaiddyd’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Felix hopes his eyepatch doesn’t come loose from the movement—knowing what lurks behind it doesn’t help the additional pang of nausea flooding his stomach. “Yes, sure.”

Felix wishes he had something to drink too, something to hide his face behind in case Blaiddyd’s openness turns to hostility. Instead he has to fidget with his hands under the desk. “My weekend wasn’t… so nice.”

“Oh. Did something happen?”

“Yes. Miste—” Fuck. _Fuck._ He’s not supposed to do this, Felix knows, and now his thinking in last names causes him to trip.

“Dimitri,” Blaiddyd corrects him immediately, a frown overtaking his concern. “We’ve known each other for how long? Certainly the better half of our lives. There’s no need for formality.”

“Right. Dimitri.” Felix pulls at one of his fingers. He thinks of his insomnia, his lonely evenings in front of the TV, his empty fridge. He thinks of the cigarettes. Oh, what he’d give for a smoke right now! And this makes him think of the other stuff, the one line of coke he once drew and how he longs to try it a second time. Or how he did Ritalin in college to push his body beyond its limits, and how easy it would be to dope himself again like this. But he knows he can’t, he _mustn’t_ , running a finger up his right arm’s sleeve and tracing one of the countless scars that serve as a reminder of how he used to run and ruin his life. He wouldn’t be able to pull himself out again.

He thinks of how only one person ever texts him anymore, and of Sylvain’s messages and of the way they wormed themselves into his brain. He made it sound so easy and not at all scary. There was no Blaiddyd there looming over Felix, serenely sipping tea to mask the beast inside.

Rubbing his hands against each other, Felix finds his palms sweaty. “I…” He swallows. “I’m going to be frank with you.” Blaiddyd raises one eyebrow even farther. Felix wants to squeeze his eyes shut and hurl himself out of his office’s window. “This is about work.”

“Ah, I see.” Blaiddyd sets down his mug to fold his hands on the desk. “I can’t promise you it won’t happen again but you should know I do not make you work on your weekends on purpose. This was an exception—you understand we couldn’t let the chance pass us by.”

No, Felix doesn’t understand. Careful to conceal his emotions, he asks, “Is this whole video ad business that pressing?”

“Not really, but I knew that if I asked you the matter would be dealt with both swiftly and accurately. You’re the only person working here I trust to set everything into motion the way I envision it.” Felix wants to scowl at the argument disguised as praise. Blaiddyd wouldn’t be in the position he is in without his silver serpent’s tongue. “Your father was an indispensable asset to—”

“Stop. I don’t want to hear about him.”

Blaiddyd’s eye moves to watch his tea. “You’re still not done mourning?”

“This hasn’t got anything to do with us.”

“I was just trying to say I’m glad that I have you here by my side,” Blaiddyd locks gazes with Felix, “and that you accepted to take over your father’s work.”

Felix tries and fails to hold Blaiddyd’s gaze, eyes flicking to his laptop’s screen still displaying Dominic’s email. His stomach cramps as the realization he won’t be able to weasel himself out of this sucker punches his already abused-feeling gut. “All I’m asking for is free weekends.” And free evenings. And not having to worry about phone calls in his free time. And coming home without having been drained of all his energy.

“Yes, of course,” Blaiddyd says. Felix knows he hasn’t heard the words unspoken, and he doesn’t have the stomach to ask for more. “Is this all you wanted to talk about?” Blaiddyd asks as if he did understand after all.

Felix’s hands start shaking. “Yes,” he lies.

“Great. You’ll keep in touch with me regarding Annette Dominic.” It’s not a question.

“I will.”

Nodding, Blaiddyd takes his mug and stands up. “I’ll show myself out.”

Felix watches his back as he moves towards and out the office door, then waits for the hammering of his metal boots to recede down the hall. Felix slumps in his chair. He needs a break. In a bout of optimism he left his pack of cigarettes in his car, so he pulls on his coat, grabbing his phone on the way. If Sylvain isn’t proud of him he’s gonna kick his lily ass to the moon.

Felix has never clocked out unless he’s left for home before. The eyes boring through his back for a peek at his soul as he strides through the Blue Lions foyer unnerve him. It takes all of his willpower not to turn around and find out who’s staring at him. This is all stupid Blaiddyd’s fault. Why can’t he hand out assignments to all these loiterers instead of piling work on Felix as though he’s the local dump?

His eyes well up with tears from the freezing air outside, and his lack of gloves means Felix will likely end up with frostbite blooming on the joints of his fingers. He never would have thought he’d relapse into his addiction after the few draughts of nicotine he’s had. Yet he can’t deny the immense relief he exhales with an unhealthy amount of smoke. Felix can’t help but grin at the repulsive taste in his mouth, at his masochism from the smoke coupled with the way his fingers suffer in the cold. At least his phone screen still responds to them.

**Unknown number:** Oh no reason

**Unknown number:** Wed just make a great team dontcha think?

**Unknown number:** 2 sad single guys

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** And I’m not sad about it

**Felix:** Anyway I told my boss I disliked the way I had to spend my weekend

**Felix:** And that I’d prefer having them off in general

Sylvain replies just as Felix unites the remains of the cigarette with the parking lot floor.

**Unknown number:** :o

**Unknown number:** I hope he was understanding

**Felix:** Honestly? I think he doesn’t get it

**Unknown number:** Is he dense?

**Felix:** Would be far from his only problem

**Felix:** I got to go back to work now

**Unknown number:** All right have fun

**Unknown number:** Oh and thanks for taking the time and telling me

* * *

The remainder of Felix’s workday passes in an uneventful blur. He replies to Dominic’s mail, asking her for a phone call, or better yet, if she lives anywhere close to Fhirdiad. Then Felix could arrange for her to speak with Blaiddyd and Molinaro directly. Perhaps he won’t even have to be present for that future meeting… Sighing, he crushes his own dreams by recalling the conversation he had with Blaiddyd.

Felix clocks out after a humane time, mouth watering at the thought of the rest of his stew waiting for him in his freezer. Of course he doesn’t want to delay, but his curiosity gets the better of him, so on his way home, Felix caves. The gym is still in the same place it was the last time he visited three and a half years ago. After parking Felix rifles through his wallet to locate his membership card, still valid if the place really hasn’t shut down. Leaving the car to step out into the cold is a pain but so is having no hobbies.

The inside of the gym looks like Felix remembers it. He walks over to the counter opposite the entrance. A blonde woman stands behind it, reading something on a computer screen. As soon as she looks up and sees Felix approach, she asks, “Felix, is that you?” Oh shit, it’s no-indoor-voice Catherine.

He can’t very well make a run for it now—and Catherine would catch him easily anyway—so Felix continues, staring straight ahead to attract as little additional attention as possible, until he’s close enough for his voice to carry. “Yes. Hello.”

“We thought you’d moved or something, man!”

“‘We’?”

“Oh, you surely remember Caspar and the crew. Raphael used to be with us a lot, too, but he _did_ move away—”

“Is my membership still valid?” Felix interrupts her. He needs neither her thundering motormouthing nor a trip down memory lane.

“Well, did you cancel it?”

“Probably not.”

“Do you still have your card?” Felix hands it over. “Thanks.” Catherine types something into the computer with the speed of a grandma with a walking stick who left her glasses at home. “You know, you look older. Not old, mind you, there’s just less baby fat in the face. You’re really all grown up now, huh?”

Felix’s mouth draws into a thin line. “I’m 28. Yes, I’m all grown up.”

“Keep making that expression and you’ll go wrinkly in no time.” No-indoor-voice Catherine apparently also lacks self-awareness to not realize she’s a major cause for Felix’s frown.

“The membership?”

“Still valid.” Catherine hands the card back. “You do realize you’ve been paying for the gym subscription without making use of it all these years?”

“It doesn’t—”

“We can’t refund you, you know.”

“—matter.”

“So do you want to cancel it?”

Felix turns his head to look at the treadmills and weights, at the small boxing ring in one corner. And at his skinny arms hidden by his sleeves. Hell, he’s lost enough weight from the loss of muscle mass alone that he looks like a scarecrow on diet. “No. I want to pick up my training again.”

“That’s the spirit!” Catherine beams and the twinkle in her eyes tells Felix the only reason she’s not bumping him on the back is the counter dividing them. “When can we expect you back?” She leans over to give Felix a once-over that makes him squirm internally. She’s gonna see how low he’s sunk exactly. “You don’t have spare clothes with you, do you?”

“No. I’ll just… I’ll be back.”

Something flashes in Catherine’s eyes, and Felix turns around quickly to chance avoiding whatever comes next. He’s already taken his first step towards freedom when Catherine pipes up from behind, “Was that a Terminator reference? Man, do you remember when we had these movie nights? Caspar was freaking out over Arnie’s build!”

Felix raises his hand in a salute of farewell, feigning nonchalance as Catherine, in her ignorance, drives a blade through his heart with her words. The memories hurt just as much as the knowledge he can never go back to the way things used to be. Outside the gym, Felix rounds the corner to his car and fights off his growing uneasiness with nicotine. His stomach cramps on his second draught and Felix hopes it’s only hunger pangs and not the first symptom of a fatal disease.

* * *

Felix is developing a second bad habit: checking his phone way too often. He’s started getting nervous when Sylvain hadn’t texted him again by the time Felix was done with work. Delaying the urge to look at his screen by taking the detour to the gym was a smart idea, Felix thought, until he came home and found his social life as dead as it was a week ago. At least Cat still nuzzles against him, purring when he pets her and watches his stew become warm and liquid again.

The evening passes with a lack of notifications that used to mean peace and quiet and now hurt Felix like he’s a pathetic little bitch.

He’s already in bed, Cat occupying her place on the pillow next to his, when a sob rattles his body. Reaching out with a shaky hand towards Cat’s reassuring warmth and softness, Felix presses his eyes shut against the tears. “I don’t tell you nearly enough,” he whispers, voice rough and shaky and cracking. “Thank you for being here with me. I love you.” His throat constricts and he loses himself in the soft purrs Cat answers him with.


	6. Day 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for your support! I'm overwhelmed with how many kudos and comments this fic has gotten so far. Be assured I cherish each and every one of them <3

Felix wakes up with a skull-splitting headache. The left half of his head pulsates with waves of pain, and his eyesight has gone blurry on that side. He’s getting old, and not in the ways he envisioned. One always gets the pain part wrong.

After somehow managing to crawl into the bathroom while only bumping his toes against one door Felix swears wasn’t there the day before, he rummages through the drawers to locate some aspirin. He swallows more pills than can be healthy, chasing them with water he drinks straight from the tap. Cat, meanwhile, is no help at all, winding herself around his legs to make his staggering gate look like he hasn’t been walking for the last, oh, only 27 years.

Felix pulls his hair up and even considers a way to pin his bangs away from his forehead to see better through his good eye when the action causes his pain to paint half his vision red, then black. Shit. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Felix does _not_ want to end up looking like the mirror image of Blaiddyd. The memories of how he lost his eye make Felix taste bile. A cold splash of water in his face helps somewhat but the feral visage, framed by dripping strands of hair, staring back at him from the mirror is a far cry from the image Felix would like to project.

Over his morning coffee Felix contemplates his options whereas Cat’s still busy rubbing herself against his legs. He shouldn’t have said anything last night because now she’s getting ideas. If the aspirin don’t kick in any time soon, Felix won’t be able to take his car to work. Staying home isn’t an option—he has a phone call with Dominic scheduled for today which he wants to report to Blaiddyd ASAP, and there’s a meeting he can’t miss on how to initiate Ubert next Monday. Felix starts feeling better until he gets up to retrieve his phone from his nightstand, the world tipping sideways, Cat still not helping, the table an anchor Felix grips hard enough for his fingers to lose all color.

Once the world stops spinning he staggers to his bed, plopping down on it while ripping the charger out of his phone. Felix tells himself he doesn’t care when he sees Sylvain replied at three in the morning, and the only reason he opens the messages is so they won’t clutter his lock screen.

**Unknown number:** Sory for juts disappearomh off the face if the esrth y esterdau

**Unknown number:** Me & the guyd were in thesetudio sll evbneing and wemt out fro drinks adfterwrads

**Unknown number:** Its gonnma be s busy weak for ne

**Unknown number:** But!!1 Imj super exicted to be workong on theyere new alnbum

Looks like the man had one drink too many. Felix doesn’t reply and instead opens his browser to find a bus that’ll deliver him right into his office. This would be vastly preferable to taking a cab in which he’d be forced to make small talk with a stranger, which is already a prospect worthy of ruining a day without a headache raging in his head like an earthquake.

Grabbing the exact amount for the fee is the last thing Felix does before closing and locking the door to his condo behind him. It’s weird to leave in this state—when he crashes like this, it’s usually on the weekends as if his body knows it’s allowed to hit him with the full backlash of the strain he puts on it all week. Cat’s miserable meow is the last thing he hears from her, and he hopes he’ll get back home in one piece to feed her in the evening.

* * *

Felix expected the bus ride to be just as bumpy as it turns out to be. What he failed to take into account, though, is the way people just cough and sneeze in every direction, all the time, or against their unprotected hands which they then use to grab hold of the handrails. The heaters reek of diesel exhaust so if Felix manages to avoid the germ breeding zone there are other ways to make him wish breathing was optional for staying alive.

Oh no. No, please, no. Not this fucking song now in his head.

Curse Dominic.

The Bee Gees plague Felix just like their namesake, buzzing around in his head with the unmistakable air of Dominic surrounding them. He can’t rid himself of them as he stumbles out of the bus and waves away a concerned woman whose face looks like it was drawn with the trademark crayon strokes of Edvard Munch. Who needs to pay a visit to the museum when you get this headache for free? Felix smiles grimly. As long as other people don’t start appearing akin to Picasso’s works, he’ll be all right.

No one assaults him when he enters the Blue Lions building, and the slurring elevator takes him up to his office without running into anyone important. Most of the staff is always on the verge of collapse, too, anyway, and no one bothers him until he can lock his office from the inside. He shouldn’t do this, but the temporary relief he feels is so worth it. He’ll just unlock it in case Blaiddyd turns up to bother him before the meeting.

Water and work are Felix’s sustenance until the clock strikes one. His desk phone rings with an abominable alarm Felix does not remember picking for it. It feels like a spear pierces his head, the world swimming out of focus until he picks up the phone. “Fraldarius, Blue Lions Financing and Real Estate, management.”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Fraldarius! This is Annette Dominic. We… have a telephone appointment.”

“Right. I hope this arrangement poses no great inconvenience to you.” Felix leans back in his office chair, twirling one strand of his hair around a finger. “It’s just faster than trading emails back and forth, and my boss is rather keen on drawing up a contract as soon as possible.”

“Absolutely! And I always think it helps to at least know the other person’s voice. Preferably also their face, and lucky me found a picture of you on the Blue Lions website!” What? Who the fuck uploaded this without Felix’s consent? He pins his phone between ear and shoulder to check which photo exactly is on there. “And I mean you know what I look like!” Dominic giggles.

“Yes.” Felix scans the website, navigating the headers to find the incriminating picture. “If you’ve been reading up about the company, you know our main office is located in Fhirdiad.”

“Ah, that’s perfect! I live in Fhirdiad, too.”

Felix narrows his eyes. He didn’t recognize any of the backdrops Dominic passed on her way to work in the videos. Sylvain’s right, he begrudgingly admits to himself. Again. He should go out more. “I… didn’t notice.” Ah, and there it is: the photo of him with his resting bitch face, looking like someone ripped it straight from his driver’s license, taken on his bad hair day. Awful. At least it’s only the second impression he’s made on Dominic, and he hopes his emails radiate more competence than this sorry excuse.

And his apparent inability to multitask doesn’t help his case with Dominic asking, “Are you still there, Mr. Fraldarius? I think our connection—”

“Sorry, I was distracted for a second.”

“Oh, I understand. Your job must be really trying.”

_If only you knew._ “It is.”

“I was only saying that if we make an appointment I’ll be able to visit Blue Lions personally. I work a day job so I’d have to take the day off because I don’t think you’d like to work in the evening hours for me.”

_If only you fucking knew._ “It would be the preferred solution.”

“Yeah, I, well, I already talked with my superior about it.” Dominic gives a nervous giggle that rings in Felix’s ear. He holds the phone away until she’s back to speaking. “—get a day next week off. Best would be Wednesday or Thursday.”

“Oh. Uh. Let me check my calendar.” Felix puts the phone face-down on his desk, knocking over his glass of water and spilling the rest of its contents on his pants. Oh fucking wonderful.

Stifling a curse, Felix fights against his vertigo and the door lock to sneakily steal a roll of toilet paper from the stalls down the hallway. It’s a good thing he’s wearing a pair of black pants today and the staff hovering in the hallway doesn’t notice the wetness in his crotch area. He can’t keep them from staring, though, his clipped gait sounding out his hurry against the floor. As soon as he vanishes back in his office like a local cryptid, Felix locks the door to avoid being accused posthumously of pissing his pants should he drop dead from his headache.

After soaking up and wiping away the mess as best as he can in seconds, Felix, vision spinning, reaches for his calendar on his desk. He picks up his phone and says, “Sorry for the delay, Miss Dominic. I had to deal with… an unexpected interference.”

Dominic takes a moment to reply. “Oh. I was already wondering if I jinxed the connection somehow.”

“No, don’t worry.” Felix flips open his calendar and checks the date. “You said Wednesday or Thursday?”

“Next week, yes.”

Ubert will start on Monday. If Felix can get him to somehow be present during the whole Dominic thing then maybe, _maybe_ he’ll be able to shove some of the work onto him. “Would Thursday at 12 sharp work for you?” he asks, already drawing the sorriest excuse for a circle around the date. The thing looks like a squiggly pre-schooler attempt. How the fuck does Blaiddyd deal with being half-blind?

Felix curses himself for the thought immediately, and it’s all he can do to salvage the damage he’s already dealt himself and keep from vomiting. It’s already the second time this day he thinks about _the incident_. He knows a partial answer to his question, and he wishes he didn’t. Ignorance is bliss.

“Yes,” Dominic says, her voice pulling Felix out of the memories flashing before his inner eye. She won’t be able to distract him adequately, even with her high-pitched addition, “I’m really looking forward to meeting you!”

“So are we,” Felix replies, interpreting the ‘you’ as a plural form on purpose. _He_ isn’t excited about this whole business, although Blaiddyd sure is. Perhaps even Molinaro. He can’t tell with someone who wears their face like a weapon but, according to Blaiddyd, it was his idea as well, wasn’t it? Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking on Blaiddyd’s part.

“Oh, great! I can just walk to the front desk and ask, right? Do you even have a front desk?”

Felix suppresses a sigh. “Yes, we do.”

“All right, thank you!” Dominic waits. And waits some more. Realizing Felix isn’t one to make small talk, she says, “I wish you a wonderful week.”

“Thanks. I hope yours is good as well.” He ends the call before Dominic gets to resume her verbal assault.

What Felix needs apart from the smoke he keeps putting off is either brain bleach or a distraction—and it better be a good one—to rid himself of these constant reminders about _the incident_. He refills his glass to chug back more aspirin, and pulls out his private phone. The screen makes his head ache and so will Sylvain’s music, but hopefully it will also clear his head.

There’s a message waiting for him.

**Unknown number:** Hey ur not mad at me r u? :(

Oh. Ohhh. He forgot.

**Felix:** I’m having one of the top five worst days of my life

**Felix:** Distract me

Sylvain takes his sweet time to reply. In the meantime Felix puts his sad song on repeat and works off as many internal affairs mails as he can before the scheduled meeting. A budgeting spreadsheet is waiting for him, too, but he won’t get any work done on it today. The buzz of his phone comes as such a relief Felix knows he’s supposed to feel worse than he already does about it. Fuck it. Fuck it all. He finishes his reply to the mail currently opened before leaning back and ditching work to turn off the song and socialize.

A sly grin forms on his face. If he weren’t in the position he is in, he could get fired over it. As it stands, he can blame the bend in his work output on his headache. Well, assholery is part of the job description. Let him make use of it for this one day.

**Unknown number:** Wanna trade a couple questions back and forth?

**Unknown number:** I mean I know u (sort of)

**Unknown number:** But I dont really know *about* u

**Felix:** Ok

**Unknown number:** When’s ur birthday?

**Felix:** February 20

**Unknown number:** Oh i better note that so i wont forget

**Felix:** It’s still January

**Unknown number:** Yeah so? Only 5 more weeks for me to forget?

**Unknown number:** Anyway mines on june 5

**Felix:** I will probably forget yours

He still makes the effort to scribble something illegible onto the June page of his calendar. If he still knows what this is supposed to mean in four and a half months he’ll mark it properly.

**Unknown number:** Thanks for the heads up

**Unknown number:** So seeing as ur a winter kid and im a summer kid

**Unknown number:** Whats ur favorite season?

**Felix:** I don’t know. They all suck somehow

**Unknown number:** Cynic

**Unknown number:** But if ud have to pick. Which one is the least bad? And y?

**Felix:** Winter. You can shut yourself in and nothing bugs you

**Unknown number:** Dude did u just make a pun

**Unknown number:** ?????

A smile tugs at the corners of Felix’s mouth. Allowing himself a joke feels good somehow.

**Felix:** I might have

**Unknown number:** o: o: o:

**Unknown number:** I did *not* expect that

**Unknown number:** Anyway i like summer best

**Unknown number:** Bc i love outdoor activities and the weathers usually best for that

**Unknown number:** Except for thunderstorms. Lex hates those :(

**Felix:** Does he get frightened?

**Unknown number:** Yeah. He hates loud sounds. I always try to be home so i can comfort him

**Unknown number:** New years is also really bad

**Unknown number:** How does cat deal with it?

**Felix:** She doesn’t mind. She actually looks out the windows and watches the fireworks

**Unknown number:** A dream

**Unknown number:** I trained with lex

**Unknown number:** My best friend works with animals but she couldnt help him either :(

**Felix:** How old is he?

**Unknown number:** Hell turn 4 next spring!

**Unknown number:** And cat?

**Felix:** I don’t know. I got her from the shelter

**Unknown number:** Was her original name cat???

**Felix:** No but I don’t think “The Grinch” fit her

**Unknown number:** I am wheezing

**Unknown number:** Dude

**Unknown number:** U cant drop this bomb just like this

**Felix:** I think she’s used to children though? She never scratches me

**Unknown number:** Awww she loves you

**Unknown number:** You rescued her

**Felix:** Like I said. Stockholm syndrome

**Unknown number:** Thats when u get kidnapped, not rescued!

Felix rolls his eyes. Ouch. That was a bad idea.

**Felix:** Whatever

**Felix:** Next question

**Unknown number:** Coke or pepsi?

**Felix:** Neither

**Unknown number:** What! How can u not like either????

**Felix:** They taste like cardboard

**Felix:** I can feel my teeth rot in my mouth when I drink this sugary shit

**Unknown number:** What do u drink then?

**Felix:** Water and coffee

**Unknown number:** Tea?

**Felix:** Is ok

**Unknown number:** Close call but i hereby pronounce u officially redeemed

**Unknown number:** But do u not like any soft drinks?

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** Sweet things just taste… bad

**Unknown number:** Even cake? O:

**Unknown number:** *o:

**Felix:** Especially cake

**Unknown number:** Ur missing out man

**Unknown number:** What do u have for ur birthday then? No birthday cake?

**Felix:** I don’t celebrate it

**Unknown number:** I should have figured

**Felix:** Yes

**Unknown number:** Thank u

Felix glances at the time. Uh-oh. Sylvain’s a little too good at distracting. If he still wants to make it to the toilet before the meeting, he has to go now.

**Felix:** I have a meeting now

**Unknown number:** Oh

**Unknown number:** Ill be working all evening and might go out again

**Unknown number:** Its weird tho

**Felix:** What is?

**Unknown number:** Usually im always in the mood for taking someone home with me

**Unknown number:** Maybe im getting old

Felix’s stomach somersaults and crashes. He didn’t want to know. It… hurts somehow, even though he’s been aware all this time Sylvain likes fucking. Otherwise they wouldn’t even have started texting what? Less than a week ago? Saints above, Felix really is the poster boy for pathetic.

He turns his phone off and shoves it down his pocket.

* * *

On the way to the conference room, Blaiddyd jumps Felix like a prowling predator. Well, figuratively speaking. “Ah, Felix!” he more yells than says, falling into step beside him, turning his head to be able to look at him as Felix is walking on his blind side. And Blaiddyd on his. Heh. “I haven’t seen you all day.”

“I was a little late. I had to take the bus today. And then I was cooped up in my office.” Felix readjusts the laptop case he carries under one arm. He’s going to leave right after the meeting, and going to forgo the detour back to his office.

“Did your car break down in the cold?”

“No. I woke up with a headache. I can’t drive like this.”

“Oh.” Blaiddyd sounds concerned. Felix keeps his eyes trained on his destination. “I hope you’ll get better soon.”

“Thanks.”

“Is the headache also the reason for you not tying up your hair today?”

“Yes. It only made it worse.”

“I haven’t seen you with your hair open for years.” They reach the door to the conference room. Blaiddyd opens it and turns towards Felix. “It suits you.”

Felix waits for the inevitable comparison with his father that doesn’t come. Instead he’s allowed to leave Blaiddyd standing in the doorframe with another “Thanks,” more directed at the fact he’s holding the door open than at the weak attempt at a compliment.

“Did you speak with Annette Dominic?” Blaiddyd asks his back.

Felix stops dead in his tracks. “Yeah. She’ll be here next Thursday at 12.”

“Can you send me a reminder? I’d like to be present.”

“I will.” Felix scans the room, picking a free seat far away from the presenter, raising eyebrows. He can’t find it in himself to give a flying fuck.

* * *

Craving nicotine makes it hard to focus on anything. Felix blames his earlier office episode and lack of work output on his growing addiction as much as his inability to follow the meeting for more than the most basic points he copies onto his laptop. If his headache weren’t bad enough already, Felix’s thoughts drift off to either tobacco or Sylvain, and he’s pissed at both.

There’s also a blister on the second joint of his right index finger that either just appeared or Felix failed to notice before, but now that he’s seen it he can’t unsee it. Nor can he unfeel the pain that might be similar to arthritis but is only a first to second degree frostbite. What a way to feel old. He keeps picking at the swollen redness with his healthy hand, contributing to the various distractions occupying his mind.

Felix only perks up once Ashe Ubert’s name comes up. He manages to secure him for his appointment with Dominic. What else Ubert’s going to do in his first week at Blue Lions fails to catch Felix’s interest—as long as he isn’t his problem, everything’s fine by him.

* * *

On his way home, Felix caves. The cigarette before the bus ride was heavenly and therefore served as a nice foretaste of what his crash down to hell will taste like. The ride itself was shitty enough, especially since his right index finger won’t stop flooding his nervous system with information he can just as easily perceive if he just looks at the stupid bump on it. However, having to hold onto a swinging handrail with a hurting hand is not the only reason for Felix to get off one stop early.

He needs two things: Most important is chewing gum, preferably one that does without sugar, or worse, artificial sweeteners. It should serve as a way not to lose concentration in inverse proportion to his rising desire to smoke. Secondary is a pair of earphones so he won’t broadcast Sylvain’s music through the whole floor if he finds himself in a rut again. It would be sweet if he finds some with a microphone attached, like the kids today have.

The gum is easier to locate than the earphones and Felix blames it on his headache. He eventually leaves without earphones and forces himself to walk the remaining blocks, only just so managing to make it back home before collapsing due to exhaustion. Cat demands food, a reminder Felix forgot to eat all day. No wonder he feels like he’s about to keel over for good. After serving Cat he rifles through his fridge. Next to three bottles of beer he finds several calorie-heavy protein shakes that taste like the bullshit they are.

He wants to puke his guts out afterwards.

Instead he makes himself crawl under the shower and from there right into bed.


	7. Days 7 and 8

Having spent the better part of the night tossing and turning, Felix is surprised he not only managed to fall asleep in the end, he also wakes up surrounded by too much light. Fuck. _Fuck!_ He overslept!

Throwing off his covers and Cat with them, Felix struggles out of bed, his headache still very much active and throbbing in his head in time with his accelerated heartbeat. His eyes fall on his empty nightstand as he fails to steady himself and sinks down to his knees. Fuck fuck fuck. And where is his phone?

The world blacks out for a second when Felix rights himself. He slaps the part of his sweatpants where the pockets are but they are empty. And it’s the wrong pair of pants anyway. Cursing, Felix treks to the bathroom where he rid himself of the last day’s clothes. His phone is indeed in his old pair of pants. And it’s turned off.

Right.

And also fuck.

Because, as soon as the stupid thing asks for his pin, Felix’s mind goes blank. He can’t remember ever entering that string of numbers, and he knows he just did so a few days ago. Hell, he doesn’t even know how many digits he’s supposed to put in. His hands just used to do it all automatically, and now that he takes the time to think, his subconscious has fucked off for good. The little he can make out through the headache-induced haze glazing over his eyes in the mirror shows him an expression so bewildered it reminds him more of a comedy than the tragedy he’s stuck in.

He needs a coffee and then a smoke.

The air on the balcony is cold enough to cut. Felix watches the traffic go past, letting the cold seep into his bones. His right index finger hurts and pulses in time with his heartbeat. And his headache. Heh. What’s he gonna do now? He doesn’t want to risk one of his three tries, so can’t call work to tell them he’s a wreck. He doesn’t even know what time it is. His microwave’s been showing Mars time since the power outage back in October. After the last drag the cigarette offers, Felix lets it fall down onto the street and turns around to escape the freezing air squeezing the last of his body heat from him.

On the way to the bathroom he passes his laptop case. Felix narrows his eyes. A shower now to invigorate him—he’s late anyway, and it doesn’t really matter if he finds out how to unlock his phone now or in half an hour, does it? And if he loses the job he’d be sad about the money going poof, yeah, but he can’t find himself caring much beyond that. Thinking hurts his head anyway.

As he’s standing under the hot water, Felix finds he’s less panicked and takes the time to finally think. And his solution is so simple that he feels like the dimmest, soggiest match in the pack: the internet will help him. He’ll be able to unlock his phone, and if not, at the very least he’ll be able to write Blaiddyd an email about his unfortunate existence. All is not lost.

After cracking an aspirin and filling his second cup of coffee, Felix waits for his laptop to start up. According to it, it’s 10:58 AM. Felix’s headache makes him thankfully lightheaded enough to not feel like Blaiddyd will behead him for his transgression. He asks if he can work from home today, quoting his headache as the root of his problems and not the constant work he still keeps exposing himself to. Felix’s inbox is flooded thanks to his neglect from yesterday and the mails accumulating afterwards, and instead of waiting for a reply from Blaiddyd, he starts cleaning it out by replying to one mail after another.

He takes a break at one in the afternoon for more caffeine and nicotine. God, he’s pathetic. Blaiddyd replied in the meantime, stating Felix should take the rest of the week off if he doesn’t feel better by tomorrow but if he wants to he can of course work from home. Figures. He also asks why he just didn’t use his phone to message or call him. Oh, right. Felix had wanted to fix that too.

What he finds out with a quick web search is that he should look for everything his cell phone came with that’s not the charger. If only Felix remembered where he put those things… He opens all the drawers on his desk but doesn’t find anything of note. He gets up to search his folders labeled _Important_ in the shelves across the room when the world sways under his feet. Sighing, he sits back down and empties his coffee that’s getting cold and starting to taste like piss before browsing the web for cheap food he can order from there without calling. Chinese it is today. Felix orders enough for three people. He’s starving.

Trying to get up a second time, this time slow and steady like a weak-kneed old geezer, Felix makes sure to locate his money first, his phone second, and the correct folder third. The last one is proving just as hard to find as it is because Felix isn’t big on organizing despite his occupation. He wouldn’t be where he is if it weren’t for his father, who he pretty much inherited the job from, and Blaiddyd, who kept insisting he’s the right man for it. At any rate, Felix finds the documents concerning all things cell phone at the same time the bell rings. At the sound his mouth waters like he’s one of Pavlov’s dogs.

Felix carries the folder and phone over to his laptop to abandon them in favor of some much-needed nutrition. He feels bad about inhaling most the food without tasting any of it, and then he feels worse because it was too much in too little time and the stuff pushes gastric acid up his gullet into his mouth where it washes away the little of the taste the food _did_ leave.

Remembering the beer in his fridge, Felix goes for it despite his headache knocking against the inside of his skull. He won’t get a hangover from just two bottles. Hell, if his past escapades are any indication, he wouldn’t even get shit-faced if he had two bottles of vodka instead. He carries the beer back to his laptop to rifle through his phone bills in the hope of finally finding the pin.

In hindsight, that was a terrible idea.

Felix’s arm shoots out when he opens the cap and uses a little too much force, knocking over the other bottle which shatters on the floor and spews foamy beer everywhere. The noise startles Cat from her sunny spot on the floor. She thankfully doesn’t run into the glass shards but hides herself in the bathroom. Felix one-ups her by accidentally letting the already opened bottle slip. It falls over on his desk, the beer missing his laptop by micrometers as it floods the documents in his folder instead. Well. _Fuck_. And then Felix sees the state of his phone, drowned in beer. He grabs it, wiping it on the hem his shirt, but it’s a lost cause. It must have short-circuited or whatever electronics do when they suffer the equivalent of a hemorrhage, and now it’s dead.

Felix sinks down into his chair. _Breathe in. Hold the breath. Count to seven. Breathe out. Repeat._ Following the instructions of his mantra, he calms down enough to steady his shaking hands. His folder came with a pin to lock pick the small hole in the phone’s side. It’s hard to slide the pin inside with half of his vision hazy and the other red with aggression and shock but Felix somehow manages to free his phone card. Good. He places it in his desk’s top drawer on top of his notebook to keep Cat from eating it later. Maybe it’ll also remind him to jot down the important numbers in there. If he loses Sylvain’s number like this… Felix taste bile for the second time this day.

Perhaps he can salvage the damage by having something soak up the liquid although Felix doubts he can work the black magic to bring his phone back from the dead. Still, it won’t hurt to try. He saves his laptop from the spreading liquid first, then wraps the phone in toilet paper, willing Cat to stay a little longer in her hiding place in the shower, at least until Felix has taken care of the glass shards on the floor. He throws the big ones in the trash first. The ensuing noise of the vacuum feels like an axe trying to separate the two halves of his brain from each other and does a fantastic job at keeping Cat away.

Afterwards Felix inspects the folder’s contents. The pages stick together and reek. He places everything on the radiator so they might dry. Slouching back to the bathroom, he clucks his tongue. Cat climbs out of the shower and lets herself be picked up. Felix presses a shaky kiss onto her forehead and carries her into the kitchen to feed her and pour himself one glass of water, a second, a third.

Felix can’t pretend everything’s all right—nothing is. He feels like shit, he might need to replace his phone because he’s as motorically challenged as a houseplant, he has barely gotten any work done, his hands are shaking again and he knows it’s a symptom of withdrawal. He allows himself a second to hold his head in his hands before he gets back up to smoke and resume work.

* * *

When Felix wakes up the following morning after a fitful sleep, his headache’s finally receding. It’s not completely gone, no, but he feels good enough to drive. His phone wouldn’t turn on yesterday no matter what he tried, and the lack of an alarm caused Felix to oversleep again. Ugh. Fuck it. Just. Just fuck it. Blaiddyd said he can work from home today, too, so what’s it matter? He’ll be back in office tomorrow. The shitshow over at Blue Lions can’t possibly have collapsed in those two days.

With his first coffee in hand, Felix checks his folder. Over night, the documents inside dried but some of the pages are still stuck together. Felix uses too much force and instead of parting them he rips them apart. Fucking wonderful. He can feel his headache coming back at his display of incompetence. He’ll just go bother his phone company in one of their shops. Right after his smoke, a few more helpings of coffee, the rest of the cereal he found this morning, and at least four hours of work. Felix rolls up his sleeves in a fit of motivation, fingertips grazing the scars.

* * *

On top of the speeding ticket, Felix will also get a parking ticket. Wrapped in his six layers of clothes again, right index finger still hurting with the scab of frostbite, Felix is not about to risk his health any more than he absolutely has to. The bus is a fucking health hazard and so is the frigid air outside. He grabs his stuff—keys, dead phone, phone card, folder, wallet—and exits the warmth of his car.

In the phone shop, a red-haired woman leans against the wall behind the counter and looks at the computer screen in front of her with an expression of advanced boredom. She doesn’t change her stance when Felix enters, only her eyes flicking towards him and appraising him. A smile that doesn’t reach her eyes curves her lips upwards. “Hello,” she says, her smile not reaching her voice either. There’s something else in there, though. Greed. “How can I help you?” She extracts herself from the wall, standing up straight.

Felix doesn’t like the glint in her eyes.

“Hello,” he says, pulling off his gloves and shoving them down his mantle’s pocket from which he pulls his phone. “I spilled beer over my phone and now it doesn’t turn on anymore.” He holds the phone corpse out to her. “I already tried soaking up the liquid but these modern things don’t even open up anymore.”

“Hm, let me see.” The woman half-heartedly tries to turn it on, giving up after the first attempt. “Have you tried charging it?”

“No. I didn’t want to end up making it worse.”

The woman snorts. “It doesn’t turn on anymore. You can’t make it any worse if you ask me.” She opens a drawer, checking the phone’s charging socket and selecting one of the chargers. Without giving Felix a second glance, much less the chance to protest, she plugs the thing in.

Nothing happens.

Still, this distresses Felix to no end. He clenches and unclenches his hands. “Well?” he demands.

“I’d say it’s busted.” Thank you, Captain Obvious.

“Can you do anything?”

The woman pulls out the charger and replaces it in the drawer. “I can sell you a new phone.”

“All right.”

The woman gestures to the left-hand wall. “Here are all our phone models. You can also try one of the mock-ups on the table over there.” She points at a round table placed more or less in the middle of the room, but farther to the wall displaying the phones. Felix walks over and gives the phones a once-over. He doesn’t care which model he’s going to walk out of here as long as the thing works.

“I’d like one similar to my old phone.”

The woman steps out from behind the counter, not even bothering with a second glance at the model Felix has used up to now. Humming, she stands in front of the wall of phones for a minute before selecting the priciest one. “I think this one will do for you.”

Felix checks the phone in his hand and steps up to her. “This looks nothing like my old one.”

The woman’s façade cracks for a split second but still long enough for Felix to notice. She eyes his phone again, then takes a step back to regard the wall. After contemplating the display before her, she points at one phone decidedly cheaper than the one she selected for him before. “This should be the newest model from your… preferred brand.”

“Then I’ll take it.”

“All right.” The woman takes the phone out of the display and goes back to her counter. “Can I interest you in something else? You _will_ need a screen protector.” Without waiting for a response, she grabs one hopefully the correct size from the other side of the store. “Oh, and a micro SD.” She adds one with too much capacity for Felix to ever bid the full value of, and of fucking course it bears a corresponding price tag. “Anything else?”

“Yes.” One syllable to tease another insincere smile out of her. “I need earphones with a mic on them.”

“Yep.” She selects some for him. With disdain, Felix sees she keeps picking the most expensive models. “Would you like extra warranty on them?”

“No. But,” Felix places the folder tucked under his arm on the counter, “I forgot my card’s pin number.”

“The ‘n’ in ‘pin’ means number.”

Felix turns away from her to roll his eyes without her noticing. The way he judges her, she’d charge an additional ten percent on his purchase if she saw. “I spilled beer over this, too, and some pages are torn. But I’d really like to keep using my old card.”

The woman raises an eyebrow at him. The smile vanishes as she realizes Felix wants her to look through a shit ton of documents, most of them phone bills. “Is there any order to them? For example, by date? Or do you know where the contract is?”

“No.”

The woman pouts but has reason enough left not to complain. She flicks through the pages, eventually grabbing a pen and drawing a circle around a string of numbers. “This should be it if you didn’t change the pin later on.”

“I doubt it. Thanks.” Felix files the document to the front of the folder. If this should by some misfortune be the wrong number he knows at least what the type of document is supposed to look like. And he’ll ask someone else who isn’t interested in squeezing a money source dry. “I’d like to pay now.”

“Very well.” The woman looks exasperated as well. She scans the products lined up on her counter, Felix pays her, and neither of them wishes the other a nice day.

* * *

Cat winds herself around Felix’s legs when he arrives home. He smiles and strokes her fur as soon as he’s rid himself of his toasting clothes. Allowing himself the remaining beer, taking especial care not to spill any of it, Felix settles down on his sofa with Cat in his lap and the new phone as well as the folder and card in front of him.

The new phone comes with a new pick Felix uses to pry the lid open and insert his cards. He still remembers when these things weren’t small enough for him to accidentally inhale one through his nose, and fumbling with these things one-handed is a huge pain. Cat’s purrs encourage him not to give up, though.

The new phone came with 80% worth of juice and takes forever to set up. The pin the unfriendly store clerk circled works, muscle memory filling in the remaining digits after the first two, and Felix is finally greeted by an unfathomable number of unread text messages and even a missed call.

He looks through the texts first. The first three are from Tuesday evening, shortly after 10:30 PM.

**Unknown number:** How was ur day?

**Unknown number:** R u feeling any better?

**Unknown number:** Maybe u can take a day off if u dont

At two in the morning, the following Wednesday, Sylvain texted him again.

**Unknown number:** Did u turn ur phone off? My messages dont seem to be going thru

There’s a break of another three hours. Felix swallows at the sheer amount of messages, and again at the state Sylvain must have been in when he texted.

**Unknown number:** For the recotd i wen t hpme aloon

**Unknown number:** Againe

**Unknown number:** Evryones just so… hsallow yanno???

**Unknown number:** Liek. Im finaly gretting to kno w someone (u() forr eal

**Unknown number:** (I onl have like 2 friend. S. Dont judge m)

**Unknown number:** &&& its funny

**Unknown number:** I thonk the tihng is

**Unknown number:** That I dont now whst u look like

**Unknown number:** It also help ur a du de two

**Unknown number:** Bc thrererers no president

**Unknown number:** Pres prece dent

**Unknown number:** There

**Unknown number:** Im for once not truing to get into anyyo nes pant

**Unknown number:** And its such a releif

**Unknown number:** I dint know ho mich i cracved somethonk loke thos

**Unknown number:** Juts taljing to som1 & it s just friwndship )mayb??? Id have 3 friend sthne)

**Unknown number:** I do not haeb this emotonal connextion with the women i tske home lol

**Unknown number:** Tbh i dont evne try

**Unknown number:** I stoped carinh so lpng ago

**Unknown number:** When i realized it was al abt looks and sex and& not abt who wer *are*

**Unknown number:** I nevr want to get to kniw them for reel

**Unknown number:** I just chatthem up bc im board & it feels goosd

**Unknown number:** Like i balidte

**Unknown number:** validated somehow

**Unknown number:** I gueass most f them realy great people id find if i gae them a the chance

**Unknown number:** But i dont

**Unknown number:** The y just start gettinj on my nervs after 2 or 2day s 3 days

**Unknown number:** At most

**Unknown number:** & i nevre really talk abt mtself withem

**Unknown number:** Some no what i do for a liveing

**Unknown number:** Some know whitch beer i lik most

**Unknown number:** Som know im a bitch for sorbet

**Unknown number:** But that jus tfacts. Not my personslity

**Unknown number:** Not my past. No tmy aspirations

**Unknown number:** Not my insequrities nor m pasions

**Unknown number:** Im juts the local sinlge hot guy

**Unknown number:** Nota person uynderneath

**Unknown number:** At lest thats wha tit feels like

**Unknown number:** I cnt be friends with them if it fells like thia

**Unknown number:** Its just wrng

**Unknown number:** Some of tem aim for mor ethan a one night stand. Or sometime two nightstands

**Unknown number:** But then thet jsut balk when they fidn out my 2 freins happen to be women to lol

**Unknown number:** Jely

**Unknown number:** Jellyfish lalam

**Unknown number:** lmao

The timestamps show that Sylvain managed to compose this in less than 15 minutes. There’s a five-minute break before and one almost half an hour long after the next text.

**Unknown number:** Man were all sorbet bitches now thst i thunk abtit

**Unknown number:** Uno what also pisses me of????

**Unknown number:** When i taek home wimen

**Unknown number:** They also hate that i let lex slep ion my bed

**Unknown number:** Like the getr super offemded at that fac

**Unknown number:** As if im cheatinj on them (even tho were not even a thung}

**Unknown number:** Lik cmon hes a friggun DOG what are they thinkinh

**Unknown number:** An& also

**Unknown number:** Hell only liv eto be like 12. 27 if im lucky

**Unknown number:** *16

**Unknown number:** 16 if im luckt

**Unknown number:** I dont ave to makim sleep on the flor

**Unknown number:** I knew whta i was getting myseld into whem i sfopted him

**Unknown number:** Hes my frind and i thinl friends can sharea bed without it geting weired

Sylvain must have chosen that point in his monologue to pass out since he sent the next texts at four in the afternoon. Felix picks this chance to down his beer, placing the phone on Cat’s back to keep scratching her chin while he drinks.

**Unknown number:** Holy shit PLEASE excuse me felix

**Unknown number:** I was high off my ass

**Unknown number:** Ignore my rambling i just get so emotional when im alone for too long

The next texts were sent on the same day, at nine in the evening.

**Unknown number:** Is ur phone still off?

**Unknown number:** Im starting to get worried

This morning, shortly before eight, Sylvain sent his final string of texts.

**Unknown number:** All right ive waited all night and ill be honest

**Unknown number:** This is driving me crazy

**Unknown number:** If these messagee dont go thru im gonna call u

**Unknown number:** U dont have to pick up just

**Unknown number:** Just give me a sign

**Unknown number:** I have a really bad feeling all right?

Ah, so this is why Felix has a missed call. Blaiddyd would’ve mentioned one in his email.

**Unknown number:** Oh god oh god oh god oh god

**Unknown number:** No no no

**Unknown number:** Ur all right please tell me you are

**Unknown number:** Im panicking

**Unknown number:** I dont know what to do

**Unknown number:** Im really afraid somethings happened to u bc u said u had a really bad day

**Unknown number:** Or that u hate me for some reason

**Unknown number:** I might have smoked too much pot yesterday but i swear

**Unknown number:** My rambling is all the more honest for it

**Unknown number:** I thought this was

**Unknown number:** I dont know

**Unknown number:** Real

**Unknown number:** ?

**Unknown number:** I KNOW its only been 2 days

**Unknown number:** But so far uve always replied way quicker

**Unknown number:** And my messages usually go thru

**Unknown number:** And Ive grown attached

**Unknown number:** U know more abt me than some people i dated

**Unknown number:** I am so sorry

**Unknown number:** Im pathetic

That’s it. Having reached the end of Sylvain’s texts, Felix feels bad not only for the other man but for himself as well. He shouldn’t have let it come this far, shouldn’t have turned off his phone in a fit of—what exactly? Bitterness? Envy? Jealousy? Resentment?

Here he’s thought Sylvain was living the perfect life: lots of friends, a job that pays well and lets you set your own hours, family that loves you, a nice and comfy home. And while Felix can’t disregard most of his ideas about Sylvain’s life, he can tell it seems like the man is at the very least suffering from trust issues. And he might have a substance abuse problem not dissimilar to Felix’s. Heh. The irony tastes sweet on his tongue. Ew.

**Felix:** I’m fine. Don’t worry

**Felix:** My phone broke but I have a new one now

**Felix:** I stayed home these two days. I’m feeling better

**Felix:** And you’re not pathetic

**Felix:** But please don’t ever call me again

Sylvain doesn’t reply in the time it takes Felix to save his number and finish going through his new phone’s settings. Instead of loitering around, Felix leaves his phone on the table and picks up Cat to walk over to his desk. There’s still old mails to work through, and new ones to read.

* * *

Felix hears his phone buzz as he slides into bed next to Cat. He reaches for it in the dark and dials down the brightness as much as possible before making himself comfortable lying on his side.

**Sylvain:** FELIX

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** U wont believe how relieved i am

**Sylvain:** Its so scary when people say they have a shitty day and then they just disappear

**Felix:** Sorry

**Sylvain:** Its not ur fault!

**Felix:** It is. I spilled beer over my phone

**Sylvain:** But u didnt do it on purpose

Felix decides to keep to himself that the chain of events resulting in him breaking his phone is _his_ fault (or his bitchiness’s).

**Felix:** I lost all my files on my phone

**Sylvain:** Oh no :(

**Sylvain:** Some asshole once stole a laptop i had all my pictures on

**Sylvain:** Poof

**Sylvain:** Gone forever

**Felix:** It’s not that

**Felix:** But I lost your music

**Sylvain:** Dont tell me u want me to resend the songs

**Felix:** I do

**Felix:** They make me feel better

**Sylvain:** Awww

**Sylvain:** Let me hug u

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Digitally

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** (No homo)

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Now im sad

**Felix:** Just send me the songs

**Sylvain:** Say the magic words first

**Felix:** Open sesame

**Sylvain:** U were supposed to respond with “pretty please” but u made me laugh so ill let it slide

**Sylvain:** Which songs do u want?

**Felix:** All of them

**Felix:** Now

Sylvain takes a moment to start sending the files. Felix won’t check them today, but he hopes the 27 songs Sylvain sends him include the three he already knows.

**Felix:** That’s a lot

**Sylvain:** U said u wanted all of them

**Felix:** Yes. Thank you

**Sylvain:** No biggie!

**Sylvain:** But ull have to tell me what u think :)

**Felix:** I will

Felix’s eyes flick to the timestamp on his message. _11.28 PM._ He should be asleep.

**Felix:** How much time does it take you to write a song?

**Sylvain:** That depends

**Sylvain:** On complexity, which instruments i use, and so on

**Sylvain:** And then ill still need to record it

**Sylvain:** It varies

**Sylvain:** But i cant do it in under two hours

**Felix:** Even for the songs that are barely over a minute?

**Sylvain:** Yes

**Sylvain:** If its a short riff stuck in my head and its just me and the guitar or piano im much faster

**Sylvain:** But thats not nearly as much fun as writing complementary lines into the song, like the base line, percussion, harmonies

**Sylvain:** Or experimentation with instruments u usually dont hear together often

**Sylvain:** Like flutes and guitars

**Felix:** You play the flute?

**Sylvain:** With any semblance of competence? Only transverse ones

**Sylvain:** Tho as long as i can force it to make sounds ill play everything

**Felix:** That sounds wrong

**Sylvain:** Yeah sorry. Badly phrased

**Sylvain:** Do u play any instruments?

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** (Ur voice counts too)

**Felix:** I’m tone-deaf

**Sylvain:** Awww :(

**Felix:** I bought earphones today so I can listen to your songs when I work

**Sylvain:** Dude dont give me a heart attack like this!!! Im still weak from the last two days

Felix smiles.

**Felix:** I didn’t expect you to be so, I don’t know, startled? Shocked?

**Sylvain:** Surprised and yes, a little shocked

**Felix:** Why? You knew I liked what you sent me

**Sylvain:** I dont know

**Sylvain:** Its a little overwhelming

**Sylvain:** I might be shedding a tear

**Felix:** You’re not

**Sylvain:** I am!

**Sylvain:** This is just so. Personal? For me? It’s something *i* made u know

**Sylvain:** So uh

**Sylvain:** Thank u for having made my day several times now in the past

**Sylvain:** 2 hours

**Felix:** This wasn’t intentional

**Sylvain:** See if i care lol

**Sylvain:** Btw dont u have work tomorrow?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Its past midnight

**Sylvain:** Go sleep

**Felix:** I don’t have curfew anymore

**Sylvain:** When do u usually get up for work?

**Felix:** 6:30

**Sylvain:** Ok then

**Sylvain:** Ill hug u if u stay up :)

**Felix:** How? Are you gonna reach through your phone?

**Sylvain:** No

**Sylvain:** Ill just cling to u if we ever meet

**Felix:** Fat chance

**Felix:** Especially with that prospect

**Sylvain:** Ill just call u again then

**Felix:** You wouldn’t dare

**Sylvain:** Try me

**Sylvain:** Ill even sing u a lullaby so ull sleep like a babe :)

**Felix:** Im already in bed

**Sylvain:** Which doesnt mean ur going to sleep

**Sylvain:** Dont try and play me felix

**Sylvain:** Or r u so smitten with me u cant stop texting?

Sylvain sends him a smiley with big heart eyes. It’s so ugly Felix’s eyes well up with tears. It’s certainly not the continued glare of his phone’s screen in the dark.

**Felix:** Don’t worry. Not everyone is interested in sex with you

**Sylvain:** It would be kinda squicky

**Felix:** Grow up while I’m sleeping

**Felix:** Good night

Felix shuts off his phone without waiting for a response, turns around, and cuddles with Cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I got excited and illustrated part of the last scene!! You can check the pieces out on my twitter ( https://twitter.com/flowerboy_11/status/1244730560720916488 ) or my tumblr art blog ( https://flowerboy-11.tumblr.com/post/614048037999951872/ )!


	8. Day 9

The earphones work too well. Felix only realizes someone’s been knocking at his door when the handle is pressed down and the door is pushed open a crack. Scrambling for his phone along with his dignity, Felix stops the music and pulls the plugs out, hoping he hasn’t been humming along.

“Felix? Are you there?” Blaiddyd asks, sticking his head in.

“Uh, yes. Sorry. I was,” Felix’s eyes dart everywhere before they settle on Blaiddyd, “in the flow.”

“That’s good to hear.” Blaiddyd doesn’t sound convinced, though. He steps inside, closing the door behind him with his shoulder because his hands are occupied holding two mugs today. How Felix could’ve missed his heavy metal boots on top of the knocking is up to anyone’s guess. “I brought you coffee,” Blaiddyd says as he sets down the mugs with their shining Blue Lions logos and pushes one towards Felix before taking the seat across from him. “I distinctly remember you preferring it to tea.”

“Thanks.” Now this is unusual. Felix takes a sip. Of course it’s the watery house blend. “How can I help you?”

“I’ve been thinking.” Blaiddyd stares into his own cup. Felix hopes he won’t try and read the swirling tea leaves for his fortune. “About our conversation on Monday. And the way you took to bed.”

“It wasn’t so dramatic—”

“No. It is.” Blaiddyd looks back up and locks gazes with Felix. Ugh, he hates eye contact. “Something’s not right between us anymore, and I don’t know what happened to make us drift apart like this. The way you almost called me ‘Mister Blaiddyd’ feels like a knife twisting my gut the more I think about it.”

Felix swallows and hides part of his face behind his coffee. “My tongue slipped. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“See, this is what I’m talking about! You used to be able to read me so well, and now you mistake my grief for anger.”

Felix looks at Blaiddyd, _looks_ , and sees the hurt in his eye, sees how he presses his lips into thin lines devoid of all blood, sees the slight trembling of his hands ripple his tea. “I—” he starts and doesn’t know how to go on.

“I guess I caught you unawares.” A rueful smile passes over Blaiddyd’s face.

“You could say that. I… I’ll be honest. I need to think about this myself.”

Blaiddyd nods. “I’m not saying you’re the only one who changed. But I admit I failed to notice how big an impact Glenn’s—”

The name cuts all air from Felix’s lungs. His throat constricts and he rasps, “Stop.” Hidden by his desk surface, he starts picking at the frostbite blister again, and it hurts so good.

Blaiddyd sighs and again searches for answers in his tea. “I apologize. This was insensitive of me.” He looks up at Felix’s continued silence. “This isn’t going at all how I imagined it.” No doubt he was playing the whole scene out with his idol.

Felix offers a half-shrug. “I think it’d be better if we talked about this without,” he raises his healthy hand and gestures to his laptop, “work looming.”

“You’re right.” Blaiddyd’s expression is grave but he smoothes his face out in little time. “We both have always been quite bad at social etiquette.”

“No shit.” Felix bites his tongue. The pain comforts him somewhat.

Blaiddyd, however, chuckles at the remark. “Exactly. And, as you said, the context of work isn’t helping.”

“Mhm.”

“Would it be acceptable to you if we talked over dinner? I’d like to invite you.”

“Today?” Felix thinks of his training clothes stowed in his car trunk. He finally feels well enough (not rested, but he can at least take the responsibility for that himself) to make good on his gym sub. It’d be a shame if he’ll end up having to eat out with the wolf in sheep’s clothing instead.

“No, no. I was thinking of Saturday in a week, if that’s all right for you?”

Well, then Blaiddyd can’t occupy him with work. And having the chance to finally _talk_ about his issues might be the chance Felix has been silently waiting for for the last few years. “I’ll have to check but I think I should be able to make it.” He already knows his lack of a social life will make sure he won’t have anything better to do on said evening than be lulled to sleep by the TV trying to educate him on Ancient Roman lavatories.

“Splendid!”

“Will…” What in the nine circles of hell is Molinaro’s first name? Time to rephrase. “Will you bring anyone?”

“No, no. I just want it to be the two of us. I think anyone else would interfere with our freedom to speak about our stained relationship.”

Felix releases a sigh of relief. If Molinaro were there, Felix would probably fail to take the leap of faith and accuse Blaiddyd of the tiniest offense taken. He eyes his weak coffee and takes another sip. “I won’t lie. I’m not exactly looking forward to it.”

Blaiddyd offers a smile. “I like it when you don’t mince your words. It’s one of your qualities I hold in high regard, you know?”

Felix didn’t, not exactly. “Ah,” he says, and can’t think of any more to add. He’d rather not tread too far into dangerous waters, despite Blaiddyd’s reassurance. He still gets to pull Felix down by his ankles and make him drown if he so desires. It’s true, however, that his recent emergence of humanity lulls Felix into a sense of security. And perhaps Felix will regain some of his courage if he faces the beast—or the challenge it presents—head-on like he used to.

“But you aren’t dreading it either, are you?” Blaiddyd asks.

“No. Don’t worry.” While it’s still true that he’s not thrilled about the prospect dinner, now the challenge rises in Felix, a feeling he thought gone for good. There’s a stake, something to be gained, and it’s something he actually wants for once: not just Blaiddyd’s approval, but whatever it was that they used to have before it all went to shit. Someone who’s just there. Someone who holds you when you hurt and makes sure you’re going to mend. Someone to look up to and study with together in order to grow into a better, a stronger person. Someone to explore the thick Faerghus woods with, the abandoned wells and bridges, the ruins of castles and towers scattered all across the country. Someone to spend slow evenings with, passing tobacco laced with cheap herbs back and forth under the watchful eyes of the stars.

Saints above, Felix is still the romantic sap underneath it all, huh. How embarrassing.

Hiding his expression as well as he can with the worst coffee his tongue has ever had the displeasure to taste, Felix concedes. He misses his brother. He misses the best friend Blaiddyd, no, _Dimitri_ , had been to him. He misses the two people he’d have walked through fire for instead.

And he won’t lie to himself. Felix knows exactly who spurned these emotions he had declared dead and buried so carefully. _Thanks a whole fucking lot, Sylvain._

* * *

Felix doesn’t like how he used to be so calm about this a few days ago, and now his heart is hammering in his chest as he closes the distance between his car and the gym, the bag with his training clothes slung around his shoulder. His hand digs in his pocket for a cig and his lighter to allow himself a calming smoke, hiding behind a street lamp so no-indoor-voice Catherine won’t berate him for his new old pastimes. His spaghetti-thin noodle arms will be impressive enough to get the job done.

Wiping off the stupid smirk that blooms at the thought with the back of his hand, Felix crosses the street and enters the gym, one careful step placed in front of the last. Catherine perks up from her perch behind the counter where, from the looks of it, she probably keeps trying to beat her own solitaire high score. “Felix!” she bellows. “You’re back!”

Felix waits with his reply until he’s at the counter, keeping his eyes trained on his eventual destination despite the irritating movement he spots approaching on his side. “I said I would be.”

“I honestly didn’t think you’d make good on that so soon. So, didja come here with a plan or d’you want me to help you stitch together a new routine?”

“I still can do that myself. I’ll,” Felix’s eyes flick to the side, and he makes sure to turn away from the direction the cyan hurting his eyes approaches from, “get changed.” And walks off to the cubicles.

And not a second too early, it turns out, as a shrill voice from behind starts rambling at his back. “Hey, is that really you, Felix? Felix?” Steps sound from behind. Great. He’s being pursued. “Hey, don’t walk away, man! We haven’t seen each other in forever!” Felix slides the door to the cubicle closed behind him without turning around, then turns the lock. “I’m not gonna let you get away!”

“So you’re going to camp here?”

“Yeah!”

Felix shakes his head. Caspar is still the airhead he used to be. “Let me just get changed in peace.”

“You better not be trying to sneak out!”

After peeling off his gloves and coat and long-sleeved shirts along with his pants, Felix slips into his old tracksuit he brought. He hasn’t worn it in forever, and the thing makes him feel stupid. But he won’t show his arms to anyone, especially not to people who only know them unscarred. It’s a shame he’ll have to skip showering here. He should perhaps buy an air freshener for his car because the flimsy towel he brought won’t be enough for the torrents of sweat Felix expects to ooze. Once he’s made sure his arms are suitably hidden by the fabric, he takes the full bottle of water out of his bag before stuffing his regular clothes into it, ready to stow the bag in one of the lockers next to the cubicles.

Felix’s heart sinks to the bottom of his stomach when he slides the door open again. Caspar is standing in front of him, and his late growth spurt serves as a nice sucker-punch to his sunken heart. It makes him stand as tall as Felix. Or, no. Not quite. But the centimeter—if it’s even a full one—does little to mend Felix’s broken dignity. He hates having turned out such a shorty surrounded by giants like Blaiddyd, or worse, Molinaro. Here’s to hoping that Sylvain might be a midget.

In such a meek voice that it could be mistaken for a whisper Caspar says, “It’s really you.”

What the hell? Did someone erroneously publish an obituary or why does everyone act like Felix rose from his grave like the walking dead? “Yeah, it’s me.”

“You look different.”

“So do you.” Apart from his vastly delayed growth spurt, Caspar let his hair grow out a bit and shaved the rest off. It suits him and erases the remnants of the boyishness still present in his face when Felix last saw him.

“Yeah?” Caspar flexes his arm, his biceps bulging. “Look at these babies!” He flexes his other arm as well, showing off the same result. Way to make Felix feel extra shitty for his muscle loss. “I’m super proud of myself!”

“I bet.” Felix ducks out to finally get rid of his bag.

“So how’s life been treating you? What’re doing for a living? You don’t look the type to still be stuck in college,” Caspar chippers on, following Felix around the gym until they reach the treadmills.

Felix turns around and starts slow stretches. “I’m in management at Blue Lions.”

“Wow.” Caspar laughs uncertainly. It’s painful to listen to. His voice is still jarringly high and scrapes against his throat like shards of glass. “Yeah, well,” Caspar’s eyes snap to the side and he tones down his volume considerably, finally reaching a normal timbre, “I’m still in school.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah. It’s not going so rosy at the moment.”

“Okay.” Felix can’t bring himself to care.

“Even Ashe graduated before me! And he was already super slow.”

“Okay.”

“Oh, right! He said he was gonna start at your company next week!”

Felix finishes his stretches, eyeing the treadmill with dread. Something clicks in his head. “Ashe? Ubert?”

“Yeah!”

“You know him?”

“Didn’t I ever tell you of the time Ashe and me both accidentally adopted the cat that was living in the school dining hall?”

“You guys live together?”

Caspar hits his head, but the way he uses the gesture makes it clear he’s upset with Felix’s denseness. “No! I never lived in a dining hall—”

“I meant you and U— You and Ashe.” Felix steps onto the treadmill and looks through the programs. While he doesn’t want to show off the deterioration of his stamina to Caspar, he figures it’s better to bite the bullet than the dust, and he eases himself in with a light jog.

Caspar starts off on the treadmill next to his without prompting. “Nah. I still live with Lin.”

“Lin?”

“Linhardt! We both uh… benefit from the arrangement. Financially speaking.”

“Is he still in school, too?”

“Sometimes I wish he were! You know, get a research doctorate and lock himself in a lab all day.” Caspar sighs. “He’s sooo smart. And sooo lazy.”

“So if you two living together is also advantageous to him…” Bitch. Even the light jog is taxing. Felix struggles for breath but Caspar is already back at monologuing.

“Yap, he’s currently out of work. Again. And I don’t mean this is the first time he’s been fired.” Caspar runs a hand through his hair, his frustration evident in both strained voice and grim expression. “You’d think a brilliant person like him would have it easy! But no, he has to ruin it all. Either he’s sleeping on company time, or he browses Amazon for hair clips. When, you know, he should be _working_.” Caspar ups his speed. Felix won’t even pretend to be able to keep up. No, the slow jog is all he will torture himself with today. “And you don’t wanna know how many times he got reprimanded for general rudeness. Like, he can be so blunt and so single-minded that he just offends people. He lacks a brain-to-mouth filter.” An exasperated laugh works its way up Caspar’s throat. “And this is coming from me!”

“I… see…” is all Felix manages to press out between gasps for air and the stitches in his side. He really boasts the stamina his great-great-great-grandfather must have possessed on his deathbed.

And Caspar? Unaffected and dense as ever. “Anyway, let’s not talk about Lin when we can talk about ourselves!”

Can’t Caspar see Felix can’t speak? His face must be red with the strain of keeping up with the pace of the treadmill. “Caspar…”

“Like I said, you look different! Skinnier—no offense, that’s probably why you came back to train—and, I don’t know, did you always wear your hair like this? I mean I know it’s always been long but the bangs… Were they there before?”

“No… I… cut my hair…” After _the incident_. “A… a few… years ago…”

“Short?!”

“Yes,” Felix hisses through clenched teeth. He doesn’t want to think about it, not now, not ever. And he’ll be made to soon enough as it is.

“As short as my hair was?”

“Yes…”

“Man, I can’t believe it! I can’t picture you with short hair at all!”

“Be glad… you missed it…”

“I probably walked past you a thousand times and didn’t notice because I didn’t recognize you.” Caspar laughs. Legs turning to jelly, Felix turns off the treadmill. He’s drenched in sweat, and in shame at the appalling state of his physical prowess. His legs are shaking and he needs a moment to be able to stand by himself. “Are you all right?” Caspar sounds concerned. Before Felix regains the breath to reply, Caspar’s arms wrap around him to steady him.

Felix wants to weep at his pitiful display. He bats Caspar away even as he mutters, “Thanks.” Caspar lets go, leaving Felix to towel himself off and suckle greedily at his water.

“Are you all right?” Caspar asks again.

“Yes. Just… out of shape.” And haunted by the past. Eyes darting from the bottle in his hand to Caspar, Felix makes a weak attempt to turn this conversation around. “I, uh…” No. “You grew.” Better.

“Yeah, I did! Almost 15 centimeters in less than a year. I was so happy! I thought I was finally gonna best Lin. And then my body betrayed me again.” Caspar makes a face. “Now I only get wider.” He leans closer to Felix and speaks low enough to qualify as a whisper considering this is coming from Caspar. “I feel like a manlet.”

Felix wipes his face with his hands to hide the eye that’s probably starting to twitch at the comment. Caspar’s always been vocally insecure about his height, and apparently he’s too dense to consider how other people of similarly short stature compared to most in their gender and age groups might feel about it. Yes, Felix hates how he just stopped growing when everyone else was still shooting towards the sky, and yes, Felix owns boots with well-concealed heels. Several pairs, in fact.

“Are you gonna call it a day?” Caspar asks. He’s since stepped away from Felix and looks around the gym, hands folded behind his head.

“I also wanted to lift weights.” And do push-ups. And maybe find a partner for kick-boxing. The way the treadmill fucked him over, however, makes Felix reconsider.

“You sure you’re feeling up to that? No offense but you looked like you were about to pass out.”

“I’m just… naturally pale.” Grabbing his bottle, towel wrapped around his shoulders, Felix walks off towards the dumbbells.

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Caspar says, following him judging by the closeness of his voice. “You think I’m a dimwit. And while I concede you may have a point, I think you’re rude about it.”

“What do you mean?”

Caspar sighs. Felix glances at him and sees the disdain Caspar tries to hide. “You’ve been awfully quiet. I basically do all of the talking! And don’t try to insult me by telling me you’re ‘naturally pale’.” Caspar draws quotation marks in the air with his fingers to emphasize Felix’s words. “You were shaking and your legs looked like they were gonna give out any second.”

“Sorry. I’m feeling better now.”

“I’m not so sure, so I’m gonna watch you.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “You know what, Caspar? You’re getting on my nerves. I didn’t sign up for you to babysit me.”

Caspar sits down and crosses his arms. “I don’t care.” Felix stares at him, a technique that usually yields good results with stupid co-workers. Not with Caspar, though. He stares right back. “You wanna fight?”

Remembering Caspar’s display of his very muscular arms, Felix breaks eye contact. “No. I want to lift weights.” He browses the array of weight plates, feeling Caspar’s eyes bore into his back like he’s his overbearing parent. He’s turned from a nuisance to a major pain in the ass in the span of less than an hour. And worst of all is the air of well-meaning intentions about him.

Felix selects a pair of the lighter weight plates, carrying them back one at a time and screwing them on. “Can we still talk or are we pissed at each other now?” Caspar asks him once he’s done.

“I’m not pissed. Only… annoyed.”

“Okay. Well, and I’m just confused, so I hope we’re still good.”

Felix immerses his hands in the basin of chalk, then lies down on the weight bench. He’s gonna make a fool out of himself in a few seconds. “We are.”

“That’s a relief!” Caspar sighs happily. “I wouldn’t want you as an enemy.”

“Neither do I.”

“Okay, then I’m allowed to just speak my mind?”

“I couldn’t tape your mouth shut if I tried.” Taking one last steeling breath, Felix grabs hold of the dumbbell and lifts. It’s not as bad as he expected it to be although he bets he won’t be thinking that in five minutes.

“Okay, here goes nothing then… I— I don’t know whatever shit you’re going through—or went through—to make you change so much. And I’m really no good with words.”

“I noticed.”

“Thanks for the reassurance, man.” Caspar combs his fingers through his hair, disheveling it further. “I won’t force you to talk. Had my fair share of shitty talks myself that only amounted to more… pain.” Felix lifts and holds and lowers, lifts and holds and lowers. “So I’m gonna try and approach this from a different angle. Distraction all right?”

“Mhm,” is all Felix manages.

“All right! Remember that marathon we always wanted to tackle and never did?”

Because Felix cut ties, including with Caspar and with his training. And to be honest, Felix forgot about it. The thought makes his mouth water, though. It feels so good to finally _want_ something again, something that’s not the kiss of sleep or of his brother, death. “Yes.”

“We should still do that! Once you’re… more in shape. You’re just gonna collapse after the first twenty minutes the way you perform today.”

“Mhm.”

“Until then… D’you also remember the movie nights back in the day? We don’t organize them anymore but I think it’d be fun if you came over and we watched some crazy shit together with Lin.”

Felix is not so certain about this as Caspar seems to be. Then again, he should go out more, as Sylvain keeps reminding him, and reading these messages hurt. And so far his efforts, while they might not have paid off, they at the very least haven’t made anything worse, either. “Okay.”

“Wait, really? This is so cool!” Caspar gets up from the floor and stretches his arms towards the ceiling. “I’m already pumped!”

Felix heaves the dumbbell up a final time. Relief floods through him when he can finally let go and just lie there. His chest constricts with the effort to breathe and his lungs burn worse than when he draws in the smoke too eagerly. He lies in a puddle of his own sweat that glues the loose strands of his hair to his face, and his arms feel like boneless jelly, worse than his legs did before. He feels light-headed enough to make him think he will vaporize and float home through the windows. Felix is fucking done.

“You’re totally red in the face,” Caspar helpfully observes, since Felix can’t see himself and can now add this detail to his description of symptoms.

“Thanks,” he heaves.

Caspar smirks. “You’re still sarcastic.”

“I had a good teacher.” Fuck. Fuck fuck _fuck no no no, don’t think about him now, don’t you dare. Don’t ask, Caspar, don’t. Keep your trap shut._ Felix abuses the remainder of his strength to pinch himself in the arm and revel in the pain that shoots through his nervous system. He’s still addicted to it.

“Anyway, we should exchange phone numbers? I don’t think I have yours anymore.”

Felix lets out a deep breath, disguising his relief with the strain of the workout. “I have a different number now anyway.”

“My phone’s in the locker—”

“So is mine.”

“Right. So, uh, when are you free?”

Felix snorts at the irony. “Weekends are best, but not this one nor the one next week.”

“Then the one after that!”

“Sounds good.” He slides down the weight bench. Caspar is already by his side, and for a second Felix fears he’s gonna touch him again. Instead, Caspar makes himself helpful and clears away the dumbbell including the weights. Felix unscrews his bottle and watches Caspar’s back. “Thank you.”

“No biggie!” Caspar turns around and walks back to Felix. “You look like you’re dreaming of keeling over. No offense.”

Felix gives him the look that intimidates his co-workers into submission and serves no effect on Caspar. He blames the failure of the delivery on his display of suckling on his bottle like a newborn on his mama’s teat. Saints above, help him. The images he conjures into his mind are also trapped in the continuous downwards spiral Felix tries to claw his way out of.

After grabbing his stuff, he dives for the cubicles again to change. “What the hell?” Caspar asks, locked out. “Aren’t you gonna take a shower? The way you sweated—”

“I know. I’m drenched.” Felix does his best at towelling himself off and enveloping himself in deodorant.

“Then why not?”

“I just can’t, okay?”

“You can’t even talk about it?”

“Yes. So if you don’t mind, don’t ever ask me again.”

“I… Well, I won’t pretend to understand, but I… I won’t mention it again.” Caspar sounds equal parts confused and disappointed.

“Thanks.” Back in the stuffy clothes he wore to work, Felix exits the cubicle.

He holds up his phone and Caspar, eyes widening, scrambles for his locker. “I’ll just make a group chat if that’s all right with you,” he says as he taps away at his phone’s screen.

“I’m probably not going to reply much.” Or read the messages if he wakes up to a hundred of them. There is _one_ person whose texting habits Felix tolerates and there isn’t any space on his patience list left to apply for more.

“That’s fine. We’ll only use it for organizing.” Caspar copies the number Felix opened and displays for him into his contacts. “Lin only really texts if you mention his special interest of the week.”

“How high is the chance of this happening?”

“With you? Zero percent. He’s currently super interested in freckle patterns.” Felix raises an eyebrow. “Exactly! If I invite Ashe too, Lin will have a field day.” Caspar laughs.

“Okay.” Felix isn’t too sure if stringing Ubert along as well would be such a great idea, but he doesn’t voice his concerns. This might very well work out in his favor, too, and so far the man has made a reasonable enough impression. Felix just hopes the sapling his social life has recently budded into won’t be overwhelmed by the sheer input he exposes it to. “I’ll be going now. It was… nice seeing you again.”

Caspar grins and pumps his fist. “Damn right it was! I’m gonna make the group chat and then I guess I’ll be seeing you!”

Felix nods. A small smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “Right. See you.”

He turns his back and leaves, much to the dismay of motor-mouth Catherine demanding, “Felix? Are you going already? And we haven’t had the chance to catch up yet!” Felix shuts the door behind him and power-walks to his car, saving his reward smoke for home.

* * *

Fish is sizzling in the pan, the unmistakable aroma seeping into every corner of Felix’s condo for his continued pleasure even after letting the freezing Fhirdiad air do its worst with its subzero touch. He parts off a slice for Cat, dividing it further in search of hidden bones to sort out. Once he’s satisfied, Felix fills her bowl and seasons the rest. He found a sizeable portion of expired instant mashed potatoes to go with the fish and the wine that he gets to enjoy, clean and wrapped in a blanket, in front of the most talkative ‘person’ at hand: his TV.

Once he’s cleared it, Felix exchanges his plate for his phone and curls up in on himself under the blanket. Two message threads await him this time.

**Unknown number:** YO FELIX my MAN this is Caspar

**Felix:** Hello

He saves the number and mutes Caspar immediately after. Felix can do without message notifications from him. At least for the weekend.

**Sylvain:** Good morning!!

**Sylvain:** I hope ur sleep was refreshing despite its shortness

**Felix:** Not gonna lie. It was a mistake

Sylvain promptly replies.

**Sylvain:** Hope u learned ur lesson then

**Felix:** I don’t know. I think I’d do it again

**Sylvain:** Awww thats what i wanted to hear

**Sylvain:** Or read

**Felix:** I have a question

**Sylvain:** Shoot!

**Felix:** How tall are you?

**Sylvain:** Oh idk

**Sylvain:** Tallish?

**Felix:** Can you check?

**Sylvain:** Uh sure

Sylvain’s gone for about a minute before he picks up typing.

**Sylvain:** It says 186 cm on my id

**Sylvain:** And u?

**Felix:** Fuck

**Sylvain:** ???? Whats wrong

**Felix:** I’m 174

**Sylvain:** And this is bad how?

**Felix:** Everyone’s taller than me

**Sylvain:** R u insecure abt ur height?

**Felix:** Maybe

**Sylvain:** Thats kinda cute :)

**Felix:** It’s not

**Felix:** Shut the fuck up

**Sylvain:** Struck a nerve huh

**Sylvain:** As long as u can reach the top shelves in the store everything should be ok tho!!

**Felix:** This doesn’t make me feel better

**Sylvain:** Well i cant water u to make u grow

**Sylvain:** (Im shit with plants anyway)

**Felix:** Can I just tell you about my day?

**Sylvain:** Sure!

**Sylvain:** I was gonna ask anyway haha

**Felix:** My boss said he wants to talk to me. Privately

**Felix:** We knew each other before work

**Sylvain:** :o

**Sylvain:** From where?

**Felix:** Our dads were friends

**Felix:** And my boss and I were roommates in college

**Sylvain:** So u used to be friends too?

**Felix:** It’s complicated

**Sylvain:** U used to date???? :OOOO

**Felix:** No!

**Felix:** Something happened and then it all went to hell and then we weren’t friends anymore but we never had a falling out

**Sylvain:** Ohhhhhh

**Felix:** And stop making things be about relationships all the time

**Sylvain:** Dude now u sound like ingrid

**Felix:** Who’s Ingrid?

**Sylvain:** My super best friend

**Sylvain:** She always bails me out of the shit i get myself into

**Sylvain:** I dont know where i would be without her

**Felix:** In jail?

**Sylvain:** Nah more like six feet under

**Felix:** ?

**Sylvain:** Just kidding

**Felix:** I don’t get it

**Sylvain:** Sorry

**Sylvain:** Anyway

**Sylvain:** I was gonna ask if ull take ur boss up on the invitation?

**Felix:** I will

**Sylvain:** Good. I hope itll help u

**Felix:** I’m not looking forward to it. I already told him

**Sylvain:** Bc “it’s complicated”?

**Felix:** Exactly

**Sylvain:** Then i also hope itll turn out well and that u can settle ur differences and maybe ull even be friends again afterwards??

**Felix:** I don’t know

**Felix:** I just know I’m going to hurt and I don’t want to

**Sylvain:** :(

**Sylvain:** Can i make it better?

**Felix:** I don’t know

**Sylvain:** Do u already have a

**Sylvain:** A date as in the day ull have dinner and not as in dating?

**Felix:** The 30th

**Sylvain:** Next week?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Okay then ill be a good boy and stay home in the evening

**Sylvain:** And if anything comes up u can

**Sylvain:** U wont call me I know that but u can always text me

**Felix:** Don’t be stupid

**Felix:** Don’t stay home on my account

**Sylvain:** Im not in the mood for going out much at the moment anyway

**Sylvain:** Hell im home right now

**Sylvain:** Just chillin with lex

**Sylvain:** This week wasnt so great u know

**Felix:** I remember

**Sylvain:** Yap so i figured ill take a break from my philandering

**Sylvain:** My old man keeps getting on my nerves anyway

**Felix:** I can see why he isn’t proud of your behavior

**Sylvain:** :(

**Sylvain:** Dont bully me

**Sylvain:** I meant he wants me to settle down already

**Sylvain:** Find a nice girl and marry her and make him 20 grandkids

**Felix:** Seiros

As Sylvain’s next messages flood in, Felix pours himself an extra glass of wine.

**Sylvain:** Lmfao he almost had a heart attack when he thought i accidentally knocked one of them up

**Sylvain:** Was a false alarm she just was clingy

**Sylvain:** Anyway he keeps holding these sermons

**Sylvain:** “When i was your age” bla bla bla

**Sylvain:** Goes in one ear and out the other

**Sylvain:** He probably wont shut up even now when im

**Sylvain:** In ingrids words not “filling every hole i see”

**Felix:** Give her my condolences

**Sylvain:** RUDE

**Sylvain:** Im gonna cry now

**Felix:** You dug this hole yourself

**Sylvain:** Brb CRYING

**Felix:** You sure YOU didn’t mix up the numbers when you said you were 31?

**Sylvain:** Smartass

Felix allows himself a smile at this.

**Felix:** Drama queen

**Felix:** I also went to the gym today

**Felix:** I haven’t worked out in years

**Sylvain:** How was it?

Sylvain seems to have recovered awfully fast from his cryfest.

**Felix:** I’m so out of shape I almost died. Twice

**Sylvain:** Dude better be careful

**Sylvain:** Dont overwork urself there too :(

**Felix:** I won’t

**Felix:** I also met an old

**Felix:** Acquaintance

**Sylvain:** Oh?

**Felix:** He invited me to a movie night

**Sylvain:** U should totally go!! I LOVE movie nights

**Felix:** I will

**Sylvain:** U gotta keep me updated. Tell me which movie u saw

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** Incidentally whats ur favorite movie?

**Felix:** Ooof I don’t know

**Felix:** Back in the day we used to watch a lot of action flicks

**Felix:** The 80s and 90s stuff

**Sylvain:** Ohhh like uh terminator, mad max, rambo, die hard?

**Felix:** These and martial arts

**Felix:** Wait for it

**Sylvain:** ?

**Felix:** Hush

**Felix:** We’d watch them with the gym group. We had a projector and speakers and someone would bring these super disgusting protein snacks we’d have instead of popcorn

**Felix:** And every time we’d see one of the actors (semi-)naked we’d cheer

**Felix:** One time the cops broke us up because the neighbors deemed us a nuisance

**Sylvain:** Wow

**Sylvain:** WOW

**Sylvain:** Why did u guys ever stop?

**Sylvain:** Sounds like u had a really good time

**Felix:** I stopped going

**Sylvain:** Why?

**Felix:** I can’t talk about it

**Sylvain:** Did something happen?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** The same thing that happened with ur boss?

**Felix:** Yes and that’s all I’m going to say

**Sylvain:** All right

**Sylvain:** Im just worried

**Felix:** Don’t

**Felix:** I don’t like it when you say this

**Sylvain:** Okay

**Felix:** So how was your day?

**Sylvain:** Slow

**Sylvain:** I wrapped things up at the studio

**Sylvain:** Gonna be mixing most of next week

**Sylvain:** If i pull an all-nighter early i may be able to take the friday off heh

**Felix:** Lucky

**Felix:** I’ll have to figure out how to breathe life into my boss’s grand vision

**Sylvain:** Its the thing uve been working ur ass off for isnt it

**Sylvain:** Is it confidential or can u tell me abt it?

Felix refills his glass, emptying the bottle to the halfway point. This is the last alcohol he’ll allow himself for the whole weekend.

**Felix:** I have to juggle. There’s always more than just one issue that demands my attention

**Felix:** But yes, his idea is what I spent my last weekend on, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s partly responsible for me

**Felix:** Having to take a day off this week

**Sylvain:** Getting sick?

**Sylvain:** Ah

**Felix:** My boss is absolutely convinced we should make a video ad with a youtube starlet who likes to sing along to whatever’s on the radio when she drives to work. Mostly pop songs from the 70s to early 00s

**Sylvain:** You can’t deter him from it huh

**Felix:** No. So my task is to not have this backfire as badly as it could if handled by the wrong person

**Sylvain:** I see

**Sylvain:** Is she at least good?

**Felix:** She can sing

**Felix:** Wait I can link you her channel

**Sylvain:** Pretty please!!!

It takes Felix a moment to find her channel on his phone. Sylvain remains patient.

**Felix:** <sent link>

**Sylvain:** Thanks!

**Sylvain:** Ill check it out later & tell u what i think

**Sylvain:** As an industry professional

**Felix:** Ok

**Felix:** That’s actually great

**Sylvain:** Dont mention it!

**Felix:** I have one last question

**Sylvain:** More measurements? ;)

**Sylvain:** (No homo)

**Felix:** What the fuck no

**Felix:** I told you I’m not interested

**Sylvain:** I know i know

**Sylvain:** Rest assured neither am i

**Sylvain:** Whats the question

**Sylvain:** If u still want to talk

**Felix:** I just wondered if you did sports too

**Felix:** Or had a workout routine

**Sylvain:** So u really do want other measurements

**Felix:** I hate you

**Sylvain:** Ouch that hurt

**Sylvain:** Dont make me cry again :(

**Felix:** Then answer me

**Sylvain:** All right all right

**Sylvain:** I run and i swim

**Sylvain:** Alternately. One day this & the next one that

Swimming is not an option for Felix. He worries his bottom lip while he waits for an opening to reply.

**Sylvain:** I dont get to it every single day but i do try and stay in shape

**Sylvain:** Oh and sometimes i just go for long wals in the woods with lex

**Sylvain:** *walks

**Felix:** I want to get back into running too

**Sylvain:** Get yourself some good shoes before u start

**Felix:** Can you recommend me anything? I want to go shopping tomorrow

**Sylvain:** Wait a sec i need to look thru my bookmarks on my computer

**Sylvain:** I dont remember the exact name of my shoes but i can snap u a pic

**Sylvain:** U have the weekend off?

**Felix:** I’d like that

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Gimme a sec

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** Mine!

**Sylvain:** But no matter which ones ull get

**Sylvain:** Make sure theyre comfortable

**Sylvain:** And idk ask the store clerk if u can test them out and run a few meters (50+) in front of the store

**Felix:** I’m not a complete newb

**Sylvain:** *boob

**Sylvain:** NO

**Sylvain:** *NOOB

**Sylvain:** FUCK

**Felix:** I don’t know whether to laugh or cry

**Sylvain:** I am but a sad clown

**Sylvain:** Go laugh

**Felix:** Ok

Felix allows himself a chuckle and hopes he’ll be granted such opportunities more often. It felt better than his skewed memories told him. Liars.

**Sylvain:** Ur pragmatism…

**Felix:** ?

**Sylvain:** Its something else

**Sylvain:** Makes me wonder if ur like that irl too lol

**Sylvain:** Ah

**Sylvain:** Heres my fav site abt running! They have a section where they regularly test new shoes

**Sylvain:** <sent link>

**Felix:** Thanks

**Sylvain:** No biggie!

**Sylvain:** U better show me ur new shoes tomorrow :)

**Felix:** I will

**Sylvain:** Good!

**Sylvain:** Im gonna hit the hay now

Felix eyes the time. It’s barely past midnight.

**Felix:** Already?

**Sylvain:** I have stuff planned for tomorrow

**Sylvain:** Help a friend move

**Sylvain:** Gotta get up early

**Felix:** Does this work?

**Sylvain:** ? What does?

**Felix:** Do you… go to bed and you fall asleep just like that?

**Sylvain:** Usually yes

**Sylvain:** U have problems falling asleep?

**Felix:** I might

**Sylvain:** Dont stare at screens before u wanna go sleep (i know i know superb advice im absolutely following myself)

**Sylvain:** U could also try sleeping pills

**Sylvain:** Make me sleep like a babe

**Felix:** I’d rather not

**Felix:** I heard they get you hooked really fast

What Sylvain doesn’t need to know is how Felix has clawed himself out of that particular hole twice already. He won’t fall down it a third time. Cold turkey sucks and Felix never wants to experience it again.

**Sylvain:** 1 or 2 wont hurt u

**Sylvain:** But its ur call

**Felix:** I know

**Sylvain:** I just mean well

**Sylvain:** Wanna talk abt what keeps u up at night?

**Sylvain:** I guess i can afford to stay up another half hour

**Felix:** Sorry but I don’t

**Sylvain:** Okay

**Sylvain:** If u ever change ur mind just say the word

**Felix:** I appreciate the sentiment

**Felix:** But really. You don’t have to be so nice to me

**Sylvain:** Were friends, arent we?

**Felix:** I don’t know

**Sylvain:** :(

**Felix:** The past years have been full of disappointments

**Felix:** And I hope you won’t turn out to be one as well

**Sylvain:** Oh man

**Sylvain:** Please please dont be afraid to tell me if theres anything i can do for u

**Felix:** Just go to sleep

**Sylvain:** Right…

**Sylvain:** Dont forget the shoes

**Felix:** I won’t

**Sylvain:** Sleep well

**Felix:** I don’t think I will

**Sylvain:** :(

Felix mutes his phone and eyes the mess on his table. Shooing Cat from his lap, he tidies everything up before falling into bed. His mind is racing, chasing ghosts it can’t grasp, and he doesn’t even notice when his waking thoughts blur into dreams just as abstruse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to give all of you a heartfelt THANK YOU for your continued support—and the newscomers for sticking with me for over 30k words so far. I didn't think I'd pass the 200 kudos mark this fast, and it's honestly overwhelming! I'm always happy when I check back and see the number's gone up again, and finding a comment in my inbox (each of which is worth at least 10 kudos to me) never fails to make my day <3


	9. Days 10 and 11

**Sylvain:** I hope im not waking u up but while breaking my fast my eyes came upon my tea stash

**Sylvain:** And i thought that maybe itd have a calming effect on u as well

**Sylvain:** Im gonna snap u pics of my favorite blends

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

Felix blinks at his phone. Sylvain was apparently up shortly after eight whereas he himself tried to convince himself he’d be falling asleep again until his bladder protested too much to ignore any longer at ten thirty. A metaphorical hand grasps Felix’s heart and squeezes—Sylvain really shouldn’t give such a big fuck about him. Even worse, Felix doesn’t feel like he can offer anything in return.

He only replies over a greasy breakfast because he remembered with a pang that he now has two contacts that may regularly demand his attention.

**Felix:** I’ll be on the lookout

Caspar made a group chat in the middle of the night, and the amount of replies is astounding considering both the time and Caspar’s assurance Linhardt wouldn’t bother.

**Caspar:** Welcome everyone to the NEWER and IMPROVED movie night group!!! So far we’re 4 and I hope we won’t get more because our sofa is only so big

**Caspar:** I forgot @Felix-(from-gym)-(NEW-NUMBER): You remember the story with the dining hall cat?? Well I kinda adopted him for real so I hope you don’t happen to have a cat allergy

**Unknown number:** It’s not like you take up a lot of space

**Ashe Ubert:** I hope the cat lost some weight

**Unknown number:** She was pregnant

**Ashe Ubert:** For real? Why didn’t you tell me?? I would have taken her kittens in!

**Caspar:** Don’t bully me Lin!!!

**Caspar:** No he was just fat! Sylvester is a TOMCAT. Don’t mess with Ashe!!!!

**Unknown number:** /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\

**Unknown number:** I thought your landlord doesn’t allow pets?

**Ashe Ubert:** I can be sneaky if I want to be

**Caspar:** How did you type this???

**Ashe Ubert:** Wait a sec. I just checked who is this Felix from gym in the group chat

**Ashe Ubert:** This is a little awkward. He’s my new superior

**Unknown number:** Caspar, does your phone lag?

**Caspar:** In my defense this is a detail you both neglected to inform me about

**Caspar:** And well I did let him know I was gonna invite you and he didn’t say anything

**Unknown number:** You’re aware he can read everything you guys text in here?

**Ashe Ubert:** Let’s wait what he’ll say

**Caspar:** I think so?? My messages don’t get delivered immediately

**Caspar:** Okay… but I SWEAR Felix didn’t protest!!

That’s it. Felix mutes the chat. He can only deal with this drama at his own pace.

**Felix:** It’s fine. Don’t worry about impressions. Think of it as a chance to get to know one of your new co-workers

The irony isn’t lost to him, not least because Felix questions his own reasons for going. He doesn’t like groups. The way he remembers Linhardt and the impression Ubert’s left on him convince him that Caspar will be the only one shouting, however. And, Felix reminds himself, this is a step he takes for his own well-being. The hope he’ll heal somewhat is a dim light flickering at the end of the tunnel. He prays it’s not hellfire he sees.

He saves Linhardt’s number since he still associates the ‘unknown number’ tag with Sylvain, and while Felix won’t confuse them, he doesn’t like the way his heart skips a jump when his lizard brain fools him into believing he’ll meet him at that movie night. Hell, Felix doesn’t even know what Sylvain looks like (except for tall, and, according to Sylvain himself, ‘hot’). The prospect of ever finding out weirds him out enough to second-guess his choice of having humored him nine days ago and now having… _this_. _This_ meaning Felix is going to look for running shoes Sylvain recommended to him along with his stupid tea blends before sending him photographic evidence of his deeds.

Damn it. Damn it all.

* * *

Cat meows, taking many small, quick steps towards Felix. The door into his condo clicks closed behind him as the lock catches, and he gets down on one knee to unlace his boots and, after he places his shopping bags on the floor, to give Cat the petting she demands. “It’s warmer than yesterday,” Felix says as if Cat understands, or cares, or will reply. Right. He shouldn’t get into the habit of talking at his pet.

Once Felix peeled enough of his clothes off, he takes a photo of his new shoes for Sylvain.

**Felix:** <sent picture>

**Felix:** Shoes

In the kitchen, unloading his groceries under Cat’s strict supervision, he also sends him one of the tea.

**Felix:** <sent picture>

**Felix:** I also bought your tea

Felix stows the food away and sits down at the table, watching his phone. Nothing happens. Not even the minute counter changes. Eventually the screen goes black from inactivity. Felix sighs. Here he is, finally having the free weekend he fought for, and now he doesn’t even know what to do with the time.

Resting his chin in his hand, Felix considers his options. He could go back to the gym for another round of embarrassing himself. He could grab his new shoes and go for a jog around the block and collapse from exhaustion. Or he could amuse Cat by doing bodyweight exercises in the living room and kissing the floor after the second push-up.

The last one it is, he decides. At least he can do this in a t-shirt and go shower right afterwards, and Cat won’t be too hard of a judge. It’s not like she does any workout other than chase specks of light reflected by Felix’s cutlery, or hunt down toy mice reeking of catnip.

* * *

Felix hates himself. If anyone had seen his display of absolute incompetence just now, if his _brother_ had seen him… Glenn would’ve have pointed and laughed. And damn right he would’ve been.

A smirk tugs at Felix’s mouth. This is the first time in ages he didn’t think of Glenn with this sickening feeling spreading in his stomach, and he hopes this is a good sign and not his way of speaking ill of the dead. Again. The way his streak is going, by now Felix has certainly been cursed from the beyond by his whole family.

But enough of that. There’s other reasons to feel disgusted at himself, like his lack of anything resembling fitness. Felix crawls into the shower and back out, contemplating a revolting protein shake recipe he read about on Sylvain’s running website. Bananas and peanut butter are already too sweat on their own respectively, and the combination will almost certainly make Felix exert himself with his ensuing mad dash to the toilet to puke his guts out. He’ll still try the shit first, though. He’s a fighter.

The shake tastes not quite as intolerable as expected with enough protein powder for two people and chased with two generous servings of coffee, but it still sucks. And there’s still so much peanut butter left after his one shake… Felix’s foreseeable future appears joyless and dim.

That is, if he lets it. But if the last days have shown him anything, it’s that taking a chance might be worth it after all. He should be the one behind the wheel, steering his life and its course instead of his past experiences, his problems, his fears. Instead of keeping his eyes trained on what has been, he should snap his head around and look forward for a change. And he is. And it feels good to finally hand himself the keys like a jailer to his prisoner.

Still, Felix is bored. He doesn’t want to strain his weak body anymore today, and neither does he want to sit in front of the computer replying to emails and designing charts and presentations. His eyes move onward. He could clean his condo again. It’s not exactly untidy, but the windows look like birds use them for horizontal shitting target practice, and it’s warm enough out today that Felix won’t risk a second scab of frostbite adorning his fingers. Probably.

He’s already humming when he plugs in his earphones.

* * *

Saturdays objectively have the best documentaries on. There’s always interesting topics, and Felix has been a sucker for Ancient Rome (just not their lavatories) since middle school. Slumping against the backrest of his sofa, a blanket draped over him with Cat sprawling on his tummy, Felix nibbles on a protein bar that tastes almost as wonderful as his shake did. His free hand searches for his neglected phone on the table.

Sylvain has finally reemerged from whatever he was doing the whole day.

**Sylvain:** Ahhh thank u for the pix!

**Sylvain:** And is this cats nose i spy? Sniffing on the tea?

**Felix:** She photobombed every picture I took

**Sylvain:** Tell her i love her unconditionally

Felix’s eyes slide over to Cat. She looks back, blinks lazily, yawns, and goes to sleep.

**Felix:** No.

**Sylvain:** Meanie :(

**Sylvain:** I suspect u dont know ur way around women

**Felix:** And I suspect I do more so than you

**Sylvain:** Dude ur as bad as lex

**Felix:** Your dog tells you you’re disrespectful?

**Sylvain:** NO hes the disrespectful one!!!!

**Sylvain:** U see

**Sylvain:** Cat taking in all the good smells of the tea… beautiful. Charming. Delightful

**Sylvain:** Lex pushing his nose between my friends legs bc theyre on their periods? Disgusting. Vulgar. Offensive

**Felix:** I did not ask for this mental image

**Felix:** And how does this make me disrespectful?

**Sylvain:** I just mean. Ur both bad for my image but in different ways

**Sylvain:** Ur the serious and no nonsense man to contrast with me and lex is the one who knows no boundaries but always hangs around me. Lex reflects badly on me

**Felix:** Should have trained him better

**Sylvain:** In my defense ingrid helped a lot

**Sylvain:** I dont want to know what kinda player lex wouldve turned out to be otherwise

**Felix:** Qualis dominus talis et servus

**Sylvain:** What

**Sylvain:** Wait is this latin

**Sylvain:** ?

**Felix:** It’s a proverb I think?

**Felix:** It means the man, or in your case, the dog, behaves like his master

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** So ur flambeing me in latin now

**Felix:** I took it as an elective back in school

**Sylvain:** I took french bc of my name lol

**Felix:** Ok

**Felix:** I picked Latin because I thought gladiators were cool

**Sylvain:** Awww thats adorable

**Felix:** I will kick your ass

**Sylvain:** If you can even reach it shorty :)

Felix takes a deep breath. There are two other chats he can join, and he knows just who he can ask for taking revenge. Felix taps on Caspar’s name and looks at the waving smiley he got back to his greeting.

**Felix:** I have a question. Have you ever been called a “shorty”?

Felix finishes his protein bar and chases it with one of Sylvain’s tea blends. Okay. Earl Grey isn’t exactly Felix’s thing but he’s positive he can finish the tea jar he bought on his own.

**Caspar:** 1 too many times

**Caspar:** Don’t tell me you are a victim too??? You’ve never been short

**Felix:** I am

**Caspar:** What!!!!

**Caspar:** I’ll personally kick that dumbass in the shins and bust their kneecaps!!!!!!!!!!!

**Felix:** Thanks, that’s all I needed

**Caspar:** Uh what???

**Caspar:** What’s going on?????

**Caspar:** And don’t forget our group chat!! You STILL HAVE TO REPLY

Felix closes the chat and reopens Sylvain’s.

**Felix:** Then I will bust your kneecaps, dipshit

**Sylvain:** Ill let u deal with my hospital bill then, asshat

**Felix:** Bastard

**Sylvain:** Titbag

**Felix:** Bitchboy

**Sylvain:** Lmao more like bitchzilla

**Felix:** Fucklord

**Sylvain:** Cumstain

**Felix:** Manwhore

**Sylvain:** Thundercunt

**Felix:** What does that even mean?

**Sylvain:** It means you :o

Felix rolls his eyes. Yet he smiles at the stupid banter. For some reason this feels good.

**Felix:** I finished listening to all your songs today

**Sylvain:** OH

**Sylvain:** What do u think?

**Sylvain:** And which ones ur favorite????

**Felix:** It’s hard to say

**Felix:** I don’t know which singular one I like most

**Felix:** But I can listen to all these songs for more than once which isn’t something I can’t say of what’s on the radio nowadays

**Sylvain:** Thank you!!!

**Felix:** I least liked the two very electronic ones. The bass line hurts my brain

**Sylvain:** But u can still take them for seconds and thirds?

**Felix:** That’s what I just said

**Sylvain:** Then i am very satisfied

**Sylvain:** But dont hurt ur brain too much

**Felix:** I’ll try

**Felix:** So how was your day?

**Sylvain:** Getting up early is so not my thing

**Sylvain:** My body was up but my brain didnt register anything for hours

**Felix:** Grow up

**Sylvain:** Thanks man. You always know what to say to make me feel better

**Felix:** You’re welcome

**Sylvain:** Anyway my friend moved today and i volunteered to help

**Felix:** You said so

**Sylvain:** Right

**Sylvain:** Anyway its not like shes gonna move again tomorrow or in a week or in a month or hopefully in a long while

**Sylvain:** She has so much stuff!!!

**Sylvain:** I swear i transported 20 boxes worth of clothes alone

**Felix:** Who moves in the middle of the month?

**Sylvain:** She bought this loft and decided theres no time like tomorrow

**Sylvain:** Or, well, today

**Sylvain:** But we managed to do it all in one day

**Sylvain:** She doesnt “need” my help decorating

**Sylvain:** Not since the one time i fucked up her kitchen sink so badly when i tried to fix it that half her kitchen flooded

**Felix:** So you’re not Mr. Perfect after all

**Sylvain:** Lmao dont get me started

**Sylvain:** Im not sure i even have any redeeming qualities

**Felix:** Same

**Felix:** Yet still we’re talking

**Sylvain:** So it cant be all bad huh

**Felix:** Yep

**Sylvain:** Like i said. Wed make a great team

Not knowing what to reply to this, Felix checks out the movie night group chat.

**Caspar:** What about Sylvester tho?? Your not allergic are you?

**Linhardt:** *You’re

**Caspar:** Shut up noone cares

**Linhardt:** *No one

To this, Caspar replied with an animated smiley (these abominations apparently exist) repeatedly rolling its ugly, swollen eyes.

There’s a break of several hours, then he texted again.

**Caspar:** Aaand anyway when will we have our movie night??

**Ashe Ubert:** A Friday or Saturday would be best for me. I’ll have to get up early for work

**Caspar:** Right. It’s prolly the same for Felix

**Linhardt:** I agree everyone should get enough sleep

**Caspar:** How about the 30th?

**Ashe Ubert:** In a week? Let me check…

**Ashe Ubert:** It’s fine with me

**Linhardt:** I guess I’ll be home too then

**Caspar:** As if you ever go out partying with us!!!

**Linhardt:** I’m not fond of the time you threw up on me

**Caspar:** That happened ONCE

**Linhardt:** Because afterwards I stopped going with you

Caspar sends his previous smiley again. No one seems to have wanted to reply to him because this time everyone abandoned the chat. Well, time to break the bad news to them.

**Felix:** I don’t have time on the 30th

**Felix:** I’m free the week after though

**Caspar:** BUMMer

**Caspar:** I was already getting pumped

This time Caspar posts a smiley crying unfathomable amounts of tears. Felix hopes it drowns in them.

**Caspar:** So who else is free on the 5th?

**Linhardt:** You mean the 6th

**Ashe Ubert:** Let me check… I’m free

**Ashe Ubert:** I really need to pick up my social life

**Caspar:** Let’s just go party the 30th and have the movie night on the 5th then!

**Linhardt:** The SIXTH OF FEBRUARY

**Felix:** February 6 please

**Caspar:** Sylvester is ok?

**Felix:** Yes

**Caspar:** Perfect!! Now we’re only missing the movie

**Caspar:** Any recs / wishes?

**Linhardt:** No blood please

**Ashe Ubert:** So anything involving action is out?

**Linhardt:** If it involves blood

**Caspar:** Or else he’s gonna throw up on ME this time!!!

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh all right

**Ashe Ubert:** How about a cartoon movie then? Or is cartoon blood out too?

**Caspar:** Oh man I haven’t watched SHREK IN FOREVER

**Linhardt:** Please not Shrek Forever. That one sucked

**Caspar:** No we’ll only watch the two first ones

**Ashe Ubert:** Sounds fun!

**Linhardt:** The third wasn’t so great either. I hate that they let the frog die. He was delightful

**Linhardt:** If it’s only the first two ones I’m in

**Caspar:** Even with the scene in which Fiona pulls the arrow out of Shrek’s ass and Donkey faints bc he sees blood???

**Linhardt:** It’s cgi. And I don’t remember any blood. He just says it’s there

**Caspar:** Well, all right. Felix?

Felix can’t say he’s especially pumped about… this. Isn’t it all fairy tale bullshit? He’d rather watch some martial arts. Oh well… This isn’t about him getting everything he wants, this is about him mending. And perhaps he can have his pick next time.

**Felix:** Fine

**Caspar:** PERFECT that’s settled then!!!!!

**Caspar:** Now I only need to learn all the songs in time for the movie night so I can sing along

**Linhardt:** I’m out

**Ashe Ubert:** I can send you the soundtracks

**Caspar:** NO LIN

**Caspar:** Yes to Ashe

**Linhardt:** I don’t ever want to hear you perform ‘Holding out for a hero’ ever again

Great. Fuck. Now Annette Dominic’s rendition of the song is bouncing through Felix’s head. He exits the chat and keeps ignoring Sylvain’s text alerts flashing over his screen as he indulges in Dominic’s version one more time to flush it out of his memory.

The pathetic attempt fails hilariously. Felix will be stuck with her cover for the rest of the weekend.

**Sylvain:** Cmon!! U cant keep denying it

**Sylvain:** All right ur ignoring me

**Sylvain:** U really dont like when i say that huh

**Sylvain:** Uhm anyway i wanted to tell u that i was just joking and i at the very least know why i keep texting u

**Sylvain:** Meaning u do have redeeming qualities

**Sylvain:** Ur honest. And while ur not very forward i think i can spot ur compliments hidden in-between ur disapproval

**Sylvain:** Ok i dont want this to get awkward

**Sylvain:** Dont feel like u have to make me feel better

**Sylvain:** Im good at distracting myself from my countless shortcomings :)

**Sylvain:** Anyway

**Sylvain:** Gonna hit the hay now

**Sylvain:** Today drained me lol sorry

**Sylvain:** Sleep well!

With no other reason to stay up himself, Felix gets ready for bed. He’s already lying in the dark when he decides to send one final message to Sylvain.

**Felix:** Sleep well too

* * *

It’s lighter than usual around him when Felix wakes up, although no rays of light stream into his bedroom. He turns around onto his belly, tangling himself even more in his blanket, and pushes up on his hands to look out of his window.

Overnight, the world has been coated in a layer of snow, its brilliance reflecting the sparse sunlight spilling through the clouds overhead. Felix groans at the sight. Now he can’t use his new running shoes. What’s more, if the snow keeps up, traffic will be in shambles tomorrow, as if Fhirdiad has never seen snow in its pitifully short 1,200 years of existence. Each and every time it snows it comes as a surprise. Perhaps everyone here is like Felix and never checks the damn weather forecast.

He sinks back down into his sheets and closes his eyes. The pressure on his bladder makes sure another round of sleep isn’t in store for him right now, but leaving the warmth of his bed for the cold toilet seat sucks just as much.

It’s a mental effort to fight himself out of his blanket and into a set clothes. It’s an even bigger one to slip into a coat and boots, grab a broom and step out onto his balcony. The stupid wind always blows snow onto it.

There’s a yell from down below when Felix sweeps the balcony clear of snow. Oops. He quickly steps back inside and slides the door shut. Cat licks at the snow he carried with him on his boots before he can scoop it up. A shudder goes through Felix at the sight. How can she crave something cold now? Shaking his head, he heeds his coffee maker’s call.

A certain someone has a completely different idea about snow, Felix finds out as he checks his phone over a breakfast tasting so terrible he should’ve skipped it.

**Sylvain:** Thank u!!!

**Sylvain:** IT SNOWED TONIGHT

**Sylvain:** A present from the heavens

**Sylvain:** U know what that means

After a break of not even ten minutes, Sylvain elaborates.

**Sylvain:** I made a snow angel!!!

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** Ignore the yellow patch by the side. Lex got excited too

**Sylvain:** My boy loves snow

**Sylvain:** Cant fault him

**Sylvain:** Were back outside now

**Sylvain:** Gotta build a snowman

**Sylvain:** Or woman ;)

He hasn’t sent any more pictures so Felix guesses he’s still at it.

**Felix:** How old are you again?

Felix cleans his table and with that, he has no fucking clue what to do with his life anymore. He could crawl back into bed, but since he can’t even properly go to sleep at night, he doubts it’ll have much of an effect on him. Eyeing his phone, Felix guesses he can indulge in the group chat again. Eh. No. There must be something else to do.

In his living room, Felix spots his computer. While killing his time with work sounds appealing, Felix won’t let himself be seduced by his fucking mail inbox. Still, he opens the damn laptop and makes himself comfortable on his sofa. With no plan of what to do now, Felix aimlessly browses Wikipedia and learns all about amusement park accidents and, afterwards and just for fun, radioactive contamination like the absolute party pooper he is.

He’s gonna bomb so badly at the movie night. Good thing he can crash beforehand while trying to organize this whole video ad bullshit business and dig his own grave at dinner with Blaiddyd.

Felix decides he needs a drink to salvage himself from his continued boredom and shitty thoughts. He wants this to stop. Stop being a wreck, stop acting like one, stop his falling back into bad habits and routines and rituals. And yet, beer in hand, Felix hobbles outside in less protective clothing than he wore this morning to suckle at a cigarette. The scab on his finger still hurts despite his efforts to ignore it. Everything sucks. He thought he was finally doing better what with all the appointments he made, but now that he only has _this_ to occupy himself with, his attempt at optimism turns out to be yet another delusion.

Washing out his lungs with a sharp intake of cold air, Felix steps back inside, the cigarette butt a murder victim smeared with his heel onto his balcony’s floor. The memory of how alive he used to feel whenever he pressed the still scorching end of a smoked-down cigarette into the skin of his arms makes Felix want to puke. And at the same time to try it out again. Just one more time, to find out if he’s even faking his memories now.

All right. The bed wasn’t such bad idea after all, Felix decides as he waits for the water to heat up for his shower. His tears mingle with it as soon as he steps inside, and they wet his pillow along with his hair.

* * *

Felix’s hair is still damp in his neck when he wakes up again. The rest of it probably looks like he should run a straightener he doesn’t even own through it, and Felix confirms his suspicion in the bathroom mirror. He looks like an extra straight out of some B-grade horror flick.

First he fixes himself as best he can, then he also fixes himself a dinner. He feels like he’s starving, and Felix hopes this is a good sign. If his mental health takes a dive like this one more fucking time, he swears he’ll just slash his wrists open lengthwise the next time he reaches for the razor.

Still shuddering with the aftershock of his breakdown, Felix slowly pushes his fork between his teeth again and again and again until his plate’s cleared. He doesn’t know if he has the energy to cook another meal if this one doesn’t stay down, and he will not find out the hard way. Part of him is thinking he should have just pulled a Sylvain last night—gotten high and drunk and _laid_ by a nondescript man or woman or whatever, and deal with the hangover and the hole in his memory instead of romanticizing death. As if the other option wouldn’t be just as self-destructive.

Should he take a fragment of consolation, then, in Sylvain apparently not doing much better? Or is Felix just projecting and seeing the worst?

He can’t tell. Loathe as he is to admit it, he isn’t as smart as he pretends to be.

Felix shakes his head as if this would make his bad thoughts dislodge from his brain and tumble out his ears. A freshly brewed tea and his phone in hand, he drags himself to his new favorite place on the sofa. Cat is already claiming it for herself so Felix gets to pull in the ass he doesn’t possess and squeeze in between her and the armrest.

Felix’s guess that Sylvain would be back since it’s already dark out proves correct.

**Sylvain:** Idk why ur always so stuck up! I can go out and play in the snow if i want to

**Sylvain:** I mean isnt the whole point of being an adult to be able to do what i want whenever i do?

Well. He isn’t wrong, Felix silently admits to himself. There’s a break of about half an hour before Sylvain texted again.

**Sylvain:** So i might have an eye for fine arts

**Sylvain:** This is not it

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** Behold! I’ve brought you a man!

The picture shows something vaguely resembling a snowman against a snowy backdrop, tracks in it revealing mud and blades of grass underneath. The snowman thing only has one arm and a cucumber for a nose. And very, very badly shaped snow tits. Felix is glad Sylvain didn’t become a plastic surgeon.

**Felix:** Is this your snow… whatever?

**Felix:** And did you quote Socrates?

The dots indicating Sylvain typing appear after not even a full minute.

**Sylvain:** Diogenes, but yes, it’s the chicken thing

**Sylvain:** Anyway this is not even supposed to be a man! It’s a snow *woman*, like i said i would try my hand at

**Felix:** This is insulting

**Sylvain:** ?

**Felix:** I doubt all your stories now. You have apparently never seen a woman’s chest in your life

**Sylvain:** I have!

**Felix:** The tits on this thing don’t even align horizontally

**Felix:** And the left one is larger and more misshapen than the right one

**Sylvain:** -___-

**Felix:** Apart from that, tits don’t stick out this way unless someone had surgery

**Sylvain:** Are you done criticizing me?

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** Why does “she” only have one arm though?

**Sylvain:** Bc lex ate the other

**Felix:** He eats sticks?

**Sylvain:** Unfortunately

**Sylvain:** I always have to watch him or he puts something stupid in his mouth

**Sylvain:** He jumps up the apple tree in my backyard to get at the apples. Even when theyre not even ripe yet or obviously house a worm

**Sylvain:** Whenever i let him run around in the woods (when im walking him so im usually close by) im afraid hell eat something some asshole spiked with rat poison

**Felix:** And you still let him off the leash?

**Sylvain:** Look at him! He needs to stretch his legs too

**Sylvain:** Im a slow-ass human

**Sylvain:** Also he listens when i call for him

**Felix:** Just listens or actually comes back to you?

**Felix:** Also you have a backyard?

**Sylvain:** He comes back. I may have found a treat in my pocket that actually tastes good ;)

**Sylvain:** Yeah i do! I have a couple trees which is pretty much all i manage to grow and harvest. Everything else just withers and dies so its either me or stupid faerghus climate

**Sylvain:** But i guess its me

**Sylvain:** I cant even keep a house plant alive

**Felix:** I have this rubber plant

**Felix:** So far Cat’s left it alone. I water it once a week. It’s not hard

**Sylvain:** Dude who even *has* rubber plants

**Sylvain:** Ur such a big city kid

**Felix:** Well yeah. I don’t have a backyard or anything

**Sylvain:** I figured or u wouldntve been surprised?? If thats what it was

**Sylvain:** So u *do* live in the city huh

**Sylvain:** Arianrhod?

**Felix:** Fhirdiad

**Sylvain:** OH

**Sylvain:** :OOO

**Felix:** What is it this time

**Sylvain:** Id literally convinced myself u were living on the other end of the country lmao

**Sylvain:** Fhirdiad is only a little over an hour by car from here

**Felix:** Where do you live?

**Sylvain:** In itha in the middle of the woods. I come form the north-ass end of faerghus and moved south in search of the sun

**Sylvain:** *from

**Sylvain:** Those 50 km didnt cut it tho lol

**Sylvain:** Itd be too forward to suggest i come over sometime is it

**Felix:** Don’t

**Sylvain:** All right

**Felix:** Can I just ask how you have so much energy?

**Sylvain:** What do u mean?

Apart from a rudimentary sweep through his condo, cleaning the windows, and sweeping the balcony, Felix didn’t get anything done this weekend. And Sylvain? Builds fucking snow ‘women’ on top of his housework. Probably went for a hike with his dog while he was at it.

**Felix:** Like for playing in the snow

**Sylvain:** Honestly? This is gonna sound so stupid

**Sylvain:** But uh since i started to stay abstinent from alcohol (mostly) and my sexcapades

**Sylvain:** I just have a looot of spare energy

**Sylvain:** Especially in my usually groggy mornings after

**Sylvain:** So when i saw it had snowed overnight i got this rush of adrenaline or whatever it was

**Sylvain:** I was so excited i couldn’t stay in a second longer if i tried

**Felix:** Oh ok

**Sylvain:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Oh and i listened in to the channel u sent me

**Sylvain:** U remember? For ur companys music ad?

Right. He got even this done.

**Felix:** Oh yeah. You said you wanted to

**Felix:** What do you think?

**Sylvain:** This annette is definitely catchy

**Sylvain:** Like she knows how to be contagious and make u want to sing along

**Sylvain:** Perhaps shes even taken singing lessons

**Sylvain:** Id have to ask doro. Shed be able to tell

**Sylvain:** (She does voice coaching and shit. Maybe she can even teach u)

**Felix:** Not interested

**Sylvain:** Ur loss

**Sylvain:** Anyway. That said its obvious annette doesnt use professional equipment

**Sylvain:** U could definitely squeeze more out of her

**Sylvain:** I think that if u pick a catchy tune or come up with one urself this can turn out to be really amazing

**Felix:** Thank you

**Sylvain:** Dont mention it!

**Felix:** I won’t

**Sylvain:** :)))))))

**Felix:** Did this Doro coach you too?

**Sylvain:** :))))))))))))

**Felix:** Is she the one who moved?

**Sylvain:** Yes she is

**Sylvain:** My voice isnt the greatest but i can carry a tune if ur really interested

**Felix:** Not really

**Felix:** And don’t go thinking I want to hear you sing

**Sylvain:** I wont i wont

**Sylvain:** So anyway did u have a great weekend?

**Felix:** It sucked

**Felix:** Before you ask: I can’t and don’t want to talk about it

**Sylvain:** R u sure u dont want to tell someone?

**Sylvain:** It doesnt have to be me

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** I don’t know anymore

**Felix:** I guess I’ll talk with my boss next week

**Sylvain:** Its the “something happened” issue?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Not to be prying my nose where it dont belong but ur sure ur not suffering from ptsd or depression or idk

**Sylvain:** U really give the impression u suffer from *some* thing

**Felix:** Sylvain. I don’t know

**Felix:** And please stop it

**Felix:** I’m feeling worse by the second

**Sylvain:** Fuck

**Sylvain:** Sorry

**Sylvain:** Like. Really. I apologize. This isnt what i want

**Felix:** It’s fine

**Felix:** I’m used to the shitshow

**Sylvain:** :(

**Sylvain:** Hug?

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Ok then please just know that i care about u and im worried and i do hope that ull feel better after the talk with ur boss

**Sylvain:** And like i said ill stay home that day and

**Felix:** Sylvain

**Sylvain:** Just in case im setting u on emergency call right now so my phone will go off whenever u call. Even if its just to get me to text with u

**Felix:** Stop it

**Sylvain:** No

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** No. Somethings wrong and while i wont be able to fix u, i can be there for u if u need someone

**Felix:** I don’t want a fucking babysitter

**Sylvain:** Thats not what im offering

**Felix:** I’m muting you

**Sylvain:** Fine. But u know, ive gone thru some bad shit. My whole childhood was fucked up. And idk where i would be now if i hadnt had a friend to talk to abt everything

**Sylvain:** And i see that now its my turn. U need a friend too

**Felix:** Don’t make it sound like this is fate

Felix wipes at his wet cheeks. His hands are trembling and cold. He hates this. He hates feeling weak and being pitied by Sylvain. He hates how his emotions are on a rollercoaster and going up and down and through the motions like a fucking sine curve. He hates how he let his tea become cold and taste only bitter, but not in a good way. He hates how he stands in the cold and smokes and craves something harder. He hates how he’s ill and neither finding the motivation nor the energy to do more about it than his backfiring attempts at normalcy. He hates how he’s made Cat his only reason for living and going on, because without him, she’d starve, and he can’t have that on his conscience.

Back inside, Felix gets ready for bed in record time. He checks if his alarm is set and sees a last message on his lock screen.

**Sylvain:** Its not. Im just sick of seeing u hurt

Felix turns off his phone and only remembers in bed that he forgot to mute Sylvain. Here’s to hoping Sylvain won’t dope himself with something and keep texting him into the morning hours. Felix doesn’t want that on his conscience either.


	10. Day 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for over 100 subs, you absolute madmen!

Felix spins on his office chair, first a few centimeters to the left, then to the right, rinse and repeat. He’s waiting for Ashe Ubert to knock on his office’s door so they can get their preparations for the music slash video ad business out of the way before Annette Dominic arrives as well.

The weak Blue Lions coffee tastes staler than ever. Felix considers the pack of chewing gum he placed in the middle of his desk like a cookie jar, mouth watering for the pack of cigs shoved down his ass pocket instead. Maybe he’ll have enough time still to sneak down and poison himself once more—

There it is. The knock. “Come in,” Felix says and shakes a gum out of the pack on his desk.

The door creaks open and Ashe Ubert steps inside. “Hey,” he says, smiling, closing the door behind him. Headphones hug his neck along with the hood of a sweat jacket. “Sorry if I’m late. I _know_ I’ve been in your office before but I forgot where it was and finding my way around is still hard.” He takes one of the two seats across from Felix, the sheepish smile still on his face. Saints. He looks so goddamn _young_.

“You’re not late. Don’t worry about it.” Felix pops the gum into his mouth and starts chewing methodically. “I’m trying to get out of the habit of using everyone’s last names, so if it’s all right with you, I’ll just call you Ashe.”

“Please!” Ashe’s posture relaxes visibly, shoulders sinking by at least three centimeters. “I wasn’t prepared for seeing you of all people in Caspar’s movie night group. I just didn’t know how to deal with it. I still don’t.”

“Neither do I.”

“I suppose it’s all right then if I just call you Felix?”

“Yes.”

“Do you, uh,” Ashe fidgets with the drawstrings of his jacket, “would you like to have lunch with me in the dining hall later? I think it’d be great if we could get to know each other a little better before, you know.”

“I never had lunch here.” Felix slides his mug across his desk to make Ashe look at it. “The coffee here should be dubbed ‘the black death’.”

Ashe laughs. “It really should be! But the food’s not so bad. It’s actually rather good.” He twirls a strand of hair around a finger and pushes it behind his ear. “My birth parents owned a restaurant. I often helped in the kitchen so I hope I know what I’m talking about.” At Felix’s frown, Ashe adds, “Dedue will also be there.”

“Dedue?”

“The big one who always hangs around Mr. Blaiddyd? Kind of imposing and scary looking?” Oh. Molinaro. “He’s so nice!”

So they really dumped Ashe on him. “Oh, right. I wouldn’t know, sorry. I don’t… mingle much.”

“Maybe you won’t find a little mingling so awful after all.” Ashe is still smiling. It must come easily to him, a perpetual upwards quirk of the lips his standard expression and not the resting bitch face Felix has to deal with. “All I mean is, I would be really happy to properly get to know you before we end up at Caspar’s next week.”

“I feel the same.” Felix suppresses a sigh. He doesn’t want to show weakness in front of this baby-faced newcomer. “I’ll be there.”

Ashe grins. “We’ll save you a seat!”

Felix nods. Back to business. “You’ve been briefed on the whole video ad thing?”

“Yes! I also listened in to Annette’s channel. She’s really good! I can see why she caught Mr. Blaiddyd’s interest.”

This is certainly not how Felix would have phrased it. And Ashe’s implication Blaiddyd browses Youtube for fun and to listen to young women sing 60s to early 00s pop songs makes Felix swallow a hint of a laugh. Maybe he’ll come to like Ashe after all. “He can get a little… overexcited at times. It’s up to us to make or break the whole thing, and I’d much prefer the former.”

“I’m sure nothing can go wrong with you on the team.”

“I hope so.” Felix reaches for his drawer and takes out the folder he prepared over the last three days. “You won’t be able to go over this all right now.”

“What is this?”

“I watched ads from big companies—Apple, IKEA, Mercedes-Benz, you name them—and,” Felix opens the folder and leafs through it until he finds the massive chart spanning several pages, “this is how they incorporated music tracks. I also listed if the songs were originals the ad makers bought the rights to, covers, or produced with the specific brand or product for the advertisement in mind. Another thing that might be of interest to us is how the ads work with voice-overs—placement, content, voice color.”

Ashe’s eyes follow the movements of Felix’s hands and fix on the chart. Looking up, he asks, “May I?”

“Go ahead.”

Ashe slides the folder closer to him and leans over it to read through the chart, slowly turning the pages until he reaches the end. He’s thorough. Good. Not fast enough yet, but he’ll get there. “How long did this take you?” he asks, leaning back in his chair and redirecting his gaze towards Felix.

“The last three days.” With overtime. Which Felix won’t be able to use to take the day off tomorrow—he’s no Sylvain—because stupid spreadsheets are waiting for him and he needs those finished in time for the meeting on Tuesday.

“Wow. I’m… I mean I knew you were good at your job, but I’m honestly impressed. I wouldn’t mind being coached by you.”

“We’ll see about that.” By which Felix means, _Keep dreaming._ “Anyway, I’ll give you a copy of this folder later today. I want you to draw actual conclusions from this data, together with the notes we’ll take when we speak with Annette Dominic in,” Felix checks the time on his computer, “twenty-four minutes. Her opinion about this is important, too. While it may not look like it, she knows how to market herself.”

“Ah. So she’ll also know how to market our eventual ad?”

Felix shrugs. “Regular views in the hundred thousands with a like to dislike ratio of about a hundred to one don’t lie.”

“Well, there’s ways to hack the system so to speak, to trick the algorithms and influence how many people will get your videos recommended. You can even buy views and likes if you want to.”

“Why would she?”

Ashe shrugs with one shoulder. “To score a gig like this?”

“She can’t have counted on it. Her channel also links to accounts on Twitter and Instagram but it was either check them or get this,” Felix taps the folder, “done. Feel free to go over them, but I think it’s more fruitful to talk to our staff at marketing. We should at the very least air the ad on national TV.”

“Why isn’t anyone from them here?”

“Beats me. The way I understand Blaiddyd, I was asked to hire Dominic, draw up a contract with her, have her sign it, and oversee the general production process.” Felix counts off his points on his fingers.

Ashe gives him a knowing smile, eyes twinkling. “You don’t want to do this.”

Felix smiles back, strained and rueful. “Damn right I don’t.”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind being tasked with a big, important project early on. But…”

“One, you don’t know how Blue Lions runs well enough for that yet.” Ashe nods. “This is why I asked for you to assist me. Get to know the ropes, get something good for the company CV, get me partly off the hook of this. And two, you’re still in trial. Probably underpaid.”

“You won’t put in a nice word for me with the higher-ups?”

“I will, don’t worry. And don’t be afraid to ask for a better wage after the trial period is over. I can assure you we have the money.”

Ashe’s eyes light up. “So you’re going to hire me?”

“My word is good enough for that. Do a good job with this,” again, Felix taps the folder, “and I’ll make sure of it personally.”

“I will.” Hook, line, and sinker. Only today, perhaps one additional day later, and Felix won’t have to shoulder the whole stupid video ad business anymore. He’ll just roll everything he can off onto Ashe despite his earlier words. And give him a pay raise after all this is over and done with.

Felix puts away the folder and slides his cold coffee and a ten towards Ashe. “Get me a new one and something for yourself.”

“You sure you want to keep drinking ‘the black death’?”

“It’s still better than our tap water.”

Ashe snorts. “If you say so.” He leaves with the mug and the bill in hand. Felix watches him go. When his office door clicks shut, he swallows his gum, making a face.

* * *

Another knock comes from his door after the better part of ten minutes have passed. Felix was already wondering what the hell was taking Ashe so long when the door swings open and the answer steps inside: It’s not just Ashe, no, Annette Dominic is with him. She’s small, only coming up to Ashe’s shoulders. Which means she only reaches Felix’s shoulders as well. Good.

Felix scrambles to sit up straight in his office chair, sweeping the pack of chewing gum aside. “Hello,” he says. “I didn’t expect you so early.”

“Hey.” Dominic flashes a brilliant smile at Felix. “I got up extra early in case anything happened on the way! I can be a klutz, you know. Especially on important dates.”

“I see.” She makes it sound like it’s more than only the three minutes she’s early. “Take a seat.”

Ashe sits down on the same seat as before. He places two steaming mugs—one coffee, one tea—and a small basket of treats he can take away with him again once this is over on Felix’s desk. “I ran into her in the lobby and thought I’ll just take her with me. If that’s all right.”

“It is. Stop worrying so much.” Felix takes his mug and sips at the watery mess inside while giving Dominic a once-over. Sure, he’s seen her in 720p on his laptop screen, but, truth be told, the image doesn’t do the woman justice sitting in front of him and contemplating the office with lips quirked upwards in an easy smile reminiscent of Ashe’s. She notices after a moment and Felix does his best to hide behind his coffee and pretend he was busy looking at his computer and getting ready for this damned thing. Truth be told, Felix doesn’t even know how to start.

“You look different in person,” Dominic breaks the silence.

Déjà vu. “I had the website picture changed in the meantime. I realized it was rather,” _ugly, vile, appalling_ , “old.”

“Yeah.” Felix suppresses the urge to roll his eyes. Thanks a lot. “I brought cookies. Baked them myself!” Dominic gestures to the basket with treats. “Feel free to eat some.”

Felix doesn’t want to disappoint a second time, so he reaches out and selects the one Dominic hopefully saved the most amount of sugar on. “Thanks.” He nibbles on his cookie out of courtesy. It goes perfectly with the Blue Lions coffee. Ugh.

“They look delicious!” Ashe says, taking one as well. Dominic breaks out into a smile. Good thing Felix has Ashe here to save his neck.

“I wanted to use the time together for some early brainstorming before I draw up a contract with you, Miss Dominic,” Felix says.

“Won’t your boss join us?” she asks. “The way I understand it, it was his idea.”

“I’m his manager. He personally told me he trusts me with this.” Felix gestures to Ashe. “And we have Mr. Ubert here to help us.” Ashe smiles as if on cue. “One important question first: Would you personally like to star in the ad or just provide the song?”

Dominic claps her hands together. “Oh, of course I’d love to be on film!”

“Good. Mr. Ubert and I were talking earlier today about self-marketing. What do you think makes a successful video, Miss Dominic?”

Felix is glad to be able to take his eyes off her in order to take notes on his laptop. Retaining prolonged eye contact is hard, and harder so when the person you’re talking to is easy on the eyes. And may have made fun of your appearance earlier. Felix savors the flavor of cookie and coffee. They taste like the hell he finds himself stuck in.

“I can only tell you what I do.” Felix nods to signal Dominic to go on. “I started really small-like, only had a handful views. At the start it depends a lot on luck to gain a following, I think. Right place, right time. Once you have that following though, it’s easy. I have half a million subscribers and most of them watch my vids regularly. There’s word-of-mouth, of course, and you can’t influence that. But you can make sure the word spreads by maintaining accounts on other sites.”

“This is mostly what we talked about as well. How’s the revenue?”

Dominic laughs. “I can’t live off it, if that’s what you’re asking. I would have to upload way more and go professional. But, I don’t know, it’s great that I can make people happy with something I’d do regardless.”

“You realize this video ad we’re planning is going to be a cross-promotional gig? You’ll probably gain a lot of new followers.”

“Yep. Maybe get a few bucks more each month, but I don’t plan on giving up my day job for this.” Dominic laughs again. It’s a nice laugh, one that makes Felix almost want to smile. Almost. “I wouldn’t even know where to film! Just drive aimlessly around town?”

Ashe, who’s been silently listening, joins in the laugh as well. Good. Felix needs someone to take the edge off this stiff conversation. “Where do you work, incidentally?”

“I’m an elementary school teacher. Maths and, you guessed it, music.” Dominic reaches for another of her treats.

“Ah.” Felix tries for a smile he quickly kills with his coffee. “So while you claim not to be a professional, you do have received voice training.”

“Yes, at college. I only sang for fun beforehand but I’m glad I decided I’d, you know, not make a career out of it, but do what I like and hand it along to other people.” As Felix said before to Ashe, her views speak for themselves. “I realized I still had so much to learn at college! It helped to really develop my voice.”

“Do you write your own songs, too?” Ashe asks. He sounds genuinely interested, and Felix can’t help but lean forward a little. If there’s more in Dominic’s repertoire than mostly 70s and 80s pop music, he might want to add it to his songs collection consisting entirely of the ones Sylvain wrote.

“Oh, yes, but most of them are super silly!” Dominic chuckles. “They’re about chores, mainly. Cooking, doing laundry, cleaning rooms. Some of them are even like nursery rhymes to help children learn how the tie their shoes and the like.”

“Can you sing one of them?” Ashe is wearing one of his easy smiles. “I’m really interested.” His eyes lock with Felix’s long enough to rid himself of the fear his request might be too personal. At Felix’s court nod, Ashe stops fiddling with his drawstrings.

A blush rises to Dominic’s cheeks. “Oh, I’m not prepared for this, but I can try I guess.”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Felix says. “Although I have to admit I’d like to hear you sing in person before letting you sign any contract with us.”

“All right, all right!” Dominic gets up, chair creaking against the parquet flooring. “I need to warm up my voice first. Please don’t laugh. I know it’ll sound stupid.”

Felix raises an eyebrow, hiding whatever grimace his mouth wants to contort into with the rest of his coffee. Ashe is doing likewise with his tea. Dominic hums a few notes, then sings what might be a pentatonic scale upwards, then downwards, then upwards again. It’s more impressive than funny, and so are both volume and reliability of hitting the right notes with which she delivers a three stanza song about cleaning the fucking toilet. Felix can pinpoint the exact moment Dominic realizes herself what she’s singing about, as her blue eyes widen and her blush intensifies and spreads to the tips of her ears. Still, she keeps going, her voice not wavering nor weakening in the slightest.

Only when she is done does she sit down, mutter, “Sorry, this was embarrassing,” and stuff her face with the remainder of the cookies. She washes them away with a generous mouthful of water.

“The content—” Felix starts but Ashe speaks over him.

“What are you saying? It was amazing!”

Dominic is still blushing. “Thank you.” She dry-washes her face with her hands. “Oh, saints. I’m so sorry! I always end up making a fool out of myself.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Ashe says. “You can sing, and you’re creative, and that’s all that matters.” He looks over to Felix for confirmation.

Stifling a sigh, Felix says, “Those are two qualities we’re looking for, so I can’t complain.” He needs a smoke and chucks another piece of chewing gum out of the pack instead. “Miss Dominic, would you feel comfortable either writing a song for the ad or covering something more… contemporary?” he asks before popping the gum into his mouth.

“Yes, sure!” Dominic finishes the last sip her glass has to offer. Her blush is finally receding. “Do you already have anything in mind?”

“Nothing specific, and I’d have to check back with my boss,” Felix replies. “What I think is important is that the ad resonates with younger people, too. Not teens. People our age.” He waits for both Dominic and Ashe to nod. “What is also important is that it doesn’t end up cringe-worthy. I have and will continue to pour an exorbitant amount of time and nerves into this, as will the two of you, and I want to be able to feel pride at what we’ll have accomplished once the ad airs.”

“So do I,” Ashe agrees.

Dominic nods. “We’ll rock the boat!”

Felix allows a smile to lift up the corners of his mouth. “Good. I’d like to brainstorm with you now, and check back with my boss tomorrow. I’ll be open to suggestions until,” Felix’s eyes slide over to his calendar, “say Wednesday next week, then the thing’s closed. Mr. Ubert is going to draft the outline for the ad under my supervision, and I’d like you, Miss Dominic, to provide song suggestions, your own ones included.” When both have shown their assent, Felix continues, “We’ll also need to have a channel to stay in touch. Emails are fine with me as long as everyone gets every mail. A group chat program on the computer may also be an option, but I have to admit I’m not familiar with these… channels of communication.” And like hell is Felix going to have another group chat to terrorize him on his phone.

“Oh, I know some,” Ashe pipes up, even holding up a hand. “We’ll just have to make sure the connection is secure, but I can take care of that.”

Dominic raises both hands to her chest, palms turned outward. “I let you guys handle this or I’m gonna jinx it.”

“We should also trade phone numbers just in case. I’m not always in the office,” Felix says.

“I know it by heart,” Dominic says.

Felix pulls out his phone and lets her dictate her number to him before sending her a dummy text. “Ashe. Anything to add before we brainstorm?” he asks.

“No, I think we’re good to go.”

* * *

All things considered, Felix regards the meeting with Dominic a success. While she appeared at times to be a person more lucky than sensible, she showed she understands what makes her videos and her voice appealing to the masses and thereby successful. Still, Ashe’s presence during it all was a god-sent—and this coming from Felix, who wouldn’t call himself a believer despite Faerghus’s deep-rooted tradition of religion. Felix is in the process of developing a new sort of respect for Ashe’s easy-going nature contrasting with Felix’s own aloofness, rather than playing his usual cynic card and branding it naïveté.

The meeting took longer than planned, and hunger pangs torture Felix as he waits for his printer to spit out a copy of the data he compiled. He has to kick the ancient thing once to keep it from retiring in the middle of the printing process. After it’s done, Felix files the documents and makes a note on his calendar he wants his printer replaced ASAP to deal with this tomorrow. He’s gonna leave after his much-delayed ‘lunch’ he didn’t even plan.

Ashe sent him a message where to find him and Molinaro, although the presence of the latter would have made it easy enough to spot them even under normal circumstances. The dining hall is more or less deserted at four in the afternoon and Molinaro in particular sticks out like a sore thumb.

“Hey,” Ashe greets, waving Felix over as if he’s short-sighted and somehow missed them.

Molinaro smiles as well, and suddenly he doesn’t look intimidating at all anymore. “Hello, Felix. It’s nice of you to join us.”

“Hello,” Felix says, placing his tray with a steak with mashed potatoes and peas in front of him. The food looks reheated, and Felix hopes it doesn’t taste like it if it really turns out to be so. “It’s usually you two who work together, right?”

“Yes.” Molinaro gives a court nod. “I’m tasked with showing Ashe the ropes.”

“We found out we have a lot in common!” Ashe gestures with his fork, dripping his helping of mashed potatoes back onto his plate before he plugs it in his mouth.

“Yeah?” Felix doesn’t know much about Ashe, and Molinaro is still the mystery he always was to him. He tries the peas. They’re all right.

“Yes! We share a passion for cooking, although Dedue’s the better cook by far—”

“I didn’t learn the trade unlike you.”

Ashe looks over to Molinaro. “I didn’t really learn it. I just helped my parents out.”

“They were professionals, though. When I helped my parents, it only had to be good enough to feed us, not to earn a living.”

A blush creeps up Ashe’s neck. “Okay, okay, I get it. No belittling my abilities.”

“Exactly.” Molinaro smiles. “If Felix conducted your interview and thought you fit for trial, you must have made a competent impression.”

That isn’t quite true—to be absolutely honest, Felix didn’t really give a shit then. He does now that Ashe will join and help him with the video ad, and it’s only now that he shines. Or, how he said it back at the interview, that he proves himself. “I like what I’ve seen so far. Don’t start disappointing me.”

Ashe coughs and reaches for his bottled water. “No pressure, huh?” he asks, looking rather sheepish.

“Well, you’re still in trial.”

Molinaro half-shrugs and nods when Ashe looks to him. “Felix is right.”

“I know…” Ashe doesn’t look too happy when he resumes eating.

Cutting his steak, Felix tries to play over his blunder. It’s not like he wanted Ashe to feel bad, he only wanted to point something out to keep him from becoming overconfident. “You said you two had a lot in common…?”

“Gardening is something we both find calming,” Molinaro answers.

Ashe swallows down the generous amount of potato he filled his mouth with and chases it with a quick draught of water. “Yes. How about you?” he asks.

Heh. Smart move, trying to redirect attention from himself. “I only have a rubber plant. And occasionally cat grass.”

“Oh? You have a cat?”

“I do.”

Ashe grins. “Oh, that’s perfect! Caspar has one, too.”

“I heard the story. You two found him in the college dining hall and fed him.”

“Without telling each other about it. The cat got really fat. Eventually, Caspar took it home with him. He was more attached.”

“I see.”

“What’s your cat’s name? Do you have a picture?”

Not on his new phone. “No. Her name’s Cat.”

Molinaro chokes on the remainder of his steak. His face contorts and Felix is surprised at the split-second of concern he feels before he realizes Molinaro is trying not to laugh. Ashe likewise looks like a deer caught in the headlights. “Your cat’s name is Cat?” he asks, both eyebrows raised.

“Yes.” Felix clears his plate, reveling in the expressions Ashe and Molinaro are wearing. Now go in for the kill. “I think it fits her rather well.”

No one laughs. Well. All right. Good thing Felix didn’t become a clown.

It’s Molinaro who speaks up next, plate cleared, utensils carefully placed on top of it. “I didn’t know you had a funny side.” He tries for a smile but all Felix hears is an accusation. Of what, he doesn’t know. Perhaps his jokes aren’t appreciated in Molinaro’s presence. Okay then. It’s not like Felix is a funny person to begin with.

Ashe clears his throat. “By the way, I was wondering how come you know Caspar?”

“I used to go to the gym a few years back. Caspar and I know each other from back then.” Felix reaches for a water that isn’t there. His bottle is in his gym bag in his car, and getting himself one from across the dining hall seems like an idiot move right now. “I stopped going for a few years and then I thought I should pick up the slack again. And ran into Caspar.”

“It’s great he invited you to the movie night.” Ashe turns to Molinaro. “You could come, too.”

Molinaro smiles politely. “I’ll have to decline for now. Dimitri isn’t feeling too well at the moment and needs my assistance.”

“Is he sick?” Ashe sounds worried.

“He has his episodes.”

To Felix it sounds more like mental than physical problems. Perhaps the upcoming dinner is taking its toll on him, too. Felix tries not to think about it too much, especially not the part that may already cause Blaiddyd to lose his grip even further. _The incident_.

Felix is not in the mood to feel unwell. He eyes his own cleared plate, then both Ashe’s and Molinaro’s which are about picked as clean as his own is. “It’s late already,” Felix says and gets up. “I need to go.”

“Oh, all right.” Ashe joins him, and Molinaro walks directly behind them to get rid of their used trays. “It was good to talk to you.”

“It was,” Felix agrees.

“Maybe we could do this again sometime?”

“Yes, maybe.” Felix turns towards Ashe. “I still have the folder with the ad data for you in my office. Do you want to pick it up now or should I post it to Moli— Dedue’s office?”

“Oh, I can come with you now.”

Molinaro nods. “I’ll fix everything up in my office in the meantime.”

“Okay.” Ashe joins Felix on his trek up the steps. He forces himself to take them rather than the elevator to squeeze a tiny bit of extra exercise out of his day. If the past week was anything to go by, Felix should have never stopped going to the gym. “Do you know Caspar’s roommate as well? Linhardt?”

“I saw him once or twice, but that was years ago.”

“I don’t know him all that well, either,” Ashe says. “Although I wager still better than you. It doesn’t sound like the two of you ever talked with each other.”

“We never did.”

“He and Caspar have been best friends since forever! Their families were neighbors back when they were kids and they hung around even though their dads apparently hated each other.”

Felix snorts. “Sounds like Romeo and Juliet.” Or Pyramus and Thisbe, but Felix has the feeling Ashe won’t appreciate him nerding about Roman mythology.

Ashe has the audacity to roll his eyes at him. He doesn’t appreciate Shakespeare either. “They died. I mean, Romeo and Juliet.”

“I’m aware.” Felix unlocks his office. “The copy of the folder’s lying on my desk.” He lets Ashe step in first, then follows to wrap himself in his coat and an old beanie he found buried under his socks. His laptop disappears in its case.

“Thank you.”

“I included my notes from our discussion with Dominic. Tell me if you need anything more.”

“I will.”

“Good. Remember, results and draft on Wednesday. I want the group chat ready to go tomorrow afternoon at the latest.”

“Sure.”

Felix ushers Ashe out of his office and locks the door behind him. “Have a nice day, Ashe.”

“Thank you, you too. See you tomorrow.” Ashe smiles.

Felix smiles back. “Yes.”

Time to hit the gym.

* * *

Felix didn’t run into Caspar in the gym. He doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or no. What _is_ good, though, is how he didn’t almost collapse several times but listened to his body.

At home, Felix continues working his way down the recipe list for protein shakes from Sylvain’s running website. His mouth isn’t watering as much for this one—an unholy combination of spinach, almond butter, yoghurt, and banana, sprinkled with a generous amount of protein powder—as for the ones before, likely because they all tasted like shit. Or because Felix didn’t skip lunch today.

Every ache in his body disappears at once as Felix sinks groaning into his sofa after a hot shower. Cat jogs over to him and jumps onto his thighs, and they start hurting all over again. Felix drapes his coverlet over her as a thank-you. Cat wriggles out from under it after a few moments of the TV filling the silence of Felix’s condo and lies down on top of his thighs again. Instead of listening to the voice-over of the documentary, Felix grabs for his phone and opens his chat with Sylvain.

**Felix:** Do you like it when I tell a joke?

It doesn’t take long for Sylvain to respond.

**Sylvain:** It always seems so out of character??? Ur usually so

**Sylvain:** Pragmatic

**Sylvain:** Like u said urself

**Felix:** But do you like it?

**Sylvain:** I always appreciate it

**Sylvain:** So yes

**Sylvain:** Why r u asking tho? Something happen?

**Felix:** I made a joke and my two coworkers just stared at me

**Felix:** I don’t think I’ll try again

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Well u can always tell me jokes if

**Sylvain:** U somehow feel invalidated or something

**Felix:** I just wanted to warm up to them. I never make the effort

**Sylvain:** So it hurts that it didnt work out as planned?

**Felix:** A tiny bit?

**Felix:** One of those two is also going to join the movie night disaster

**Sylvain:** The “disaster” part is new :o

**Felix:** Didn’t I tell you? We’re going to watch Shrek

**Sylvain:** OH I LOVE THAT ONE

**Sylvain:** Its really good! Looks a little dated but hey, thats early 00s cgi for u

**Sylvain:** Has its own charm

**Felix:** I don’t think I’m going to like it

**Sylvain:** You totally have to watch out for the adult jokes

**Sylvain:** My fave one has to be the special donkey tail

**Felix:** Saints above

**Felix:** Don’t put these images in my head

**Sylvain:** Ur perverted :)

**Felix:** Bite me

**Sylvain:** Noted :)

**Sylvain:** Tell me what u think of the movie afterwards

**Sylvain:** U may also liveblog

**Sylvain:** I dont mind

**Felix:** I won’t

**Felix:** You said I should go out more. I’m making the effort and I will go. But not with my face glued to my phone

**Sylvain:** All right all right point taken

**Sylvain:** But please please tell me what u think of the movie

**Felix:** I will

**Sylvain:** Thank

**Sylvain:** Btw do u also experience this thing where u feel old beyond ur years or is it just me?

**Felix:** I always thought it was just me

**Sylvain:** Ohhh good

**Sylvain:** Well not good

**Sylvain:** But im glad im not alone in this lol

**Felix:** Why do you feel old?

**Sylvain:** My all nighters really took their toll on me

**Sylvain:** I slept 17 hours straight afterwards

**Sylvain:** And in a shitty position so now i cant raise my right arm without my shoulder screaming in pain

**Felix:** Are you right-handed?

**Sylvain:** Yes so

**Sylvain:** It sucks

**Felix:** Sounds like it

**Felix:** Do you have to work tomorrow too?

**Sylvain:** Hell no

**Sylvain:** Today neither

**Sylvain:** I worked the whole 40 hours in three days

**Sylvain:** And i promise u im never gonna do that again

**Felix:** And I thought I was the workaholic

**Sylvain:** Hey at least i love my job

**Sylvain:** But yeah. That was a little too much

**Sylvain:** I hope my shoulder pain goes away tho

**Felix:** Painkillers?

**Sylvain:** Im trying to sit it out

**Sylvain:** Ill take some tomorrow if its not better by then

**Sylvain:** I also still have my special herbs ;)

**Felix:** Are you talking about weed?

**Sylvain:** ;)

**Felix:** And then you’re gonna drunk-text me again

**Sylvain:** Oh gods

**Sylvain:** Dont remind me

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** So uh what happens or happened to make *u* feel old??

**Felix:** Oh the usual

**Felix:** I’m out of breath when I climb the stairs

**Felix:** I got frostbite

**Sylvain:** Thats just being out of shape

**Felix:** I don’t understand young people anymore

**Felix:** I get up and don’t feel my limbs

**Felix:** The headache episode

**Sylvain:** Aw man :(

**Felix:** The list goes on

**Sylvain:** U started working out right?

**Felix:** A week ago

**Sylvain:** Well itll be a while before u see much progress

**Felix:** It’s frustrating

**Felix:** I never should have let my stamina degrade this far

**Sylvain:** You cant do anything abt that now

**Sylvain:** Look forward. Be proud of the u in a couple months when it really starts to show

**Felix:** I’ll try to but I don’t think I have enough optimistic energy in me

**Sylvain:** Tryings better than giving up from the start

Cat gets up to stretch herself before she begins kneading Felix’s legs.

**Felix:** I’ve been working my ass off that video ad thing for the last couple days

**Sylvain:** Yeah u mentioned it

**Felix:** Right. The appointment with Annette Dominic was today

**Sylvain:** WOW

**Sylvain:** U talked to her in person?? Whats she like?

**Felix:** Nice I guess? She brought self-made cookies

**Sylvain:** That were too sweet for ur liking?

**Felix:** You bet

**Felix:** Anyway I wanted to say something else entirely

**Felix:** My weekend wasn’t so easy

**Sylvain:** I remember

**Felix:** Yes. It’s been work, eat, sleep, repeat for so long that I have no fucking idea what to do with my spare time

**Felix:** I mean I try working out but I can’t do that all the time

**Felix:** I’m just going to end up collapsing for a different reason

**Sylvain:** Ur documentaries aren’t cutting it huh

**Felix:** Don’t sound so condescending

**Sylvain:** Sorry

**Sylvain:** I dont mean to be… mean

**Sylvain:** No pun intended

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** So r u indirectly asking me what to do?

**Felix:** I might be

**Sylvain:** Oof thats a hard one

**Sylvain:** U could pick up a new skill like a language or

**Sylvain:** Learn an instrument heh

**Felix:** That’s too hard for the start

**Felix:** I lack the energy and the focus I have when I work. And I don’t want recreation to feel like work

**Sylvain:** Hmmm

**Sylvain:** How abt just consuming something? Like reading or watching lets plays

**Felix:** I haven’t read a book for the hell of it in forever

**Sylvain:** But would u if u had one?

**Felix:** If it’s engaging

**Sylvain:** Okay uhm im thinking

**Sylvain:** I have a bookshelf but not every book in it was worth the read to be absolutely honest

**Sylvain:** I try to be neat abt it and i have separate fiction and non-fiction (mostly history and music) shelves

**Sylvain:** So uh what can u see urself enjoying?

Felix doesn’t know if ‘enjoying’ is the right term for the escapism he seeks. Something to take his mind off his surroundings would be good enough for him already.

**Felix:** I’m not sure

**Felix:** What do you like?

**Sylvain:** Hmmmmmm

**Sylvain:** I read a LOT of different things so its hard to just name one

**Sylvain:** Lets just start with the classics

**Sylvain:** U know those books everyone should have read at least once

**Felix:** Harry Potter?

**Sylvain:** Oh god i did not like that one

**Sylvain:** Sorry if u have fond memories

**Sylvain:** I cant get over the fact how some characters “ejaculate” what theyre saying

**Sylvain:** When *i* ejaculate let me assure u its not speech

**Felix:** Sylvain no

**Sylvain:** Then theres the whole wand business

**Sylvain:** Like the wands get descriptions

**Sylvain:** How long and thick they are

**Sylvain:** I think rons packing 14 inches

**Felix:** I thought you didn’t like it

**Sylvain:** Doesnt mean i didnt read it

**Sylvain:** Anyway moving on

**Felix:** Please

**Sylvain:** Another timeless classic

**Sylvain:** Lord of the rings

**Sylvain:** I remember vividly (when i read the lotr novels) that there r these footnotes

**Sylvain:** For appendices

**Sylvain:** And at first i thought there was a companion novel to go with them that i failed to get

**Felix:** Like a complete guide deal?

**Sylvain:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Pissed me off a little at first

**Sylvain:** The internet wasnt so big back in the day so i couldnt just google the shit

**Sylvain:** I dont think google was even a thing back then

**Sylvain:** Anyway then! I saw the third novel has this huge ass appendix

**Felix:** Ah

**Sylvain:** Its fascinating

**Sylvain:** I wish every fantasy novel did that

**Sylvain:** U can see the world-building on a wholly different level u know?

**Felix:** I see

**Felix:** I watched the movies a couple years after they came out

**Sylvain:** What did u think?

**Felix:** I was feverish. I don’t really remember the contents, just that I watched them

**Sylvain:** Maybe u can watch them at ur new movie nights

**Felix:** Let me survive this one first

**Sylvain:** Cmon shrek is a cult classic

**Sylvain:** And so is lotr

**Sylvain:** Anyway

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** Books

All three photos show parts of a large bookshelf that stretches across a wooden wall. The books themselves are bound in colorful covers. Despite only showing a portion of how Sylvain lives, it looks… homely. Not like the bland white walls only touched by the necessities Felix surrounds himself with, Cat the only real speck of color.

**Sylvain:** Like i said not all of them will be worth ur time but im also too lazy for individual reviews

**Felix:** That’s a lot

**Sylvain:** Well i did start my little collection when i was in my teens lol

**Sylvain:** Should be about 800

**Sylvain:** Im unfortunately not a fast reader

**Felix:** I’ll never catch up

**Sylvain:** Its not a competition haha

**Felix:** Ok

**Felix:** I’ll go to the bookstore on the weekend

**Sylvain:** Do that

**Sylvain:** The staff is more competent in book recs than me

**Sylvain:** And dont feel like u have a list to work down

**Sylvain:** Like u said. It shouldnt feel like work

Felix yawns. It’s not even midnight, but he concedes his body is right: It’s a Thursday and spreadsheets and charts will be waiting for him tomorrow at Blue Lions. Loathe as he is to admit, he has to call it a day.

**Felix:** I have to go to bed

**Sylvain:** Right its p late already

**Sylvain:** And to sleep?

**Felix:** At least to nap

**Sylvain:** Thats better than nothing

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** Thank you

**Felix:** For taking the time

**Felix:** And for caring

**Sylvain:** Awwwwwwwwww feLIX

**Felix:** Don’t ruin it

**Sylvain:** I wont!!! Ill grab lex and burn off all this sudden excess energy

**Felix:** It’s dark

**Sylvain:** Were not afraid of a little darkness

**Felix:** Don’t get lost

**Sylvain:** Nah were taking care!

**Sylvain:** Sleep well!

**Felix:** You too

**Felix:** Oh and please send me a text when you get home safe

**Felix:** My phone will be off so I’ll only see the message tomorrow

**Sylvain:** Awww r we worried? :)

**Felix:** Bye

Making sure his alarm is set, Felix turns off his phone and TV, and heads for the bathroom. Cat takes the other door to his bedroom, tail raised high, hips swaying. A smile blooms on Felix’s face as he watches her back.


	11. Day 16

The dining hall is much more lively shortly after noon, even on a Friday, than it was four hours later yesterday. Felix’s knuckles turn white with the amount of force he grips his tray loaded with a disgusting-looking bean soup with, eyes roaming the room. Despite Felix’s assessment yesterday, Molinaro blends in. While Felix looks around, someone jostles against him without apologizing. Felix shoots them an expression equivalent of his middle finger because someone obviously doesn’t know who can get them fired real quick.

Then Felix spots Molinaro, and next to him, comically small looking (but Felix knows they’re about the same height, which does serve nothing to make him feel good for once), Ashe. He walks over to them, sitting down across from them at the place they saved them at the table. “Hey.”

Ashe nods to him, smile hopefully not breaking and letting out the soup his mouth is stuffed with. Molinaro next to him lowers his empty spoon and smiles as well. “Hello. I’m glad you could make it today as well.”

“Honestly, it’s nice to take an actual break.” Felix slides as close to the table as he can. What is not nice, just as honestly, is how there’s so many people in so little space. If _someone_ decides to walk a little too close to Felix’s back, he’ll snap them like a twig. A slight shudder goes through him at the thought of someone just behind him, close enough to breathe down his neck. So much for keeping his composure.

“The screens always make my eyes hurt,” Ashe agrees. “I admit I’m a little afraid of going near-sighted.” Ah, so he’s already smelling a sacrifice Blue Lions Financing & Real Estate wants him to make. Good. It’s the first piece on a pyre that will only grow.

“My eyes are still fine. I just get sick of crunching data in Excel.” Felix tries his soup that looks like it will have a similar effect on him. It does taste better than it looks, but that’s not saying much when it looks like vomit.

“Dimitri is glad he has someone like you to take care of these important matters,” Molinaro says.

“Oh, right, you said he was sick yesterday,” Ashe says. “Is he better yet?”

Molinaro bows his head. “Unfortunately no.”

“It’s in his head.” Felix watches both men for their reactions at this revelation. Something like anger flashes through Molinaro’s eyes before he shrouds his expression in careful neutrality. They both know that even if Blaiddyd thinks highly of them both, it’s Felix who he’s known far longer, it’s Felix he’s made his right-hand man, and it’s Felix he’ll come crawling to if he loses control over his demons. At least, that’s what Felix tells himself.

Ashe, on the other hand, wears his emotions on his face. His eyes widen, then his eyebrows draw together, then he sticks out his bottom lip in a pout, then the bean soup suddenly becomes the most interesting thing in the room. Ashe keeps staring into his bowl like Narcissus into the river after he was cursed. “Oh.”

“Mhm. He,” Felix starts and stops when he sees Molinaro lightly shake his head. There’s danger in his eyes, an unspoken threat, unguarded ferocity. Felix clears his throat. Molinaro is still Molinaro, even if he smiled at him today and yesterday. “He should tell you himself.”

“I don’t think it’s any of your concern anyway, Ashe.” Molinaro finishes his soup.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pried,” Ashe says.

Felix releases a breath—he’s off the hook. “It’s fine,” he says. Molinaro still doesn’t look amused, but he appears to let it go for now. Good enough. “How’s your analysis coming along, Ashe?”

“I think I’m doing rather well considering I’ve never done this before.”

“Is…” Fuck. Felix forgot Molinaro’s name _again_ and blames it on it having fled his body at their confrontation. He nods elaborately in his direction. “Is it helpful that you don’t have to work alone?”

“Yes, absolutely! Dedue’s a great help, and not just with this project.”

“Good. If anything you’re both feeling unsure about comes up, don’t hesitate to ask me.”

“Will do!”

Felix glances over to Molinaro one last time. He still doesn’t look amused. “I’ll be going in a minute,” Felix says, finishing his bowl as Ashe slurps up the remainder of his own helping of soup.

“Thanks for eating with us!” Ashe calls after him. Felix, already on his way to drop off his tray, raises his hand in a farewell gesture.

* * *

Since he spent less time in the dining hall than planned, Felix figures he can check his phone. He makes sure his office is locked from the inside—no need to risk Ashe finding him lounging about instead of cursing at his computer—before he pulls the gadget from his pocket.

Sylvain indeed texted him at two in the fucking morning that he’s now home. There was nothing else waiting for Felix this morning, and, figuring Sylvain grants himself another 17 hours of beauty sleep, didn’t bother replying. Sylvain got up way, way earlier than expected, judging by the steady trickle of texts starting at quarter to twelve.

**Sylvain:** Im so glad it kept snowing all week

**Sylvain:** Building sexy snow women is great and all but my favorite snow activity is something else

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

There’s a small sled that can seat one person and have another one stand behind them on the photo. Chained to the sled are two huge dogs in the front, four collars behind them in rows of two still vacant. There are three more dogs in the picture, and one tail that must belong to a sixth one.

**Sylvain:** DOG SLEDDING

**Sylvain:** See lex??? Hes in front

**Sylvain:** The bigass one

Felix looks at the picture again. Oh gods. Sylvain’s dog is massive. The others are all smaller and appear to be similar breeds: huskies and malamutes.

**Sylvain:** Wait ill walk around so u get a better shot at my boy

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

Someone in the blurry background tacks a third dog to their collar while Lex’s pale blue eyes and purple lolling tongue take the focus of the picture.

**Sylvain:** Whos a good boy who is who is who is

**Sylvain:** Ingrid is scolding me :( She says im lazing about again

**Sylvain:** We always go dog sledding at least once a year (usually more often tho) when the snows good and we can both take the day off

**Sylvain:** I got up extra early but i figured lol whatever. I slept all day yesterday

**Felix:** I did not at all expect this

They must have not started yet because Sylvain replies almost immediately, as if he’s watching his phone.

**Sylvain:** I do have some hidden

**Sylvain:** Well not depths but

**Felix:** Go help your friend

**Sylvain:** Nah i never do. Last time i tried helping i hecked up tying the harness correctly

**Felix:** It doesn’t look that hard

**Sylvain:** It isnt ;)

**Felix:** You did it on purpose?

**Sylvain:** Betcha

**Sylvain:** U know what ive been thinking?? Basically since lex and me arrived here

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** I just thought itd be so cool if u were here?? And could do this with us instead of being in a vegetative state at ur job

**Sylvain:** (Sorry if i offended u with that but u make it sound like ur job is *so* boring)

**Felix:** I’ve been spouting profanity at ms excel all day so far

**Sylvain:** Ewwww

**Sylvain:** So what would u say?

**Felix:** To what?

**Sylvain:** To my daydream!!!!

**Felix:** Dog sledding with you and your friend?

**Sylvain:** And lex

**Felix:** How are you imagining this? You don’t even know what I look like

**Sylvain:** Im in music. Im creative

**Felix:** I’m not. I can’t picture this

**Sylvain:** Wait ill help u

**Felix:** ?

There are no dots indicating Sylvain’s typing, and Felix’s heart starts racing. Oh no. Oh no he isn’t. He scrambles to type, and sends off his message at the same second Sylvain sends his.

**Felix:** Don’t send me a photo of you

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

Felix was too late despite his phone doing him the courtesy and displaying his own message on top. He tells himself not to look but he does and now he’s doomed.

Sylvain wasn’t lying when he said he’s hot. Felix keeps staring at the photo, trying to make sense of it all in his brain suddenly short-circuited and fried.

A few locks of fiery red hair peek out from under a woollen cap that’s pulled down over Sylvain’s ears. Ski goggles hang around his neck, hugging a thick scarf. The little Felix can see of his shoulders on the selfie looks broad and well-toned under a hoodie Sylvain is no doubt wearing over more layers of warming clothes.

But it’s his face that draws Felix in, makes him swallow and wet his lips, and, worst of all, gives him that stupid feeling in his chest, one he thought doomed along with his chance at happiness, with his laughter, with his will to go on.

The goofy smile Sylvain blasts at the camera looks like he practiced it in front of his mirror for hours on end, yet there’s still something genuine buried beneath the obvious deceit of something trained and staged. He has very nice teeth Sylvain probably made his dentist a rich man for, and nicer lips that are flushed red from the coldness like the tip of his nose. A small scar shines on the left side of his upper lip.

And his eyes… Oh saints above _and_ below. Felix is a dead man. The color of Sylvain’s eyes starts as a light amber at the outer edges of his irises and becomes darker, like burnt umber, the closer it draws to his pupils. His eyes, framed by lashes both long and thick, are warm with the smile in them that on his lips looks somewhat like an act.

Drawing the bottom line, Felix recapitulates. Sylvain is charming and compassionate. He’s clever, he’s artistic, he has hobbies and fun at life. He sees the little good sarcastic and cynical people like Felix possess, he dishes out praise left and right, he’s not afraid to share and overshare. He likely feels little to no shame, only embarrassing Felix because _he’s_ the one to get uneasy. And to top it off, he looks like he walked out of one of Felix’s wet dreams.

And Felix? He finally gets why it’s called a ‘crush’: It’s crushing him. It’s a crushing weight on his shoulders, it’s crushing his lungs and making it hard to breathe, he’s crushed and mortified and devastated at how fast he let himself stumble and fall and split his knees open. He doesn’t want to feel like this for the first time since _the incident_ , and certainly not towards someone who has to reconfirm his own heterosexuality again and again and again.

This is what he gets for chasing the mad desire to feel again, huh? Not what he bargained for when he started the fool’s journey a mere two weeks ago, but they do say you should be careful what you wish for.

What Felix needs right now is a smoke. He drapes over his coat and takes his phone with him. His signal isn’t the best down in the underground parking lot and Sylvain’s pictures wouldn’t have loaded here. Texting is still doable with the flimsy connection to the routers above him, though. The cigarette Felix pulls on tastes awful but it steadies both his nerves and his hands.

Once he feels like he can breathe again, he pulverizes the remains of his cancer stick with the heel of his boot. Felix inhales, holds, counts to seven, releases, before he opens his message thread with Sylvain and scrolls past his picture.

**Sylvain:** Whoops sorry dude!!!

**Sylvain:** I swear it sent at the same time

**Sylvain:** R u angry now? :(

**Sylvain:** Dont leave me on read

**Felix:** I’m not angry

Only everything else.

**Sylvain:** Oh good

**Sylvain:** Im so relieved

**Sylvain:** Ingrid started mocking me

**Felix:** Why?

**Sylvain:** For me getting worried abt my internet friend

**Felix:** I told you not to worry

**Sylvain:** Cant help it

**Sylvain:** So uh

**Sylvain:** Will we just leave this hanging in the room or r u gonna comment on my pretty face?

**Felix:** If you’re fishing for compliments, go to someone else

**Sylvain:** Harsh

**Sylvain:** Ill ask ing if my face is pretty

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** She said no

_But it is_ , Felix wants to write.

**Sylvain:** She also said to get my ass in gear

**Sylvain:** So uh before i go

**Sylvain:** Did i make anything awkward between us?

_Yes_ , Felix thinks.

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Good

**Sylvain:** I wouldnt mind a pic of u too if ur up for that

**Felix:** Maybe later

**Felix:** I have to go back to work

**Sylvain:** Now ill have something to look forward to!!!!

**Sylvain:** See u this evening? (Pun very much intended this time)

**Felix:** I guess

**Felix:** Have fun

**Sylvain:** I will!!

Felix’s knees buckle and he has to hold on to the roof of his car to keep from going down. He’s done it now. Dug his own grave, and didn’t even need Blaiddyd to hand him the shovel. No. Felix, all grown up like no-indoor-voice Catherine observed, can do it all by him-fucking-self.

He’s wasted so much time here already, a second smoke won’t keep him much longer. And it’s not like Felix will be able to get any more work done today when Sylvain’s stupid grin waits for him every time he closes his eyes.

* * *

Despite it all, Felix pushed through. He bought two nasty, cloyingly sweet energy drinks from the vending machine to help him focus. His heart’s been racing non-stop ever since he opened that annoying photo, and at this point, Felix isn’t able to tell Sylvain’s unintended influence over his body from the energy drinks’ effect anymore. He clocks out at ten to six and drives to the supermarket to do the groceries before hitting gym.

“Good to see you keep coming back!” Catherine hollers when he steps inside. “I have something that may be of interest for you.”

“Oh?“ Felix steps up to her.

Catherine points at a pile of leaflets on the counter. “Those arrived today. Some Adrestian pretty boy is going to offer workshops on medieval weapons, like sword fighting or archery. There’s dates and places for the workshops in there, and what exactly you can learn there if you sign up.”

Felix takes the top pamphlet and opens it. According to it, you can learn the basic techniques of swords, lances, bows, and even war axes (who even used them?). Of course everything will be conducted with practice weapons and not something you can do more harm than a bruise with. There are dates listed for March through August, for places all across Fódlan. Faerghus comes first, with a workshop in Arianrhod in March and one in Fhirdiad in April. “Will you go?” Felix asks.

“Of course! I took some kendo lessons when I was a kid, so maybe I can expand on it!”

“I don’t think they’ll teach kendo there.”

Catherine shrugs, both hands raised palms-up to the ceiling. “See if I care.” She leans over the counter, elbows resting on its surface. “What about you? Will you go?”

“I might. It sounds interesting.”

“I knew you’d like this!” Catherine beams at him. “So, anything special planned for today?”

“Actually, yes. I’d like a kick-boxing partner.”

“That’s easy.” Without warning, Catherine yells at 120 decibels, “Caspar!”

Felix clamps his hands over his ears. They still start ringing.

Like a dog called to heel, Caspar emerges from the back of the gym, breathing hard. “What is it?” he gasps, then spots Felix and breaks out in a grin. “Hey, Felix.”

“Felix wants to kick-box with you,” Catherine says as if Felix isn’t all grown up after all.

“Oh, nice.” Caspar turns back to Felix. “Go get changed and do your stretches. I’ll be right with you.”

“Okay.” Felix is glad to leave them. He takes one of the leaflets to stuff into his bag before he heads for the cubicles. This time, he doesn’t hear Caspar follow him, but he’s there when Felix slides the door open after changing.

“Catherine said you were here yesterday, too,” Caspar starts chatting at him.

Felix locks away his bag and starts his stretches. There’s no one around here, not at this hour. “I was.”

“I usually only go Fridays. I mean I _am_ supposed to study.”

“But…?”

“I don’t know, man. Numbers, charts… they all go over my head. Maybe I have dyscalculus or something.”

“Dyscalculia.”

“You know, the thing where you’re bad with numbers.”

“I know.”

“You have it, too?”

Felix finishes his stretches and gives Caspar a look. His whole day was filled with numbers and formulas. “I think I’d have noticed by now.”

“Oh. All right, wanna get started?”

“I’ll be out of shape.”

Caspar barks a laugh. “You already made a fool out of yourself last week. No need to apologize now.”

Felix rolls his eyes and follows Caspar into the ring. “Thanks.”

“You want to defend, too?”

“No. I need to let off some steam.”

“All righty.” Caspar pulls on protective gear and assumes a defensive stance. “Ready when you are!”

Felix rolls his head on his shoulders and begins. He’s slow and weak, and his hits barely connect, if they do at all. Nonetheless, doing this—working with his whole body and exhausting everything it’s made of—gives him a rush and brings a grin to his face.

Caspar doesn’t say anything during it all, and Felix thanks him silently for shutting his goddamned mouth for once. He keeps his eyes trained on Felix, his arms, his legs, and his face, and flashes a smile when Felix loses himself in it, improves, finally lands a hit Caspar really needs to defend against.

They call it quits soon after, another silent agreement. Felix’s shoulders are heaving from his heavy breaths, his heart racing worse than before, his joints aching, his hair sticking to his face with sweat pouring from every pore of his body. Knees buckling again, Felix sits down heavily on the floor of the ring, and squeezes the water from his bottle into his mouth.

Caspar takes off the gear, then sits down next to Felix. “What got you so worked up in the first place?”

Felix glances side-long at Caspar. He does want to pour his heart out to someone, but they’re not close enough for this. Not yet, anyway. And Felix doubts Caspar would be a good choice for talking about feelings. “Mainly my own behavior. I’m not angry at anyone.”

“Did you screw up something at your job?”

“Not as far as I’m aware.” Felix empties his bottle. “It doesn’t matter. I’m feeling better now.”

“That’s all that counts!” Caspar reaches out and pats Felix on his leg. It takes all his self-control not to flinch nor to lash out at Caspar. Thankfully, he retracts his hand fast. “Your form wasn’t so bad, you know. You’re just rusty. And… maybe lack stamina. But that’ll come back with time.”

“I’ll have to work hard.”

“I’m positive you can do it! I mean, I remember how good you used to be!”

“Thank you.” Felix drags himself up. His tracksuit is clammy with sweat and now that he’s calmed down somewhat, he just wants to shower.

Caspar gets up as well. “Aw, no biggie! We can do this more often if you like.”

“I might take you up on the offer.”

“You may want to resolve your problem another way, though, if it’s your only motivation for this.” Caspar scratches the back of his head and surveys the boxing ring. “I mean, yeah, I like training with you, no question! But it’s not the solution to what’s really bugging you.”

“I know. I’ll have to do some thinking, too.”

“If it helps.” Caspar sounds uncertain. He looks back to Felix. “Shower? I was ready to pack up when Catherine called me but I figured, hey, why not help out?” He shrugs. “Catherine is a mean partner, trust me. You’d rather spar with me.”

Felix nods. “I remember. She kicks everyone’s ass.”

Caspar grins. “That she does! So, shower?”

“I can’t.”

“Right, I forget. And I won’t ask, like I said.”

“Thanks. Really.”

Caspar gives Felix a thumbs up and falls into step beside him when Felix makes for the lockers. “Well, uh, see you next week? Maybe text before that?”

“Next week at the latest. I don’t usually text a lot.” At least he hasn’t until two weeks ago. And Felix wants to retain his quiet a little longer. No need to rush headlong into the noise he isn’t familiar with anymore if he’s allowed to take baby steps.

“Yeah, I noticed you’re a little on the quiet end.”

Felix nods. “Have a nice weekend,” he says as he steps, bag in hand, into the cubicle and slides the door closed.

“I will! Partying with Ashe! Anyway, have a nice weekend, too!”

“I’ll try,” Felix whispers and waits for Caspar to walk off before he peels his tracksuit from his skin.

* * *

Felix remains a creature of habit, he just gives up old routines in exchange for others. Instead of raiding the nearest burger joint, he watches his blender shred vegetables and liquid into something unappetizing that he seasons with a little more protein powder than recommended. He lets the sausages he bought earlier simmer in hot water while he does the same, albeit under the shower.

Since his hair is now wet, Felix has the perfect excuse to put off taking a photo of himself. He checks on his sausages, deems them done, and cuts them into small slices. Three of these he drops into Cat’s bowl after quenching them with cold water. The rest is for him to choke down after being way too stuffed with lunch and the protein shake already. It doesn’t matter to him, though. Felix needs something that tastes delicious for once to wash his mouth of the shit he had to consume today. And maybe he’ll even gain some much-needed weight.

Felix makes himself comfortable on his sofa, TV rambling away in the background to fill the silence. He pops open a beer and starts eating while checking his phone. His heart starts racing again, although not as uncomfortably as back at work. Felix looks again at Sylvain’s photo before he opens the chat.

**Felix:** I’m finally home

Sylvain, as expected, responds immediately.

**Sylvain:** Me too!!

**Sylvain:** Today was exhausting but veeery thrilling

**Felix:** I worked overtime and still went to the gym

**Sylvain:** Sounds similar to my day but uhhhhhhh

**Sylvain:** I wouldnt wanna trade

**Felix:** Understandable

**Felix:** Is your shoulder ok?

**Sylvain:** Aw u remembered!

**Sylvain:** It was ok this morning but it started hurting when the adrenaline dissipated

**Sylvain:** So uhm u remember my herbs right

**Sylvain:** I might be a tiny bit high

**Sylvain:** But i have it all under control!!!!

**Sylvain:** See?? I can type perfectly fine

**Felix:** Don’t smoke more

**Felix:** I don’t want to text with you when you’re like that

**Sylvain:** I only took one drag

**Felix:** Go see a doctor if your shoulder doesn’t get better

**Sylvain:** I will

**Felix:** Good

**Sylvain:** So about *seeing* u

**Sylvain:** Super looking forward :) :)

Right. Sylvain made it sound like this was going to be the climax of his evening.

**Felix:** My hair is still wet

**Felix:** And I’m having dinner

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Soon then

**Sylvain:** What r u having?

**Felix:** Sausage and beer

**Sylvain:** Sounds simple

**Felix:** I like it

**Sylvain:** I didn’t mean this as criticism

**Sylvain:** I had pizza lmao

**Sylvain:** Just threw it in the oven. Probably had less work than u

**Sylvain:** Sometimes i make everything myself but shit man i feel soooo old right now

**Sylvain:** I need to rest

**Felix:** You can just go to bed

**Sylvain:** Nice try but i wont leave until i get that photo

Felix opens a second bottle, the first one already empty. He touches his hair. The shorter strands in front have almost dried but the back is still damp and sticks to his back.

**Felix:** It’s gonna look horrible

**Sylvain:** Y?

**Felix:** I never take pictures of anything, and certainly not myself

**Felix:** And I always scowl

**Sylvain:** It’s fine. I only need to satisfy my fantasy

**Felix:** That’s what she said

**Sylvain:** You can never be sure of that with me ;)

Oh gods.

**Sylvain:** No lol i mean dog sledding, not fucking!!! I cant picture myself sleeping with another man

Of course.

**Felix:** Incidentally, how do you picture me?

**Sylvain:** Prolly all wrong

**Sylvain:** Im gonna make a fool out of myself if i tell u

**Felix:** Humor me

**Sylvain:** Nah

**Sylvain:** Remember i didn’t let u spring the trap either

**Felix:** No, you just went forth

**Sylvain:** Im sorry

**Sylvain:** If u really really dont want to show me then dont

**Sylvain:** I need more shit in my system

**Felix:** Are you trying to manipulate me?

Sylvain doesn’t reply.

**Felix:** Hey

**Felix:** Don’t finish your joint

There’s a sinking feeling now in Felix’s stomach along with the swarm of stupid fucking butterflies (and his sausage). He pushes his plate away and sits up straighter, only relaxing when Sylvain finally texts again.

**Sylvain:** All rightyyyy

**Sylvain:** All ready and god now

**Sylvain:** *Good

**Felix:** What did you do?

**Sylvain:** Nothing of note

**Sylvain:** I just realized something important

**Felix:** What?

**Sylvain:** Felix i want to make a sim of u

**Felix:** A sim?

**Sylvain:** Like in sims!! The sims! Sims the computer game

**Felix:** Ah

**Sylvain:** My friends and me used to play it when we were younger

**Sylvain:** A little normalcy in it all haha

**Sylvain:** If u can call it that

**Sylvain:** I mean we waited till all the sims were in the pool and then remove the ladders

**Sylvain:** And they would swim in circles until they died

**Sylvain:** Ohhhhh

**Sylvain:** We also played zoo tycoon and

**Sylvain:** We would attract myriads of people and then trap them and remove all the cages

**Sylvain:** But only after we removed the trash cans and the toilets and people littered everything

**Sylvain:** It was so funny

**Felix:** How high are you?

**Sylvain:** Sory

**Sylvain:** Sorry

**Sylvain:** Its just

**Sylvain:** I was so happy when we were sledding and i had this rush

**Sylvain:** And now its gone and i want it back

**Felix:** This is not the way to go about it

**Sylvain:** Yeah i admit i tried to guilt-trip u but it backfired

**Sylvain:** I was actually excited abt the photo

**Sylvain:** Now ur just gonna be angry and im sad

Felix inhales deeply. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. He doesn’t want to hurt Sylvain, especially since the front of a perfect life that he keeps projecting—or that Felix keeps interpreting into his texts—is crumbling some more.

**Felix:** I’m not angry

**Felix:** Give me a few minutes and you’ll get the picture ok?

**Sylvain:** Please i am begging

**Felix:** In the meanwhile:

**Felix:** Drink some water. Best with some lemon

**Felix:** Cuddle Lex

**Felix:** Maybe eat a little. Like nuts if you have them

**Sylvain:** Okay I will

**Felix:** Try to control your breathing too if you can. Breathe slowly, take seven-second breaks between in- and exhaling

Sylvain’s gone, hopefully to either get something else into his system, or to calm down with his dog. Sighing, Felix gets up and takes care of the dishes. How is he supposed to take an okay-looking picture of himself?

The worst photos with him are always the ones in which he looks directly into the camera. Some people—Sylvain included—have mastered the art. Felix is not one of them, and he likely never will be. His pictures will just look staged and worse for it, not better. Okay. Then he should try and make them look natural, accidental. This should be easiest to achieve by setting a timer and hoping his phone won’t count down to clue him in. He should also go for something… casual? Homely? Like petting Cat. Sylvain might like the picture more then. Felix wouldn’t say no to a compliment from him, grimacing at the thought.

He wants to impress and the extra pressure is not doing him any favors. After fumbling around with his phone’s settings, Felix places it with the help of a folder on his desk and calls, “Cat!” She actually heeds him, running into his arms and knocking her head against his chest and cheek when he gets down to his knees to scoop her up in his arms. “Did you like your sausage?” he asks, whispering because talking to your pet is stupid, and moreover, he expects a cat to have excellent hearing. Cat replies with a mewl and an attempt to bite Felix’s nose.

Her unexpected move causes Felix to flinch backwards and drop her. He falls on his ass while Cat does what cats do and lands on her feet. She’s purring and ready for more love Felix gladly gives her. He’s grown attached to his little furball, even though he’s not big on affection. But neither is Cat, so the little she craves he will give her without complaint.

As expected, Cat makes her getaway after only two minutes of petting. Felix gets back up, his gaze fixing on his phone. Oh, right. He had the camera rolling. He takes it to shut the camera off, a message from Sylvain flashing over his lock screen. Felix decides to keep him on hold for now to look through the photos he took while imbedding the shape of his ass permanently on this spot on his sofa.

Most of the photos are blurry or are otherwise unusable with Felix’s back turned towards the lens and all. There are, however, two he actually likes and keeps. One has him being knocked on his ass by Cat, the other smiling at her as he’s petting her on the floor. He zooms a little closer on the second one so his face makes up the biggest part of the photo, then hits save for a copy to send to Sylvain.

Felix’s heart is racing again when he opens the chat.

**Sylvain:** I did all 3 things

**Sylvain:** Then tried the breathing too

**Sylvain:** Its hard :( I cant focus rn

**Sylvain:** But the other three helped calm me

**Sylvain:** Thank you

**Sylvain:** I guess without u i wouldve just cried till i fell asleep

**Felix:** Are you feeling better now?

**Sylvain:** Im not panicking anymore

**Sylvain:** Still bummed tho

**Felix:** Would you feel better if I sent you that photo of me?

**Sylvain:** CONSIDERABLY

**Felix:** It’s different from your selfie though

**Sylvain:** I DONT CARE

**Felix:** I was taking pictures and petted Cat on the floor

**Sylvain:** CUTE

**Felix:** Stop shouting

**Sylvain:** I cant help it im sudDENLY SO EXCITED

**Sylvain:** ???????

**Felix:** Ok calm down some more first

**Sylvain:** Ur evil :(

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** U dont even deny it!!!!

**Sylvain:** The nerve…

Felix takes a deep breath. This is it. If Sylvain thinks he’s ugly, he’ll down the rest of his six-pack and fucks off to bed. If he doesn’t… Well, Felix can allow him one more bottle to celebrate, he guesses. He sends off the prepared photo with sweaty fingers, wipes them on the hem of his shirt, and fetches another beer from the fridge.

When he gets back, Sylvain has replied.

**Sylvain:** Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm

**Sylvain:** Ur not blond i was wrong

**Sylvain:** And u have long hair????

**Sylvain:** How long is it in the back?

**Felix:** It reaches just past my shoulder blades

**Sylvain:** Wow

**Sylvain:** I always cut mine off when it gets too long

**Sylvain:** I hate it when it tickles where the neck goes into the back

**Sylvain:** Gods i forgot the word

**Felix:** It’s fine

**Sylvain:** Where

**Sylvain:** Where the neck meets the back

**Sylvain:** U know what i mean?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Anyway this isnt abt me

**Sylvain:** So

**Sylvain:** Like srsly i pictured u all wrong in my head

**Sylvain:** Bad wrong

**Sylvain:** I like what i see more than the shit i came up with

**Felix:** Oh?

Felix’s heart starts hammering.

**Sylvain:** And u lied. Ur smiling not scowling!!!!

**Sylvain:** It suits u

**Sylvain:** And if u dont mind me saying

**Sylvain:** Ur actually really pretty. For a man

This went better than expected. Felix grabs at his hair and can’t help but laugh. He’s feeling light-headed, and he knows he’s tipsy, and he doesn’t care. Of course Sylvain keeps making sure Felix isn’t getting any wrong ideas, and he won’t, but the lack of an outright rejection is shooting more dopamine into his brain in one little moment than he had to spare in years.

**Felix:** I’m usually not one for taking compliments but I’ll make an exception for you since I really needed to hear that right now

**Sylvain:** Im always excited when i got to make ur day a little better

**Felix:** By the way I distinctly remember you calling your own face “pretty”

**Sylvain:** Well it is

**Sylvain:** Even if ingrid disagrees

**Felix:** You’re narcissistic

**Sylvain:** Just vain

**Sylvain:** My good looks are almost everything i have going for me

**Felix:** If you really believe that you’re stupider than I thought

**Sylvain:** Im good at being stupid too for instance

**Felix:** I see

**Sylvain:** Or well. Pretending to be

**Sylvain:** I realize this was one of these hidden compliments of urs, wrapped in ur trademark package of sarcasm

**Sylvain:** But i see it for what it is, with that stamp of urs

**Sylvain:** It shows u smiling bc u love ur cat!

Felix rolls his eyes, though he admits Sylvain is right about one thing: He’s still smiling.

**Felix:** I bet it’s obscured by the ink of the postmark and you’re just making shit up

**Sylvain:** U dont deny it tho :)

**Felix:** I made this resolution today

**Felix:** Concerning you

**Sylvain:** Tell me

**Felix:** I’ll try not to lie to you anymore

**Sylvain:** Pfffft u just lied

**Felix:** I didn’t?

**Sylvain:** U said i was making shit up

**Felix:** I said I BET you’re making shit up

**Sylvain:** Whats ur stake then? Another photo?

**Felix:** Hell no

**Sylvain:** I didnt even say of what :(

**Felix:** Let me read your mind

**Felix:** Oh you want another photo of me

**Sylvain:** Damn right

**Sylvain:** U know me too well already

**Felix:** Why though?

**Sylvain:** Idk its still unreal to me

**Sylvain:** That u actually exist

**Sylvain:** Like re: u lying

**Sylvain:** Part of me was afraid this whole time ur not real

**Sylvain:** Just some creep or a teenager with too much time to get off on pranking an old man

**Felix:** You’re not that old

**Sylvain:** Only a little old, i know

**Sylvain:** Well still. U couldve made it all up

**Sylvain:** I mean i reverse image searched the pic with cat. The very first one

**Sylvain:** I didnt get any hits (which was in ur favor)

**Sylvain:** I think i only started believing u last week when u sent another photo and cat was in it and i compared what she looks like in both photos and she appears to be the same cat

**Sylvain:** So i concluded ur at least not lying abt having a cat

**Felix:** What the hell

**Sylvain:** Ur just not the talkative type

**Sylvain:** I dont mean this in a negative way

**Sylvain:** But shit man

**Sylvain:** I never had this internet friendship thing, not like this, and certainly not with someone who doesnt live on the far side of almyra or brigid, and it fucks with me

**Felix:** I understand

**Felix:** It’s the same for me

**Sylvain:** Everything just… Its all so fast

**Sylvain:** I look through our chats and weve barely been talking for 2 weeks

**Sylvain:** But it feels like ive known u for much longer

**Sylvain:** And sometimes i want to pour my heart out abt things i dont even tell my real life friends

**Sylvain:** Gods felix i was gonna write “real friends” first

**Sylvain:** But u r real

**Sylvain:** And a friend

**Sylvain:** Were just doing this in the wrong order

**Sylvain:** Or in an unconventional one

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** To what?

**Felix:** Everything

**Sylvain:** Including the friend part?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Man u will hate me forever but i *will* hug u if we ever meet

This sounded like a terrible idea a week ago and now Felix swallows at the thought of how broad Sylvain’s shoulders might be, how strong his arms. He did say he swims regularly. He must be… very good at hugging… Sighing, Felix makes himself stop. It won’t help his case if he starts fantasizing on top of it all. He’ll just make it worse, turn this crush into full-blown infatuation.

**Felix:** I don’t hug people

**Sylvain:** Y not?

**Felix:** It always leaves me with a bad feeling

**Sylvain:** Then ur doing it wrong

**Sylvain:** Or the others r

**Felix:** How can you even fuck up hugging people?

**Sylvain:** Well u have to let ur guard down

**Sylvain:** I think this might already be the solution

**Felix:** You should know it’s hard to trust others

**Sylvain:** Unfortunately

**Sylvain:** I cant talk abt everything either

**Sylvain:** I want to but i know were not ready

**Sylvain:** Ill tell u someday, pinky promise

**Felix:** Great and then what? Make me tell you in turn?

**Sylvain:** No!!! No strings attached

**Sylvain:** I do admit im curious

**Sylvain:** (And always worried)

**Sylvain:** But im glad ur not shoveling all ur problems onto me like the garbage dump some other people see in me

**Sylvain:** So thank u

**Felix:** Can I ask what’s up with you trash talking yourself from time to time?

**Sylvain:** Pun intended?

**Felix:** What pun?

**Sylvain:** The apparent garbage dump is trash talking

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** It was not intended

**Sylvain:** Shame

**Sylvain:** Anyway u asked

**Sylvain:** I guess i just lived up to the expectations of certain other people

**Sylvain:** And became someone else

**Sylvain:** Not like a split personality thing

**Sylvain:** More like an actor and his persona thing

**Sylvain:** If u get what i mean

**Sylvain:** Im sorry but this is one of my demons

**Felix:** Is this why you… seemed different at first? When you didn’t know I was a man?

**Sylvain:** Yea probably

**Sylvain:** I cant have been that insufferable

**Felix:** You were

**Sylvain:** I wasnt!!! Or why did u keep talking with me?

**Felix:** I guess I could do with a distraction

**Felix:** I still can

**Felix:** But I’ve grown not to dislike you anymore

Well, that’s an understatement. Felix pinches his arm to have something else to concentrate on than the flutter in his stomach.

**Sylvain:** Thats something i can live with

**Sylvain:** Hey uh do u have anything else u want to talk abt today? My tripping made me super tired

**Sylvain:** Ive been yawning for the past half hour

**Felix:** Oh

**Felix:** There’s just one thing. Concerning tomorrow

**Sylvain:** The dinner with ur boss?

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** I take it you recall I implied you’re good at distracting me

**Sylvain:** U want me to distract u in the evening?

**Felix:** So it’d be good if you could come up with something in case it bombs

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Ill just write a note to myself

**Sylvain:** For tomorrow

**Sylvain:** And ill figure this out then

**Sylvain:** But i will

**Sylvain:** Promise

**Felix:** Pinky promise?

**Sylvain:** Yea :)

Felix stifles a yawn himself. This day really took its toll on him. Maybe he’ll nap on the couch—the TV ought to lull him to sleep—before he gets ready for bed and migrates there.

**Sylvain:** Aight ill be going now!!

**Sylvain:** Sleep well

**Felix:** You too

**Felix:** And get well soon

**Sylvain:** Thank you so much

**Sylvain:** Im a little emotional right now so just imagine me crying singular tears of joy

**Sylvain:** At being cared for

**Felix:** Shut up and sleep until the THC left your body

Felix turns off his phone. He can’t take it when Sylvain makes him believe there’s this tiny chance he might end up liking him back. It’s too many feelings at once flooding his body all of a sudden and making him drown in the ecstasy of them.


	12. Day 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, I'm back! Please read the following things BEFORE the chapter, it's important!
> 
> 1) You may have noticed I updated some of the fic's tags. It's now officially rated M, and I went from "no archive warnings" to "graphic depictions of violence", just to be on the safe side. I will discuss death in here, and there will a scene that's somewhat gory. On top of that, there is explicit self-harm in this chapter. Can't stomach it? Please skip the second half of scene 3 (when the weather turns bad) as well as the whole of scene 4, and you can keep reading without having to drop the fic! If you use the search bar to search for "Dimitri Blaiddyd is already sitting at the table", you should skip right ahead!
> 
> 2) This chapter is 14.9k words long. Please make sure you have ample time to read it; it won't disappear on you. I don't delete fic. I understand it's fun but staying up late just to read this isn't worth it!

The next morning Felix wakes up in a cold sweat, his throat sore from screaming, sitting up so fast that he scared Cat from the pillow next to his into retreat. His dinner (and possibly more) threatens to come up again, but Felix dutifully swallows down the rising bile. No more losing weight, not on his watch.

It’s been a while since he’s been plagued by this particular nightmare, and Felix knows perfectly well why his brother’s death has come back to haunt him today of all days: dinner with Blaiddyd. There’s no way they won’t discuss it and its consequences, not when both their lives have been shattered by this event and left in shambles. Pieces to collect and glue together to get a semblance back of what it used to be like.

Felix nicks his chin once again while shaving, and lets it bleed this time. See if he cares. Neither his cig nor his breakfast taste like anything. His coffee is nothing more than bean water to Felix on this sunny, snow-filled morning, which should look somewhat romantic or at the very least inspire hope, and fails to make Felix do more than shield his eyes from the light reflecting off the snow.

There’s only two things that are of interest to him at the moment, polarizing him, swinging his mood around to and fro as if attached to a pendulum: Glenn and his last moments before his untimely death, and Sylvain and the terrifying things he makes Felix feel.

* * *

Felix pushes Sylvain from his mind. He can deal with him later, much as he’d like to forget everything else and talk to him and forego this dinner and run from Blaiddyd for the rest of his life.

It takes an effort to cross the little distance from the kitchen to the living room. The top drawer of his desk saps the strength from his arm so Felix takes out all its items one by one. First comes his notebook, which he places on the desk surface. Next up is his leather-embossed diary, colorful post-its and edges of photos sticking out from its sides. A key attached to a string of cord hangs from a hole Felix punched through the front cover. He grips it hard enough to bite into his palm and only opens it again when it must be bleeding. It’s not.

The diary joins the notebook. There’s something else in the drawer, something Felix had forgotten all about: an old CD. It’s the only thing Felix took home with him from Glenn’s belongings. The key leads to the remainder of those Felix saved, opening a safe deposit locker.

Felix’s breath hitches when he runs his shaking fingers over the CD case. On the cover art, a heart hangs from a noose. Fitting. Felix cracks the case open. Several of the pins supposed to hold the CD in place have long since broken off, but the disc itself still appears to be in pristine condition, its front signed by Glenn, the unscratched back reflecting Felix’s tear-rimmed eyes back at him.

He scrambles to his feet, holding the disc close to his chest when his knees threaten to give out—as if that would save the CD. Felix would probably end up crushing it and one of the pieces give him blood poisoning.

Heaving a breath, Felix continues to his CD player. Glenn’s taste was always a little too wild for Felix’s comfort, and especially so for their parents’. This never kept Felix from idolizing him, and it won’t keep him from taking comfort in the music making his blood rush and his whole body tremble.

He needs to sit down. Cat’s already rolled up on the sofa, ears folded back in what Felix guesses to be irritation at the rather loud music. Still, she lets herself be petted, her purrs rumbling along to the distorted guitars and the vocals on the verge of devolving into screams at all times (and sometimes doing so).

Felix spends the better part of an hour like this, petting Cat, a few silent tears running down his cheeks, lips moving along to the lyrics Glenn used to sing with a far better ear for pitch than Felix possesses.

When the CD is through, Felix replaces it and puts it back into the drawer. He takes the diary next, sitting down heavily on his office chair before his shaking hands open the front cover and leaf through the pages sticky with memories, drawings, photos. Felix saw his diary as a place to record his memories in rather than his most private thoughts—for those he used to have a brother to confide in.

There are pages detailing family vacations, messy child drawings of sandcastles and the sea as well as pressed flowers adorning the scribbly hand Felix never quite grew out of. Others have photos their parents took, the brothers playing with their childhood friends (of who only Dimitri Blaiddyd remains, back on these picture still with both eyes, but missing a front tooth he just lost instead). Then there’s pages on how Felix’s mom struggled with her declining health, eventually succumbing to the cancer that had eaten her body from the inside. The drawings on those pages are bad, the crayon thick and at times applied with so much pressure that a page ripped. Felix even kept one curling page completely free, the next one saying how he smeared a whole week’s worth of tears onto it.

He had needed time to recover from that blow, and it was not his diary he’d talked to. The next entries start almost two years later to the date, with Felix now being a pimply, awkward teenager. Glenn had told him to apply make-up (he, who never had acne or greasy hair or tufts of it growing patchily in weird places), and he let Felix paint his face in turn. There’s a photo of both of them in drag that makes Felix smile now. They looked terrible.

Not so the next few pictures in which Glenn proudly displays the studs in his freshly pierced earlobes still red and a little swollen. He hid them from their dad with his long hair at first, then bought a pair of hideous hoops and made Felix braid his hair back. Their old man had a fit, spewing the coke he’d rewarded himself with after a long day at Blue Lions all over the kitchen table. Felix’s palms tingle at the memory, remembering the double high and low fives he and his brother gave each other at the prank.

There’s a few pages dedicated to Felix’s start at college and his subsequent rooming with Blaiddyd. Dimitri. Whatever. He looked younger, and it’s not just the fact that he _is_ younger on these photos, no, it’s the absence of trauma and the lack of something untamed and wild behind his eyes. Felix touches the pictures as if this would change anything or bestow him with knowledge on how to survive this evening. But if it’s in his ability, he will try to bring some of his old friend back into his life. Ultimately, what happens at dinner will clear a path for the future or bar it off for good.

Felix takes a few shaking breaths, then turns the page. There aren’t a lot filled-in pages left because Felix stopped caring after Glenn’s death. The diary wouldn’t be the same without him.

The next pages are filled with drawings, not well done but colorful, vivid, vibrant. Ah. He remembers. Before Glenn started working, he’d done two things: One, let Felix take a drag of a cigarette he rolled himself (“It’s so much cheaper,” he would say, as if money was ever a concern to them), smelling sickly sweet with the cannabis it was laced with. Glenn said he couldn’t do this anymore lest he risk his job.

Two, Glenn cut off a significant chunk of his hair. It was still longer than most men’s, reaching just past his shoulders. Of what had to go, he tied into a thick knot and handed it to Felix. He hadn’t known how to preserve it and then figured hair wouldn’t rot, so he’d put it in a plastic bag and taped that into his diary before he’d forget all about it a few years down the road. The sight of what he’d inadvertently kept safe all these years, and the last keep-sake Felix will ever see of Glenn, touch of him as he reaches into the bag, smell of him as he presses it close to his face, makes his eyes well up again.

As for his job, Glenn did not follow in their father’s footsteps much to his chagrin, and instead became a fireman. He became someone he always wanted to be, someone to help the cats on the trees and the grandmas who left their keys at home, and obviously, someone to rescue people left and right. In short, be the hero at the end of the day is what he always dreamed of being.

It would be his downfall, and Felix’s undoing.

* * *

_The day started off like any summer day that wants to define what that even was: Sunny, hot (for Faerghus, anyway), a soft breeze making it all bearable. Birdsong invited one to leave the relative coolness of the house, and shrubs and thickets full of ripe berry made sure one stayed. The lure, the enticement, the temptation, the simple_ pull _, they all played their part._

_Felix opened a window to air out the apartment he shared with Dimitri, the breeze streaming inside lifting the ends of his hair. Turning around, he found Dimitri had walked up to him, an open smile on his face. A comfortable warmth complementing the air around them flooded through Felix at the sight. “Want to go outside?” Dimitri asked, holding up the kitsch picknick basket he had bought because he’d lacked a sense of style—he still did._

_“Sure. You already packed it?”_

_“Yes! Even these vile chorizos you like so much.”_

_Felix snorted and rolled his eyes. “It’s called ‘spicy’, not ‘vile’.”_

_Dimitri shrugged, still smiling. “Suit yourself.” He nodded his head at the door. “You coming?”_

_“Let me just get changed, I’ll be right with you.” Felix watched Dimitri leave before grabbing a baggy tank top and shrugging out of the old shirt he wore—just as baggy, and a hand-me-down from Glenn like a good third of the clothes in his possession. If he’d wanted to, Felix would very well have been able to afford new ones, but he thought it a shame to throw away perfectly fine clothes simply because Glenn said he’d grown out of this band or that style._

_Inside the tank and a fresh pair of pants, Felix went to the bathroom to tie up his hair in front of the mirror. He didn’t give much of a shit about his appearance, but this didn’t keep him from hating it when a strand of hair stuck out in a weird place, or when it wasn’t tied evenly. He already knew a few strands would work themselves loose later despite his efforts._

_Even though he had applied some this morning already, Felix lathered his arms (and his nose—“Don’t forget the nose!” Dimitri always reminded him) in sunscreen. He picked up his sunglasses as well—another ugly thing Dimitri had bought at the thrift store—and, whistling, left in search of him._

_Dimitri stood leaning against the doorframe of their apartment, door already swung open, picknick basket in one hand and twirling the ring with his keys around a finger of the other. He did not get changed and still wore a t-shirt with a faded print doing nothing to hide the bulk of the muscles he still needed to grow into. “Ready?” he asked._

_“Did you pack anything to drink?”_

_“Oh, right.”_

_Shaking his head, Felix made for the kitchen and grabbed a six-pack from the fridge. Cool beads formed on the tins._

_“Want me to carry them?” Dimitri offered the hand he held his key ring in._

_“Nah, it’s fine.” Felix slipped into a pair of well-worn and equally well-loved sneakers._

_Dimitri made as if to go, then stopped, halfway over the threshold out of the apartment. “Did you close your window?”_

_“No one’s gonna scale three stories to get at my second-hand stuff, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”_

_Dimitri sighed. “And my stuff?”_

_Felix snorted. “You’d have to pay people to steal that. Pay them handsomely.”_

_Dimitri frowned. “That’s not nice.”_

_“See if I care.” Felix grinned at him and ducked under his arm to race down six flights of stairs, six-pack swinging in his hand. Where his free hand touched the wooden railings he imagined it to leave trails of smoke behind him. People milling about in front of the building stared once Felix reached outside, probably because of his unfashionable sunglasses and not the way he was laughing at his stupid race-car thoughts belonging to a three-year-old and not someone seven times that age._

_Dimitri emerged a good minute after him, still shaking his head at Felix’s words, or maybe his behavior. Well, part of the game was always to try and get under Dimitri’s thick skin. Felix had never seen him get angry, just frustrated, and he guessed he never would at this rate. After all, Dimitri resigned himself to sharing an apartment with him and dealing with his (and Glenn’s) antics twenty-four seven._

_“Where’ll we go?” Felix asked once Dimitri stepped up to him. No need to shout and attract more stares._

_“I was thinking the park?”_

_“Fhirdiad State?”_

_“No, the mountain park. There are more quiet places off-road where we could dine in peace.”_

_“Okay. Just stop speaking like there’s a broom sticking out of your ass.”_

_“Language, Felix.”_

_“I know the bristle end isn’t the one peeking out.” Dimitri frowned, his brow furrowing, but that was all the reaction Felix got to tease out of him. Instead of saying anything more, Dimitri started walking, and Felix fell into step beside him. “Did you already work through the homework from Economics?”_

_“Yes, of course.”_

Of course. _“Can you help me with problem 4 later?”_

_“Sure. What are you struggling with?”_

_“The formula just doesn’t make any sense. I went through the slides again, and found out that Essar is a little stupid and kept his personal notes in, and he always puts the solutions there.”_

_“Are you cheating?” Felix looked over to Dimitri to see him scowl._

_“No! I meant it’s a good way to find out if you solved the problem correctly, but if I can’t make sense of his stupid formulas, then I know I’ll fail the exam.”_

_“Yes, that’s true I suppose… I’ll try my best to explain this evening, then. Or do you have anything planned?”_

_“Nope.” Felix gave Dimitri’s shoulder a squeeze. “Thanks.”_

_Dimitri’s free hand twitched. He lifted it to gingerly, uncertainly tap around Felix’s waist, then retracted it again. Dimitri didn’t speak up again and Felix felt comfortable in silence, content with just watching other people go about their day and listening in to their conversations like a spy or a secret agent—he had loved playing that with his brother when he was younger: Filch out other spies, especially ones from outer space. So Felix did just that this lovely summer day, feigning nonchalance while he learned the most unbelievable bullshit to mix and match with snippets of his memory to compose an action movie in his head._

_While the mountain park was about half an hour’s walk away from their apartment, it didn’t feel as long getting there. The only proof Felix had of time passing as such was his sweat soaked up by the threads of his tank. “Let’s cut through the woods,” he said when he saw Dimitri wanted to climb the gravel path that didn’t offer any shade._

_Dimitri stopped and turned. Felix nodded his head to the side, off to where a man-made trail wound itself through the first shrubs leading into a thicker undergrowth. “The trees may offer us shade,” Dimitri said in an agreeing tone and changed direction._

_“Damn right they may.” Felix went after him, the trail not wide enough for two grown men, mindful to avoid being scratched by branches poking across the track. A squirrel wound its way through the ever-thicker trees and Felix pointed. “Look!”_

_Dimitri stopped for a moment, eyes following the line of Felix’s finger. His face broke out in a grin. “Oh, a friend!”_

_Felix snorted. The squirrel’s bushy tail disappeared up an oak. “Your friends shouldn’t be frightened by you.”_

_“We could come up with a name for it.” Dimitri started walking again, Felix following him down the trail._

_“Saints, you know I’m_ terrible _at naming anything.”_

_“You can be creative if you try. I saw you paint.”_

_“That was a mistake. And painting is not the same as giving a fucking squirrel a name like it’s your baby.”_

_“Language, Felix.”_

_“The point still stands.” Dimitri sighed and let it go. Felix watched his back, the way Dimitri had to duck away or shield his face from low-hanging branches, how his shoulder blades moved under his shirt, and then with what ease he carried the picknick basket. Felix’s own arm had started to hurt even before they’d reached the park, and he kept passing the six-pack from one hand to the other. “Take the path branching off to the left. We should get to a clearing that way.”_

_“You always know the best places,” Dimitri said even though he didn’t know exactly where they would end up at. Blind faith, they called it._

_“Glenn and I just go exploring a lot. You should tag along more often.”_

_“I accompany you frequently already.”_

_“You pass us up about three times out of four. That’s not often.”_

_Although Felix could only see Dimitri’s back, he could picture him rolling his eyes easily. It was evident in his voice. “I may have solved problem 4 in Economics, but that doesn’t mean I can afford to skip my studying sessions all the time.”_

_“I don’t know if this is a compliment, like I still pass despite not studying my ass off—”_

_“Language, Felix.”_

_“—or if you’re criticizing me for not studying as much as you.”_

_“I’m not criticizing you. I guess I’m just envious.” Dimitri, Felix on his heels, cut through the last trees and arrived at the sun-kissed clearing. The spot was surrounded by patches of wood on three sides, the south side bordering on a fenced-off plot of land overgrown with weeds._

_Felix dropped the six-pack in the middle of the clearing, next to where Dimitri placed the picknick basket and was spreading a blanket. “Of what?”_

_Dimitri turned around to face Felix. His eyes were dark and glistening with earnestness. “Your street smarts. You’re aware I’m not exactly a bookish person, and unlike you I don’t even have said street smarts to back me up.”_

_“You know what, Dima, you’re not stupid, but you’re still a fool if you believe a little adventuring makes me somehow wiser.” Felix gave Dimitri’s shoulder another squeeze and a smile on top of that, then sat down a little too hard on the blanket. “Let’s ‘dine’.”_

_“Yes.” Dimitri sat down across from Felix and leaned back on his hands. “It’s really beautiful here.”_

_“It’s quiet. I don’t like it when there’s always people around.”_

_“Yes, a little privacy is nice. But it’s not just quiet, it’s tranquil.” Dimitri looked up at the sky and frowned. “There weren’t any clouds when we left, were there?”_

_Felix followed Dimitri’s gaze. Puffy white cumulus clouds hovered across the otherwise intact blue. “No. But I like these. You can make out stuff in them.” Grabbing the chorizos from the stuff Dimitri had packed, Felix laid on his back to watch the clouds drift past. The sunglasses made him nearsighted somehow, so Felix removed them and placed them next to the picknick basket._

_Dimitri hesitated with the reeking Gautier cheese in hand—Felix didn’t need to look to identify that odeur terrible—before lying down next to him, head close to his. “Let’s try to identify some shapes.”_

_“How can you eat that_ raw _? It stinks to high heaven.”_

_“With my mouth.”_

_“Smart-ass.”_

_“Language, Felix.”_

_Felix chuckled, then bit off part of the chorizo in his hand. With the remaining end, he pointed at one of the clouds. “This one looks like a scorpion. See the stinger?”_

_“Do they have claws like crabs?”_

_“Yes? Pretty sure they have pincers.”_

_Dimitri shuddered. “Just be glad it’s too cold in Faerghus for them to thrive here.”_

_“Maybe you could still get one as a pet—”_

_“Stop it! Let’s just find more pleasant shapes now.”_

_Felix laughed. “Mhm. It’s your turn anyway.”_

_“Okay. Hmmm…” Dimitri took long enough for Felix to work his way through half his chorizo. “See the one over to the right?” He pointed. “It sort of looks like a potato.”_

_“They all vaguely look like potatoes.”_

_“And the one next to it looks like a garden gnome.”_

_Felix choked from laughing and sat up coughing. Using a little too much force, Dimitri thumped him on his back (and almost knocked him over) in an effort to help him. “Holy shit, Dima. Other people see animals and, you know,_ normal _things in the clouds. Say, a house or a car. Not a creature of nightmares.”_

_“I’d argue you’re the one who isn’t normal. Garden gnomes are cute.”_

_“They’re creepy. Like dolls. Or puppets. Crawled right out of the uncanny valley.”_

_Dimitri turned his head to give Felix an incredulous look. “Do people really think that?”_

_“Did you grow up under rock?” Felix laughed. “Why else do you think people get freaked out by clowns or zombies?”_

_“Since when do people think clowns are terrifying?” Dimitri laid back down, head resting in Felix’s lap. He didn’t just sound doubtful anymore, no, now disappointment as well as curiosity mingled in his voice, too._

_“They just look… unsettling. Fake. Like they’re pretending to be human but aren’t actually.”_

_“Are_ you _afraid of clowns?”_

_“Nah. I think they’re a little overdone in pop culture at the moment.” Felix shrugged. “Like vampires were ten years ago. There’s just this oversaturation.”_

_“We could analyze the situation, identify trends.”_

_“Don’t make this about school. I’m not in the mood for analyses right now.” Felix rummaged through the picknick basket and found grapes. “Please tell me you bought the seedless ones.”_

_“I did. And they’re grown in Faerghus, not imported, so they should taste watery and not too sweet.”_

_“Good.” Felix popped one into his mouth. Faerghus grapes were the best and totally unlike the cloying, small ones from the south ends of Adrestia or the Alliance. “Want some, too?”_

_“Please.”_

_Plucking a grape from the bunch, Felix pushed it against Dimitri’s lips and then watched him chew. “I’d want to rinse that cheese taste from my mouth as well.”_

_Dimitri’s eyebrows drew down. “I could say the same about your sausages.”_

_“I guess we both have shitty taste.”_

_“Language, Felix.”_

_“Shut up.” Felix shoved another grape into Dimitri’s mouth before treating himself to another as well. He opened himself a beer and with his free hand brushed Dimitri’s hair away from his forehead. “It’s always looks so messy.”_

_“What does?”_

_“Your hair.”_

_“So does yours. I always want to reach out and tuck the loose strands behind your ears.” One of his hands resting across his belly twitched. Dimitri raised it to follow his own instructions. “Like this.”_

_Felix’s skin tingled where Dimitri’s fingers had just touched it. He knew he was smiling like an idiot, and Dimitri mirrored his expression back at him. To make it go away, Felix continued feeding him grapes._

_And so they spent the early afternoon hours bleeding into the later ones. The sky darkened with thicker clouds and the breeze transformed into a gale._

_Dimitri, having taken a nap on Felix’s lap, opened his eyes and blinked up at the sky. “It looks like it’s going to storm.”_

_“And rain. Wanna go home?”_

_“Yes, let’s.” Pushing up onto his elbows, Dimitri wonkily got to his feet and held out a hand for Felix, which he grabbed to let himself be heaved up. Together they scooped up their trash and the blanket, checking the clearing one last time for any items they might have forgotten, and headed back through the trail in the woods. “Do you think it’s going to be bad?”_

_“I just want to close my window in time.” It wouldn’t do for Felix if his room got flooded while the storm took his homework with it._

_“We should have checked the forecast.”_

_“Can’t help it now. And it’s not like it’s ever accurate.”_

_Dimitri sighed but stayed otherwise quiet._

_The first fat droplets of water came crashing down when they re-emerged from the woods. “Fuck.”_

_“Lang—”_

_“Shut up.” No other people were around anymore which at least gave Felix the option of making for a mad dash home without this turning into an obstacle course. Dimitri was thankfully right on his heels, seeing as he was the one with the keys. Felix did not want to scale the three stories to his room himself. This did not, however, prevent the rain from turning into a deluge. Felix’s chest started to hurt after about three-fourths of the way, and the soles of his feet pumped against the soaked-through, squeaky insides of his shoes. Everything lit up for a split-second before a drum of thunder roared behind him and made his heart jump. “Aw, come_ on _!” Felix ran even faster._

_When they finally arrived, both him and Dimitri were soaked to the bones. Felix’s side hurt with stitches, and he held it as if that would make them go away. Dimitri gave no outward sign of suffering, pushing the key into the lock with a steady hand. Another bellow of thunder sounded, this time even closer to the lightning flash. Dimitri said, “It’s getting nearer.” Felix slipped inside and had already taken off his shoes by the time Dimitri unlocked the door to their apartment. Rain splattered into his room until he banged the window shut. “I did tell you to close it before we went.”_

_“I said, ‘Shut up’.” Felix peeled off his tank and took the state of his room into account. Nothing of note looked to have been damaged, but he needed to sweep the floor and sort through the mess of paper sheets blown through the room. No time like the present. After toweling himself off as best he could, Felix fixed his room to the ever faster beat of thunderclaps. The house shuddered several times, and Felix’s ears began to pop after a few minutes._

_“You don’t think it’s going to strike?” Dimitri appeared in Felix’s doorway._

_“Don’t tempt fate.” Felix finished his sweep just as the whole house shook in time to another deafening roar of thunder. Clamping his hands over his ears, he went down hard to the floor, butt first._

_Dimitri was already by his side and helping him up. “Are you all right?”_

_Felix’s eyes slid to the closest power socket. In the relative dark, small sparks were visible dancing around in them. “Oh fuck.”_

_“What?” Dimitri said—at least that’s what Felix read from his lips, because just then another boom of thunder sounded._

_“It_ struck _!”_

_“The house?”_

_“I think so!” Felix’s mind fumbled for the things Glenn had told him, the checklist of signs of a house struck by lightning. Sparks in the sockets? He’d already checked. Power outage? Better not try and turn anything on. “Does the fridge still work? Can you check?”_

_“I’ll be right back.” Humming or buzzing sounds? Felix closed his eyes in an attempt to make out anything among the recurring thunderclaps, the ringing in his ears, and the heartbeat in his head. He thought he heard a low hum. Oh shit. Dimitri came back. “No. At least the light in the fridge doesn’t work.” Oh fuck._

_“Let’s get the fuck out of here.” Felix grabbed for the shirt he’d worn this morning and yanked it on as he exited into the house’s stairway. It smelled faintly of smoke there. Other people were passing him, hurrying down from the top-most units, some frantic, some shouting. He joined the throng, letting himself be swept outside and back into the downpour._

_All the warmth the day had held had been washed away. Felix’s teeth started to chatter because stupid him was still barefoot. He stopped his flight from the house on the other side of the street, turned around, and looked up. Thick, black smoke rose from the attic, bright orange flames licking at the dark sky._

_“Dima?” Felix spun around. He couldn’t see him anywhere. “Dimitri!” People turned to give Felix distressed stares. Fuck. Hadn’t Dimitri been right behind him when Felix fled the house? Felix couldn’t remember. Last he saw him, he was still in the apartment. Hadn’t he heard Felix? He must surely have realized something was amiss. Then why wasn’t he here?_

_Felix crossed back to the other side of the street. He knew going back inside would be irresponsible and reckless, so he clung to the fading hope Dimitri would run out of the house towards him. No such luck. Felix looked up to his window. It was still closed. So were all the others. Dimitri wasn’t standing behind any of them._

_Sirens approached. Someone a little more sensible than Felix had called the fire department. He fumbled for his own phone—perhaps he could reach Dimitri that way—and realized he had left it inside._

_It took the firetrucks forever to arrive. A fireman Felix didn’t know jumped out of the vehicle closest to him. “Get over to the other side, please,” he said._

_Felix searched the faces, his eyes finally settling on Glenn’s. He ran over to him instead of getting to safety. “Glenn!” he called. His lungs hurt. Had he inhaled that much smoke?_

_“Felix!” Relief painted a smile on Glenn’s features. “Oh gods, when we got the call_ your _house is on fire I—”_

_“Dima’s still inside!”_

_The relief was replaced by shock. “Are you sure?”_

_“I can’t find him anywhere. I_ thought _he was right behind me but—” Felix swallowed around the lump forming in his throat._

_Glenn patted his shoulder. Neither this gesture nor his words made him feel any better. “We’re gonna go inside and get everyone out. He’ll be fine. Maybe needs to go to the hospital, he may have inhaled too much smoke— He was fine when the lightning struck?”_

_“Yes!”_

_“Good. He’ll still be fine. You have your phone?”_

_“No, or I would’ve tried to reach Dimitri!”_

_Glenn turned around to one of his colleagues and nodded at them. He reached into one of his jacket’s pockets and, without looking at him, handed Felix his phone. “This is against protocol but, yeah, I took it with me. Call Dad. I don’t want you to be alone. And cross the street, please.”_

_Felix fumbled with Glenn’s phone. The code to unlock it was still the same. A gentle nudge at his back made him go back to the other side of the street._

_The phone rang for almost a minute until their old man picked up. “Glenn?” he said, voice slightly distorted. “I’m very busy right now. There’s been a blackout—”_

_“It’s me,” Felix said._

_“Where’s Glenn?”_

_“The house was struck by lightning. It’s burning. Dimitri’s still inside.” His voice was trembling as badly as his hands. His throat constricted. “Glenn’s about to go in, too.”_

_“Oh fuck.”_

_“Can you come over? I think I’m having a panic attack.”_

_“I’ll be there in ten. I’ll have to brief Lambert, too.” With that, his father hung up._

_Felix gave in to his shaking legs and sat down. The first ambulances arrived now and readied themselves for the worst with a matter-of-fact efficiency Felix admired. He called Dimitri, too, but he didn’t pick up._

_Time crawled. It felt like an hour had passed until the black, sleek sports car rounded the corner and his dad as well as Dimitri’s very distressed one got out. Felix stood up, legs wanting to give out under him, and watched them stride toward him. “Are they still inside?” Lambert asked, voice loud and sure like he was in command even though he looked anything but._

_“Yes. I—”_

_Lambert continued onward, crossing the street and marching towards the burning building._

_“Lambert, stop!” Rodrigue called after him. He didn’t dare do more than cross the street, giving up and returning to Felix when Lambert kept going. “I fear he’s going to push his way through.”_

_“I’m scared,” Felix said, sitting down again and wrapping his arms around his knees. He couldn’t take this._

_“Do you want to wait in the car? It’s not rain—”_

_“No.”_

_Sighing, Rodrigue sat down next to him. “I’m soaked through already as well.”_

_“I wish the rain would put the stupid fire out.”_

_“Do you know why Dimitri didn’t get out?”_

_“I told him to! I trusted him to.” Felix swallowed around the lump in his throat that made breathing a labor. “I thought he was right behind me but he wasn’t.”_

_“He will get out.”_

_Felix wished he was as sure about it as his father. While he didn’t miss how Rodrigue had phrased it in the active voice—it would be Dimitri who got out, not someone else who would carry him—it was not as reassuring as he’d made it out to be. Felix also didn’t miss how Glenn had gone in quarter an hour ago and not returned yet, when Dimitri should be, at the worst, three stories up and a minute away from the front door._

_No, instead, Felix witnessed how Lambert advanced on the house like he had every reason to be there, pushing emergency personnel away like he was_ their _boss and not only Blue Lions’s. With no one able nor willing to stop the man, Lambert strode inside and vanished._

_Felix took a shuddering breath when someone finally came out of the house for once. “It’s not Glenn,” Rodrigue said. Despite the person wearing a full-body uniform and the distance of about ten meters between the burning house’s entrance and the place where he and Felix were sitting, Felix had to concede that his old man’s assertion was correct. The gait was wrong. It couldn’t be Glenn._

_“What’s taking them so long?”_

_“I don’t know.”_

_Three more people—a fireman, a woman, and her baby—came out. “If they can evacuate others, why can’t they hurry up with Dimitri and his dad?”_

_Rodrigue sighed heavily. “I don’t—”_

_“And why aren’t they putting out the damn fire?”_

_“I don’t know, Felix.”_

_“I’m going over. I can’t take this.” Felix rose to his shaky feet._

_Rodrigue was up in a flash, hand firm on Felix’s shoulder. “You’re not going anywhere. This is too dangerous.”_

_“I just want to ask what’s going on in there.”_

_“They won’t tell you, assuming they even know themselves.”_

_“How can they be so incompetent?” Felix curled his hands into fists, nails biting into the flesh of his palms._

_“No one is to blame for what’s happening. The firemen and paramedics are doing everything they can to help. And see?” Rodrigue pointed at the house, a fireman and a man on crutches emerging from its maw. “People_ are _being saved.”_

_“But not the_ right _people.”_

_“There’s no right and wrong. Every soul that’s being saved is worth it all.”_

_“How can you say this?” Felix jerked loose from his father’s grip, pointing at the house. “How can you say this when your son is in there? When your friend and his son are in there?”_

_“Calm down, Felix. Fretting over this is no use—”_

_“There’s something wrong in there. I know it. And you know what?” Felix grabbed the fabric of his shirt over his heart. “It fucking_ hurts _not being able to go and check and help.”_

_Rodrigue grimaced. “Don’t you think I don’t feel the same. But there’s nothing we can do right now.”_

_“I feel like shit only being able to watch. Like some spectator on a—on a show. Waiting for the trick to be revealed, waiting for some rando grabbing me from behind and shoving the hidden camera in my face.” Felix was gesturing so wildly that his old man took a step back, out of range._

_“While your anger is understandable, I want you to remember—”_

_Rodrigue never got to specify. There came another deafening crash, almost as terrible as the boom from the lightning striking the house, but deeper and taking longer to fade. The whole ground shook as Felix, frozen in horror, watched the house’s roof collapse. The screams and cries of the people surrounding him were nothing but a faint note in the white noise flooding his synapses._

_“No,” Felix whispered, then moaned. “No, no, no,” he said, a staccato rising from a shout to a roar._

_The following minutes would become a blur in his memories. He must have dashed back to the other side of the street, his father too slow to stop him this time. Paramedics—and policemen he couldn’t remember arriving—tried to stop his mad ambush, and then his old man did catch up to him and held him back by his waist. There was no way for them to make Felix give up even one millimeter of the ground he’d gained, so they did the next best thing and tried to reason with him. One of the paramedics was even ready to give him a shot of something._

_“—lix! Felix!” Rodrigue was calling from right behind him, shaking him by the shoulders now._

_“What?!” Felix snapped back. The red-and-black haze clouding his vision evaporated._

_“Calm down!” It was absurd. When Felix looked up into his father’s eyes, he saw the same urge to step in and_ act, goddammit _, emanating from them that he himself felt. And yet Rodrigue somehow kept his cool._

_“I_ am _calm,” Felix lied. His eyes flicked back to the house, still merrily burning. “The whole thing is going to come down, isn’t it?”_

_“We can’t know that for sure.” Ah. So his father’s optimism had either taken a dive or he finally admitted his true thoughts. Whichever it was, it was sobering. “Despite what you think, I’m anxious, too.”_

_Felix only gave a weak hum in response. Some of the firemen stationed outside finally got the hose to work and aimed at the fire eating its way through the remaining house. It must have come across something especially flammable and nourishing, because the water did jack shit. Another group of firemen were erecting a safety net. Huh. Someone was going to exit through a window. Making sure to keep an eye on the entrance to (or rather, exit from) the house, Felix focused on what was happening with the safety net._

_Nothing, at least not before the top-most floor collapsed in on itself. Again, there were the boom and crash, the debris scattering outside in a gray cloud, and the ensuing screams, dulled by the distance. Only now did Felix notice how acrid the smoke smelled, and he wondered if it had been so intense before as well. Numbness spread through Felix, along with a sickening feeling in his gut. He was right. The whole building would cave in on itself. Nauseous, he held his churning stomach and retched onto the paved path._

_There came more shouts from behind, so he looked back up. Someone bounced up from the safety net, clutching a bag to their chest. His father’s hand rested on Felix’s back. “I think it’s Dimitri,” Rodrigue said, quiet enough for it to be private, loud enough to carry over the noise all around them._

_Felix’s vision went blurry, or perhaps the rain or the smoke had taken care of that long before and he’d failed to notice. The way he’d just puked his guts out no one would expect him to make a dash for it. Felix was dizzy enough to doubt his own judgment, but still went for it. He had to see Dimitri, had to make sure he was okay, had to tell him he was the biggest imbecile in the world for staying behind, had to hug him and make sure his dad and Glenn would jump next._

_Paramedics stationed close to the net helped the man off—it was a man, and, coming closer, Felix could confirm it was Dimitri hugging a backpack to his chest. He was led away to an ambulance car._

_Pushing other people away from him, Felix reached Dimitri who was given a run-over by a paramedic. “—probably inhaled too much smoke.”_

_“Hey, Dima,” Felix said, and when Dimitri turned his pleading eyes on him, his own watered. “What were you thinking?!”_

_“I wanted to save the important things.” Dimitri’s voice came wheezing and weak, and Felix realized he had trouble breathing. “Our laptops and your diary. The photo albums. Everything that would be gone for good.” Dimitri coughed but caught himself. “I couldn’t find your phone.”_

_“It’s not important! Not as—”_

_“I know.” Dimitri’s whole body trembled. “I wanted to save the important things and I failed. I did the exact opposite.”_

_“What are you talking about?” Felix asked. Dimitri’s words made the hairs on his neck stand up. “You’re finally safe! That’s what’s impor—”_

_Another massive crash came, leaving Felix crouching on the ground with his hands clasped over his ringing ears. Someone dragged him away by the elbow, making him stumble and fall. He looked up again, waited for the debris to clear. Another floor had collapsed. The window Dimitri had leaped out of was no more._

_Glenn was still in there. Lambert, too. Trapped? Dead? Was this what Dimitri meant? Felix wanted to search his face for confirmation yet he wasn’t able to tear his eyes from the house. The agitated people around them, their frenzied screams, did nothing to cure the numbness spreading through Felix._

_Out of the corner of his eye he spotted desperate movement. Turning his head to check what was going on, Felix saw Dimitri pushing and shoving at people, forcing his way through the paramedics and steadily making progress towards the wreck of a house. Felix hadn’t even noticed him moving from his side._

_“No,” Felix rasped, legs finally coming back to life to propel him towards Dimitri’s rapidly receding back. The only reason he managed to catch up to him at all were all of the people trying to stop Dimitri’s mad assault. Reaching him, Felix wrapped his arms around him from behind as if that could make him stop._

_“It’s going to collapse,” Dimitri said, voice calm and still weak. He still pushed on, dragging the dead weight Felix tried to be with him._

_“Which is why you have to stay here, with me!”_

_“No, it’s why I need to go back in and help them.”_

_Felix’s throat closed up. There was the very real possibility that there was no one to save anymore. His arms faltered but then Rodrigue appeared and yanked Dimitri back hard enough to make him stumble backwards. “Don’t do this.”_

_“I’m not doing anything,” Dimitri bit back. Something dark was creeping into his voice, something Felix had never heard before coming from him._

_Rodrigue turned to Felix and asked, “I take it Glenn and Lambert—”_

_“They’re still inside. The floor that just collapsed…” Felix’s throat closed up._

_When the next floor came crashing down, Felix shielding both ears and eyes against noise and parts of the house coming down around him, the first thing he heard after the ringing stopped was a scream so desperate and savage that at first it didn’t register in his brain as Dimitri. Felix looked over to him, saw him fighting against Rodrigue’s restraining hold on him and make a grand total of two steps before the last floor caved in. Shards flew everywhere, some of them embedding themselves in the arm Felix drew up to shield his face._

_At first Felix thought his father must have born the brunt of it since he’d stepped in, back turned to the remains of the house, in an attempt to shield him and Dimitri. Then Dimitri whirled around and Felix saw the shard of glass, still attached to a piece of wood from the window frame it had once belonged to, sticking out of his right eye. His whole face was a mess, with cuts from the debris all over his body—and Felix would later find out he didn’t look much better despite his father’s efforts—but the eye made it all look inconsequential. A trickle of blood ran from it and mixed with the grime of ashes and soot and cinders, mirroring the other side of his face where a tear carved its way through the filth like a river._

_Dimitri licked his lips, running a hand through his hair and messing it up further. “I’ve really done it now, huh,” he said, tone too flat for it to be a question. His voice dropped lower than Felix had ever heard it before, and Dimitri started laughing in a way so repulsive it would echo in Felix’s nightmares for months._

_Felix threw up, stomach convulsing for more to shoot up because he’d already emptied it once._

_Rodrigue, snapping out of his shock, grabbed Dimitri by the shoulder. “Your eye is going to swell. You need to see a doctor immediately. Perhaps it can still be saved.”_

_Dimitri continued laughing. “What’s it matter,” he said, still in that too-even intonation. “My father… Glenn… They’re dead.” In a whisper, he added, “I can still hear them scream.”_

_“We can’t know that for certain,” Rodrigue said. “Not yet. Now come with me.” He had to drag Dimitri to make him move, and called for the paramedics, doctors, anyone, to help him._

_Felix was still frozen with shock, anguish, and disbelief at what had just happened. Something in him already knew that Dimitri was right, would be right—Glenn and Lambert were gone, buried in the ruins whose fire finally went out._

_The fire in him went out as well._

_And thus the day concluded like no summer day had any right to._

* * *

Of course the people they found buried under the remains of the house, including Glenn and Lambert, were dead, some lulled to sleep by the toxins in the air, others charred to crisps, and still others crushed by masonry and support beams. His old man would carry the burden that was Blue Lions on top of taking care of two traumatized young men, preaching about heroism and valiance like there was no tomorrow. It made Felix sick.

Eventually, Rodrigue succumbed to a heart attack way before he had any right to die too, and left said two traumatized young men to run the company that was the Blaiddyd family’s pride and joy. Felix liked to think that he was the only sane man then, that he got his shit together eventually, but he knows he’s been deceiving himself. He cancelled therapy after three sessions. His meds failed him, so he started to delude himself that he’s on the ‘high-functioning’ end of whatever freebie he got handed that summer evening. There are other ways to make himself feel somewhat better and more alive, he found, and he’s an addict and can’t let go of his icky habits, not really, he finds, as he’s rummaging through his bathroom shelf to get at his box of razor blades.

The worst thing about being ill is that Felix _knows_ he shouldn’t do this. It’s not the smart way. He’ll make no one proud, he’ll get that sinking feeling in his stomach again, perhaps even throw up from the disappointment at his lack of restraint. But cutting is like the cigs. He can leave it be for a month or two or half a year from one day to the next, and then he starts that shit all over again.

But that’s not important right now. Felix sits down on the closed toilet seat cradling the box, rips one of the blades out of its protective foil, and holds it pinched between his fingers with the sharp side angled away from him. He’ll draw only once, he tells himself. His fingers skirt up his left arm and push back the loose sleeve it hid in. Turning his wrist to face him, he traces his previous scars with his knuckles. His heartbeat comes faster and louder in anticipation.

Felix traps his tongue between his teeth and presses the razor’s edge against his skin, just past his latest additions from five months ago. The skin parts slowly, red droplets welling up, the cut itself burning, and Felix tries to drink in every second it lasts. He slits his arm one more time and another and just this one last time, breath coming short, lips curling upwards, vision going red with the blood that flows forth from his wounds. Only when Cat has the fucking audacity to walk in on him and meow him back to reality does Felix stop. Then his rush comes to an abrupt stillstand, the high dropping to a low so deep that he can’t keep from crying.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers at Cat, throat clogging up. “I fucked up.”

And how he did. Waves of shame and guilt wash over him, making it even harder to breathe down there at the bottom of his sea of despair. The arm Felix cut aches in time with his heartbeat. Nothing about this feels even the remotest bit of good anymore. And did it ever really?

Cat jumps up onto Felix’s legs and rolls herself up there, purring. “You know, I don’t like it when you read my mind, or my feelings, or whatever.” Tossing the bloody razor blade into the garbage can he keeps in the bathroom, Felix pats Cat’s head with his good hand. He doesn’t want to stain her with his blood.

The comfort this simple gesture provides doesn’t work wonders on him, but Felix admits to himself that cuddling Cat beats the self-harm big time. And yet he knows why he did it in the first place.

Sighing, he lets go of Cat. She jumps down and looks up at him. “Thanks,” Felix whispers with that still-groggy voice. “I need to get fixed up.”

Cat leaves. Felix turns on the shower, strips off his shirt, making sure he won’t ruin it by smearing his blood on it. Washing himself hurts, and he can’t put soap on his arm, but he can put ointment on it afterwards and bandage it up. After all, he wants to look the ‘high-functioning’ part this evening.

* * *

Dimitri Blaiddyd is already sitting at the table he reserved for them under his name, eye roving over the menu in his hands. His hair is different today, tied up in a messy knot more strands fall out of than are being kept in check by it. It does help to reveal more of his face, though. Felix gives a wry smile. He went with the opposite approach, letting his open hair fall into his face however much it pleases.

Clearing his throat, Felix says, “Hey.”

Blaiddyd looks up, a smile forming on his lips. “Hey. I’m glad you made it.” He gestures to the seat opposite him.

Felix takes the hint and, after draping his coat over the chair’s backrest, sits down. “How are you feeling? You were absent from work these past few days.”

“I had a relapse on Wednesday. I’m feeling better now, thank you.” Blaiddyd inclines his head. “What about you?”

“Not too different.”

“You’re dodging the question.”

Felix narrows his eyes. Why does usually dense Blaiddyd have to be perceptive today of all days? “I was thinking about _that_ day earlier, and it made me sick.”

Blaiddyd raises the eyebrow over his good eye. “I call you out and you cut right to the chase.”

“What do you want?” Felix rolls his eyes now. He takes the menu and gives it a quick read.

“If I get to pick, I like your direct approaches more.”

“Noted.”

“I was feeling… bad because of my memories, too. I still get these episodes.”

“I’m aware.” A waitress approaches and they both place their orders. When she turns her back and leaves, Felix speaks up again. “I take it we’re both talking about the same thing?” The _incident_.

“Yes…” Blaiddyd folds his hands on the table. “Instead of talking about the day itself, I’d like to take the chance and speak about what happened afterwards, or what happened because of it, instead.”

Felix swallows and is glad he can hide his growing distress behind the tonic the waitress brings him just this moment. “Go on.”

“I’m wondering: What makes you… treat me like this? Like I’m someone you don’t really know.”

Felix smiles bitterly. “Honestly? Because that’s what it feels like.” Blaiddyd studies him from behind his glass of water. Felix is the one to look away first. “You… _changed_.”

“Did I?” Blaiddyd rests his chin on his knuckles. “If you asked me, I’d say you’re the one who changed.”

“And I did. That day badly traumatized me.” Felix sets down his glass and leans back in his chair. He can’t back down now. “But it wasn’t only due to the… death. You’re responsible, too.”

“How so?”

Felix crosses his arms. “It was like someone flicked a switch in your head. You went from sweet boy to maniac with the snap of a finger.”

“Oh.” Blaiddyd looks down at the cutlery already placed on the table. “I thought you were going to blame me for your brother’s and my father’s deaths.”

“What?” Felix leans forward, brows furrowed. “What made you think I’d hold you responsible?”

“If I hadn’t stayed, then—”

“Glenn still would’ve gone in.”

Blaiddyd raises his head again and slowly relaxes into a more comfortable looking position. “This doesn’t change how I feel.” At Felix’s expectant expression he adds, “Guilty. For getting them killed.”

Sighing, Felix asks, “Did you summon the storm?”

“No?”

“Then it’s not your fault.”

“I still shouldn’t have stayed back.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. But you can’t change what you did, can you?” Felix sighs. “I’m glad you saved the things you did. I’d have lost all my school notes without you, and more importantly, my diary.” It gets harder to speak what with his throat clogging up again. Felix’s voice becomes feeble. “I looked at it today.”

“Do you still write in it?”

“No. I stopped after,” Felix opens his arms, “this.”

Blaiddyd nods once. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing for the wrong things.”

“Then what are the right things?”

“I told you. Your crazy side.”

The waitress comes back, this time loaded with the dishes he and Blaiddyd ordered. Blaiddyd waits for her to walk out of earshot before he asks, “What is it exactly that you find… disagreeable?”

Felix sticks his fork into his cutlet to begin cutting. “The way you laughed. It made me sick.” Risking a glance up, Felix sees Blaiddyd gesture for him to go on. “I had nightmares of that day, you know.”

“I did, too.”

“Did it feature your unhinged laugh? No? Thought so. Mine did. Do. Whenever they come back.” The food at this place tastes better than Felix would’ve thought, given Blaiddyd’s track record. He makes a mental note to come back here on his own and stake out the menu.

Sylvain would’ve been so proud of the stupid pun.

Felix swallows and hopes to quench the sudden fluttering in his chest. This isn’t about Sylvain.

“Then I want to apologize for crossing a line.”

“Better.”

“Why are you so hard on me?” If Felix didn’t know any better, he’d say Blaiddyd is sulking.

“It’s not just the one time you had to laugh with half a fucking window sticking out of your face.” Blaiddyd’s mouth draws into a thin line devoid of blood. Good. “It’s the way you keep rambling at nothing and no one. It’s like you have these arguments with yourself, or with another part of you, but not in your head.”

“It helps me think…”

“Well, all right, but it freaked me out when it happened for the first time. It’s like someone takes over in your head. Your eye glazes over, and you fix what’s left of your gaze on some effigy, and then you talk at it. And I am—and everyone else is—supposed to just… pretend this is normal?”

“I never said it was.”

Felix gives a half-shrug. “If it was only talking, then, okay, I can deal with it. I’ve had my episodes, too.”

“You had?”

“You realize that sometimes you yell—no— _scream_ at nothing but air? Your voice gets this… undertone. Like a growl. Like an animal.”

Blaiddyd swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing visibly. “I thought I was getting better…”

“And you— Wait. Did you just imply you’re tuning out whenever you have one of these… episodes?”

“Sometimes I can’t remember anything afterwards.”

Felix takes a deep breath. “Then how does it help you think?”

“It…” Blaiddyd’s eye travels all over the room they’re sitting in until it finally settles on Felix. It glazes over somewhat. Felix can’t hold the gaze and redirects his to the food on his plate. “It calms me. My head’s clearer afterwards. Then I can think.”

“Okay…”

“My therapist helps me greatly. So does Dedue. I’m glad I have people who look after me.” Felix can feel Blaiddyd’s now clear eye bore into him, and he looks up to check. Yep, he was right. “I’m not asking you to do the same. But I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t want to be friends again. We see each other almost every day yet there’s this chasm…”

Felix takes his time chewing. He can see two options outlined for him: Either he tells Blaiddyd the truth and gets to the crux of the matter, or he clenches his tail between his legs and keeps playing at being his lapdog, jumping at his every whim. The first time he spoke up against Blaiddyd not too long ago didn’t exactly play out in the best possible way, but Felix didn’t have to face a single of the repercussions he feared. And really, why should Blaiddyd punish him? They used to be close, so _close_ , after all… and Blaiddyd does remember this. He even wants it back, in some form.

“You scare me.”

There. Felix said it.

“Oh?”

“You’re unpredictable. Sometimes I think you don’t see me as a person.”

“I dissociate from time to time.” Blaiddyd sighs. “It’s the same with the voices, with my personality, with my memory lapses… It feels like everything around me is not real. Kind of like I’m on the Truman Show: Everyone just pretends and I’m the only one who’s genuine.”

“Is this… official? I mean, do you have a diagnosis?”

Blaiddyd sighs. “That is mainly what my trauma has led to, and I’m sorry if it impacts you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I want to show you that I am able to lead my life on my own. I want to show you that I’m no one to be afraid of.”

“I’ll… need to think about this.”

“That’s all I can ask for.” Blaiddyd—no, Dimitri—manages a weak smile. He’s obviously not happy with the outcome.

“We could… ease each other in, so to speak. Start with something easy. Like the movies or so.”

The smile blooms into a grin. “I like the sound of that!”

Something tugs Felix’s lips upwards a tiny bit. “Don’t get overexcited. I sure as hell aren’t.”

“You would use to be, back in the day.”

“It’s like you said. I changed too.”

“Would you like to talk about it?”

“Honestly? I don’t know.” Felix’s eyes flick to the side. “I made a new friend. He said I should talk to someone about this, and I’d feel most comfortable with you. I mean, you at least know what triggered this change.”

“Mhm.”

“You know I started going to therapy, too. My old man made me.” Felix clears his plate now before he’ll make himself feel too sick to. “I ditched it after the first month. Went and blew the money on other things. I never went back.”

“Not even now? I mean your father’s been de—”

“No. Like I implied, I don’t feel comfortable talking with people about it who weren’t there. I hate reiterating it all and reliving this day. I did today, and…” Felix takes a shuddering breath. “Let’s just say it wasn’t the smartest thing.”

“Did something happen?”

“I’m…” Another shuddering breath. Eyes squeezed shut. Here goes nothing. “I think I’m depressed.” There. He said it. Or rather, pressed it out between trembling lips that wanted to stay shut, voice grating as his vocal cords scraped against the lump in his throat.

“What makes you think that?” Dimitri sounds concerned.

Felix fiddles with he cuffs of his dress shirt. “Some days I don’t feel anything. Certainly not alive.” He risks a look up. Dimitri not only sounds concerned, he looks the part, too, what with his face all scrunched up. “I have hardly any motivation to get up in the mornings apart from my job and my cat.”

“You have a cat?”

Why is this the thing everyone latches onto? “Yeah.” The waitress returns, taking the cleared plates away and promising to provide them with extra beverages. Felix watches her go. While the nook Dimitri picked does offer a certain amount of privacy, talking about himself in a public place where everyone could potentially overhear him isn’t great. “She would die if I didn’t get up so I guess I have to.”

Dimitri’s frown gets even more pronounced. “This isn’t healthy.”

Felix gives a weak grin with no humor in it. “You don’t say.”

“And this has been going on since the incident?”

“Yes, more or less. Some days it’s easier, others it’s harder.” A beer arrives for him, and a refill for Dimitri’s glass of water. Felix takes a sip. “I have since developed some ways to cope.”

Dimitri narrows his eye. “Like what?”

“Oh, you know. Smoking.”

“How many times have I told you to stop?” Dimitri sighs. He raises one of his hands to his forehead as if he’s dealing with the first symptoms of a headache.

“I have stopped. And then picked the cigs up again.” Felix gives a weak shrug. “I can’t let go of them. But they help calm me down.”

“If you want to, we can try and look for another way for you to deal with your illness together.”

“It’s not just that, you know.” Here goes part two. Felix steels himself with another deep breath. “I’m stressed out from work. I feel like I’m going to burn out eventually.”

“Ah. We talked about this already, haven’t we?”

Felix nods. “And it sucks either way, you know? I keep catching myself wanting at the very least to check my mails when I’m home, especially on the weekends. When I make myself not work and block the company calls on my phone, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.”

Dimitri looks uncomfortable. “I see,” he whispers.

“I started working out again although the snow makes it hard to run outside. And I was thinking of buying some novels and kill time reading.” Felix finishes his beer.

“Is that how you think about it?”

“Hm?”

“As ‘killing time’?”

“Usually.”

“I hope you’re able to regain some enjoyment from doing these things.”

“I hope so, too. My new friend, he helps me gain perspective.”

“Does he know what’s up?”

Felix shakes his head. “No. But he motivates me to try out these things. Even if this won’t work out, I at least won’t feel bored out of my mind.”

“Okay…”

Saints. Dimitri looks so distressed that it’s making Felix uncomfortable, too. He wishes he could take everything back and pretend that he was doing fine and that he loved his job. “So, uh, can you maybe recommend me a book? Can be anything.”

“Well, I don’t read a lot. My eye usually hurts in the evenings from the daily strain of being… the only eye.” Great. Felix isn’t dodging a single faux pas, making sure to step into each and every one of them instead.

“Sorry, I… didn’t think of that…”

“I do listen to audiobooks from time to time, though. If you want to, I can try and find out how to lend them to other people.” Dimitri smiles ruefully. “Computers, technology… You know how it is.”

Finally something akin to a real smile blooms on Felix’s face. “I know how it is with _you_.”

Leaning back in his chair, Dimitri crosses his arms and rolls his eye. “I don’t get you tech-savvy young’uns.”

Felix snorts. “You make yourself sound like you’re way past your prime.”

“Maybe I am.”

“You do realize you’re only two months older than me? How does this make me a ‘young’un’, you geezer?”

“I think you just invalidated your own argument.”

“Nah, I’m fine with being perceived as old.” Felix leans farther forward and rests his chin on his hand. This bickering is familiar, and it feels so natural to just fall back into it despite… everything. Probably because he missed it.

“Who does that?” Dimitri frowns.

“Oh, mainly I myself. I slacked off a lot in these past few years, and I’m paying the price now. No stamina, no power. I started working on that, too, though.”

“That’s good. I hope you’ll continue.”

“You should know how hard it is.” Felix leans back again as does Dimitri. He’d have liked for them to go on like they used to for a little longer, but the fact that Felix didn’t count on it at all shows how slim a chance this was in the first place. It makes the moment all the more precious, and Felix hates how he doesn’t feel like he can properly cherish it. Perhaps he can tickle another moment like this out of his and Dimitri’s future interactions, though…

“I do.” Another rueful smile crosses Dimitri’s face. “I wish this never happened…” Waving the waitress back to their table, he pulls out his wallet.

“But it did, and we have to live with the consequences.”

“Yes, you’re right of course. I’m glad, however, that we took the chance to speak. I feel like my pain is finally mending somewhat.”

“You’re hurting?”

“On the inside… It’s bad enough to be plagued by this guilt of surviving when your brother and my father didn’t. But then you changed, too, Felix, and some days I felt like we haven’t ever been friends in the first place.”

Ouch. The lump is back in Felix’s throat, and he does his best to swallow around it. “I think we’re both fools.” He barks a wry laugh. “We should’ve confided in each other from the start.”

“Yes. I’m glad we’re finally starting to see this.” The waitress arrives and Dimitri hands her his credit card.

Felix waits until the waitress leaves them with the receipt to nod. “Thanks for… inviting me here, and for the chance to talk. I know I said I wasn’t looking forward to it, and today was a fuckwad of a day until,” he shrugs, “I don’t know. I’m grateful we both didn’t beat around the bush.”

“I’m feeling better now, too.” Dimitri offers a smile and Felix gives the best one he can manage in return. “Will you be my friend and my confidant again?”

“As well as I can.”

“I’ll try my best as well.”

“Thanks. Just don’t expect me to rush headlong into this. I need to take it slow.”

“Yes, I understand.” Dimitri stands up, and Felix follows his lead, pulling on his coat as Dimitri wraps his scarf around his neck and hides most of his frame in the cloak he insists on wearing in the winter months. He slides a pair of sleek gloves on as well. “Can we shake hands on it?”

“You’re still awkward as ever.” Felix offers his hand, stumbling in surprise when Dimitri pulls him forward into a hug. Reluctantly, Felix wraps an arm around him and pats him on the back. Once. There’s still people all around them. “Asshole,” he mutters against Dimitri’s chest, remembering a beat too late that Dimitri is still his boss.

“Language, Felix,” Dimitri says just loud enough for Felix to hear. It draws a chuckle out of him. “Let me walk you out.”

“What am I, your call girl?” Felix wriggles out of Dimitri’s arms and makes for the door.

Dimitri easily falls into step beside him. Curse his late growth spurt. “Wouldn’t you be my call _boy_? Or did I—”

“How don’t you know what a call girl is?”

“Well, what is it?”

“A woman you call, make an appointment with, take out to dinner to flash before your friends, and then you take her home to have sex with her.”

“A prostitute?!”

“Don’t shout that through the whole restaurant!” Felix rushes outside and power-walks over to his car, only turning around once he’s certain he can exit this scene in a flash if he needs to. Dimitri is right behind him. “Yes, a prostitute.”

Dimitri’s face contorts: eyebrows raised, mouth agape, eye huge and dark. “You’re selling your body?”

“How the fuck did you arrive at that conclusion?” Felix rolls his eyes, hand rummaging around his coat. He finds his pack of cigs and shakes one out. “Want one, too?”

“No, I don’t smoke.”

“Smart move.” Felix’s lighter is nearing its death, taking a few times until the flame catches. He watches the gears in Dimitri’s head work until his eye lights up again.

“I think I get it now.” The smile is back on Dimitri’s face. “You don’t like me being a gentleman.”

Felix snorts, smoke blowing from his nostrils. “I just don’t like being treated like I’m weak or helpless and can’t get anything done by myself.”

“Which includes walking someone out?”

“Mhm. What if some robber springs me in the ten strides it takes to go from the door to my car?” Felix gestures with the hand holding the cigarette, the burning end leaving a yellowish trail in the dark.

“You’d kick his behind.”

“Damn right I would.”

Dimitri sighs. “I just thought it’d be a friend thing to do.”

“Maybe it is. I wouldn’t know.”

Dimitri opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again, furrowing his brows. His eye unfocuses. Ah, the gears are turning again. When he comes back to this plane of existence, Dimitri asks, “Do you have anything planned for the rest of the weekend?”

Gods above and below, Felix positively abhors this question. “No.”

“Okay, then use the time to rest.” What is Dimitri, Felix’s dad?

Suppressing the urge to roll his eyes, Felix mutters, “I will.” His cigarette’s smoked up and he lets it fall to the ground, digging his heel into it. “I’ll be going then.”

“You can’t leave the cigarette butt like this! It’s pollution.”

Now he rolls his eyes. “Thanks for the tip, Captain Planet.” Felix picks the crushed cigarette up and makes a point of walking over to the nearest public garbage bin to dispose of it. “Happy now?” he asks when he gets back.

Dimitri smiles. “Yes.” He raises an arm and Felix is ready to duck away from another hug, but Dimitri only pats his shoulder. “Have a nice weekend. I’d like to schedule a meeting on Friday afternoon regarding the video ad.”

Great. Work. “All right. Make sure Ashe Ubert is there as well.”

“Is he a great asset?”

Felix shrugs and Dimitri finally removes his hand. “I tasked him with something to turn in on Wednesday. He makes a competent enough impression.”

“Dedue is enthused to be working with him. How long does his trial period last?”

“Two weeks, so it ends on Friday.”

“What does he say to the job?”

“He likes it. If I’m satisfied with the results he turns in on Wednesday, I’m making sure he’ll be hired.”

“Good. Have Staff draw up a contract for him.”

“I will.”

“And have a nice weekend.” Dimitri smiles.

Felix can’t quite manage to return it this time. Well, he’s smiled enough already. “You, too.”

“I’ll be in touch.” Dimitri is still smiling but turns his back to presumably leave for his own ride home. Can he even drive a car with only one eye? A sunken feeling spreads in Felix’s stomach. He never bothered to find anything out. Stifling a sigh, he gets into his car and drives off.

* * *

“Look what I got you,” Felix says when Cat welcomes him home, rubbing her whole body against his legs. She makes getting out of his boots a hassle. Still on his knees, Felix rummages through his groceries and presents Cat with the most expensive and exclusive premium cat food he was able to find on short notice. “For being a friend when I needed one.” Cat sniffs on the tin. What Felix didn’t tell her—and hell, he’s going senile, talking to his pet—is that, securely wrapped in a few layers of foil Cat apparently can’t smell it through, he brought her catnip as well to get high on tomorrow. Carrying the groceries into the kitchen, Felix fills her bowl with the whole tin’s contents. “Don’t leak I’m going soft.” With the way she’s stuffing her face, Felix supposes Cat won’t go behind his back anytime soon.

After stowing most his purchases and locking the catnip away for now, Felix crosses over to his bathroom. He’s tired as fuck. He’d not only done the weekend groceries, he also went to a damned bookstore and bought, because that’s what his stupid fucking crush likes, the The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Or, like the clerk kept insisting, the The Lord of the Rings _novels_ because Tolkien never intended them to be split into three parts.

He’ll start on them tomorrow. The books aren’t as thick as Felix expected them to be what with all the hype and attention they received, but to someone whose last read novel lies far enough in the past to be clouded by misremembrance, they appear as massive as bricks.

Oh, and thinking of his stupid fucking crush, Felix realizes he neglected to check his phone the whole day. Fuck. Sylvain said he’s stay home and now it’s barely half past eight, Felix gets changed and brushes his teeth and is ready to fall into bed and sleep like the dead. He can’t do this to Sylvain. He wants to impress, not disappoint. That’s why he bought these novels in particular.

Grabbing his phone, Felix slides under his covers. He ignores the messages Sylvain sent up to now to text.

**Felix:** I’m sorry for not speaking with you earlier today. I wasn’t in a good mood. And now I’m dead tired

**Sylvain:** Hey ur back!!

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Uh good night then. Sleep well

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** Let’s talk

**Sylvain:** Ok so

**Sylvain:** Up for drawasaurus?

**Felix:** What?

**Sylvain:** Dude didnt u read my messages? :(

**Felix:** Sorry, I’ll do so now

Shit. Strike one. Felix succeeds in being a let-down.

He scrolls up the chat to his last message from yesterday and starts reading.

**Felix:** Shut up and sleep until the THC left your body

**Sylvain:** I love u too (no homo)

Great. That’s a message Felix could’ve lived without.

After a break until this morning, Sylvain texted again.

**Sylvain:** My head hurts ugh

**Sylvain:** I do feel somewhat better otherwise tho

**Sylvain:** So thanks again!

There’s another break of a little over two hours, Sylvain messaging him just past noon.

**Sylvain:** So i was thinking abt how i can entertain u this evening

**Sylvain:** Theres always the obvious (strip tease)

Gods, yes.

**Sylvain:** Jk

Felix is pathetic.

**Sylvain:** We can stream a movie and chat or whatever

**Sylvain:** Kill bill is nice. Martial arts for u and uma thurman for me

**Sylvain:** On second thought

**Sylvain:** Thats not good

**Sylvain:** Ur already watching a movie next week

**Sylvain:** What do u say?

After another two hours, Sylvain texted again.

**Sylvain:** Ok so i was walking lex. Always clears my head

**Sylvain:** (Which doesnt hurt anymore btw)

**Sylvain:** And then i googled

**Sylvain:** And i found drawasaurus

**Sylvain:** I played one round against a stranger who didnt even respond and his name was “fuck you” lmao

**Sylvain:** I almost cried i was sooo offended can u imagine? How a random 12 yo can get under my skin like this. Unbelievable

**Sylvain:** (No i didnt cry dont worry)

**Sylvain:** Anyway the game is basically u get to pick from 3 terms and then u have to draw it on the screen and the other party (or parties, can be up to 8) guesses what ur drawing in a chat

**Sylvain:** Sounds funny enough if u dont end up playing with user “fuck you”

Another two hour break follows.

**Sylvain:** No opinions?

After that, Sylvain kept quiet. The way he readily replied just now, though, makes Felix suspect he’s been watching his phone the whole day. Guilt clenches Felix’s heart. He’s not managing the positive impression part well at all.

**Sylvain:** Making myself a tea while u catch up, brb

**Felix:** I’m not sure I want to play this

**Felix:** Can we just talk instead?

**Sylvain:** Sure. What about?

Ah. So he’s already back.

**Felix:** The obvious. Dinner with my boss

**Sylvain:** Right

**Sylvain:** I didnt want to ask in case id end up making u feel worse

**Felix:** No, it actually went rather well

**Sylvain:** So u talked?

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** About our problems

**Felix:** Trauma mainly

**Sylvain:** From the “something” that “happened”?

**Felix:** Exactly

**Felix:** He was very forthcoming and also understanding of my situation

Cat joins Felix. She doesn’t look as bloated as she no doubt must feel after a double serving of gourmet’s food. Maybe she just relieved herself of most of it already. Curling up next to Felix, she purrs and goes to sleep. He buries a hand in her fur.

**Sylvain:** Oh thats good

**Sylvain:** Its good isnt it

**Felix:** I think so

**Felix:** It’s less an actual understanding and more him being empathetic I think

**Felix:** He gets it once you explain

**Felix:** And when he’s actually there

**Sylvain:** Wym?

**Felix:** He just spaces out a lot

**Felix:** He spaced out on me at least twice today. I don’t know what exactly was going on

**Felix:** At first I thought he’s just slow and thinking

**Felix:** But looking back I think

**Felix:** I don’t know how to explain this

**Felix:** It’s like he rewound time in his head and after a couple seconds he got what I was saying a minute ago and then he would reply?

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Felix:** I mean he already had replied to what I had said

**Felix:** But with something else

**Felix:** And then he just retraced and picked a different path?

**Sylvain:** Huh

**Sylvain:** Is he dissociating?

**Felix:** I’m not sure I should share any more details

**Felix:** But he said he is

**Sylvain:** It’s fine

**Sylvain:** Oh hit the nail on the head huh

**Felix:** How do you know this stuff anyway?

**Sylvain:** Idk i just… read books. And look up stuff on wikipedia

**Sylvain:** And i may have some issues too and looked into all this stuff a while back

**Felix:** All right

**Sylvain:** Ill tell u someday

**Felix:** No promise I’ll ever tell you what’s up with me

**Sylvain:** No pressure

**Sylvain:** Uve already had me voice my ideas on that

**Felix:** True

And Sylvain may very well have been right about that too.

**Felix:** Anyway we talked

**Felix:** And we’re going to try to be friends again

**Sylvain:** Can i just ask something?

**Sylvain:** This is a little personal and i wont judge u for ur response

**Felix:** Is this about my mental state?

**Sylvain:** No

**Sylvain:** Its more about ur boss and ur relationship with him?

**Felix:** Explain

**Sylvain:** U just denied my question if u guys were dating so vehemently

**Sylvain:** And ive been wondering ever since

**Felix:** About what? I’m not having the hots for my boss if you’re trying to insinuate that again

**Sylvain:** Well ive been wondering if there might be another truth buried beneath it?

**Felix:** What truth?

**Sylvain:** Are u into guys?

Felix coughs. Cat opens one eye lazily and goes back to sleep, not even trying to help. Sylvain is either one very lucky man or he is smarter than Felix gave him credit for. He feels like Sylvain can just see right through him by reading between the lines.

Heart racing, Felix bites his lip. He can’t say ‘yes’ and then pass the question back to have his tiny fledgelings of hope crushed. On the other hand, he should just man up and face how futile his situation really is. So what he does is walk the middle plank and hope for the best.

**Felix:** I don’t like defining it

**Felix:** I don’t care

**Sylvain:** Ur sorta dodging the question

**Felix:** I mean sex and gender don’t matter

**Felix:** I like women. I like men. I like people who don’t feel comfortable with labeling themselves as such

**Felix:** I don’t care

**Felix:** If I had to label myself, I’d say I was pan?

**Sylvain:** Okay

**Sylvain:** Thanks for clearing that up

**Sylvain:** Im sorry for having implied in the past that uh ur straight

**Sylvain:** U just never bothered to correct me

**Felix:** Because I don’t care

**Sylvain:** Can i ask more? If u so obviously dont care

**Felix:** Depends on the question

**Sylvain:** I dont want to make u feel uncomfortable

**Felix:** You’re only making this worse because you keep saying these things

**Felix:** I haven’t changed since you “met” me

**Sylvain:** Id beg to differ but only in the most positive of ways

**Felix:** Shut up and go ask

**Sylvain:** Seeeiros all right

**Sylvain:** Are u out to ur family?

**Felix:** They’re all dead

**Sylvain:** Oh shit

**Sylvain:** Im sorry i only knew abt ur father :(

**Felix:** Don’t apologize

**Sylvain:** My condolences then

**Felix:** Thanks

**Felix:** My dad and my brother knew if you’re still interested

**Sylvain:** Did u uh fess up or

**Felix:** There was this mail-order catalog for clothes

**Felix:** I just told them if I thought certain models in it were hot or not. Including the men wearing only stylish boxer briefs

**Felix:** My old man looked like he was the one coming out. Super uncomfortable

**Felix:** My brother hit me on the back and proclaimed very loudly he’d always known

**Felix:** You can apparently see it in my very obvious eyes that cannot keep a secret

**Sylvain:** Ill make sure to remember that ;)

**Felix:** I hate eye contact

**Sylvain:** Maybe bc u know ur eyes spell everything out

**Sylvain:** Anyway so it went well?

**Felix:** Yes. And it’s not like they could’ve done anything about it

**Sylvain:** Yea these conversion therapies make me shudder

**Felix:** That’s not what I meant

**Felix:** Let’s just say at that point I wasn’t a virgin anymore

**Sylvain:** Holy shit dude

**Sylvain:** Well that clears up if u ever acted on it

**Felix:** I have. Several times. And liked it

**Felix:** So why the interest in all these details?

This ‘reading between the lines’ business Sylvain may profess in goes over Felix’s head. He can’t keep from worrying his bottom lip further. The skin’s already broken on the right side where his tooth is a tiny bit chipped and the edge cuts like a saw.

**Sylvain:** Oh so do u remember doro?

**Sylvain:** The voice coach?

**Felix:** Who moved

**Sylvain:** Yes! Her

**Sylvain:** Shes dating everyone and everything too and i was wondering if theres like a common ground

**Sylvain:** If u have similar experiences and stuff

**Felix:** You make it sound like I’m slutty like you

**Sylvain:** Then id have implied doros slutty as well -___-

**Sylvain:** I get it *i* am a slut

**Sylvain:** But theres a canyon between my sexual ventures and what she does

**Felix:** Ah? So what do you do?

Felix is aware he’s wading into dangerous territory here. He’s also afraid of getting a tad too excited if he lets his fantasies run. He’s really not in the mood to touch himself today.

**Sylvain:** U know

**Sylvain:** Being a slut means fucking everyone u see

**Sylvain:** Thats what i more or less used to do

**Sylvain:** I mean i only fucked my way through the female half of fodlan

**Sylvain:** I dont really date people in the sense of being in a caring relationship

**Sylvain:** I just fuck them and then toss them away like trash

Okay, so this is going in a completely different direction, and likely for the better.

**Felix:** Oh

**Felix:** But why?

**Sylvain:** Idk

**Sylvain:** It feels wrong

**Sylvain:** I just know they just want to get in my pants and nothing more

**Sylvain:** And ill humor them and then they get on my nerves bc we dont really connect and

**Sylvain:** Its just my image i guess? I kinda look like a bad boy

**Felix:** You don’t though?

**Sylvain:** I do with a leather jacket and my motorbike lol

**Sylvain:** I think no one actually expects a huge geek to hide behind that mask

**Sylvain:** Its like cinderella

**Sylvain:** Everyone likes me until i take off my guise

**Sylvain:** I even had an evil sibling lmao

Hm. Something to note for later. And didn’t Sylvain mention just yesterday that his computer games were something normal in-between… what? His issues? He can’t remember. Felix yawns and hopes he won’t forget again.

**Felix:** The prince did like her

**Sylvain:** Im not looking for a prince charming

**Sylvain:** (Btw watch out for that son of a bitch (and said bitch) on shrek 2 and 3 dude)

**Sylvain:** And he first saw her all pretty too

**Sylvain:** He knew what she was capable of right off the bat

**Felix:** He knew what she looked like fixed up but not her personality

**Sylvain:** Didnt it say they lived happily ever after tho

**Felix:** Because it’s a fucking fairy tale

**Sylvain:** I think i just turned my own argument on its head

**Sylvain:** Wait a sec

**Sylvain:** I need to read it again

**Felix:** Ok

Felix turns over while he’s waiting, kneading the other hand in Cat’s fur.

**Sylvain:** If ur right then i wont get my happily ever after :)

**Felix:** This is making my head hurt

**Sylvain:** Sorry man

**Felix:** I thought you weren’t looking for someone to date

**Sylvain:** I dont think i am

**Sylvain:** Not actively

**Sylvain:** I guess there just needs to be that zing moment?

**Felix:** The what moment?

**Sylvain:** Like it makes this zing sound in my head when i realize i like someone. Even as a friend yanno. Platonically. And then i tell them stuff

**Sylvain:** Maybe they let me run my mouth and dont find me awful

**Sylvain:** And then i also find them hot AND i get this flutter in my chest

**Sylvain:** Or stomach

**Sylvain:** Im not sure where ur supposed to feel it

**Felix:** Have you never been in love?

**Sylvain:** I

**Sylvain:** Im not sure

**Sylvain:** I always say i am but im only ever in lust

**Sylvain:** Maybe i was with my first girlfriend

**Sylvain:** But thats half my life ago

**Sylvain:** I cant honestly say i remember

**Felix:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Yea

**Sylvain:** No need to pity me or anything lol

**Sylvain:** Im fine like this

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** What bout u?

**Sylvain:** Would u like to be in a serious relationship?

**Felix:** Not under the pretense it’d be good for my health

**Felix:** I wouldn’t mind waking up to someone else for a change

**Felix:** But it’d have to be someone I trust completely

**Felix:** Because of my health

**Sylvain:** I see

**Sylvain:** Is there anyone who struck ur fancy? ;)

**Felix:** Wouldn’t you like to know

**Sylvain:** Sounds like a yes

**Sylvain:** Who is it

**Felix:** Even if there was, I sure as fuck wouldn’t tell you

**Sylvain:** I knew it! Its ur boss

**Felix:** No!

**Felix:** How many times do I need to tell you

**Sylvain:** Well then whats ur type

**Felix:** I don’t have one

**Felix:** I don’t like where this conversation is headed

**Felix:** I’m going to sleep

**Sylvain:** Its still early :(

**Felix:** I told you I’m tired

**Felix:** I’ll talk to you tomorrow, all right?

**Sylvain:** Aight

**Sylvain:** Sleep well then

**Sylvain:** Sorry for upsetting u

**Sylvain:** *Tugs u into bed*

**Felix:** Thanks but I’m not a baby

**Felix:** Good night. Sleep well too

**Sylvain:** Good night!

With that, Felix shuts off his phone. His arms hurt from the double strain of texting with one hand and petting Cat with the other. He places his phone on his nightstand, then rolls over onto his other side again.

It takes him a while to fall asleep. His thoughts keep returning to one of Sylvain’s texts. He said he’d need to find ‘them’ hot, not ‘her’. He was likely just continuing to use the previous pronoun, but Felix can’t shake the idea that maybe, just _maybe_ , this is a sign.

Why does reading between the lines have to be so damn difficult?


	13. Day 21

The dining hall is as crowded as ever. Felix has since developed a technique involving his elbows to force other people away from his personal space bubble until he reaches his seat across from Ashe and Dedue Molinaro (yes, he finally learnt his name). Once he’s there, he places his tray on one side on the table in front of him, and his food on the other, so that no one will get the wrong idea of sitting down next to him. Molinaro’s mere presence has this effect on people that makes them want to stay away, and Felix wishes he’d emanate the same aura on autopilot.

“Hey,” he greets.

“Hi,” Ashe says, flashing a smile. Even Molinaro’s lips quirk upwards. “Did you get my analysis?”

“Yes, yesterday afternoon.” Felix swirls his spoon around his helping of broth. “I went over it today. You’re thorough. I like that in a co-worker.”

Ashe’s smile grows into a toothy grin. “And?”

“No complaints.” A smile of his own tugs at the corners of Felix’s mouth at Ashe’s whoop.

Molinaro pats Ashe on the shoulder. “I told you he’d like it.”

“Mhm,” Felix hums. “So can I borrow you for the rest of the week?”

“Don’t forget to inform Staff,” Dimitri says.

Wait. Dimitri? Felix turns his head, and there he is, clearing Felix’s stuff away from his right to sit down next to him and across from Molinaro. Felix missed the sound of his metal-booted approach in the sudden silence of the dining hall, hushed whispers suddenly the only background noise.

“Since when are you eating here?” Felix asks.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Dimitri takes his time to look at each of his table companions, eye eventually resting on an Ashe who looks like a deer caught in the headlights. “You’re the only one at this table who hasn’t done up his hair.”

“I—I can fix this right up, Mr. Blaiddyd.” Ashe is already scooping his hair up.

“No, no!” Dimitri raises both of his hands, one of them holding the spoon. “It was just an observation, not meant as criticism or even as command.”

A blush colors Ashe’s cheeks and makes his freckles shine. “I’m sorry, I’m… I just want to leave a good impression.”

“The way I gather it, you already made several, including with Felix and Dedue. That’s why I tasked Felix to hire you if he likes what you turned in.”

Ashe’s eyes flick to Felix who nods in assent. “You’re going to sign your contract on Friday.”

“If you want to, that is,” Dimitri adds.

“Well, I want him to stay.” Gods. It’s too easy to fall back into the old bickering. Felix makes himself stop and look at Ashe. “You can sleep on it. I’ll have Staff prepare your contract today either way.” And Felix will make sure personally that Ashe gets a hefty pay raise. The meager wage he has to live off at the moment is an affront to the whole company.

“I believe I won’t need to think this over.” Ashe’s grin is back in place, his eyes shining. “I like it here a lot.”

Felix scoops up the remainder of his broth with the piece of bread it came with. Grade A Faerghus peasant food time-traveled straight out of the 12th century. Yum. “These contracts usually run for two years. You won’t have to prove yourself in the time the way you did this past week. Just make sure you get assigned the odd project or two, and you’ll be fine. You may want to network.”

Movement out of the corner of his eye makes Felix glance over to Dimitri. He flashes Felix a knowing grin. Yeah, yeah, Felix does not follow his own advice. But why should he? There aren’t exactly many ladders left to climb for him.

“ _Then_ you’ll get a permanent contract,” Felix says in an attempt to make Dimitri school his expression back into something befitting his station. “Still sound good?”

“Yes!” Ashe is still grinning. Molinaro pats his shoulder awkwardly. “I’m very grateful for this opportunity.”

“Good.” Felix gets up from his seat. This is enough mingling for one day, and he’ll still need to go over Ashe’s analysis with him. “I’m going back to work. Come to my office when you’re finished, too.”

“Should I knock?”

“Just come in. I’ll be expecting you.”

“I’ll be there in five!”

“Make it ten. I want to grab a quick smoke beforehand.” Piling all his things on the tray, Felix leaves Ashe to do some networking with their boss.

* * *

Working with Ashe was a very productive and satisfying experience once again. They not only went over his thorough analysis together, they also reviewed their ideas and drafted an outline. This they sent to Annette Dominic with the explicit request she go over it and reply with her thoughts on it ASAP. And Ashe was responsible enough for Felix to leave him on his own for a good half hour while he was talking to Staff personally.

When the clock strikes five, they decide to call it a day. Felix looks over to Ashe as he’s packing up his laptop and shrugging into his coat as well. He won’t have this young, naïve face of his for much longer once he starts working here. “It started snowing again,” he says, pulling Felix out of his thoughts.

Following Ashe’s gaze out of the window, Felix can make out the rapid fall of snowflakes against the illumination of the streetlights as well. “Fucking wonderful.” Ashe shoots him a distressed expression—maybe Felix shouldn’t swear in front of the newbie. “Want a ride home?” he asks in an attempt to smooth over his blunder.

“I don’t want to inconvenience you.”

“I think the snow’s much more of an inconvenience to you.”

“If you’re sure…” Ashe goes for a smile that falters. “When I said it’s snowing I didn’t shoot for this.”

“You’re way too honest for this amount of sneakiness.”

Ashe laughs. “You only say that because you don’t know me that well yet.”

“Oh?” Felix raises an eyebrow at him and holds the door of his office open, locking it after Ashe stepped through.

“My family wasn’t so well off. When my siblings saw a nice toy and wanted to have it, our parents could never afford it. It was just hand-me-downs, usually even from my parents,” Ashe explains as they make their way down the corridor and the flight of stairs to the parking garage. “So I just took them from the stores without paying. I must’ve been rather good, and maybe my innocent face helped, because I was never caught. But I still feel bad about it.”

“Don’t share this with anyone here officially.”

“Oh.”

“I won’t leak it but this really shouldn’t appear on your record.”

“I—I don’t do this anymore!”

“And you won’t have any reason to anymore starting next week.” Nearing his car, Felix begins to rummage through his pockets for his pack of cigs and his lighter.

“I don’t want to presume anything but… does this mean I’ll get a raise?”

“Yes.” Felix shoves his laptop into his car, then holds up the items in his hands. “Do you mind?”

“Actually I do.” Ashe smiles sheepishly.

Felix tosses his keyring to Ashe. “Then get in and dial up the heat.”

“O-okay.” Ashe fumbles around with the car key and slips inside. Felix lights his cigarette when the door clicks shut. He swears when Ashe suddenly opens it again. The inside of his car does not have to smell like disgusting smoke. “I don’t have a license so I, uh, don’t know to turn on the heater _all_ by myself.”

“Slip the key into the ignition switch and turn it towards the windshield until you’re met with a resistance. The lights on the dashboard should turn on. Then,” Felix holds his cigarette as far away from him as he can while he ducks into the car to tap against the heat dial, “turn this clockwise. It’ll be loud on the higher levels.” With that, he ducks back outside and shuts the door. He wants his smoke, dammit.

Felix makes sure to keep his back turned to his car to enjoy as much of his cigarette as is possible on a cognitive level—he’s very aware he keeps poisoning himself to deal with whatever’s wrong with his head. When he’s done five minutes later, he walks around his car and gets inside on the driver’s side. Ashe has meanwhile transformed the inside of his car into a fucking sauna.

“I see you made it work,” Felix says, reaching over to dial the heat back down somewhat.

“I was afraid I’d accidentally start up the car.”

“You couldn’t have. You need to press down on the brake to turn the key further.” Felix demonstrates just that. “Do you come here… on foot?”

“No!” Ashe laughs. “I have a commuter pass.”

“Ah.”

“The thing’s stupid though. I wanted to save money so I got a version that doesn’t allow me passage on weekends.”

“So you just don’t pay the fare?”

A blush blooms on Ashe’s cheeks. “I may resort to that.”

“So you’ll do it again this Saturday to get to Caspar’s?”

“Is it any of your business?” Ashe slouches in his seat.

Slowly making their way towards the parking garage’s exit, Felix says, “I can give you a ride again. I’d just need to know where you live.”

“Oh, right.” Ashe gives him the directions. It’s not too far from the gym, although Felix will have to go out of his way to get there. “Uh, anyway, driving me there and back home would be really nice.”

“Then it’s a deal.”

“And what do you get out of it?”

Felix gives a half-shrug while changing gear. “I’m not good at this whole colleague, acquaintance, friendship thing, call it what you will. But I’m trying to make an effort to get there eventually.”

“I’m sorry if I keep misinterpreting your words, but does this mean you’d like to be friends?”

Felix can feel his own face heat up. Gnashing his teeth, he presses out, “Maybe.” He wishes he could kick Ashe out of his car already but the snow makes it impossible for him to safely accelerate more.

“Oh.” Felix’s eyes flit over. Ashe is smiling, his cheeks reddened slightly.

“This is awkward.”

“It is. I mean I’d like to be friends as well, but you usually just feel it and not talk about it like this.”

“I know. I— Let’s just talk about something else.”

“Yes, please let’s!” From the corner of his eye Felix can see Ashe dry-wash his face. “So, uh, I didn’t expect you to agree to watching Shrek.”

“To be honest, I don’t think I’m going to like it. It’s for kids, isn’t it?”

Ashe laughs. “Yeah, but there’s lots of references and jokes in the movies that children might not get.” He twirls a strand of hair around a finger. “Personally, I find the movies enjoyable. But you didn’t—and don’t—peg me as the type. You have this serious air about you, you know? So watching a comedy seems kind of… off?”

“Like I said, I suck at making friends. And I believe getting out of my comfort zone may add a little.”

“To what?”

Felix shrugs. “My social life.”

“Ah.” Ashe twiddles his thumbs for over a minute before speaking up again. “We never really talked about your cat. Will she be fine on her own?”

“I leave her to her own devices every day. She’s alone right at the moment.”

“Oh, right.” Felix doesn’t have to look over to know Ashe is blushing. “Can you send me a photo of her when you’re home?”

“I guess.”

“Does she bite? Caspar’s cat does.”

“No. She doesn’t really scratch me either.”

“Ah, well-behaved!”

“Not really. She leaves hairballs everywhere. She loves throwing my phone down every surface I leave it on. One time she stole a whole sausage from me and got ill for two days.”

Ashe laughs. “These are just things every cat is guilty of!”

“So what’s Caspar’s cat like?”

“Well, for starters, apparently fat and not pregnant.” Ashe sounds flustered.

“Didn’t you know it was male?”

“I don’t look what may be dangling between a cat’s legs!” They’re at the last traffic light before Ashe’s apartment around the next corner. Felix turns to look at him and raise an eyebrow at him. Ashe’s blush turns an even more violent shade of red. “What, do you?”

“Some names aren’t gender-neutral. Like Sylvester.”

“Caspar _really_ likes Sylvester Stallone. He wouldn’t have cared—”

“Isn’t there this black-and-white cat? FromLooney Tunes?” The light turns green and Felix rounds the corner.

“Ohhh. Caspar’s cat is also black-and-white.” Ashe rubs his chin. “This may be the most genius thing he’s ever done.”

“Maybe it was his roommate’s suggestion?”

Ashe mirrors Felix’s grin. “Probably.”

Felix nods towards the window next to Ashe. “I think we’re there.”

Ashe follows his movement before snapping back around. “Oh, right! Thanks for the ride.”

“Mhm.”

Unbuckling his seat belt, Ashe’s fingers twitch. “Can I hug you? As a token of appreciation.”

“Make it quick.”

Ashe does. He leaves the car a heartbeat after and swaggers to a house. Felix watches him successfully enter without getting snowed in, then drives on.

* * *

Gym went well. Felix was exhausted but didn’t extort himself to the brink of death. He’s finally learning his limits and slowly pushing himself further, and it’s good to see the tone come back into his skinny arms and legs. No-indoor voice Catherine reminded him about signing up to the weapons workshop, so now, showered and slurping his protein shake, he does just that on the website. Felix makes sure to pick Arianrhod since Catherine will go to the one here in Fhirdiad. He’ll have to ask Dimitri if he can have the days off for this, but after their dinner, Felix knows he can get away with everything short of murder now.

Putting his laptop away for good and arming himself with a beer and the heated-up gratin he failed to finish yesterday, Felix takes his phone and wraps himself in his duvet. Cat hops onto his lap to watch whatever nonsense is on TV today.

 **Sylvain:** I did it

 **Sylvain:** Cant quote diogenes again on u and get away with it so i wont

 **Sylvain:** Here is u!! In my old sims 2 game

 **Sylvain:** <sent picture>

Felix almost chokes on his gratin. Apart from having forgotten all about Sylvain’s bizarre confession, he knew not to expect much from an old video game. This, however, is outrageous. Sylvain either needs his computer’s graphic’s card replaced or a pair of glasses. Because Felix may not have the most positive of self-images, but _this_ blocky, pixelated mess is an affront to anyone’s good taste.

 **Felix:** I hate it

He only gets to finish another bite before Sylvain’s back.

 **Sylvain:** WHAT

 **Sylvain:** U sir

 **Sylvain:** U would me gravely

 **Felix:** Lucky you. I died because you made me look at this accident

 **Sylvain:** Here i am

 **Sylvain:** Wanting to tell u all abt this cool house we have

‘We’? Felix’s heart skips a beat.

 **Sylvain:** Doro, ing, u, and me

Ah, right.

 **Sylvain:** I wanted to add lex and cat later

 **Sylvain:** We all look kinda messy

 **Sylvain:** But i thought i did all right :(

 **Felix:** It looks worse than my old picture on the company website

 **Felix:** They picked the most hideous photo of me that existed

 **Sylvain:** Share

 **Felix:** Why would I want to do that?

 **Sylvain:** But now they changed it and it’s better?

 **Felix:** Somewhat

 **Sylvain:** Cmon show me :(

 **Sylvain:** I already feel bad bc my depiction of u did not satisfy

 **Felix:** What do your friends say about theirs?

 **Sylvain:** I uh havent shown them yet

 **Felix:** Wise choice

 **Sylvain:** Please please show me ur website

 **Sylvain:** I only have one photo of u

 **Felix:** Same and you don’t see me complaining

It wasn’t his plan but now Felix sees how he’s inadvertently about to trick Sylvain into sending him another selfie. Or even more. Which would be fantastic.

 **Sylvain:** Dont be so hard on me :(

 **Felix:** Eye for an eye

 **Sylvain:** Fine with me

Felix exits the chat to draw up the website of Blue Lions. To make it easier on Sylvain, he even copies the link with the damnable staff listing.

 **Felix:** <sent link>

It takes Sylvain a few minutes to reply, in which time Felix not only finishes his gratin, he also downs half his beer. Who knows what Sylvain will say?

 **Sylvain:** Ur boss has an eyepatch :o

This isn’t even about him!

 **Felix:** Yes

 **Sylvain:** Ur last name rocks

 **Sylvain:** Srsly it sounds super cool

 **Sylvain:** Mine is just the cheese name

 **Felix:** ?

 **Sylvain:** Gautier

 **Sylvain:** Like the cheese

 **Sylvain:** The one with the special smell

 **Felix:** Oh gods

 **Sylvain:** Yea some cousins of mine produce it

 **Sylvain:** Cousins as in 12th cousins 8 times removed or so

 **Sylvain:** Im not really related

 **Felix:** Look at my boss

 **Felix:** He eats your Gautier cheese raw

 **Sylvain:** EWWW

 **Sylvain:** Now i respect him but for all the wrong reasons

 **Sylvain:** Anyway *ur* picture

 **Sylvain:** Idk man i like it?? Its different

 **Sylvain:** Reminds me of that yotsuba group dude

 **Felix:** The what?

 **Sylvain:** From death note

 **Sylvain:** Theres this company

 **Sylvain:** Super corrupt

 **Sylvain:** Unlike u

 **Sylvain:** Wait let me google him

 **Sylvain:** Reiji namikawa

 **Felix:** What is this death note?

 **Sylvain:** Animanga

 **Sylvain:** <sent link>

 **Sylvain:** Here look at him

 **Sylvain:** Idk the anime makes him look weird but hes super pretty in the manga

Felix’s heart skips a beat even before clicking on the link. Sylvain still thinks he’s pretty, huh? This is… not the best kind of compliment for a grown man to receive but it’s good enough for Felix for now. The site finished loading and Felix scrolls through the pictures.

 **Felix:** He looks nothing like me

 **Sylvain:** If u squint he does

 **Sylvain:** Also i only have 2 pictures to work off of

 **Felix:** Uhuh

 **Felix:** Don’t I get one back from you?

 **Sylvain:** Sure gimme a sec

 **Felix:** Ok

 **Sylvain:** <sent picture>

Felix’s heart stops for several beats. Of course Sylvain one-upped him again, sending him a spontaneously taken selfie—or something that looks like it. His dazzling smile is back, the little scar on his upper lip shining, along with the light in his eyes framed by lashes thick enough to look like Sylvain uses mascara. His hair is somewhat messy, but in a hot, bedhead sort of way that makes Felix feel like he’s witness to something more intimate than he probably is. The faint five o’clock shadow is likely contributing to that feeling.

Felix swallows. He wants to run his hands over Sylvain’s stupid face and trace his stupid soft-looking lips with his fingers, and then with his tongue when his fingers are tangled in his stupid hair and pulling on it. Entertaining himself with these sorts of fantasies is bad. Felix sips on his beer. Belatedly, he realizes Sylvain’s sent him another message while he was staring at his pretty face, to quote him.

 **Sylvain:** Will i get a compliment today?

 **Felix:** Your hair’s a bird’s nest

 **Sylvain:** Why thank u :)))))

 **Sylvain:** But really i should get a cut

 **Sylvain:** Once the ordeal called freezing wind is gone i can finally free my ears i guess

 **Felix:** If you’re having trouble hearing, that’s just another old man problem

 **Sylvain:** Wow r u trying to be funny or rile me up?

 **Felix:** Both?

 **Sylvain:** Ill try to be good humored today then

 **Sylvain:** After all i got a second felix picture to add to my collection

 **Felix:** You sound like a stalker

Which… gives Felix an idea that may at the very least be considered heretical. Let him turn into a fucking hypocrite then. It’s not like Sylvain’s ever going to find out Felix is exiting their chat right now to google his name. Which he now has in full.

There’s only a few hits. The first one listed is his studio website, which is neat and all, but not that interesting (apart from a few new pictures of Sylvain giving his stupid camera smile). At the very least it blanches in comparison to the second hit—Sylvain’s Instagram. It’s stock-full of pictures, most of them showing either food or his dog, but interspersed among them are so many selfies that Felix’s heart drops through his chest to hit the floor. Fuck. This was a horrible idea.

Felix sends himself a quick mail to go over the photos properly on his laptop later this night. He can’t just disappear on Sylvain like this.

 **Sylvain:** Be careful

 **Sylvain:** I now know where u work fraldarius

 **Felix:** Why the hell do you remember my last name

 **Sylvain:** Bc it sounds cool

Although this is something Felix couldn’t have influenced if he wanted to, he smiles.

 **Sylvain:** And now i can threaten u

 **Sylvain:** Fraldarius

 **Felix:** Stop it

 **Sylvain:** Hehe okay okay

 **Sylvain:** How was ur day?

 **Felix:** Fine

 **Felix:** Drove my new co-worker home because it started snowing again

 **Sylvain:** Ohhh here too

 **Sylvain:** If it holds we might go dog sledding again next week

 **Sylvain:** Wanna join?

 **Felix:** No

 **Felix:** Doesn’t your sled only support two people anyway?

 **Sylvain:** Well wed take one for up to 4 people

 **Felix:** Ok

 **Felix:** I still don’t want to

 **Sylvain:** Well it was worth a shot

 **Felix:** The way this is going you won’t let up until you had your way

 **Sylvain:** Probably

 **Sylvain:** But i can live with ur nos

 **Felix:** Uhuh

 **Sylvain:** *Whispers* fraldarius

 **Felix:** Shut the fuck up smelly cheese boy

 **Sylvain:** Sick burn

 **Felix:** I’m rolling my eyes

 **Sylvain:** Want to submit photographic evidence to support ur claim?

 **Felix:** No

 **Felix:** Anyway

 **Felix:** I signed up to this weapons workshop

 **Sylvain:** Oh?

 **Sylvain:** Like firearms?

 **Felix:** No, it’s about medieval weaponry and warfare

 **Felix:** They offer archery though. I might try that out

 **Sylvain:** Also crossbows?

 **Felix:** Probably

 **Sylvain:** Ur interested in this reenactment / larping / whatever scene it is??? :o

 **Felix:** Not really

 **Felix:** But I guess it sounded interesting enough to try

 **Sylvain:** Do u have any experience?

 **Felix:** Apart from playing with wooden toy swords with my brother? No

 **Sylvain:** That sounds like it was fun tho

 **Felix:** I don’t really remember

 **Felix:** I was still in kindergarten

In fact, Felix only knows because a photo exists of him and Glenn sparring.

 **Sylvain:** Oh all right

 **Sylvain:** I dont remember much from that time myself

 **Sylvain:** But hey its cool ur getting out more :)

 **Felix:** Yeah. Thanks

 **Sylvain:** For what?

 **Felix:** For making me try

 **Sylvain:** Now im giddy

 **Sylvain:** *Pulls u into the digital hug u keep refusing*

 **Felix:** I’m going to rip your balls off if you do that ever again

 **Sylvain:** NO

 **Sylvain:** I STILL NEED THEM

 **Felix:** I'll need to make sure you will never spawn more of you

 **Sylvain:** Im about to cry

 **Felix:** No you’re not

 **Sylvain:** No im not ur right

 **Sylvain:** I just want u to know im very good at hugging

 **Felix:** Still not interested

A blatant lie of course. Stifling a yawn, Felix glances at the time. It’s half past eleven already. Cat’s nowhere to be found. Shit. Felix failed to notice her go. And he needs to be at work in time the next two days if he’s to work together with Ashe.

 **Felix:** It’s already late

 **Sylvain:** Oh shit u have to get up early

 **Felix:** Yep

And something else to do before going to sleep.

 **Sylvain:** All righty i wish u a wonderful nighty

 **Sylvain:** Sleep well!!

 **Felix:** Thank you

 **Felix:** May you be blessed by Euterpe tonight

 **Sylvain:** Gonna whip out my flute then ;)

 **Felix:** I refuse to comment on this

 **Sylvain:** Fair enough

 **Sylvain:** But dude that reference is so obscure

 **Sylvain:** I love u

 **Sylvain:** (In a platonic way of course)

That’s a step-up from the ‘no homo’s that were a plague and as such made Felix sick. Even if Sylvain will never come around, he’s making an effort not to be a dick.

 **Felix:** Thank you

 **Felix:** Good night

 **Sylvain:** Nighty night!!!

Brandishing a stupid smile at his phone, Felix puts it on silent for the night. His legs are shaking more than he’d like to admit and his heart is doing somersaults while Felix cleans himself up in the bathroom. Afterwards he grabs his laptop and slips into bed, where Cat is already curled up on her spot.

Everything’s well—the mail went through, the site loads, Felix is warm and comfy. Okay, not everything’s well, since Felix only gets the thumbnails and needs an account to view the pictures in all their glory. He signs up with a fake name, and _then_ he hopes he finally gets to enjoy some content.

Oh, yes. He won’t be disappointed. Scrolling past Lex this and breakfast that, Felix stumbles across an image that will haunt him for the next weeks to come. It’s a selfie taken in a full-length bedroom mirror (obvious since said bed is visible in the background), and shows Sylvain in nothing but low-riding sweatpants. His shoulders are every bit as broad as Felix imagined them to be and it’s obvious he works out, although the fact he’d probably not eaten before taking the picture may contribute to his—Felix licks his lips—appeal. A line of hair trickles from his navel to disappear in the pants, and Felix wants to rip them off.

Saints, is he thirsty.

What’s taking Felix’s eyes off Sylvain’s muscles for the moment, though, is something he neglected to tell Felix anything about: His whole right arm—looks like the left one but this is a mirrored image, Felix reminds himself—is covered in a colorful tattoo. The resolution is not good enough to make the design out clearly, but it appears to be a vine of red and pink roses, leaves and thorns scattered in-between, snaking its way up Sylvain’s arm, starting with a singular flower on his hand, and ending at his neck. The angle makes it hard to see exactly what it looks like, and Felix hopes he will get a chance to find out eventually. He wouldn’t mind if it were in person.

Felix saves the photo to his hard drive, ignoring the bountiful comments on the side sending a pang of jealousy through Felix’s chest. It’s clear by now that Sylvain is not just a sex-crazy whore, he’s also an attention whore. Which may be the reason he shares these intimate pictures in the first place, Felix reminds himself.

This photo is the best find from Felix’s first scoop, although he find out a few more things: Sylvain has more than one camera-perfected smile, them ranging from cocky over friendly to shy. His hair is always somewhat messy but on the few occasions the wind’s blown it away from his ears, a pair of plugs are visible in his earlobes. Interesting. Moving on, there really are thorny stems tattooed onto his neck and reaching half-way around, the tat never fully visible and appearing to extend at least partway onto his back so Felix will really have to strip him to see it all. What a shame.

By now his arousal’s painful. Chancing a glance at Cat shows she’s still merrily sleeping with her back turned to him, so Felix guesses it’s all right to reach into his pants and rub this one out, biting the inside of his cheek to stay quiet. When he’s finished he can’t find it in him to drag himself out of bed to clean up. Five minutes later see him looking at his pathetic face in the bathroom mirror, and another five blaming his pathetic feelings for his pathetic actions.


	14. Days 24 and 25

His stamina is coming back. Felix now manages 37 push-ups in a row before collapsing to his living room floor, the muscles in his arms and belly burning before being replaced by goo. Breathing heavily, he rolls around onto his back and stares up at his ceiling. Cat joins him, helpfully licking off a trickle of sweat. “You’re disgusting,” he wheezes and shoves her away. “Don’t think I don’t see where else you put your tongue.”

Felix staggers onto his feet and into the bathroom, trying to catch his breath. Cat is a nuisance if she wants to be one, and he’s not looking forward to more tongue massages à la cat. A quick shower rids him of the tingles her tongue left along with the many rivulets of sweat she could’ve hydrated herself with as well. By the time he’s done, taking a few extra minutes just to bask in the heat of the water, Felix feels refreshed and his muscles relaxed.

He still has some time left to kill before he’s set to pick up Ashe. Tolkien’s prose serves as a suitable weapon for that until the sun dips below the horizon. Sighing, Felix faces the other issue he’s been putting off. He leaves the comfort of his living room for a quick smoke. Back inside, he pulls out his phone.

**Felix:** I’m nervous

**Sylvain:** Wanna talk abt it?

Thankfully, Sylvain either lives with his face glued to his phone or he has Felix on some sort of alert. Does putting someone on emergency call do this?

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** It’s the movie night

**Sylvain:** Right that was today!!!

**Sylvain:** U should be excited, not nervous tho

**Felix:** Failed step one

**Sylvain:** Nooooo

**Sylvain:** Lets work on this

**Sylvain:** Whats making u nervous?

**Felix:** For starters, I don’t really know these people

**Sylvain:** I thought they were ur friends

**Felix:** Not really

**Felix:** I know one of them from gym. We only recently reconnected

**Felix:** I guess we used to be friends but since I stopped going for a few years it all kind of fell apart

**Felix:** People change

**Sylvain:** Well did he chance?

**Sylvain:** *Change

**Felix:** Not really

**Felix:** I did though

**Sylvain:** Then see it as a chance to get reacquainted

**Felix:** I’m scared he may say things that end up offending me?

**Sylvain:** How so? U seem like someone who stands their ground

**Felix:** Yes but, you know, he says a lot of things without thinking about it and I’d rather not have him bring up certain topics

**Sylvain:** Brief him?

**Felix:** I don’t know. He’s the type of person to forget and since I’d have told him, he’d get to spill all the juicy bits

**Sylvain:** Accidentally or “accidentally”?

**Felix:** He wouldn’t do it on purpose and he’d feel bad about it afterwards

**Felix:** But I’m scared it would still happen

**Sylvain:** Okay

**Sylvain:** What abt the others?

**Felix:** One is my gym acquaintance’s roommate

**Felix:** I only saw him once or twice, and that was years ago as well

**Felix:** He seemed easy-going enough

**Sylvain:** But u cant know for certain huh

**Felix:** Regrettably

**Sylvain:** Hes the wild card then

**Felix:** Yeah I guess so

**Felix:** My new co-worker will be there as well

**Sylvain:** Did u invite them?

**Felix:** No, he’s friends with the gym acquaintance

**Sylvain:** Ah i see

**Sylvain:** But if u spend time with him at work then maybe u got to know him a little already?

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** He’s easy to talk to. And friendly

**Sylvain:** Then stick to him

**Felix:** That’s the plan

**Felix:** I’m going to pick him up and also drive him home

**Sylvain:** Sounds like a date to me ;)

**Felix:** Would you stop it already?

**Sylvain:** Is he the one ur into?

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Is it a guy tho?

**Felix:** Yes. And now let’s get back to topic which is me being stressed out for a wholly different reason

**Sylvain:** :OO

**Felix:** WHAT

**Sylvain:** U just admitted u have a crush

**Felix:** I hate you

**Sylvain:** Oooof

**Sylvain:** This hurts

**Sylvain:** Like. For real

**Felix:** You’re being an asshole

**Sylvain:** How?

**Felix:** Because you laid this trap

**Felix:** I read over it again and can see it now

**Felix:** And I wish you wouldn’t keep doing this

**Felix:** Laying traps

**Sylvain:** Okay

**Sylvain:** Im sorry :(

**Sylvain:** Please please dont hate me

**Sylvain:** I care so much and i dont want u to tear me to pieces like this

Oh shit. Felix swallows, burying a hand in Cat’s fur for comfort. He didn’t notice her sneaking up on him to cuddle, but he’s glad she reads his mind.

**Felix:** I don’t really hate you

**Felix:** Sorry. I wasn’t aware I was crossing some line

**Sylvain:** Last time u said it it was a joke

**Sylvain:** And ur a cynic and i get that i shouldnt take everything to heart like this

**Sylvain:** But i sometimes do anyway

Felix worries his bottom lip again, the edge of his tooth digging into the freshly healed line there.

**Felix:** Look. I don’t want to hurt you. But I don’t want to feel like you’re playing with me either

**Sylvain:** Okay

**Sylvain:** Like i said im sorry

**Sylvain:** Ill take care not to do this anymore

**Felix:** Good enough

**Sylvain:** Uhm

**Sylvain:** R we good again?

**Felix:** I don’t want to fight

**Sylvain:** Me neither

**Felix:** Then we’re good as long as you don’t lay these traps again

**Sylvain:** Is it really such confidential information tho?

**Felix:** What is?

**Sylvain:** U liking a guy right now

**Felix:** I don’t see why this is any concern of yours

**Felix:** I don’t keep asking about your love life either

**Sylvain:** Well theres nothing to report atm

Good.

**Felix:** Then let’s get back to topic already

**Sylvain:** Yea yea

**Sylvain:** Maybe i distracted u from ur feelings of apprehension tho?

**Felix:** Yes but in the worst way imaginable so don’t ever try that again

**Felix:** I’m not on a date with my co-worker. He’s not my type

**Sylvain:** I want to ask what ur type is

**Felix:** Don’t

**Sylvain:** I wont

**Felix:** Good

**Sylvain:** Yea last time i did u disappeared on me :(

**Felix:** Yes and I will again

**Sylvain:** Nooooo stay

**Felix:** I’ll have to get ready eventually

Felix’s eyes flick to the time.

**Felix:** But I still have an hour for you

**Sylvain:** Yay

**Sylvain:** Is it just the people you’re nervous about?

**Felix:** Mainly

**Felix:** I’ll just have to see it through

**Sylvain:** Try to have fun tho

**Felix:** I will try

**Sylvain:** Good

**Felix:** Thanks for listening

**Sylvain:** Do u want to talk abt anything else?

**Felix:** No, that was all

**Sylvain:** Wanna hear abt my newest project then?

**Felix:** A song?

**Sylvain:** Haha actually no

**Sylvain:** Im planning to build a tree house

**Felix:** In the middle of winter?

**Sylvain:** Im *planning* to build a tree house

**Felix:** In the middle of winter?

**Sylvain:** I am making the plans. The blueprints. Im not going to start when theres still a chance of snow

**Felix:** Didn’t you break your friend’s sink?

**Sylvain:** No it was already broken and instead of fixing it i made it worse…

**Sylvain:** But that was years ago!! I had ample time to hone my skills in craftsmanship and building

**Felix:** Make sure you won’t fall down and break your neck

**Sylvain:** Twould be a shame huh

**Felix:** Yes so

**Felix:** Fuck your traps

**Sylvain:** NO

**Sylvain:** DONT LEAVE ME

**Felix:** I won’t

**Felix:** I just remember you promising me a minute ago you wouldn’t do this anymore

**Sylvain:** I said ill try not to do it again

**Sylvain:** Im just like this

**Sylvain:** Its hard to turn off but i will do my best

**Sylvain:** That i can promise

**Sylvain:** Pinky promise

**Felix:** Pinky promise

**Sylvain:** :) I hope were good again

**Felix:** We are

**Felix:** Just don’t fuck up a third time today

**Felix:** Tell me about your tree house-to-be instead

**Sylvain:** Right!

**Sylvain:** I have a couple tallish trees in my backyard

**Sylvain:** And i just thought itd be nice to finally have a tree house for myself (and my friends)

**Sylvain:** I still have this old program to plan ur villa or whatever grand home ur never gonna have

**Sylvain:** Ingrid and me made blueprints all the time when we were kids so its super dated

**Sylvain:** I have to emulate it basically

**Sylvain:** But it does its job

**Felix:** Why the hell do you need to blueprint a single room tree house?

**Sylvain:** Okay i have the fancy tree house on my computer and there will be the budget version in my backyard hopefully later this year

**Sylvain:** Planning these things is still fun

**Sylvain:** But yeah ur right

**Felix:** Will you build it on your own?

**Sylvain:** That was the plan

**Sylvain:** Unless

**Felix:** Unless…?

**Sylvain:** Well since u seem to know everything so much better

**Sylvain:** U may join in and help me

**Felix:** Are you kidding?

**Sylvain:** This isnt a yes dripping with enthusiasm, is it?

**Felix:** It’s incredulity at your continued expectation of us hanging out

**Sylvain:** But isnt that what friends r supposed to do?

**Felix:** I

**Felix:** Yes but I’m

**Sylvain:** Struggling?

**Felix:** I don’t feel ready for this

**Felix:** Yes that too

**Sylvain:** But it seems to me ur slowly getting attuned to the idea of meeting…?

**Felix:** At a crawling snail-pace

**Sylvain:** Hey better than nothing!!!

**Felix:** Don’t get the wrong idea though

**Felix:** Give me time

**Sylvain:** I will!!

**Felix:** Ok

**Felix:** Then how about you tell me more about your tree house

**Sylvain:** Yes!!

**Sylvain:** Its prolly gonna be just a one room cottage-like thing

**Sylvain:** Im going for real windows tho so i can air it out

**Sylvain:** It wont be too high

**Sylvain:** Maybe 2 meters off the ground

**Sylvain:** I mean i have to go up a ladder each time and get down again so while more than that would be exiting i dont think its smart in the long run

**Felix:** I see

**Sylvain:** Yeah and 2 meters is enough for me to fit under *and* to reach the ground with my hands from outside to carry stuff into

**Sylvain:** And lex cant climb inside and piss against the walls which is a huge plus

**Felix:** Disgusting

**Sylvain:** Thats how dogs r

**Sylvain:** Is cat an indoors cat or do u let her roam the city?

**Felix:** Indoors. She’d just get run over

**Sylvain:** Ah i see

**Sylvain:** Well be happy u miss out on tick season then

**Felix:** Urgh

**Sylvain:** My feelings exactly

**Sylvain:** Doesnt cat ever do disgusting things apart from throwing up and then licking ur face?

**Felix:** Oh gods. Why do you remember that?

**Sylvain:** I try and remember everything abt my friends

While Felix struggles to recall certain things about his crush correctly. Great. He’s really not managing the ‘good impression’ part at all.

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** Well, does she?

**Felix:** Not really. She’s well-behaved

**Sylvain:** Lex is too but pets r just…

**Sylvain:** Yanno

**Sylvain:** Not human

**Sylvain:** Like they dont care abt etiquette

**Sylvain:** And randomly let one rip

For some reason, this makes Felix snicker. He tries to stifle the laughter bubbling up and ends up giggling until his voice thankfully cracks.

**Felix:** Yeah all right, that might have happened in the past

**Sylvain:** And dont cats do this thing?

**Felix:** What thing?

**Sylvain:** Yknow

**Sylvain:** When they sit on their butt and stretch their legs and lean down to lick their genitals

**Felix:** I just thought about this earlier today

**Sylvain:** SEE????

**Felix:** Because Cat licked me again

**Sylvain:** AwwwwwwwWWWWW

**Felix:** But don’t do dogs do that too?

**Sylvain:** Licking people? All the time

**Felix:** Licking their privates

**Sylvain:** Uh yeah

**Sylvain:** They do

**Sylvain:** U know what?

**Felix:** What?

**Sylvain:** Im trying to imagine what that feels like

**Felix:** You’re disgusting

**Sylvain:** *Feels* not *tastes*

**Felix:** I’m pretty sure you know what that feels like

**Sylvain:** What???

**Felix:** Are we really having this conversation?

**Sylvain:** Idk what u think abt me but im not acrobatic enough to accomplish this

Felix does not want to but he can’t keep from imagining Sylvain being more than acrobatic and play with himself in various ways. It’s a bad line of thought judging by the twitch in his pants, so Felix closes his eyes and thinks about burning buildings instead.

**Felix:** Shut the fuck up

**Sylvain:** I dont get it :(

**Felix:** Saints Sylvain if I am to believe you’re addicted to sex then you know perfectly well what it feels like to get your cock sucked

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Uh

**Sylvain:** Well thats not what dogs (or cats) actually do when they lick themselves

**Felix:** I don’t want to know so please don’t reply to my following question

**Felix:** Have you skipped asking yourself why you would want your own tongue on your limp dick?

**Sylvain:** I realize now that the past five minutes have been increasingly inappropriate and i want to sincerely apologize for the lack of thinking as well as for the lack of display of human intelligence that went into my statements during this timeframe

**Felix:** Good

**Sylvain:** We good again?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Dude i am so sorry for repeatedly getting u worked up today

**Sylvain:** Something must be off with me

**Felix:** I’m just on edge

**Sylvain:** Bc of the movie night

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** Speaking of

**Felix:** I have to go get ready now

**Sylvain:** Oh all right

**Sylvain:** I wish u a nice and fun evening!

**Sylvain:** Text me later?

**Felix:** I will

**Sylvain:** Yay!

**Sylvain:** U need to tell me all abt how ur night out was :)

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** Have a nice evening too

**Sylvain:** Thank u!!

It’s damn comfortable on his sofa, and Felix doesn’t want to ever leave it again. Still, he stretches and shoves his phone down his pants’ pocket before feeding Cat, getting dressed, and taking the beer he’d promised himself to bring out of his fridge. “I might be late,” he tells Cat because lately that’s what he does. Talk at her. Tell her things she neither understands nor cares about.

Grabbing his keys, Felix pops a piece of gum into his mouth and leaves the condo.

* * *

Ashe is already waiting outside, hands buried deep inside his coat’s pockets, a thick scarf wrapped around the lower half of his face and pulled up enough to cover his ears as well. His eyes crinkle with a thankful smile when he sees Felix round the corner and halt as close to him as possible. Reaching over, Felix opens the passenger side’s door.

“Hey. Thanks for picking me up,” Ashe says, voice muffled by his scarf. He’s mindful enough to knock his boots together for the snow to fall from the soles before sliding his legs inside as well and closing the door.

“Sorry for making you wait.”

“I just stepped outside! Don’t worry about it.”

Felix smirks at Ashe echoing his own words back at him. “The weather’s still awful.” He waits for Ashe to put on his seat belt, then drives on.

“You think so?” Ashe rubs his hands together and breathes onto them. Reaching over, Felix dials up the heat another notch. The beer in the back is going to boil and spoil.

“Mhm. I bought running shoes and the snow came literally one day later. I can’t use them like this.”

“Oh, this sucks.” Ashe turns his head to watch the city zip past his window. “Would you like to try out winter sports instead? I was thinking about going snowboarding next weekend.”

“On Saturday?”

“Yeah.” Ashe turns back around and Felix sees him smile out of the corner of his eye. “Would you like to come along?”

“I don’t know. Who else is coming?”

“No one.” Ashe laughs, now back to window-watching. “It just occurred to me going snowboarding would be fun. Or, uh, skiing if that’s more your thing.”

“I’ve never gone skiing.”

“But you grew up in Faerghus?”

“Yeah…” Felix sighs. “I only went sledding when I was younger.”

“Ah, I see.”

“I’m not bad with snowboards, though.” Felix drums on the steering wheel. “Let me sleep on it. I’ll tell you on Monday.”

Ashe flashes Felix a grin. “Thanks! You’re much more open-minded and easier to talk to than I thought at first.”

Felix raises an eyebrow. “Ah?”

“Probably because of the obligation of the job. You’re professional, and you always give off this cold vibe.”

Felix shoots a fleeting glance over to Ashe. He seems more responsible with information than Caspar but Caspar is the one Felix has known far longer. “It’s a little more complicated than that,” he deems all right to share. “You’re not completely wrong, though. People in my position don’t tend to hang with the newbies.”

“Yet here we are.” Ashe’s grin turns cheeky. “I even remember you telling me you’re struggling at making friends.”

“I take it you beg to differ?” Felix allows himself a grin back.

“If you were cold, then you’re at the very least thawing now. And I for one am glad you decide to humor me.”

_Thank Sylvain_ , Felix thinks. He can’t possibly explain this to Ashe, and now the simple act of picturing Sylvain makes a cocktail of fluttering emotions churn through Felix’s system. “I… appreciate this. Thank you.”

Ashe chuckles. “Not for something so simple.”

“It’s not simple for me.” And that’s all he’s going to say for now. Felix stops his car. “I think we’re there.”

“Yes, we are! Only need to cross the street. See the red banner on the windows?”

Felix turns off the motor and peeks outside. The streetlights illuminate the street somewhat, but since an incompetent engineer designed them to face the ground at a straight angle, everything across the street stays shrouded in darkness. The red banner is only visible because a light is burning in the room. “That’s Caspar’s place?”

“Yes, and Linhardt’s.”

“Let’s go then.” Felix swallows his gum when he steps outside, key ring in one hand and the beer in the other.

“Oh, I didn’t bring anything.”

Felix gives a half-shrug. “No one said we should.”

“True.” Ashe rings the bell—and good thing, too, because Felix never bothered to ask for Caspar’s and Linhardt’s family names—and it buzzes open shortly after.

Felix lets Ashe climb the stairs first. Someone who must be Linhardt—dark green hair pulled into a messy topknot, wearing a baggy tank and even baggier sweatpants—is leaning against the doorframe, a smile playing on his lips and in his eyes. He raises a hand and wriggles his fingers. “Hello.”

“Hey,” Ashe greets.

“Hi.” Felix nods at Linhardt and holds up the six-pack. “I brought beer.”

“I like the sound of that.” Linhardt removes himself from the doorframe, pulling up to his full height, which surpasses Felix’s (and Ashe’s) by mere centimeters. Felix should have worn the boots with heels.

He doesn’t get to bask in his self-pity, however, as Caspar rounds a corner in the apartment and steps into view. “Ashe! Felix!”

“Please, come in.” Linhardt turns around to walk into the apartment. “Oh, and please take off your shoes. I don’t want to deal with the slush everywhere…”

“Will do,” Ashe says. He doesn’t even get to start with that because as soon as he and Felix cross the threshold and Felix closes the door behind them, Ashe is assaulted by Caspar. They share a complicated looking handshake during which Felix rids himself of his footwear.

“Hey, Felix! Hey! Hey!” Great. Caspar is on caffein or has a sugar rush or… he’s simply his usual obnoxious self.

“I heard you the first time.” Felix gets up again. Caspar holds out his fist to him. Uh. Since he wouldn’t have been able to remember Ashe’s display even if he had been watching, Felix stares at it for a few seconds. Seeing Caspar will try and out-stall him, Felix knocks his own fist against Caspar’s, sending a jolt through his whole body. His fingers won’t stop tingling from the touch, no matter how many times Felix wipes the back of his hand on his pants.

“I see you brought beer,” Caspar says, watching Felix take off his coat.

“I did.”

“That’s great! I want to whip up something terrific with,” Caspar throws an arm around Ashe’s shoulders, making him jolt, “the best amateur cook ever.”

Ashe blushes. “That’s not—”

“And what do I do?” Felix asks. He’s not in the mood for cooking. No, he thought someone else might have had brains and bought chips or popcorn. Or, hell, he would’ve eaten a nasty protein bar. Just something quick and dirty, not something he’ll have to wait for before he can get the movie business behind him.

Caspar shrugs. “You can watch us _ooor_ you can get to know Lin!” Caspar waggles his eyebrows. Felix hopes this isn’t meant as an innuendo and just the normal amount of Caspar weirdness. “He won’t join us because he insists three people are a sign of bad fortune or impending doom or whatever. And four means death, according to him.”

“Superstitious much?”

“Nah. More like lazy.” Caspar rolls his eyes. “I’ll take the beer to the fridge. Lin can show you around. He’s,” Caspar turns around. Linhardt is nowhere to be found. Beer in hand making his muscles bulge in a way Felix can appreciate, Caspar peeks into the first room on the right side of the hall. “He’s in the living room.” Caspar nods his head at the open door and continues onward, leaving Felix to himself. He hadn’t even noticed Ashe’s disappearance. Great.

Entering the living room, Felix finds Linhardt sitting on the sofa in front of the TV still turned off, and petting a large black-and-white cat sprawled over his legs. This must be the rumored Sylvester. “Hey,” Felix says, as if they haven’t gone through this already five minutes ago, sitting down on the other end of the sofa. The room itself is tidy, all things considered, with the odd book here and a forgotten shirt there. The banner that was visible from outside turns out to be a flag with an Adrestian motif.

“Hello again.” Linhardt raises one of Sylvester’s front paws and waves it in Felix’s direction. “Meow,” Linhardt says. The cat just looks pissed.

And that’s it. Felix looks at Sylvester, Sylvester looks at Linhardt, and Linhardt probably looks at Felix. There’s nothing communicated telepathically through their triangle of discomfort, and the silence—apart from the clanking and shouting coming from the kitchen—pushes Felix’s shoulders down like an oppressive weight.

Licking his lips, Felix tries to start up some form of conversation. “Did you grow out your hair?”

“Oh, you noticed?” Linhardt’s eyes twinkle. “I like how it feels in summer in the wind.”

“Mine just gets blown everywhere.”

“Is it that bad with bangs?”

“Yes. The wind always comes from the opposite direction.”

“Even if you turn around?”

“Yes.”

“Perhaps you should grow your bangs out again.”

“Maybe I will.” And the conversation cuts off again. Felix waits for Linhardt to say something, or for Sylvester to do something, or for Ashe and Caspar to reemerge with the something they’re preparing in the kitchen. Ah. “Do you know what’s for, I don’t know, dinner? Or… movie food?”

“No, I didn’t ask. We can check if you’d like.”

“Okay.”

“Then please help me lift this weight.” Linhardt gestures with both hands at Sylvester. Felix is already getting up when Linhardt asks, “You work out, don’t you?”

“I got back into it only recently.”

“Well, you will still be stronger than me.”

When Felix touches the cat, Sylvester hisses, baring his teeth. Felix hesitates. “Ashe said he bites.”

“Why would Ashe bite you?” Linhardt asks. Felix looks from Sylvester to him to see the smile on his face. Caspar walks in then, raising an eyebrow at Felix whose hands are still on the cat and not moving. “Caspar, remove the cat,” Linhardt says.

“Seiros, Felix, do you have a death wish?!” Caspar asks. Felix slowly retracts his hands and lets Caspar handle this. He removes Sylvester as swift as wind, dumping him on the floor. The cat trots away, tail raised high as if something great just happened. “I was just gonna ask if there’s anything you can’t or don’t wanna eat.” Caspar turns back to Felix, scratching the back of his head. “We kinda forgot.”

“I dislike sweets.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, then we’re good.” Caspar flashes a grin and a thumbs-up, then ducks out of the living room again.

Linhardt slumps back, now into a lying position, and closes his eyes. “Do you still want to know what exactly they’re preparing?”

Felix shrugs. “Can you show me around? Then I’d at least know where the toilet is.”

“Oof, sure.” Linhardt makes a scene of getting up again, feigning to use up all of his energy. Felix crosses his arms and taps his fingers against his biceps while he waits. It doesn’t take too long, but if Linhardt can brandish his laziness like this, then Felix is allowed to flaunt his annoyance in turn. “Follow me.”

Felix gets a quick tour of the apartment. Apart from a living room, a kitchen and Linhardt’s and Caspar’s separate rooms (both untidy as hell), there is a little storage area for food and things like toilet paper (and boy, did they stock up on it; Felix does not want to know why one would feel the compulsion to hoard this much toilet paper). Linhardt also introduces Felix not to one bathroom, but two: The smaller one hosts only a toilet and a sink while the larger one has a toilet, but also a shower, a bathtub and two sinks. What a luxury.

“Do you have a balcony?” Felix asks once he and Linhardt are back in the living room.

“From the kitchen, yes.” Linhardt sits down on his previous place on the sofa. “Why are you asking?”

Felix takes the place he occupied first, too—at the other end of the sofa. “I smoke. I don’t want to fume up your place if I can help it.”

Linhardt wrinkles his nose. “A habit I do not approve of.”

“Neither does Ashe.”

“Does Caspar know?”

“He will soon enough.”

“He won’t be happy when he finds out.”

Felix absentmindedly runs a finger over his left arm. “It clashes too much with his lifestyle, huh.” It’s not a question, and Linhardt doesn’t reply. Nodding his head at the banner covering the windows, Felix asks, “Adrestian motif?”

“Yes. It’s our homeland. Although it doesn’t really matter anymore, what with the open borders, shared currency, no language barrier, and all…” Linhardt twirls a loose strand of his hair around a finger and sticks it back into his topknot. It doesn’t hold and falls right back out. Linhardt seems unperturbed.

“Why did you emigrate?”

Linhardt shrugs. “We were done with school. Caspar said he’ll go on a journey of self-discovery, I joined, and then we eventually ended up here, in Fhirdiad.” A smile plays over his lips. “Our families are not amused.”

“Ashe mentioned they don’t get along.”

“Yes.” Linhardt’s eyes twinkle. “They are expectedly disappointed in us for still sticking together.”

“I see.”

“And they’re decidedly upset at us for having left them behind for it.” Linhardt closes his eyes again, lacing his fingers over his belly.

“Cheeky.”

“Well, you reap what you sow.”

“Do you ever want to go back?”

“I can only speak for myself, but I’m happy with the way things worked out. I like it here.” Linhardt yawns. “Mind if I take a quick nap before the movie?”

Felix suppresses a sigh. “Go ahead.” He wants to wait for Linhardt to fall asleep, but watching him makes Felix uncomfortable. He gets up to join the others in the kitchen.

The door is slightly ajar, giving Felix the chance to peek inside first and decide if he wants to delve into the chaos. It’s not quite as bad as expected with Caspar and his questionable taste in music present, although it’s clear at a glance that Ashe is the one keeping the order. He looks up from his task of chopping vegetables, halting his movements. “Oh, come inside.”

Caspar keeps hacking at something with both less speed and finesse than Ashe. A piece falls to the floor and he picks it up to snack. “Did Lin bore you?”

“He went for a nap,” Felix replies, stepping inside and taking a seat at the table. Ashe and Caspar are working at the counter, backs turned to him.

Caspar does his best to crane his neck around. He’s no fucking owl and it shows. “This is so typical.” Giving up on breaking his neck to look at Felix while speaking, Caspar goes back to the task at hand. “I told him he can’t do that today.”

Ashe moves on to a heap of mushrooms now. “If he doesn’t nap now, he’ll surely fall asleep during the movie.”

“Why is that the number one thing everyone remembers about him?” Caspar sounds frustrated.

“His need for sleep?”

“Is he narcoleptic?” Felix asks.

“Maybe?” Caspar finishes his veggie and turns around.

“I think that would mean it’s involuntary,” Ashe says.

“Then not. Lin is just,” Caspar scratches the back of his head, startling when he realizes he’s still holding the knife, “f-fond of sleeping. And lazy. He’s the laziest man I’ve ever seen.”

“Give us some dirt,” Ashe says, voice oddly conspiratorial. Huh. He turns his head to flash Felix a guilty grin. At least he doesn’t lack self-awareness.

Caspar lowers his voice—which isn’t saying much. He’s still Caspar. “One time I caught him browsing listings for diapers.”

Ashe gasps. Felix wishes he just stayed in the living room, or better yet, at home. Here he’s privy to details he could very well have done without. Undeniably, ignorance is bliss.

“He didn’t even get flustered—” Caspar continues.

Felix clears his throat to put an end to this, wearing his best mask of authority. Looking for something else to talk about, Felix spots dough spread out flat, with a generous amount of red on it. “Are you making pizza?”

“Yes, a hundred percent self-made!” Caspar thumps Ashe on the back.

“Well, the flour, yeast, and vegetables are from the supermarket—”

“But you’ll grow them yourself in no time!”

“—and the meat comes from the butcher,” Ashe finishes.

“Are we splitting the cost?” is the first question that comes to Felix’s mind. He probably makes more than the other three of them combined by a landslide.

“Nah, it’s fine!” A big grin is plastered over Caspar’s face. “Next time we do this, we’ll just go to your place and then you’ll have to pay for it all.”

“Are you sure this is fair?”

“Dude, money is where friendship ends! Don’t make such a fuss over it.”

“All right.” Felix suppresses a sigh.

“You can help us if you want to.” Ashe gestures to the veggies he’s cut. “Someone needs to put the cheese on the pizzas so we can place everything else on it.”

Caspar starts, eyeing the knife in his hand. “Ah, right!” He goes back to chopping. “The cheese’s in the fridge.”

Felix retrieves already-grated cheese from the mess in there. There’s no rhyme nor reason as to where something is located, Caspar and Linhardt likely stuffing their purchases wherever a free spot presents itself. Felix does not want to know what kind of nasty secrets lurk in the back of the fridge.

The cheese looks good, though, self-made even, making Felix pity Ashe whose wrist no doubt must be cramping from preparing this much cheese. After doing his best to spread it evenly on the pizzas, Felix is handed the cut veggies and meat by Caspar. Ashe, at the very least, helps Felix.

“Do you have peppers, too?” Felix asks once they’re done.

“Uh, maybe?” Caspar replies. “Search the fridge.”

Goodness gracious, this is the last place Felix wants to delve into again, especially if he’s made to rummage through it. A peek inside can’t hurt though, he figures, and he spies a glass of spicy peppers, still unopened and good. “Found some.”

“They’re all yours if you want them.”

“Thanks.” Felix fails to open the glass on his first try. He can feel Caspar’s eyes bore into him, can already hear his voice in his head asking if he needs help. Hell no. With a burst of newfound motivation at his potential humiliation, Felix pops the glass open. “Forks?”

Caspar opens a drawer and hands him one. “You can use them up.”

“I heard you the first time.” Felix uses the fork to fish out enough peppers to make for a spicy portion for himself, but not enough to doom him to use up Caspar’s and Linhardt’s generous stash of toilet paper. The rest goes back in the fridge. Felix slices the peppers he picked out with Caspar’s knife and sprinkles them onto the part of the pizza he thereby reserves for himself.

In the meantime, Caspar thankfully shut off his music. “All done?” he asks when Felix loads the cutting board and the knife into the dishwasher.

“Yes.”

Ashe, humming under his breath, shoves the trays with the pizza into the oven. “Now we’ll have 15 minutes to kill.” He taps away on his phone, likely to set a timer.

“Oh, I know!” Caspar’s eyes shine in a way Felix doesn’t like. “That’s enough for one episode of SpongeBob!”

Ashe breaks out in a grin. “Ohhh, yes! Let’s watch the one where SpongeBob dresses up as a maid.”

“I’m out,” Felix says, sitting down at the table and pulling out his phone.

“Then you gotta watch the pizza! Make sure it won’t char!” Caspar shouts at his back as he and Ashe are leaving the room.

“Will do.”

Sylvain didn’t text. Well. Felix told him he wouldn’t be available this evening and now he checks his phone anyway, heart aflutter.

**Felix:** Got 15 minutes?

Sylvain is there fast, as almost always. What happened to his life?

**Sylvain:** Now i have this song stuck in my head

**Sylvain:** Egypt central

**Sylvain:** For 15 minutes of fame what would u do? Who would u hurt and who would u screw?

**Sylvain:** (I love that pun with “screw”)

Figures.

**Sylvain:** Anyway whats up?

**Felix:** They made me “watch the pizza”

**Sylvain:** I thought u were gonna watch shrek

**Felix:** They’re watching children’s cartoons

**Felix:** I’m watching the pizza

**Sylvain:** Pity

**Felix:** I volunteered

**Sylvain:** Aw cmon!!! I thought u wanted to socialize!

**Felix:** I have! And I will! But I need a break too

**Sylvain:** And crave entertainment by urs truly

**Felix:** Don’t make me spell it out

**Sylvain:** I already did for u

**Sylvain:** Anyway u r having pizza?

**Felix:** Homemade

**Felix:** My co-worker is apparently an accomplished amateur cook

**Felix:** His parents ran a restaurant

**Sylvain:** But they had to close it?

**Felix:** I don’t know

**Felix:** That’s all he told me and I’m not going to pry

**Sylvain:** Right ur

**Sylvain:** An orphan

**Felix:** I’ll be 29 in two weeks

**Sylvain:** Still it must suck not to have parents anymore

**Felix:** Do we really have to talk about this now?

**Sylvain:** Sorry

**Sylvain:** Today isnt my day

**Felix:** No damage done

**Sylvain:** I hope so

**Sylvain:** I dont wanna fight :(

**Felix:** What are you doing right now? Since you don’t seem to be going out anymore

**Sylvain:** Caught me red-handed

**Sylvain:** Im chilling at home and reading

**Sylvain:** Doro recommended me this novel series

**Sylvain:** Its crazy

**Felix:** Is it any good?

**Sylvain:** Oh im not too far along, cant tell yet

**Sylvain:** The premise tho

**Sylvain:** The main character is a courtesan

**Felix:** I see why you like it then

**Sylvain:** :))))

**Sylvain:** Doro warned me abt so many things like u wouldnt believe

**Felix:** Like what?

**Sylvain:** Basically everyone is bisexual

**Sylvain:** I dont know why she thought itd be a red flag for me :(

**Felix:** Because you keep flaunting your straightness around and it makes us fucking sick

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Hm

**Sylvain:** Ill need to think abt this later

**Sylvain:** We only have 3 mins left

**Sylvain:** So uh she also warned me there will be erotic scenes lmao as if im not all up for that

**Sylvain:** And hardcore bdsm which is icky but i guess ill manage

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** Im a big boy

**Sylvain:** Anyway im not too far along

**Sylvain:** Theres TONS of world-building in the beginning

**Sylvain:** U know how it is with fantasy

**Sylvain:** And the author has this convoluted way of writing. U know. Purple prose

**Sylvain:** Its not always bad per se but the book is like 900 pages so

**Felix:** What’s it called?

That’s when Ashe and Caspar barge back in. Hell. Felix had all but forgotten about his surroundings. He didn’t even notice the pizza begin to emit a delicious smell. Now that he does, his mouth instantly waters. Damn, he’s pathetic.

“Oooh, who’re you texting?” Caspar asks, craning his neck to look over Felix’s shoulder.

Felix shoves his phone down his front pocket. “No concern of yours.”

“I have to admit I am curious as well,” Ashe says, pulling on oven mitts and turning his back to Felix.

“Curiosity killed the cat,” Felix huffs.

“But satisfaction brought it back,” Ashe counters, placing the trays with the pizza on top of the glass-ceramic cooktop. At Felix’s scowl, Ashe grins. “You were smiling so wistfully.”

Oh gods. It’s bad enough if Felix is pining in secret, and now Caspar, whose eyes widen in surprise, has caught on, too. Because Felix wears his yearning on his sleeves—Glenn was right, you can see it in his very obvious eyes—and Ashe spells everything out. “Are you in love?” Caspar asks, voice oddly subdued.

“What of it?” Felix gets up. “I don’t want to discuss my feelings.”

“Oh.” Caspar looks sullen. “It’s one-sided.”

Felix makes sure Caspar can see him roll his eyes at him. “Where are the plates and glasses?”

“Uh, that cupboard.” Caspar points. Felix hauls it for what they need, drawing himself to his full height even though it won’t make much of a difference. “Is she already taken?”

“Caspar…” Ashe stops cutting the pizza into pieces to shove Caspar out of the door. The man is a blessing.

Felix’s shoulders sag when he hears the door click shut. “Thanks.”

Ashe sighs. “At times he really can’t take a hint.” He resumes his task, then stacks the slices, building an extra heap solely out of Felix’s peppered portion. “I mean, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested but this isn’t worth hurting someone over.”

“I’m less hurt and more annoyed.”

“Yeah. You’re obviously on talking terms with her.”

“Him.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Ashe bows his head to hide a flush Felix saw spread over his face regardless. “I didn’t know you are gay.” Ashe stutters out a laugh. “When we had that meeting with Annette Dominic… I would’ve sworn you made eyes at her.”

“Ashe, kindly shut the fuck up. Please.”

“U-uh, okay…”

Cradling the dishes and utensils, Felix walks over to the door and pushes the handle down with his elbow. There’s no Caspar camping on the other side of it. Felix presses on, Ashe at his heels. They find Caspar along with Linhardt and their cat in the living room, all three of them sprawled on the sofa in various positions but the same state of inactivity. The TV emits the sole light illuminating the room.

Caspar sits up straight when he notices the newcomers. “Felix, man, I need to apologize.” He scratches the back of his head, tousling his hair somewhat. “I didn’t mean to put the finger in the wound or anything.”

“Accepted _if_ you will never mention it again. I don’t want to talk about it. Not now. Not ever. Capisce?” Felix puts on his most intimidating scowl and sets the dishes down with a loud clang.

“Y-yes!” Caspar sets the table in record time without having to ask.

Linhardt, meanwhile, rises like a member of the undead from their grave, holding a hand in front of his mouth to stifle his yawn. “Did I miss something amusing?”

“No,” Felix replies, curt and crisp. He sits down at the far end of the sofa again, pulling up his legs to his chest when Ashe needs to pass him to occupy the place next to his.

Caspar reaches for the remote and navigates his TV to the movie selection. “Everyone ready?”

“I’m awake,” Linhardt says.

“I’m good to go,” Ashe says, taking a slice of pizza.

Felix grabs one of his special ones as well. “Start the movie already.”

“Yes, yes.” Caspar does as he’s told, cursing under his breath. As soon as the first images appear on screen, he drops his head to rest in Linhardt’s lap, stretching out his legs across Ashe and Felix.

“Get your nasty feet out of my face.” Felix shuffles further to the edge of the sofa, drawing his knees up and hitting Caspar in the soles of his feet with them. How the hell is Felix supposed to concentrate on the movie like this, never mind enjoy his pizza?

Caspar retracts his legs, placing his feet between himself and Ashe without complaint. The movie commences and, while not exactly quiet in his reactions, Caspar at least doesn’t turn into a distraction of the infuriating sort.

* * *

They open the beer with the start of the second movie. It doesn’t last long, and Caspar leaves to fetch a bottle of Tequila along with a cut lime and salt. Felix is glad he designated himself a driver and doesn’t have to join. Linhardt stays out of it, too.

Caspar and Ashe, however, have finished the whole bottle by the time the movie’s almost over. Then the scene they’ve all been waiting for (or, in Felix’s case, dreading) plays: As human-turned Shrek tries to rescue Fiona from the advances of Prince Charming, the Fairy Godmother slowly begins with her take on _Holding out for a Hero_. And Caspar, merrily drunk, starts singing along at the top of his voice. He only hits the right notes by chance, most of his singing sounding like a cat fornicating. Ashe hums along at first but joins in at the first chorus, hands raised high in the air. Felix shuffles even further away from them.

And it’s a good call, since Caspar nudges Ashe to get up and dance with him. Felix looks over to Linhardt who has his hands clasped over his ears. Then the doorbell of their apartment rings. Linhardt either doesn’t care or doesn’t notice, so, sighing, Felix exits the living room, closing the door behind him, and answers the door.

A distressed-looking woman about Felix’s age stands on the other side, hands at her hips. “Can you be a little quieter, please?” she asks. “Your ruckus woke up my baby and now she won’t stop crying.”

“Sorry. I’ll talk to them.”

“Thanks.” The woman turns on her heel and leaves.

Felix shuts the door and creeps back into the living room. Caspar and Ashe have moved on in the meantime, streaming _I Can’t Dance_ by Genesis on Caspar’s phone, the movie still playing in the background now all but forgotten. At least they show some semblance of self-awareness if the title is any indication (and the chorus’s words: ‘I can’t sing’). Eyes sweeping over the room, Felix locates the remote to first shut off the TV, then he pauses the song on the incriminating phone.

“Hey!” Caspar yells, hands at his sides clenched into fists.

“One of your neighbors complained about the volume.” Caspar is drunk enough to stumble, and Felix sidesteps his weak attempt at whatever physical thing he had in mind. “I came to watch a movie with you, not to have to deal with the cops.” Ashe sniffles. His whole face turns red and he starts crying. Great. “And I did not want to turn into a babysitter.”

Linhardt finally removes his hands. “What’s going on?”

“Did you sleep with your eyes open?” Felix pinches his own arm. He shouldn’t get so worked up now. “Ashe and Caspar are completely shit-faced.” As if on cue, Caspar staggers out of the room, retching.

“Oh no. I hate it when this happens.” Linhardt stretches himself and goes after Caspar.

Ashe is still weeping, now sitting on the floor. Felix kneels down in front of him and snaps his fingers to make him look at him. “Are you lucid enough to answer me?”

“Y-yes.” Ashe swallows and wipes at his still-leaking eyes.

“Want to call it a day?”

“You’ll take me home, right?” Ashe asks, slurring the words, voice wavering.

“Do you live by yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Then you’re coming with me.”

“Home?”

“My home. I don’t trust you not to choke on your own vomit.”

Ashe starts weeping again. This is going to be a long, long night. “I’m gonna get fired.”

“You can’t get fired if you die first. C’mon.” Felix heaves Ashe up by his armpits. He’s surprisingly heavy, but then again, Felix is still a skinny fuck. He does his best to half-carry Ashe into the kitchen where he pours him a glass of tap water. “Drink this.”

Ashe accepts the glass and, although his hands are shaking, he manages to spill only a few drops. Felix waits for him to finish, then takes him with him to look for the others. They find Linhardt standing watch in front of the smaller bathroom. “I’m sorry for the way the evening played out,” he says.

“Will you be fine dealing with Caspar on your own?”

“I can handle him.” Linhardt goes for a confident smile that turns into a frown when he realizes Ashe is standing right next to Felix. “But not two people. Caspar is going to rob enough of my sleep.”

“I’ll be looking after Ashe. Did this happen last week too, when the two of them went partying?”

“I don’t know.” Linhardt shrugs. “They left when I was napping. They returned when I was napping.” The man was born with enough carefreeness to support a whole household.

An insistent tug at Felix’s sleeve makes him turn to Ashe. “I need to pee really badly,” he whispers.

“Come.” Felix steers him around to the other bathroom. “I hope you can do this on your own.”

“I hope so, too…” Felix turns his back as Ashe stumbles into the bathroom. He doesn’t even turn on the light. The sound of him relieving himself reminds Felix that he’s aching for a piss as well. Eh. He’ll have to hold it. “Linhardt?”

“Yes?”

“We’ll be going when Ashe is done.”

“All right. I’ll inform Caspar once he’s back with me.”

“Thanks.” Ashe stumbles back out of the bathroom. Felix can’t remember him drawing water. Ew. He sidesteps quickly and pushes at Ashe’s back to get him to go to the front door. “Get dressed.” Felix spares Ashe only half his attention while he pulls on his coat and boots. “Did we forget anything?”

“I… I don’t know.” Ashe’s voice is quivering. Again.

“Okay. We can come back tomorrow if we did.” Felix makes sure he has his phone on him, then leaves the apartment with Ashe. Getting him down the stairs is an ordeal, but they eventually reach the bottom. “No puking nor pissing in my car, all right?”

“All right.” Ashe will keep his word.

* * *

Felix groans when he wakes up, turning away from Ashe. He can’t believe he actually let him sleep in his bed. There must be someone up there (…or down there), listening to Felix’s every thought and word, and paying close attention to things like, ‘I want to feel something besides bad and sad,’ and, ‘I don’t want to wake up by myself anymore’.

Yet leaving Ashe on his own would have been irresponsible. He’d been a crying mess for the rest of the evening, eventually succumbing to sleep and leaving Felix to more or less to watch him, to make sure he won’t throw up and choke. Eventually, Felix must have fallen asleep as well. Ashe is still breathing, though, and Felix deems it safe to sneak out and smoke.

When he sneaks back into his bedroom to grab a change of clothes for a much-needed shower, Felix sees Cat snuggled up to Ashe while he was out. This is good. She’ll have the sense to alert Felix should something happen. He hopes. Attributing her with human qualities isn’t the smartest thing he’s done in his life, but on the other hand, his list of fuck-ups is tremendous, so it evens out.

Ashe is still asleep when Felix checks on him after his shower, and then after his bleak breakfast. Felix could wake him up. Eh. Nah. He’ll revel in the peace a little longer.

Stifling a yawn, he takes his phone and pulls up his chat with Sylvain. The man must be up since Felix already got an instagram notification in. The image shows Lex making eyes at Sylvain’s breakfast.

**Sylvain:** Kushiels dart

**Sylvain:** Theres 9 novels in total i believe

**Sylvain:** Honestly ill be happy if i get thru this one unscathed

**Sylvain:** I just know some image will burn itself in my head and haunt me

**Sylvain:** Oh ur gone

**Sylvain:** Have fun tonight!!

**Felix:** I’m back

**Felix:** The movies were all right

**Felix:** Nothing I’d watch of my own volition

**Felix:** I liked the cat. It was the highlight

**Felix:** And I missed the conclusion of the second movie though and that’s where we stopped

It doesn’t take Sylvain more than five minutes to realize he’s been texted.

**Sylvain:** Ohhhhh ur back!!!

**Felix:** I just said so

**Sylvain:** Slow brain day

**Sylvain:** But was it an evening well-spent?

**Felix:** It was an evening

**Sylvain:** Cant deny that…

**Felix:** We had pizza. It was good

**Sylvain:** The one u were watching?

**Felix:** Exactly

**Felix:** My co-worker made it

**Sylvain:** Nice

**Felix:** I put chili peppers on it

**Sylvain:** Red hot? ;)

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Shame

**Felix:** I like it spicy

**Sylvain:** Oh i have a question then

**Sylvain:** Hypothetically speaking

**Sylvain:** Would u eat chocolate with chili peppers?

**Felix:** Depends on the chocolate

**Felix:** And the chocolate-to-pepper ratio

**Sylvain:** Ok thx!!

**Sylvain:** So uh y didnt u fifnish the second movie?

**Sylvain:** *Finish

**Felix:** We did, I just missed the conclusion

**Sylvain:** Yes but why?

**Sylvain:** Did u fall asleep? :o

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** My gym acquaintance and my co-worker decided to drain a whole bottle of tequila between the two of them

**Sylvain:** A full bottle?!!!

**Felix:** Im not sure if it was full

**Felix:** It was half a liter iirc

**Sylvain:** Still

**Sylvain:** Holy shit

**Sylvain:** R they okay?

**Felix:** They started singing and dancing so violently that I had to calm down a neighbor

**Felix:** Then I made them stop because my acquaintance’s roommate just fucking slept through it

**Felix:** Acquaintance started puking his guts out in the bathroom

**Felix:** Co-worker was a crying mess thinking I’ll get him fired

**Felix:** (I won’t)

**Sylvain:** Oh no

**Felix:** I took him home with me

**Felix:** He was still sleeping when I last checked on him

**Sylvain:** In ur bed?

**Felix:** Yes, in my bed, so I could watch him in the night to make sure he wouldn’t die

**Felix:** Don’t start your bullshit again or you’re effectively on mute for the next three centuries

**Sylvain:** Seiros felix i dont think sharing ur bed with ur friends (in a non-sexual way) is weird

Right. Sylvain already said something like this way, way up in their chat log.

**Felix:** Good

**Felix:** Don’t change

**Sylvain:** Not on ur watch :)

There comes a shuffling sound from Felix’s bedroom. He’s so attuned to the silence in his home that every alien sound registers immediately. Sighing, he gets up.

**Felix:** I think my co-worker woke up

**Felix:** I’m going to check on him

**Sylvain:** Do that

Ashe is indeed sitting up, massaging his forehead with both hands. Cat is still with him, curled up by his side but watchful, eyes tracking Felix. He walks inside and sits down next to Ashe. “You’re up.”

“I feel like I’m about to drop dead.”

“You’re not.”

Ashe removes his hands, folding them in his lap and staring at them. “I also made an utter fool out of myself in front of you.”

“Yes.”

“This is humiliating…”

“Reflect on what you did and learn from it.”

“I-I will.” Ashe finally raises his head to look at Felix. “We, uh, we didn’t do anything—”

“No. I just thought it’d be better if someone made sure you’d be all right.”

“That’s very virtuous of you.” Pushing himself up with his hands from the edge of the mattress, Ashe gets up and takes a few wonky steps. “I need to use the bathroom.”

“Follow me.” Felix leads the way, Ashe and Cat trailing after him.

“Your cat is so well-behaved. Unlike Caspar’s beast.”

“Didn’t you feed it as well?”

“Yes, but if I had adopted it, I’d have taught it some manners.”

Felix tries and fails to picture Ashe succeeding, waiting outside the door for him to finish his business. “Do you want breakfast?”

“Something simple would be nice. Toast with butter or so. And tea, if you have some.”

“I have this Earl Grey blend, if that’s your thing.”

“It’s all right. To be honest, I’ve never seen you drink tea, only that indigestible coffee in Black Lions—”

Felix snorts. “That’s an understatement.”

“—and I thought maybe you didn’t like tea.”

“It’s all right. I prefer coffee is all.”

“Even the one at work?”

“Even the one.”

Ashe laughs and steps outside the bathroom. “I’m sorry for the way I look and smell.”

Felix gives a half-shrug. “I’ll just throw you out after your breakfast.”

“I should be offended, but it’s understandable.” Ashe looks down at his crinkled clothes. “I’m a mess.”

“I’ll just pretend this day never happened.” Felix enters the kitchen, Ashe following him. Cat is already waiting by her bowl, staring into it in silent admonishment. Sighing, Felix fills it with food. “Help yourself, Ashe.”

“Right.” He’s able to prepare his meager breakfast with pointers where to find things from Felix, then sits down across from him at the table, hands folded around his cup of tea. “You don’t want to eat?”

“I already have.”

“Oh.” Ashe’s eyes dart around the room and settle on Felix’s phone. “Have you already heard anything from Caspar? Or Lin?”

“I haven’t checked. I… only text with one person.”

“Ah.” Ashe smiles. “How did you get to know your, uh, crush? Is it a crush?”

“Some woman he chatted up gave him a wrong number—mine—and he started texting me instead.”

Ashe’s eyes widen. “So he doesn’t know you’re someone else?”

“What?” Felix can feel his whole face scrunch up. “I told him immediately. We just kept texting.”

“So what’s he like?”

“Heterosexual.”

Ashe chews on his toast, not looking like he enjoys it at all. “I’m sorry. It must be hard—”

“If you haven’t noticed, I don’t want to talk about it.” Not now, and not with Ashe.

“Uhm, right.” The remainder of Ashe’s breakfast passes in silence. Only when he’s done does he ask, “If you’re not much of a tea drinker, then how come you have so much tea at home?”

“One guess.”

“Your, uh, your crush?”

“Stop calling him that.” Felix crosses his arms in front of his chest. “He’s my friend, first and foremost.”

“Sorry. This is all— I’m not sure how to speak about this.”

“Then just don’t.”

“Well, I’m finished. Thanks for the breakfast. And for taking care of me.” Ashe stands up and bows his head, then loads his used dishes and glass into Felix’s sink.

“I’ll drive you home if you want.”

Ashe’s shoulders sink in relief. “That would be very courteous.” He turns around and the careful smile on his face mirrors what his body language displays. “I’m sorry if I upset you, and I’m glad you’re not throwing me out just like this.”

“Sometimes someone just needs a friend,” Felix mutters under his breath.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

“Doesn’t matter. Put on your stuff and make sure you don’t forget anything.”

“Yes. Thank you again.” Ashe smiles, cheeks reddening. “I know I smell but can I hug you?”

“Make it quick.”

Ashe’s smile turns into a radiant beam. He keeps his word. And Felix does his, driving him home with the snow falling softly outside.


	15. Day 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for 150 subs, 500 kudos, and as always, your lovely comments <3

Today has been another day at work like all the others, already a blurry, hazy patch in Felix’s memory, and he’s not even left the building. No, on the contrary: He’s making his way towards Dimitri’s office, climbing the stairs without shortness of breath, gait purposeful and sure-footed. An idea came to Felix while he was crunching numbers, and the devil on his shoulder tells him to act on it.

Dimitri bellows, “Come in,” after Felix’s first knock. He pushes the door open and steps inside. “Oh, it’s you.”

“Yes. Hello.”

“I didn’t see you at lunch.” Dimitri gestures at the chair opposite his throne.

Felix throws his coat on the chair, then sits down, placing his laptop case on the desk in front of him. “I skipped.”

Dimitri frowns. “That’s not healthy.”

“I’ll eat at home. And I’m not here for you to scold me.”

“I’m just worried about your well-being.”

Felix sighs. “I’m doing fine. Some days are just a little harder than others.” Desperate to have something else to discuss, Felix’s eyes dart around the room. “I didn’t know you had a cactus.”

“Oh, her?” Dimitri smiles, swivels around on his chair, and grabs the cactus to set it down on his desk between him and Felix. “Dedue has so many offsets from his plants that he gave one into my care. He says that if I take good care of her, she’ll eventually bloom.”

“‘Her’?”

“Well, is a male plant going to bloom?”

“I always thought there were male and female flowers? And some flowers are both?”

“What?!”

“I don’t know.” Felix shrugs. “I’m here, not at some bio lab.”

Only now does he notice the blush on Dimitri’s cheeks. “I’m thinking of a name.”

“I’m bad at naming. Don’t ask me for help.”

Sighing, Dimitri says, “I guess I’ll have to come up with something on my own.”

“Damn right.”

“So what brings you here, if it’s not work-related?”

“I never said that.”

Dimitri frowns again. “I thought you did.” His eye glazes over and Felix waits for him to come back from wherever he just went. “Hm. You’re right.”

Felix waves a hand. “I’m here on personal business.” He fiddles with the hem of his sleeve under the desk, where Dimitri hopefully won’t see. “I was wondering if you’re free next week.”

Dimitri hums a melody so out of tune Felix couldn’t place it if he cared. He raises his head to watch the snowflakes fall outside, only looking at Dimitri when he stops humming to say, “Would next Tuesday work? Right after the board meeting?”

“Yes. I thought we could go bowling and, I don’t know, talk some more.”

Dimitri’s smile is pure enough to melt the whole of Faerghus. “Oh, I haven’t gone in a long time. I’m already looking forward to this!”

“So am I,” Felix says, managing a smile of his own. “I’ll be here with the car, so I can drive you home afterwards.”

“That sounds like a plan!”

Felix nods. “I’ll be going now, then. Still want to hit the gym.”

“I won’t be too long, either.” Dimitri nods at Felix. “Have fun, and a nice evening. Don’t forget to eat.”

“Thanks. You, too.” With that, Felix grabs his stuff and leaves.

* * *

Felix is curled up in his usual spot on the sofa, Cat resting against his side and purring softly to the rhythm of his hand running through her fur, TV blaring away about anything and everything. His phone is sitting on the table in front of him, next to his plate of cracked nuts, in case something comes up.

And there’s Sylvain. Of course there’s Sylvain. Sylvain who’s the only one Felix bothers to text, wants to text, wants to reply to. Sylvain who shares so much and expects so little in return. Sylvain who, unbeknownst to him himself, makes Felix’s days somewhat better with his Instagram stories and the selfies he uploads. The picture today was good since Sylvain was on it (duh), posing with a few other men in what Felix assumes is his studio, seeing as there were all kinds of equipment in the blurry background, including a drum set.

The indicator for a new message lights up on Felix’s phone. He’s been watching it out of the corner of his eye for just this to happen. The TV is only on to fool himself into normalcy when Felix’s wandering thoughts must have summoned Sylvain himself.

Felix opens the chat. Yes. It’s Sylvain.

**Sylvain:** HOME

**Sylvain:** SWEET HOME

**Sylvain:** I am HOME

**Sylvain:** I am TIRED

**Felix:** Evening

**Sylvain:** G’evening to u *tips hat*

**Felix:** Are you a fucking cowboy?

**Sylvain:** I can be for u ;)

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Then no

**Sylvain:** I am not a fucking cowboy

**Felix:** Good

**Sylvain:** Im just a tired old fart

**Felix:** You’re not really old

**Sylvain:** *Im just a tired fart

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Savage

**Sylvain:** How r u?

**Felix:** The usual

**Felix:** Tired

**Felix:** Mildly stressed

**Sylvain:** Drink tea

**Felix:** I’m not in the mood to get up right now

**Sylvain:** Is cat sitting on u?

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Where is she?

**Felix:** Next to me

**Sylvain:** Pic pic pic

**Sylvain:** Ull get one in return too!!!

Okay, that does him. Felix snaps a picture, not bothering to remove his hand still stroking Cat’s side.

**Felix:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** I. Love. Her.

**Sylvain:** Also ur still texting one-handed?

**Felix:** Priorities

**Sylvain:** Cant fault u. Id do the same

**Felix:** Where’s your picture?

**Sylvain:** Right! Lemme get up

**Felix:** Ok?

Sylvain doesn’t reply for a little over two minutes.

**Sylvain:** Sorry it took so long

**Sylvain:** It was a pain to make lex look at the cam

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

Sylvain’s one-upped Felix again. He’s perched next to his massive dog—and yes, Felix googled huskies and Lex had no right to have grown as big as he is—and smiling serenely up at the camera. Felix’s heart stutters at the sight. It’s the first smile of Sylvain’s that looks not staged but real, _genuine_ , eyes crinkling at the corners, cheeks reddened slightly beyond the day’s faint growth of stubble. Felix catches himself touching his phone’s surface as if he’s able to reach into the picture. He’s so damn pathetic.

Taking a deep breath, Felix looks again. Lex is indeed eyeing the camera, although he does not appear to understand what’s going on, head inclined to the side and ears perked as if listening for something. Sylvain has an arm thrown around him, the other raised high to hold the phone. He’s wearing a hoodie that does not conceal the muscle Felix knows is hiding underneath. And, for the first time, the edge of Sylvain’s tattoo on his neck is visible, a pink petal next to the thorns wrapping around the right side of his neck.

It’s a beautiful picture, and Felix takes an ounce of pride in the knowledge that this is a private one, taken only for him, shared only with him.

**Sylvain:** Happy? :)

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** Thank you

**Sylvain:** Yea lex managed to be extra cute in it!!!

**Sylvain:** Look at his head

**Sylvain:** Tippy to the side

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** How was ur day?

**Felix:** The usual

**Felix:** Tiring

**Felix:** Mildly stressful

**Sylvain:** Im beginning to see a pattern here

**Felix:** Damn right

**Felix:** How was yours?

**Sylvain:** Just came home from the pool. Showered there

**Sylvain:** My hair *still* stinks like chlorine but eh

**Sylvain:** I can shower again before i officially hit the hay

**Felix:** Ew

**Sylvain:** Right?

**Sylvain:** I heard they put that stuff in the water bc so many people pee in it

**Felix:** Disgusting

**Sylvain:** Were on the same page

**Sylvain:** Anyway before that at work

**Sylvain:** Had some new guys over at the studio

**Sylvain:** They look so young!! Barely growing fuzz

**Sylvain:** Apparently finished high school last summer

**Sylvain:** They wanted to record their first album

**Sylvain:** No contract and stuff, i dont really want to take them on lmao

**Felix:** So it’s a one-time thing?

**Sylvain:** Yes

**Sylvain:** And well

**Sylvain:** The drummer was really good

**Sylvain:** And their rhythm guitar should play lead imho

**Sylvain:** Thats about it

**Felix:** No one can sing?

**Sylvain:** They do instrumental only

**Sylvain:** But dude their bass

**Sylvain:** Oooof

**Sylvain:** Ooooooof

**Felix:** Good oof or bad oof?

**Sylvain:** He sucks

**Sylvain:** I mean i get it hes their friend and finding a good bass is hard as fuck

**Sylvain:** But hes the kind who wants to play way beyond their abilities

**Sylvain:** So (a) he fucks up all the time. We had to do so many retakes and i guess ill be splicing them together eventually to save them some of their pocket cash

**Sylvain:** And (b) he keeps getting faster. Say they start at 90 bpm and at the end of the song hes reached a solid 110

**Sylvain:** His lines arent that great either. Just straight eighths

**Felix:** Ok

**Felix:** That sounds painful to listen to

**Sylvain:** It is

**Sylvain:** Hes so out of synch

**Sylvain:** I talked to him and he admitted he just picked up the thing and did what his guitar friends told him to

**Sylvain:** Cant read notation. Has no clue abt how chords work and what he can do to harmonize with them. He never uses his pinky to press down the strings bc “it hurts”

**Felix:** Is that a thing?

**Sylvain:** For novice players

**Sylvain:** And maybe people like me

**Sylvain:** I gave him a few pointers and stuff

**Felix:** What do you mean, people like you?

**Sylvain:** Im not gonna give him lessons on the spot lol he can sign up and pay for them like all the others

**Sylvain:** Oh i broke some of my fingers when i was a kid

**Felix:** That must have hurt

**Sylvain:** It did

**Sylvain:** Nearly passed out from the pain haha

**Sylvain:** Im still sluggish with the them

**Felix:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Its mostly my left hand so i can manage

**Sylvain:** But ill never make it big in the music biz as a player

**Felix:** Would you have liked to?

**Sylvain:** Honestly?

**Sylvain:** I dont know

**Sylvain:** When i was a teen a thought itd be pretty neat and daydreamed abt it

**Sylvain:** But im happy with what im doing now

**Sylvain:** I can play well enough for that

**Sylvain:** But i get to cheat u know

**Sylvain:** Mix my own stuff until it sounds perfect

**Felix:** It still sounds like it sucks

**Felix:** I mean the finger. Not your songs

**Sylvain:** Awww

**Sylvain:** Like i said: I can manage

Felix frowns at his phone. He gets the distinct notion that he’s treading dangerous paths and that taking a step back and picking a different route may be the wisest course.

**Felix:** I didn’t know you’re also giving lessons

**Sylvain:** I do on the side

**Sylvain:** Mainly beginners stuff. Since theres always some point at which my students surpass me

**Sylvain:** From a technical point of view

**Felix:** Right

This did not go as well as planned. Time for yet another angle.

**Felix:** So what will you do about the bass player?

**Sylvain:** Ill show him how tabs work and how to tab out his stuff, how to communicate with his bandmates and not have them dictate everything to him but give him room to learn and grow

**Sylvain:** Not just the guitars for harmonics but also the drummer for rhythm

**Sylvain:** And then its mercifully not my problem anymore and i can go back and work with people who either know their shit or are willing to learn on their own

**Felix:** You sound kinda bitching

**Sylvain:** Yea now that u mention it lol

**Sylvain:** But whatever it pays the bills

**Sylvain:** And i wont look like an asshole

**Felix:** You get to make the rules

**Felix:** I wouldn’t worry about it

**Sylvain:** I do need to row in enough of a customer base to earn a living

**Sylvain:** Im a one man company

**Felix:** Ok you’re right

**Felix:** We have customer acquisition, management, counseling, the whole shebang

**Sylvain:** And u personally only get the special cases like the youtuber right?

**Felix:** I hated that

**Felix:** I’m not good at communication

**Sylvain:** For allegedly not being good at it i must admit uve been communicating a LOT with me

**Felix:** This is easier

**Felix:** No pressure, no reprimands if something goes wrong

**Felix:** My life would go on like it had before if we had a falling out

**Sylvain:** :(

**Sylvain:** I dont want that

**Felix:** Me neither

**Felix:** You made it a little less bleak

**Felix:** I go out more now

**Sylvain:** Im crying

**Felix:** What why?

**Sylvain:** Happiness

**Sylvain:** Im overwhelmed

**Sylvain:** No one ever says these nice things to me

**Felix:** I’m not nice

**Sylvain:** Wrong ur nice

**Felix:** No?

**Sylvain:** So uh since u basically admitted i had a positive effect on ur life. Its true the other way round too

**Sylvain:** I feel better than i have in a long time

Something—hope?—swells in Felix’s chest, making his heart flutter and the blood rush to his head. He’s becoming dizzy with a warped sense of longing. Reaching for the nuts to have something to chew on, he swallows down the ecstasy spreading through his body.

**Felix:** I always thought you were happy

**Sylvain:** I live in the land of fairy tales and make-belief

**Felix:** That does not sound healthy

**Sylvain:** Its not that bad!

**Sylvain:** Please dont worry abt me

**Sylvain:** I like my job. I am on talking terms with my parents which is saying a lot

**Sylvain:** I dont have to worry abt money or food or anything

**Sylvain:** I have a great dog and great friends and i am glad i made one more :)

**Felix:** You sure?

**Sylvain:** WE WERE OVER THE FRIEND THING

**Felix:** Seiros no need to shout

**Sylvain:** Its only caps

**Felix:** I read it as shouting

**Felix:** Anyway that’s not what I meant

**Sylvain:** Yea yea i get it

**Sylvain:** Look i have my issues and id feel weird just unloading all that crap on u like this

**Felix:** Ok

**Felix:** If there’s anything you need or want to talk about, I’ll lend an ear

**Sylvain:** Thats sweet

**Sylvain:** Same to u btw

Felix takes a deep breath. He can try and pretend to be a detective for once. Sylvain has so far presented him with a couple of puzzle pieces, and if Felix is smart about it, he can put the picture together. All right. Think.

Sylvain said his childhood wasn’t great. He broke his fingers when he was a kid, and he liked doing normal things. Normal in-between… what? Something that’s not considered normal, at any rate. He once said something about a sibling, and the way he talks about his family members makes it seem as if his relationship with them is strained. Moreover, he only has two friends (apart from Felix), and that’s not normal for someone this open-minded and easy to talk to and hot. No, that’s normal for people like Felix who spend their whole time either working or lying in bed and can’t bring themselves to give a flying fuck about anything.

Then there’s the whoring. The photos Sylvain shares are obvious—he wants people to tell him he’s handsome. The sex? May also be a sign he’s longing for something. Acknowledgment? Is he trying to prove something? Or is this like a silent cry for help? That would be scary. And way past anything Felix can deal with right now, his stomach already turning at the thought.

Something is off about all this, and Felix can’t put his finger on it. Ugh! He hates being smart enough to think yet too dumb to draw conclusions.

He needs more pieces for this puzzle.

**Sylvain:** Hey uh

**Sylvain:** Can we talk abt something else?

**Felix:** Sure

**Sylvain:** Did u start reading?

**Felix:** Oh yes

**Felix:** I finished the first book

**Sylvain:** Lotr?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** The first book or the first novel?

**Felix:** Novel

**Sylvain:** What did u think?

**Felix:** It dragged on

**Felix:** There are so many stupid songs

**Sylvain:** Lmao right!! I forgot

**Sylvain:** It gets better

**Sylvain:** Somewhat

**Felix:** Nothing much happened

**Felix:** They were basically only walking for 500 pages

**Felix:** But it said in the first 15 of my copy that these Hobbit things smoke weed and it made me think of you

**Sylvain:** FELIX

**Felix:** What? It’s true

**Sylvain:** NO

**Sylvain:** Tolkien meant tobacco (or something like it)!!! Read the appendices

**Felix:** Do you smoke cigs?

**Sylvain:** Nope

**Felix:** Ok then

**Felix:** Point taken

**Felix:** Anyway I liked the ring itself

**Felix:** How it can make you invisible

**Sylvain:** It also makes you like addicted and evil and ugly. Like gollum

**Felix:** All right

**Sylvain:** Whos ur favorite of the fellowship?

**Felix:** The hobo with the broken sword

**Sylvain:** ARAGORN

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** These names are all weird

**Felix:** Except for Sam

**Sylvain:** Technically they all have funky names

**Felix:** “Funky”?

**Sylvain:** Funky little names

**Felix:** Don’t use the word like this

**Sylvain:** Cutesy funky lil names

**Felix:** Shut the up

**Felix:** Fuck

**Sylvain:** Sorry im laughing

That’s all right then. Felix spares a moment’s thought to wonder what Sylvain’s laugh may sound like. Probably nice and beautiful and gorgeous, to go with the rest of him.

**Sylvain:** Anyway tolkien made up this language along with everything else and he basically wrote the novels as if translated from that language

**Sylvain:** And he translated all the names too so theyd sound relative to english to what they sounded like in the original that does not exist of course

**Felix:** Someone’s dedicated

**Sylvain:** Its fascinating if ur into linguistics

**Sylvain:** Also alice in wonderland

**Sylvain:** If u want to branch out and read more classics

**Sylvain:** I already know ull see the caterpillar and be reminded of me

**Felix:** Why?

**Sylvain:** Smoking shit and getting high

**Sylvain:** Ngl ingrid read the books (aiw and into the looking glass) and told me the author mustve been high

**Sylvain:** Disregarding the fact that the book is (no pun intended) substantially better than stephen kings it

**Sylvain:** Which king admitted he wrote when he was on lsd

**Felix:** You’re always a fountain of trivia I did not need to know about

**Sylvain:** Im like a scholar

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** You’re a nerd

**Sylvain:** Yea i know

**Sylvain:** We talked abt this

**Sylvain:** With cinderella

**Sylvain:** Remember?

**Felix:** Bad boy Sylvain

**Sylvain:** I should get spiked collars

**Sylvain:** One for lex and one for me

**Felix:** You have to send me pictures of that

**Sylvain:** I was already thinking

**Sylvain:** I should get doro to gimme the whole goth makeover

Felix can’t keep from chuckling.

**Felix:** I would actually like to see this

**Sylvain:** Its gonna look so bad

**Sylvain:** Ur eyes will burn

**Felix:** You saw the pictures of me which look objectively worse

**Sylvain:** Noooo they were fine!!!

**Sylvain:** I really liked them

**Sylvain:** U can always send more if u want to make my day :)

**Felix:** I’m flattered

And really, Felix is. This stupid spark of hope flares up again.

**Sylvain:** Awww

**Sylvain:** Im oddly moved by that sentiment

It’s getting worse.

**Felix:** I’ll see what I can do

**Sylvain:** Yes! No pressure!

**Felix:** None at all

**Sylvain:** I wont get angry with u for holding back

**Sylvain:** Ur just not as

**Sylvain:** Open or forthcoming with that

**Sylvain:** And it is pretty personal

**Sylvain:** So thanks for ur trust :)

**Felix:** I wouldn’t have done anything if you hadn’t taken the first step

**Sylvain:** Yea i figured

**Sylvain:** Im glad i trusted u after all

**Felix:** This is getting a little too sentimental for me

**Sylvain:** Oh ok

**Sylvain:** Sorry for coming on a little strong

**Felix:** You’re excused

**Sylvain:** Sounds like ur getting rid of me

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** What did your friends say to your sims?

**Sylvain:** RIGHT i forgot to keep u updated

**Sylvain:** Doro said were cute :)

**Sylvain:** Ingrid said i can do better

**Sylvain:** Eh

**Sylvain:** Oh and i made lex and cat too

**Sylvain:** Then motherloded us until we were part of the 1%

**Sylvain:** Our house still looks like a roadside shack tho lmao

**Sylvain:** I didnt do much more

**Felix:** Oh ok

**Sylvain:** And i dont think i will lol sorry if ur disappointed

**Sylvain:** Id rather spend my time on other things

**Sylvain:** I planned the logistics for my treehouse for instance

**Sylvain:** Its gonna be so good!

**Sylvain:** Seriously felix u gotta visit once im done

**Sylvain:** And then we have caipirinhas up there and listen to bad music

**Felix:** You’re daydreaming a lot

**Sylvain:** I just want to hang out with u

Felix swallows. His heart is doing somersaults.

**Sylvain:** No pressure tho!!!! I try not to bring it up too often

**Felix:** You bring it up all the fucking time

**Sylvain:** Sorry :(

**Felix:** I’ll think about it

**Felix:** By the way

**Sylvain:** YES

**Felix:** I noticed on your photo from today that there’s something on your neck

**Sylvain:** Huh?

**Sylvain:** Lemme check

Felix cleans himself up quickly in the bathroom. He already knows the right answer to what he said, but making it official that he knows in a way that will hopefully make Sylvain feel good is something he may accomplish if Felix just calms down a little, dammit.

He clears away his dishes, turns off the TV, and retreats to bed before checking his phone again.

**Sylvain:** Oh yea its the edge of my tattoo

**Sylvain:** I guess i havent told u

**Sylvain:** Sorry for that

**Sylvain:** My parents threw a tantrum when they saw

**Felix:** That’s shitty of them

**Sylvain:** Asked me where their good boy had gone and how i am to find a respectable wife now

**Sylvain:** Glad u agree with me!

**Felix:** What the fuck

**Felix:** It’s just a little ink

**Sylvain:** Im

**Sylvain:** Im so happy u dont mind

**Sylvain:** Its actually my whole arm plus parts of my chest and back

**Sylvain:** And my tattoo artist is like the sweetest person ever

**Felix:** Of course I don’t mind

**Sylvain:** You have a tat too? :)

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** But I know what it’s like to be treated like shit for something that has nothing to do with your personality whatsoever

**Felix:** People saying I’m a little bitch? Okay, that I can live with

**Felix:** But people saying I’m a little cocksucker?

**Sylvain:** Oof i hate narrow-minded people like this

**Sylvain:** Ur neither a bitch nor have bad taste or whatever their problem is

**Sylvain:** I actually respect that a lot

**Sylvain:** That ur above those things

**Felix:** Thanks

**Sylvain:** Ive been called stupid names until i moved out to study

**Sylvain:** And let me tell u i picked enbarr on purpose

**Sylvain:** My family just sucks

**Sylvain:** It was worse back then and now im independent from them which helps too

**Sylvain:** But that was the first time i ever tasted freedom

**Felix:** Did they lock you up?

**Sylvain:** Nooo at least not physically

**Sylvain:** But i have the feeling id be a different person today if they were more supporting

Another piece to add to the puzzle.

**Felix:** Why did you come back?

**Sylvain:** Ingrid

**Sylvain:** Her dad

**Sylvain:** He means well but hes just an asshole abt it all

**Felix:** I know what that feels like

**Sylvain:** Did urs want to marry u off too?

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** Holy shit though. I do not envy you guys

**Sylvain:** Thanks lol

**Sylvain:** Apart from her, tho, i gotta admit its fucking hot in enbarr

**Sylvain:** I almost died one summer

**Felix:** What how?

**Sylvain:** I just collapsed from the heat

**Sylvain:** Like i was starting to feel funny? Kinda like when im high and tired at the same time?

**Sylvain:** Super light-headed

**Sylvain:** And next thing i remember i was lying on the boiling asphalt and looking up at the sky

**Felix:** Fuck

**Sylvain:** I thought “wow this is a stupid dream” and closed my eyes again for another round of unconsciousness

**Sylvain:** And then i woke up for real. There were so many people there, all staring down at me and asking questions

**Sylvain:** I didnt comprehend anything at first

**Sylvain:** One of them brought me water

**Sylvain:** Bless this lady

**Felix:** This is

**Felix:** Shocking

**Sylvain:** Yea for me too

**Sylvain:** I was under shock

**Sylvain:** Happened abt 200 meters from my place so i assured them i didnt need an ambulance

**Sylvain:** Two of the ladies walked me home then

**Sylvain:** I roomed together with doro then so i wasnt alone

**Sylvain:** Or else they probs wouldnt have let me go home

**Sylvain:** I took a bath

**Sylvain:** I was shaking all over even tho it was past 35 degrees outside

**Felix:** Saints

**Sylvain:** I had a breakdown that evening

**Sylvain:** I only really realized then what had happened

**Sylvain:** I mean a car couldve run me over anytime

**Felix:** I’m glad you’re still here

**Sylvain:** Thank you!!!

**Sylvain:** Im crying again but positive this time

**Felix:** You’re crying a lot

**Sylvain:** I get emotional easily

**Sylvain:** Anyway i scraped my hands and knees open

**Sylvain:** And i hit my head p badly

**Sylvain:** It sucked

**Felix:** But you didn’t sustain any lasting damages?

**Sylvain:** Thank the saints not

**Sylvain:** Sorry i did not want to scare u

**Sylvain:** That was the worst thing that happened to me during my time in adrestia

**Felix:** Do you have bad circulation or anything?

**Sylvain:** No

**Sylvain:** The opposite actually. Im so hot all the time

**Sylvain:** And that day was just a little too much

**Sylvain:** Im all ice inside baby ;)

Felix sighs. Then chuckles. He should feel bad but he doesn’t, and he takes what he gets.

**Felix:** I’m not a baby

**Sylvain:** Its a term of endearment!

**Felix:** I know

**Sylvain:** Well i do not want to offend with my straightness anymore so

**Sylvain:** U need to know by urself u gotta take it with a grain of salt

**Felix:** I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed but I’m not a lost cause

**Sylvain:** DUDE

**Sylvain:** WAS THAT ALL STAR

**Felix:** ?

**Sylvain:** THE SHREK SONG

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** I want to say a lot of things now that can be taken the wrong way

**Felix:** Hit me with your worst

**Sylvain:** *Gets down on one knee*

**Sylvain:** Felix fraldarius. Let me share ur cool-sounding last name

**Sylvain:** Free me of my cheese heritage

Felix lays his phone down for the moment. His hands are shaking. Yes, he told Sylvain to bring it on, but this is a bad joke that still shoots his dopamine through him. Felix waits for his breathing to calm, wipes his hands on the bedsheets, and picks his phone back up.

**Sylvain:** (Sorry if i came on too strong)

**Felix:** I have since learned to deal with you

**Sylvain:** We really went from strangers to bros in the course of 4 weeks

**Felix:** I don’t regret it

**Sylvain:** Awwwww

**Felix:** I’m in bed. Work tomorrow

**Sylvain:** Yea same

**Sylvain:** I mean the ex high schoolers will want to enjoy their freedom to sleep in

**Sylvain:** But ill be at the studio all day probabaly

**Sylvain:** *Probably

**Felix:** Poor you

**Felix:** I almost feel bad

**Sylvain:** Aw

**Felix:** But then I remember who got to take two days off two weeks ago

**Sylvain:** Ur just jelly

**Sylvain:** Office worker

**Felix:** Absolutely

**Felix:** Sleep well, Sylvain

**Sylvain:** U too!!!

**Sylvain:** The sweetest of dreams

**Sylvain:** And a good start into ur weekend :)

**Felix:** Thank you

Yawning, Felix places his phone on his nightstand. He turns around to cuddle Cat close to his chest and for once falls asleep easily.


	16. Days 31 and 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who can't stomach explicit self-harm, please skip as soon as everything goes bad to 'Felix never'. Just type it up in the search bar and take care of yourselves <3

The clear blue sky gives the sun free rein over her dominion. The light reflects off the snow so starkly that without some sort of protection, Felix would suffer from snow blindness. Unlike all the children, merrily running and sledding and skiing around, eyes wide open, ski googles or at the very least sunglasses nowhere in sight.

Ashe stayed insistent he wouldn’t need Felix to drive him, and as Felix enters the cottage serving as their meeting point, he sees why: Annette Dominic is here, animatedly chatting with Ashe, clad in full skiing gear like him. What the hell?

Approaching them, Felix clears his throat. Ashe turns his head first, a big grin plastered to his face. “Hey, Felix!”

Annette smiles up at Felix. “Hello there!”

“Hi.” Felix doesn’t go for a smile, instead trying his best to stay composed and not show his irritation.

“Sorry to just spring this at you, but I thought it’d be fun if we’d be three.” A faint blush rises to Ashe’s cheeks, and he twirls a strand of hair around a finger to tuck back behind his ear.

“I see.” Sighing, Felix resigns himself to his fate. There’s nothing he can do now but walk out on them, and that would be seen as a preventable breach of friend etiquette. “I can get a snowboard here?” Felix nods to the counter.

“Yes, you can rent one for a small fee! We already have ours.” Ashe taps the snowboard leaning against his legs.

“By the way,” Annette says, “are we on a first name basis now, too?”

Felix gives her a one-shouldered shrug. “Fine.”

“You don’t sound thrilled, if you don’t mind me saying.”

“This is my voice. I always sound like this.” Felix tucks the snowboard under his arm and turns back around. “I’m ready.”

“Let’s go then!” Ashe takes the lead, Annette right behind him. Felix catches up with them and falls into step beside them, on Ashe’s side. “By the way, Felix, how are you?”

“Can’t complain. You two?”

“I’m excited! I haven’t gone snowboarding in two years.”

“Why not?”

“I had an accident with my bike that winter. I fell on my knee and it took forever to heal.”

Annette nods. “I’m fine, too. I hope I still will be when we’re at the bottom of the piste.”

“Just take it slow,” Ashe says. “You angle the board like this to brake.” He shows what he means by tilting the snowboard in his hands. “Bend your knees. And pick the brake spots beforehand, so you won’t end up falling.” He turns to Felix. “You mentioned you have some experience, right?”

“Yes. I used to go with my brother.” Felix fastens the board to his feet.

“I didn’t know you have a brother.”

Please, someone up there save Felix. He does so not want to have this conversation.

“Can you show me how to do this?” Annette asks. Felix silently thanks whoever was listening in and shuffles over to help her. “Thanks,” she says, angling a smile up at Felix. “I’m such a klutz with these things.”

Ashe joins them, his own snowboard fixed to his feet already. “If you feel like you’re about to lose your balance, bend your knees. Don’t stick out your arms or they will get injured if you really do fall.”

Felix adds, “You may want to protect your head instead.”

“Yes.” Ashe nods. “Curl up.”

“You know, at first I was really excited for this.” Annette laughs. “But now you two make me scared of all the ways this could go wrong.”

“You could go with ski poles,” Felix says.

“You know what, that’s what I’m gonna do!”

It’s a hassle to get Annette out of the snowboard. Felix watches her back as she makes her way to the cottage and rent a pair of poles. He snaps his head towards Ashe when he says, “Sorry if I made this weird by inviting Annette.”

“At the very least you could have dropped a quick message.”

“Sorry. I didn’t expect it to be a big deal for you. I mean you said she’s not the one you lik—”

“It’s the social energy. I need more to accommodate three people than just two.” At Ashe’s expression of blank confusion, Felix adds, “If that makes sense.”

“I’ll make sure to tell you in advance next time.” Ashe fidgets with the string of his jacket. “I-if there is a next time.”

“There is.”

Ashe smiles, making Felix’s lips quirk upwards as well. “Thanks. You’re—”

“Now what did I miss?” Annette says, ski poles in hands. “This may be the first time I saw a real smile on you.” She grins up at Felix. “It suits you!”

“Uh, thanks.” To direct away from the blush Felix can feel heating up his face, he gestures at Annette’s snowboard. “Do you need help with that again?”

“Yes, thank you! It’d be bad if it came off accidentally, right?”

“That mustn’t happen, no,” Ashe says as Felix kneels down to strap the snowboard onto Annette’s feet again. He also helps her up when she’s ready. “Oh, I know!” Felix turns to Ashe who’s digging around in his jacket’s pockets. “We should take a commemorative picture! One before and one after.” He’s already peeling off his gloves.

“That’s a great idea!” Annette claps her hands and waddles over to Ashe.

Felix asks, “I’m not allowed to say no, am I?”

“You are, from a technical standpoint.” Ashe points to the empty space on his other side. “C’mon! We forgot to take a picture at the movie night. You can be in this one instead.”

“Why should I want to?” Felix asks even as he’s making his way over.

“To make a memory! I’ll make sure to send the pictures around.” Ashe already holds his phone away from him. He’s using the front camera, Felix sees when he steps into the picture. “Smile!”

Annette makes a peace sign, bright smiles plastered onto her face as well as Ashe’s. Felix can’t manage as well, and he does not want to fake-smile like Sylvain likes to do, so he just stands there with his hands shoved deep into his coat’s pockets, vaguely glancing in the direction of the camera.

Ashe looks at the picture right after taking it. “Aw, you didn’t smile, Felix!”

“I can’t smile on command.”

“Well, we’ll take the second picture once we’re down, so you get another chance.”

Felix rolls his eyes and pulls his muffler up to hide behind. The ski goggles are next. He turns back to Ashe and Annette a last time. “I’m going.”

“See you down there!” Ashe gives a small wave.

“I hope,” Annette adds, shoulders rising and falling in time with her laugh.

“I’ll stay close to Annette, make sure she doesn’t fall and hurt herself. And, well, I’d rather go slow myself.” Ashe smiles sheepishly.

“All right. See you.” Felix turns, shuffles towards the slope, and throws himself over the edge. Perhaps he should’ve gone a little slower at first—it’s been years since he last stood on a snowboard, and he needs a few moments to adjust and find his balance—but then his body remembers and hailing downwards turns into an exciting spill of adrenaline Felix has forgotten he loves.

He reaches the end of the trail without having fallen once. He can’t see Ashe and Annette anywhere on the piste, so he frees his feet of the snowboard and buys himself a much-needed coffee. He buys another since he’s getting cold on his watch, waiting for them, and is having his third when he finally spots them reach the end of the track. Felix quickly downs his coffee to hand the mug back to the store personnel before he treks over to Ashe and Annette.

“We made it!” Annette claps her hands together, even as Ashe and Felix steer her out of the way of other arrivals. “This was so exhilarating. I thought I was gonna fall at least thirty times. A minute.”

“And, did you?” Felix asks.

“No!”

“You did well for a beginner,” Ashe says, patting Annette on a shoulder.

“I hope we didn’t keep you waiting too long.” Annette sits down on a bench and sighs with relief. On closer inspection, she looks exhausted.

“It was fine,” Felix replies. “Do you need help?” He nods at the snowboard still attached to Annette’s shoes.

“If you would be so kind!”

Crouching, Felix unclasps the board from her feet. In the meantime, Ashe sits down next to Annette and works his own board loose before fumbling around in his jacket. “We still need to take our second picture. Sit down.” Ashe taps the space on the bench between himself and Annette.

Making sure his muffler hides his mouth—there’s no way Ashe will make him force a smile—Felix sits down between the two. Both of them move close enough to him that their hips are straddling him on either side. It’s terrible. Ashe makes it mercifully quick, though. Felix gets up as soon as they’re done. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going for a second round.” He nods up at the piste.

Annette waves her hand dismissively. “I’m pooped, sorry.”

“I’ll stay here as well,” Ashe says. “Have fun!”

Felix raises a hand in farewell to them, back already turned, and makes his way towards the ski lift.

* * *

It’s only when Felix is home and checks his messages that he sees Ashe sent him more than the two group shots Felix was aware of. Ashe also took several photos of Felix going down the piste, and Felix has to admit he looks like he’s having fun. He thanks Ashe, brews himself a coffee, and retreats to the living room with warm spring rolls to fill his belly.

The duvet there grants him further warmth, and so does Cat. Snug after his hot shower, Felix places his plate on his legs and draws up Sylvain’s chat with the hand he isn’t stuffing his face with.

 **Felix:** I have good news

Sylvain, for once, takes forever to reply (judged by Sylvain’s usual fast replies). Just short of 15 minutes after Felix sent his message, his screen lights up with Sylvain’s reply.

 **Sylvain:** Oh?

 **Felix:** I went snowboarding today and photos exist

 **Sylvain:** OH

 **Sylvain:** Please share

 **Sylvain:** U cant tease me like this :(

 **Felix:** I wouldn’t have told you if I didn’t want to show you

 **Sylvain:** Im waiting impatiently

 **Felix:** <sent picture>

 **Felix:** <sent picture>

 **Felix:** <sent picture>

 **Felix:** <sent picture>

 **Felix:** <sent picture>

 **Sylvain:** Damn now im in debt

 **Sylvain:** Wait ill go thru them all

 **Felix:** Yes

 **Sylvain:** Ohhh is this annette from youtube in the first two???

 **Felix:** Yes. And my co-worker

 **Sylvain:** Shes tiny

 **Sylvain:** Anyway

 **Sylvain:** I like ur beanie

 **Sylvain:** And ur scarf

 **Sylvain:** They suit u

 **Felix:** Thanks

Felix hides his smile behind his food. Sylvain takes a little longer to compose the next message.

 **Sylvain:** All righty i looked at the other 3 pics too

 **Sylvain:** U look like ur having fun!

With no more food to hide behind, Felix takes his coffee instead.

 **Felix:** I was

 **Felix:** I haven’t gone in forever. It felt good

 **Sylvain:** I bet it did

 **Sylvain:** Snowboarding looks really cool (and so do u doing it)

 **Sylvain:** Maybe i should try it some time too

 **Sylvain:** With u as my personal coach

Heart racing, hands shaking, Felix types.

 **Felix:** Next winter

 **Sylvain:** Ill hold u to that!

 **Felix:** All right

 **Sylvain:** Aaaaaaahhhhhh

 **Sylvain:** I am sooo excited already

 **Sylvain:** I can finally count down the days til i see u irl

 **Sylvain:** (And get to hug u)

 **Felix:** (I may re-evaluate)

 **Sylvain:** (Ill ask before i try anything)

 **Felix:** (Better)

 **Sylvain:** Anyway

 **Sylvain:** I was gonna take a pic of me even without u making my day with urs

 **Sylvain:** Gimme a sec i need to get the lighting just right ;)

It’s going to look staged. Felix already knows, finishing his coffee and giving Cat a quick scratch under her chin until Sylvain is back.

 **Sylvain:** <sent picture>

Felix does not believe in instant-boners, but boy, this was quick.

Sylvain definitely did ‘get the lighting just right’. He angled the camera slightly from above, pulling down a pair of reflecting sunglasses and looking into the cam, the smirk on his face smug and vain and full of himself. He must be aware he looks damn fuckable. His hair is still tousled, but in a controlled way, probably done up with product to make it extra shiny and soft to the touch. There’s no day’s growth worth of stubble on his face, as though he’s just shaved, and Felix imagines the smell of his aftershave: musky, sharp, a hint of lemon. Sylvain’s tattoo peeks out on his neck and hides otherwise in a dark button-up shirt Felix can’t see more than the broad and muscular shoulders of his on this picture. Sylvain also wears a golden chain around his neck, and two rings are visible on the hand he placed on his sunglasses.

 **Sylvain:** Today u will complement me right?

 **Sylvain:** *Compliment

 **Sylvain:** We can complement each other another day lol

 **Felix:** You’re conceited

 **Sylvain:** Cmon!! U said u like guys

 **Sylvain:** U can say im hot

 **Felix:** What if you’re not my type?

 **Sylvain:** -___-

 **Sylvain:** Then just say so

Felix takes a deep breath.

 **Felix:** Ok

 **Sylvain:** :(

 **Felix:** You look great

 **Felix:** But I like your real smiles more

 **Sylvain:** Aww and noted!

 **Felix:** So why did you… dress up today?

 **Sylvain:** Ah i was just getting ready when u texted

 **Sylvain:** I figured we could chat for a short while before i go tho

 **Felix:** Go where?

 **Sylvain:** Duh! Look at ur calendar

 **Sylvain:** Its feb 13

 **Sylvain:** Which means tomorrow is valentines day!

 **Sylvain:** Normally id go out with doro but she snagged herself a girlfriend recently and now im going out alone

Oh.

 **Felix:** To party?

 **Sylvain:** Yea

 **Sylvain:** Singles hookup

Oh…

Ouch.

Felix swallows.

Tries to even his breathing and fails. His heart is still fluttering, his hands are still clammy and shaking, and he is still hard, and yet Felix feels like Sylvain finally smothered his spark of hope.

It hurts.

It hurts so bad.

Felix can’t stop the first tear spilling, and once the dam starts leaking, there’s nothing he can do to stop it from breaking. He types.

 **Felix:** Have fun

He throws his phone on the floor, watching it skid across the parquet and causing Cat to jump after it, watching until they both get so blurry that it doesn’t make a damn difference he squeezes his eyes shut. Digging the balls of his hands into his eyes, Felix rocks in place on the sofa, desperately sobbing and cursing his own folly.

Sylvain made one thing clear from the very start: He’s straight. There’s no way in hell this was going to work out. And yet Felix fooled himself into the idea he may come around. And if not that, then at the very least, that Sylvain would be willing to entertain the idea that Felix may find him attractive. Hell, he’d just said so a minute ago! And Sylvain still went forth and not only stabbed Felix in the front, no, he twisted the knife for good measure.

It’s agonizing.

Felix wills himself to get up. He can tidy up the table tomorrow. Cat is used to his erratic cleaning habits and won’t touch the remaining food. His feet walk Felix into the bathroom as of their own volition. The skin on his arms starts to tingle and itch, so Felix rolls up his sleeves and chafes at it. Absentmindedly, he even brushes his teeth, one hand scrubbing away in his mouth, the other using the same rhythm to scratch his arm until the skin breaks.

It hurts.

It’s wonderful.

It throbs in time with his heartbeat, pumping too fast.

It shoots the dopamine through his body like a drug. And yet Felix is still an addict chasing that first high with the certainty he will never reach it.

It burns and makes him want to throw up. There’s only toothpaste mixed with his saliva in his mouth to spit out.

And it makes him crave more. He wants something stronger than his flimsy nails can provide, and he wants to choke on more than just his tears. Shaking hands rip a razor blade out of its protection. Trembling arms bring it up to his lips. He kisses it.

It’s revolting.

His fist closes around the blade, the sharp edge digging into the soft flesh of his palm. Blood drips through his fingers onto the floor. Felix opens his hand. The blade is embedded in his skin, and he cries out in pain so concentrated his vision goes red and black.

Swaying on his feet, Felix looks at the mess he made. Cat peeks into the bathroom, door slightly ajar. Her eyes say it all.

Felix is a failure.

“I’m sorry,” he presses out, choking on his tears. “I’m a— I’m a shitty human.”

Cat walks inside and sits down next to Felix. She keeps her eyes trained on him as he cleans his wound. The disinfectant stings and a new wave of tears wells up in his eyes. He can only hope he didn’t sever any important tendons in his delirium. The ointment he applies burns. After wrapping a bandage around his hand, Felix kneels to clean up the floor, feeling like he scrubs for hours.

Utterly exhausted, he stumbles into bed. His tears still haven’t dried up, flowing freer now than ever, his sobs threaten to choke him, and his hand aches in time with his heartbeat. Cat is there for him and he snuggles up to her, letting her soft purrs lull him into a fitful sleep.

* * *

Felix never wants to wake up again. As expected, the plan fails, so Felix does the next best thing and stays in bed. He wants to remain catatonic forever. His whole body is still convulsing with the spasms of heartbreak. His sobs are violent, his throat is raw and hurts.

It takes hours for the urge to pee to build up enough for Felix to get up. Only then does he realize how thirsty he is, and how his hand throbs, and how much he craves a good smoke, and how Cat sits on the living room table and sniffs at his cold leftovers. Felix splashes his face with cold water, scoops the rest up and proceeds to drink straight from the tap. He needs to shave but he doesn’t trust his trembling hands with any kind of blade now, so he’ll postpone it to tomorrow morning.

He looks like a hobo in the clothes he throws on, hair tangled, lower face darkened with patchy stubble, sulking on his balcony and sucking the smoke in desperately. Back inside, Felix picks at his leftovers Cat may have lost fine hairs on, but gives up after swallowing once. He can feel the edges of the food dig into his throat and scrape. It’s like eating glass shards.

In the kitchen, Felix brews himself one of Sylvain’s teas, and the thought alone makes him tear up again, albeit silently. Cat jumps up onto the table and watches him. “How can you see me like this and decide to love me?”

Cat doesn’t do anything but slowly blink and purr.

Something else floods through Felix. His eyes well up once more, but for a different reason. He picks up Cat and holds her close until she squirms and he lets her down. Walking up to her empty bowls, she meows.

“Oh shit.” Felix gives her water first, then dumps enough food into her bowl to last her for the whole day. “Sorry,” Felix says, biting his lip. “I don’t understand what you see in such a dysfunctional—” He swallows. Cat ignores him either way, greedily emptying her bowls.

The tea burns his tongue. Dragging himself into the living room, Felix searches the floor for his phone and finds it under a shelf. Cat must have knocked it under there. Thanks. Always watching out for him and identifying the causes of his pain.

Having pried the phone from its resting place (no small feat what with one hand bandaged up and pulsing with pain), Felix checks for messages.

Shit.

Sylvain sent him a whole novel.

Felix’s knees buckle. He makes it to his sofa and lies down. He should just forget about him, or at the very least, wait for his crush to vanish into thin air.

And yet he finds himself opening the texts, heart already spasming again in the flutter that’s become second nature to Felix whenever he deals with Sylvain.

 **Sylvain:** Thank u :)

 **Sylvain:** Ill be going now!! Text u later

These two came in right after Felix’s last text. There’s a break until early this morning, shortly after five. Felix checks the time. It’s already five in the evening now. He should be hungry. He’s not.

 **Sylvain:** Gggggggods

 **Sylvain:** That was my

 **Sylvain:** It

 **Sylvain:** It was so terrible

 **Sylvain:** I hope its all right if i spam

 **Sylvain:** I need to get this off my chest asap

 **Sylvain:** And i cant bear ingrids scolding

 **Sylvain:** Or doros

 **Sylvain:** Laugh

 **Sylvain:** Like she knows

 **Sylvain:** Or makes fun of me :(

 **Sylvain:** All right

 **Sylvain:** I

 **Sylvain:** Im home alone

 **Sylvain:** Well lex is here and lying across my chest and making it hard to breathe

 **Sylvain:** Holy shit no pun tho with

 **Sylvain:** Getting something off my chest

 **Sylvain:** He can stay

 **Sylvain:** My weird feeling cant

 **Sylvain:** Anyway

 **Sylvain:** Let me start at the beginning

 **Sylvain:** I went out

 **Sylvain:** Club was great

 **Sylvain:** Fantastic atmosphere

 **Sylvain:** Music was

 **Sylvain:** Horrible tho

 **Sylvain:** But what do u expect them to play for hooking up

 **Sylvain:** U know how it is

 **Sylvain:** Nobodys there really looking for love

 **Sylvain:** Its just an excuse to get laid

 **Sylvain:** So i had a couple drinks

 **Sylvain:** Found a nice girl. Well she looked nice

 **Sylvain:** Cant judge her character

 **Sylvain:** We chatted and made out

Felix wants to puke but there’s nothing in his stomach for him to throw up.

 **Sylvain:** I went with her to her place shortly after

 **Sylvain:** Idk we made out some more

Felix squeezes his eyes shut. If he gets the graphic description of how Sylvain fucked a stranger, he wishes to spontaneously combust. Swallowing both the watery bile rising as well as the next wave of tears, Felix wills himself to read on.

 **Sylvain:** And it never felt so wrong

 **Sylvain:** I mean it always sort of did

 **Sylvain:** But not in the way i got literal cramps from it

 **Sylvain:** She was so angry with me and

 **Sylvain:** Threw my stuff at me when i said i cant do this

 **Sylvain:** We were already kinda naked at this point

 **Sylvain:** Its not like she didnt look hot but

 **Sylvain:** It was all so wrong

 **Sylvain:** She felt wrong

 **Sylvain:** She had amazing tits and i didnt even really look

 **Sylvain:** Like i wasnt interested

Oh. That’s actually not a bad thing for Felix’s case. He still wishes he could kill the single butterfly taking wing in his tummy.

 **Sylvain:** Well i

 **Sylvain:** Let myself out

 **Sylvain:** (Clothed. Im not a streaker)

 **Sylvain:** And walked for a while before i called a cab home

 **Sylvain:** And did a *lot* of thinking

 **Sylvain:** I mean look at the time lol

 **Sylvain:** Ive been thinking for hours now

 **Sylvain:** My head hurts from this

 **Sylvain:** And im tipsy and dead tired

 **Sylvain:** But like i said

 **Sylvain:** I need to get this off my chest

 **Sylvain:** I think im starting to grow a conscience

 **Sylvain:** Or

 **Sylvain:** I dont know what is wrong with me

 **Sylvain:** Maybe u can help me figure this out

 **Sylvain:** Im not sure i can confide in the other two

Here the texts break off for two hours.

 **Sylvain:** My libido cant go to hell when im only 31

 **Sylvain:** Thats an old geezer problem

 **Sylvain:** So it cant be that right?

Another break.

 **Sylvain:** Have u ever

 **Sylvain:** Have u made similar experiences?

 **Sylvain:** That u thought u were in the mood and happy

 **Sylvain:** I mean dude i havent had sex in a month now

 **Sylvain:** The last time i had such a long

 **Sylvain:** Break

 **Sylvain:** Was before i found out how good it felt

 **Sylvain:** And now im

 **Sylvain:** I went from 110% to less than 0 in a month

 **Sylvain:** Is this normal?

The next texts are less than an hour old.

 **Sylvain:** Hey felix

 **Sylvain:** R u all right?

 **Sylvain:** Ur usually up much earlier

 **Sylvain:** Than past 4

 **Sylvain:** Please reply soon

 **Sylvain:** Im getting worried :(

Oh shit. And then he’ll drunk-text him and _then_ he’ll try calling him again. Felix can’t handle either at the moment.

 **Felix:** Cat catapulted my phone under a shelf

Sylvain replies immediately, making Felix’s stomach churn in a not altogether pleasant way.

 **Sylvain:** Thats why its called *cat*apulting

 **Felix:** Shut up

 **Felix:** I had a bad day yesterday. I really only got up now

 **Sylvain:** Oh no :(

 **Sylvain:** And i wasnt even there

 **Sylvain:** U couldve just texted me

Ah, the irony. Sweet, and therefore disgusting.

 **Sylvain:** R u better now?

 **Felix:** I’m working on it

 **Sylvain:** Okay

 **Felix:** I read your texts

 **Sylvain:** Sorry for that

 **Sylvain:** I

 **Sylvain:** Its all so strange

 **Felix:** I don’t know how to help you, sorry

 **Felix:** But if it always feels at least a little wrong, then perhaps you should listen to your body

 **Sylvain:** Hmmmm

 **Sylvain:** But then

 **Sylvain:** How do i get laid

 **Felix:** Has it never felt right?

 **Sylvain:** I cant remember

 **Sylvain:** It just never was as terrible as last night

 **Sylvain:** I felt physically sick

 **Felix:** Were you fine when you got home?

 **Sylvain:** Yes

 **Sylvain:** Cuddling lex helped

 **Sylvain:** Oh no

 **Felix:** What?

 **Sylvain:** What if i turn asexual? :(

 **Sylvain:** I *like* sex

 **Felix:** You can be ace and still enjoy sex

 **Sylvain:** Oh

 **Sylvain:** Then thats not it either

 **Sylvain:** But tell me

 **Sylvain:** Has this ever happened to you?

 **Felix:** No

 **Sylvain:** Oh

 **Felix:** Not getting turned on and then off by the same person for no reason

 **Sylvain:** Hm

 **Sylvain:** Thanks anyway

 **Sylvain:** I guess ill bring it up with ing and doro eventually

 **Sylvain:** Ill tell u what they say

 **Sylvain:** If ur interested

 **Felix:** Fine

 **Sylvain:** So uh

 **Sylvain:** Do you want to talk about ur problem?

 **Felix:** Not really

 **Sylvain:** …But ull do it anyway?

 **Felix:** No

 **Felix:** Don’t be so nosy

 **Sylvain:** Ok

 **Sylvain:** Just know that when u need someone ill be lending an ear

 **Felix:** I appreciate it

 **Sylvain:** And thank u for listening to my troubles

 **Sylvain:** It means a lot even if u cant help

 **Felix:** Did the “weird feeling” go away?

 **Sylvain:** Not really??

 **Sylvain:** Its kinda like

 **Sylvain:** Nauseous

 **Sylvain:** And also apprehensive

 **Sylvain:** I guess i started angsting :’)

 **Felix:** Are you that worried about a one-night-stand gone wrong?

 **Sylvain:** I felt so icky in my own skin

 **Sylvain:** I was asking myself what i was even doing

 **Sylvain:** As if this wasnt sylvain routine

 **Sylvain:** And i got the feeling then that i messed something up

 **Sylvain:** And i want to fix it but i dont even know whats wrong :(

 **Felix:** Ok

 **Sylvain:** I guess this has me on edge

 **Sylvain:** Sorry

 **Sylvain:** Ive been postponing taking my meds

 **Sylvain:** I thought i was good again without them

 **Sylvain:** But my brains still messed up

 **Felix:** Hey

 **Felix:** Don’t beat yourself up

 **Sylvain:** Thank u

 **Sylvain:** For listening and being there

 **Sylvain:** I want to hug u real bad

 **Felix:** I let more people hug me

 **Felix:** It wasn’t all bad

 **Sylvain:** Would u make an exception for me too?

 **Felix:** Yes

 **Sylvain:** I just went from meh to happy and excited in less than a second

Despite it all, Felix smiles.

And it’s not like he doesn’t have a little victory to celebrate: Regardless of Sylvain’s actions and feelings, he still likes Felix better than most of the people he talks to or even hooks up with. Even better, Felix can count himself among Sylvain’s three friends. He should be happy about this.

And yet he can’t stop yearning for more.

 **Sylvain:** Im gonna take my meds and fantasize a little

 **Felix:** About the hug?

 **Sylvain:** Absolutely!

 **Sylvain:** Brb!

Felix wills himself to get up as well, to steer into the kitchen and prop some food into his mouth. He doesn’t taste it, and his throat still hurts when he swallows down a little too much at first. Forcing himself to go more slowly, Felix finishes his leftovers. He digs through his fridge for another tasteless meal. Yoghurt in hand, he returns to his place on the sofa. Cat lies in the spot he vacated. Sighing, Felix relents and sits down next to her.

 **Sylvain:** Im back

 **Sylvain:** I have soup now

 **Felix:** Soup?

 **Sylvain:** To eat

 **Sylvain:** Or

 **Sylvain:** Well do u even eat soup?

 **Felix:** You eat the chunky parts

 **Sylvain:** But its a lot of water

 **Sylvain:** Its wet for food

 **Felix:** So is cereal

 **Sylvain:** Oh no

 **Sylvain:** Not the “is cereal soup?” discussion please

 **Sylvain:** I had it once already in debate club

 **Felix:** Back in school?

 **Sylvain:** Yea

 **Felix:** You were in debate?

 **Sylvain:** I had a lot of extracurriculars

 **Sylvain:** The more i could stay away from home the better

Another piece of the puzzle. Felix sucks on his bottom lip.

 **Felix:** What was so bad about home?

 **Sylvain:** Sorry im not in the mood to ruin my mood

 **Sylvain:** Again

 **Sylvain:** Im already feeling sorta out of it

 **Felix:** Right

 **Felix:** Sorry

 **Sylvain:** But ill tell u eventually

 **Sylvain:** Pinky promise

 **Felix:** Pinky promise

 **Sylvain:** Yay!

 **Sylvain:** Thats kinda our thing now :)

 **Felix:** Pinky promises?

 **Sylvain:** Yes

 **Sylvain:** Dont u think so?

 **Felix:** I guess

 **Sylvain:** Do u give them out left and right? :(

 **Felix:** No. Only to you

 **Sylvain:** See! Then its our thing

 **Felix:** Yes

 **Felix:** Mind if I go already?

 **Sylvain:** Why? :(

 **Felix:** Like I said I’m having a bad day today and I need some more time to myself

 **Sylvain:** U said u had a bad day yesterday

 **Felix:** I have a bad weekend

 **Felix:** The days just bleed into each other sometimes, sorry

 **Sylvain:** Oh no :(

 **Sylvain:** I hope ull feel better soon

 **Felix:** I hope so too

 **Sylvain:** *Hugs u and holds u close*

Felix swallows. He wants this. Saints, he _wants_ this so bad. The masochist in him is laughing.

 **Felix:** Thank you

 **Sylvain:** Talk to me tomorrow?

 **Felix:** Always

 **Sylvain:** :)

Felix shuts his phone off before Sylvain can make up his mind to say more. ‘More’ meaning things that make Felix regret feeling anything at all at the moment. It’s better for him to force down his yoghurt, clean up already and go to bed.

Another day wasted.


	17. Day 34

Meeting adjourned, Felix slumps in his seat. These eight-to-six days are taking a toll on him. And now he can’t go straight home either, no, he made plans with Dimitri and they’ll likely stay until the place closes up. Felix should just ask him if he can work from home tomorrow. Yeah. That’s the best way to handle the fatigue already creeping into his bones.

He watches Dimitri approach his table, knocking twice on its surface as if Felix were in his office. “Gimme a moment,” Felix says, massaging his temples. “I’m exhausted.”

“You did an admirable job, as always.” Dimitri sits down on the table next to Felix’s. “Is your hand all right?”

It’s still dressed. Felix hopes he’ll be able to remove the bandages for good in the next day or two, but Dimitri doesn’t need to see the angry red line embedded in Felix’s skin today, when he’s most likely to notice. “Household accident,” Felix says which is close enough to the truth. “I can move my hand, but the skin still itches.”

“That’s a relief! I was starting to get worried.”

“Don’t. I’ll be good in a few days.”

“If you want to, we can move our— What do we call it? Night out?”

“See if I care.”

Dimitri sighs. “We can move it up-schedule if you need to recuperate.”

“No, no, today’s fine. Just let me work from home tomorrow.”

“Yes, sure.”

Felix forces himself to stand up and stretch. Thank the saints for cuffed shirts that won’t slide down your arms on accident. “There’s something I need to talk to you about anyway.”

“Does it concern work?” Dimitri waits for Felix to get his bearings and throw on his coat before falling into step beside him.

“No, it’s a private issue.”

“Should I be concerned?”

“You should figure out yourself how to feel about things.”

“Now you’re making me worry.”

Felix sighs. Of course the damn elevator has to take forever to arrive at a time no one’s in the building anymore apart from cleaning staff and the janitors. “Don’t.”

“I can’t just stop!”

“You asked me a second ago if you should be concerned. Now I tell you no.”

“You’re confusing me.” The ping of the elevator is the signal Felix has been waiting for. He steps inside, Dimitri following him, eye distant.

Felix sighs. He shouldn’t feel relieved Dimitri spaces out, but this way, Dimitri won’t nag at him. They arrive in the underground parking lot, and Dimitri, now humming, arms crossed, a finger tapping away on his biceps, obediently follows Felix to his car. He gets into the passenger’s side when Felix unlocks it, sliding into the driver’s side himself.

“I’m going to smoke when we arrive,” Felix says, starting the motor and cranking up the heat. “You can wait in the car if you want to.”

“I may. It’s cold outside.”

“Smart move.” Turning out of the parking lot, Felix dials the heat down one notch. Faerghus bred and born, there’s a limit to how much warmth he can take at once. “By the way, I’ve been wondering… Can you drive?”

“Legally, if I had a license, yes.”

“Sounds like you don’t have one.”

“Yes… I get headaches and space out too frequently for it to be safe.”

“How do you get to work then?”

“Oh, I do quite enjoy the peace of early morning walks.”

“Even in the snow or rain?”

“You won’t believe the sights I’ve seen!”

Felix snorts. “People falling on their asses left and right. Drenched rats ruining their best clothes.”

“Mainly.” Dimitri laughs a little. The sound is alien and yet etched into the recesses of Felix’s memory, and it feels wonderful to have his old friend, his oldest friend, crack a joke after all these years of uncertainty and pain. Felix sighs, a smile blossoming his lips. “I have seen the odd fox going through people’s trash.”

“I never see animals in the city apart from birds. And pet dogs.”

“I saw someone walk a ferret once! It looked really funny.”

“Yeah, these things seem to lack a spine.”

“Exactly! The ways they can move in are truly astounding!”

“Aren’t they?”

“Yes! Such superb little critters.” Felix’s eyes flick over to see Dimitri’s smile.

“Don’t they stink to high heaven?”

“I wouldn’t know. I only saw the one from a distance and have yet to meet another.”

“Pets usually smell in some way.”

“I’m familiar with wet dog.”

“A pristine fragrance.” And now Felix’s thoughts wander, to the one dog he’s seen more from than any other: Lex. Lex on Instagram, Lex in Sylvain’s selfies, Lex on his own. Does he smell? Probably. All dogs smell, even when dry. But some are worse than others. Dogs also have bad breath. Lex may, too. He’s a few years old already.

“—even listening?”

“What?” Felix snaps out of his thoughts.

“I asked about your cat, but this time it seems you zoned out on me.”

Fighting down his flush, Felix says, “Sorry. Cat doesn’t smell. Her piss reeks, though.”

“That’s a shame.”

“Cats just stink. All pets do.”

“Not my pet cactus!”

“Which is a _plant_.”

“Some plants have unpleasant smells.”

“That’s true.” Felix turns into the parking lot of the bowling alley and shuts off the car. Dimitri exits it at the same time as him and Felix raises an eyebrow at him. “Did you forget my smoke?” he asks, holding up his lighter and the pack of cigs already in his hands.

“Oh.” Dimitri stares at him. To escape his unwavering eye, Felix looks down to watch the end of the cigarette catch fire. “I don’t mind.”

“Suit yourself.” Felix tries to enjoy the acrid smoke as much as possible, turning his back on his car to lean against its side, and with that move also making Dimitri vanish from his sight. The man stays quiet, perhaps reading the mood. Felix can’t feel his eye boring into his back, and when he’s finished—remembering to dispose of the smoked-up butt at the nearest garbage bin to make his boss proud—he finds Dimitri join his side, still quiet. “Something wrong?”

“No. I just thought you looked at peace. I didn’t want to disturb the moment.”

“These things clear my head.”

“Well, I do not want to remind you of the contents of our previous discussion then—”

“Way to accomplish this.” Felix shakes his head, a grin forming. He stalks towards the building, Dimitri keeping pace easily. Stupid long legs.

“Yes. So, there was something you wanted to talk about?”

“Let’s get a private booth first.”

“Is it that embarrassing?”

“How,” Felix turns to face Dimitri, “can you go from being worried to thinking this is embarrassing me?”

“Well, it has to be _some_ thing.” Dimitri crosses his arms in front of his chest, biceps bulging.

“I’ll tell you in a minute.” Felix marches up to the counter to pay for a private booth for two hours including beverages and the renting fee for the shoes. Dimitri’s feet are fucking huge. Once settled on opposite seats of their booth, coats and jackets spilled onto the free ones, Felix watches him slip them out of his metal boots and into the bowling shoes. A waitress serves them a liter bottle of sparkling water and a glass each, and the only way to prolong his confession any further is to type up his name on the screen, so Felix goes right ahead.

Dimitri takes his turn right after him and even lets Felix throw the first ball—hitting nine pins despite hands clammy with sweat and one bandaged up—before he says, “I believe the minute is up.”

Felix bites his bottom lip, feeling the edge of his tooth bite into the place worn thin from all his previous bouts of worrying. “You remember the friend I told you about? The one who pushes me to… do things beyond work?”

“I… think so.”

“Well, even if you don’t, I don’t know him in real life. We started texting for reasons, and I didn’t even know his face.”

“That is unusual in friendship.” Dimitri frowns. “Can you even be certain that the person behind it is real?”

“I’m sure by now. He sent me a few pictures and I may have found his Instagram.” The last part, Felix presses out between lips wanting to stay shut. As long as he doesn’t think too closely about his nightly insta raids and what else he does during that time, he’ll be fine. “He knows what I look like by now as well.”

“Okay.” It sounds like Dimitri wants to ask a question and he doesn’t.

“Yes. So. He’s 31, only a little older than us. He told me right from the start so I thought… cultivating this friendship, if it would ever turn into one, is at the very least not reprehensible.”

“Are you sure?”

Felix rolls his eyes, his hand already reaching down his pants’ pocket for his cell phone. “What are you so suspicious of?”

“People lie all the time on the internet.”

“And yet you wanted to engage Annette Dominic for your ad. You only know her because you’re her fan!”

“That’s not the same and you know it.” If Felix squints, he can almost make out the pout Dimitri’s trying to conceal. “She does not hide in anonymity.”

“Well, neither does Sylvain.” Felix unlocks his phone and opens the gallery. His heart skips a beat when he see the few selfies Sylvain took for him, all neatly saved in their own folders.

“Sylvain?”

“That’s his name.” Felix opens the picture of him squatting next to Lex and hands his phone to Dimitri. “This is him.”

“Are you sure?” Dimitri asks, _again_ , even as his eye lights up. He must like the dog.

Rolling his eyes, Felix asks, “Are you jealous?”

Dimitri heaves a heavy sigh. “No, I’m concerned. I don’t want you to end up talking to a rapist or a murderer.”

“Saints, Dima. People you meet in real life can turn out to be wholly different from the way you initially perceive them, too.” Dimitri looks up. His eye is searching Felix’s face, and Felix can see the smile forming out of the corner of his eye when he looks away. “Yes.”

“So you just wanted to show me your… internet acquaintance?”

“Friend.”

“Friend. Because you made it sound as if you had a problem.”

Seiros, Felix does. He _does_. Getting up, he wipes his hands on his pants. “Scroll through the pictures.”

He doesn’t face Dimitri, but after a minute or two or forever, Dimitri pushes the phone against Felix’s arm, so he takes it back. “He smiles a lot.”

“That, too.”

“What else?”

“I—” Felix’s eyes roam the room until he settles on the water. He pours himself a glass and wets his suddenly parched tongue. Here goes nothing. “I have a big fucking crush on the man.”

“Oh.” Dimitri doesn’t say anything for such a long time that Felix jolts when the reminder that they’re supposed to be bowling blares through the speakers of their booth. Fucking automated systems.

“What?” Felix bites, sitting down hard and watching Dimitri consider his bowling ball.

“Have you told him?”

“No.”

“Hm.” That’s it. Dimitri scores, and then Felix does, and they go on like this until Felix wins the first round.

“You can say you don’t approve if you’re still jealous. Or ‘worried’, as you prefer to call it.”

“Don’t be so choleric—”

“You can say ‘bitchy’ if you mean it.”

Dimitri sighs, shoulders sagging as though all the strength to keep them up just up and vanished. “Felix, you’re my oldest friend and very dear to me, so of course I’m worried about your well-being. But if you think I’m vexed by you developing romantic feelings—”

“Can you make it short, please?” Felix unscrews the water bottle and drinks straight out of it.

“Why is you being in love with your internet friend an issue?”

For starters, Felix wouldn’t phrase it like this. He’s perhaps lusting after Sylvain (a detail Dimitri does not need to be privy of), and he _likes_ -likes him, but that doesn’t mean this is love. Does it?

Nah. Dimitri can’t be right about anything concerning feelings. He can’t even sort his own ones out.

But can Felix?

“I neglected to tell you that Sylvain is straight.”

“Oh.”

“He loves boob. He loves pussy. Even if I had the right equipment, by telling him ‘last time I checked’ to his question if I were a man I effectively ruled out any possibility of him ever developing any feelings beyond friendship for me.”

“But what is so bad about friendship?”

“Nothing should be bad about it. But it hurts! He went out for Valentine’s Day to hook up with a woman he neither knows nor cares about, instead of, you know, going for me.” Felix swallows. His throat is closing up and he needs more water to keep his own body from choking him. He even may not start to cry if he preoccupies himself with drinking.

Dimitri’s hand on his shoulder makes Felix look into the other man’s face. His eye is soft, the blue deep and warm. Felix stumbles forward into the hug Dimitri pulls him into. He lets himself relax, just appreciate being held for once and reveling in the unexpected gentleness of the gesture. His arms slowly come up to wrap around Dimitri as well. It’s hard not to be undone and leak tears.

Felix stays tough. They’re in a public space, he reminds himself, and it’s for this reason he eventually loosens his arms and steps back. “Thank you,” he rasps, already grabbing the water bottle to wet his throat again. “I needed this.”

“Let’s play another round,” Dimitri says, handing Felix a bowling ball. He’s trembling somewhat and misses, the ball rolling down one of the gutters. Dimitri scores a strike of course. “I don’t intend to make you upset again, but I do wonder how you know that this Sylvain is heterosexual.”

“Because he keeps reminding me. He’s been making sure I won’t get the wrong idea from the very start.”

“Did you tell him outright you’re bisexual?” Which is what Dimitri calls it.

“No. But he took it well when I did. Kept asking me questions about it, but, you know, not in a way that would be offensive.”

Dimitri keeps scoring, Felix slowly gaining ground. It’ll be a much closer match than the one before. For a split second the thought that Felix isn’t really better than Dimitri crosses his mind, that Dimitri is just handicapped with his one eye and can’t gauge the distance and angle any better. But then Dimitri says, “So his actions may contradict his words,” and Felix’s thoughts are yanked back to Sylvain and his own problems.

“I… No?” Another gutter for Felix. “Yes?” He has to go over Sylvain’s texts again. This is what reading between the lines is all about. Be a detective and find the hidden truth.

It’s going to drive Felix insane.

“What did he say exactly?” Dimitri asks, voice calm, form perfect, adding another strike to his score. “These questions he asked.”

“If… wait.” Felix sits down, phone already in hand, and searches the chat. He doesn’t remember the exact wording, so he pins the texts down from the date. It was _that_ day, after all. “He asked if I’m out to my family. How I confessed. If it went well. And he wanted to ask if I ever had gay sex but I said I had before he could ask.”

Dimitri doesn’t even have to say anything anymore. Felix’s heart is racing, his arms beginning to shake with the realization dawning on him that he’s a fucking idiot. Seen like this, it reads like Sylvain’s asking him how to go about it. Which means Felix may have been misinterpreting a whole lot more of his texts—even worse, he feels like he holds the key to Sylvain’s v-day problem in hand—because Felix was taking Sylvain’s assurance he’s straight at face value, even though he knows the man has lied to him about details.

And what if sexuality is just another footnote to Sylvain? If the urge to act on his potential bi-curiosity just never was strong enough for him, if he needed a powerful trigger first, if he’s been waiting for the right one to trudge into his life, then playing it down, no, ignoring it all, worse yet, making himself believe in being straight—that would be the easy thing. Especially if his family’s weird about it.

Sylvain did say his parents, especially his father, aren’t easy to please. And he did mention a mysterious sibling once, and never again.

Felix’s head hurts.

“I need to talk to him,” he says, eyes moving up to Dimitri’s face.

“Let’s finish the game first. Then we can call it a day if you like.”

Felix barks a laugh. “Don’t expect me to be able to concentrate now.” Still, he grabs a ball and even scores.

“Are you getting your hopes up?”

“I don’t want to. I’ve been feeling like shit since Saturday evening.” But Felix can’t deny the spark of hope lighting up in him again, like a dried seed blooming after a single drop of water. The crash Felix had on the weekend was terrible, and yet he’s still yearning for Sylvain, perhaps even grasping at straws, instead of giving up on him.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s got nothing to do with you.” Felix smirks—another strike. Perhaps he won’t lose this round after all.

“Still. I don’t want you to feel horrible again.”

“I appreciate it.”

Dimitri gets the hint and stays silent. They finish their game, which Dimitri barely wins before sitting down and massaging his temples. “Thank you for the invitation,” he offers.

“Thank you for listening to my troubles.” Felix unties the bowling shoes to replace them with his boots again. “It means a lot.”

“Please don’t hesitate to reach out if anything goes… badly. I did not intend to make you believe in your friend’s open-mindedness concerning his own sexual orientation.”

Felix shrugs, watching Dimitri rise and pull on his coat, then mimics his movements. “I can’t stop thinking about it. But I’ll be careful.” Dangling his shoes from one hand and his keyring from the other, Felix says, “I’ll drive you home.”

Dimitri smiles, his face warming up. “Thank you.”

* * *

Store-bought lasagna, already prepared and only needing to be heated up, sucks. It tastes stale—well, the parts of his tongue Felix can still taste with after burning it in a bout of eager starvation tell him it’s not worth it. He’s sitting on his usual place on the sofa, Cat this time lying sausage-style on the headrest, her tail dangling down, its tip lazily twitching. Showered, cocooned in his blanket, and, while not enjoying the method, filling his stomach, Felix is about as comfortable as he can get with Sylvain looming around the corner of his every thought.

He really shouldn’t draw this out. Felix opens up the chat on his phone he carried with him to rest on his covered legs.

**Sylvain:** U know what i thought abt tonite?

What a wonderful opener. This can be _anything._

**Felix:** No

Felix hopes for something innocent, preferably something that has nothing to do with women whatsoever. If it does, he’s just going to cancel all his plans concerning Sylvain before Felix cancels himself.

The dots come up, indicating Sylvain’s already typing.

**Sylvain:** Wanna know? ;)

**Felix:** Not with that smiley attached

**Sylvain:** Ok let me rephrase:

**Sylvain:** Wanna know?

**Felix:** I don’t really get a choice

**Sylvain:** I thought

**Sylvain:** Ur names felix. Like the cat

**Sylvain:** U know the black and white one

**Sylvain:** And u also have a cat!

**Felix:** Wow

**Sylvain:** Thank u for pretending ur excited

**Felix:** I should be glad my old man didn’t name me Garfield then

**Sylvain:** Cmon therere other great cats

**Sylvain:** Like tom

**Sylvain:** Or hello kitty

**Felix:** This is getting worse by the second

**Sylvain:** Or meowth

**Felix:** Shut the fuck up

**Sylvain:** *Whispers* Or tailmon

**Felix:** I don’t even know who that is

**Felix:** Or what

**Sylvain:** I knew it! U were a pokemon kid :(

**Felix:** Please do under no circumstances enlighten me

**Sylvain:** All right :(

**Sylvain:** How was ur day?

**Felix:** Went bowling with my boss

**Sylvain:** :o

**Sylvain:** Tell me u won

**Felix:** We only played two rounds. I won the first and he the second

**Sylvain:** Man and here i was rooting for u

**Felix:** For a past event

**Sylvain:** Doesnt matter

**Felix:** That’s not all

**Felix:** You remember me saying I prefer winter over summer?

**Sylvain:** Yea?

**Felix:** I take everything back

**Felix:** Today, on the 5 meters between the place I parked my car and the grocery store, I slipped and landed flat on my ass

**Felix:** A girl who looked like she’s still in kindergarten pointed her finger at me and laughed

**Felix:** It was humiliating

**Sylvain:** Sorry i started laughing too

**Sylvain:** I can just picture u so well

**Sylvain:** Rubbing ur hurt ass and then

**Sylvain:** Brandishing ur walking stick like a cranky old man

**Felix:** I think I already told you to shut the fuck up once today

**Sylvain:** Btw do u like children?

**Felix:** No. They’re obnoxious and loud and stupid

**Sylvain:** Theyre just little humans :(

**Sylvain:** I always wanted to be a dad

**Felix:** But?

**Sylvain:** U know

That so far he never wanted a relationship with someone who could make him a father? What happened last weekend? Or that Sylvain’s own father acts as a catalyst, either as a bad example for fatherhood, or as the nagging father who just wants to have grandchildren?

**Felix:** Yes. Sorry

It’s the easiest way to reply.

**Sylvain:** But the bullshit notwithstanding

**Sylvain:** I think having a kid would be nice

**Felix:** Maybe it’ll work out in the end

**Sylvain:** Who knows

**Felix:** So how was your day?

**Sylvain:** Ohh same old same old

**Sylvain:** Been mixing

**Sylvain:** Ill have this busker dude over tomorrow who wants to record some songs

**Sylvain:** Then ill be mixing some more

**Felix:** But it’s fun?

**Sylvain:** Sometimes less, sometimes more

**Sylvain:** The worst work day in the year is the one on which i have to do the taxes

**Sylvain:** So i wont complain :)

**Felix:** I have a tax consultant

**Felix:** I just send her all my stuff and then it’s her problem

**Sylvain:** Lmao that sounds like u

Cat stretches on her place on the headrest, tiny paws folding out into stars with her tiny claws peeking out. Then she’s back to dozing.

**Felix:** By the way

**Felix:** I have a question

**Sylvain:** Shoot

**Felix:** It may sound weird

**Sylvain:** Shoot

**Felix:** What is the gayest thing you’ve ever done?

**Sylvain:** Uh

**Sylvain:** Gay as in… stereotypically gay behavior, or gay as in if i ever sucked dick?

**Felix:** The latter

**Sylvain:** This does sound weird

**Sylvain:** U comin onto me? ;)

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** I need to know to complete a thought

**Sylvain:** This still sounds queer

**Felix:** Pun intended

**Sylvain:** Yup

**Felix:** I’ll tell you once you answered the question

**Sylvain:** Well all right

**Sylvain:** I need to think

**Sylvain:** I never kissed a man or like

**Sylvain:** So uh

**Sylvain:** Does pegging count?

Felix coughs. What the hell?

**Felix:** Pegging?

**Sylvain:** U know

**Sylvain:** When a woman wears a strap-on and fucks a man in the ass?

**Felix:** I know

The cough is back. And so is Felix’s over-active imagination.

**Felix:** Oh gods

**Sylvain:** Well not to get all defensive on u but its not so bad

**Sylvain:** I had this thing once with someone who was really into it

**Sylvain:** I just let her do her thing

**Sylvain:** It was great while it lasted haha

**Sylvain:** Now tell me about ur thought!

**Sylvain:** Or r u having lewd ones now?

**Felix:** I’m not you

**Sylvain:** Right. Ur pure and innocent

**Felix:** I’m not a whore

**Sylvain:** Ouchie

**Felix:** Have a band-aid

**Sylvain:** Thanks it will heal my wounded pride

**Sylvain:** Now tell me abt that thought!!!!

**Felix:** On Sunday you told me hooking up always feels at least a little wrong for you

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Yea

**Felix:** And I thought maybe you’re not as straight as you thought?

**Sylvain:** I

**Sylvain:** I have no idea how u arrived at that conclusion

Felix’s hands begin to shake. He fucked this up already.

No.

No he didn’t.

Taking a deep breath, he tries again. He knows he can do this.

**Felix:** I phrased that poorly, my bad

**Felix:** I’ll try to explain

**Sylvain:** Please enlighten me

**Sylvain:** That was some jump in logic

**Felix:** I was thinking maybe it’s another part of your “persona” but it’s taken over

**Felix:** Everyone expected you to be straight so that’s what you gave them, no questions asked

**Felix:** The thought something might be off just never crossed your mind

**Felix:** But something triggered the feeling that it’s not as good or not the right thing in a way that made you literally sick

**Sylvain:** I dont know :/

**Sylvain:** I love women

**Felix:** That’s why you treat them like shit

**Sylvain:** I

**Sylvain:** Felix

**Felix:** Yes?

**Sylvain:** Thats not true

**Felix:** It’s not true for Ingrid and Doro

**Felix:** But you told me yourself you are not fond at all of the women you pick up

**Sylvain:** This is easier to talk abt when im high

Oh no.

**Felix:** Don’t

**Felix:** We don’t have to talk about it at all

**Felix:** It’s just some food for thought

**Sylvain:** Thanks

Felix exhales a sigh of relief. As he’s waiting for Sylvain to start blabbering about something that will not hit too close to home (hopefully), Felix finishes his soggy lasagna. He gets up to chase it with a cool beer from the fridge. Sylvain has texted in the meantime.

**Sylvain:** If its all right to change the subject

**Sylvain:** I actually wanted to ask u for some input

**Sylvain:** Im trying to learn new things

**Sylvain:** U know

**Sylvain:** Branch out bc now i have so much more time on my hands not spent partying and fucking and being hungover lol

**Sylvain:** Its really amazing

**Sylvain:** I *am* getting old. Im starting to value my time so much more

**Sylvain:** Anyway

**Sylvain:** Where have u gone???

**Felix:** Fridge

**Sylvain:** Oh good i thought u were gonna abandon me for a second haha

**Felix:** Input on what?

**Sylvain:** Two things

**Sylvain:** 1: Should i paint my treehouse and if yes, which color?

**Felix:** I don’t know. I think wood looks all right

**Sylvain:** Okay thanks

**Felix:** Don’t make it blue or pink or neon green. Something that looks natural if you absolutely want to paint it

**Sylvain:** Nah, ill just varnish then

**Sylvain:** What abt the roof?

**Sylvain:** Reddish? Blueish?

**Felix:** Red

**Sylvain:** Thank u

**Sylvain:** Ur a great help so far!

Is he?

**Felix:** What about the interior?

**Sylvain:** Depends wholly on how well my roof will hold lol

**Sylvain:** I mean if its leaky then putting stuff in there for longer than the time ill be up there would be ill-advised

**Felix:** Build a good roof then

**Sylvain:** Ill try to

**Sylvain:** Honestly speaking tho i dont actually know how much weight the floor will support lol

**Sylvain:** Its better as a lounge and place to hang out in (and have privacy from lex) than anything serious

**Felix:** I see

**Felix:** Did you have a treehouse when you were a kid?

**Sylvain:** Nah not really

Huh?

**Felix:** What do you mean?

**Sylvain:** I wasnt allowed in :(

**Sylvain:** My parents were afraid i may fall out and break my neck

**Felix:** Ok?

**Sylvain:** Their precious golden boy must not die

**Felix:** Oh

**Felix:** Were your parents overbearing?

**Sylvain:** Sometimes i wish they cared more and other times i wish theyd stop giving a fuck

**Sylvain:** Not looking forward to st indech day

**Felix:** Are you going to visit them?

**Sylvain:** Yup

**Sylvain:** Same procedure as every year

**Sylvain:** Birthdays, holidays…

**Sylvain:** Sometimes i can come up with an excuse but really

**Sylvain:** I shouldnt behave like this

**Felix:** You can’t pick your family

**Sylvain:** Regrettably

**Sylvain:** Theyre gonna ask me abt my life

**Sylvain:** Were is my wife? Were are the 20 children my father thinks i owe him? It must all be my own fault. Im a handsome young man after all, so if its not my looks nor my age, it must be my personality. Or my micropenis. But thats not something my parents would think abt lol

**Felix:** You have a tiny dick?

**Sylvain:** NO!!!

Felix swallows. He’d pay money for the proof.

**Sylvain:** I meant everyones so invested in dick sizes that if i cant get myself a wife, then obviously my dick must be tiny (its not)

**Sylvain:** My parents would never mention something like this tho lol

**Sylvain:** So my personality it is they get to pick apart

**Sylvain:** Look at me. Im a stupid punk. How havent i grown out of it yet? Why did i have to throw my money outta the window for a tattoo that makes me unwanted on the marriage market? Why would i want to work in the art and entertainment industry when theres respectable nine to five office jobs to waste ur life away at? (No offense)

**Felix:** None taken

**Felix:** Your parents sound like a handful

**Felix:** I don’t think I’d get along with them

**Sylvain:** Hell no lmao

**Sylvain:** At first glance ur like the son they always wanted

**Sylvain:** U have that office job and shit

**Sylvain:** But the second u mention to them liking dudes

**Sylvain:** Its like

**Sylvain:** U wont fit in their perception of the world anymore

**Sylvain:** And theyll put on these incredibly fake smiles

**Sylvain:** And feign being nice

**Sylvain:** And as soon as they think ur out of hearing range theyll say nasty things behind ur back

**Felix:** Sorry but I do not like this

**Sylvain:** Yap me neither

**Sylvain:** They get these offended expressions whenever i mention doro

**Felix:** Because she’s not straight

**Sylvain:** Absolutely

**Sylvain:** Also she has huge knockers and isnt afraid to show them off

**Sylvain:** My parents eventually let me in on the fact that “people from adrestia r all sluts”

**Felix:** Is Doro from there?

**Sylvain:** Yes! I met her when i went there to study

**Felix:** Your parents sound insufferable

**Sylvain:** Tell me abt it

**Sylvain:** Im really REALLY not in the mood for their advanced bullshittery

**Sylvain:** Especially after having made another not-hetero friend

**Felix:** I understand

**Felix:** I can be here on stand-by

**Felix:** If you need someone to let some steam off

**Sylvain:** Ohhh thank you!!!

**Sylvain:** I appreciate this A LOT

**Felix:** Well you did the same for me

**Sylvain:** It paid out huh

**Felix:** I’m doing it because I value the friendship

**Sylvain:** Soft felix

**Felix:** Shut up

**Sylvain:** *Cuddles u*

**Felix:** Hugs are all right now but no cuddling

**Sylvain:** But i want to :(

**Felix:** Maybe someday

**Sylvain:** Ill be patient then

**Sylvain:** Anyway

**Sylvain:** Onto question number two if ur ready

Oh, right. Felix already forgot.

**Felix:** I am

**Sylvain:** 2: Even though every plant i touch mysteriously dies (and even though i have a dog fond of upturning soil and digging), should i try and garden more? Grow some puny, shriveled turnips?

**Felix:** I’m not good with plants

**Sylvain:** Dont u have a rubber plant?

**Felix:** It doesn’t even die when I forget to water it

**Felix:** You can’t possibly compare it to growing your own vegetables

**Sylvain:** I should build a fence first anyway bc of lex

**Sylvain:** But idk its romantic i guess

**Sylvain:** The thought of making ur own produce

**Felix:** Farmer Sylvain

**Sylvain:** Lmao

**Sylvain:** Better than bad boy sylvain

**Felix:** Didn’t you want to take pictures?

**Sylvain:** Did i

**Felix:** I remember you said so

**Sylvain:** Funny bc remember u saying ud wanted to see it

Oops.

**Felix:** I wouldn’t mind seeing farmer Sylvain either

**Sylvain:** Hell no

**Sylvain:** I can show u what happens to my poor crops tho

**Sylvain:** Crippled and wizened

**Felix:** And make me eat them?

**Sylvain:** Great idea!

**Felix:** I refuse

**Sylvain:** :(

**Sylvain:** I actually picked up cooking last year

**Sylvain:** I now have this recipe app and its surprisingly fun

**Sylvain:** Im not that good lol

**Sylvain:** But i learned some tricks and i can make a mean curry if ur up for that

**Sylvain:** And salad with mustard

**Felix:** How did you go from your failed farming career to cooking for me?

**Sylvain:** This way i could sneak in my poor excuses for edible plants

**Sylvain:** (Also ud have to come over)

**Felix:** I see

**Felix:** You’re like a villain revealing his masterplan before its execution and therefore failing

**Sylvain:** Stop bullying me

**Sylvain:** Did u know i worked as a bartender during my time in enbarr?

**Felix:** No but I can picture it

**Sylvain:** I can at the very least make us cocktails that r actually good

**Felix:** Didn’t you mention wanting to drink cocktails with me in your treehouse?

**Sylvain:** Aw u remember

**Felix:** You’re fantasizing too much

**Sylvain:** Way to crush my hopes

**Sylvain:** Fiend

**Felix:** Like I said: Villain

**Sylvain:** Miscreant

**Felix:** Wretch

**Sylvain:** Sinner

**Felix:** Devil

**Sylvain:** So i make u sin huh? :)

**Felix:** Shut up

**Sylvain:** :)

**Felix:** You’re obnoxious

**Sylvain:** At ur service

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** OH

**Felix:** What is it now

**Sylvain:** I just remembered

**Sylvain:** Hows cat doing?

**Felix:** Sleeping

**Sylvain:** Pic?

**Felix:** She may get up if I move too much

He already got away once with his fridge raid.

**Sylvain:** Oh

Felix swallows. A terrible idea comes to mind.

**Felix:** I hope you won’t mind me being in it too

**Sylvain:** NEVER

Closing his chat in favor of his camera, Felix shuffles in place to actually have Cat’s head on the picture. The selfie cam is uncharted territory, but actually easy to work with. Felix just doesn’t get how to look into the camera without his glance devolving into a creepy stare, so he picks a picture he’s looking downwards in from peeking at the right button to push.

**Felix:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** !!!!!!!!

**Sylvain:** Cat is a pleasure to gaze at as always

**Sylvain:** I like ur hair when its open

**Sylvain:** Its sooo long

**Sylvain:** It looks really good

Felix’s lips tremble. This is exactly why sending pictures to Sylvain is a terrible idea: He’ll commend something about him and make Felix feel all giddy with stupid sparks churning in his stomach area, as though he’s about to short-circuit.

**Felix:** Thanks

**Sylvain:** Also ur eyelashes

**Sylvain:** Sorry but i need to comment

**Sylvain:** I never saw them from this angle

**Sylvain:** Im only noticing now

**Sylvain:** I never saw a dude with eyelashes this

**Sylvain:** Long?

**Felix:** Uh

**Sylvain:** Sorry i made it weird :(

**Felix:** You’re the one who looks like he wears mascara

**Sylvain:** Its called *guyliner*

Felix snorts. Sylvain can’t be serious.

**Felix:** You’re wearing make-up?

**Sylvain:** Only when doro has her way

**Sylvain:** And i guess ill have to let her have it again

**Sylvain:** For my goth get-up

**Sylvain:** So u can see how i look like with painted eyes

**Sylvain:** And that no, i do not wear mascara

**Sylvain:** I just have naturally dark lashes lol

**Sylvain:** Like my eyebrows

Like… other bodily hair, too? Felix hates how he can’t ask and get away with it—he’s been pushing his luck so far anyway, and he hopes Sylvain doesn’t connect the dots that the man Felix likes is _him_ —and Felix hates how he’s still lusting after Sylvain. There’s one way to quench his thirst, and it’s one he shouldn’t tread:

**Felix:** Do I get a picture, too?

**Sylvain:** Cant get enough of my pretty face after all huh ;)

**Felix:** It’s not like this

**Felix:** But in normal conversations you can see the person you’re talking to all the time

**Sylvain:** I could video call

**Felix:** Don’t you dare

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

No warning. Great. Fantastic. Just how Felix likes it.

Well, he did ask for it.

He’d love to ask for so much more.

Apart from Saturday evening’s selfie, none of the pictures Sylvain has sent Felix so far have appeared on his Instagram. Another observation Felix prides himself with is that Sylvain looks more and more sincere on his photos: The eyes have gone softer, laugh lines now replace the smoothness around them, they even close a little by revealing a real smile.

It’s intimate in a way the shirtless pictures on his insta can only dream to be, no matter what the lemmings commenting there think and say in a vain effort to get Sylvain to interact with them beyond hollow hearts and ‘thank you’s. They may fill up his ego, but not the void of an actual, caring relationship.

One like he has with Felix. They’re friends, and he’d never give it up.

Today Sylvain is wearing a red-and-black shirt his chest fills out nicely. The longer strands of his hair curl away from the collar, like they curl away from his face. Felix wonders for the umpteenth time if he uses a product to achieve this or if his hair just naturally does it. A golden chain glimmers around his neck and disappears in his collar. Instead of wearing a beatific smile as is routine for him, Sylvain smiles cheekily, one finger donning a silver ring pressed against his lips as if he and Felix are sharing a secret. Perhaps they are? Sylvain’s eyes are alight and bright with laughter and Felix imagines the ways they catch the light and how it dances in them.

Felix wants to kiss him.

He wants to feel the little scar against his own lips. He wants to whisper in Sylvain’s ear how damnably beautiful he is, inside and out. He wants to rake his hands through his hair and feel just how soft it is. He wants to touch his tattoo, find out if the texture of his skin is different due to the ink. He wants to ascertain how much of Sylvain’s earlobe he can put between his teeth without disturbing the plugs. He wants to feel Sylvain’s muscles move under his skin as Felix unbuttons his shirt and slides it off his shoulders.

Felix wants and he wants and he wants.

In the end all he does, swallowing, is save the picture to his Sylvain stash and close it in favor of the chat.

**Felix:** Thank you

**Felix:** It’s different but I like it

**Sylvain:** Now for the compliment

**Felix:** Your lips are chapped

**Sylvain:** I just touched them and its so not true!!!

**Sylvain:** They r soft :(

**Sylvain:** I put balm on them every day

**Felix:** I don’t

**Sylvain:** U should

**Felix:** I heard it’s like a drug

**Felix:** Your lips will be all the rougher for withholding the balm once

**Sylvain:** My lips are *soft* and *smell nice* because of my balm

Saints. This is driving Felix crazy. He knows he ought to read between the lines, and he hopes for the subtext to say that Sylvain is telling him all this because he wants Felix to kiss him. But he cannot get his heart broken again, not like this, especially not again when he’s just as horny as last time. He should relax and enjoy what he has and not aim for more and miss the shot.

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** U started it

**Felix:** You did because you need compliments to feel good about yourself

**Sylvain:** Im insecure :(

**Felix:** You wouldn’t know what insecurity felt like if it bit you in the ass

**Sylvain:** Mean

**Sylvain:** Meanie

**Sylvain:** Ur a meanie weenie

**Felix:** Needed three tries to come up with that?

**Sylvain:** Stop bullying me

**Sylvain:** U never even asked after lex :(

**Felix:** I noticed he wasn’t in your picture

**Sylvain:** Hes sleeping too

**Sylvain:** (Like cat)

**Sylvain:** Working his paws. Must be dreaming of running

**Sylvain:** Every time i notice him doing it i want to shoot a video but as soon as i open the camera he stops

**Felix:** His sixth sense

Sylvain takes almost a minute to reply.

**Sylvain:** Oh gods

**Sylvain:** Im laughing so hard

**Sylvain:** I woke him up

**Felix:** It wasn’t even funny

Still, Felix is smiling. He may not be able to make Ashe or Molinaro laugh, but he can bring a smile to Dimitri’s face and make Sylvain happy in his way.

**Sylvain:** It wasnt really lol

**Sylvain:** It still made me laugh tho

**Sylvain:** Maybe my sense of humor is just compatible with urs in that special way that enables u to share bad jokes?

**Felix:** Tell me one before I go to bed

Felix moves to put his used dishes away, then cleans himself up in the bathroom. The way the fabric of his pants rubs against his crotch is distracting, but he can’t disappear on Sylvain like this after telling him he’d go to bed. So back to the sofa Felix trudges.

**Sylvain:** Right its late and ur exhauted

**Sylvain:** *Eshausten

**Sylvain:** WHAT

**Sylvain:** *Exhausted

**Sylvain:** My eyesights failing me

**Felix:** I could have told you that two weeks ago when you sent me that sim

**Sylvain:** RUDE

**Felix:** Maybe you should rest your eyes as well

**Sylvain:** Maybe i will

**Sylvain:** Getting older pains :(

**Felix:** High five

**Sylvain:** HIGH FIVR

**Sylvain:** *FIVRE

**Felix:** Are you ok?

**Sylvain:** *FIVE

**Sylvain:** Yes i am my phone just sucks :(

**Sylvain:** My fingers r too big for this tiny screen

**Felix:** You’ve been texting just fine beforehand

**Sylvain:** Oh gods felix i am not getting high again on ur watch

**Felix:** I didn’t say that

**Sylvain:** U implied it

**Sylvain:** So ive been thinking abt that joke and then i started googling some bc i cant think of anything

**Sylvain:** And theyre sooo bad i need to spare u

**Felix:** Thanks

**Sylvain:** Is this sarcastic or genuine?

**Felix:** Genuine

**Sylvain:** Okay that i can live with

**Sylvain:** I dont want to disappoint haha

As if he ever could.

**Sylvain:** So ur off to bed?

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** Good night

**Sylvain:** Good ni-hight! Sleep well!!

**Felix:** You too

He shuts off his phone before Sylvain can text any more. After scrambling back to the bathroom, Felix shuts the door, and Cat out with it, to take care of his growing distraction in peace. _Then_ he’s off to bed.


	18. Day 37

Felix goes through most of his gym routine—changing, stretches, treadmill, bodyweight, dumbbells—miraculously avoiding Caspar’s presence altogether. His perceived absence is suspicious enough to make Felix watch out for his neon hair, turn his head at every sudden movement he spies out of the corner of his eyes, strain his ears for the usually loud ways Caspar has of announcing himself. Resting against the wall and sucking from his water bottle, Felix finally spots Caspar entering the gym and dashing to the counter. He looks exhausted already yet gains a new surge of strength for some reason to shout and gesticulate animatedly.

Closing his eyes, Felix turns away from the ruckus. Now that they are disturbed, he wants his relative peace and solitude back. Well, he can’t have both.

A pair of squelchy steps approach and then Caspar bellows, “Felix! I wasn’t sure if it was you I spotted just sitting here. What’s up, man?”

Felix opens his eyes and raises his head. “Hey.” Caspar grasps his hand and doesn’t even feel the urge to wipe Felix’s sweat off his palm. “I was wondering where you were.”

“Linhardt made me study.” Caspar retches. “I have finals next week and the one after, and Lin threatened to tie me to the chair until I got the problem solved. He didn’t go so far in the end.”

“But you solved it?”

“I think it was more dumb luck than conscious effort. Or he took pity on me because he said I have ants in my pants?”

“Let me guess. You checked and there weren’t any.”

“No! I know what that saying means!” Caspar scratches the back of his head. “But is it true? That I get all nervous and eager to move?”

“You _were_ shuffling around a lot during the movie night.”

“Oh, right! We should organize a second one!”

“Not with your feet in my face again.”

Caspar’s eyebrows draw up, then down. “I don’t remember that happening.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you happen to not remember anything at all.”

“Uh…” A sheepish look crosses Caspar’s face. He extends an arm to Felix. “C’mon, get up! Are you already spent?”

“More or less.” Still, Felix takes the proffered hand and lets himself be heaved to his feet.

“It’s like the time you were late and I was already done!”

“It’s similar, yes. Want me to assist you in kick-boxing, too?”

“Oh, that’s a great idea!” Caspar waits for Felix to follow him to the ring, checking back over his shoulder often enough to make Felix want to turn invisible.

Pulling on the protective gear, Felix asks, “What did you argue with Catherine about?”

“Oh, we didn’t argue.” Caspar laughs, hand mussing up his hair. “She reminded me about this weapon workshop thingy and apparently you can’t sign up for the one here in Fhirdiad anymore!” He whirls around so quickly Felix takes a step back. “I hope you got to sign up in time!”

“Can you keep a secret?”

Caspar leans closer, voice conspiratorial but not subdued at all for it. “Yes.”

“Make sure it won’t leak to Catherine.”

“Yes!”

“I signed up for Arianrhod.”

“What? Why?”

Because Felix doesn’t need Catherine with him, nagging at him and gossiping and showing off. “I thought I could do with some fresh scenery.”

Caspar nods slowly. “I see.”

“If you really want to go and they still have a free spot there, sign up. I’ll drive you.”

Caspar’s mouth opens in a wide grin. He’s way too close to Felix’s poor ears to yell “Road trip!” loud enough to clue in the whole city block the gym is part of.

Felix is left with ringing ears and the first taste of a headache. “Calm down!”

“No! This is exciting! We can board the same room and watch a movie every night and—”

“Sign up first. Then we’ll talk.”

“Yes! Make sure to check your phone! You’re really negligent with your texts.”

Felix already regrets his offer. There’s nothing he can do about it anymore, though, and really, Caspar can take a hint. Catherine can’t. And this’ll earn Felix some friend points. He has no idea what to do with them, but perhaps they’ll come in handy and Felix gets to pick the next movie. “I’ll try to,” Felix says. “Are you ready?”

“As can be!”

Caspar is a fierce fighter. While Felix does recall what their sparring used to be like, he’s either remembering it wrong or underestimating of just how much more muscle Caspar is now composed of. Moreover, he’s rested whereas Felix was ready to go home, and Caspar’s blows hit hard and true. He lessens the strength behind them when he realizes Felix is faltering, and stops when Felix can’t keep up anymore.

“Sorry,” Felix says once they’re done, picking at the sleeves of his tracksuit. He wants at the very least to roll them up and air his sweating arms. The call of home is strong.

“Nah, don’t apologize!” Caspar grins. “Thanks for the warm-up.”

Felix gives a small smile in return. If anything, Caspar is a very optimistic guy. “I’ll be going then.”

“Let me walk you to the cubicles!” With no way to deny him, Felix lets Caspar trail after him. “So, about movie night volume two… I was thinking we could change the scenery.”

“What do you mean?” Felix asks, sliding the door closed behind him.

“Well, we were at my place last time so next time we could do it at yours or Ashe’s?”

“Okay.”

“Is this a ‘yes’ okay or an ‘I understand’ okay?”

“A ‘yes’ okay.”

“Your tone is sometimes so flat it’s hard to tell.” Caspar laughs uncertainly.

Felix slides the door open again for Caspar to behold his scowl. “We should check with Ashe either way before deciding.”

“Yes, of course! But you’d be fine with playing host?”

“I guess.” Felix gives Caspar a half-shrug.

“Perfect! We can talk about this all later—and about the road trip!”

“Don’t forget to sign up _first_.”

“I will! I mean I won’t!” Caspar’s brow furrows, but his grin stays.

“Good. I’ll be going then.”

“Have a nice evening! And weekend!”

“You, too.” Felix manages another smile and passes Caspar, sneaking out of the gym without giving Catherine the opening for a verbal assault.

* * *

While he is not usually one for propping up his feet, today Felix finds it in himself that he does not give a flying fuck, and rests his feet across on his table across from the sofa. The plate he picks his moderately disgusting salad from lies on his legs. Cat is curled up propped against his hips, not giving even a millimeter more space to him than absolutely necessary. The TV rambles on about how to deal with conspiracy theorists because Felix left it on after the evening news, with nothing happening in the world but tragedy, pain, and death.

Once he’s done with his salad—its only remedying property being the onion rings Felix cried his tear ducts dry for at least the whole week for—Felix replaces the fork in his hand with his phone. Sylvain hadn’t texted him by the last time he checked it two hours ago, when he arrived home, but now there are a few texts from him waiting for Felix.

He eagerly opens the chat.

**Sylvain:** U better be happy felix

**Sylvain:** I granted myself a nice and much-needed 6 hour break to hang out with doro this afternoon

**Sylvain:** I froze my ass off for her (and u) so id look “sexy” is what she called it

**Sylvain:** And not wrapped in 20 layers of garment lol

**Sylvain:** The result

**Sylvain:** *Cringes*

**Sylvain:** Its so awful

**Sylvain:** Ur gonna go blind sorry dude

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

Felix swallows. Hard.

For starters, he did not expect Sylvain to actually pull through with the bad boy thing. Furthermore, even if taking into account Sylvain may eventually grant him the favor despite his reluctance, Felix had only banked on the goth get-up. Not on another shot, the first one Sylvain sent him, showing him lean against a gray brick wall and looking like he time-traveled out of the late 1980s. His ripped jeans are so tight that Felix zooms in a little to find out if they reveal something, but the resolution isn’t good enough to make out anything of note. Sylvain wears black leather boots as well as a belt from the same material, and a fitting jacket Doro made him leave open to show the print of his… It looks like a white tank, the neckline so low that his collarbones are exposed. His tattoo winds itself over the right side of them to disappear behind his neck, only the edge of it showing on his neck from this angle. Its other end on Sylvain’s hand is visible though. Most of his fingers are adorned with silver or black rings, one of them donning a grinning skull’s visage.

The dark aviator glasses he wears make Sylvain’s eyes unreadable. His lips are parted a litte, and combined with the few hours worth of stubble growth, he looks so kissable Felix can’t keep from licking his own lips and touching a finger to them. Sylvain’s hair is the most tidy Felix has ever seen it, tamed with comb and straightener to show it’s longer than Felix thought it was, the strands in the front falling down to his jawline.

Felix swallows. Again. He gets up to grab a beer and wet his parched throat, all the while thinking that what he wants to taste is something else entirely.

Back on the sofa, beer bottle still in his hand, Felix looks at the other photo. Doro picked a different angle for the picture to show more of Sylvain’s face and her handiwork with her make-up. Apart from it, Sylvain is dressed in all black, belts jutting out from his boots, spikes from his belt and, yes, the dog collar. Shit. If Felix wasn’t hard before, he sure as fuck is now, and he isn’t even done looking.

The rings on Sylvain’s fingers are the same—perhaps they are part of his regular outfit, or they just wanted to save time—but this time, his nails are painted black. Chains hang from his belt, and yes, he’s wearing that damned spiked collar around his neck, this time the only thing apart from his hands and head exposed to the Faerghus cold. Speaking of, Sylvain’s face looks somewhat pale, the contrast made more extreme by the dark paint on his lips—scar shining despite or because of it—and around his eyes. His face itself may be full of make-up, too, now that Felix thinks about it, since the little stubble from the other picture appears to be missing. Maybe Doro made him shave in-between taking them, too. Who knows?

She did an expert job on his eyes, at any rate, accentuating their color by not using just a simple shade of black, but working in earthen tones as well. The dark colors surrounding them make them appear larger than they are, or maybe it’s the angle, or maybe it’s the way Sylvain fixes with them on the camera. His hair is messier than on the other picture but still straightened, just more styled. Its color complements the whole get-up in way that makes Felix think Sylvain should model on the side. He’s alluring. Mesmerizing. Enchanting. Enthralling.

The third swallow sees Felix put his phone away for the moment. He waddles into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him so Cat won’t be compelled to follow him. Closing his eyes, Felix conjures up an image of Sylvain that he has yet to see in this way—the whole front side of the tattoo exposed, chest muscular, his back too, but it’s obscured this time because he’s… he’s lying in bed, yes. Facing Felix, who’s standing on the other end of it. Or sitting. Leaning over the footboard. It doesn’t matter. Sylvain’s head is propped up by a pillow resting against the headboard. His right arm is… lying across his tummy? No. No, he mustn’t obscure the six-pack, so his arm supports his head along with the pillow, maybe even pulls at his hair. His lips are pursed in a smile, his eyes closed in enjoyment at what he’s doing with his other hand.

Mhm.

Yes.

The great thing about fantasies is that they’re just like porn, and Felix gets to rewind again and again and again to watch Sylvain make a mess of himself, spill all over himself, come undone. There’s no voice to supply him with, but Felix’s own groans would have drowned them out anyway. He comes faster and harder than he would’ve liked to, and, still trembling with the aftershock, cleans himself up as swift as possible.

Felix should go back, not ignore Sylvain any longer. Not after this present.

He’s not surprised to find Sylvain texted in the meantime.

**Sylvain:** Oh u saw them

**Sylvain:** Someone save me *praying emoji*

**Felix:** You want a compliment today too?

**Sylvain:** Im always ready for compliments

_You made me jizz all over my hand_ , Felix wants to tell him. He texts something else while Cat finds him—must have gotten up in the meantime to look for him in case he’s doing other stupid things than the one he did participate in—and rolls herself up into a tiny package.

**Felix:** I didn’t know your hair is this long

**Sylvain:** Dude

**Sylvain:** By now i heavily suspect u dont know theres a difference between “compliment” and “observation”

**Felix:** I noticed that it looks longer than on your other pictures

**Felix:** Which means I take the time to look at them and memorize details

**Sylvain:** Thanks? I guess haha

**Sylvain:** Anyway yea my hair curls at the tips so it usually doesnt look as terribly in need of a cut

**Sylvain:** Doro insisted i needed it straightened for whichever reason

**Sylvain:** Its generally advised to just let her do her thing and not complain :)

**Felix:** Ok

**Felix:** I know I asked for the goth thing and it suits you in its own way but I prefer the first image

**Felix:** It’s not as overdone or… I don’t know

**Sylvain:** Artificial?

**Felix:** The lack of make-up makes it look more natural

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Haha same thought different phrasing

Felix smiles. Cat stretches next to him, her head resting on his leg. He scratches the top of her head, making her purr.

**Felix:** It’s also grittier? If you know what I mean

**Sylvain:** No?

**Felix:** It looks uh

**Felix:** Manlier? No offense

**Sylvain:** It’s the stubble

**Felix:** Did you shave between shots?

**Sylvain:** Doro made me

**Sylvain:** Then she put all this stuff on my face

**Sylvain:** She chastised me all the time bc i wouldnt keep still?

**Sylvain:** I was still!

**Sylvain:** I was like a stone

**Felix:** I don’t believe you

**Sylvain:** HEY

**Sylvain:** I did not move a single millimeter

**Sylvain:** I swear

**Sylvain:** And doro kept yelling right in my face that everything would smudge and then id be ugly bc she hallucinated i was moving???

**Sylvain:** Why would i want to be ugly????? This doesnt even make sense

**Felix:** I think you misunderstood her on purpose

**Sylvain:** I told u

**Sylvain:** I did not move at all

**Sylvain:** Wait r u saying im ugly?

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** I thought we were over this

**Sylvain:** Over what?

**Felix:** Over me telling you you’re hot because I like men

**Sylvain:** I dont remember u saying u think im hot

Fuck.

**Sylvain:** But thank u

**Sylvain:** I will print out this message and hang it on my wall

**Felix:** Fuck you

**Sylvain:** Fuck me yourself coward

**Sylvain:** Uh… This came out wrong

**Felix:** I want to send you that Ben Affleck meme where he’s smoking from his balcony or whatever

**Sylvain:** I get it i get it

**Sylvain:** Ur done with my straight antics

**Felix:** I am

**Sylvain:** Doro is too :(

**Felix:** See? I don’t even know her but since we’re both fed up it must be true

**Sylvain:** Thats some warped logic

**Felix:** Then stay in denial if it makes you happy

Once again, Felix is ready to hurl his phone through his condo. The way Sylvain can make him go from horny to joyless in a manner of minutes should be alarming. But it’s another one of those things that Felix can’t bring himself to care about beyond the amount he already does: He’s in neck-deep, and when he fails to keep his head up, he chokes and drowns.

**Sylvain:** Lets talk abt something else

**Felix:** Fine

**Sylvain:** For example u owe me a picture now

**Felix:** Do I?

**Sylvain:** U said so

**Sylvain:** “Eye for an eye”

**Sylvain:** Thats how were doing things i thought :(

**Sylvain:** And u used up all ur extras from the snowboarding pictures

**Felix:** You’re keeping count?

As if Felix doesn’t.

**Sylvain:** I might

**Felix:** Fine

Since Sylvain seems to like the pictures Felix takes from an angle slightly above his head, that’s what he does. Cat is visible, too, and Felix hits ‘send’ before he ends up scrutinizing his own face too closely and finding faults.

**Felix:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** AwwwwWWW CAT!!

**Sylvain:** Also ur smiling!!! I love it

Felix’s heart swells and his smile broadens.

**Sylvain:** Thank u

**Felix:** You too

**Sylvain:** Made ur day huh? :)

In several ways.

**Felix:** You could say that

**Sylvain:** But real talk here

**Sylvain:** Ur hair and eyes both have real unique shades?

**Felix:** Uh, no?

**Sylvain:** Yes?

**Felix:** No?

**Sylvain:** Yes? Totally

**Felix:** Do you walk through the world blind?

**Sylvain:** No

**Sylvain:** Yes

**Sylvain:** I think so actually

**Sylvain:** Everyone i pass is just a blur

**Sylvain:** I only tend to remember the faces of people who are either important to me personally or for my work lol

**Sylvain:** But i swear ive never seen this exact shade of

**Sylvain:** Blackish blue

**Sylvain:** In combination with

**Sylvain:** What would u call ur eye color?

**Felix:** Brown

**Sylvain:** Thats not poetic at all

**Felix:** Neither is “blackish blue”

**Sylvain:** Touche

**Sylvain:** Lets call it “depths of the ocean”

**Felix:** Hell no

**Felix:** The second you start describing my appearance like a writer of these terrible romance novels that are not worth a single penny of their price tag

**Felix:** I will stop talking to you

**Sylvain:** For a week?

**Felix:** For eternity

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Then i guess i

**Sylvain:** Will never describe your beauty again

‘Beauty’? Felix’s whole face heats up. The way his heart races can’t be healthy. He leans forward to sip at his beer, Cat making an unhappy noise at his movements but staying where she is.

**Felix:** Not like this please

This is what Felix types out, finger hovering over the ‘send’ button. Cat squirms in his lap and knocks against his hand, making the decision for him. The text is sent. Felix squeezes his eyes shut and yet he keeps peeking to watch Sylvain’s reply.

**Sylvain:** Aight

**Sylvain:** Noted

It’s not so bad. Felix relaxes against the backrest of his sofa, Cat giving him an annoyed look. “Just go if I’m moving too much,” Felix huffs at her. Cat curls up and closes her eyes. Suit herself.

**Sylvain:** So why did u grow out ur hair?

**Felix:** I like it long

**Sylvain:** Have u always worn it long?

**Felix:** Yes

Except for the time after the _incident_.

**Felix:** Why are you asking? Your hair is not exactly what I’d call short

**Sylvain:** Its really long rn

**Sylvain:** I need a cut

**Felix:** I like the way it looks

**Sylvain:** I wont let them cut off too much, dont worry ;)

According to Sylvain’s instagram, it never really was short, at least not in the past seven years since he started on the platform. Back in the day, he wore his hair different, though, bangs combed across his forehead, the hair longer in the neck. It looked… boyish, if Felix had to describe it. Sylvain looks more mature now, although it would be a lie to say Sylvain ever looked anything but handsome.

Yes, Felix got it bad.

**Felix:** Did you ever have it short?

**Sylvain:** Not really? Not short-short

**Sylvain:** But i had a laceration on my head once and they had to shave off my hair there to stitch the wound

**Felix:** Ouch

**Sylvain:** Yea lol

**Sylvain:** It happened forever ago

**Sylvain:** I still have a scar but ud have to know where to part my hair to see it

**Felix:** How did that happen?

**Sylvain:** Stupid accident

**Sylvain:** I was out exploring

**Sylvain:** I love faerghus ruins! So much history right in front of ur doorstep

**Felix:** I used to go exploring too when I was younger

**Sylvain:** Adventuring is just great

**Sylvain:** Anyway i was exploring and i lost my balance when i looked down a well

**Sylvain:** Hit my head pretty bad

**Felix:** Oh

**Sylvain:** I wasnt alone tho!! I got help

**Felix:** That’s good

**Felix:** Also logical

**Felix:** If you rotted in that well then we wouldn’t be texting

**Sylvain:** It wasnt that deep

**Sylvain:** I was dizzy but i actually climbed out by myself

**Felix:** As a kid?

**Sylvain:** Ive always been lanky

Felix snorts.

**Felix:** I would give you a lot of attributes, but lanky isn’t one of them

**Sylvain:** Humor me

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Cmon! U cant say that and then back out

**Felix:** You’re just fishing for compliments again

**Felix:** Your favorite pastime

**Sylvain:** Pretty please felix

**Sylvain:** Only one compliment

**Sylvain:** A single one

**Sylvain:** Not an objective description but ur personal perception

**Sylvain:** Ur honest opinion

Felix sighs. He knows Sylvain is not going to let up until he’s had his way, so it’d be better to get over this quick.

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** YES

**Felix:** You’re not unpleasant to look at

**Sylvain:** Duh

**Sylvain:** U admitted u think im hot

**Felix:** I guess

**Sylvain:** What abt ur crush tho? Is he attractive?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** More attractive than me?

“You _are_ him,” Felix says out loud, causing Cat to fold back her ears and stretch. One of her paws pushes against Felix’s leg, a tiny claw embedding itself in his skin.

**Felix:** He’s hot

Which… he just said to Sylvain, too. Saints, Felix isn’t managing this well at all. If he backs out now, however, it’ll look suspicious.

Every option he has will look suspicious.

**Sylvain:** Yea? What do u find hot abt him?

**Felix:** He’s just easy to look at

**Felix:** Nice eyes. Nice smile. Nice hair. Nice build

**Sylvain:** Beefy?

**Felix:** Athletic

**Sylvain:** U like muscles?

**Felix:** Who doesn’t?

**Sylvain:** And his personality? Does that matter to u?

**Felix:** It’s very important

**Felix:** He’s nice

**Sylvain:** I wouldnt have guessed

**Sylvain:** Everything abt him is “nice”

**Felix:** He’s kind. Understanding. He listens to me. He makes me laugh

**Sylvain:** Okay

**Sylvain:** So ud think these are important qualities?

**Felix:** What is this, a cross-examination?

**Sylvain:** I just want to find out what matters

**Sylvain:** In relationships

**Sylvain:** Bc im so bad at them

**Felix:** So am I

**Sylvain:** Have u idk tried asking him out?

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Why not?

**Felix:** I’m not sure he likes me back

**Sylvain:** I have some great pick-up lines if u need some

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** I feel uncomfortable talking about this

**Sylvain:** Me too? Somehow

**Sylvain:** Sorry

**Sylvain:** I didnt want to upset u

**Sylvain:** I thought i was curious

**Felix:** But?

**Sylvain:** Idk im still curious but

**Sylvain:** I feel bad

**Sylvain:** Like i crossed some line just now

**Felix:** You didn’t

Running a hand through his hair and messing it up in the process, Felix racks his brain for something else to talk about. He scrolls through the line of texts today, swallowing when he passes the two photos of Sylvain.

**Felix:** If you took a break to hang out with Doro

**Felix:** Are you back at work now?

**Sylvain:** Uh yeah

**Sylvain:** Just touching something up, then im done for the week

**Sylvain:** Dont worry i have plenty time for texting

**Felix:** If you say so

**Sylvain:** Perks of being ur own boss

**Sylvain:** I can slack off on company time

**Felix:** I’ve done that too

**Sylvain:** Whaaat

**Sylvain:** Here i think ur the perfect employee and all

**Sylvain:** And then u chill at work

**Felix:** I’ve done it maybe twice in all these years

**Sylvain:** Okay thats fair

**Sylvain:** Well the only downside to today is that i originally wanted to go swimming but i wont make it now

**Felix:** Did I hold you up?

**Sylvain:** No not really

**Sylvain:** I shouldntve met with doro

**Sylvain:** Like i said

**Sylvain:** Six hours lol i knew i wasnt gonna make it the moment i decided to hang out with her

**Felix:** You can still go swimming tomorrow

**Sylvain:** Well see if i find the time to

**Felix:** Did you go sledding last week? I forgot to ask

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** No ingrids and my schedules didnt align

**Sylvain:** She kicked my ass for the whole vday debacle

**Sylvain:** I couldve hung out with her instead of u know

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** Perhaps you’re lucky and the snow’s gonna hold

**Sylvain:** Well see

**Sylvain:** I heard the temperature is supposed to go up next week

**Sylvain:** And then its holiday weekend and i have to spend time with my parents

**Felix:** The whole weekend?

**Sylvain:** I hope not

**Sylvain:** We havent really talked abt it yet but any minute their invitations gonna arrive on my phone

**Felix:** Is it both ways?

**Sylvain:** What is?

**Felix:** That you don’t really want to see each other

**Sylvain:** Yep

**Sylvain:** Im their second biggest disappointment

**Sylvain:** Im not looking forward to them nagging at me and criticizing every single life choice i ever took and berating me for my miserable excuse of an existence

**Felix:** Yes, you said so earlier this week

**Sylvain:** Sorry man

**Felix:** Can you at least bring Lex?

**Sylvain:** Yes

**Sylvain:** And i will

**Sylvain:** Perfect excuse bc i may have to go on walks

**Sylvain:** Or else hes gonna poop all over their precious garden

**Sylvain:** Maybe even dig out some early flowers

Cat meows when Felix disturbs her sleep this time by chuckling. She stands up and stretches, arching her back, digging her little claws everywhere into Felix’s belly and thighs. “You can go if you don’t like it,” he mutters, and Cat does indeed jump off him this time to find someplace more comfortable to sleep.

**Felix:** Has this happened before?

**Sylvain:** When he was a pup

**Sylvain:** My parents r never gonna let me live it down but see if i care

**Sylvain:** I mean it works to my advantage

**Felix:** What happened?

**Sylvain:** I had lex only for a few weeks

**Sylvain:** He was abt 12 weeks old? Saint cethleann day, 3 and a half years ago

**Sylvain:** Went to visit my parents with him

**Sylvain:** They dont have pets but they dont have anything against them either

**Sylvain:** Well they didnt until that day

**Sylvain:** Lex pooped 4 times

**Felix:** That’s a lot for a puppy

**Sylvain:** Precisely in the middle of 2 flowerbeds which he mostly dug out and ate

**Sylvain:** And into the shed. No one knows to this day how he entered

**Sylvain:** Then he came back inside to leave muddy paw prints everywhere

**Felix:** Nice

**Sylvain:** Then he pooped on their good rug inside

**Sylvain:** Im laughing this *is* nice

Felix grins, not quite allowing himself to laugh along.

**Felix:** What did your parents say?

**Sylvain:** Wait i forgot something

**Sylvain:** Lex pissed against the vacuum

**Sylvain:** And then he threw up the flowers

**Felix:** That is funny

**Sylvain:** When its not ur own home

**Sylvain:** My parents did not find it as funny

**Sylvain:** Dont worry im laughing at the memory

**Felix:** I wish I would have been there

Because now Felix is laughing in earnest.

**Sylvain:** :OOOO

**Sylvain:** THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU WISH WE HUNG OUT

**Felix:** Well I’m laughing too?

**Sylvain:** Also ur a little disgusting (i approve)

**Sylvain:** Awwwwww!

**Sylvain:** Take a pic fast!!!

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Then i gotta make u laugh whenever we meet

**Felix:** Good luck

**Sylvain:** Im a clown i know i can do it

**Felix:** How come your parents even allow Lex back?

**Sylvain:** Hes not a poop machine anymore

**Sylvain:** And ingrid showed me how to fix the worst of it

**Sylvain:** Now he behaves

**Sylvain:** But my parents dont need to know all the details ;)

**Sylvain:** And honestly? I dont know if i would go without him as my emotional support

**Felix:** Emotional support poop machine

**Sylvain:** FELIX

**Felix:** Yes?

**Sylvain:** I havent laughed this hard in years

**Felix:** Same

Not just that, but Felix is very aware who re-introduced him to laughing at all.

**Sylvain:** Thanks for the great time

**Felix:** Don’t get all sappy on me again

**Sylvain:** I didnt get sappy at u today

**Felix:** Until now

**Sylvain:** Dont ruin it :(

**Felix:** You’re the one ruining it

**Sylvain:** Am i?

**Sylvain:** I didnt even say anything yet

**Felix:** I already know you’ll say you want to hug me

**Sylvain:** And i do

**Sylvain:** Cmon its not real when its just text

**Sylvain:** And u said it would be

**Sylvain:** Finer now than before

**Felix:** Pinky promise me one thing

**Sylvain:** What?

**Felix:** Whenever we meet, you’re going to ask before you try to hug me

**Sylvain:** Absolutely! Pinky promise!!!

**Felix:** Pinky promise

Felix yawns. Again. His eyes have been falling closed for the past twenty minutes, and he still needs to get ready for bed.

**Felix:** I’m going to bed now

**Sylvain:** Awww all right :(

**Sylvain:** It was fun talking to u! As always

**Felix:** Thank you for the photos

**Sylvain:** I have to thank *u*

**Sylvain:** Sleep well!

**Felix:** You too

**Sylvain:** Good night hug?

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** *Hugs u good night*

**Felix:** Thank you

Smile still on his face, Felix leaves for the bathroom to clean up. Cat is already lying in bed when he slides into the covers next to her. After turning towards her, Felix pulls her close. He won’t admit it out loud, but he _is_ in the mood for hugging.


	19. Day 38

All things considered, Felix slept well. He only woke up once during the night, and although he had problems going back to sleep afterwards, his exhaustion eventually knocked him out again. No stupid, nonsensical dreams plagued him (like the recent one in which he robbed a bank with Glenn, or the one invaded by Annette and her whole repertoire of songs, with everyone donning mice ears and tails), and even the nightmares stayed away.

He’d have counted it as a decent night, if it weren’t for his ringtone yanking him back into the world of the wakened. Stupid Dimitri always feels the need to call Felix for his birthday, and while his intentions are good, even respectable—especially now that Felix reconnected with him—the execution is a disaster. Not even on his special day does Felix get to sleep in.

He grabs for his phone, slides it unlocked, and grunts, “I told you not to call me.”

“I know, I know,” comes a voice from the other side, higher than the one expected. Wait. “I thought the occasion—”

“Who is this?” Felix asks, even as his heart starts racing involuntarily. He holds his phone away from his ear to check caller ID, already certain what he’ll see. Yes. ‘Sylvain’.

“Sylvain,” it echoes from his phone, muted by the distance between the speaker and Felix’s ear. He holds his phone back towards it, to finally have an idea of how Sylvain sounds. “Please don’t hang up on me.” Whiny.

“I’m still here.”

Sylvain sighs with relief. “I thought it’d be fine today since it’s your birthday.”

“You woke me up.”

“Shit. Sorry. This is going all wrong.”

“Just say your piece.”

“And you’ll hang up on me? No way.” Felix can imagine a grin forming on Sylvain’s face. “Why did you even pick up if you don’t want to talk?”

Felix turns around onto his side to pet Cat with his free hand, making her purr. He closes his eyes to picture Sylvain sitting somewhere, on a chair, yes, phone held to his ear. “I thought you were my boss. He calls every year.”

“And now I’m gonna make you miss his call.”

“Poor me.”

Sylvain snickers, and Felix can’t keep from joining in. “Doesn’t appear you’re mad!”

“You sound different from what I imagined you to.”

“Disappointed?”

“No.”

“Me neither! It suits you. Kinda rough around the edges.”

“I thought your voice would be deeper.”

“I can speak in a lower register.” Sylvain clears his throat as if getting ready for that.

“Don’t force it. I have to get used to this first.”

“All right!”

Holding the phone to his ear is tedious (and Felix may be sweating against it), so he puts it on speaker, places it between him and Cat, and closes his eyes again. “It’s ballsy of you to call.”

Sylvain laughs. Felix squeezes his eyes shut even tighter at the sound. It’s fucking beautiful. But of course it is. It has to be.

Felix is past his crush, he realizes. He’s infatuated.

“So, got any plans for your special day?” Sylvain asks, pulling Felix from his thoughts.

“I wanted to sleep in.”

“Oops.”

“Yes, ‘oops’.”

“Sorry. I figured you were already up since I got home late, and I’m wide awake.”

Rolling over onto his other side, Felix flings his covers away. “What time is it anyway?”

“Uh, it was eleven when I called.”

“Fuck.” Felix rubs his eyes and sits up.

“You’re awfully noisy.” Sylvain chuckles.

“What do you mean?”

“You just groaned at me!” In Felix’s mind, Sylvain is grinning, one eyebrow raised to complement the teasing tone. “What are you doing?”

“Getting up, you fucking debauchee!”

Sylvain’s laughter bubbles up again. It’s alluring and appealing, just like everything about him. “I love that word!”

Felix rolls out of bed to throw on some fresh clothes. Cat eyes the phone suspiciously and meows before running off.

Sylvain gasps. “Was that Cat?”

“Yes. She ran away.”

“Do you have me on speaker?”

“Yes.” Felix’s head pops through an old t-shirt—he hasn’t added any to his collection since the first permanent scars on his arms failed to fade—and throws a sweater over it.

“Smart move. I should do that, too.”

“It’s just so I can do stuff besides talk.” Felix finishes getting dressed, then picks up his phone to carry it over to the kitchen. Cat is waiting by her bowl, taking turns between staring into it and staring Felix down for his incompetence in feeding her at regular intervals. How can’t he see that he brings famine before the relief? _Felix the Tormentor_ , he thinks and snorts.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Sylvain asks. Shit. Felix forgot. The man can be quiet if he wants to be (which is good—Felix doesn’t want to know how disappointed he’d be to find out Sylvain being Caspar 2.0).

“Sorry. Cat think the Authorities are neglecting Their duties.” Felix dumps food to convince her this is not the case, then refills her water. The coffee maker is making a ruckus in the background and drowns out Sylvain’s snicker. Something occurs to Felix: Sylvain acts like he thinks Felix is funny. His heart swells.

“—so noisy!”

“Coffee comes first.”

“I can’t compete, huh.”

“No.” Smiling, Felix sits down at his table and waits for the coffee maker to spit out hot bean water.

“I can’t believe I’m talking to you.” From the way Sylvain’s voice goes soft, it’s obvious he’s smiling, too.

“Don’t make this weird.”

“Don’t be so prickly all the time, Felix.” Saints. The way his name rolls off Sylvain’s tongue makes Felix shudder.

“It’s my personality.”

“You could thaw a teeny-tiny bit.” There comes a sound like something falling off a surface onto hard ground. “Ouch. Sorry!”

“What happened?” Felix sips at his coffee.

“So, I’m actually really nervous?” Sylvain’s voice gets higher a whole octave. It’s… cute? Yeah. So Felix makes him laugh, and he makes him nervous. That’s good, right? “I keep walking around to work off some of that anxiety and I ran into the edge of my desk.”

“And something fell off?”

“Yeah. Just picked them up. Doro’s books.”

“These bisexual BDSM—”

“Yeah.” Sylvain sounds uncertain. “I finished the first one and am halfway through the second.”

“And?”

“This is some crazy shit.”

“You said so from the start.”

“I wasn’t wrong.” Sylvain chuckles. Felix smiles at the sound. “So. I was glad when finally something happened! I swear the first novel needed about 300 pages to pick up.”

“I’d have given up.”

“Still forced your way through Lord of the Rings.”

“I still need to read the other two books.”

“Novels.”

“Novels.” Felix finishes his coffee. He needs a smoke and he really needs to pee, holding the latter off for Sylvain’s sake. So, the smoke comes first.

“Anyway, Kushiel’s Dart,” Sylvain says the name with a French accent, “or however I’m supposed to pronounce it. So the main character is not only a courtesan, she’s basically been blessed with being a masochist.”

“Blessed with suck, huh?”

Sylvain chuckles again. “Yeah, not my thing either. People basically beat her up and she squirts all over the place.”

“Ew.”

“I over-exaggerated! But really, she gets off on pain. The sex scenes are, well, kinky? And most don’t really need to be there, so I guess it’s a guilty pleasure on the reader’s part, too, if you wanna go meta. Oh, and the scenes use a lot of euphemisms, but I think I told you the whole writing style is super convoluted. Some sentences just made me crack up.”

“Did you tell Doro?”

“Not like this.” Sylvain laughs. “I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She finds the novels super exciting. You don’t want to know how she kept talking my ear off about them. After she’d finished the first one, she would not shut up about it anymore. Me, well… I’d like to take a red pen to it and scratch some lines out. Make the book half as long and twice as enticing.”

Felix chuckles. “I see.”

“She also keeps nagging me about the ‘love as thou wilt’ thing.”

“What?”

“The religion there basically says this. You can love anyone regardless of gender, sex, how many people there are, and so on and so forth. It’s an extremely open-minded world.”

“What do you say to that concept?”

“Honestly? Best part of it.” Felix allows himself a smile at this. Perhaps this reading experience will teach Sylvain one little thing. “I have to say, though, that this also encompasses being in open relationships basically all the time, and despite what you think of me, if I pursued something seriously for once, I’d want only that one person, and I’d never forgive them for betraying me.”

“This is—” Unexpectedly noble? Yes. “I feel the same.”

“There’s also actual plot as in political intrigue, but I don’t know… I hoped for a better execution? But perhaps it’s just the flowery prose.” Sylvain chuckles. “It was a solid 3 of 5 stars read.”

“And make it 4 for Doro’s sake?” Standing up, Felix walks over to the living room.

“Prooobably.” Felix can just picture a cheeky grin lighting up Sylvain’s features. “Oh. There’s, like, this character relationship chart in the first book. Which lists about 30 or 40 characters? When I turned the page to the first chapter I’d already forgotten all of them.”

Felix grabs his pack of cigarettes and his lighter, phone held in the other hand. He steps onto his balcony and slides the door closed behind him. It’s fucking freezing, but at least it’s not snowing. “I hate it when books are so complicated they need character lists.”

“Good Omens did it, and it’s an excellent novel.” Sylvain chuckles again. “There’s a hellhound in there named ‘Dog’. Kinda reminds me of you, now that I think about it.”

Felix raises an eyebrow even though Sylvain can’t see it. “Oh?” The lighter needs four times to catch. Felix’s hands are shaking and he can’t tell whether it’s his nerves or the cold. The smoke filling his lungs steadies him somewhat, at any rate.

“Because of Cat.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Right. Uh… That clicking just now sounded suspiciously like a lighter.”

“I smoke.”

“A slave to tobacco… I didn’t know.” Sylvain sounds… distressed?

“Do you mind?”

“No. I just thought I’d know things like this by now.”

“Sorry. I wasn’t aware you were interested in these details.”

“But you didn’t tell me because you thought I’d get mad or—” Felix snorts, smoke fuming from his nostrils. It tingles and makes him cough. “You all right?”

“Yeah,” he wheezes. Great. Fucking fantastic. Felix clears his throat. “I remember who failed to tell me about his tattoo because he thought I’d be offended or whatever.” Sylvain pauses long enough for Felix to finish his smoke and stub his cig on the railing before letting it float down. Dimitri would have him by his balls if he saw.

“I guess I was just really afraid you’d stop talking to me,” Sylvain says when Felix moves back inside, voice quiet and subdued. In Felix’s imagination, Sylvain hangs his head at the statement.

“Not about something like this. But, Sylvain, I really need to piss. I’m going to hang up.”

“No!” The whine is back. “I don’t mind!”

“The hell are you going to listen to this.”

“Will you call me back right after?”

“I’ll just put you on mute if you really want to keep talking.”

“Please!”

Felix sighs. He hopes Sylvain can’t hear how Felix is actually looking forward to their continued conversation. “I’ll be back in two minutes.” He mutes his phone and, just to be save, leaves it in the living room. Felix usually does not bother with closing the bathroom door, but today he does to make extra sure no sound will reach his phone.

Pissing is a quick and dirty affair. When Felix washes his hands, his reflection’s cheeks and chin are already darkened with stubble. Another five minutes of absence won’t make a difference, so he slaps on shaving cream and makes his face as smooth as it will get.

This gives him the perfect opportunity to think about what is going on right now. He’s on the phone with Sylvain. Sylvain! This is exciting, exhilarating even. Felix is ecstatic, and he hasn’t felt this elated in years. Strike that, he hasn’t made any effort in these years, and the past month was him getting his shit together thanks to Sylvain’s well-placed kick in the ass.

No matter how anything with him is going to play out, Felix made two friends and reconnected with another two. He’s going out more—not much, but he’s never been the partying type—he’s getting fitter, he’s finally starting to live in the present and not in the past. Yes, no matter how anything with Sylvain is going to go, the man deserves a massive ‘thank you’.

Combing his hair and tying it up in a high ponytail, Felix exits the bathroom and unmutes his phone. “I’m back.”

“Dude, I was starting to get worried you were taking the shit of your life.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “I shaved.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with stubble growing in.”

“Good. I don’t like the way it makes me look.” Felix wanders back into the kitchen to make himself another coffee.

“Maybe I’d like it.”

“Not everyone looks good with stubble.”

“Mhmmm, is that a compliment I hear?” Felix swears he can hear Sylvain scratch his face. Fucking tease.

“Think what you will.” The coffee maker drowns out anything Sylvain might have replied while Felix digs through his fridge for something edible. He finds some yoghurt to slap onto cereal.

Once the coffee maker’s noise subsides, Sylvain speaks up. “You already had a coffee.”

“I need three. At minimum.”

“I’ll try to remember.”

“You can’t let it go, huh.” Felix prepares his food, and can hear something clank against something different from Sylvain’s end, as if he’s stirring something.

“Honestly?” Again, Sylvain’s register rises. “I, uh, I was thinking maybe you’d like to just hang next weekend?” His voice cracks. Sylvain clears his throat. “Before the whole Saint Indech Day family bullshit.”

Felix takes a deep breath to calm his spasming heart. He’s trembling all over, and it takes Felix a lot of willpower to hold his spoon steady. “Next weekend?” Shit. His voice is shaking.

“Yeah, I mean… I didn’t expect you to pick up? And even if you did, I thought you’d just hang up on me.” Sylvain laughs nervously, uncertainly. “ _Then_ I thought that this whole phone call is gonna bomb. Like, we’d both just either not talk at all or everything we say turns out to be very stilted? Like we’d find out we’re only good at texting and—” Sylvain sighs. “Sorry, Felix. I’m really anxious.” The tremor in his voice is unmistakable.

Felix sips at his second coffee and wishes he’d held off his smoke until now. He sits down at his table, balancing his cereal so as not to spill it all over the table’s surface. His coffee is sloshing precariously, even though the mug is not completely full anymore. “So what you’re trying to say is you’re having that zing moment?”

“Uh…” Sylvain shuffles around on his end of the line. “Yes? I guess?”

Felix smiles, tilting the spoon in his mouth upwards. “All right then.”

“All right to… meeting? Next weekend?”

“Yes.”

“I, uh… Wait. I need to sit down.”

“‘Kay.” Felix’s smile turns into a grin. He loves how he can make Sylvain nervous like this. His heart is doing somersaults, and he hopes Sylvain may feel similarly. Fingers crossed.

“I’m sitting. So. Which day would be best for you? Tuesday’s out because of my parents, and I already made plans with Ingrid for Saturday.”

“I don’t have the Monday off.”

“Not allowing yourself a long weekend?”

“What for?”

“Me?” Sylvain’s laugh is so nervous that Felix’s heart swells at the sound. “Joke. Sunday works for me.”

“Sounds good.”

“You won’t stand me up?”

“The way you’re sounding _you’re_ the one to send me a message one hour after the set meeting, saying you’re suffering from cramps.”

“Sorry.” Sylvain takes a deep breath, then slurps on something. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“It’s not if you don’t tell me where we’ll meet.”

“Oh, right! Uh, I thought I could come over to Fhirdiad? Not your place, I’ll have to bring Lex—”

“So at a café?”

“For instance. Have any you can recommend?

“There was a place I used to go with my boss. I don’t know if it’s still good, or if it’s out of business.”

“We can just text about it later.”

“Okay.”

“There’s something else I wanted to tell you and it’s super cheesy.”

“Smells like Gautier.”

Sylvain gasps, causing Felix to snicker. “Shut up!”

“Then tell me.”

“I’m likely to get emotional.”

“Do your worst.” Felix makes sure his cereal is finished and his coffee drained, lest he choke or splutter at whatever Sylvain’s about to say.

“The most important thing is, of course, that I wish you a happy birthday, Felix.”

“Thanks.”

“Naturally.” Sylvain’s voice is back to smiling, and he sounds much less distressed. “I can sing you a little piece if you want me to.”

“That _is_ cheesy. I hated it whenever my family did it.”

“I don’t have the best singing voice,” Sylvain says and still hums the melody of _Happy Birthday to You_ pitch perfect.

“Please don’t. It’s embarrassing.”

“Aw.” Sylvain laughs. “I also wanted to tell you that I am forever indebted to you for humoring me and just, I don’t know, existing. Being a cool guy. You’re funny and witty and I feel like we have a lot in common, and, well, I look forward to texting with you every single day. It’s sorta become a highlight.”

Felix swallows. He’s trembling again, his heart palpitating. “This—”

“Let me finish.” Sylvain steels himself with another deep breath. “I’m eternally grateful for your friendship. Really, the past month has easily been one of the happiest I’ve been in a long time, and it’s all thanks to you.”

This will take a minute. Felix makes himself another coffee to sip on, hoping Sylvain won’t use the time to compose more sappiness. He’s still waiting for a reply when the coffee maker shuts up, so Felix says, “Don’t expect me to say something like this for your birthday.”

“I won’t! I guess I just want to tell you that I thi—” Sylvain’s voice cracks. “Just thank you. For everything.”

“Sap.” And now how’s Felix supposed to thank _him_?

“That’s me all right.” Nervous laughter bubbles up Sylvain’s throat. Felix imagines him running a hand through his hair, messing it up even further, but it still falls to perfectly frame his face. “I also have a present for you.”

“What?” Felix’s grip on his mug tightens.

“It’s nothing special. Just a small surprise to brighten your day a tiny bit.”

“It’s already blinding.”

Sylvain chuckles. “Not from the little phone call.”

“From the things you said and from whatever will happen in eight days.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I didn’t use to have things to look forward to. Now I do.”

“Is it—” Sylvain stops himself, only breathing for a few moments. “I’d… I still want to hug you.”

Felix forces himself to drink. “I’m not opposed to the idea.”

“Really?” Sylvain sounds perplexed. “That was easy.”

“I thought about it and while at first the thought was distressing, I’ve come to believe you deserve it.”

“That is… very sweet of you, if you don’t mind me saying.”

“Mhm. I don’t like where this conversation is headed.”

“Don’t worry, I was about to hang up anyway!” Oh. “I’ll send you your present, and we can text this evening?”

“Sure.”

“Perfect! I’m already looking forward to it!” Sylvain _does_ sound excited.

Felix smiles. “I figured. Have a nice day, Sylvain.”

“You, too, Felix! Make sure it’s a wonderful birthday.”

Felix waits for Sylvain to hang up, listening to him wait in turn, his breaths still short with emotion. Eventually, there’s the beeping indicating an ended call. The screen goes black, then flares back to life when it buzzes. Felix quickly finishes his breakfast before opening Sylvain’s message.

It’s an audio file, clocking in at just under four minutes. So, no, it’s not just an audio file, Felix suspects, but a whole song. Oh fuck. Scrap Sylvain’s ‘cheesy’ words, this is topping it. Who the fuck writes people songs for their birthdays? There’s a very obvious answer to it, one that makes Felix’s heart race and second-guess everything. He should listen to it, and then ask someone about it. But who?

Sylvain’s out of the question. Dimitri may be too dense (or jealous?) to give a sound opinion. Caspar is… Caspar. He’d neither be a help unraveling this, nor will he be able to keep his mouth shut once the implications do set in. Which leaves Ashe. Who would likely enjoy having Felix spill it all to him. Still, he seems to be the best pick Felix gets, and he needs to ask, needs to be certain.

First things first, however. Felix is eager to find out what Sylvain composed for him, for his ears and his pleasure and no one else’s. His heart is fluttering at the thought alone. Slumping back in his seat, Felix hits play.

His phone’s speakers do not do what emerges from them the tiniest bit justice.

The song starts slow and quiet, a melancholic melody on the high keys of the piano tranquil at first, then evolving into something darker, deeper, full of apprehension. It’s the harmony, Felix will realize the second time he listens to it, polarizing each other, dissonant and yet working beautifully.

When the song introduces a second voice—a bass guitar, from the sounds of it—the hairs on the back of Felix’s neck stand up. It’s deep and counterpoints the piano melody downwards, descending ever lower until it buzzes out of existence again. The piano fades, too, and there’s a moment of silence before percussion, played with such precise strikes that it sounds soft like a spring rain between bouts of sunshine, takes Felix by the hand to lead him into the second part of the song. An acoustic guitar joins, playing a plucked melody over the harmonies the piano provides in divided notes. The song is full with an aching, a yearning, a sorrow so profound that Felix feels the pain from it as if _he_ were the one in this song.

_Perhaps you are_ , he thinks.

Does Sylvain already understand him well enough to compose a song about how he feels? Or, worse, does Sylvain understand him well enough to know how to make him feel?

Because this is true, too, Felix admits as the song evolves once again, a grittier, rougher sound replacing the soft notes, the acoustic guitar making way for one so distorted that at first sight—or listening—it’s hard to tell exactly what it plays. The harmonies overlap into a cacophony that does not sound at all displeasing due to the general slowness and quietness of the song remaining, lingering, waiting the distortion out. And then it’s back to how the song started, slow, high keys on the piano.

No, not quite. Now it sounds happier, the harmonies modulating from minor to major key if Felix can trust his untrained judgment. The conclusion is beautiful, piano, acoustic guitar, bass soft as if played with fingers instead of the hard edge of a pick, percussion, they all build up to a finale that unravels each voice on its own until only the piano remains. The last notes climb higher and are spaced farther and farther apart, their volume decreases, and the song ends on a single reverberating note completing its harmony.

Felix touches his eyes. His fingers come away wet.

He can’t tell anymore if this is Sylvain’s interpretation of anything concerning Felix’s life, if it’s supposed to be past and future, or if there’s no real meaning and Sylvain just composed it on the spot. No doubt this is why he was lounging in his studio late last night. It was worth every second of it.

Felix would love to hold the song close, but that doesn’t work. Instead, he listens to it again, first with his phone, then with the better speakers in his living room. Cat joins him, pupils round and ears perked, tail held high and a soft purr rumbling through her. Felix pets her, then scoops her up into his arms to cuddle her instead of the music. Or Sylvain. He’s the one deserving this, but Cat is allowed to bask in Felix’s good mood for once, too. She’s earned it just as much as Sylvain.

The two stay like this for a while, just listening, and enjoying both the music and each other’s company.

* * *

Having spent the better part of the last hour listening to the song, Felix eventually shuts off his speakers. His phone battery is not as fond of Felix’s newfound pastimes, but it’s still fresh and will hold out. A message from Sylvain is waiting on Felix’s lock screen.

**Sylvain:** Dont forget to tell me what u think :)

While Felix does under no circumstances want to ignore him, Sylvain made it sound as if he’s made plans and can’t reply as fast as usually anyway, so Felix navigates through his pitiful short list of saved contacts that are not his lawyer nor dentist nor motor mechanic, to message Ashe.

**Felix:** Hey. I have a question and I’d like to have a reply to it by this evening. If you can’t make time, it’s fine. I’ll come up with a solution myself

He hits ‘send’ and immediately regrets it. Dimitri would have been the better choice, the revelation a sudden insight Felix did not ask for. Dimitri does not need an introduction to what’s going on, and he won’t ask any weird questions.

Felix’s phone buzzes. Here goes nothing.

**Ashe Ubert:** Hi! Is this about work?

**Felix:** No

**Ashe Ubert:** Personal?

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** You remember the movie night?

**Ashe Ubert:** Not well? Only the parts I want to remember?

Felix can perfectly picture Ashe’s sheepish face, a faint blush coloring his cheeks.

**Felix:** My crush I did not want to talk about?

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh

**Ashe Ubert:** Yes I remember

**Felix:** Let’s talk about him now

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh?

**Ashe Ubert:** What happened to make you change your mind?

**Ashe Ubert:** If you don’t mind me asking

**Felix:** I need advice

**Felix:** Or an opinion

**Ashe Ubert:** And you really think I’m the right person to ask?

**Felix:** Yes

**Ashe Ubert:** I’m not so sure but all right!!

**Ashe Ubert:** Am I allowed to ask questions too?

**Felix:** Go ahead

**Ashe Ubert:** Well, pix???

That was… fast. Sighing, Felix navigates to his Sylvain stash on his phone and selects the one he already showed Dimitri, the one with Sylvain squatting next to Lex.

**Felix:** <sent picture>

Ashe takes about two minutes to reply.

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh a dog! Cute!!

**Ashe Ubert:** Anyway your crush: He’s handsome

**Ashe Ubert:** I can see why you would find him attractive

**Felix:** He’s just so… nice? Generous. Makes me compliments

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh right! Did you show him a pic of you too?

**Felix:** Yes

**Ashe Ubert:** Aaaand?

**Felix:** He said I’m “pretty for a man”

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh right you said he is straight

**Felix:** He said he likes my lashes. And he mentioned my “beauty”

**Ashe Ubert:** Okay?

**Ashe Ubert:** He does not sound as straight as I thought

**Felix:** Exactly

**Felix:** But I’m not sure what that means

**Felix:** If he thinks I won’t get the wrong idea because of his heterosexual reassurances

**Ashe Ubert:** Or if he’s not straight?

**Felix:** Yes

**Ashe Ubert:** Have you just tried asking?

**Felix:** He’s still convinced he’s straight

**Felix:** But I’m not?

**Felix:** I don’t want to get my hopes up though

Again. And get them crushed in the worst way possible, again, without Sylvain even realizing he’s causing pain. Again.

**Ashe Ubert:** Yes I see

**Felix:** Well

**Felix:** The reason I’m talking to you is mainly about what happened today

**Ashe Ubert:** What happened?

**Felix:** He wrote a song for me as a birthday present

**Ashe Ubert:** Wait wait wait

**Ashe Ubert:** It’s your birthday???

**Felix:** Yes

**Ashe Ubert:** Why didn’t you say anything!

**Ashe Ubert:** Happy birthday Felix!!

Felix smiles.

**Felix:** Thank you

**Felix:** Now to the question

**Ashe Ubert:** How old are you now?

**Felix:** 29

**Felix:** Is it straight if your friend writes you a song?

**Ashe Ubert:** On what are the lyrics?

**Felix:** It’s instrumental

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh

**Ashe Ubert:** I don’t know

**Felix:** It sounds slow and soft

This lousy description does not do it justice, but Felix can’t go into a detailed review without looking like he’s insane.

**Ashe Ubert:** It’s probably too personal to share the song so I can get a better idea?

**Felix:** I don’t want to

**Ashe Ubert:** Okay

**Ashe Ubert:** So do you like it?

**Felix:** Yes

**Ashe Ubert:** Then tell him!!!

**Ashe Ubert:** And don’t just say you like it

**Ashe Ubert:** Make it stronger

**Ashe Ubert:** Show him you appreciate his gift!!!

**Felix:** To win him over

**Ashe Ubert:** Trying won’t hurt!

**Ashe Ubert:** Don’t forget to tell me how it went ^__^

**Felix:** I’d hoped you weren’t much of a gossiper

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh

**Ashe Ubert:** I won’t tell anyone

**Ashe Ubert:** I also didn’t tell anyone you have a crush

**Ashe Ubert:** Who else knows btw?

**Felix:** Dimitri

**Felix:** But he’s weird about it

**Ashe Ubert:** Because you’re gay?

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** He says he’s concerned for my well-being because Sylvain might turn out to only pretend to be nice but be an asshole in reality

**Ashe Ubert:** Well he’s not wrong

**Ashe Ubert:** Internet friends are still strangers

**Felix:** Sylvain called me today

**Ashe Ubert:** For your birthday?

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** He was so nervous

**Felix:** I don’t think he was acting

**Felix:** And I don’t get what he’d want from me anyway

**Felix:** Apart from my bank balance there’s nothing attractive about me he could want

**Ashe Ubert:** No Felix!

**Ashe Ubert:** At first I thought you were cold-hearted and only thought about advancing your own career

**Ashe Ubert:** But you actually care a lot! You’re congenial and understanding and you know how to get what you want (well apart from Sylvain ^^). I feel like I can learn so much from you!

**Ashe Ubert:** We don’t talk that much because you’re leaning towards the quiet side and so do I to be honest

**Ashe Ubert:** I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re a great friend

**Ashe Ubert:** And Sylvain sees that in you too

**Ashe Ubert:** At the very least

**Felix:** Thank you

**Felix:** Really

**Ashe Ubert:** Don’t mention it!

**Ashe Ubert:** And you’re old enough to be able to judge Sylvain on your own! If he’s sincere or not

**Felix:** Yes, you’re right

**Ashe Ubert:** I hope I could help you a little!

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** I’ll tell him how I feel about his song

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh right I forgot to ask!

**Ashe Ubert:** Is he a musician?

**Felix:** Yes. He has a studio and records and mixes for a living. He also gives lessons for beginners

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh, I love creative people!

**Ashe Ubert:** Have you shown him Annette’s channel?

**Felix:** Yes. Sylvain says she’s good

**Felix:** But I’m not going to involve him further. I don’t want to associate him with my job

**Ashe Ubert:** Understandable

**Felix:** Anyway thank you for your advice

**Ashe Ubert:** Anytime!!!

Felix exits the chat, tapping onto Sylvain’s name. His message is still waiting for him:

**Sylvain:** Dont forget to tell me what u think :)

Closing his eyes, Felix allows himself a moment to compose his next messages in his head. He wants this to be perfect, albeit certainly not by sounding too eager. His fingers are trembling over the onscreen keyboard.

**Felix:** I love it

**Felix:** I’m sorry I don’t possess the adequate vocabulary to describe my feelings in more detail

**Felix:** It’s just really, really beautiful

**Felix:** Thank you. It’s a wonderful gift

Felix’s bottom lip is quivering, his heart thumping against his ribcage. He’s glad that Sylvain isn’t on his phone for once, so Felix gets to relax and enjoy his day off.

* * *

Until his phone buzzes again.

Felix scrambles up from his sofa, dropping his novel on the floor, just to get at his phone as fast as possible. His heart is going to choke him, the way it jumps up into his throat. The phone buzzes again, causing Felix to curse. He doesn’t want to miss Sylvain.

It’s Dimitri’s obligatory call.

Felix deflates. He picks up with sobriety, cursing himself a fool. “Hey.”

“Hello, Felix,” Dimitri says. “I tried reaching you earlier but you rejected my call.”

“No?”

“Yes.”

“I, uh, was on the phone with someone else.” Felix walks back to his sofa and sits down.

“Oh?”

“Sylvain. He called.”

“Oh…” Dimitri sounds… not dejected, but definitely dispirited.

Felix sighs. “It was his idea. And stop being such a bitch about it.”

“Language, Felix.”

At least Dimitri is still in good humor. “It wasn’t all great. He woke me up.”

“I see. Well, I wanted to wish you a happy birthday.”

“Thanks.” Felix slouches sideways back into the lounging position he was lying in before.

“How have you been spending it so far?”

“Oh, uh, speaking with Sylvain. Listening to music. Reading a novel.”

“Ah! I forgot I wanted to recommend you something.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Felix stretches his arm to pick up the book from the floor. Finding the page he was on will be a splendid sport. “I’m a slow reader.”

“It still inspires me on what to do about your birthday present.”

“I wonder if it might be a book.” Felix puts Dimitri on speaker and places the phone on his tummy so he can leaf through the discarded novel and search the place where he was at.

“However did you guess!” Dimitri sounds baffled, but then he laughs.

Felix smiles. “Ate my smarties this morning.”

“Since when do you— Oh, it’s a joke!”

“Mhm.”

Dimitri laughs again. The man’s sense of humor is just short of sewer drainage levels. Then again, Felix would be lying if he said he didn’t chuckle along. Making others laugh is its own reward. “I’m happy you’re in such a good mood.”

“Yeah. Things are looking up for once.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“I—” Felix starts and then stops. It might not be his brightest move to say it out loud, make it somehow _real_ , especially in front of Dimitri. Then again, this might just be what they both need to realize. “I think maybe Sylvain likes me back.”

“You should just ask him.” Dimitri’s voice sounds flat, yet Felix can’t let go of the feeling he’s only imagining things. He thought Dimitri was jealous, but feelings have never been his strong front.

“This is not how dating someone works.”

“Is it not? Then how do you start dating?”

“You… ask for a date?” Felix’s voice cracks and he clears his throat. “You will be very interested to learn then that Sylvain and I made plans.”

Dimitri gasps. “He asked you out?”

“Not like this! But we’re going to meet.”

“When?”

“Next Sunday.”

“Tomorrow?!”

“No!” Felix sits up, the phone sliding off towards the sofa’s backrest. “In a week!”

“Are you sure this is an arrangement worth pursuing?”

“Yes!” Felix grabs his phone and settles it back on his tummy. “You don’t understand. He was so nervous when he asked me. I thought he was going to faint.” It’s not a conscious effort but Felix’s voice goes softer, quieter. “I’m still afraid he’ll cancel our plans last minute.”

“Is it the first time he asked you?”

“No, not exactly. But I kinda think that he was expecting me to say no all these other times, and today he wanted me to say yes.” Felix reaches into his hair and twirls a strand around a finger. “It felt different.”

“And you’re sure he’s not manipulating you?”

“Seiros, Dima! Look, just call me Sunday, next week, at I don’t know, nine? In the evening. If I don’t pick up, call the cops.”

“I could go with you. I’m told I’m intimidating.”

_Yes, by me._ “I don’t want anyone to spy on me.” Or to scare Sylvain away from him. Felix turns his hand to comb through his hair with his fingers. “I’ll leave Sylvain’s info on a note at my place before I go, so feel free to break in if I fail to pick up.”

“Please make sure to stay in public places with witnesses around at any given time.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “Yes. I will.”

“I’m just concerned.”

“I know. And I appreciate it. But you’re going a little too far.” Sighing, Felix lets go of his hair. “I _want_ to meet him.”

Dimitri sighs. “I can’t and won’t stop you.”

“Good.”

“Yes. Anyway. Please enjoy the rest of your day. It was great talking to you.”

“Thanks. See you on Monday.”

“At lunch?”

“I’ll be there.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” The smile is back in Dimitri’s voice. “See you then.”

“Bye.” Felix sits up to grab his phone and hang up before sinking with his back back into the sofa bedding. Dimitri’s calls have always been difficult, but for a wholly different reason. Felix doesn’t like the seed of doubt he tries to sow, and his reading isn’t quite as much fun as it was before the call. The smoke he allows himself helps.

* * *

Felix jolts awake. There’s drool on his face he wipes away, Cat is sitting on his left leg and effectively made it go numb by lack of circulation, Felix’s sweater has ridden up almost to his chest, the book is back on the floor, and so is his phone. It’s dark outside. Groggily, Felix wipes at his eyes before pulling down the sweater. He picks up Cat to move her somewhere else, then decides he can get behind the idea of waking up and having someone to cuddle. Cat snuggles up to him, rubbing her face against his, making him laugh at the touch of her whiskers. She purrs and lulls Felix back into another nap.

She’s gone when he wakes. This is payback for Sylvain robbing him of his sleep this morning. With a pang, Felix realizes he didn’t exercise today, he’s famished, and he has no idea if Sylvain texted him back.

The last one would be easy to check, and yet Felix doesn’t. If Sylvain had texted, then Felix would fail to cook and eat.

He pushes himself up into a sitting position, rubbing feeling back into his legs, then slouches into the kitchen. The LED lamp is too bright for his eyes now adjusted to darkness, and he has to shield them for what feels like a good five minutes before he can get to work. The glance to the microwave clock comes still automatic, even if the thing displays Mars time. It can’t really be 1:37 PM.

Felix wants something quick, so he boils water for pasta and raids his fridge to follow a recipe for pesto. “You gotta do the cooking by the book,” he sings under his breath, another song Annette planted in his head to grow into an abomination. He doesn’t even know where the song is from.

Cat gets her bowl refilled, and Felix forces himself to stay calm as he eats. He’s too apprehensive. It’s just a text. He and Sylvain text every day with each other, so it’s nothing special. Disregarding the context, like Felix’s last texts. Or the reason for them, which—Felix can’t help but hope—could be romantically motivated. Or his whole crush slash infatuation slash maybe-in-love problem, and the ways it makes him think about Sylvain. Depending on how the texting goes, Felix supposes he may very well end up in the mood for the spicy brand of these thoughts.

Every time he swallows, a new wave of dread mixed with sanguinity floods through him. His stomach roils and flutters, and still Felix forces everything he cooked down into it. Afterwards, he wants to waste more time by doing the dishes, so Felix does, rolling his sleeves up, fingers touching his scars, humming songs under his breath that sometimes are Annette’s and sometimes Sylvain’s, and sometimes something in-between.

Beer in hand, Felix treks back to the living room and places the bottle on the table. He picks up his by now battered-looking novel and sticks a pencil lying around in the pages, at a place Felix has certainly passed but can’t remember. Cat did a superb job of propelling his phone halfway across the floor and underneath the pillow she smacked down from her cat tree.

Felix is down to another smoke to calm the frayed edges of his nerves. He’s a fucking mess, he thinks, suckling on his cig, watching the bright city lights of Fhirdiad spread out before him twinkle in and out of existence.

When he’s back on his sofa and finally, finally checking his phone, Felix is greeted by more than Sylvain’s texts. Able to put them off even longer, Felix opens the movie night group chat.

**Caspar:** I have been granted the knowledge that someone very special has his birthday today!!!

**Linhardt:** Who?

**Caspar:** FELIX

**Caspar:** He turnrf 39

Felix’s whole face contorts. It’s already time for the beer.

**Ashe Ubert:** I think he told me 29

**Linhardt:** F

**Caspar:** I MEANT TO WRITE 29

**Caspar:** My fingers slipped

Caspar posted a hideous smiley leaking tears.

**Felix:** Thanks

**Linhardt:** No one congratulated you

**Caspar:** RUDE and happy birthday to my Man Felix

**Linhardt:** <sent picture>

It’s a photo of cat wearing a party hat, mouth opened in a meow. Or screech.

**Felix:** Thanks now

**Caspar:** What about our movie night Numero Deux

**Caspar:** (That’s spanish for number 2)

**Ashe Ubert:** Isn’t deux French

**Caspar:** ???

**Caspar:** WahtEVER

**Linhardt:** *What

**Felix:** Caspar said we’d hold it at my place

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh that’s a great idea

**Ashe Ubert:** Is this all right with you?

**Felix:** Yes

**Caspar:** Then we only need to decide on a movie!

**Linhardt:** And a date

**Caspar:** I want to watch something with a little more action now

**Felix:** Seconded

**Ashe Ubert:** Mad Max?

**Caspar:** Oh yes!

**Linhardt:** Veto

**Linhardt:** How about Finding Nemo?

**Caspar:** OH YES

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** Not in my home

**Ashe Ubert:** Oh maybe you’ll like Princess Mononoke?

**Felix:** I don’t know what that is

**Linhardt:** Google is your friend

**Ashe Ubert:** I thought it’s a little too gruesome for your taste Lin

**Caspar:** Don’t end up spoilering yourself!

**Linhardt:** I have memorized the exact frames I have to look away for

**Linhardt:** *Spoiling

**Ashe Ubert:** I have it on DVD so I can bring it along even if you decide we’ll watch something else?

**Felix:** Ok

**Caspar:** Now for the date!!

**Caspar:** Who else has no family to hang out with on saint indeck day?

**Linhardt:** *Indech

**Caspar:** WHAT how is it spelled with ch and not pronounced like in much

**Linhardt:** Saint Indetch

**Ashe Ubert:** I’m free

**Felix:** The day works for me if you don’t stay too late

**Felix:** I have a job

**Caspar:** It’ll only be one movie it’ll be fine!!!

**Ashe Ubert:** Granted Princess Mononoke is over 2 hours long

**Felix:** Also no alcohol for you

Caspar sends a crying smiley.

**Felix:** And I promised a friend to be available so if I may need to take a call. I’ll step outside

**Ashe Ubert:** We can just pause the movie if that happens!

**Caspar:** We could play cards

**Felix:** I don’t have playing cards

**Ashe Ubert:** I do! But I’d like the complete deck back

**Caspar:** I’m not a thief! I despise thievery

Oh. Ashe will not like reading this.

**Linhardt:** He meant you’re likely to lose a card

**Felix:** We’ll find it when we clean up

Felix exits the chat and mutes it for now. He does not possess the mental capacity for this. Let them argue.

Instead of going for Sylvain’s chat next, Felix would like to work out. He keeps telling himself there’s plenty of time for that tomorrow, that the snow is supposed to melt overnight and that he can finally deflower his virgin running shoes. (This came out wrong.) Yes, that’s what he’ll do, so he can make time for Sylvain now.

Steeling himself with a deep breath, Felix opens the chat. He is trembling all over from sheer anticipation alone, not having read yet a single word.

**Sylvain:** Holy

**Sylvain:** Holy fuck i did not expect u to be so wordy and above all sweet abt it

**Sylvain:** I spent abt a week on it (writing, recording, mixing)

**Sylvain:** Not in one go lol

**Sylvain:** In all closer to 3 weeks i guess

**Sylvain:** And it changed so much in these 3 weeks, the better i got to know u

**Sylvain:** Ngl i was afraid it was gonna blow

**Sylvain:** But soft felix never lies <3

Felix’s breath catches when he sees the heart. This is new.

**Felix:** Enjoy the moment

The reply comes in less than a minute.

**Sylvain:** I’m happy

**Felix:** Me too

**Sylvain:** Hug?

**Felix:** Ok

**Sylvain:** *Pulls u into his arms and holds u close*

**Felix:** Does this make you feel better?

**Sylvain:** Im already happy so cant complain but yea

**Sylvain:** Approved daydream

**Sylvain:** And u?

**Felix:** I’m not good at picturing this in my head

**Sylvain:** Only 8 more days, then ull know what its like ;)

**Felix:** True

Felix smiles. This feels like the good sort of fever dream, the one you don’t dare chase in case it turns out to be the hallucination you already suspect it of being.

**Sylvain:** So how did u spend ur special day?

**Felix:** Talked to some more people on the phone, then wanted to read and work out

**Felix:** I fell asleep while reading

**Felix:** It was already dark when I woke up again so I made dinner

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** What did u have?

**Felix:** Pasta with pesto

**Sylvain:** Mhm delicious

**Sylvain:** I made this guacamole

**Sylvain:** It wasnt hard actually! And tasted better than store-bought

**Felix:** My pesto too

**Sylvain:** Capitalism really ruined our sense for this huh

**Sylvain:** Like

**Sylvain:** Its not hard at all to make something urself? Is what im finding out atm

**Sylvain:** But u get fooled into thinking its easier or faster to just buy it

**Sylvain:** As long as u follow the recipe there isnt a lot that can go wrong

**Sylvain:** I think

**Felix:** Yes

**Felix:** I did that and my pesto turned out great

**Felix:** Maybe a little grainy

**Felix:** But I was hungry

**Sylvain:** No need to justify urself! U just gotta experiment around a little i think

**Sylvain:** Like my guacamole

**Sylvain:** It turned out a little… too hot… and i leaked tears when eating…

**Sylvain:** But! It was still better than store-bought

**Felix:** I’d try it

**Sylvain:** Right u like that hot and spicy stuff

**Felix:** You could say that

**Sylvain:** Ill make u some if u ever come visit!

**Felix:** Let’s meet next Sunday first and see how that works out

**Sylvain:** Yes!!! Sorry if i come across overeager

**Felix:** It’s fine

For now.

**Felix:** So how was your day?

**Sylvain:** Ah i was out walking lex with ingrid

**Sylvain:** For three hours

**Sylvain:** It started raining (!) in the middle of it. Like when we were farthest from my home

**Sylvain:** Like idk how it is for u but we got random warm air from almyra blown over

**Felix:** The snow is supposed to melt (or have melted) tomorrow

**Sylvain:** Yea i was wondering if it rained over in fhirdiad too

**Felix:** I don’t know. Probably slept through it and I’m too comfortable to check

Also Cat just jumped up onto Felix’s lap. He burrows a hand in her fur.

**Sylvain:** Oh all right

**Sylvain:** Well ing took a quick shower afterwards to heat up

**Sylvain:** I made us tea and then soaked in the tub when she was gone

**Sylvain:** That felt sooo good

**Felix:** You have a bathtub?

**Sylvain:** For days like today, yes

**Sylvain:** Makes all ur muscles relax

**Felix:** I only have a shower. With a sliding door

**Sylvain:** Not much space in the city?

**Felix:** My condo is all right. I mean I live alone, and it’d be big enough for two people too

**Felix:** I just thought I wouldn’t need a tub

**Sylvain:** Just say the word if u need a good soak

**Sylvain:** Did u say if u swim?

**Felix:** I don’t

**Sylvain:** Cant or dont wanna?

**Felix:** I know how to but I won’t go for unrelated reasons

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Not to pry but u didnt almost drown or whatever?

**Felix:** No, nothing like that

**Sylvain:** Okidoki

**Sylvain:** Would u go with me?

**Felix:** No. Sorry, it’s nothing personal

Because, hell, of course Felix would like to go with Sylvain, ogle him in all his almost-naked splendor, maybe get a good idea on scale when his wet swimming trunks stick to his crotch.

**Sylvain:** Sorry i dont want to make u feel uncomfortable

**Felix:** I’m good, don’t worry

**Sylvain:** Anyway u have no backyard, right?

**Felix:** I wouldn’t really spend time there anyway

**Sylvain:** Recluse much?

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** I guess I just lost my taste for it

**Sylvain:** Bc “something happened”?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Thats really haunting u huh

**Felix:** But I’m slowly regaining ground

**Felix:** I want to spend more time outside

**Sylvain:** Thats goo!

**Sylvain:** *Food

**Sylvain:** *GOOD dammit

Felix chuckles.

**Felix:** Your fingers too fat for the on-screen keyboard again?

**Sylvain:** U may have noticed im not a fan of autocorrect

**Sylvain:** But usually i hit the right keys

**Sylvain:** Im only in the habit of texting this much in a serious manner bc of u

**Sylvain:** And only with u

**Felix:** Same

**Sylvain:** Heh

**Felix:** I do text with others from time to time but it’s not as enjoyable

**Sylvain:** Ur in a good mood today huh

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Man and here i was worried my phone call this morning ruined ur day

**Felix:** It made it

**Sylvain:** Awww

**Sylvain:** Yanno i told ingrid abt it

**Sylvain:** She was shocked? Like. Astonished that id have the balls to pull thru and that ud actually pick up and stay on the line

**Felix:** Me too to be honest

**Sylvain:** Yea… I guess u noticed how nervous i eventually got

**Felix:** Yep

**Sylvain:** Thats when it settled in. Like *really* settled in that this is happening

**Sylvain:** So uh ill apologize in advance if i turn into a stuttering mess when we meet next week

**Felix:** I honestly didn’t peg you for the type to get nervous easily

**Sylvain:** I dont

**Sylvain:** Thats the weird part

**Sylvain:** I guess its just a side effect of us getting to know each other like this

Or it’s a side effect of Sylvain developing romantic feelings for once, and trying to leave a good impression while not scaring Felix away by being too bold in his advances. Advances he doesn’t even consciously make.

**Felix:** We’ll both be nervous then next week

**Felix:** What did Ingrid say to your proposal?

**Sylvain:** The proposed meeting i hope

**Felix:** Who did you propose to?

**Sylvain:** No one sorry

**Sylvain:** Im feeling weird

**Sylvain:** Good weird tho! Dont u go worry

**Felix:** Ok?

**Sylvain:** Anyway ing said to be careful and to take lex (which ill have to anyway) and to call her if anything happens

**Felix:** I told my boss and he

**Felix:** I don’t know what his problem is but I get the inkling he doesn’t want us to meet

**Sylvain:** Oh no :(

**Felix:** I’m not going to stand you up

**Felix:** He’s just weird about it

**Felix:** Bad weird

**Felix:** Like a tad too worried for my liking

**Sylvain:** I wouldnt dare try anything funny!

**Felix:** I trust you

**Sylvain:** Yes i trust u too!

**Felix:** So don’t make me regret it

**Sylvain:** I wont!!!

**Sylvain:** I may turn out to be a big disappointment but not bc i prove to be a creep

**Sylvain:** I thought wed just go have a coffee, walk around town if the weatherll be all right and idk watch lex poop all over the place while i try to leave a good impression

Felix chuckles. Time to make Sylvain laugh along.

**Felix:** Emotional support poop machine

**Sylvain:** FELIX

**Sylvain:** I hate how accurate this still is

**Felix:** I think its funny

**Sylvain:** Im laughing but

**Felix:** Speaking of accuracy, don’t smoke cannabis in my presence

**Felix:** I don’t want to see you high

**Sylvain:** NOOOO

**Sylvain:** I wont!!!!!!

**Sylvain:** Like maybe someday when we chillin at my place or whatever

**Sylvain:** And we share

**Sylvain:** But not like this lol

**Sylvain:** Ill bring my meds in case i freak out completely but apart from that ull have to deal with me in all my sober glory

**Felix:** Thank you

**Felix:** I do smoke to calm down but you know, cigs don’t make you high

**Sylvain:** They only stink

**Felix:** You mind?

**Sylvain:** Its ok as long as were outside

**Sylvain:** Indoors its just nasty

**Sylvain:** Like. Ever been anywhere and their whole place just reeks of smoke? Its disgusting

**Felix:** I agree

**Felix:** I step outside. I have a balcony at home

**Sylvain:** Oh so ur on the second floor?

**Felix:** Third

**Sylvain:** My house only has ground level lol

**Sylvain:** I have a little extra space under the roof and a tiny basement

**Felix:** Communal basement here

**Felix:** I own my condo and that’s where all my things are

**Sylvain:** And cat

**Felix:** And Cat

**Sylvain:** Does she ever leave?

**Felix:** For the vet. She hates it

**Sylvain:** Oh yea lex got scared when they cut off his balls and now i can carry him inside there every time

**Felix:** Is he heavy?

**Sylvain:** Just over 35 kilos

**Sylvain:** Hes heavy for a husky bc hes so big

**Felix:** I thought he weighed more

**Sylvain:** Hes 90% fur and fluff

**Sylvain:** Sadly hes not much of a cuddler :(

**Sylvain:** He always wriggles loose after a minute or two

**Felix:** Cat likes staying in physical contact

**Sylvain:** When he was small id place lex on my lap

**Sylvain:** One time he kicked me in the nuts and ever since then i usually leave him alone

Felix chuckles again.

**Felix:** I can picture it

**Sylvain:** No dont!

**Felix:** Too late

**Sylvain:** Sadist :(

**Sylvain:** Its humiliating

**Felix:** Then you shouldn’t have told me

**Sylvain:** *Whispers* i cant not tell u stuff

**Felix:** Running your mouth, huh?

**Sylvain:** Yea

**Sylvain:** Sorry

Because of the zing moment, Felix is certain. While Sylvain said that he has it for friendship as well, they _were_ talking about romantic and sexual relationships in particular at the moment. But he did say he needed this to happen first for an affair or a relationship of any kind to bloom into something he wants to take and pursue seriously. Which means Felix is on the right track.

Felix can neither stop his stomach from emitting flutters, nor can he stay on his sofa. He scoops Cat up into his arms to walk around his living room in circles, trying to work off some of that excess energy he saved up today. Cat demands to be let down when Felix is halfway through his third round, so he places her on the floor and lets her watch him complete his ritual with thinly veiled confusion.

**Sylvain:** Dont leave me on read when i spologize!

**Sylvain:** *Apologize

**Felix:** I don’t mind you “running your mouth”

**Sylvain:** GOOD ur back

**Sylvain:** And also good that u dont mind

**Sylvain:** Im always a little afraid im texting or talking too much

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** I would’ve stopped texting you if you got on my nerves

**Sylvain:** Thanks for liking me then

**Felix:** You realize I can see the trap

**Sylvain:** Stop calling it a “trap”

**Sylvain:** Im not trying to catch u

**Felix:** Yes you are

**Felix:** You’re trying to catch me off-guard and admit things unknowingly

**Sylvain:** Im just suggesting things

**Sylvain:** Ur free to disagree

Felix sighs and leans back into the backrest of his sofa.

**Felix:** It just feels unfair

**Sylvain:** Im trying to be as open and honest with u as i can :(

**Sylvain:** I know i havent told u every little thing but neither have u and i believe everyone is permitted to have some privacy

**Sylvain:** So ur always allowed to say u dont want to say something

**Sylvain:** I wont get in ur face for it

**Sylvain:** I respect ur boundaries

He’s been slumping, so Felix straightens his back.

**Felix:** Good

**Felix:** That I can live with

**Sylvain:** I hope u do me the same courtesy and dont pry when i cant talk abt something

**Felix:** Always

He works the kinks in his neck loose. All this sitting is taking its toll on his body. Felix stretches his arms ceiling-wards.

**Sylvain:** *Hugs u*

Stifling another sigh, Felix stares at his screen. He’s feeling weird—bad weird. There are still a lot of questions he wants answered about Sylvain, first and foremost about his past and his family.

Felix can’t let go of the puzzle pieces. A ‘something’ happened in Sylvain’s life, too. Did it leave him scarred, physically as well as mentally? Can he just shrug it off? Then again, he does admit to taking meds to calm down. Which would mean Sylvain must be traumatized. Bets are on that the something that prevented the normalcy to settle is at the root of its cause.

Licking his lips, Felix slumps back against his sofa. He could try, but so far, Sylvain has not reacted in a good way to him asking. Ruining his mood as well is the last thing Felix wants for today. And Sylvain hinted strongly he may not reply accordingly to Felix’s questions. Not today.

Maybe not ever?

Maybe he might, someday, if Felix gives him something in turn first.

He’ll have it figured out by the time they meet. Yes.

**Felix:** Thanks

**Felix:** I still need to take a shower

**Felix:** And I might go to bed right after

**Sylvain:** Oh no :( Something happen?

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** I’m just tired

**Sylvain:** Even tho u slept thru the whole day?

**Felix:** I’m a generally tired person

**Sylvain:** Hey ur not… suicidal or anything, r u?

Felix swallows.

**Felix:** I stink and need a shower

**Sylvain:** These uh mood swings arent normal

**Felix:** I know

**Felix:** They still happen

**Sylvain:** Not that u have like serotonin imbalance

_Probably_ , Felix thinks.

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Okay…

**Sylvain:** Well take care of urself

**Sylvain:** Im always there

**Sylvain:** U can also always call now that were over this!

**Felix:** Thank you

**Felix:** I’ll talk to you tomorrow

**Sylvain:** Yes!

**Sylvain:** See u then! Have a good night :)

**Felix:** Thanks. You too

**Sylvain:** Sleep well!!!

**Felix:** You too

Felix shuts off his phone. His hands are shaking. Great. Fantastic.

Why can’t he function normally on this one fucking day in the year? Let him have this one at least. It started out great. Why did it have to go like this? _Why?_

After heaving himself up, Felix yanks off his clothes on his way to the shower. The hot water feels wonderful on his skin, loosening knots Felix wasn’t aware were there. It’s refreshing, pouring life back where there was only a dulled sense of awareness before. Self-care is important, Felix reminds himself. It’s a way of being functional after all.

Still, he takes forever to fall asleep, with apprehension running through his veins.


	20. Day 42

Since Molinaro and Dimitri are suspiciously absent at lunch, Felix gets to confide in Ashe in private. It’s so loud in the dining hall that he’d be surprised if anyone caught a whiff of what they’re talking about, much less notice that one of their managers is rubbing shoulders with a newbie. And if they are, all the better for it: Let them gossip about _that_ instead of concerning themselves with Felix’s actual problems.

“Hey,” Ashe greets him, smile easy as ever, eyes watching Felix as he slides into the seat across from him. Ashe picked the pancakes with sirup. Felix went for the potatoes with meatballs and cream, like any sensible person.

“Hello.”

“How are you?”

“Fine. You?”

“Really good!” Ashe cuts through several layers of pancake to spear them up with his fork. Oh no. He’s going to stuff that… _thing_ in in one go. Thankfully, he speaks before he ends up presenting half-chewed, soaked-through pancake to Felix. “So, how’s it going with Sylvain?” Ashe even wriggles his eyebrows.

Felix should never have told him.

And yet he says, “I’m going to see him on Sunday.”

“Like, in person?”

“Yes.”

Ashe leans forward, the sirup dripping from the pancake pieces impaled on his fork back onto his plate. “You’re gonna have to tell me all about it. Where?”

“I’m not telling you because if I do, you’ll sit in the vicinity with a newspaper held in front of your face. With eyeholes punched through it.”

Ashe laughs. A blush rises to his cheeks, and he pushes back some strands of hair behind his ear. “I’d just make sure he doesn’t turn out to be a creep.”

“He’s… fit. I don’t expect you to be able to overwhelm him.”

“Oh, I’ve been told I’m a good shot.” Ashe grins, then his eyes widen. “With pebbles, not a gun!”

Felix sighs. He’s since reduced his potatoes to mash and begins scooping up some of it onto his fork. “Dimitri also offered his assistance in scaring Sylvain away. When, you know, that’s the last thing I want right now.”

Ashe’s expression sobers, although Felix can’t tell if it’s due to his words or from the massive amount of pancake he has to chew and swallow, let alone taste. “I guess you’d love to suck his—”

Felix clears his throat.

“—face! I was gonna say face!”

Unsure of how much of a euphemism this is, Felix snarls, “I do,” and stuffs his mouth with food he barely tastes.

“Sorry, I screwed this up.” Ashe’s approximation to a kicked puppy is remarkable: eyes wide, bottom lip quivering, head bowed. Felix can imagine him folding back his ears.

Oh gods, he’s not up to walking down this road. “You’re forgiven.” Felix swirls his fork around on his plate, blending everything on it into a homogeneous mass. “Like I told you, I think he may like me back, but I also think it’s just wishful thinking and that I’m seeing what I want to see.”

“So you haven’t told him?”

“No. And I won’t try anything on Sunday.” Felix fixes Ashe with his eyes. “Like I also told you, he’s my friend first.”

“I’m just saying someone has to take the first step.”

“I’m aware. Just… let me see if he shows signs of,” Felix licks his lips, “attraction towards me in person, too.”

“And then you’ll do something?”

“If I’m sure.”

Ashe is back to smiling, and there goes another excessive amount of sirup-drenched pancake. Felix makes sure to preoccupy himself with his own food until Ashe is done. “Yeah, like I, uh, _hinted_ , I’d be happy if you shared and tell me how it went. My lips,” Ashe draws two fingers over them as if zipping them shut, “are sealed.”

“Good. Then I’d like your opinion.”

“On what?”

“Should I get a haircut? Or does it still look fine?”

“It looks fine to me.”

Felix nods. “I just hope I won’t get bad skin from stress.”

“Also looks fine! And you can always moisten.” Reaching under the table, Ashe draws up his phone. “I have this really nice skin care product, too. Even smells good.” He taps away on the screen. Felix had rather not try it in case he winds up with an outbreak caused by that very product.

“Are my teeth much stained?”

Ashe’s head snaps up. “I never thought so. Not more than is natural for someone going 30.”

“I just turned 29.”

Ashe shrugs. “You smoke and you’re addicted to this horrid coffee they serve here.”

“Damn right.” Felix does not like how Ashe leans into his personal space bubble when he speaks.

“Your teeth look fine.”

“Everything looks fine?”

“Yes! Trust me, Sylvain won’t mind.” Easy for Ashe to say. He doesn’t even know what Sylvain is like! “Look, this is my skin cream.” Ashe shoves his phone into Felix’s face.

He does him the courtesy of taking it and even scrolling a little through the page describing its benefits before handing the phone back. “Thanks.”

“So, he’s fit?” Ashe asks. “He didn’t send you any nudes, did he? Because in that case I’d—”

“No! I,” Felix swallows and speaks lower and subdued, “scooped around on his insta.”

“Show me,” Ashe whispers.

Felix reaches for his phone and opens his Sylvain stash. The first half-naked selfie, taken in Sylvain’s bedroom mirror, still haunts Felix a little, but he opens it anyway for Ashe to get a good idea on what kind of physique Sylvain possesses. Felix prays not to pop a boner the way he has been conditioning himself with this particular picture, sliding his phone across the table surface.

Ashe takes his phone and, from the way his pinched fingers slide apart, likely a detailed look at what Sylvain has to offer above waist level. “He sure knows his good angles. And the tat is sexy.” Ashe looks up. “You told him you think so, too, right?”

“No? I’m playing this carefully.”

“You should tell him when he strips for you.” Ashe hands the phone back. Sylvain’s abs are still on display for anyone passing by to leer at. Fighting a flush, Felix clears all open apps from his phone and shoves it back down his pants’ pocket.

“‘When’.”

“C’mon, you’re smart! If you can’t get him to do it by confessing, just say something like, ‘Oh, by the way, on that last picture you sent I saw your massive man tits bulge—’”

Felix chokes on the last piece of mashed potato on his plate. Perhaps he can blame his red face on oxygen deprivation. “Ashe.” Felix swallows again to dislodge the lump forming in his throat. “Look.” He taps on the table surface before drawing a line on it with his fingertip. “This is the line of acceptable, appropriate things to say. I’m here.” Felix places the index of his right hand on the right side of the invisible line. “And you’re somewhere over there.” Holding his left hand as far away from his body as it will go, Felix points to the far side of the line.

Ashe’s eyes widen. A blush violent enough for Felix to pity him for his complexion tints Ashe’s cheeks and neck, even the tip of his visible ear, a deep red. “I— I’ll be a quieter supporter then.”

“That’s all I’m asking for.” Picking up his tray, Felix stands up. “See you at the meeting.”

“Yes, see you there.” Ashe’s voice is still wavering, and he blinks uncertainly after Felix taking his leave.

* * *

Felix finds out three things during the afternoon meeting:

One: Ashe is incredible with technology, and their preliminary presentation on the video ad looks professional enough to impress even their tech team. Despite his blush and a jittery voice, Ashe goes through his lines sounding nervous but not monotonous, unlike Felix’s brand mark air of sterile boredom mixed with barely concealed irritation.

Two: Ashe actually pays attention to criticism as well as other people’s presentations. Felix takes the bare minimum of notes he can get away with while Ashe, leaning forward in his seat next to Felix’s, even raises his hand to ask questions when he doesn’t understand something, or to nudge other nervous people in the right direction.

Three: Ashe can do coin tricks, rolling one over his knuckles absentmindedly. After a while, the coin is back in his pocket and replaced by a pen he spins around on his fingers under the desk. It’s annoying, him moving about all the time, especially so under the table, but what’s worse is that this only adds to Felix’s idea of Ashe and how he gauged him to be someone completely different from reality.

“You two did a superb job,” Dimitri says when the room clears, walking over to Felix and Ashe, Molinaro in tow. “I can’t wait for the ad to air.”

“It was just a mock-up,” Ashe says, one of his hands immediately burying itself in his hair to wind a strand around it.

Felix seals his laptop in its case. “It’ll still take some time. I’m glad you like it so far, though.”

Dimitri opens his arms. “As does the rest of the Blue Lions team!” Molinaro nods at this and something close to a smile flashes across his stern features. “Did you come up with the song and jingle yourself?”

Throwing on his coat, Felix says, “We agreed that Annette Dominic should be given some creative freedom in this, too.” Which is Felix speak for, ‘I couldn’t care less so I shoveled off some work.’

“She’s a music teacher,” Ashe pipes in, “and she even writes her own songs.” Exchanging a glance with Felix, Ashe winks at him. Felix gives him a curt smile.

“That is helpful,” Molinaro says.

Turning his head back to Dimitri and Molinaro, Felix says, “We worked on the lyrics and other texts, however.”

“And we only filmed it with phone cams,” Ashe says. “We’re planning on mobilizing a professional camera team.”

“And actual nice sites for filming.” Felix crosses his arms. “It’d be ideal if we could delay the filming for a bit so we’d get spring blooms on it. Looks better than dead winter trees.”

Dimitri frowns. “Make sure to work on everything else in the meantime so the video itself is the last thing to be finished.”

Ashe nods. Grabbing his laptop case, Felix says, “Will do. If that’s all, I’ll be going now.”

Dimitri’s face falls, even though he wasn’t smiling. “Oh, okay. See you tomorrow.” He waves, and Molinaro picks the gesture up as well.

“See you tomorrow,” Ashe says, too. His face is still bright with the smile at today’s accomplishment.

“Yeah, see you.” Felix raises a hand in good-bye before turning around and leaving.

* * *

**Sylvain:** When r u free today?

**Sylvain:** I wanna hear ur voice

This is what’s waiting for Felix when he arrives home. He packed away his groceries and then checked his phone for _this._ Sylvain must mean he wants to call. Felix’s heart jumps and then falls through to his feet.

**Felix:** I wanted to run for an hour

**Felix:** Shower, eat

**Felix:** Then I’m free

**Sylvain:** Oh okay

**Sylvain:** Ull text me when ur home for the evening?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Already looking forward!!

**Sylvain:** Have fun :*

Felix has no idea why Sylvain sent him a crying smiley. Probably missed the key. He changes, ties up his hair, ruffles Cat’s head, and leaves with his key in hand.

* * *

Felix takes his sweet time and yet he hurries through his remaining day. The run is good, the shower great, the way his hair is full of knots afterwards that leave his brush full with the ones ripped out when he was yanking it through it, however, is a disaster. His rice burns itself to the bottom of his pot but tastes acceptable with chicken and curry. His lighter flies from his hand when Felix wants to steady his shaking hands—the prospect call makes him jittery all over—and the cig tastes of tar and nothing else. Nevertheless Felix decides he’s as ready as he’ll ever be, so he drops down on his sofa with his phone in hand.

**Felix:** I’m home

**Sylvain:** Yes!!!

Felix swallows. It’s like Sylvain was just waiting for him to message him, what with his immediate reply.

**Sylvain:** Ur ready?

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** Ill call now

**Felix:** Ok

Really, Sylvain is just making it weird by announcing it like this. The ‘incoming call’ message appears. Felix picks up, cradling his phone to his ear. He’s afraid of it slipping out of his hands by the way they’re shaking again.

Sylvain clears his throat. “Hey,” he says.

“Hi.”

“So, uh, you holding your phone to your ear?”

“Yes?”

Sylvain laughs nervously. His voice jumps when he speaks. “You realize I video called you.”

Felix rips his phone from his ear and scowls down onto its screen. Sure enough, there’s Sylvain displayed on it, his tattooed arm reaching behind his neck, his hand clasping the back of it. Behind him, there’s a wooden wall with a painting blurry from the lack of focus. Felix can see his own irritated expression in the lower right corner. Great. This is ten types of embarrassing. “What the fuck.”

Sylvain laughs again, eyes lighting up, teeth perfect. “Sorry. I thought it’d be beneficial to see each other in motion before Sunday.” He leans back in his seat, his right arm coming around. He’s wearing a tight white t-shirt, showing off his bulk as well as the shining patches of color on his arm. “Man, you look just like I expected you to.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “You know what I look like.”

“I meant your expressions.”

“You mean pissed.”

Sylvain laughs. “I didn’t know how you’d react to a video call but when I do something like this while you have your guard down…” Felix’s scowl deepens. “Yep. That’s exactly the face you’d make.”

“Okay.” Felix shuffles on his sofa into a more comfortable position for holding the phone and resting his back. Cat jumps up onto his lap, and Felix buries a hand in her fur.

“Your hair looks great.”

Felix left it open after his shower to it would dry evenly and not into a curly mess. A flush rises to his cheeks. “It always looks like this.”

“Lucky you.” Sylvain’s expression grows softer, lines smoothing out, a small smile settling on his features. “You remember how I had doubts? About this, and most of all you, being real?”

“Yes.”

“It feels as real now as it has never before.” Sylvain’s smile widens a bit.

“My boss was busy planting doubt in me in the meantime.”

And the smile is gone. Sylvain’s eyebrows shoot up as he asks, “What? How?” He doesn’t close his mouth completely.

“He says he’s just concerned for my well-being. You could turn out to be a murderer.” Felix gives a weak grin that brings the joy back into Sylvain’s face, his eyes sparkling.

“But you trust me nevertheless.”

“Yep. I have no reason not to.”

Sylvain’s smile blooms into a radiant grin. “Two things. One, I’m gonna hug my phone to my chest to simulate hugging you.”

The screen goes dark as Sylvain presses his phone against him. Saints. _Gods_. Felix wishes that were him. Still, he snorts. “And the other?”

Holding the phone back to where it was before, Felix’s screen displaying Sylvain’s head and the upper part of his torso, Sylvain says, “Li’l compliment: Your smile suits you. Like, a lot. It makes you look younger somehow? In a good way.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “You saying I’m ugly?”

“No!” Sylvain must wave his hand holding the phone since he goes blurry with vertigo. “Sorry. I gesticulate too much in person.” Licking his lips, scar shining on the upper one, Sylvain again clasps the back of his neck. “I meant it looks great on you as an enhancement of your inherent… well.” Sylvain clears his throat and his voice drops almost a full octave. “Beauty.”

Felix can’t even put his scowl back on. He’s grinning like a fucking buffoon, color is rising to his cheeks, and he can’t hide it. He wants to raise both eyebrows and show his surprise, but instead he only arches the left one. “Oh?”

“Yeah… It’s kinda rough around the edges like?” Sylvain’s eyes flit away from his phone. “You have these frown lines and I don’t know, you look a little pale sometimes? But that can just be stupid dead winter lighting and phone cameras unable to capture the contrast between your skin and hair colors. Anyway, that doesn’t make you ugly or hideous or worse. I’ve always thought you’re, like… intrinsically nice.”

“Go on.”

“You know how people who’re good on the inside are beautiful on the outside too? Without even trying to. No make-up. No plastic surgery. Just naturally them.” Sylvain finally looks back at the screen, but his eyes seem still vacant and unfocused. “That’s you.”

Sweet Goddess. Felix wants to place the phone down and get up to fling himself into the air and somersault. Instead, he clenches his hand around his phone and tries his best to even his breathing. He hopes his camera is somewhat shitty and doesn’t do the heat burning under his skin any justice, hopes he doesn’t jitter in time with his erratic breathing, hopes his voice won’t crack to express his real feelings and betray himself to Sylvain.

“That’s… one hell of a compliment,” Felix finally settles on.

Sylvain’s eyes finally focus on his camera again. His cheeks darken visibly. “Sorry, I think I came on a little strong.”

“Don’t you always.”

“Right.” Sylvain laughs nervously, then settles on a grin. “Everyone needs a superpower.”

“And yours is being, what? Painfully heterosexual yet proposing to other men over text?” Felix boasts a grin, though Sylvain’s vanishes.

“I— Yes. Probably.” The nervous laugh is back. It’s kind of adorable, how Felix can tickle out the real Sylvain that’s nowhere to be found on his Instagram, and he loves how he can make him laugh and smile and be happy. And nervous. Nervous is good in this case. “What’d be yours? Or _is_ yours?”

“No opinion?” Felix cocks his head to the side. “I mean I spelled out yours.”

Sylvain exhales loudly. “I’m thinking.” His eyes flit from his phone again. He gets up to walk around the room, flashes of shelves and ornaments and paintings blurring past, eventually crouching down next to Lex. “Ah, say hi to him in the meantime.” He shoves his phone into Lex’s face.

“Hi.”

The dog comes close enough to blur, then his violet-pink tongue lashes out and Sylvain yanks the phone from him. “No! You’re not hanging up on Felix for me!”

“I thought he intended to lick me.”

Sylvain snorts. His face is back on the screen, face tilted to the left. The edge of his tattoo peeks out from under his shirt, and Felix uses the small window of time Sylvain doesn’t look at him to lick his lips. “So, anyway, your superpower is being a bastard full of snark but with a golden heart.”

“That’s gay.”

Sylvain turns back to the camera, shrugging and laughing. “I keep using my superpowers it seems.”

“True.”

“Also!” Sylvain holds up a finger. Today, he doesn’t appear to be wearing any rings. “It rhymed!”

“‘Snark’ and ‘heart’ don’t rhyme.”

“It’s called an ‘imperfect rhyme’, you unlearnéd ignoramus.”

“I have an MBA.” Felix stretches his legs, causing Cat to jump down, and gets up. If he’s lucky, he can procure his certificate and wave it in Sylvain’s face. It must be somewhere around the folders labeled _Important_.

“Oooh, I’m _sooo_ jealous.” Sarcasm drips from Sylvain’s voice. “Watcha doing?” It’s back to normal. “Giving me a tour of your place?”

“No.” Felix places the phone on the shelf surface and rifles through the documents in his folders. He eventually stumbles over old record cards he kept, and there, close to the back of the folder, he locates his stupid degree. “Look.” He holds his phone for Sylvain to be able to see the certification stamped onto the front page, in big, fancy-looking letters designed by someone who failed typesetting.

“Holy shit, dude. I _did_ believe you when you said you have an MBA.”

“Good.” Felix rakes a hand through his hair, then combs it back into place with his fingers. No need to have Sylvain see him with the shorter strands from his bangs sticking out in every direction.

“So you studied in Fhirdiad?”

“Mhm.” Felix places the phone back on the shelf and closes the folder. “I never moved out of the city.”

“But you’ve surely been somewhere else on vacation.”

“Yes. And drove around the countryside a lot, went exploring.” Felix walks back to the sofa. In the meantime, Cat has discovered Felix’s ass leaves warm places for curling up in, so he has to sit down next to her, careful not to squish her tail she inexplicably left unrolled.

“Oh, me too.” Felix’s movements must have inspired Sylvain to walk back to wherever he was before. “Sad we never ran into each other.”

“We didn’t even know each other six weeks ago.”

“You keep track, huh?” Sylvain chuckles, then plops down onto what Felix guesses to be his sofa, emitting a groan that makes the blood rush to Felix’s groin. Fuck. Not now. Please.

“Maybe.”

“So anyway, ever been abroad?”

“Not really.”

“Only a little bit?” Sylvain laughs.

“I can’t remember ever leaving Faerghus.” Felix’s left hand sneaks back into Cat’s fur.

“Dude, we so gotta travel! I’ve been almost everywhere in the vicinity, if you can call it that. Sreng is right over my parent’s place, and you know I studied in Adrestia. The Alliance is super chill! You should totally—”

Felix clears he throat. It’s cute, watching Sylvain’s eyes light up and his excited smile grow as he’s talking, a flush reddening his cheeks and his hand grabbing his hair, and it’s sad to see him freeze up and his smile falter at Felix’s words. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but I want to meet you first before committing to any further plans.”

“Y-yes, sure. Sorry, I keep getting ahead of myself.” Sylvain’s tattooed arm snakes behind his head again, hand clasping the back of his neck. “I’m really looking forward to Sunday.”

“Mhm. Me, too.”

“I checked the forecast and they said that the ‘heat wave’, if we can call it that, is gonna hold. It’s supposed to be around ten degrees, and sunny.” Sylvain grins. “Couldn’t be better for late February, huh?”

“If it turns out to be right.”

Sylvain chuckles. “Dude, you don’t wanna know how often I checked the forecast and be met with disappointment.”

“That’s why I don’t rely on it.” Felix nods to the side, even though Sylvain will have no idea where to. “I have windows.”

The chuckle evolves into a laugh. “True enough.”

“And accurate.”

“Yes!” Sylvain’s fingers clench around his neck for a second. His eyes flit away from the screen, but are back for his next words. “Felix, I really love your pragmatism.”

Felix snorts in an attempt to misdirect Sylvain’s attention from his flaring cheeks. “Most people agree I’m an unfriendly bitch.”

“Nah. They haven’t taken the time to get to know you, dig up the treasure.”

“Pirate.”

“Who d’you want me to be? Blackbeard?” Sylvain scratches his chin.

“Nah, doesn’t work.”

“Wouldn’t grow in black anyway. William Kidd?”

“With a powdered wig?” Felix asks.

“I will _not_ do another photoshoot for you to laugh at me.” Felix wants to tell him he decidedly did not laugh, no, he’s not a stupid teenager, even when he acted like one that particular evening, for a wholly different reason. He doesn’t get the chance—and it’s a good thing he doesn’t—because Sylvain goes on, twirling a strand of hair around a finger. “Mary Read?”

“Sound’s like a women’s name.”

“Duh, she was one of the most famous female pirates. Posed as a man, so the crossdressing aspect would be retained.”

Felix chuckles. “You could make it work with your t—” Shit. Fuck. Motherfucking bullshit. Felix bites his tongue, expression turning sour with the relieving pain.

“What?” Sylvain gives him a confused smile. “With my what?”

Felix takes a deep breath, holds, counts to seven, releases. His stupid throat is still on the verge of clogging up, his heart pumping away like there’s no tomorrow, his hands are sweating and making him lose the grip on his phone. “I did not mean to say this,” he presses out between lips that want to stay shut.

“Now you’re making me even more curious!”

“It’s weird.”

“I won’t get angry! Promise.” Sylvain removes his hand from the back of his head where it’s since moved to rest to flash his pinky in the camera. “Pinky promise.”

Felix untangles his free hand from Cat to hold up his pinky for Sylvain. “Pinky promise.” No going back now. Felix wets his lips. “I was going to say that you could pull it off with your… bust.”

Sylvain stares at the camera. It takes a moment stretching close to infinity for a smug smirk to break out over his features. “You were gonna say ‘tits’.”

“No, I—“

“I heard the voiceless alveolar stop, otherwise known as the _t_ sound, you started your initial choice of wording with.”

Felix exhales audibly and turns his head away from the camera. “In my defense, it was my co-worker who said something about massive, bulging man tits.”

“Holy shit, dude.” Sylvain breaks out in laughter that sounds half-amused and half-scared. “What the hell are you discussing at work?”

“I refuse to say anything more about it.”

“Only one question. Then I’ll leave it alone.”

“If you want to show off—”

Sylvain snorts and laughs, merriment now back in it. “I could if you want to make sure I possess enough of a,” he clears his throat, “ _bust_ to make a good Mary Read.”

“Then what were you going to ask?” Felix sets down his phone next to him, not caring what Sylvain can see on his, and grabs Cat to yank her onto his lap. She’s not exactly delighted but doesn’t do more than fold back her ears and shoot Felix one pissed glance before going back to sleep.

“If you like, in your co-workers words, ‘massive, bulging man tits’.”

“I… don’t dislike them.”

“Still wanna see mine?”

Felix’s saliva goes down the wrong pipe. His ensuing coughing fit makes Cat seek a quieter place, and he thumps his chest several times before he stops. Felix has to clear his throat twice before his voice, coming out feeble and sputtering and cracking, is loud enough to croak, “W-what?”

Sylvain laughs, and a look down at his phone reveals to Felix that he looks easy-going enough, but Sylvain’s eyes aren’t completely in it and there’s an underlying tenseness. “I can take off my shirt if you want to see.” Sylvain puts on an easy smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “It’s nothing special? I mean, I’m no bodybuilder.”

Picking his phone back up, heart hammering against his chest with such violence Felix is convinced Sylvain can feel the tremors even at his place, Felix says, “I have been wondering about your tattoo anyway.”

Another bout of laughter from Sylvain, this time threaded with nervousness so profound that Felix fears he overstepped and Sylvain is about to bail out on him. “Gimme a moment,” he says however, and watching his phone screen, Felix sees Sylvain pick a place for his phone to prop it up. “You better be watching.”

“Don’t put on a show.”

Sylvain steps away, back turned—making Felix think, _Nice ass_ —before he turns around. Sylvain leans forward, squinting. “I hope you can see everything.”

“Yes. And you’re not blurry.”

“Good. Don’t laugh about my evening flab.”

“Are you nearsighted?”

“You’d think with the amount of staring at screens and novel pages I do.” Sylvain reaches behind him. Felix leans forward and watches his muscles flex.

“But?”

“I think I’m getting farsighted actually.” Sylvain laughs again, differently this time, more joy in it, less tension. “Maybe it’ll even out for a while yet.”

“I think you could pull off glasses.”

Sylvain snorts. “C’mon, I’m doing enough shit for you as is already. Give a guy a break.” His muscles tighten and he pulls his shirt over his head from behind, leaning forward a little while he does. A pendant, its chain made of interloping golden links—Felix supposes since the image he receives is too tiny to make out this amount of detail—is pulled up along with the t-shirt, then falls back down. A closed locket is hanging from its end. Felix would love to open it and find out what keepsake Sylvain carries around with him.

Well. Moving on.

It’s not like Felix didn’t know what to expect, but seeing it all in motion, getting Sylvain to strip for him and him alone (albeit missing the acknowledgment of why Felix would like to see Sylvain’s massive, bulging man tits), is something else. It’s arousing, no denying that. And the sight kills the last shred of dignity Felix had clung to.

While Sylvain’s tits aren’t as massive as the word makes them out to be, he has quite the bust. Hints of his abs are still visible, although Felix gets that consumption of food does diminish the effect somewhat. Sylvain’s tattoo covers his arm, snakes up his neck the way Felix has already seen in better resolution, extends onto his chest. What’s different from the photos Felix got from Sylvain’s insta are the dark red hairs on Sylvain’s chest. What’s the same is the line of some dark red hairs traveling down from his navel to disappear into the waistband of his pants.

Felix turns his head so Sylvain won’t be able to see him lick his lips.

“So, any descriptions posing as compliments?” Sylvain asks.

Felix looks back. Sylvain steps a little closer to his phone, the image displayed closing in on his chest. Good. No, perfect. “I wouldn’t call your tits ‘massive’, but I like what I see.”

“You said you wanted to see my tat, dude.” Sylvain laughs. He picks up his phone and holds it display-down to his arm. “Can you even see it?”

“It’s too close.”

Sylvain holds his phone farther away. “Better?”

Yes, since now Felix gets to see the way his muscles move underneath his skin. The tattoo still looks blurry, courtesy of being in a video call that runs at a whopping 240p, but Felix still fools himself into making out individual rose petals, leaves, stems, thorns. It must be breathtaking in person, yet Felix is aware Sylvain still won’t show him one part of that Felix elevated in his mind into _crucial_ territory.

“What about the part on your back?”

“Oh.” Sylvain’s voice falls. He holds his phone higher so his face is back on the screen, eyes not focusing on the camera but lower, probably looking at the tiny Felix head displayed there. “See, _that_ is part of a cover-up I don’t want to show off like this.”

Felix’s left eyebrow shoots up as of its own volition. “Follies of youth?”

“I wish.” Sylvain doesn’t look at the camera as he speaks, even vanishes. Felix waits for him to come back and elaborate. Return Sylvain does, his white t-shirt back in place, his pendant hidden by it again. “I’m sorry. I really want to tell you but I can’t.”

“I understand.”

Sylvain gives him a wry smile, his eyes full of sadness. “Do you?” He runs a hand through his hair, disheveling the little that hasn’t been up to this point by Sylvain’s shirt. “I’d break out in tears and need someone to hold me to calm me down.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Felix’s mind is running, though. This may be a fat clue he just stepped into like into dog poop, distressing everyone, himself included, bringing the foul stench everywhere with him. This isn’t how this is supposed to go, and the last thing he wants for Sylvain is to be sad because he made him think about demons not yet exorsized.

Sylvain gives a light shake of his head, his hair whipping feather-like. “No, no, don’t be. I’ll—” Sylvain’s cranes his head up, giving Felix a nice view of his jugular that’s just plain unfair in this situation. “We can talk about it on Sunday if you’re up to me drenching your shoulder in my tears.”

“If we do, I’ll initiate the conversation and you can back out anytime. Don’t feel pressured to tell me anything.”

Sylvain lowers his head again, eyes staring first at Felix’s picture in the corner, then moving up to the camera. “You must be curious by now.”

Huh. Huh? Did he drop all those hints on purpose for Felix to grasp at these puzzle pieces and put something together? How the fuck is he supposed to do this when Sylvain is a complex work of art comprised of a thousand pieces, and he gives Felix a grand total of fifteen to play with, not even bothering to show him what the full picture would look like? “I am,” Felix says, mouth pressed into a line. “But not curious enough to hurt you over it.”

“Noble.” Sylvain’s eyes flutter closed and a smile spreads over his lips. “Heart of gold, like I said.”

“So…”

“Yeah, I’d like to talk about something else. For instance,” Sylvain sits up (or leans forward), the world behind him tipping down, “we haven’t dipped into the literary pirates. John Silver, Captain Sharkey, Captain Hook, the whole crew, pun intended.”

“Isn’t Silver from a movie?”

“There’s lots of adaptations of Treasure Island.” Sylvain grins. “Though I’d argue the most famous movie pirate would be Jack Sparrow.”

“I’ll be honest,” Felix says, hand raking back his bangs, then quickly combing them where they belong, “I’m neither big on pirates nor on pop culture? It just goes over my head.”

“Aw. Can’t like everything.” The whole image stutters and Sylvain’s eyes widen. “Sorry! I shrugged and it went weird.”

“It’s fine. I’m sort of getting used to your erratic movements.”

Sylvain chuckles, his right hand making its way back to the back of his neck. “See? The video call was a good idea. Won’t catch you off-guard on Sunday this way.”

“Knowing you, you will accomplish this through other means.”

“I meant I don’t want to startle you into, like, fright? And flight.”

“It’s fight-or-flight.”

“Or fright-with-an-r- _and_ -flight.”

“Not for me.”

“Good.” Sylvain smiles.

“So far you only stuttered once.”

Sylvain’s eyebrows draw down. He opens his mouth as if to ask a question, then his face smoothes out into a grin. “Oh shit, you remember what I said.”

“And how nervous you sounded on Saturday.”

“Seiros, no need to remind me.” A blush colors Sylvain’s cheeks in. Felix smiles at the image, resting his chin on his free hand, elbow propped up on his thigh. “I guess I was just really afraid of another rejection in that moment? Like, I got used to just suggesting we hang out and you going no, and that was kinda becoming a thing, but I didn’t want it to be one. And I tried not to care, and then I did anyway, especially since Saint Indech Day is coming up, and, you know, family bullshit.” Sylvain pauses, swallowing. “And I don’t know how I’d have handled you rejecting the offer? Probably bitten it down and then be devastated once I hung up on you.”

“I’ll be honest, I did not expect you to get so worked up over it.”

“I’m a very touchy-feely person.” Sylvain smiles, eyes flicking to the side, cheeks reddening somewhat. “And I want a Felix hug.”

“Bullshit. You want at least a hundred.”

Sylvain laughs, the tint in his cheeks darkening. “True.”

“Will Lex even let you? I heard some dogs get jealous or whatever and try to break people apart.”

“I told you he’s trained!”

“You confirmed he’s your emotional support poop machine.”

Sylvain freezes in his regular, bubbly movements, and looks directly at the camera, mouth hanging open. “You did not just say that out loud.”

Felix lowers his voice, both getting close to a whisper and speaking in a lower register. “Emotional support poop machine.” He can’t keep from snickering right after, and he can’t tell if it’s that or his words or his straight face when he delivered it that makes Sylvain join him in his laughter. It’s a wonderful moment. Felix can only hope he can bring such joy to Sylvain on Sunday.

“Be utterly assured you have a substantial place right here.” Sylvain lowers his phone so Felix can see him point his tattooed hand at his chest.

Good. Felix smiles. “Oh, by the way. What’s in that locket?”

“My pirate treasure,” Sylvain replies without missing a beat. His face is back in view, a careful smile on his lips but not in his eyes. “The inside is padded with velvet and imbedded in that is a key to a very specific lock.”

“And you carry that key around with you all the time?”

“I take the pendant off for showering and sleeping, and when I’m working out. Like, whenever I feel like I could lose it.” Sylvain’s mouth tightens. “I haven’t worn it whenever I went out to get laid.”

“You took it off for the photos last week.”

“Yep. But I trust Doro with it.”

“Okay. And what’s behind that lock?”

Sylvain smirks. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” He arches an eyebrow, then his features soften. “It’s nothing special.”

“It’s special for you.”

“Yes. It’s… stuff from my childhood a certain someone almost destroyed.” Puzzle piece? “I bought this box with a lock on it and buried it in the woods.” Sylvain’s eyes twinkle. His good mood seems to be restored, and Felix allows himself to relax, shoulders slumping, a quiet sigh escaping his lips. “I’m the only one who knows where it is.”

“And you never dug it up?”

“I’m not sure I have the emotional strength for that.” The screen shudders again. “Sorry! Shrugged again. I, uh— I don’t feel ready for it yet. Maybe I will someday.”

“Mhm.” Felix nods slowly. “The way you make it sound, the lock could probably be broken open with a stone.”

“Yes. If it’s not rusted to dust by now.” Sylvain chuckles. “I did put it in a plastic bag to keep it from getting wet, but who knows how well kid me did. At least the key is safe.”

“So it’s kinda like a time capsule?”

Sylvain laughs. “Nah. I didn’t even know what that is back then. Really, it’s just a plastic-wrapped box with contents no future historian will find useful.” The image stutters and Felix shoots a pissed look towards his router. Likely it’s Sylvain’s connection jittering, but Felix is ready to find fault and throw fists with his shitty internet provider every day. “What’s up?” Sylvain asks, voice soft.

Felix turns back to his phone, forcing his face to relax. “Internet.”

“I gotta say I love your expressions, though. You’ve got some range.”

Felix rolls his eyes to distract from his flaring cheeks. Sylvain _loves_ them, that’s the word he thought applicable to his feelings, the one most suitable to him in this situation. “Do I?”

“Yes, absolutely!” Sylvain shifts, some strands of his hair deciding they want to be on the other side of his head now. “Honestly, I was a little afraid of calling you on Saturday because I had no idea what you’d sound like. Not voice-wise, but how expressive your voice is. Your texts have that unmistakable bite to them, and I was ready for you to hiss at me and, I don’t know, sound a little flat. And then you didn’t.”

“I expected your voice to be deeper.”

Sylvain laughs. “Yeah, you said. I can’t make it out that well over phone but your voice may actually be pitched lower than mine. Funny, huh?”

“How is it funny? Because I’m smaller?”

“No? Yes? I don’t know?” Sylvain’s eyes crinkle. “I have no idea why it’s funny. It’s not really.”

“It’s not.” Felix shakes his head lightly, a faint smile spreading still.

“I, uh, didn’t make you upset, did I?”

“No?” Felix smirks. “Stop being so nervous.”

Sylvain sighs. The smile is now on his lips, too. “Can’t help it?”

“…Is this supposed to be a question?”

“Look. I have a really, like _really_ good time talking to you. And I’m not stuttering and my hands aren’t shaking and my voice is only a little bit squeaky right now. I’m not sure why. I… have an idea. But.” Sylvain presses his lips together and swallows. His right hand combs his hair back from his pretty face. “Anyway, getting to know someone only via text first and then slowly moving onto more personal ways of communication is the other way around from how it usually works.”

Wait. Rewind. Was that ‘anyway’ intentional? Is Sylvain giving a different reason than the one he has an idea about or is it just Felix overthinking it again? He can’t help his heart from beating faster anyway. And he wants it to be true, wants to be right for once and happy and maybe… even nail himself a boyfriend. Felix chews on his bottom lip. He really shouldn’t think about Sylvain like this, not when he can’t be sure if the real reason for Sylvain being a nervous mess is because he’d been lying all this time about being a Casanova when in reality it’s just his fantasies, and he’s this creepy stalker who makes up stories about the women he sees at the bars he frequents in his drunken, high frenzies.

…Fuck Dimitri and the stupid shit he’s been whispering in Felix’s ear, making him doubt the evidence he sees. Yes, he’s sure Sylvain has lied to him before, but Felix can’t for the hell of him see more than white lies and Sylvain carefully picking his words to talk around something, redirect Felix’s attention from something, dance around the whole truth with him and avoid it utterly. For fuck’s sake, Sylvain promised, or, well, he _said_ he’d tell Felix on Sunday. If he feels up to it, since Felix made it extra easy for Sylvain to weasel out of it.

He should be grateful Sylvain is not fae or Felix would be fucked sideways by his lack of negotiation skills when it comes to personal relationships. Yes, he may be blindsided by his ever-growing affection for Sylvain, but he’s just as sure that he’s not _that_ big a fool to walk into a trap.

“I agree,” Felix eventually says. He’s uncertain for how long he remained silent, for how long Sylvain just quietly studied his face while he was thinking through this. It could have been half a second. It could have taken him five minutes just as well. Sylvain hums in the affirmative. “I’m already bad at making regular friends. And this—what we have—is extra weird, but in a good way. But I’ll be honest, I have no idea what I’m doing. If I’m doing it right.”

“You are,” Sylvain more breathes than says. There’s a beep like from Felix’s microwave and he looks over to his dark kitchen, see if some phantom materialized there to heat up something from Felix’s fridge. Nope. “Oh shit,” Sylvain says, and Felix’s head whips back around to look at a panicking Sylvain displayed on his phone. “My battery’s almost empty.”

“Oh.”

“It must be past your bedtime anyway.”

“You haven’t been holding me up.”

Sylvain’s eyes crinkle and twinkle along with his smile. “Yeah, you’re old enough to make your own decisions.”

“So this is it for today?”

“Mhm, looks like it.” Sylvain laughs, the nervousness back in it. “Sorry.”

“Shit happens.” Felix gives a half-shrug, more elegant than Sylvain’s fumbling that causes the whole image to shake and blur. “What I want to say before we hang up is: While I was decidedly not amused by you _video_ calling me when you did not specify and let me believe it would be a regular voice-only call, I’m actually glad you did. It was good seeing your face.”

Sylvain’s smug smirk full of cheek betrays his words a split-second before he speaks. “And my tits.”

“And your tits,” Felix agrees with a light chuckle.

“Thanks. Especially for liking the call! It was great talking to you, as always.” Sylvain is back to a real smile, bright and beautiful and infectious. “Sleep well! I’ll charge my phone overnight and text you tomorrow.”

“Already looking forward.”

“Me, too!”

“Sleep well, Sylvain.”

“Good night.” Sylvain gives him a last toothy grin that lights up his eyes along with it, the image burning itself into Felix’s mind, following him long after Sylvain has hung up.

He’s jittery all over, Felix finds once he thinks he’s calmed down enough from the rush of… everything. So many feelings, in him, all at once. He stands up, his legs wanting to give out under him, but he forces himself to clean himself up in the bathroom and then slouch back outside for a good night smoke before getting changed and dropping into bed. Felix is still half-hard somehow but he doesn’t want to soil and overshadow all the other emotions in him because his body decides to be horny. Again.

No, dressed in one of his old t-shirts and sweatpants substituting as pajamas, he cuddles up to Cat already lying on the pillow on the other side of his bed, closes his eyes, and nods off quickly with a smile on his face.


	21. Day 44

Felix slides his laptop into its case, done for the day with work, when there’s a knock at his door. “Come in,” he says, thinking it must be Ashe.

The door opens and it’s Dimitri who steps inside, metal boots clanking against the floor. How he missed the sound before, Felix only has one explanation for, and that’s his preoccupation with thoughts about a certain someone.

“Hello, Felix.” Dimitri closes the door behind him, then turns around to walk up to Felix’s desk. “I’m glad I still caught you.”

“What do you need?” Felix lets go of the coat he was ready to sling over his shoulders and sits back down, gesturing for Dimitri to feel free to do the same.

“A very spontaneous friend.” Dimitri looks distressed, now that Felix takes the time to study his face and see all the frown lines peeking out from between his somewhat disheveled hair. He fumbles around in something that looks suspiciously like a man purse and produces two tickets for the movies. “Do you have time to hear me out?”

“Make it quick.”

Dimitri nods curtly. “Dedue and I made plans to go to the movie theater. Something… personal came up, and he had to cancel the plans. He told me ten minutes ago, and I do not want to go alone, by myself.”

“And the movie’s today?”

“Yes. This evening at eight thirty. Admission is at eight.”

Felix takes one of the tickets to read the fine print. _Léon: The Professional_ it says, and details that Dimitri booked luxury seating. At least some good news today. “I’m game.”

Dimitri places his right hand over his chest, a smile spreading over his face and relaxing his features. “Thank you, Felix. I knew I could count on you.”

“I still want to make the gym before, so I’ll be going now. I’ll see you at, say, five to eight in front of the theater?”

“Yes. I’d like to invite you to dinner afterwards, if that’s all right.”

“Sounds good.” Even if said dinner will look like them hitting the nearest burger joint close to midnight.

Standing back up, Felix yanks on his coat and grabs his laptop case. Dimitri takes the hint and leaves, too, waiting in front of the door to Felix’s office to squeeze his shoulder and whisper another, “Thank you,” to him.

* * *

While he’s sucking on his pre-gym cig, Felix draws up the chat with Sylvain his phone. It’s not like they’ve made plans, but so far Felix always told him when he would be unavailable in the evenings, and especially with Sunday looming just over the horizon, Felix doesn’t want to disappear on Sylvain.

 **Felix:** I’ll be at the movies tonight with my boss

 **Felix:** I’ll check my phone again after gym

 **Felix:** And I can stay up really late if you want to text or talk

His cigarette all burned up (or rather, down, now that Felix thinks about it), he crushes the remains beneath a heel and shoves his phone back in his pockets. Felix slings his gym bag over his shoulder, locks up his car, and steps inside the place.

Caspar is drawn to him like a moth to flame, hovering close, fluttering around Felix like he’s his beacon. They do not exchange more than the usual pleasantries until they’ve worn each other out and rest on the floor, backs propped against the wall. Felix squeezes the water out of his bottle and laps at the spray like a dog trying to bite what comes out of a garden hose. He doesn’t care that half of the water lands in his face, mingles with his sweat in his hair, soaks the front of his tracksuit. From the corner of his eye, Felix watches Caspar drink with infinitely more grace, like the human he was born as and not the moth he pretended to be.

“Sooo,” Caspar says, prolonging the syllable until Felix stops squeezing the last drops his bottle has to offer out of it, “looks like we’re watching this mono-thingy from Ashe on Monday, huh?”

Felix’s eyes flit over, head turning slightly so his hair won’t obscure most of Caspar’s face from his sight. “Saint Indech Day is on Tuesday.”

Caspar hits his forehead with the flat of his palm, plastering his hair to it. “On Tuesday! Sorry, I’m bad with dates.”

“Don’t forget we’re supposed to meet on Thursday morning for Arianrhod or I’m going alone.”

“I won’t! I put a reminder on my phone. And Lin has promised to help me pack.” Caspar breaks out in laughter. “You don’t want to know all the shit I lost over the years when we were moving.”

“You’re right, I don’t.”

“Man, I wonder how Lin and you aren’t best buds already, the way you’re just radiating unfriendliness.”

Felix grins. “Guess you’re attracted to people like us.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Caspar leans his head forward to scratch at the back of it, completing the mess of his hair with a sweaty cowlick in the back that defies gravity and of the strands in front sticking to his forehead.

“And coming back to your question, I guess we are. Watching Ashe’s movie.”

“Cool.”

“Mhm.”

“I wanted to ask if you’re down to me making a playlist for our road trip?”

Felix still remembers the atrocities witnessed at Caspar’s place during the last movie night, and the terrible stuff he and Ashe had on while they were in the kitchen. “Please don’t. I have enough music we can listen to.”

“Oh yes! I hope it’s good!”

“It is.” Turning his head, Felix musters Caspar. He could tell him. It’d be easy, things would be out of the way. Ashe already knows, and the only other person Caspar could spill it to is Linhardt whose vibes of apathy remain unrivaled. “You remember me texting when I was alone in your kitchen?”

“Yeah? Oh!” Caspar’s eyes widen and he speaks in what is whisper quality for Caspar and normal volume for everyone else. “With your crush. That is one-sided.”

“Mhm. He made the music we’re going to listen to on our ‘road trip’.”

Caspar’s eyebrows draw together and down and then shoot up, and Felix hopes he won’t make a deal out of Felix admitting he likes a man. “What kind of music does he make?” is what Caspar asks instead, much to Felix’s surprise. He shouldn’t have worried. Not with Caspar’s and Linhardt’s beds in the states they were in when Linhardt showed him around.

“Oh, everything. He owns a studio and plays all sorts of instruments, mixes his own songs. They sound professional if you ask me.”

“Does he sing, too?”

“I… don’t have any songs he sings on, no. I never really asked him to sing for me, to be honest. But he said he can.”

“You should! I love it when people sing!”

“It depends on the person singing. Some people haven’t the greatest voices.”

“Oh, so you’re like tone-deaf?”

Felix narrows his eyes. “I was talking about _you_.”

Caspar blushes and laughs. “Man, way to rub home my lack of talents.”

“You’re a good sparring partner. I value that.”

“Thanks.” Caspar knocks his fist on Felix’s upper arm. “Is he also the one you said could call on Saint Indech?”

“Yes.” Felix blinks. He didn’t expect Caspar to remember, much less to connect the dots. “He’s with his parents and apparently they suck.”

“Dude, I can totally get behind that.” Standing up, Caspar stretches and sighs. “And look at us losers! We don’t even have family to visit on the holidays!”

“I—” Felix’s head whips around to the other side. He could visit the family plot, pay his respects for once. Talk at the graves like there’s the ghosts of his parents and, more importantly, Glenn waiting for him, wanting to hear all about the newest developments in his life. Letting some of his worries off this way could even be considered therapeutic, if there wasn’t the underlying nagging that it’s actually a sign of Felix’s mental health decaying into the raving madness he fears from Dimitri.

“You…?” Caspar presses, leaning way too far into Felix’s personal space bubble. His breath tickles Felix’s still-wet neck, making him shudder.

“I’m just thinking that I’m not so sure this is something to be happy about?”

“My family’s stupid. I guess my uncle’s all right? And my brother. But my parents?” Caspar makes a retching sound. Felix shuffles away from him. There’s exactly one person on this planet who’s allowed to breathe at him and it’s not Caspar.

“I used to think that, too. I said a lot of unfair things to my old man that I can never take back.”

“Why not?”

“He’s dead. They’re all dead.” Felix turns his head back to Caspar to watch his reaction unfold: His eyebrows jiggle all over the upper part of his face again, and he purses his lips. Okay? That’s not the shock or at the very least awkwardness Felix expected.

“That’s why you stopped coming all of a sudden.” Damn. Either Caspar took something before the gym to make him extra perceptive, or Felix is only realizing now that the man isn’t quite as dense as he’s always supposed. He knew Caspar’s somewhat intelligent, just not in the way school is training you, but not like this. Felix turns it over in his head, trying to find a label, and settles on ‘emotional intelligence, if he’s talked to you some and got to understand you as a person’.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.” Caspar pats Felix on his shoulder. “I hope you made your peace with it.”

“I’m still working on it.”

“But getting there?”

“Yeah.” Felix draws his knees closer to his body and pushes himself up on his palms. “Yes.”

“That’s what I wanted to hear.” Caspar gets up with less difficulty, sitting one second and standing the next. He hands Felix his empty water bottle that he forgot, earning a brisk nod and giving a toothy grin in return. “I hope I didn’t make you feel, like, bad.” The grin is gone. Caspar scratches the back of his head, his hair finally back in some semblance of order. “I’m bad at dodging bullets.”

“I’m fine. Really.” Felix manages a weak smile. “It feels good not having to hide everything anymore.”

Caspar pats Felix on the back, his own smile big and bright. “I think I already told you, and if I haven’t, then I’ll tell you now: You can always confide in me if you need someone.”

They both know that Felix won’t, at least not as a first choice. But perhaps knowing Caspar can be relied on will make their upcoming stay in Arianrhod much more bearable. “Thanks, Caspar.”

Caspar’s pats turn into thumps, making Felix stagger. “You’re prolly gonna call it a day now, huh?”

“Mhm. I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

“Right! Not Monday. And then on Thursday!”

“Exactly.”

Caspar flashes Felix both a grin and a thumbs-up. “Have a nice weekend!”

“You, too.” With that, Felix departs to the cubicles, Caspar not following for once. He’s giddy, not just from the way their conversation went, but also for the text, maybe texts, plural, from Sylvain that may be waiting for him. With his shower at home and a quick protein shake, Felix figures he’ll have half an hour to talk with him yet.

* * *

**Sylvain:** Awww staying up late just for my presence?

 **Sylvain:** Im not gonna say no

 **Sylvain:** Just

 **Sylvain:** Texting would be better since i tend to yawn a LOT during the night

 **Sylvain:** Im not the owl i used to be :(

That’s what’s waiting for Felix when, settled on his sofa with his protein shake in the hand not holding his phone, he checks his messages.

 **Felix:** I have about 30 minutes now

 **Sylvain:** OH

Of course Sylvain texts as though he has the chat open already (or still), just waiting for one of Felix’s messages.

 **Sylvain:** Up for a call?

 **Felix:** No video

 **Sylvain:** YES

Felix’s phone rings immediately. He swipes to pick up, then puts Sylvain on speaker.

“I may slurp,” is the first thing Felix says, since that’s the perfect way to greet the person you fell for and want to impress.

Sylvain laughs. “That means it tastes well. What’re you having?”

“Protein shake.”

“Right. You were at the gym.”

“Mhm.”

“Working on developing your tits too, huh?”

Felix coughs and splutters for reasons unrelated to his shake. He can hear Sylvain’s disembodied laughter come from the other end, and it feels like the phantom haunting his microwave is back to make fun of him. “The fuck, Sylvain?”

“Just kidding! But judging by how much time you seem to spend there, you must be beefy.”

“Not really. I’m just a skinny fuck.”

“No definition at all?”

“A little.”

“You can always show off for a more objective impression.”

Felix snorts. “I won’t.”

“Killjoy.” Sylvain sounds like he’s pouting.

“That’s my middle name.”

“Uh-huh. So, movie date with your boss?”

“It’s _not_ a date.”

Sylvain laughs. “I know, I know. Your crush is someone else.”

“Yes, and we’re not going to discuss him.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve since realized those are dangerous waters to… uh, traverse. I wanted to ask which movie you’re seeing.” The statements sound genuine, so Felix gives Sylvain the benefit of the doubt. It’s good he appears interested in wanting to peruse and ascertain what Felix’s crush is like, since that could be a sign of jealousy. And what reason would Sylvain have for being jealous…? Heh.

“Léon. The hitman who teaches this little girl.”

“Oh! Sounds like that’s more your jam than Shrek.”

“It is.”

“So, are you a sucker for found family?”

“I wouldn’t call it that but the notion is nice.”

“Better to pick your family than being cursed with mine…” Sylvain’s back to sulking.

“You all right?” Felix asks, and it comes out softer than intended.

“Y-yes. Sorry. I keep making every conversation about it.”

“You’re stressed out. It’s natural to have an urge to vent.”

“Still. I’m behaving like I’m five years old and not in control of my life nor of my emotions.” Felix, finishing the protein shake, can picture Sylvain running a hand through his hair. Or said hand clasping the back of his neck.

“Sometimes everything’s harder. I’m here if you need someone to listen to your worries.”

“That’s so sweet of you,” Sylvain says and sniffles. He fucking sniffles.

“Hey, are you crying?”

“No?” A nervous, stuttering laugh follows the statement that came out as a question. “Only a little leaky.”

Felix opens his mouth to voice his surprise at Sylvain actually starting to cry in front of him, but closes it again and thinks over it. He deserves something better for letting his guard down, for his trust, for his honesty. Felix’s heart flutters when he says, “I’d give you a hug right now if I could.”

Sylvain sounds somewhat nasal when he replies, “A tight one?”

“Really tight. One arm around your back and my free hand in your hair.”

“I’d lean down a little because you’re smaller.”

“Mhm. So you can nuzzle me and wipe your snotty nose on my shoulder.”

Sylvain laughs. “I want to hold you close for more than comfort.”

A pleasant heat spreads over Felix’s cheeks and through his whole body. “I’m more than just a tissue on two legs?”

“So much more,” Sylvain breathes, making it hard to make out. He clears his throat, perhaps trying to break free of the moment, but Felix revels in it a little longer. He has to meet him. He has to make sure. And then he has to make a plan. “I know you said to ask you before I hug you but I’m a little afraid I’ll end up forgetting after all this and—”

“Just do it. I won’t kick you in the balls for it.”

Sylvain gasps, then laughs. “Seiros, way to ruin the moment.”

“It was getting too sentimental for my liking.”

“I don’t get why you won’t admit you have feelings!”

“I do. But it’s a lot for my pint-sized body.”

Sylvain chuckles. “You’re not that small.”

“You’ll see in two days.”

“Need I bring a magnifying glass?”

Felix snorts. “It’s not that bad.”

“Yeah, you said you’re somewhere in the one seventies.” Sylvain hums a short melody. “One seventy-four.” Of course he’d remember.

“Correct.”

“So if I crane my neck I can rest my chin on your head.”

“What a nice view for me.”

Sylvain laughs. “C’mon, my neck isn’t unsightly.”

“It’ll literally be that way for me this close.” Felix smiles when Sylvain’s laugh becomes louder, more ecstatic.

“The real question is: Would you mind?”

Felix twirls a strand of his hair around a finger. “At some point, I’ll get trouble breathing.” Because so much Sylvain so close to his body will threaten Felix to collapse.

“I won’t cut off your air flow!”

“We’re back talking about these hugs. Sentimentally.”

“You started it.” Felix closes his eyes. He sees Sylvain grin in his mind’s eye. “Both times.”

“And I’ll end it both times.” Felix sits up straight. “I gotta get ready.”

“Oh.” Sylvain sounds sad, and Felix imagines the way his face falls down to the tiniest muscle. Yes, he’s obsessed. “Have fun! Tell me how it was afterwards.”

“I will. Have a nice evening.”

“I have Doro’s novels to keep me company.” Sylvain chuckles. “I’m halfway through the third one now. Super squicky. Well, tell you later about it!”

“Please do.”

“You actually like me going off about literature, huh?”

“I don’t know. I just like listening to you.”

“Awww, Felix. I like listening to you, too.”

Felix smiles. He grabs his phone and walks around his condo to locate everything else he’ll need: keys, clothes, cigs, wallet. “Thank you. For… you know.”

“I think I do.”

“Good enough. I’ll try to be back by midnight.”

“See you then!”

“Yes. Bye.”

“Have fun!”

Felix hangs up. He feeds Cat and places a small kiss on her tiny head, making her stare at him. Then he gets dressed, and, everything in hand and pocket, Felix locks the door behind him, whistling as he makes his way to his car.

* * *

Felix should have seen it coming, he thinks, shoving cheap fries in his mouth and watching Dimitri try and use cutlery on his burger. He should have seen it coming. But he didn’t.

Everything went well at first. Dimitri was already there, waiting for him, letting Felix have a final smoke before the start of the movie. The luxury seating proved to be true to its name. The movie itself wasn’t the easiest to watch—the massacre of Mathilda’s whole family is brutal no matter what, and Felix held Dimitri’s hand through it when he realized the other man craved contact—and left them both feeling decidedly worse for wear. Dimitri was crying through the credit roll, Felix first handing him tissues and then leaning towards him and wiping off the tears from his face. (Yes, he can still cry with his broken eye, and Felix had to shush the theater personnel out to clean up behind Dimitri’s eyepatch in peace.)

Back outside, Felix smoked again. He was distressed as well, but at least he has an unhealthy coping mechanism tasting of disease and death.

In the end, they really drove to a burger joint, Dimitri asking for utensils when inside and breaking three white plastic knives until he was handed a metal one. When the waitress finally leaves them alone, it starts.

“How is Sylvain?” Dimitri asks, and the fries suddenly taste soggy and stale.

“He’s great,” Felix replies, swallowing, chasing the crumbling fries with apple juice. (Stupid burger joint doesn’t have any water apart from tap water whose lead levels shoot through the roof.) “What is this really about?”

“I’m just so worried—”

“Stop it. Just— Just shut up about it.”

“Please hear me out.”

“No.” Felix places the glass on the table with a little too much furor, making it clank, the juice in it threatening to splash over. “I already did. It hurts, having my feelings invalidated like this.”

“This is not why—”

“Shut the fuck up, Dima. I’m old enough.”

Dimitri looks at the burger he performed a post-mortem on, its contents neatly lined up on his plate, starting with the buns and their crumbs, followed by patty, salad, tomato, pickle. He picks at the dissected parts and reluctantly stabs through one piece of each with his fork. “I can’t bear losing you a second time.”

“Then let me live my life. I’m still here. I’m still your friend. But your jealousy, or worry, or whatever it is… It’s poison.” Felix grabs his own burger and tears into it.

Dimitri’s eye moves up again, watching Felix eat. Felix glares back. “What did he say?”

Felix doesn’t bother swallowing before asking, “To what?”

“To your proposal he may not be heterosexual after all.”

Now he does Dimitri the courtesy. “He got confused. Then he changed the subject.”

“This sounds suspicious.”

“You tell me. I also told you I suspect he likes me back.”

Dimitri’s eyebrows draw down and Felix waits for him to walk through his memories. “Ah, yes. On your birthday. I’m sorry, this week has taken its toll on me.”

“What happened?”

“I had a milder episode and missed the less pressing issues at Blue Lions…” Dimitri frowns. “I’ve been doing better since Wednesday, although I feel the need to apologize for being a little out of it still.”

“You could have called.”

“Dedue handled it.” Dimitri’s frown turns into a smile. His statement still hurts somewhat. Their friendship really isn’t what it used to be, from Dimitri’s side as well as Felix’s. “Thank you for your concern. I didn’t want to make you upset.”

“I just mean… you can always come to me if you need someone to talk with.”

“I appreciate it a lot.” Dimitri nods. “Anyway, where were we?”

“Uh, Sylvain maybe being bi-curious?”

“Did you ask him directly?”

“No. But we…” Felix rakes a hand through his hair, then decides to open his hair and retie it. “We video called and he blushes an awful lot. He admitted he’s nervous about it. He said he likes my voice. And that he thinks I’m beautiful. He even stripped for me.”

“He what?!”

“Not completely! Only the shirt.”

Dimitri clears his throat. “I see why you think your feelings may be reciprocated.”

“I’ll see what happens in two days. How he acts in person, if he gives me any more signs. I don’t think he’s quite ready yet.“

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I feel like he needs to see me in real life first, too. Gauge me the way I need to gauge him.” Felix shrugs with one shoulder. “I think he’s been hurt pretty badly in the past.”

“But you don’t know what happened?”

“No. But something’s not right with him. And I need to know before I do something I’ll regret.”

“I see.”

“And I don’t want to end up as another one-night-stand or a trophy or whatever.”

“What if he makes a move?”

“Honestly?” Felix barks a laugh, causing the waitress to look lazily across the room from the counter. Felix waits until she goes back to the novel propped up on her knees. “I’d let him. I’d go along with it.”

“Even if he’d turn out only to be playing with you?”

“Yes. I can’t know that beforehand.” After wiping up his burger’s sauce with his remaining fries, Felix pops them in his mouth. “I don’t get the impression he’s lying to me but if he proves to be an utter asshole, I hope you’ll be there for me. I’d need a good cry and… I shouldn’t be alone when I’m emotionally unstable like this.”

“Of course, Felix!” Dimitri reaches out to him over the table, hand clasping his shoulder. “I’ll always be there for you the way you’re there for me.”

Except for earlier this week. Or really, always, ever since their silent falling out. Felix swallows around the lump forming in his throat, then attempts disintegrating it with the rest of the apple juice. It doesn’t work as well as he hoped, but the wry smile he directs at Dimitri earns him a grateful one in return. “Thanks,” he croaks. Felix clears his throat and tries again. “Thank you.”

Dimitri squeezes his shoulder. “Always. We’re both fairly emotional today.”

“Correct assessment.” Felix pats Dimitri’s hand away and massages his eyelids. “I’m nervous about Sunday.”

“I can still be in the vicinity if—”

“Absolutely not. I’m less afraid of anything happening to me than of bombing this whole thing. I don’t want Sylvain to question his sexuality because of me only to go, ‘Nope,’ and back out of it. For him to stop texting me. For him to stop being a friend.”

“However it’ll go, you still gained something.”

“That’s true.” Felix opens his eyes again. He didn’t notice when, but Dimitri cleared his plate in the meantime. “Let’s call it a day, shall we? I’ll drive you home.”

“Thank you.” Since Dimitri paid for everything up-front, they can leave without holdup. He slides into his cloak, buttoning the front, his eye going back and forth between the task at hand and Felix wrapping himself in warm clothes. “It’s so late already.”

“I wouldn’t be sleeping yet either way.” Cold wind howls outside, making Felix regret he didn’t wear his muffler. He marches over to his car, unlocks it, and slips inside without looking if Dimitri can keep up.

The door to the passenger side opens and closes quickly enough, Dimitri sliding inside in-between. “Do you stay up late regularly?”

Felix starts the car and turns on the heating. He glances over to Dimitri out of the corner of his eyes, finding the other man to be watching him. “You won’t like the truth.”

“I like you thinking you have to hide anything from me less.”

“Okay.” Felix turns his eyes to the windshield and starts driving. “I have problems falling asleep, and I wake up regularly during the night. Not sure if this counts as insomnia already.” Felix smiles wryly. “I’m dozing a lot when I should be asleep.”

“Oh.” Dimitri stays quiet for over a minute before he speaks up again. “Are you plagued by nightmares?”

“Not anymore.” Felix’s eyes flit to Dimitri for a split-second. “Are you?”

“Sometimes.”

Felix’s hand moves from the gearshift to pat Dimitri on the leg, then pulls back. “I know how hard it is to let go. But you should.”

“I can’t just forget and forgive.”

“Forgive whom? Yourself?”

“Yes—”

“We talked about this. I know you feel guilty. But you aren’t responsible.” Felix’s next words come out as soft as he hoped to modulate them. “I don’t blame you for what happened, and I have as much reason as you to be miserable.”

Dimitri sighs. He doesn’t say anything, not now, not for the rest of the ride. Instead, he looks down at his hands folded over his lap

When they’re standing in front of the fenced-off path leading to Dimitri’s house, Felix turns off the motor. He watches Dimitri, waiting for a reaction that doesn’t come, and eventually asks, “Are you all right?”

Dimitri’s head snaps up and around to face Felix. “It’s hard to think about this without my unstable emotions taking control.”

“I… see. Sorry for triggering this. I didn’t intend to make you feel worse.”

“I know. The rational part of me does, at any rate. The emotional one not so much.” Dimitri sighs. “I had hoped to prove capable of keeping you from seeing me like this.”

“I’ve seen you at your worst,” Felix says and regrets it as soon as the words leave his mouth. Dimitri’s eye goes back to his hands, fingers curling, mouth quivering. “This is far from it,” Felix adds, although he doubts he can salvage his mistake so easily.

A shudder goes through Dimitri. “I still feel uncomfortable.”

“I don’t hate you. I never did, no matter how I acted.” Felix unbuckles his seat belt and reaches out for Dimitri’s shoulder. The other man turns, and Felix leans over the center console to envelope him in a hug. “I hang out with you because I like you,” Felix whispers. “With all your faults, or it wouldn’t be you.”

Dimitri needs a moment before he starts shaking and clutching Felix in turn. The embrace is awkward, the gearshift digging into Felix’s side, Dimitri’s right arm unable to come fully around because he’s still buckled, his face rubbing against Felix’s as they part, making him more uncomfortable than he’d like. “Thank you,” Dimitri rumbles, voice subdued and deep.

“Anytime. You’re important. Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t. I just lose sight of it sometimes.”

“Then I hope I nudged you back to look in the right direction.”

“Yes.” Dimitri smiles. “I’m very grateful to you, Felix.”

Felix returns the smile reluctantly. “Will you be all right on your own?”

“I believe so, yes.” Dimitri unbuckles. “I’ll meditate in bed.”

“Call me if you feel worse. I don’t want to leave you like this and then have something happen to you.”

“I’ll be fine.” Dimitri smiles again, his hand clasping Felix’s shoulder. “I’m happy and lucky to count you among my friends.”

“Mhm.” Felix swats Dimitri’s hand away. “Now go. You need your sleep.”

“So do you! Have a nice weekend. Also in regards to Sunday.”

“Thanks.” This smile comes more easily to Felix. “See you on Monday.”

“See you.” Dimitri reaches out again to squeeze Felix’s shoulder one last time. Then he opens the car door and steps outside. Buckling his seatbelt, Felix watches Dimitri and only starts the motor again to drive off once the man has entered his house.

* * *

Cat greets Felix when he arrives home, tail held high, purring. He pats her head and scratches her behind her ears until she rapidly shakes her head, then slips out of his clothes and gets ready for bed in record time. When he’s lying under his sheets, warm and soft and content, Felix checks his phone.

 **Felix:** I’m home

Felix’s eyes must be playing tricks on him because Sylvain starts typing as soon as his thumb hovers over the send button.

 **Sylvain:** I expected u to be back sooner

 **Felix:** What are you? My dad implementing curfew?

 **Sylvain:** What NO

 **Sylvain:** Ive just been waiting for u is all

 **Felix:** Better

 **Felix:** Sorry it took so long. We had “dinner” and then my boss had like a precursor of an episode and I had to calm him down

 **Sylvain:** Oh shit

 **Felix:** Told him to call me if he feels worse but so far he’s been quiet so I guess he went to sleep

 **Sylvain:** Is it about the “something happened” thing?

 **Felix:** Yes and no

 **Felix:** He got worried I’d end up turning my back on him again because of you

 **Felix:** Or I don’t know

 **Felix:** Maybe he meant he’s scared you’ll abduct me or murder me

 **Sylvain:** Saints

 **Felix:** Don’t worry

 **Felix:** He can’t control my life

 **Sylvain:** He can control your income

 **Felix:** It’s not that easy

 **Felix:** Also I feel like I’m doing at least 90% of his job

 **Sylvain:** I see

 **Sylvain:** Anyway

 **Sylvain:** Was the movie fun?

 **Felix:** I enjoyed it

 **Felix:** It’s nice to go out from time to time

 **Sylvain:** Im happy for u. For figuring that out for urself :)

 **Felix:** Ok

 **Felix:** You wanted to tell me about your book

 **Sylvain:** Oh seiros

 **Sylvain:** Third book had this harem

 **Felix:** You’re finished?

 **Sylvain:** Close

 **Sylvain:** About 100 pages left. Final fetch quest in a book that’s started as one big fetch quest

 **Sylvain:** The writing has not improved

 **Sylvain:** Anyway it was incredibly rapey (more so than the other two, and the first one was bad with it already) and it made me sick :(

 **Sylvain:** Also low-key racist if u ask me but im so privileged its sometimes hard to spot and i often feel like i get worked up over nothing

 **Felix:** Ok

 **Sylvain:** Yes anyway

 **Sylvain:** The bad guys like. Sell children into slavery

 **Sylvain:** Sex slavery

 **Felix:** Yikes

 **Sylvain:** And protag got raped by the bad guy so often urgh

 **Sylvain:** One time with a iron rod with spikes on it

 **Felix:** I did not want to know

 **Sylvain:** Yes she bleeds internally but since she’s gifted by the gods to be a masochist she a) loves it and she b) sustains no lasting injuries. She survives no problem

 **Felix:** It’s still awful

 **Sylvain:** Exactly! And i feel like it gets glossed over

 **Sylvain:** Its just

 **Sylvain:** “Oh look heres something even more shocking than what happened in novels 1 and 2! Even tho i reuse my plot :)”

 **Felix:** So you didn’t like it

 **Sylvain:** Not so far

 **Sylvain:** Ill still finish it. 100 pages is doable tomorrow

 **Sylvain:** At theres like

 **Sylvain:** Found family in there too? If everything works out fine

 **Sylvain:** Which is nice

 **Felix:** How so?

 **Sylvain:** Oh theres this kid and he has a shitty mom and he also was kinda part of the harem lol

 **Sylvain:** And he gets adopted by the protag and her boyfriend

 **Sylvain:** And found family always makes me feel warm and fuzzy

 **Sylvain:** But still

 **Sylvain:** 1 star read. 2 if u squint

 **Felix:** Doro will be disappointed

 **Sylvain:** Oh yes

 **Sylvain:** I dont know why she thought id like these books

 **Sylvain:** Im not a fan of glorified physical violence

 **Felix:** I understand

 **Sylvain:** Do u?

Wait. Cat jumps up onto Felix’s chest, knocking the breath out of him. Felix can’t think properly like this. His brain is sluggish and wants him to sleep already. Why does Sylvain have to do this now?

 **Felix:** Are you trying to tell me something?

 **Sylvain:** Maybe u can connect some of the dots before we see each other tomorrow

Right. It’s way past midnight now.

 **Felix:** I’d prefer it if you just told me and didn’t leave me guessing

 **Felix:** I’ll probably end up drawing the wrong conclusions

 **Sylvain:** No, ur smart

 **Sylvain:** But ill tell u

 **Sylvain:** Just not now

 **Sylvain:** Gimme this extra day

Felix sighs. Cat finally curls up, right there on his chest. This’ll be a fun night.

 **Felix:** It won’t make a difference anyway

 **Sylvain:** Thank u

 **Sylvain:** *Hugs u*

 **Felix:** Imagine me hugging you back

 **Sylvain:** YES

 **Sylvain:** I AM

 **Sylvain:** Its GREAT

 **Sylvain:** This is like the first time u participated in this like this

 **Sylvain:** Im crying a little

 **Felix:** You’re crying too much

 **Sylvain:** Ok listen felix

 **Sylvain:** I told u i put the men in sentimental

 **Sylvain:** And when someone shows me they actually like me for my personality in some way or another?

 **Sylvain:** Especially someone whos rather reluctant abt affection like u?

 **Sylvain:** Makes my day a thousandfold

 **Felix:** Honestly at this point I’m more scared of you randomly bursting out in tears and I have no clue what’s going on than by you snuggling up to me with no warning whatsoever

 **Sylvain:** “Snuggling”? I like the sound of that

 **Felix:** See? Caught you redhanded

 **Sylvain:** It sounds so non-threatening

 **Felix:** Shut up

 **Felix:** I’m going to bring tissues and that’s the end of this discussion

 **Sylvain:** Haha okay okay

 **Sylvain:** Also thanks? Thats kinda sweet

 **Felix:** Sylvain

 **Sylvain:** Ill stop ill stop!

 **Sylvain:** So hows lotr? Got more reading done?

 **Felix:** Oh right

 **Felix:** I finished the second novel (not book)

 **Sylvain:** Aaaand?

 **Felix:** It was so much better than the first one

 **Felix:** Things happened

 **Felix:** The fights were cool. I could actually picture them in my head

 **Sylvain:** Oh im so happy u liked it!

 **Felix:** It’s getting dark (death and pain and betrayal and misery. And the spider) and I like this

 **Sylvain:** Ull love the third novel then

 **Felix:** I was prepared for these trees (ents) to turn out to be evil but they were just sad and single like you

 **Sylvain:** Harsh words

 **Felix:** But the songs are still not my thing

 **Sylvain:** Therell be even less in the third iirc

 **Felix:** Good

 **Felix:** I do have to say I did not expect the novels to be this gay

 **Sylvain:** …What?

 **Felix:** Take off your hetero lenses for a second

 **Felix:** Almost the whole cast is comprised of men, especially in the fellowship

 **Sylvain:** Will be someones doom

 **Felix:** Shut fuck up Sylvain I don’t want spoilers

 **Felix:** Shut the fucking fuck up

 **Sylvain:** If ur trying to impress me ur going the wrong way abt it and its cute and i love it

Felix takes a breath deep enough to elevate Cat with the rising of his chest. She doesn’t wake up. His whole face is aflame, and so is the inside of his heaving chest. Clutching his phone tighter, Felix allows himself a few moments to calm down. Sylvain is just like the novel.

 **Felix:** I mean that

 **Felix:** Reading the novel as a man who is romantically interested in other men

 **Felix:** Some of the scenes make me think that these characters may have romantic intentions towards each other

 **Sylvain:** Oh

 **Sylvain:** Uh

 **Sylvain:** Perhaps?

 **Felix:** If Sam and Frodo kissed I would not be surprised

 **Sylvain:** I see

 **Felix:** Or the dwarf and the elf. They got potential

 **Sylvain:** Okay

 **Sylvain:** Now that i think abt it i can see why u would say that

 **Sylvain:** But i dont know what else to say to this

 **Felix:** Did I make you uncomfortable?

 **Sylvain:** Nooo not in the way u think at the very least

 **Sylvain:** I guess im just in awe u can talk abt this so openly

 **Sylvain:** Its admirable

 **Felix:** You’ve given me no reason to hide this part of me

 **Sylvain:** Well u needed forever to come out to me

 **Felix:** It didn’t matter before

 **Felix:** And you were the one who asked

 **Sylvain:** True that

 **Felix:** And I did notice that ever since I told you there have been no more “no homo”s which I appreciate a lot

 **Sylvain:** Relief floods thru me

 **Sylvain:** Ngl i felt so ashamed for doing it :(

 **Felix:** Never do it with anyone ever again

 **Felix:** It was disgusting

 **Sylvain:** Ill learn from my mistake

 **Felix:** You already did since you realized it was shitty and adjusted your behavior accordingly

 **Sylvain:** Did i make u upset with it?

 **Felix:** Yes

For other reasons that will stay undisclosed. For now.

 **Sylvain:** U shouldve just said so

 **Sylvain:** Im so sorry man

 **Felix:** You’re forgiven

 **Sylvain:** I made it awkward again didnt i :(

 **Felix:** A little bit

 **Felix:** Although I guess you’re more distressed than me

 **Sylvain:** I wouldnt call it distress

 **Felix:** You’re allowed to change the subject, you know

 **Sylvain:** Im not a quitter :(

 **Felix:** And I’m the Emperor of Adrestia

 **Sylvain:** Ur not

 **Felix:** Damn right

 **Sylvain:** Okay okay i get it

 **Sylvain:** So hmmm

 **Sylvain:** Im thinking

Felix isn’t. He’s tired as fuck. His eyelids flutter closed all the time, and he’s surprised Cat stays unperturbed despite being yawned at constantly.

 **Sylvain:** Zombies vs vampires

 **Sylvain:** Which r cooler / scarier / better / whatever?

 **Felix:** Zombies are way more terrifying

 **Sylvain:** Funny bc im team vampires

 **Felix:** The fuck are you scared of some sparkly wimps

 **Sylvain:** Theyre super strong and super fast and super sexy

 **Sylvain:** How can u win against them?

 **Felix:** Garlic

 **Sylvain:** Lmao most vampires arent afraid of a little garlic

 **Felix:** Sunlight. Just buy a UV lamp and they’re history

 **Sylvain:** Party pooper

 **Felix:** You mean pragmatist

 **Felix:** Zombies however aren’t “nice” if we can call it that

 **Felix:** They’re simply driven by their need to feed and destroy

 **Felix:** They are reanimated corpses

 **Felix:** That’s spine-chilling

 **Sylvain:** Both vamps and zombies r undead

 **Felix:** And I like zombie stories more? The way the disease spreads. How humanity has to fight to stay what it is. Hope and despair. Survival horror is great

 **Felix:** Have you seen 28 Days Later?

 **Sylvain:** Unfortunately

 **Sylvain:** That was so boring

 **Sylvain:** Sorry felix but that movie couldve been condensed into 30 minutes

 **Sylvain:** Vamps r smart. They have supernatural abilities. And like i said, theyre *fast*. They easily outpace u while ur stupid zombies lose a leg and crawl after u at 100 meters per hour

Felix snorts. He shuffles in his bed, trying to sit up without disturbing Cat, finally making her wake up with another yawn. Like hell is he going to sleep without making Sylvain understand how wrong he is.

 **Felix:** They’re much more infectious. They get one human, bam, two zombies. Bite another, even more. They come in masses

 **Felix:** And they don’t need their brain to work. They’re driven by the lowliest of needs. You blast off their head? They don’t give a fuck. Just keep walking or crawling until they have you

 **Sylvain:** You wouldnt even hit a vampire bc too fast

 **Sylvain:** Depending on their individual abilities (i mean theres thousands of vampire stories around and every one reinvents vampires to fit their own visions) they can disintegrate into dust or a colony of bats

 **Sylvain:** They usually come with super healing (at the very least healing thru feeding) so the damage u manage to deal isn’t even permanent

 **Sylvain:** Modern vampires need more than a bite to infect (sometimes even whole rituals) so they wont wipe out the whole of humanity on accident

 **Sylvain:** U know. Their food

 **Sylvain:** They plan

 **Sylvain:** U never know when theyll strike

 **Felix:** That’s exactly what makes them so boring

 **Felix:** And they’re confined to being in the dark which is just not a problem in our modern day anymore

 **Felix:** Maybe for you in the woods. But the city never sleeps

 **Sylvain:** Zombies r ugly af

 **Felix:** You just want to bone a vampire

 **Felix:** Admit it

 **Sylvain:** I

 **Felix:** Sexy Count Orlok

 **Sylvain:** He has strong eyebrows and i respect that

A grin spreads over Felix’s face.

 **Felix:** Heh

 **Sylvain:** What? :(

 **Felix:** I thought you’d get worked up over me suggesting a male vampire as potential lover

 **Sylvain:** Im trying to be more open-minded!!!

 **Felix:** Sure. If Orlok is your type then I’m not surprised you tried to keep this secret

 **Sylvain:** U and doro r making my life a living hell

 **Felix:** Give her my regards

 **Sylvain:** Felix: f for fiend, e for evil, l for left-handed (in the sense of sinister), i for inimical, x for xanthippe

The grin evolves into a chuckle, only broken by Felix’s yawn.

 **Felix:** The x was smart

Felix rubs at his eyes.

 **Sylvain:** Thanks

 **Felix:** Any last words before I go to sleep?

 **Sylvain:** What this is sudden :(

 **Felix:** I’ve been yawning for at least an hour now

 **Sylvain:** Oh

 **Sylvain:** Sorry for keeping u up

 **Felix:** I offered

 **Felix:** Sorry I’m failing to pull through

 **Sylvain:** Nah that was more than enough! Every second with u is precious

 **Felix:** Don’t get weird again

 **Sylvain:** Just let me love u :(

What a great way to phrase this. Felix swallows, trying to keep from grinning and rolling all over the place.

 **Felix:** Fine

 **Felix:** We can text when I’m back up

 **Sylvain:** Yay!!!

 **Felix:** Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the vampires bite

 **Sylvain:** Pfffffff

 **Sylvain:** Sleep well too <3

Still giddy, Felix places his phone face-down on his nightstand. He’ll take forever to fall asleep with the way his heart is racing and the way the positive feelings are rushing through his whole body, reanimating his limbs, and of course his brain. Pulling Cat closer to him, he presses her against his chest to counter the urge to hug a certain someone tightly right now.

Felix can’t remember the last time he’d been so out of it. What Sylvain makes him feel is scary, but above all, it’s wonderful.


	22. Day 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The big day is finally here...!  
> And with 'big', I mean that this chapter clocks in at over 22k words. There are no scene breaks. This is just one long motherfucker. My writing program gives out an average reading time just shy of one and a half hours for a single go, so please make sure you have ample time, are comfortably situated, and have a glass of water in reach!  
> Everything good? Then buckle your seat belt and enjoy the ride!!

The day is sunny and bright and warm for February 28 in Fhirdiad, Faerghus, but Felix is not going to complain unless this turns out to be another one of those days starting breathtaking and ending as absolute disaster. He’s standing in front of the café he’s supposed to meet Sylvain at, enjoying a final smoke for coping and calming, eyes darting to and fro among the faces of strangers.

Felix sports what he decided he feels comfortable in today, and much more so with Sylvain (hopefully) appraising him: one of Glenn’s old hoodies Felix never grew into, baggy on his lithe frame, contrasting with jeans that never fit this tightly (working out has its downs too apparently, or perhaps it counts as an up, depending on a certain someone’s reaction), feet sunk deep into a pair of boots that gain Felix a whopping three extra centimeters. A blue bandana hugs his neck tightly because Felix nicked said neck while shaving and does not need to show off his skills with razorblades just yet. He scooped up his hair into a messy bun but it holds most the back of his hair away from his neck and from tangling in the bandana’s knot, and that’s all that counts today.

Once the cigarette’s all burned up and disposed of the way Dimitri would approve, Felix starts pacing. His hand digs into his pants’ front pocket to fish out his phone. Nothing he missed. Sylvain assured him he’d be here in five. Five what? Certainly not minutes since it’s been seven already.

They had agreed to meet at one thirty in the afternoon, at the front entrance of the café Felix is patrolling, and now the non-existent minute hand travels to thirty-three, then thirty-four, thirty-five. The pacing or the cig or the apprehension is making Felix nauseous, and he looks around for a place to sit down and press his hands together to keep them from shaking.

That’s when he spots a flash of red, and his heart stutters to a halt the same moment Felix stops in his tracks. It’s Sylvain he sees with that huge silver dog on a leash, Felix is certain, and he turns in his direction to watch him. Sylvain wears sneakers and ripped black jeans held up by a black leather belt, a short-sleeved, white t-shirt with a splash of color in the middle advertising a band or a brand, and under it something with long sleeves striped red and black. A black messenger bag with white print is strapped over one of his shoulders. Sylvain’s hair is a mess, as expected. Dark aviator sunglasses hide his eyes. The tattoo peeks out on his hand adorned with its fair share of rings, and on his neck. Shit. He’s this close already.

Felix nods towards Sylvain to acknowledge he’s spotted him. Sylvain grins back, teeth flashing whiter than his t-shirt. He checks the street for traffic and comes jogging over, Lex falling into step without prompting. And then they’re standing in front of Felix, who’s suddenly very aware he may reek of smoke and whose hair may be a mess, too, but not in the controlled and fashionable way Sylvain’s hair is, and maybe he’s squinting because unlike Sylvain he did not come equipped with sunglasses.

“Hey,” Sylvain says, smile still blinding. A hand clasps the back of his neck. “You’re Felix, right? Not that I make a fool outta myself by talking to the wrong person here.”

“Hi. And yes.” Before Sylvain can pull him into the inevitable hug, Felix crouches down to hide his shaking legs. Face-to-face with Lex, Felix says, “You must be Alexander the Great.” The dog blinks at him, sits down on his haunches, and opens his mouth to pant.

Sylvain laughs. “Shit man, I thought you forgot.”

Felix looks up in time to see Sylvain take off his sunglasses and put them in a case he fetched from his bag. The sunlight catches in his hair and makes it look like it’s burning. “Can I pet him?”

“Sure. Just let him sniff your hand first.”

“Consent is important.” Felix’s eyes are back on Lex. He holds out his hand, the dog’s whiskers tickling his skin when Lex leans forward to get a good whiff of him.

“You got it. Especially if you stink like cat.”

Felix snorts and reaches over to pat Lex on the head. His fur is as soft as it looks. Lucky boy. Felix leans a little closer to scratch him behind the ears, then grows bolder and scratches the dog’s chin, too. “I wish I’d brought a treat.”

“Wait. I came prepared.” Sylvain rummages around in his messenger bag, retrieving a small box. He hands it to Felix who makes sure their fingers don’t brush accidentally. “It’s better if you let him eat out of your hand than from your fingers. Like, he doesn’t bite on purpose but I don’t want him to ruin this day for us because we decided to be careless.”

“Got it.” Felix opens the box and takes out a single treat. He can feel Lex’s eyes on him even before he looks back and confirms that, yes, he has the dog’s whole attention now, what with Lex’s ears perked forward, his eyes going big, his mouth closing. He holds out the hand with the treat like a small bowl and Lex sniffs at Felix’s hand again before going for the treat. Yes, he slobbers, but Felix expected worse.

“He can also give you his paw! Just circle your hand around his head and he’ll hold out the right front paw. And then he’ll clap you low five.”

After moving the box to his other hand, Felix tries it out. And indeed, Lex raises his right paw and touches it to Felix’s hand briefly. “Thank you,” he says, low enough for strangers not to listen in. He’s sure Sylvain heard, though, although he doesn’t say anything. “Here are your treats.” Felix pushes himself back up to his feet and hands the box back.

Sylvain makes sure their fingers brush.

A jolt goes through Felix that Sylvain hopefully misses because he’s busy replacing the box and zipping the bag back shut. Felix watches out for sudden movements, but Sylvain remains calm for now. “So, how are you?” he asks.

“Fine. I’m,” _so many things besides and that are certainly not_ , “fine, yes. And you?”

“Really great!” Sylvain grins. Felix tilts his head to get a better look at the tattoo on Sylvain’s neck because his smiles are blinding and not good for Felix’s heart. “I’m sorry we were a little late. Had to take a quick detour because Lex kept pissing against every single street lantern we passed.” The tattoo on Sylvain’s neck is vibrant, much more colorful than what Felix saw on camera so far, with different hues of green running into black and red and pink. It’s not photorealistic but takes a semi-comic approach with colored outlines a few shades darker than what is filled in. Sylvain clears his throat, and Felix looks back to him to find himself lost in the other man’s eyes. There’s more color in them than in the tattoo if that’s possible, more shades of brown than Felix knew existed running into each other, light and dark specks of them giving depth and life. “Hug?” Sylvain asks, voice quiet and raspy.

“Hug.”

Felix isn’t sure how to start exactly, and neither if he imagines the slight tremor to Sylvain’s arms as they reach around with less hesitation. Felix steps closer to him, raising his head so he can rest his chin on Sylvain’s right shoulder, right next to his tattoo. Sylvain’s hair tickles Felix’s face, and it feels soft against his cheek. With both of his arms wrapped around Felix now, Sylvain pulls him closer to himself, their chests bumping against each other’s. Sylvain nuzzles his fucking head against Felix’s cheek, so Felix guesses it’s all right then to tighten an arm around Sylvain and snake the other hand into his hair. Which really feels soft as feathers.

Closing his eyes, Felix relaxes into Sylvain’s hold and savors the moment.

He notices small things: Sylvain smells like freshly done laundry, his detergent organic and not chemical. A spiciness clings to him, of baked apples and cinnamon and dried oranges, as if he just walked out of a winter Faerghus bakery. It’s different from what Felix expected—a strong aftershave that makes his nose tingle, and too much deodorant, and a musky perfume whose tang is unnatural above all else—and he’s taken aback at his own faulty characterization.

Then there’s a soft, light hum, almost inaudible, but certainly coming from Sylvain. It’s not a song, no, it’s pure pleasure at the moment he’s finding himself in, and that paints a smile onto Felix’s lips.

He is certain he can feel Sylvain’s heartbeat vibrate against his chest, nervous and erratic and echoing Felix’s own. First it’s Sylvain’s arms and the way they wind around Felix, then it’s how his fingers dig into his sides, and then it’s Sylvain rubbing his face against Felix’s like he’s a cat trying to leave its scent everywhere, that Felix is aware of the strongest.

His breath hitches from their closeness, and Felix opens his eyes to find the first people glancing uneasily at them as they pass. How long have they been at it? Felix can’t tell. Lex lies patiently next to them, yet Felix begins to feel uneasy from the passers-by. He slackens his hold on Sylvain, his hand sinking from his hair and trailing along his back, when Sylvain tightens his arms around him. “Not yet,” he whispers, and Felix gives him the extra minute or two or three or twenty that Sylvain needs to feel him before he lets go.

Sylvain clears his throat when he steps back. He reaches for his eyes, wiping a finger against each. His face is flushed. “Were you crying?” Felix asks, trying to modulate his voice to be soft but it comes out like a rasp. He clears his throat as well.

“From happiness.”

Felix mirrors Sylvain’s careful smile. “That hug was intense.”

“It was better than I envisioned it to be.”

“How many times did you dream about it?”

Sylvain smiles shyly, one hand again at the back of his neck. “Way too often. But having you really there, in my arms…” His fingers twitch. “It was something else. Thank you.”

“You liked it?” Felix allows himself a grin.

“I loved it.” A grin spreads over Sylvain’s face as well, lighting up his eyes, the small scar on his upper lip shining, his too-perfect teeth gleaming. He nods his face at the café entrance. “Let’s go inside.”

“Yes.” Felix reaches the door first, holding it open for Sylvain who has Lex’s leash in one hand and carries his messenger bag slung over his left shoulder.

“Quite the gentleman, huh,” Sylvain says as he passes Felix.

“You just look like you could need it.” Felix lets Sylvain take a few steps inside before he catches up to him. He _really_ has a nice ass, his tight jeans making sure to show it off. “Look, there’s a free table back there.” Felix points to a table at the back of the café, one chair’s backrest facing the wall. That’ll be his seat.

“Sure.” Felix makes sure he arrives at the table before Sylvain so he gets the pick of where to sit. Sylvain doesn’t appear to have a problem with his back exposed to the hustle and bustle of the café, Lex lying down under the table without being prompted. Sylvain settles into the chair as easily as his smile settles on his face. “Let’s look through the menu,” he says, grabbing the one placed on the table.

“I already know what I’m having.”

“Yeah?” Sylvain leafs through the big laminated pages, taking his time to size up each picture and the ingredients.

“They have coffee mixed with tea here.”

“Like Yuenyeung?”

Felix raises an eyebrow in confusion. “I don’t know what that is.”

“Probably too sweet for you.” Sylvain turns a page. “There’s sweetened milk in there.”

“I prefer my coffee black.”

“Like your soul?”

“This what it feels like to stare down that hole, eh?” Felix grins and is delighted to see Sylvain lower the menu and grin back.

“It’s not so bad because something stares back.”

“That makes it worse.”

“Lemme quote Britney,” is all the warning Felix gets before Sylvain breaks out singing so low it’s barely above a whisper, “ _You’re dangerous, I’m loving it_.” His voice catches on the last two words and cracks, causing Sylvain to clear his throat. A blush colors in his cheeks. “Sorry. Usually I sing really loud but I don’t think you’d like the attention.”

“You’re right, I don’t.”

Felix is relieved once Sylvain stops looking at him and goes back to the menu. He keeps humming the tune of _Toxic_ under his breath, quiet enough it’s only for Felix’s ears’ pleasure. Because, damn, Sylvain was underselling his talent when he said he could ‘carry a tune’. He sounds like he could win _X_ _Factor_ if he wanted. “Is the Oreo milkshake any good?” Sylvain asks suddenly, snapping Felix out of his thoughts. “You probably wouldn’t know.”

“I don’t. My brother liked it, though.”

“Then I’ll try it. Wanna share a plate with pancakes? They’re non-sugar and you can pick if you want chocolate as topping or jam or sour cream or bacon.”

“Bacon sounds nice.”

Sylvain chuckles. “I knew it. You’re like Ingrid.”

“What do you mean?”

After closing the menu and placing it on the table, Sylvain links his fingers and rests his chin on top of them. “Meat aficionados.”

“It tastes great.”

“Not Lex’s food. Trust me, I tried it.”

“Ew.” Felix grins. “You’re disgusting, too.”

Sylvain’s eyes shine. “Never said I wasn’t.” He turns in his seat and, watching the waitresses, he waves one of them over. And it’s like someone flicked a switch and Sylvain is now a wholly different person.

Felix’s face falls. Perhaps he really was just imagining things these past two weeks.

“Hey there,” Sylvain says, sitting up straight, eyes only for the waitress. Felix doesn’t miss how they linger on her boobs before traveling up to her face. “We’d like to order.”

The waitress pulls a pencil out of her bun and pushes its tip against the small notepad in her other hand. “Already decided what?”

“Mhm. I’d like to try this Oreo milkshake. Or would you rather recommend anything else? I’m new here.” Shit. Is he flirting with her on Felix’s watch?

“Oh, it’s great! We sometimes have it in the back.” She nods towards the bar behind which a door leads off into the employee area.

“Nice, then the Oreo shake for me.”

“Mhm.” The waitress scribbles something onto her notepad and thankfully turns towards Felix. “And what would you like?”

“Coffee with tea. The fifty-fifty thing. Nothing else in there, no sugar, no milk, no cream.”

“Big one or regular?”

“Big.”

“Anything else?”

“Oh yeah,” Sylvain says. “We want to share a pancake plate if that’s possible,” and here he puts on a smile that looks both unbelievably charming and incredibly fake. Felix releases a tensed breath. So far he’s not seen one of those directed at him. “Me with strawberry jam. And you?” Sylvain turns to Felix, and Sylvain’s whole face relaxes, the smile losing some of its edge, his eyes softening and crinkling at the corners. Yes. Felix’s been getting worked up over nothing.

“Bacon.”

“Can do.” The waitress again scribbles onto her notepad. “That’s it?”

“Oh,” Sylvain turns back to her, smile hardening once again, “if you could fetch some water for this guy here.” He nods his head at the table under which Lex sleeps.

“Wow, he’s so well-behaved! I didn’t even notice him!”

“Thanks. Took a lot of work.”

“I’ll be back with a bowl for him right away.” With that, the waitress turns and leaves.

“Were you checking her out?” Felix asks because he needs to make sure. After all, he’s been calculating and readjusting his solutions and trying to find out if he’s save to make a move. Eventually. Not today.

“I thought you’d understand what it’s like to want to see some tit.”

Felix composes his expression carefully. “That’s not the same.”

Sylvain smirks, self-assured and smug and sexy. He rests his face on one hand, elbow propped up on the table. “So, how d’ya like my insta? Enough tit for you there?”

Okay. Felix fails. His face is burning and he digs his fingernails into the table surface. “How did you know?”

“I didn’t. Educated guess.”

And he walked right into a trap again. “Fuck you.”

Sylvain’s grin falters, but it’s back fast. Now it looks forced. The waitress returns with a bowl of water she places close to Lex’s head. Sylvain’s shake is followed by Felix’s coffee-and-tea combo on the table. “Everything all right?” she asks.

Felix’s reins in some of the miasma he’s polluted the air with. “Perfectly.”

“We’re good,” Sylvain says, his fake grin turned onto the waitress.

“All right! I’ll be back shortly with your pancakes!” And she’s gone.

Twirling a strand of his hair around a finger, Sylvain turns his gaze back to Felix. Sylvain’s expression smoothes out into something neutral and careful, the smile gone from his lips and the twinkle from his eyes. “You mad at me?”

“A little.” Felix rubs his temples. “You weren’t supposed to find out. What gave it away?”

“Remember when you wanted to see my massive man tits on Wednesday?”

“Yes…”

“Right. And you tried to redirect the attention to my tat but you seemed so uninterested in it even though I never sent you anything where you could see more than this part.” Sylvain taps against his neck. “So I figured you already knew what it looked like.”

Felix takes a calculated sip from his coffee-and-tea. “You told me your whole arm is tattooed.”

“But you didn’t know the motif and the flowers are here.” Sylvain rolls up his right sleeve. The stem of the single rose on the back of his hand winds around his wrist and loses itself in a whole bush of red and pink petals, interspersed with razored leaves and sharp-edged thorns. “Most people are at least a little, hmmm, not disturbed but certainly taken by surprise when they see a grown-ass man covered in pink petals.”

“It’s not just pink.” Felix leans forward over the table to get a closer look, scan what he sees, so to speak, to perfect the virtual Sylvain in his head. “Do you have to shave the arm?”

“I prefer waxing. Once a month.” A smile, a real one, is back on Sylvain’s face. “Red hair clashes a little with the green.” He nudges his arm closer. “Wanna touch? My skin is baby smooth.”

Felix rolls his eyes but his curiosity gets the better of him. And he won’t say no to being allowed to touch Sylvain for free. Felix carefully slides his fingers across Sylvain’s skin—smooth like he promised, and very warm—and is somewhat disappointed to find it feels exactly like regular skin. “I thought the texture would be different,” he says, picking one of the vines and tracing it up Sylvain’s arm to the rim of his sleeve.

“Hey guys, I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” the waitress says, “but I got your pancakes and toppings. Oh, and nice tat!”

Perfect opportunity for Felix to retract his hand and pretend he didn’t get excited. His mood’s back to swinging like a pendulum, he realizes, watching the waitress wordlessly place a plate heaping pancakes along with their toppings in the middle of the table. Then follow smaller plates and utensils for Sylvain and Felix, respectively. Yes. Sylvain gets served first. Again.

“Thanks,” Sylvain says, flashing her another smile that is grateful on the surface and staged underneath.

Reading the moment, the waitress wishes them to “Enjoy your meals!” and then vanishes for good. Lex must have woken up from the small commotion, now greedily slobbering up his water.

“Goooing back to where we left off,” Sylvain says, reaching under the table to pet his dog, “tattoos only feel different from normal skin if they’re new because, hey, it’s technically an injury, or if there’s something wrong with it.”

“Okay. You got it during your time in Enbarr, right?”

“Yap. Whenever I visit, I’ll have my artist add a bit more.”

Nice. Something to look forward to in the future. “Does it hurt?”

“It’s always painful. The arm was all right for the most part but the wrist hurt and the elbow pit was agonizing.” Sylvain chuckles. “Yeah, I cried. The neck was all right compared to that. The part on the back was pure torture.”

“Because it’s a cover-up?”

“That might’ve played a part. But I meant there’s just lots of nerve endings there so more pain registered. And I’m tender.” Sylvain touches the back of his neck.

“I see.”

“Do you have any body mods?”

“No. It’s unprofessional.”

Sylvain laughs. “I take it that means you don’t want any, either.”

“It’s a case where I prefer appreciating on others over having myself.” Felix helps himself to one of the pancakes. The bacon is making his mouth water.

“So, you like my tat?” Sylvain brandishes his arm before rolling his sleeve back down, then scoops a pancake onto his plate as well.

“Yes.”

“And my insta?”

Felix stuffs his face and watches Sylvain do the same, chews carefully, thinks about how he’ll phrase this. “See, it’s not really you on there. It’s just attention whoring. People superficially like you, but what you present there is only a small slice of who you really are. It’s… curated.”

Sylvain smiles. “Then why did you go scoop there?”

“I don’t know. Curiosity? I googled your name and it came up and I clicked through the pictures.” Felix hopes Sylvain won’t see through the half-truth. He sips at his coffee-and-tea, watching Sylvain methodically cut his pancake into small squares he dips into the jam. Felix eats his another way: After covering them in bacon, he rolls them up and forgoes the utensils to shove the tube into his mouth.

“Fair enough,” Sylvain says. “But if you saw my pictures on there, then you really gotta deliver with selfies now.”

“Keep dreaming.”

Dejection crosses Sylvain’s features for a split-second. He navigates the drinking straw from his shake into his mouth and sucks on it. His eyes light up. “Holy shit. This is so good.” Sylvain nudges the tumbler closer to Felix. “You have to try it too.”

“No. I won’t like it.”

“Pretty please, Felix.” Sylvain lowers his head to make himself appear smaller. His eyes are suddenly enormous and his bottom lip quivers in a pout.

Saints. Felix can’t take this pre-school BS. He sticks the straw between his lips and pulls a nasty mix of crushed ice, milk, something unidentifiable but way too sweet, and crumbs of Oreo into his mouth. His face must say it all because Sylvain breaks out laughing and quickly takes the tumbler back. “It sucks,” Felix says and wipes the back of his hand across his lips.

“Well, it was worth a shot.” Sylvain shrugs and finishes the abominable beverage in one determined go. Felix gets uneasy under his gaze and preoccupies himself with placing bacon on his pancake. He rolls it up, eyes only flicking back when Sylvain says, “I waited for the perfect opportunity for this but I think we long passed it.”

“Passed what?”

“I’m trying to tell you that I got you something.”

“What do you mean?”

“A li’l welcome present.” Sylvain is already rummaging around in his messenger bag.

Shit. Fuck. Felix came totally unprepared, the only things his pockets his wallet, keys, phone, tissues, lighter, and cigs. Sylvain, on the other hand, thought of everything. And now he slides something small and rectangular across the table, wrapped in white paper with cartoon cats on it. Felix looks at the present. Then at Sylvain. “I don’t know what to say.”

“‘Thank you’ is generally accepted.” Sylvain smiles, honest and warm. “It’s nothing special.”

“I don’t have anything for you.”

Sylvain waves a hand. “Don’t worry about it. Maybe there’ll be a next time?”

Felix raises an eyebrow. “Likely.”

Sylvain’s smile turns beatific. “Now open it! I want to see your reaction.”

“Please tell me it’s not condoms or—”

“No! Nothing weird or sexy or… you know.”

Felix does not like the way he has to steady his hands when he picks at the adhesive. Sylvain finishes the heap of pancakes in the meantime since Felix takes an eternity to open the present with care and not damage any of the cats on the paper. He pries a chocolate bar wrapped in colorful paper from it. Turning it around to read the label, Felix asks, “Chocolate?”

“With chili. Like you said you could see yourself enjoying.”

Sylvain remembered. Felix’s heart swells when he looks back up into those eyes too big and bright and beautiful. “Thank you,” he whispers. While Felix won’t grin giddily like Sylvain, he can mirror some of his energy in a careful smile.

“Happy?”

“Yes. I already forgot I mentioned it.”

“You have to tell me if you liked it!”

“I will.” Felix slides the chocolate back into the wrapping paper. He has nowhere else to put it but the kangaroo pocket of his hoodie so this is where it goes. “You probably took great care to pick this paper to wrap it in.”

“Yeah, I bought it especially for you.” A light blush paints Sylvain’s cheeks and his hand finds its way to the back of his neck. “It seemed like something you would like.”

“It’s… not bad.”

“Compliments aren’t your style, huh?”

“You’re noticing that only now?”

Sylvain chuckles. Felix smiles. He’s enjoying the moment, having Sylvain look at him as though he’s a beacon of light in the dark when the waitress returns again and ruins it all. “Everything good?” she asks.

Felix doesn’t even try to mask his irritation. The same moment Sylvain goes, “Yes!” with his toothy smile at her, Felix says, “I’d like to pay.”

“Sure,” the waitress says, bringing up her notepad and scribbling on it. “Separately or everything?”

“Everything.” Wallet already in hand, Felix leafs through his cash.

“That’ll be a round 25.”

Felix slaps 35 bucks on the table and stands up. “It tasted good. Thanks for the service.”

Sylvain reluctantly gets up as well, strapping his messenger bag over one shoulder and grabbing Lex’s leash. “Yes, thank you! I’ll be sure to come again.” He forces a smile easily, and waits for the waitress to leave until he turns to Felix. “Two things.”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry for being an asshole.”

“I agree you could’ve been nicer to her.” Sylvain gives Felix a small smile. “But I meant two other things.”

“What?”

“One, thanks for paying?”

“You’re my guest today.”

“Thank you.” Sylvain reaches out and squeezes Felix’s shoulder. The touch burns through his clothes and sears his skin. “Two: I really need to pee and it’d be great if you could hold onto my stuff.”

“Okay.”

“Again, thank you.” Sylvain sighs with relief and hands Felix both his bag and his dog.

“I’ll be waiting outside.”

Sylvain nods at him, still smiling, and is off to the toilets. Felix expects Lex to at the very least whine if not outright refuse to move a single centimeter, but the dog follows Felix outside. Then he sits down, head turned towards the café, and does his best to become an unmovable object. Felix crouches down to scratch him some more between his ears. Lex gives no reaction, but that’s better than being growled at, Felix guesses, and continues.

It’s crazy how Sylvain just trusts him with his dog and with who knows what’s in his bag. (Car keys? Wallet? Phone?) A comfortable warmth spreads through Felix at the thought. Perhaps he shouldn’t have turned up his bitch dial because he got jealous over a waitress who just did her job.

Then Sylvain emerges. Felix stands back up, and Lex gets up too to wag his tail, but he stays at Felix’s side, waiting for Sylvain to reach them. “Thanks, man.” He takes back his bag and the leash. “You’re the best.”

“You’re easy to please,” Felix replies, rummaging through his pockets. He’s itching for a smoke. “You said you don’t mind, right?”

“Go ahead.” The stupid lighter needs three tries to catch. “I’m glad I’m not stuttering. I’m nervous, too, you know.”

The smoke in Felix’s lungs feels great. “You keep blushing.”

Laughing a little, another blush creeping up his neck, Sylvain says, “So do you.”

What? Felix was sure he had it under control. “Shit.”

“Don’t feel bad about it. It’s a weird situation.”

“Good weird?”

“For me, yeah. And you?”

“Mhm. Same.”

Sylvain hums happily, another one of these wonderful smiles on his face. One of his hands travels to the back of his neck. “Since the weather’s so nice, I thought we could take a stroll in the park?”

“Sounds good.” And wasn’t that the plan anyway? Felix starts walking, turning his head to see Sylvain (and Lex) fall into step beside him. Sylvain rummages through his bag and puts his sunglasses back on. “Are you in Fhirdiad often?”

“I used to come here a lot when I was back from Adrestia. It’s nice to spend a weekend here, shopping, going to concerts, just be somewhere where there’s other people. Living alone gets lonely fast.” Sylvain flashes Felix a wry smile, and he’s uncertain whether it’s supposed to accompany Sylvain’s previous or his following statement. “And, well, getting wasted used to be one of my pastimes.”

“I’ve done that, too, you know.”

“Getting wasted?”

“And literally fucking around, yes.”

“Incidentally, when was the last time you hooked up with someone?”

Felix runs a hand through his hair, then quickly retracts it when his bun threatens to loosen. “I don’t remember.”

“That’s a sign it’s been too long.” Sylvain grins.

“Probably. But then the crush business came up and now I’m not really interested in getting to know anyone else.”

“What a nice way to phrase it.” Lex sits down without prompt as they wait for a red light to turn green. “Is it only because of your crush?”

“I don’t know, I just started feeling uncomfortable being naked around strangers.” Felix disposes of his cigarette butt, and either Sylvain doesn’t notice or he doesn’t care of Felix’s methods: letting it fall to the asphalt and smearing it out with his heel.

Sylvain laughs. “Most people already feel like this once they hit puberty.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “And then they get over it, but it came back for me.” The light turns green and they cross the street. “You know, from what you told me, I’d expected Lex to be a nuisance.”

“I also told you he’s trained!” A whine creeps into Sylvain’s voice. Hit a sore spot, huh?

“I thought that means he’s housebroken. Mostly.” Sylvain gasps. Felix can’t keep from grinning. “Which is why you won’t let your emotional support poop machine in your future treehouse.”

Sylvain stops dead in his tracks. Lex sits down next to him, looking up at him, head tilted to the side. “You didn’t just say this out loud, to me, in real life, in the middle of the street.”

“I did and I would do so again.” Doubt spreads through Felix at first—he’s probably overstepped and now Sylvain doesn’t ever want to hang out with him again. But then Sylvain breaks out laughing so hard that people stare at him. He doesn’t give a fuck, even pulls off his sunglasses to wipe at his eyes. So the doubt makes way for something else entirely that sees Felix grin and has him short of joining Sylvain.

Then Sylvain’s eyes fix on him and his wheezing devolves into a huge grin that has his eyes sparkling. “I want to hug you real hard.”

Felix wants to scowl and keeps grinning stupidly, even throwing in a blush for good measure. Yap. So not giving away who’s the object of his sleepless nights spent looking through his Sylvain stash. “I’m standing right here.” Felix even raises and spreads his arms as invitation. Sylvain takes him up on it immediately, stepping into Felix’s personal space bubble and crushing him to his chest with more force than toilet humor warrants. Felix wraps his arms around Sylvain, giving him a squeeze and a pat on his back before ducking out of his embrace.

“I remember you saying hugging makes you uncomfortable,” Sylvain says, putting his sunglasses on again and then jogging up to Felix who started walking away from him already. “Is that still true?”

“Not in your case.”

“Good! I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”

“I’m only doing what I want.”

“Soft Felix,” Sylvain gurgles, yes, _gurgles_ like a baby. Felix opts to ignore him and stay silent.

Fhirdiad State looms into sight, a massive patch of green spreading out between an abandoned and overgrown parking lot to its right and one of the ugliest buildings in the city to its left—a nursing home looking like the bastard child of an abandoned asylum and the Leaning Tower, complete with a low-budget graffiti job consisting of creative applications of vulgarity and pictures showing you where to stick your dick disfiguring its façade. Better not focus on this atrocity like Sylvain does.

“I don’t think I ever entered from here,” he says. His phone was not in his messenger bag because he fishes it out of his pants’ front pocket. It’s smaller than Felix’s, and Felix refuses to walk around with these breadboards disguising as phones, which mean’s Sylvain’s tiny. Sylvain walks as close to the building as he feels comfortable leaving Felix (which isn’t much) and takes a few pictures.

“You probably won’t believe me when I tell you this is a nursing home.”

“When I’m old I want to end up here.”

“I don’t.” Felix turns and enters the park, Sylvain and Lex jogging to catch up to him. “But with my chances I’ll be lucky if I hit 50.”

“What do you mean?”

Felix’s mouth draws into a thin line. He stares straight ahead and buries his hands in the hoodie’s pocket. “My mom died in her thirties. Cancer. I don’t remember which type, or if they ever told me. My dad had an arterial thrombosis when he was 57 and dropped dead. Heart attack.”

“Shit, dude.”

“Mhm. And here I am, smoking and likely drinking too much beer and a workaholic and low-key insomniac.”

“You should stop.” Sylvain’s hand knocks against Felix’s, and for a heartbeat he thinks Sylvain is going to grab his hand. Then Sylvain’s hand moves to Felix’s shoulder and squeezes. “Cheat death for a little while longer. I don’t want to lose you over something you could’ve prevented.” Felix shrugs. The hand stays. “Sorry if I made you upset. I’d just wanted to crack a silly joke at us rooming together in there since the nurses are going to make sure someone with my reputation won’t room with his other two friends, which happen to be ladies.”

“I’d rather be dead than move into this hideous building.”

Sylvain squeezes his shoulder once more, chuckling, then removes his hand. It knocks against Felix’s again. “You gotta admit it does look unique.”

“‘Unique’ is a nice way to say ‘fucking ugly’.”

Sylvain laughs. “Saw through that one, huh.”

“Mhm. Can’t fool me.” That’s not true, and Felix wouldn’t be surprised if Sylvain knew. Yet Felix is feeling comfortable around him to a degree he only dreamed but wouldn’t have found possible this fast and easily. Lex has been holding them up a few times throughout their stroll around the park when Felix asks, “You’ve been to Fhirdiad a couple times before. But you don’t know the city like the back of your hand, right?”

“I don’t. You trying to abduct me?”

“I’m just not that fond of people.” Case in point, there are too many people out for Felix’s taste today. He raises his head some and picks out a marker he steers towards. “I used to go exploring a lot with my brother. Or my boss. I know a lot of quiet, secluded places in the city.”

“Are they secret?”

“Not really, but I don’t think many people know about them. You’re the first person I share one with in years.”

“Okay, that got me feeling special enough.” Felix glances to Sylvain to see him smile.

Together they enter a hidden track amongst trees, climb over one knocked over by one of the typical Faerghus winter storms, cut through brambles miraculously neither of the three (counting Lex) cuts themselves nor any article of clothing on, then walk through the trees some more. The floor is littered with pine needles and rotten leaves. “You can unleash Lex if you want to. No one should find us here.”

Sylvain cranes his neck, his sunglasses since stuffed back into his messenger bag. “You sure this is right?” Lex is off the leash now, his dog tag jingling as he explores the area at his own pace.

“Yes. See that rock?” Felix points ahead. A moss-covered rock juts out of the ground. “We turn west when we reach it and then it’s about fifty steps to another rock. Then adjust to north-west and we should see a rusty gate.”

“This is crazy.” Sylvain laughs, and it’s different from before. He sounds like he’s having a grand time right now with his stuttering giggle high-pitched and full of joy. Felix allows himself a smile. “I wish I had more street smarts.”

“I thought you went out a lot.”

“But I stick to the paths! Like Little Red Riding Hood.”

Felix snorts. “She went and picked flowers and almost was seduced by a wolf.”

“Almost _eaten_!”

“The only wolves here in the city are in the zoo. We’re safe.”

“Yeah… I’m trying to trust you.”

“I noticed.” They reach the first rock. Felix looks up at the sky. It’s been a while since he estimated directions from position of the sun and the time his phone spews out. Humming, he turns in what he deems to be west and resumes walking.

“You sure we’re not getting lost?”

“ _Yes_. I’ve done this so many times when I was young.”

“Are we, like, trespassing somewhere?”

“No. The old gate is where the park officially ends. After that is just unexploited no man’s land.” Sylvain shuts up. He stays by Felix’s side as he again guesses the direction and spots the rusting gate. It’s almost completely overgrown, a vine of ivy and a small maple tree obscuring it if you don’t know where to look for what exactly. “See, there it is.”

Sylvain shields his eyes with the flat of a hand. “I feel like we’re being low-key criminal.”

Felix’s eyes slide over to Sylvain. “Who cares? I haven’t had this much fun in years.”

Sylvain turns to Felix in kind, one eyebrow lifted. “So this is the face you make when you’re having fun.”

“Don’t be so critical.” Reaching the gate, Felix kicks it open. It creaks in its hinges, allowing Felix to step through. It’s Lex who enters the greenfield after Felix. Sylvain makes up the rear, eyeing the gate but catching up to Felix fast enough. The space doesn’t look much different from the part of the park they just left. Felix leads Sylvain through (and over) dozens of trees and they reach a small hole among the trees where there’s still the rock-encircled remains of one campfire Felix ignited with Glenn an eternity ago. “Wow. No one was here all this time.”

“Is this still from you?”

“Yes.” Felix brushes away the years of dust, leaves, and needles that settled onto one of the stumps he and his brother carried and rolled here to sit. “I guess this is as private as we can have it today.” Lex climbs onto the tree stump next to Felix and sits down, eyes expectantly trained on Sylvain. Felix scratches the dog between his ears.

“Well, we could have gone to your place.”

“And given Cat the fright of her lifetime? No.”

Sylvain grins. He roughly cleans off the stump next to Felix’s and sits down, sandwiching him between himself and his dog. “Of all the things I expected today, this was certainly not on my list.”

“Good to know I still have the odd surprise left in me.”

“How can I return the favor?”

Felix’s hands move into his hoodie’s pocket. “You already gave me the chocolate.”

“Let me one-up that.”

Felix won’t get away with asking for a kiss, but his recent conversation with Caspar and the little preview Felix got today see his mind on another track anyway. “Sing to me.”

Sylvain blinks at him, then goes for a smile, his hand clasping the back of his neck. “Okay, I’ll try. I’m just drawing a blank as to what to sing.”

“Just sing whatever.”

“Okay.” Sylvain clears his throat, then goes up and down a scale similar to how Annette did it. “Anyway, here’s Wonderwall,” he says, and laughs when Felix’s eyes widen. “Just kidding. Forgot to pack my ukulele for that.”

“Thank the saints.”

Felix spoke too soon. What Sylvain launches into instead goes like this: “I’m waving my dick in the wind, I’m waving my dick in the wind!” He stands up to dance up to Felix in a smooth twirl. “If it all goes right I’ll be in your arms tonight,” Sylvain winks, “I’m waving my dick—”

“Shut up!” Felix gets up and grabs Sylvain with a hand on each shoulder, shaking him. Sylvain laughs right in his face, joyful and happy. Lex gives a confused whine, stands up and knocks Felix away from Sylvain.

“Whenever life gets you down,” Sylvain starts up again, and it’s a different song, “keeps you wearing a frown, and the gravy train has left you behind…” He takes a step backward, then looks around and dances away from Felix to put some more space between them. “And when you’re all out of hope, down at the end of your rope, and nobody’s there to throw you a line…” His voice cracks on the last word, and Felix can’t tell if the note he tried to hit was just a little too high for his range or if he’s already laughing. “If you ever get so low that you don’t know which way to go, come on and take a walk in my shoes. Never worry about a thing, got the world on a string,” something growly creeps into Sylvain’s voice like he’s a rockstar on stage, and it’s sexy for a breath, “‘cause I got the cure for all of my blues.” And then Sylvain ruins it, with his shit-eating grin and the blush and the yelp with which he delivers the next line: “I take a look at my enormous penis, and my troubles start a-melting away.” He runs away from Felix chasing him to deliver him a well-placed punch in the sternum, and still keeps singing: “I take a look at my enormous penis, and the happy times are coming to stay!” He ducks under a low-hanging branch Felix slides under. “I gotta sing and I dance when I glance in my pants, and the feeling’s like a sunshiny day!” Sylvain tries a feint Felix sees through and he catches up to him, jumping on him to tackle him to the ground. It doesn’t work and Sylvain keeps running in a wide circle back to their starting place with Felix now clinging to his back for dear life. Lex is right behind them, barking, and Felix wouldn’t be surprised if he got bitten in the ass for daring to harm Sylvain.

His hair tie loosens. Once Sylvain is back at the site they started from, his messenger bag still lying across the stump he was sitting on, he slows down enough for Felix to let go and stand on his own two feet. Lex circles Sylvain several times before finding a place to lie down and watching both of them. Sylvain turns around to Felix, still laughing. He looks so happy that it’s hard to stay angry at him.

“You should’ve seen your face when you realized!” Sylvain presses out in-between shuddering laughter.

Opening his hair, Felix scoops it up and re-ties it. He’s as flushed as Sylvain from the exertion as well as the underlying fun in it. Ugh, how he hates being so positive when he wants to stay grumpy! “You know, your singing voice is great, but what you choose to sing with it is an utter waste of talent.”

“Harsh words from my most honest critic.” Sylvain bows, one hand in front of his chest. “Your hair is beautiful. I’m glad I got to see it open once today.”

Blush intensifying, Felix turns his head so Sylvain only gets to see his profile. “Aha.”

“And I didn’t expect you to be able to catch up with me! You’re fast for a midget.”

One of Felix’s eyes twitches. He balls his hands into fists and turns back to Sylvain. “What did you just call me?”

“Lilliputian.”

“I’m going home. Bye.” Felix turns on his heel and stalks towards where the gate is located.

“No! Stay! Please.” Sylvain catches up to Felix, placing a hand on his shoulder but not putting any strength in his grip. Felix could walk on if he so desired. He stops in his tracks. “I like people who are smaller than me.”

“Then don’t be an asshole about it.”

“I won’t anymore. I like it that I’m taller because I get to do this.” Sylvain’s hand moves from Felix’s shoulder to wrap around him from behind along with Sylvain’s other arm. He doesn’t comment on the fact Felix’s heart is stuttering inside his chest, even more so when Sylvain pulls Felix’s back against his own chest, then rests his chin on Felix’s head. Sylvain hums and whispers, “Your hair is so soft.”

“Is it?”

“Mhm. I wish I got to retie it.”

Felix’s thinks he’s suffering his untimely heart attack right this moment. “Go ahead.” His voice cracks. Great. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Sylvain doesn’t comment, however, loosening his grip and stepping back to carefully pry at Felix’s hair tie. He takes an eternity to get it off, then combs his fingers through Felix’s hair, causing his breath to catch in his throat. The way Sylvain’s fingertips move against his scalp like butterflies does nothing to rein in Felix’s erratic heartbeat. “How long did it take you to grow it this long?” Sylvain asks.

“I cut it off when my brother died. So six and a half years?”

“All of it?”

“Buzz cut.”

“I’m glad you decided to grow it out again.” Sylvain scoops Felix’s hair up and combs through it once more.

“Do you have a thing for long hair?”

Sylvain chuckles. He pulls at Felix’s hair to tie it up, into what feels like a ponytail. “I’m happy as long as you can style it. Look a little different each day if you so choose.” He gives Felix’s ponytail a final tug. “To answer your real question, yes, I like the length of your hair.”

Felix gnashes his teeth. Sylvain really reads him like a book. A fucking picture book for preschoolers. He steps forward to be out of Sylvain’s range, turns around to make absolutely sure, and touches his hair. “Thanks,” he says, and lets Sylvain decide what Felix is grateful for.

Sylvain clasps the back of his neck. “I have no idea how to tie a bun so you gotta live with that for now.”

Felix simply nods. “Let’s go back.” He turns to the campfire site and starts walking.

Sylvain falls into step when Felix would have passed him. “Sorry for upsetting you. I thought it was funny.”

“You’re forgiven.”

“I brought tea so we can share some. Picked something that’s fruity but not too sweet, if that’s all right with you.”

“We’ll see.” Sylvain jogs forward to reach his bag and rummage through it, giving Felix another view of his ass. Felix better be careful or he’ll have to hide his outward display of lust from a Sylvain who’s a little too perceptive to accomplish this. “You really brought everything.”

“Not everything,” Sylvain says, procuring a thermos and two small cups. “I just wanted to make sure today wouldn’t bomb.” He sits down, waits for Felix to catch up to him, and hands him one of the cups. “Not gonna lie, a minute ago I thought I’d done it now.”

“Sometimes I think someone forgot to install the connection between your brain and your mouth.”

Sylvain fills up their cups, Felix’s first, his own second. The tea is still steaming, so Felix blows over it to cool it down somewhat. Then Sylvain sets his cup aside and fills a small bowl with food for Lex. After placing it on the ground, the dog eagerly coming over and burying his snout deep in it, Sylvain sits back down and picks up his cup. “So you get to dish out and I don’t?”

“Damn right.”

“That’s unfair.”

“Wake up.”

Sylvain sticks out his tongue at Felix. No, he’s not going there and thinking of all the places Sylvain can stick his tongue instead. Instead, Felix studies the little ceramic mug Sylvain not only packed especially for him so they wouldn’t need to share the thermos (Felix wouldn’t have minded), no, he somehow kept it from breaking all this time. It’s a little white thing, nothing special, and yet Felix likes it for not being a pretentious, flashy piece of shit like he expected from Sylvain.

He really got him all wrong.

“I wouldn’t have walked away,” Felix says. “Not really.”

“Sooo not trying to lean outta the window and falling, but I take it you enjoy my company?”

Felix turns his head and looks up into Sylvain’s face. The light streaming through the branches makes his hair look like it’s on fire. “Yes.”

“Me, too.” Sylvain smiles, making him light up even more. “That hug was when it all connected. That you’re real and here and exactly like I thought you’d be.”

“Disappointed much?”

“Not at all!” Sylvain sips at his tea. Felix sticks his tongue in his and retracts it quickly—the tea is still too hot for him. “I’m glad I took the chance to hang out with you today. Make some good memories. Since, you know.” Sylvain’s voice goes soft and quiet. “Saint Indech Day in two days.”

“I know. Like I said, you can text or call if you need someone.”

Sylvain smiles around the rim of his cup. “Soft Felix.” Felix rolls his eyes, causing Sylvain to laugh. He sobers up quickly enough though, saying, “Hey, so, in case you didn’t notice, I’m trying to unpack some emotional baggage.”

Oh. Felix’s heart flutters. The puzzle pieces painting an incomplete picture are summoned to the front of his mind. “Sorry. Uh, go right ahead?”

Sylvain chuckles. He’s still good, apparently. “Man, I wish I’d waited for an opener into it. Now it’s all awkward.” He pours himself more tea. “How much have you pieced together?”

“I’d figured that something must have happened to you, too.” To buy himself some time for thinking, Felix blows over his tea again and tries it once more. It’s cooled down considerably and tastes better than expected. “I have the impression your parents neglected you when you needed them. You had a troubled childhood, so you strove to do normal things. Which in turn means something must have been wrong.”

Sylvain nods throughout it all.

“You only have three friends, counting me, which is not a lot,” Felix goes on. “I’m an asshole and I think I have more friends than you, depending on who you count. Something doesn’t add up when you take into account that you’re a really nice person and caring and,” Felix clears his throat, “handsome. So if it’s not you unable to have more friends because you’re a bitch like me, then it must be because you don’t want to.”

“It’s hard.”

“Okay.” Felix waits for more but apparently Sylvain already said his piece. “Let’s move on to your whoring. I get that sex is great but not to the point where you discard your past partners like garbage.” Felix finishes his cup and holds it out to Sylvain for a refill. Sylvain silently unscrews the thermos cap and pours Felix another helping. “Then you admitted it always felt kind of wrong, so I guess it started as an act to please others instead of yourself. Like you’re trying to tell someone you’re doing great and this is your pretense you’re trying to hold up, no matter how much you hurt.”

“I don’t even know why I did it anymore…” Sylvain empties his second cup before packing it back into his bag, a towel wrapped around it.

“You mentioned your tattoo started as a cover-up. And you made it clear that you used to be a clumsy person until you moved out. Clumsy enough to break fingers and fall down wells and perhaps treehouses, and I don’t know where this scar is from,” Felix touches his own lips at the place where Sylvain’s scar would be if he were him, “but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the result of your clumsiness, too.” Felix’s eyes move up to look into Sylvain’s. They’re a pool looking about to burst. “Then there’s your locket, something you tried to keep from harm. So perhaps you’re not really clumsy. You haven’t been today.” Felix looks down to his hands. “Which makes me wonder if that mystery sibling had a hand in everything. You did say you’re only your parents’ ‘second-biggest disappointment’.”

“You’re smart,” Sylvain rasps. He sniffles. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Felix frowns. “I don’t want this to be true.”

“You don’t even have the whole story yet.”

Felix finishes his tea despite it scalding his tongue, then hands the empty cup back to Sylvain for him to repack. Felix uses the chance to sit down next to him in case Sylvain really needs his shoulder. He looks the part. “Only tell it if you want to.”

Sylvain’s hand knocks against Felix’s again and stays this time, a comfortable source of warmth. “I _need_ to tell you. I just needed to make sure I can trust you.”

“It doesn’t come easily, huh?”

“It’s weird?” Felix glances over to see Sylvain with an expression of unguarded misery. “It’s so easy to tell a stranger everything over the internet. Things I’d never say to someone I know in real life. I had to keep reminding myself that you might be real and I held onto that, too, because I wanted to make a new friend. Someone who doesn’t live at the ass-end of the world but basically right around the corner.” Sylvain’s hand moves to clasp Felix’s. It’s still warm, no, _hot_ apart from his rings, and it’s big, his fingers and palm somewhat calloused but lacking a stupid scar he made recently in the middle of it, unlike Felix’s. “Thanks for not being an asshat and honest with me.”

“I wanted to make a friend, too. You did so much for me without realizing. Pulled me out of the depressive slump I lived in.” Felix laces his fingers with Sylvain’s and squeezes his hand.

Sylvain squeezes back. A small smile quivers on Felix’s lips. “I just got suspicious of people over time. And my ‘whoring’, as you aptly call it, doesn’t help matters. It’s just…” Sylvain’s jaw clenches. “No one wants to see past this façade I put up. No one’s really interested in getting to know me and who I am. But you were.” A small chuckle works its way up Sylvain’s throat. “You didn’t even want to know what I look or sound like. You just didn’t give a fuck about my appearance, you were only interested in me as a person. And I needed that.”

“So, what did Ingrid and Doro say?”

“To what?”

“Your problem. From Valentine’s Day.”

“Oh shit, you remembered…” Sylvain laughs and it sounds so hopeless that Felix squeezes his hand again. “Ingrid gave me one hell of a scolding. Dorothea,” ah, so that’s the full name, “was more sympathetic but ultimately agreed with Ing. They both said something along the lines of me finally waking up to some much-needed responsibility concerning my actions and behavior.” Sylvain sighs. “And that the key probably lies somewhere with my trust issues. Like, I should do it the old-fashioned way. Talk to someone. Get to know them. Appreciate the friendship. Fall in love. _Then_ try and have sex.”

“Romance or sex without friendship are terrible.”

“So you agree?”

“Mhm. It’s good you’re trying to see things from a different angle now.”

“Thank you. Like, really.” Another of those ugly laughs barks its way up Sylvain’s chest to his mouth. “I don’t deserve friends like you three.”

“You do, no matter what happened to you.”

“Right. I,” Sylvain swallows, “still have a lot to tell you.”

“Do it at your pace. And only if you want to.”

“Too kind.” Sylvain sways left and right a bit, knocking his shoulder against Felix’s, then stayst like this and rests his head on Felix’s shoulder. “I need some intimacy.”

“I won’t shrug you off just yet.”

Sylvain chuckles. Felix looks over but can’t make anything out beyond that bird’s nest of Sylvain’s cradled against his shoulder and neck. “I used to have a brother, too. Six years older than me. To put it mildly, he was a loser. He pulled the short straw in every walk of life.”

Felix lets go of Sylvain’s hand to wrap his arm around Sylvain’s shoulder instead and hold him closer. “So he was a literal loser.”

“A figurative one, too.” Sylvain snuggles up to Felix. They’re really cuddling now, huh? Lex trots over and lies down on Sylvain’s other side, sighing heavily. “He couldn’t cope with my sudden appearance, as if you don’t get a warning beforehand that your mom is preggers and will drop a baby in a few months.”

“My brother was only disappointed that I wasn’t ‘done’. That I couldn’t speak and would sleep away the whole day or cry because I sullied my diapers.”

“What was his name?”

“Glenn. Yours?”

“Miklan. He whose name must not be mentioned. At least that’s my parents’ stance.”

“And yours?”

“I can say his name. And look them in the eye. Watch them become uncomfortable.” Sylvain sighs, shuddering against Felix’s side. Felix squeezes his arm. “He was… contemptible,” Sylvain goes on. “Or rather, all the synonyms to ‘bad’ in the dictionary. Cruel. Impudent. Nefarious. Degenerate. Wicked. Hostile. Menacing. Malignant. Resentful. All of these.”

Felix licks his lips. He likes a man with a big… vocabulary. But this is not the moment to think about something like this. He can commend Sylvain later.

“Pestilential. That’s a dope word.” Sylvain sighs again. His whole chest deflates. “My family doesn’t talk about him at all. Like I said, he’s just not mentioned.”

“Like a stain on your pedigree?”

Sylvain chuckles weakly against Felix. “That’s an apt way to put it.”

Felix rubs his hand against Sylvain’s arm, up and down and up and down. “What did he do to be granted your colorful descriptors?”

“Oh, what didn’t he do is the better question.” Sylvain remains quiet for so long that Felix thinks he might’ve fallen asleep against his shoulder, but then he speaks up again. “In short, he abused me. In various ways. Usually it was physically. All the times I told you I was a clumsy kid? That’s on Miklan.”

“And your parents didn’t step in?”

“Nope. They made me cover for him every time it was so bad we had to go to a doctor. And we usually didn’t.” Sylvain swallows. His voice is becoming hoarse. “Miklan strangled me, he broke my fingers, he pushed me down stairs and slopes. I can’t remember how many times he hit me. Slapped and struck and punched me. That scar on my lip?” Sylvain points at it. “Permanent reminder of the time he tried to staple my mouth shut because he felt I was crying too much.” He starts trembling. “One time I woke up to a knife in my leg.”

Felix tightens his hold. “You don’t have to go on,” he whispers.

“I want to tell you. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long now.” Sylvain’s voice is quavering but he holds off his tears. “When I got the ink done we started on my back. Miklan loved to press out his cigarettes on my shoulder blades and the burns scarred.”

Felix knows what such scars look like. The skin on his upper left arm tingles. “And the rest of the tattoo?”

“There to misdirect attention. You can’t see the burns anymore, only feel them.”

“And it looks beautiful.”

“And that.” There’s a fleeting smile in Sylvain’s voice, already gone by his next words. “Miklan also abused me verbally. The entire range of it—it started rather harmlessly with calling me names, insulting me, then it moved on to him breaking stuff around the house and accusing me. And yes, I got the brunt of it from our parents.” Sylvain sniffs. “He criticized me all day long for my appearance and my voice and other things I wasn’t responsible for.”

“You mean he called you ugly?”

“To put it nicely, yes. He usually compared me to the likes of Charles II of Spain.”

“He’s wrong.”

“I think he started because our grandmother—we only had one—told me in front of him that I’m her ‘beautiful grandson’ and, I don’t know, she made fun of his teeth for being a little crooked. She was borderline senile but I think he might have taken her seriously nonetheless.”

“That’s shitty of your grandmother, though.”

“Absolutely! I called her out on it every time Miklan stomped off with his hands in fists because I knew who’d get the beating for it. She never apologized.” Sylvain exhales a sigh shaking his body and voice. “Miklan told me I didn’t have it so bad. After all, I wasn’t him. He belittled my experiences with him, and even told our parents that I was just making shit up while threatening me with more pain behind their backs. He ordered me to lie for him.”

“Did you?”

“Yes. I’m sure our parents saw through it but they neglected me.” Sylvain’s voice becomes rougher with every word. Clearing his throat doesn’t remove the edge from it. “Did you know neglect is also a form of abuse?”

“No.” Felix swallows. “Oh gods.”

“They kept telling me that Miklan’s my brother, and that siblings don’t do such things. They knew. They fucking knew and they covered for him—”

“Yes, you said.”

“I can never forgive them.” The words come out quiet and strangled. Sylvain starts heaving, his shoulders tremble, and Felix helps him untangle, helps him turn his head and cry into his shoulder, just like he promised.

Sylvain’s arms wrap around Felix. He holds Sylvain as close as he can in kind, one hand cradling his head, fingers buried in his feather-soft hair. The way Sylvain opens up, his display of vulnerability and fragility, makes Felix’s heart swell. It’s only now that Sylvain’s trust in him really registers. Felix shudders against him from all the things he’s feeling: gratefulness, anger, comfort, sadness, compassion, pain, and, yes, some form of love. Not the kind making his heart flutter and jump, but the simple need to comfort and soothe. The hand not in Sylvain’s hair loosens to rub circles into his back.

Slowly but steadily Sylvain calms down, his tears stop, his own grip weakens. For a second Felix thinks Sylvain is about to nod off, but then he leans away from Felix, enough for him to look into his face, staying close enough to keep their embrace intact. Sylvain’s voice is still weak, rasping and strained. “Thank you. You’re the best.” His eyes are still pools, their liquid surfaces sparkling in the sunlight, puffy and red like his lips, going hand in hand with his flushed face. And still he puts on a smile that breaks Felix’s heart and mends it at the same time.

“Feeling better now?” Felix asks. His shoulder is wet with Sylvain’s tears. The intimacy is nothing like the one Felix demanded from Sylvain in his waking dreams, and yet it’s better than anything he could’ve dreamed up. Producing the tissues he promised to bring, he holds them out to Sylvain.

“Yes. And thank you for remembering.” Sylvain smiles at the tissues. He takes one out of the pack and he dabs it against his eyes before disposing of it by shoving the crumpled-up remains of it down his pants’ pocket. Then Sylvain moves closer again for another embrace. He rests his chin on Felix’s shoulder and nuzzles up to him. “I’m happy now.”

Felix closes his eyes, just basks in the moment. “Right this instant?”

Sylvain hums in agreement. He leans back again. His face falls shortly after, replacing the bliss. “My dad hit me, too, you know. He screamed right in my face and told me he can never be proud of either of his sons.”

Felix’s smile is wiped off his face in an instant. “Why did he do that?”

“I don’t know. My parents kicked Miklan out when I moved away to study.” Sylvain is back to rummaging in his bag. “Another tea?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Soft Felix.” Sylvain produces the two cups, then looks at them. “I forgot which is whose.”

“I don’t mind. I already got your spit on me from your disgusting shake, remember?”

“Romantic. An indirect kiss.” Sylvain puts on a goofy grin despite his hoarseness, holding out both cups.

Felix selects the one on the right, rolling his eyes so hard he almost misses it. “If that counts as a kiss, I’ve kissed my fucking brother.”

“I was just kidding!” Sylvain pours tea into both cups. “Anyway, where was I?”

“Your parents kicked out your brother.”

“Right.” Sylvain sobers up. “Apparently, with no little brother to bully, he turned onto them. That’s when it hit them what I’d had to endure all this time.”

“Why was he still living with them anyway? He must’ve been what, twenty-four? Five?”

“He quit school before he graduated. Couldn’t score a job anywhere, but looking back, I don’t think he tried.” Sylvain blows over his tea and takes a small sip. “Like I said, he was a loser.”

“So, your parents realized he had been abusing you, kicked him out, and then tried to erase him from their memories? …Since you said he isn’t mentioned.”

“Yeah, pretty much. I was still in Enbarr, in my third year, when I got the message that he got lethally injured in a shoot-out with the police. Apparently they shot him in his leg to keep him from running and accidentally hit the femoral artery. He bled out before the ambulance arrived.”

“Oh.” Another brother lost in a freak accident.

“I flew home for his funeral. The one my parents didn’t even organize much less attend because according to them Miklan wasn’t part of the family anymore.”

“You organized it?” Felix dips his tongue in the cup. The temperature is all right for drinking, and the tea tastes good despite the gloomy conversation.

“Yes. Was pretty weird standing there over his grave with, like, his whole gang gathered. About thirty-ish other losers. No one else. They didn’t make fun of me but they kept whispering behind my back. About me being ‘the boss’s brother’, and so on.”

“Did they leave you alone?”

“They did, don’t worry. I think they were grateful someone enabled giving Miklan the last rites. My parents, though? They were ready to kick me out, too. How I could still see a brother in this man, blah blah blah. You know, the very thing they kept preaching and indoctrinating for almost two decades.”

Felix’s hand moves of its own accord to clasp Sylvain’s shoulder. “That’s shitty of them. I see why you’re not looking forward to the holiday.”

“It’s difficult.” A shudder goes through Sylvain, making Felix squeeze his shoulder before letting go. “I still call Miklan my brother, even if it earns me another lecture.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I think I always wished to have a cool big brother. I often find myself wondering what could have been if things were just a little different.” Sylvain finishes his tea and pours himself a second cup. Glancing over to Felix, he raises the thermos and asks, “You, too?”

“Go ahead.” Felix holds out his cup and watches Sylvain pour.

“That’s it for the tea then.”

“Bringing it along was a good idea.”

Sylvain smiles. “Thanks. So, you and your brother—Glenn, right?” Felix nods. “You were pretty tight I gather.”

“We were. He took me everywhere. Did all these stupid things like wear roller skates when I was in the stroller and crash downhill with me.”

“Consider me jealous.” Felix snorts. Sylvain takes a sip of his tea. “Since Ingrid’s a few years younger than me, I tried to be like the big brother we both wanted and didn’t have to her.”

“That’s sweet. How did you guys meet?”

“Kindergarten.” Sylvain turns to grin at Felix. “Can you believe it? I’ve known her for twenty-six years and we’re still hanging out with each other.”

“That’s crazy.” Felix looks down into his cup. “My boss is still around and I’ve known him since forever because our dads went back a long way. We were born two months apart.”

“I feel like you beat me in some competition.” Sylvain chuckles and hides his mouth behind the rim of his cup.

“Did you guys have a phase in which you weren’t sure if you were still friends, too?”

“Nope.”

“Then we’re even.” Sylvain’s eyes crinkle at the corners. Felix asks, “How old is she?”

“Ingrid?” Felix nods. “29. Her birthday’s in early January so you’re like the baby of my friend group now.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “What about Doro?”

“She’ll turn 31 in September. Which means you’re still the baby.”

“Stop calling me a baby.”

“Our honorary member of nether age—”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Sylvain flashes Felix a smirk before he downs the rest of his tea, then sighs in contentment. “I’ll stop.”

“Show me some pictures of your friends instead.”

“I didn’t think you’d be interested.” Sylvain watches Felix’s face for a second, the one which Felix turns away and hides the lower part of behind his cup anyway. Giving up on this, Sylvain says, “Sure,” packs away his cup and replaces it with his phone. Sylvain is extremely swift in navigating around it, then pushes it into Felix’s still occupied hands. “This is Ingrid.”

Felix finishes his tea and hands the cup to Sylvain to take his phone instead. The woman in the picture is blonde, and Felix needs a moment to realize why he’s not surprised about this fact: She was in one of the dog sledding pictures, blurry, in the background. Ingrid looks like she wears less make-up than Sylvain. A light band of freckles adorns her face. “She’s pretty.”

“Oh, she your type?”

Felix gives a half-shrug. “I don’t know her.”

“Meat aficionado, like I said.” Sylvain grins at Felix. “And I think I told you she kicks my ass at least once a week.”

“And you two go dog sledding.”

“Yes!” Sylvain takes his phone back, fingers brushing Felix’s, and taps on its screen. “And heeere’s Doro.”

Sylvain’s phone back in his hands, Felix looks at this picture, too. Doro is like Ingrid’s anti-thesis: She looks loud and not as down-to-earth, she knows exactly how to use make-up to accentuate her looks, her hair is dark and long and curly where Ingrid’s is light and shoulder-length and straight. And she has a bust rivaling Sylvain’s. “I don’t know why I expected to see Ingrid’s twin.”

Sylvain snickers. “Yeah, these two can be pretty different but they’re both not afraid to give anyone a piece of their mind. Brutal honesty is apparently my type.” Felix looks up in time to see Sylvain attempt to make eye contact with him. Oh no. Is he flirting? But that would mean…

“So how can a lounge lizard like you be only platonically involved with two women?”

“Lounge lizard…” Sylvain echoes. “Not gonna lie, the first thing that popped into my head was the electric piano.”

“Don’t dodge the question,” Felix says despite his smile.

“Yeah, all right. I told you Ingrid is like a sister to me. Her dad did imply I’d be a suitable match for her but we both shut him down pretty quickly.” Sylvain laughs. “And Doro? I moved in with her because money was a little tighter and she didn’t care about dudes walking around with ‘their banana waving about’, as she phrased it.” Wait, what the fuck? Instead of looking at Felix and reading his expression, Sylvain makes eyes at Lex who trudges over to him to be petted. “At first I thought her to be totally shallow. Like, she made it pretty clear she attends college primarily to snag herself a sugar daddy or mommy. And then I did some drunken introspection and realized we’re essentially the same. And, I don’t know, I drunk-cried into her boobs and we had a very emotional talk and that was that. Friends forever now.”

“Is Doro a voyeur?” is the first thing that comes out of Felix’s mouth.

Sylvain gasps. He finally turns his head to look at Felix. “No! She just thought I’d be the type to, y’know, go commando and forget to dress.”

“Was she right?”

“I’m not _that_ much of a lost cause.” Which means, yeah, Doro was right. Probably. Felix is still turning that thought over in his head when Sylvain says, “Let’s take a picture together.”

“No way.”

“I’m not taking ‘no’ for an answer today, Felix.” Sylvain pries his phone back out of Felix’s hands, one of his own still buried in his dog’s fur, and opens the front camera. “You take the picture.”

“And you keep smiling like a psychopath until I deem the light right?” Felix asks when Sylvain pushes the phone back into his hands.

“Does my camera smile look that awful?”

“Just look somewhere else. The best pictures are never staged.”

“You’re a hard man to please.” Sylvain dutifully drops his gaze to Lex. Felix leans closer to the two of them, adjusting the angle until he holds the phone in a way that has both him and Sylvain displayed on the phone’s screen.

And now, what? Felix doesn’t want to be the only one looking at the camera while Sylvain preoccupies himself with his hands somewhere off the bottom edge. Looking over, Felix watches Sylvain for so long he glances back to make sure the screen hasn’t turned off by now. Nope. Probably because of camera mode. Felix turns back to Sylvain. “You still haven’t told me a bad joke.”

“Hm?” Sylvain looks over to Felix. “Like, from that evening I promised you one?”

“And failed to deliver.”

“Oh. Uh…” Sylvain’s eyes unfocus, then he raises his head to gaze at the sky. “Gimme a sec.”

“Mhm.”

Sylvain’s eyes are back on Felix after the minute he took for thinking. “All right. So. This man and his wife are in the car, driving down the highway. There’s this random cow on the road. Husband says, ‘Look, it’s your relative.’ And wife goes, ‘Yeah, related by marriage’.”

“What a shitty husband.”

Sylvain grins. Felix pushes the button to take a picture. “She did marry him.”

“Maybe she had no say in the matter.”

Sylvain’s eyebrows shoot up. “Wait, I just had a realization.”

“Yeah?” Felix takes another picture.

“If he’s related to a cow, that’s kinda like Graeco-Roman mythology. As in the minotaur. Or when Zeus banged Europa.”

“Weren’t you aware bulls are just irresistible.”

Sylvain gasps, then laughs. Time for another picture. “By the way, did you know Io, who was cursed by Hera to be a cow, is the grand-grand-grandmom of Europa?”

“Didn’t Io have a child with Zeus?”

“Yeah! He’s Europa’s grand-grand-granddad. And her… lover.”

“Squicky.”

“It’s even worse because her granddad is Poseidon who’s Zeus’s brother—”

“Do you remember her whole family tree by heart?” Felix grins. Sylvain grins back. He snaps a third picture. This’ll have to do.

“I wrote a paper on it once.”

“I thought you studied music.”

“I took a class on European mythology. It was fun.”

“For extra credit?”

“Mhm. We had topick three classes unrelated to our field so I took that one,” Sylvain starts counting on his fingers, releasing Lex, “an introduction class to linguistics, and one on world history.”

“My school didn’t have these requirements.”

“It’s just your typical punishment for being in arts and humanities and not economics or physics or anything else that’s considered actually important.” Sylvain shrugs.

“I see.” Felix hands him back his phone. “Here. I took three pictures.”

“What?! When?” Sylvain opens the photos and takes his sweet time looking at each of them. “They turned out great! I’ll send them to you.” Trapping his tongue between his lips, Sylvain taps away on his screen.

A second later Felix’s phone buzzes against his leg. “Thanks.”

He wants to look at them but then Lex trots over to push his head between Felix’s legs. The pressure is unpleasant for two reasons. “Oh gods, sorry,” Sylvain says. “Just pet him a little and he’ll go away.”

Felix does as he’s bid. “I thought he didn’t like cuddling.”

“This is just him being a little needy. Sorry if he makes you uncomfortable. He just… doesn’t get it.”

“I do prefer human men there.” Sylvain gasps again, then breaks out laughing, first carefully, then evolving into ever louder, heartfelt bursts. His cheeks flush. Smiling, Felix dips his head to whisper, “No offense, Lex.”

“Which end?” Sylvain asks once he’s calmed down.

Felix looks over to him, raising an eyebrow. His own face is burning. “Either is fine.”

“Fair enough.”

Felix keeps petting Lex, and Sylvain shows he inhibits one property Felix does not like in Caspar and loves in Sylvain: He can’t stay the fuck still and quiet. Sylvain sways from side to side in time with the wind rustling through the branches above, humming a tune under his breath that sounds cheerful as well as melancholic, not evolving, not getting louder, just there. Felix finds himself listening intently, his fingers buried deep in the thick fur of Lex’s neck, looking ahead at nothing in this small, wild escape in the middle of the big city, just relishing the moment.

_I’m alive._ The thought suddenly pierces his mind and now that he’s aware of this fact, he can’t unthink it. And he doesn’t want to. Felix is alive, and he’s doing well all things considered, and he’s spending time with a person he likes a lot and that emanates enjoyment and contentment the same way Felix does. He’s more than just alive and surviving. He’s living.

He glances over to find Sylvain still swaying, his hair catching the light, tufts of it rising and falling in the breeze. He’s a little flushed, and suddenly he looks over too, and a smile spreads over his still closed lips. Sylvain keeps humming his little tune, eyes sparkling because they have mastered the trick of catching the light just like his hair does. He’s gorgeous.

Felix can feel the heat rise to his face, his heart hammer against his ribcage, his palms begin to sweat. He retracts them from Lex, balancing himself on the wooden stump with his hands on either side of his legs. Sylvain places his hand on top of Felix’s, and no, Sylvain’s hands aren’t pouring out sweat. They are simply hot. “I like this,” he says as quietly as the melody he’s interrupting.

“What?”

Sylvain shrugs, his lips curling. “Hanging out with you.” He removes his hand to point around them. “In the middle of nowhere. It’s like we’re the only two people in the world.”

Felix can’t keep himself from snorting. “Romantic.”

“I can’t tell if you’re sarcastic or not.”

Sylvain turns back to Felix, so he gives him a grin. “You forgot your dog.”

“Right, we’re not completely alone…” Sylvain smiles sheepishly, his hand going for the back of his neck before he decides on a different course of action and reaches towards Felix, his whole body leaning forward. Felix takes everything back. If his heart was hammering before, it’s ripping a hole through his chest now. If his face was hot before, now it’s on fire. He’s not sure if he’s ready for the kiss that he’s suddenly certain is to come when Sylvain leans back again, a tiny and dry branch in his hand. “Look what was stuck in your hair,” he says.

Felix exhales loudly. What an anticlimax. Deflating, he spares the branch the barest of glances. “I need to piss.” It’s not even a lie. “Don’t follow.”

“O-okay.” Sylvain shoots Felix a last dumbstruck glance and watches Felix march off.

He needs to put some distance between them and calm down. Saints, Felix is the biggest fool in all of Fódlan. Ducking under branches and hopping across others that have broken off and lie on the ground, Felix winds his way through the trees. A glance back confirms that Sylvain isn’t going after him, but Lex is close on Felix’s heels. Trying to keep track of the pack?

Heh. It rhymes. Sylvain would be proud. It’s not even an imperfect rhyme.

Felix finds a place suitable to his needs and relieves himself quickly. Lex, true to his nature, pisses against the tree as well to overshadow Felix’s efforts. On their way back, Lex makes sure to leave his mark elsewhere, too.

Sylvain’s face lights up when Felix and Lex step into his view. He holds up a small bottle. “Hand sanitizer,” he explains at Felix’s arched eyebrow.

“You implying my dick is dirty?”

“No!” Sylvain blushes, the shade of his face almost matching that of his hair. Poor soul. “I just thought your hands would feel less icky if you rubbed something on them.” Sylvain turns an even more furious shade of red. “That came out weird.”

Felix can’t keep it in any longer and laughs. “Appreciated,” he says, and to not sully Sylvain’s bottle, he lets the other man pour liquid onto his hands. Felix spreads the stuff, then sniffs at his hands. Fresh. A little lemony. “I’ve been wondering.”

Sylvain turns back around from tossing the small bottle into his bag. “About what?”

“You told me your voice isn’t all that great but disregarding the choice of songs,” Felix makes a face that brings light to Sylvain’s eyes, “your voice is great. You should do vocals on one of your songs.”

“You really think so?” Sylvain clasps the back of his neck. He doesn’t look like a deer caught in the headlights this time, however, but like someone who’s not used to praise to his face.

“I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.”

“I can try and cover something for—”

“Not that ‘enormous penis’ thing or anything related.”

Sylvain smiles toothily, humming a scale upwards as he shakes his head. Then he breaks out singing, “I might as well OD,” holding the highest note at the end. His eyes search Felix’s as he continues, breaking off in the middle of the sentences and words, his voice coming back stronger after each time he inhales inaudibly, “Akin to a fiend. A name I confess that would make me a mess: Persephone—queen of my fire, the underworld’s eye and apple of mine. Oh…” A sad smile crosses his face, supporting the controlled quiver in his voice going down. This is more than just singing, it’s a performance. Sylvain stands up for the next lines. “You thought you saw my soul? Paid for, traded and sold.” He takes a few steps away from Felix, turning around when he reaches the other side of the campfire site. “I may not be so bold,” Sylvain’s eyes are back on Felix’s, “after all.”

“What’s this from?” Felix asks in a whisper.

Sylvain breaks out in a grin. “Magnati, from SycAmour.” So it’s not his own creation, despite the mythology reference. “Can’t say the guys are well-known.”

“The song was different from the other two. Showed how much control over your voice you have.”

Sylvain jogs back to Lex and Felix, sitting down close enough to the latter for their hips to bump against each other’s. “They use unclean vocals—growls—a lot in their songs, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not your thing.”

“My brother was into that. I’m not quite as wild.”

“Really?” Sylvain grins. His face is way too close to Felix’s, so he leans away from the other man. “I think you’re pretty wild already, the way you chased me… You looked ready to kill me.”

“Because you pissed me off.” Sylvain sighs. “You’re forgiven.” Felix’s hand twitches, and he guesses he can pat Sylvain’s knee once, twice, before digging in his pockets for his cigs and lighter.

“And I thought you’d stop now.”

Felix glances to Sylvain. “I never said anything.” He shakes a cigarette loose and holds the pack towards Sylvain.

“I don’t smoke.”

“I thought you might if offered.” Felix half-shrugs and takes the cig for himself. Clenching it between his teeth, he lights it after saying, “Because of your cannabis habit.”

“Hey, give a guy a break!” Sylvain spreads his arms, almost knocking Felix over since they’re still sitting next to each other. “I haven’t smoked weed in forever! Or did you convince yourself you can smell it on me?”

“No.” Only the fresh linen and bakery smells, slightly subdued by the earthy qualities of the place they’re in right now. “But I thought your lips smelled nice because of your balm. Which, A, you haven’t used even a single time now even though you said you’d use it all the time, and, B, I somehow thought smelled sickly-sweet of strawberry and I can’t smell it anywhere.”

“Okay, so I may have over-exaggerated a tiny bit,” Sylvain says, turning his head so Felix can’t watch his expression out of the corner of his eyes any longer.

“Tried to impress me?”

“Nah.” Sylvain scratches one cheek with a finger. Is he bending the truth again?

“Your singing was impressive. Write a song for me in which you sing.”

Sylvain’s head snaps around. Felix doesn’t give him the satisfaction of doing so much as bat an eyelid. “Something original?”

“Yes. I like your songs.”

“Every single one?”

“I listen to them at work and in the car.”

“I’ll count that as a ‘yes’.” A broad grin covers Sylvain’s face. “You’re demanding, you know that? I go all out for your birthday present and a week later you’re like,” Sylvain leans towards Felix, whispering right in his ear and making him shiver, “to quote Britney again, ‘Gimme gimme _more_ ’.”

“Are you obsessed with her or what?”

“I had a phase.”

“Uh-huh, right. Just say you’re into blondes.”

“Not true! I like long hair and brutal honesty.” Felix finishes his cigarette and wants to give Sylvain a pointed look, but by the time he’s driven the butt into the ground for future generations to unearth, Sylvain’s mind is already somewhere else. “I had a lot of phases starting in the 90s.”

“And your Britney phase stuck with you.”

“My Red Hot Chili Peppers phase, too.” Sylvain smiles.

“Point taken.” Felix relaxes, leaning back onto his hands.

“Mariah Carey.”

“Sing.”

“No!” Sylvain laughs. “I won’t try and make a fool out of myself. How about Oasis?”

“Spare me.”

“The Offspring? Weezer? Green Day?” Sylvain turns towards him, crossing one leg on top of the other in a gesture that means there’s a lot in-between to be squished. Felix makes sure to maintain eye contact. “Smash Mouth?”

“Who’s that?”

Sylvain grins. “Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me—”

“The Shrek song.” And Sylvain sung it perfectly. No. It sounded better than what Felix remembers from the movie.

“Yes!” Sylvain claps his hands together and this way they stay, palm to palm. “Continuing the saga, though, I have a confession to make.” He leans forward, voice subdued and conspiratorial. “When I was a kid, I wanted to be part of the Backstreet Boys.”

Okay, there goes the eye contact. Sylvain’s hands are also nice to look at anyway. “Ewww.”

Sylvain laughs, leaning backwards again. “But they got all the girls swoon over them! And, like, these girl groups and boy bands were like mini musicals. You just sung together with your four best buds.”

“I thought you had only Ingrid.” Felix studies the sky. It’s turning from blue to yellow.

“Rude! I had more friends! Just none that stuck with me.”

“Okay.” Felix nods up at the sky. “We should get going. I won’t be able to find the way back without daylight.”

“Oh, all right.” Sylvain gets up and slings his messenger bag around his chest. Picking up the leash, he whistles two short, high notes. Lex’s ears perk, and he stands up to join Sylvain.

“None of my school friendships lasted either,” Felix offers as a way to continue the conversation as he leads the way back through the thicket.

“It’s hard to keep in touch, especially if you decide to move into another country like me. And, well, I could never ask anyone to come over and hang out at my place because of Miklan. No need to drag anyone else into this.”

“I see. I just… stopped talking to everyone once that something happened.”

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?”

Felix swallows and stops in his tracks. “I’ll make it quick: My brother and the father of my boss died because the place I shared with my boss burned down and the whole building collapsed.”

“Saints…” Felix doesn’t expect Sylvain to be right behind him until his shoulder is clasped and squeezed. “That must have been hard on both of you. I mean, it’s obvious, since you hinted this is what triggered a change in your personality.”

“What a nice way to say it fucked me up.” Felix starts walking again.

“You appear to manage rather well.”

“At the moment, yes. Other days? Not so much.”

“Hey, wait.” Sylvain’s grip on his shoulder becomes tighter and stronger, causing Felix to stop. He sees the hug from behind coming, and forces himself to relax backwards against Sylvain’s chest. Sylvain’s arms tighten around him to a point of almost crushing him, but at the same time Felix feels secure in his arms. Sylvain’s scent is all around and over him, and Sylvain makes it worse by nuzzling Felix’s neck and pressing his face against the spot where neck and shoulder meet.

Felix’s wriggles his arms loose—causing Sylvain’s to tighten his hold on him even further—and places his hands over Sylvain’s. Sylvain presses up against Felix from behind and, saints above, his crotch aligns with Felix’s ass in a way that Felix will not think about right now but certainly later tonight.

Swallowing, Felix endures Sylvain’s embrace with all the feelings Sylvain pours into it and Felix can’t drink up right now. He’s drowning in them, and it’s wonderful and terrible all at once. Eventually, Sylvain’s arms relinquish Felix, and, inhaling and holding the breath for a few steps, he continues on their way back. They mustn’t lose too much time idling in physical affection.

When they reach the trail pointing back into the park proper, Felix says, “Better leash Lex again.”

“Y-yes,” Sylvain says. He clears his throat and comes up on Felix’s side, Lex on his leash. “I didn’t make anything awkward, did I?”

“No. It was appreciated.”

“Good.” A smile of relief passes over Sylvain’s features.

“Want to eat dinner somewhere before going home? Or straight back to wherever you parked?”

“Oh, dinner sounds like a great idea.”

“Anything in particular you want?”

“Just take me anywhere.”

“We could go somewhere fancy but…” Felix looks down at himself. “I’m not dressed for the occasion.”

Sylvain laughs. “Look at me!”

“You look like a star. I look like a sewer rat.”

They emerge into the park proper. Sylvain’s hand knocks against Felix’s, and Felix can’t shake the idea he’s supposed to grab it. He doesn’t. “I like the way you look.”

Felix snorts. “You didn’t even deny it.”

“What _am_ I supposed to say? That I want to find out how your hair reflects the streetlights, and if I can make you laugh again because you look so much younger and softer when you laugh, and I like that a lot, especially when you blush at the same time? And how you don’t look like a ‘skinny fuck’—your description—or a ‘sewer rat’—also your words—but rather fit and while I don’t wonder if you have man tits, I’d like to see you flex your arms—”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Exactly the reaction I thought I’d get.” Felix glances up to see Sylvain smirk, and thereby misses how Sylvain’s hand moves again to snatch Felix’s and squeeze.

Felix very much would like to stop dead in his tracks, his heart finally giving out before he can embarrass himself. Instead he shows no outward reaction (he hopes), continuing in his navigation out of the park and someplace they can hit for dinner. “Is there anything you don’t or can’t eat?”

“I like almost everything. Although seafood is a hit-or-miss.”

“I hate crayfish.”

“Same. And fish skewers.”

“Ew.”

Sylvain laughs. Felix smiles. “But I love fish soup.”

“I had that once because my dad insisted that’s what he’ll like for his 50th birthday. Held a grand fête. And I ate a little too much of it and threw half of it back up—”

“You sure you weren’t drunk?”

“Yes! The next few days I was so sick I stayed home from school.” Sylvain’s hand jerks with the rise and fall of his shoulders. He’s not laughing out loud, but he’s doing a lousy job of hiding it. “Long story short, I detest fish soup with a special passion.”

“Okay, what about fish stew?” Sylvain asks once he’s calmed down. “Spicy fish stew.”

“Sounds good.”

“Salmon sauté?”

“Oh yeah, that’s nice. Anything fried is nice. Especially meat.”

“Mhm, little meat aficionado.” Sylvain leans in and whispers, “Fish sandwich?”

“I’m indifferent. It’s just… fish between two slices of bread, right?”

“And cabbage!”

“I don’t know…”

“What about fish dango then? You know, small balls on skewers and extra spicy just for you.”

“If it’s spicy, then yes. If it’s an attempt to trick me into eating fish skewers, I’ll deal with _your_ small balls next.”

Gasping, Sylvain stops, causing Felix to drag on his hand to keep him going. “You should know by now that I would never do anything that endangers my ability to procreate.”

Felix snorts. “Just be glad you haven’t spawned any kids yet.”

“I told you I want to eventually.” Sylvain pouts.

“Gotta find someone willing to bear your litter first.”

“Can you stop talking about me like I’m an animal?”

“I’m surprised you haven’t gone all _Bad Touch_ on me yet.”

Sylvain licks his lips. “Should I?”

“And confirm what I said? Sure.” They’re close to the park’s gates now, and despite the cold getting more pronounced and the darkness settling in, people are still bustling about, especially on the streets. Then again, this is a chance to find out if Sylvain at least has figurative big balls.

“The dude always has such a monotonous sounding voice.” After clearing his throat, Sylvain hums a scale downwards, then hums the melody. It doesn’t sound monotonous at all—at least not when it’s Sylvain. Letting go of Felix’s hand and handing the leash with Lex to him, Sylvain commences, “Sweat, baby, sweat, baby, sex is a Texas drought. Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about.”

When they were alone, Felix failed to notice how loud Sylvain’s singing voice is, and now that they’re out in the open, the act of singing as such alone should count as ballsy. Then there’s the lyrics to consider…

Sylvain takes a big step to walk diagonally to Felix, watching his face just as his is watched in turn, all brilliant smile and flushed cheeks. “So put your hands down my pants and I’ll bet you’ll feel nuts. Yes, I’m Siskel, yes, I’m Ebert, and you’re getting two thumbs up.” He steps in Felix’s way to flash him these two thumbs-ups.

The first people are beginning to notice what the hell Sylvain’s doing. Most of them quickly look away, but one kid takes out his phone. Oh shit. And Felix can’t even bring himself to get worked up over it. No, he’s laughing at Sylvain dancing at him now.

“You’ve had enough of two-hand touch, you want it rough, you’re out of bounds.” Sylvain leans in, lowering his voice as not to virtually shout into Felix’s ear, but modulating it into a rough-sounding, growly whisper. “I want you smothered, want you covered, like my Waffle House hash browns.” It sounds animalistic and Felix silently thanks his past self for his choice of clothing since Glenn’s old hoodie does a superb job of covering his crotch area.

“You’re like a jukebox,” Felix more hisses than says, trying and failing to copy Sylvain’s control over his voice.

Laughing, Sylvain steps away from him again. “C’mon, you haven’t heard me fail at rapping yet.”

“Do it.”

Back into the song, Sylvain ruins his performance by snickering like a six-year-old realizing what these metaphors are all about. “Come quicker than Fed Ex, never reaching apex just like Coca Cola stock. You are inclined,” Sylvain buckles over, holding his stomach and bursting out laughing in earnest now, “to make me rise an hour early—” He breaks off. “I can’t do this,” he says.

“Just like daylight savings time,” Felix says ( _not_ sings), in the monotonous, deep voice Sylvain can’t emulate.

“Wow.” Sylvain needs a minute to calm down, which Felix uses to assess the kid from before has fucked off and is not filming them anymore. “I wasn’t aware you knew the lyrics.”

“When I still lived at my old man’s place… One guess what our neighbor’s favorite band was, whose music he kept blasting through the whole street whenever he mowed the lawn.”

“Holy shit.”

“Yes. He had two young daughters. They were delighted.” Felix hands Sylvain the leash back, fingers brushing. Sylvain searches his face, and this makes Felix uncomfortable enough to ask, “Is Italian okay?”

“Italian? I only know Fren—”

“Food. Pizza. Pasta.”

Sighing, Sylvain says, “All right,” and falls into step beside Felix. “I don’t want to make you fed up with me.”

“Don’t worry. I’m keeping count of your fastidious actions. Meaning you both being nice and attentive, and you being sensitive, and you being difficult to please.”

“My good points rack up, too?”

“Yes.”

“Phew.” Sylvain chuckles, his hand knocking against Felix’s again. Eh. Whatever. Felix takes his hand. “I hope this means you had fun till now.”

“I had. Today was a good day.”

“Good? Or great?”

“Glorious.”

“Magnificent?”

“That, too.”

“Hehe.” Sylvain squeezes Felix’s hand.

“I liked it when you sung for me.”

“Duly noted. I’ll work on something original for you.” Sylvain inclines his head, leaning his closer to Felix’s and lowering his voice. “Since you don’t seem fond of songs about manhood.”

“You can’t sing about your ‘enormous penis’ and not deliver.”

Sylvain swallows loud enough for Felix to hear. “That’s awkward.”

“Glad you finally realize where the problem lies.”

“Y-yes.” To his credit, Sylvain doesn’t let go of Felix’s hand to wipe his own one clean of Felix’s gay cooties. Nope, it stays where it is, holding, fingers not linking but Felix won’t complain about this. It’s more than he bargained for.

They pass the rest of the walk up to the Italian place Felix had in mind in silence, both of Felix’s hands sneaking into the pocket of his hoodie when Lex decides to make good on his ‘poop machine’ title and has Sylvain scoop it up in a black plastic bag afterwards. Even though Sylvain rubs his hands in his sanitizer liquid afterwards, Felix is not inclined to hold Sylvain’s hand again until he washed it with generous amounts of soap.

Thankfully, Sylvain is a clean man. As soon as they step inside, he says, “Get us a nice table and I’ll be back with you in a minute.”

“‘Kay.” Felix watches Sylvain make a fool out of himself by seeking the bathroom, then spots a free seat further in, walking Lex and Sylvain’s messenger bag over.

Lex lies down under the table, eyes never moving from the place Sylvain disappeared at once he’s settled. A waiter comes by and asks Felix what he wants to drink, so he orders two glasses of water along with a carafe for refills and a bowl for Lex. Then Sylvain returns, and the instant he slides into the seat across from Felix, Felix gets up. “Bathroom, too?” he asks, one eyebrow arched.

“Yes. I ordered each of us a water.”

“Sparkling?”

“Still.”

“Good. You don’t want me to burb in your face.” Sylvain grins toothily up at Felix. Shaking his head, Felix leaves to wash his hands. The mirror shows him that Sylvain’s attempt at tying someone else’s hair was a skilful one because the ponytail still looks neat after all this time. Sylvain is drumming with his fingers on the edge of the table when Felix rejoins him and Lex. “You’re back!” Sylvain stops drumming.

“Thank you, Captain Obvious. I wouldn’t have noticed.”

Sylvain gives a quick salute. “At your service.” Felix shakes his head again to hide his smile. Their waters arrive, complete with a bowl for Lex the dog eagerly laps dry in a manner of seconds, and it’s only now that Felix appreciates having a male person waiting on them: Sylvain only has eyes for Felix.

“Let’s order a pizza. Extra large, and we share,” Felix says, rifling with little enthusiasm through the menu the waiter left them.

“Depends on the toppings.”

“Chili peppers.”

“Didn’t you already have those on your last pizza?”

“So what?” Felix glares at Sylvain over the top rim of the menu card.

“Nothing! I just meant mixing it up may be nice. For example,” Sylvain twirls a strand of his hair around a finger, “our talk about food had me thinking I’d like to have calamari on it.”

That won’t mix well. “Let’s just have them make one half with pepper for me, and one with calamari for you.”

“Deal _if_ we let each other try our respective halves.”

“Okay.” The waiter is back fast—service at this place is A+, now only the quality of the food has to deliver for Felix to have found a quality place to eat out at (or order food from whenever he’s too lazy or broken to cook)—recording their ever more complicated growing order with an air of nonchalance Felix envies. Trying to one-up each other with whatever can fit on that pizza—calamari, garlic, aioli for Sylvain, hot peppers, onions, sliced salami for Felix—has Felix eye that garlic on Sylvain’s half even as the waiter leaves to torture the place’s cooking staff.

“Sooo,” Sylvain says once the waiter is gone, eyes everywhere but on Felix, “without wanting to sound desperate, I need to ask something.”

“Go ahead.”

“If today was glorious and magnificent, then how about we meet again? Preferably in the near future?” Sylvain’s hand clasps the back of his neck. “I mean, I can understand if this is too soon. We’re still having our first—”

“Yes.”

Sylvain’s eyes snap back to Felix from where they’ve been wandering off to. A blush blossoms in his cheeks, and a smile on his lips. “Okay, so, I was thinking maybe we could, like, have a sleepover? Make the most of it? I-if it’s not too forward.”

“You’re nervous.”

“I’m afraid of rejection.”

“You don’t need to be. So…” Felix takes a sip of his water. “A sleepover.”

“Yeah. I get if you don’t wanna come over to my creepy murder den in the woods for that, and I’m down with meeting Cat—”

“Which means you won’t be able to bring Lex.” Felix shoots a pointed look at the table, as if he’s able to see through the wooden surface of it.

“Ingrid can take him in for the weekend, no problem.”

Felix raises an eyebrow. Did they already talk about it? Does Sylvain arrange for Ingrid to take care of his dog regularly, what with his philandering habits? Or is he just banking on her good graces? “All right then.”

“Whew.” Sylvain’s shoulders sink with relief and his face relaxes back into a smile. “When would you be free? In a week?”

Felix blinks. Sylvain really has no life outside of his job, his dog, his treehouse, and his plants plans anymore, does he? “I’ll be in Arianrhod. Weapons workshop.”

“Oh, right. You said.” Sylvain’s face falls.

“I’m free the weekend after that, though.”

“So in two weeks?”

“That’d work.”

“Deal?”

Felix holds out his hand, his pinky extended. “I can do you better.”

Sylvain eyes the finger, a grin blooming from his reserved smile. “Pinky promise.” He curls his own pinky around Felix’s.

Returning the gesture, Felix echoes Sylvain’s words. “Pinky promise.”

Sylvain’s grin grows even more brilliant. Felix misses the heat of his pinky the moment it retreats. “We should make a list of things to do so we won’t end up boring each other to death.”

“I doubts this is going to happen.”

Sylvain holds up an index. “Gimme a sec. I need to go down my mental bucket list of things I want to do with Felix, when we’re chilling out at one of us homes.”

“You have a bucket list?”

“Don’t you?” Sylvain cocks his head to the side.

“No?”

“Isn’t there anything you still want to do?”

_Find out if you taste as good as you smell,_ Felix’s mind helpfully shoves to the forefront of his thoughts. Licking his lips, Felix pushes this particular introspection back. “I lack ambition.”

Sylvain’s face falls. Gods. He’s too empathetic. “I hope you’ll get better.”

“Thanks.”

“So, uhm…” It’s Sylvain’s turn now to wet his lips. The hand at his neck twirls a strand of hair around a finger. “We should cook together, now that we’re both experimenting around with it.”

“Let’s hope we won’t end up poisoning each other.”

“I’m not that bad! And I don’t think you neither, since you look very much alive and healthy.”

“Better than with winter lighting on pictures?”

Sylvain’s eyes widen. “Yes, of course! You’re not as pale as I thought. And neither are you skinny. You are… How am I gonna phrase this? Well-proportioned?”

“Despite my lack of height?”

“Gods, Felix, you’re never gonna let me live down a single blunder, are you?” Sylvain pouts. It’s cute.

Felix smiles so Sylvain will realize he’s just teasing him for a change. “Want to watch a movie when we’re eating?”

“Yes!” Sylvain’s hand finally leaves his neck so he can clap both palms together. “Suggestions?”

“Something funny.”

“I didn’t think you’re one for comedies.” Sylvain smiles, humoring him. “Anything particular in mind?”

“Sweeney Todd?” Sylvain freezes. Blinks at Felix. Turns his head a little to the side, watching for a reaction or explanation. Or for something else. Felix doesn’t know. “What?”

“We’re talking about the same movie here? The one were they behead people at their barbershop to make them into meat pies?”

“Yes. They’re singing a lot.”

“The movie’s not what I’d call a ‘comedy’. I admit it does have its funny sequences but…” Sylvain scratches his head. “I thought you’d say something like Naked Gun or so? Monty Python? Men in Tights? That last one was funny, although the critics loved it less than I did.”

“They’re all pretty old.”

“So? I’d say Hangover, American Pie, I don’t know, Scary Movie? Those are newer and they are way, _way_ worse. Lackluster and crude.” Twirling a strand from his hair around a finger, Sylvain says, “Scott Pilgrim was priceless, though. There are some pearls if you squint.”

Felix shakes his head lightly. “I’m not a fan of these jokes that hinge on you finding absurd situations funny.”

“Okay, that’s a fair point.” Sylvain rubs his chin. “What about, hm, Ocean’s Eleven?”

“I saw it and then I wanted to become a criminal.”

Sylvain laughs. “That’s the spirit! But, you know, we’ll just watch whatever makes you happy.” He leans forward to rest his chin on a hand, smiling serenely at Felix.

Now only their dinner is missing. And the candlelight.

“If that’s okay with you,” Felix says.

“I’m happy when you are. It’s that easy.” Felix doesn’t mention that happiness doesn’t come easily to _him_ , although right this moment, he couldn’t feel better. Sylvain’s smile broadens and he says, “This expression suits you.”

Felix didn’t even realize he’s been mirroring Sylvain until he mentioned it. Saints. The waiter is back, placing the pizza between them on the table once Sylvain scrambles back into an upright position suitable for eating. Wishing them to enjoy their meal, the waiter leaves.

“To you and our good time,” Sylvain says, raising his glass.

Felix clinks his own to Sylvain’s. “To us.”

Sylvain smiles, eyes crinkling. Felix smiles back, careful, then buries his face in his pizza before this exercise turns into a gay scandal. The spiciness is just right, although the food could be less greasy. He can’t tell if it’s the salami or the cheese oozing fat.

“Can you play cards?” Sylvain asks.

“I know Uno.”

Sylvain grins. Of fucking course his teeth are clean, no stray cheese stuck between them, no sauce staining them. “No, with standard playing cards. You _must_ know the French-suited ones.”

“Ace of spades.”

“If you like to gamble, I tell you: I’m your man.” Sylvain winks. He didn’t sing the part, but Sylvain got the reference and Felix’s parents made sure he got it back. “Yes, spades, hearts, clubs, diamonds. So, question still stands: Can you play?”

“I played poker once, when I was in college. I partnered with my airheaded boss and we lost.” Felix rolls his eyes at the memory. Dimitri’s too expressive.

“And that’s it? No Blackjack? Baccarat? Skat? Rummy?”

“No. I don’t have the first idea what any of them are.”

Sylvain raises both eyebrows. It looks comical with him shoving pizza into his mouth at the same time. “Not even Blackjack?”

“I… I’m not sure.”

“Guess this means I gotta teach you.”

“Hm.” Felix finishes another slice of his pizza half. “We’ll have another movie night in two days. Co-worker, gym acquaintance and his roommate.” At Sylvain’s raised eyebrow, Felix hastily adds, “I told them I promised you to be available. You can text or call if seeing your parents messes with you.”

Sylvain’s expression smoothes out. “Thanks. And it’s cool that you’re trying to keep up with your contacts? Friends?”

“Friends.” Which sounds funny on Felix’s tongue but he and Ashe are over it and Caspar is all right as well. “Well, maybe not the roommate. He’s eccentric.”

“Which movie are you seeing?”

“I already forgot.”

“Tell me afterwards!” Sylvain cuts an extra slice of his pizza part and nudges it in Felix’s direction. “Also, you need to try this. It’s good.”

“Wait.” Felix scoops the rest of his pizza up onto his fork, causing the heap to fall in on itself. “Fuck.”

Sylvain snickers. “Will taste the same.”

“It would’ve stayed in shape if it was less greasy.”

“You think so?” Sylvain leans over the table and eats directly from the fork Felix is holding out to him. He somehow fits all of it into his mouth, prompting a chain of thoughts Felix doesn’t need right now what with grease dripping from Sylvain’s chin and him looking smug and in need of a kerchief at the same time, while Felix is stuck on Sylvain’s theoretical deep-throating capabilities. Yes. He’s got it that bad.

Clearing his throat and trying to think of something—anything—else, Felix lands back at the point to which he initially wanted to take the conversation. “Anyway,” he says, watching Sylvain wipe off that gunk stuck on his face, “friend movie night in two days. Co-worker said he’d bring cards in case they need to bridge time. If you end up calling.”

“Oh, make sure you get to play a round with ‘em, too. Card games are usually more fun if you’re four-ish people instead of only two.”

“Okay.”

“I liked your slice. Not too hot for me!” Sylvain holds up the slice he saved for Felix. Yes. With his bare fingers. “Now open that tunnel. Here comes the train!”

“How many times do I have to tell you I’m not a baby?”

“Choo-choo!” Grinning, Sylvain leans over the table.

Sending an inner prayer to whichever deity might be listening in, Felix squeezes his eyes shut and opens his mouth. With utmost care, Sylvain pushes the slice inside, fingers brushing against the inner part of Felix’s bottom lip. Oh, how he’d like to bite Sylvain for teasing him like this! But here he is, playing the good boy, only starting to chew once he’s sure Sylvain retracted his hand. Felix opens his eyes to stare down the smug grin he meets across the table. That asshole did it on purpose. Fucking player.

“Aaand?” Sylvain asks when Felix’s gulps.

“Edible.”

Sylvain dips his head. “I liked it.” He sounds whiny.

“I didn’t say I didn’t.”

“Is this how you’re gonna confess to your crush?” Sylvain asks. “‘I don’t exactly hate you.’”

Felix rolls his eyes. “I won’t discuss my crush any further with you.”

“Sorry. You’re just hard to read sometimes.” Sylvain’s hand touches the back of his neck. “Glad we picked this place. It’s quiet? And the food’s great.”

“It was a little too greasy for my liking, but it’s an all right place to take my co-workers.” Like Dimitri, who can’t taste anything. Not Ashe, who’ll wipe the kitchen floor with the staff. Heh. The irony. Felix hides his smile sipping from his glass.

“You’ll burn off that fat in no time.”

“I don’t have your build.”

“Which is a pain to maintain.” Sylvain perks up. “Hey, that rhymed!”

“It did. And it’s worth it. Your maintenance.”

“I won’t slack off on your watch then.” Sylvain winks. “May even throw in a striptease in two weeks.”

“And a lap dance?”

Sylvain smirks. “Sure.” He tilts his head to the side. “I know we’re done discussing your crush, but I do wonder what he’d say.”

Felix gives a half-shrug. “We’re not dating. I’m allowed to do whatever I want with whoever’s willing.”

“Does this mean you’d fuck me?”

Felix swallows. “It means you can feel free to throw in that striptease. Although I was under the impression you were joking.”

“I probably lack the balls necessary to strip for a man in a joking manner when I’m aware he could be turned on. It’s,” the fingers around Sylvain’s neck clench, “harder to hide. I mean, I would probably look for it and notice.”

Worrying his bottom lip, Felix thinks on this for a moment. “See, I get you’ve probably never had a sleepover with another grown-up man before, but you should know yourself that sometimes you just pop that random boner for no reason. It happens.” Sylvain nods. Good. “So don’t worry about it. We’ve been through it both. And, for the record,” Felix picks up his glass to empty it after his small speech, “if I really wanted to fuck you, I’d only do it if you wanted to be fucked by me in turn.”

Sylvain’s cheeks go from rosy to a shade only healthy in tomatoes. “Okay.” His eyes dart all over the table, eventually settling on the empty carafe. “You wanna pay?”

“Okay.” Felix is very aware of Sylvain’s eyes now resting on him as he stands up and makes his way over to the bar, wallet in hand. He pays for everything and tips them a generous amount on account of Sylvain being thrilled at his dinner. When he turns back, Sylvain is already getting up, bag slung over his shoulder, Lex’s leash in hand. Felix waits for Sylvain to catch up to him. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

“Thanks. You’re really gallant.” Felix snorts. He leads the way outside, holding the door open for Sylvain and Lex to slip out easily. “See? That’s what I mean. Noble. Chivalric. As expected from a true Faerghus—”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Raising both arms, Sylvain steps an extra meter away from Felix. His head snaps around. “Hey, I didn’t even notice how dark it’s gotten.”

“And cold.”

“I brought a jacket. Wait a sec…” Sylvain rummages through his messenger bag, pulling out a black college jacket with red sleeves neatly folded up. He holds it out to Felix. “Here.” Who’s the gentleman now? Worse, Felix thinks he recognizes the jacket from several of Sylvain’s older Instagram entries.

“Aren’t you cold yourself?”

“Nah. My circulation’s crazy. I told you how I overheated in Enbarr?”

“Yes. Don’t do that again.”

“That’s why you’re taking the jacket.” Sylvain closes the little distance between himself and Felix. “C’mon.”

Unable to refuse any longer, Felix gives in. He takes the proffered jacket and slips into it, trying not to think about how it positively stinks of Sylvain or how it’s too big on him much like Glenn’s hoodie, but then Sylvain has a few centimeters on Felix’s late brother, too, forcing him to roll up the sleeves a little so he can button the thing up. How wearing someone else’s clothing is intimate, a proof of friendship and trust, especially since the college jacket’s Adrestian design likely means it’s a keepsake from Sylvain’s better years away from his family. And how Sylvain played down his own need for the jacket, as if he’d known he wouldn’t need it the instant he decided to pack it anyway. For Felix’s sake? In case he gets cold?

Warmth (not due to the jacket, but from his deepest core) floods through Felix. When Sylvain said he tried to think of everything to bring, he meant it. Felix swallows around the lump forming in his throat and looks up at Sylvain, who’s rambling away about something or other without Felix having noticed.

“Where’s your car parked?” he asks, causing Sylvain to stop talking about sunsets and moon phases and meteor showers and light pollution or whatever he was philosophizing about.

“Oh, just off Main Street.”

“You paid for parking?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I’ll need to show you some free spots for future reference.”

“You saved me enough money today.” Sylvain pats Felix’s shoulder. His hand lingers when they start walking, then slips down the length of Felix’s arm to knock against his hand. Since Sylvain appears to be unable to take the next step this time, Felix curls his fingers around Sylvain’s hand. He longs to link their fingers, just this once, just to find out what it’s like, but he’s too scared of rejection now that he’s in neck-deep and convincing himself Sylvain likes him back.

Well. There would be one way to find out.

Summoning all the boldness he has in him, Felix says, “You said you’re not sure if you ever liked someone.”

“Uhm… I did, didn’t I.”

“Yes.”

“I’m also not sure if you want me to ask about your crush _now_ , or if it’s all right to ask you how you feel about him. As in, what chemical cocktail your brain shoots through you?” Sylvain sounds genuinely curious.

Felix worries his bottom lip. “For me it’s several things. I get nervous? My heart beats faster and I feel the blood rush everywhere, especially my face. I get these stupid butterflies in the stomach. Weak knees. Sweaty hands.” Which he doesn’t have now, courtesy of the air turning cold enough to bite. “Are you sure you’re not cold?”

“I’m fine!” Sylvain squeezes Felix’s hand. “And thanks for your explanation. Uh, if it’s not too personal, when you said your blood rushes everywhere, do you mean you get horny?”

Felix sighs with such fervor he groans at the same time. “It’s not what I meant, but yes I do.”

“All right.” Sylvain steers them around a corner. Props to him to be able to navigate to his car in relative darkness in a city he only visits from time to time, and not often enough to care about the good parking spots.

“Do you say the name of the person you’re thinking of?”

Seiros, what in the names of the gods is this conversation? “I tend to stay quiet.”

Sylvain chuckles. “I’m loud. I’ve been told it’s hot.”

“Having a responsive partner makes it easier to figure out what they like.”

“But there’s still points you should talk about, right?” Sylvain laughs uncertainly. “I’ve had too many one-off flings to tell. What do you think about body hair?”

“Too much facial hair is… not my jam.”

“Morning stubble?”

“Depends on the person, but most dudes kiss way too fiercely. As though they have to prove they’re still manly or whatever.” Felix snorts. “It always feels like I’ll get a rash from that beard burn. But five-o-clock shadows can look sexy on the right person.”

“I wish it was a little lighter out so I could see yours,” Sylvain says, scratching his own face. Tease.

“Please don’t.”

“It can’t be that horrible.”

“It’s probably not but it makes me look like my father and then I regret… things.” Felix swallows. “How I behaved.”

“Oh.” Sylvain squeezes Felix’s hand. Right. His hand is still folded around Sylvain’s, and Sylvain’s around his in turn. It feels so natural, apparently, that Felix plain forgot. “Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Sylvain leads Felix around a block and they emerge on Main Street. After the silence filled only by Lex trying to piss against street lanterns and parking cars, by the conversations between people they pass, and by the usual Fhirdiad evening traffic passing, Sylvain asks, “What about other body hair?”

“I don’t mind it.”

“Not even armpit hair?”

“I don’t get what’s supposed to be so ugly or gross about it.”

Sylvain laughs. “You’re so chill. What about pussy hair? Or balls hair?”

“I don’t give a fuck. Either it’s there or it’s not or it’s growing back.” Felix shrugs. “It’s just hair?”

“It feels different from the one on your head. Not as soft.”

_I wouldn’t be surprised if your fucking pubes felt like feathers, too,_ Felix thinks. Oh, what he’d give to find out! “Yes, but I don’t understand how everyone wants to grow hair on the scalp but if some grows on your leg it’s a sin?”

“I wish I had a hand free so I could ruffle your hair.”

“Don’t even think about it,” Felix hisses.

Laughing, Sylvain says, “I love your pragmatism. And I’m glad it translates to things like this as well.”

“Body hair is just… inconsequential. I don’t get the big deal. Yeah, ass hair sucks, but the way kids must feel when they watch porn and see themselves grow hair everywhere? I’m glad I missed out on _that_.”

“You know what?”

“Hm?”

Sylvain lets go of Felix’s hand to wrap his whole arm around his shoulders and push Felix into his chest. “I’ll miss you when I’m home.”

Felix breathes Sylvain in with a stuttering gasp for air. He’ll miss him, too. His arms come around as Sylvain wraps his other arm around Felix in turn. Burying his face in Sylvain’s chest ( _man tits_ , his brain helpfully supplies), Felix holds onto Sylvain as if he’s his whole world. One of Sylvain’s hands sneaks upwards, fingers trailing along Felix’s spine to the nape of his neck. Felix’s hairs stand up at the touch that makes him shiver. A chuckle rumbles in Sylvain’s chest and he cups the back of Felix’s head, applying the littlest pressure.

Safe. Secure. Content. This is what Felix feels. This, and so many more things he can’t put adequately into words because love isn’t a language he speaks well. A part of him is sad that their conversation just now was so sexual in nature when he’d be happy if he got to hold Sylvain like this for the rest of his life, at night, in the cold, his dog on a leash, people all around and barriers of clothes between them.

He wants to say so many things, mumble them into Sylvain’s chest, not caring if the man can even make it out with the traffic zipping past right behind him, whisper them right into his ears because suddenly Felix cares too much and needs him to know just how much that is, and then the moment is over because Sylvain lets go and decides for Felix to carry his secret a while longer.

“My car is just around the next corner,” Sylvain says, head turning back towards Felix as he resumes walking. “Hey, you’re shivering.”

Felix takes a deep breath, this one not smelling enough of cinnamon and baked apples and dried oranges, and steadies his nerves. “I’m fine.”

“You’re cold! I can drive you home, you know. I mean, I would have anyway but—”

“Shut up. Just let me revel in this moment.”

To his credit, Sylvain doesn’t so much as hum in understanding agreement. He simply picks up Felix’s hand again, leading him around this last corner to a black station wagon with an Itha license plate. Felix doesn’t know what he expected Sylvain to drive, but this fits the bill. He watches Sylvain fumble for his key and unlock the car, watches him pick up Lex and carry him into the dog box waiting in the trunk, watches him place his messenger bag next to the dog box, watches him close the trunk and turn around to face Felix. “I know we just hugged—”

“Okay,” Felix cuts him off, taking a step towards Sylvain and pulling him close.

Sylvain’s arms snake around him fiercely enough to cut off Felix’s air flow for a second, adding an additional layer to his lightheadedness and his heart straining against the confinements of his chest. For all its intensity, Sylvain cuts this hug short, a hand lingering on Felix’s shoulder along with a smile that says more than words could convey. “Get in,” he says, squeezing Felix’s shoulder before making for the driver’s door.

“You shouldn’t get in a car with a stranger.”

Sylvain stops in his movements and looks over the roof of his car at Felix. “I hop I’m not a stranger anymore.”

“No.” Felix looks down. “Can I take a pic of your license plate and send it to my boss? So he can avenge me in case you’re the serial killer he warned me of after all.”

Sylvain laughs. He walks around to the back of his car, crouches down next to the license plate and flashes one of his camera smiles. “Better make sure you give him my face, too.”

Felix takes the picture and pens Dimitri a short text explaining this weird photo and to call him later this evening. “Thanks.”

“No biggie.” Sylvain jogs back to the driver’s door and gets inside.

It’s a weird feeling, climbing in on the passenger’s side. Felix doesn’t get to do more than buckle his seatbelt when Sylvain turns on the dome light. Felix shields his eyes against the sudden brightness. “What the fuck.”

“Look at me.”

Felix lowers his arm and sees Sylvain in a three-quarter profile, navigating his phone’s music menu on the car console. Seen from this angle and proximity, Sylvain’s eyelashes appear mascara’d, long and dark and lustrous. “I’m looking,” Felix says, causing Sylvain to move his eyes up and focus on him.

A smile spreads slowly over his lips. “There’s a hint of evening stubble on your face. Handsome.”

“Same,” Felix says, observing the red points peeking through Sylvain’s skin catch the dead LED light and give it life.

Sylvain laughs shyly, the skin of his cheeks coloring in red as well now. He leans over and turns off the dome light. “Guide me.” Sylvain starts the engine, the action more heard than felt. The headlights come to life as does the soft sound of something orchestral—Tchaikovsky, if Felix had to wager a guess. After disengaging the parking brake, Sylvain puts his car into drive.

“It’s not far,” Felix says. “Down Main Street, go left at the third intersection from here and then right at the second from there.”

“Sounds doable. Tell me if I go wrong.”

“Mhm.” With nothing better to do, Felix rests his head on his hand leaned against the window, watching Sylvain operate his car and listening to him hum along to the music. All his emotions converge: Happiness and bliss at the sheer beauty of the day and his experiences warring with the awful realization that it’ll be over in mere minutes. There’s a taste of bitter disappointment they didn’t do _more_ , didn’t hug more, didn’t _really_ hold hands with fingers interlinked, didn’t kiss in private or in public, when a simultaneous, savory relief fights the gall, relief at Sylvain giving so many signs pointing to a mutual interest, not just in the friendship, but hinting at something at the very least sexual in nature, if not outright romantic attraction.

Sylvain stops the car. “We’re here, I guess.”

Felix looks out. “We are.”

Sylvain’s eyes flit over, then he turns to face Felix completely. “I want to thank you for the great day. No, _glorious, magnificent_ day.” He smiles. “We made so many wonderful memories I can fall back on when everything goes to shit in two days.”

“If.”

Sylvain’s smile grows strained. He licks his lips and the mask is back in place. “I made a new headspace today to use as a shelter against experiences bad and evil. It won’t be able to hold everything back, but it’ll help me get through my bad days. And I can’t thank you enough for this.” Sylvain’s eyes redden. His lips quiver. His mask falls.

Felix unbuckles and leans forward to catch Sylvain in his arms. “You care too much about how other people perceive you,” he says, even as Sylvain is silently crying into his shoulder again. “Be yourself, be proud of who you are. I’ll be there for you whenever you need a friend, just a phone call away.” Felix brushes Sylvain’s feathery hair with his hand, shifts in his seat, pours everything he can into an embrace as awkward as this one.

Sylvain disentangles himself from Felix after a minute, wiping the back of a hand over his eyes. “Stupid me. Now I can’t get a clear last look at you.”

“I can wait another minute.” Felix pries his squashed tissues out and hands one to Sylvain.

He laughs. Sylvain’s whole body relaxes, prompting a smile from Felix. He’ll be fine. At least for a while. “Thank you. Never doubt the good inside you either.”

“I can try.”

Sylvain dabs at his eyes with the tissue. “Good enough for now.” He holds out his free hand, pinky extended. “Let’s promise each other to drive out the best in each other.”

Felix curls his own pinky around Sylvain’s. “Pinky promise.”

Sylvain pulls a little on Felix’s finger before uncurling his. “Have a nice evening. Text me later?”

“You sure I haven’t had enough of you yet?” Felix smirks.

Sylvain smirks right back. “I am.”

Felix won’t give him the satisfaction of being right by admitting it. “Smell you later, cheese boy,” he says, grinning when Sylvain sticks out his tongue. “Get home safe. Text me when you are.”

“Of course!”

Although he wants to, Felix doesn’t look back as Sylvain waits for him to enter the house he lives in. Lex howls loudly enough to break his heart some more.

It’s only when Felix greets Cat in his condo, having her sniff and take in the new smells he’s coated in, that he realizes he’s still wearing Sylvain’s college jacket.


	23. Day 48

Fhirdiad West Cemetery is an awful place for several reasons.

One: The main paths aren’t paved and early Fhirdiad March is known for thawing ice, spring rain showers, and mud. Back in the day, before Fódlan adopted European and American customs in naming the months, this particular one was known as _Lone Moon_. No wonder, Felix thinks. Everyone would want to be the fuck alone in this weather.

Two: There’s no rhyme nor reason to the way the graves are administered. Someone decides to bite the dust and there isn’t a family plot yet? Apparently the gravediggers pick a vacant spot at random. Probably throwing darts at a map of the place. Blindfolded. Navigating the labyrinth that is this cemetery requires a formal education with boy scouts. Or girl scouts. Or whatever. Wherever someone feels at home most.

Three: Most people who frequent the place are old. Not old as in 29. Old as in 99. Felix feels out of place, holding a bundle of cut peonies and a grace candle and craning his neck for the Fraldarius plot. He berates himself for not having visited sooner, and nausea spreads through him at the thought he’ll spend enough time here eventually. Permanently.

Felix is sure he passed this particular old lady rambling at the gravestone of her late husband at least three times when he spots the family plot. He pays the cemetery gardeners a monthly fee to take care of the grave in his stead, so it’s spotless. Someone planted a small rosebush around it, only thorns this late in the year. Compared with the other graves, though, the Fraldarius plot looks too… sterile. Cared for, yes, but not loved.

Instead of dropping the flowers like he imagined himself doing all the times he’s gone through the visit in his head, Felix drops to a knee and digs out the small vase buried under rotting leaves and needles. He places the candle by the grave to wash the vase at the next water trough, fill it up, and place the peonies inside. Then he drills the vase into the ground in front of the headstone too full with names and yet inviting his to join with the free space left under Glenn’s.

Felix stares at the names. At the grave. He shifts his weight from one leg to the other, then looks about himself. Even though it’s a holiday, almost no one’s out, likely due to the terrible weather and seeping cold. Even the old lady is gone. “Sorry for not visiting sooner,” Felix mutters when he’s sure everyone who could listen in is out of earshot. “Life is hard. But I made it today. I miss you all, so I’ll try to drop by more often from now on.”

A wry smile crosses his face. He picks up the candle and lights it before replacing it. The thing is supposed to burn for 24 hours, so it better light up the place this night.

“I hope you guys are listening or I’m making a damn fool out of myself right now.” Felix sighs, his pretense of stoicism and apathy fleeing his body with his breath. “Dad? I’m sorry for being an asshole to you ‘til the bitter end.” Felix’s voice comes out too soft for his liking. He clears his throat and tries again. “I recently reconnected with Dimitri. We’re friends again. And I made some more, after all this time of being pissed at the world twenty-four seven.”

Felix’s shoulders sag. He reads over the names on the headstone once more, channeling some confidence.

“One of them’s… special? I like him. In the romantic way. He doesn’t know yet, but maybe it’ll work out. It makes me… sad that I won’t be able to introduce him properly to you. You would’ve liked him.” Felix strains his face to smile. “Well, I’m not so sure about you, Mom, but Dad’s already got a history of semi-adopting dudes into our family, and Glenn? You would’ve loved teasing the ever-living shit out of me together with him.” Felix inhales sharply. There’s the taste of snot on his tongue. Ew. Wiping at his face, he says, “If this works out with him, I’m gonna do you the honor and drag him here. To say hi or whatever.”

Felix wipes at his face again. This sucks. He waits until he stops trembling, makes sure his voice is steady and strong again, draws himself up to his full height, back straight, shoulders squared.

“Your headstone sucks anyway. I’ll see if they let me paint it or some shit. This white is gonna blind me when the sun shines.”

Having said his piece, Felix glares at the grave some more. To be honest, he’d like to commission a new headstone, but there’s probably some sentimental value attached to this one. And he isn’t sure if replacing headstones fucks with souls or ghosts or places in the afterlife or whatever, so he’ll leave it be. For now.

The wind lashes against Felix’s face. Retreating into his shell of a scarf-and-coat combination, he turns around and walks home.

* * *

The bell rings. Felix looks at the half-chopped vegetables, juice dripping from the knife in his hand. If there’s one mark of a beginner cook, it’s how he vastly underestimated the time needed to prepare enough for a whole family, comprised of four grown men.

And a woman, Felix finds out after hearing the bell ring and trudging to the comm, the knife wiped but still in his hand, demanding, “State your name and your relationship to this case.”

There’s a high-pitched giggle, clueing Felix in: Ashe brings Annette fucking everywhere except work. “Ashe, guest and movie provider,” comes Ashe’s voice, distorted by the comm.

“And Annette!” says, well… Annette. “Guest of a guest.”

“Come on up and make sure Cat doesn’t slip out,” Felix says, buzzing the front door open for them and leaving the door to his condo leaning against the locking mechanism. He wanders back into his kitchen to continue chopping.

Footsteps approach from outside, and when the door creaks open, Cat rushes into the kitchen to hide behind Felix. Unused to the shuffling around of strangers in his home himself, Felix forces himself to keep steady with his knife. The door clicks shut and instead of the usual air of quiescence, activity and hushed voices bustle in his condo.

“Felix?” asks Ashe.

“Kitchen.”

Cat peeks at the newcomers from behind Felix’s legs as Ashe and Annette enter. Annette walks around with measured steps, taking the blandness of Felix’s place in and probably thinking about what a big loser he is while Ashe pipes up, “Can I help you with that?”

“Sure. It’s supposed to be this spicy coconut milk and tofu dish. With rice.” Felix inclines his head to the recipe he printed out and pinned to the range hood with a magnet. Caspar will be as dismayed as Felix at the lack of meat in it, but Linhardt looks like he prefers veggies, and with Annette here as well, Felix feels like he made the right decision in trying to find something meatless but spicy.

Ashe hums in agreement as he reads through the recipe. Felix goes back to chopping, no doubt like an amateur if his lack of speed is any indication, but Ashe keeps his mouth shut. Annette plops down on one of the chairs, stretches her legs and arms out, and says, “I better not help or the whole place is going to burn down involuntarily.”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Felix says. “We agreed the host provides the food.”

“It’s so nice of you to cook! Since it’s fresh and all. And everyone likes men who know their way around a kitchen.”

“Since you don’t,” Ashe says, grinning.

“My talents lie elsewhere,” Annette counters. “Oh, is this Cat the cat?” The chair creeks when she gets up, stepping into Felix’s personal space bubble to get a closer look.

“Yes,” Felix says. Ashe, meanwhile, has stepped further away from him, eyeing the ingredients Felix neatly laid out before he started. He arms himself with the necessary tools and, without a word, joins Felix in his task.

“Can I pick her up?” Annette asks. “Or is pandemonium going to break out?”

“Let her sniff your hand, and let her decide. She’s usually cuddly.”

“Okay.” Squatting, Annette holds out her hand. Cat takes a tiny step towards her and skips the sniffing stage, pushing her forehead into Annette’s palm. “Aw, look! She already likes me!”

“Told you. She’s easy.”

“Unlike Caspar’s monster,” Ashe says.

Annette returns to the chair, Cat trailing after her. “I want to meet him, too!”

“Good news for Caspar,” Felix says.

“I meant his cat!” Sighing, Annette plops back down. Cat jumps onto her lap and starts purring when Annette pets her.

“Felix, don’t you have a wok?” Ashe asks.

“No.”

“Then I know what I’m getting you for New Year’s…” Sighing, Ashe relegates himself to working with what Felix does have.

“Don’t feel indebted.”

“I don’t! So, can I ask about a certain someone with, uh…” Ashe nods his head towards Annette.

“I heard you!” Annette says.

Felix rolls his eyes. “What’s it matter.” It’s not like they know each other. And who can she tell? Felix fills a pot with water and dumps enough rice into it to feed them all.

“This is the craziest story,” Ashe begins, making sure Annette will remember forever and Felix will never live it down. “Felix received this message on his phone from someone mistaking him for someone else. Unknown number. Turns out he’s this really friendly _and_ hot guy. Show her the pic, Felix.”

“No.”

“The one where he’s half-naked!”

“I said: No.”

“Aw, I wanna see it!” Annette whines. Sighing, Felix fishes for his phone in his pants’ pocket and opens the reasons for his nights spent doing other things than sleep. He slides his phone to her and utters a prayer in his mind. “Oh, wow. Like, _wow_. Is that tattoo real?”

“Yes,” Felix says.

“And the abs?”

“I think so.”

“His tits are,” Ashe helpfully adds.

Annette takes the phone in hand and zooms in, lingering on different parts visible of Sylvain. Eventually, she holds out the phone towards Felix again. “I agree he’s hot.”

Felix takes back his phone. Ashe says, “Then we all agree. So anyway, this guy and Felix got really chummy and decided to spend some quality time with each other two days ago.”

“Don’t phrase it like this,” Felix bites out.

“It’s true, though!”

“It’s not. We just hung out.”

Annette asks, “Oh, for the first time?”

“Yes. It was great. Now both of you stop asking.” The bell chimes again, relieving Felix of having to provide details after all. “I didn’t expect them to be on time.”

Ashe says, “Lin? No. But Caspar would be excited enough.”

“I can see him mix up the numbers.”

“He’s pretty good with being on time, though!”

Leaving the knife in what is transforming rapidly into Ashe’s domain, Felix goes to his comm. No stupid jokes this time in case they brought their lost third friend from Adrestia along. “Just checking who’s there,” Felix says as if his bell rings all the time and not only when he ordered food.

“Caspar!” Caspar’s unmistakable voice shouts, distorted by the comm and loud enough to break into white noise. Felix takes a step back. “And Linhardt! C’mon, say something.”

“Something.” Peak Linhardt.

“We’re in the kitchen. Close the doors behind you. And make sure Cat doesn’t slip out.” Felix opens both doors for them, then returns to provide Ashe with support. As expected, there isn’t much left for Felix to do. “So, who decided for you,” he nods towards Annette, “to tag along?”

“I make my own decisions,” she says, then smiles and shrugs. “Ashe asked me if I’d like to hang out with you guys and I thought, hey, why not? You seem like a cool bunch. And you can use some girl power.”

“Point taken.” Let’s hope she won’t end up too scarred by all these bachelors’ places. Occupying himself with cleaning the knives used, Felix waits for the two remaining guests to appear. Caspar’s arrival is marked by his loud voice babbling without restraint, and Felix’s heart goes out to Linhardt who probably had to deal with this their whole way here. And they’ll still have their way home for more one-sided chatter.

“Now which way is the kitchen?” Felix hears Caspar ask.

“Here,” he says.

The door swings open to Caspar marching inside as if he owns the place, stopping dead in his tracks when he registers Annette’s presence. “Hi. You new?”

“Yeah, I came with Ashe.” She smiles. “I’m Annette.”

“Caspar.” He walks over to her to squeeze her hand. “Or you wanna fist bump?”

“Sure!”

They do, much to Caspar’s delight. “You’re cool. I like you.” He trades a way more complicated handshake with Ashe, thumping him on his back for good measure, then comes grinning at Felix. “Hey, how you doin’?”

“Good.”

“Great?”

“Fantastic.” At Caspar’s prompt to smile as well, Felix does. “But I won’t dap.”

“Boring, you old man.” Still, Caspar holds out his fist and Felix knocks his against it.

“Hi everyone,” Linhardt says, standing in the doorway. His nose twitches. “Do I smell cat?” As if on cue (or because she heard her name and responds to it), Cat squirms in Annette’s arms and meows. Annette lets her go, and Cat inspects the newcomers.

“Can’t you introduce yourself anymore?” Caspar asks Linhardt even as he reaches down to give Cat a thorough petting.

Cat decides Caspar’s way of rubbing her head real fast is not her thing, so she walks over to Linhardt. He picks her up, a fond smile already on his face. “What’s your name?”

“Cat,” Felix deadpans.

“Like in CatDog. Interesting.” And with that, he walks off, Cat in his arms.

Caspar sighs, taking the chair opposite Annette. “Don’t mind Lin. He’s a weirdo.”

“No damage done!” Annette flashes him a smile. “I’m an elementary school teacher and trust me, I’ve seen the bottom of the pond. Children can be incredibly mean.”

“Oh, what do you teach?”

“Music and maths!”

Caspar retches. “You studied maths? Of your own volition?”

Annette laughs, and not her usual bubbly one. No, this laugh is full of malicious pride at her own abilities. “I did.” At least her and Caspar are getting along.

“Shit, man.” Caspar scratches the back of his head. “You’re probably the smartest person in the house right now.”

“I wouldn’t say that! Maths is just logic. It’s easy.”

“Logic. Easy,” Caspar repeats under his breath, scowling.

“I’ll go set the table,” Felix says, grabbing several bowls and spoons. Linhardt has already made himself comfortable on the sofa, Cat purring in his lap. “I see you two understand each other.” Felix places the bowls on the table. This is gonna get cozy with five people.

“We’re ‘vibing’, as the kids say these days.”

“I see.”

“I saw your bookshelf.” Linhardt closes his eyes. “Not impressive, but at least you seem to read more in a year than Caspar’s going to complete in his lifetime.”

Unsure if this is a compliment or an insult, Felix opts for an, “Okay,” and leaves for the kitchen again. It’s great Linhardt and Cat like each other because so far, Felix has yet to see something more than a tagalong in Linhardt.

“—put me on a sled and pushed me down between rows of trees, and I was screaming my lungs out because, hard to believe, but I was scared shitless—”

“Want to start?” Felix asks, interrupting Caspar monologuing.

“I’m done here,” Ashe says, picking a ladle from the rack and carrying the pot with the veggies and sauce, the rice in it now as well.

Felix takes a trivet and tunes out Annette telling Caspar, “Please continue! You were at the best part!” followed by Caspar’s laugh and more tales from his childhood.

Linhardt is still sitting on the sofa with Cat comfortable in his lap. Both are watching the procession with silent interest. “Wanna start right away?” Ashe asks after setting down the heavy pot.

“Fine with me,” Linhardt replies.

“Oh, yeah, I’m so stoked!” Caspar says, walking over together with Annette. “Princess Monosomething!”

“Mononoke,” Ashe says. He scuttles off to his backpack, producing both the DVD and the deck of cards he said he’d bring in case Sylvain calls. Right.

“If anyone forgot, I might get a call this evening I’ll have to take,” Felix says.

Ashe is back and hands him the DVD case. “Which is why I brought cards.” He holds up the deck, then turns to Annette. “I think I told you.”

“Is it the shredded guy from—” Annette whispers at the same volume Felix would have expected from Caspar.

“Yes,” Felix says, sitting down at the edge of his sofa, next to Linhardt. He will at the very least not disturb Felix, nor will he stretch out his legs over him.

“What’s this?” Linhardt points at the pot.

“Ashe took over cooking. This is, uh, tofu with pepper and carrots. In coconut milk. It’s supposed to be hot.”

“You forgot to mention the rice,” Ashe says.

“I don’t know what anyone eats or doesn’t and it seemed like a safe bet. I hope no one’s allergic.”

“No meat…” Caspar makes a sad face.

“I think it smells absolutely delicious!” Annette says, clapping her hands together. She scoops some up onto her bowl, Ashe filling the others afterwards and handing them out.

“Nothing to drink?” Linhardt asks.

“Shit.” Felix places his bowl on the table and rushes to the kitchen.

“I don’t want to drink—”

“Shut up, Lin!”

Thank Caspar. Felix raids his fridge for coke for those who like it, alcohol-free beer for people like him, and apple juice for anyone else. Ashe passes him on the way to the living room and says, “I’ll bring glasses.”

“Second cupboard from the left when you enter.”

“Thanks!”

Felix places the beverages on the table. “If anyone wants water, use the kitchen tap. Bathroom is over there.” He points to the door, everyone’s heads dutifully turning. “Leave the doors open for Cat.”

“You know what, I’ll go right away,” Annette says. She vanishes in the blink of an eye, and Felix’s stomach sinks for a second. Will his bathroom be on par with her standards? It’s been forever since he had friends over or tried to low-key impress anyone but Sylvain (who’s still one-and-a-half weeks away from his place), much less anyone who might take offense at rudimentary solutions to missing household items or repair work typical of male-wired brains.

Ashe, meanwhile, tech-savvy as ever, grabs the remotes to start up the DVD.

“It’s kinda plain-looking here, if you don’t mind me saying,” Caspar says.

Felix replies, “You know how it is,” as if that would clue him in in the slightest.

“Not really, but I guess this minimalist lifestyle keeps everything tidy.” Caspar helps himself to the coke while Linhardt goes for the apple juice. Felix grabs a beer himself.

“I’m back!” Annette announces herself, plopping down again next to Ashe to form their line: Annette on the right end of the sofa, Ashe sitting next to her, then Caspar half-slumped onto Linhardt’s shoulder, Lin cradling Cat, and Felix on the left end. It’s a tight fit, and for the first time Felix is glad to have missed the party where big asses were handed out. Unlike Sylvain.

“I hope you’ll enjoy the movie and the dinner,” Felix says, taking his own bowl and spoon in hand.

Linhardt asks, “Do you perchance have chopsticks?”

“No.” Felix doesn’t even know how to properly hold them.

“You should get re-usable ones,” Ashe says. “You know what, I’ll get them for you with the wok.”

“Ashe…”

“Let’s enjoy the movie!” Ashe picks up the remotes and increases the TV’s volume before starting up the DVD. “I really hope you’ll like it. It’s one of my all-time favorites.”

Felix digs into his food, eyes on the TV with disdain. Animation isn’t his thing.

* * *

Felix takes it back. The movie is dark and gritty and violent, even disturbing to a degree. He’s so absorbed that he only notices his phone ring when Linhardt nudges him in the side. Scrambling for his dignity as much as for his phone, Felix confirms it’s Sylvain whose name is displayed. His stomach flutters and sinks at the same time. If he’s calling, it’s bad. “I have to take this one, sorry.”

“Take your time,” Ashe says, already having stopped the movie and now opening his deck of cards.

Felix flashes him a grateful smile that feels like it looks closer to a frown, then rushes into his bedroom. After softly shutting the door behind him, he picks up the call. “Hey.” The word lacks Felix’s usual bite.

“Hello Felix,” Sylvain says in a voice so subdued it breaks Felix’s heart. “I’m glad I could reach you.”

“I promised.”

“I hope I’m not interrupting you—”

“You come first.” Sylvain makes a sound that could be interpreted as a small laugh or as an attempt not to burst out in tears. “What do you need? An ear, advice, a distraction?”

“I don’t know yet.”

Felix sits down on his bed. “You can just breathe at me if it makes you feel better.”

“I can’t even _really_ breathe at you.”

“You gotta admit that would be a little weird.”

“A little, yeah.” Sylvain laughs uncertainly, then sighs. “I guess what I really need is to talk to someone sane.”

“I’m not sure this is an apt description for me, all things considered.”

“If you put it like this, no one’s really sane.”

“Touché.” Since he can’t lean his back anywhere, Felix lets himself fall backwards to lie on his mattress. “We were in the middle of the movie when you called. Princess Mononoke.”

“Again, I’m sorry for interrupting!”

“Shut up. I told you I’d be here for you.”

“Still…” Sylvain sighs. “What do you think of the movie so far?”

“I expected some kiddie theater and got served something my brand of dark and heavy.”

“Interesting. I’d thought you’d hate it because it’s animated.”

“I was prejudiced and I admit I was wrong.”

Sylvain chuckles. “Fair enough.” On his end of the line, Sylvain shuffles around. Felix listens to him, to his breathing like he joked he could. It’s calming, for some reason. Perhaps his own breathing has the same effect on Sylvain? “So I’m at my parents’,” Sylvain says after a while, his voice sounding strained. “Not right now. I took Lex for a walk and now we’re maybe a hundred meters from their home.”

“Anything happen?”

“My mom made cake. Raspberry and strawberry, from frozen fruit. The good stuff although I think you’ll disagree.”

“Did it taste like you’ll be sitting at the dentist next week?”

“Yes.” Sylvain laughs. “Sugary and topped with whipped cream. And like I said, I thought it was great. My dad isn’t into sugary stuff either, but he ate a piece out of courtesy. We made some smalltalk. Work. Dog. News. Their neighbors. How Ingrid is. And then the interrogation began.” Sylvain sighs.

“He asked how you’re doing?”

“Mhm, and he’s an expert at making every conversation about him and his non-existent grandchildren, and how he already had a child when he was 28, and how I’m almost four years older and still haven’t accomplished more than being the talk of the town. Or, well, village. In the meaning of causing scandals.”

“When you said you wanted to have a kid eventually, you didn’t say so because he sort of put it into your head, right?”

“Nope. It’d be cool to be a dad but… this is looming over me like a rain cloud.” Sylvain groans. “I can’t jump into a relationship and knock someone up and have a kid nine months later, just like this. And he—my dad—wouldn’t want a bastard anyway, or me to be a single dad because nothing ever works out when I’m involved. And truth be told, I wouldn’t want this either. Not like this.”

“You shouldn’t have children for your parents’ sake anyway.”

“And I won’t.” Sighing, Sylvain goes on, “You know, he always asks me about my love life, as if it’s any concern of his. And when I honestly said I’m not interested in pursuing relationships with women right now, he got so worked up.” Sylvain laughs but it sounds fake. “He said I’m in the prime of my youth and at the age where you should settle down with someone and get married and start a family, yadda yadda.”

“How much of that do you even want?”

“At the moment? I don’t know. I’m doing a lot of thinking and in the process figure out a lot about myself.” Sylvain scratches something. His face? Lex? “To be honest, it would be nice to fall in love with someone and be together with them. But I’d like to enjoy this new thing first before I rush into marriage or anything. If it even works out.”

“It sucks how your father tries to have his way.”

“I won’t let him have it.”

“Good. Anyway, can’t you just go home?”

“I’d like to.” Sylvain sighs again. “But my mom… I don’t know, I feel like I arrived here and they were doing great until my dad started prying _again_ , and she’s the one who gets the worst of it. Because she wants us to get along, and—” Sylvain makes a frustrated sound. “You know, I don’t want them to feel like they lost both their children.”

“I see.”

Sylvain clears his throat. His voice is quiet when he speaks. “I really want to hug you right now. And be hugged back. Have an anchor.”

“I—”

“You don’t have to say you can’t. I know that.” Sylvain sounds so sad Felix wishes he could teleport to him and give him what he needs. “It just felt so good? I’m always a little afraid when I hug my other friends because I might squish boob and that’s weird, but I can’t with you and… I don’t know, I just feel like I can hold you closer.” Sylvain’s voice breaks. “It was amazing.”

Felix’s heart thumps. “Ten more days.”

“And take all the hugs I want?” A smile creeps back into Sylvain’s voice. “I do feel bad because I’m a very physical person and you said you’re not.”

Rolling over onto his side and drawing his knees up to his chest, Felix says, “I don’t mind with you.”

“Despite your crush?” He sounds so teasing. Felix is suddenly sure Sylvain has him all figured out. Probably has for weeks and not said anything.

His voice is trembling along with his whole body when Felix says, “Because of it. Him. Whatever.”

“I see,” is all Sylvain says. “I don’t want to hold you up—”

“It’s fine.” Especially now that Sylvain seems to be out of his slump. “Ashe—my coworker—brought cards and they said they’re playing while I’m on the phone with you. And I can hear some of them shout.”

“You should join!”

“Nah, I’m here for the movie.” And Sylvain promised to teach him cards, anyway. “Oh, and he also brought Annette.”

“From YouTube?”

“Yes.”

“Man, you’re hanging out with the stars here.”

Felix snorts. “He just brought her along. Didn’t even ask me if it’s fine.”

“Maybe love is in the air tonight?”

“Hopefully not in my condo.”

Sylvain laughs. “You’re so dirty.”

“I thought I’d get your seal of approval.”

“I’ll stamp it on your ass personally.”

Felix snickers. “Where I can’t even look at it.”

“Want me to leave my mark elsewhere?” Sylvain’s tone is teasing. If Felix can trust his instincts, he’s fucking flirting with him.

Let’s find out. “Where do you recommend?”

“Oh, you know the good places. Thighs, collarbone, neck, depending on who else should be privy to your… preferences for blemishing.” He is. Sylvain so is.

“Good thing you don’t own me.”

“Why?” Sylvain sounds confused.

“Oh, because in that case I bet I’d be spotted everywhere.”

“I possess some self-control.”

Felix rolls his eyes, grinning. “‘Some’.”

“Like I said, I’m a very physical person.”

“Mhm. I think I’m beginning to see that this encompasses more than cuddling.”

“I _hugged_ you!”

“You rubbed your fucking face against mine.”

“Uh…”

Felix laughs. After an uncertain moment, Sylvain joins in. “You know, you can be cute if you let your guard down.”

“‘Cute’?” The pitch of Sylvain’s voice rises. “I’ve been called many things over the years, but cute? This is a first.”

“Being caught in the web of heteronormative thinking must be tiring.”

“Sorry, I don’t know anything but!”

“My condolences.” Felix sits back up. Sylvain is doing better if he can get worked up over living the straight life for thirty-odd years. “Mind if I go back to the others?”

“Not at all! I told you to rejoin them before.”

“I wanted to make sure you’re better.”

“I am. Talking to someone normal helped.”

Felix smiles to himself. If he’s considered ‘normal’, he doesn’t want to know how bad it really is with Sylvain’s parents. “Anytime. Feel free to call again if you get worse.”

“I think I just needed to hear your voice? I don’t know, you’re so down-to-earth. Like, you see things from a different angle and that’s not just super interesting to find out and understand, but it helps me pull myself out of the bullshit I start thinking. Or have others say to me.”

“Okay.”

“Imagine me giving you a tight hug.”

“Imagine me hugging you the fuck back.”

Sylvain laughs. “You know, there’s a lot of strength in your small arms. I think you could crush me if you’d set your mind to it.”

Felix snorts. “Right.”

“I’m fragile.”

“You’re emotional, not fragile.” Felix walks over to the door. “It was nice hearing your voice.”

“Man, I wanted to say that first! But it felt really great talking to you. Thanks for being there. I’m better now than I was those 15 minutes ago.”

“I hope you’ll get through the rest of the day all right.”

“Me, too. But it helps knowing you’re there for me.”

“Always. Talk to you later.”

“Yeah! I’ll text you once I’m finally home at the latest.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

“Me, too. Now go and enjoy your evening!”

“And you make the best of what you have.”

“Will do!” With that, Sylvain hangs up. There’s an emptiness, a void, there once his presence is gone. At least there are other people waiting on the other side of the door. Felix opens it and walks back into another part of his life.

* * *

During the rest of the movie, Sylvain doesn’t call again. Neither does he afterwards. Felix hopes he’s good, that he was some sort of help even though they ended up goofing around, but perhaps this semblance of normalcy _did_ do him some good. (And does this mean that this is a state of normal for them that Sylvain craves? Flirting and bantering?)

Felix tried the chili chocolate, made to share with everyone thanks to Caspar’s loudly whispered question if he has chocolate. Judging from everyone’s expressions, Linhardt hated it what with him sticking out his tongue in disgust, Caspar made a face and sounded like he was on the verge of death, while Annette and Ashe nodded slowly, even asking for a second piece. Felix, however, loved it, for more reasons than the pleasant hotness making his palate and tongue tingle.

Watching the city lights from his balcony, Felix smokes. He’s reduced the amount from however much he felt like to two cigarettes a day, to make Sylvain proud. And Dimitri. And Ashe and Caspar who mind. So when the door slides open and then closed behind him, Felix turns around, an eyebrow already arched. It’s Annette who joins him.

“Hey,” she says. “Mind if I join?”

“You smoke?”

“No! I mean, we haven’t really talked to each other so far today. So maybe you’re good now? Just the two of us?”

Felix gives a half-shrug and turns back towards his view of nightlife Fhirdiad. “Be my guest.”

Annette walks up to the railing as well to stand next to Felix. “Wow, what a view!”

“It’s all right. I guess you could see more if we were up on the roof.”

“Of course! But not everyone has this!” Annette lets go of the railing and opens her arms.

“It’s just the city.”

“The lights in the dark look so romantic.”

Felix gives Annette a sidelong glance. “Do they?”

“Aw, c’mon! Don’t make talking to you so hard!”

“I don’t have a lot to say to this.”

“Okay. All righty. Then let me thank you for the movie night and the dinner! It tasted really good!”

“Ashe cooked most of it.”

“Wrong, he cooked, like, half of it. And he didn’t pick the recipe. Or buy the right ingredients.” Annette laughs uncertainly. “I’m a mess in the kitchen. Like, I’m the opposite of a perfect housewife.”

“Whoever came up with these shitty gender roles should be tortured.”

Annette turns to him, a cheeky grin on her face. “I want to break free,” she sings, causing goosebumps to make the hairs stand up on Felix’s arms and neck. He’d not forgotten her voice, no, not the way it’s been haunting him, but Sylvain kicked a door open to haunt him _as well_ , and Felix knows whose spirit is stronger in him. Annette turns back to the view. “I want to break free.”

“The music video’s something else.”

Annette turns her head to flash a broad grin at Felix. “It is, isn’t it!”

“Anyway, why don’t you record an album? With the songs you covered.”

Annette laughs. “As if anyone would buy that!”

_I would._ Felix stubs out his cigarette. “With your following, you’d have plenty of customers. Even if only one measly percent saw fit to support you.”

“Maybe once the music ad for your company is through. I mean, I’d have to pay for my album upfront.”

“And for the royalties, since you’re covering.”

“Oh poop!” Annette’s eyes widen. “I forgot about that!”

Felix doesn’t mention someone has to arrange the instrumentals, and someone has to mix it all, and that marketing is more than just saying, ‘I did this!’ on a semi-popular YouTube channel. “Don’t you have equipment at home?”

“Nothing professional.” Annette smiles sheepishly. “I never really got into it like this.”

“Guess you’ll have to keep doing what you are then.”

“I honestly have no idea if you’re trying to get me to record an album, or if you don’t give a heck.”

“I suggested it and then realized it’s more complicated than this.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Anyway, how is it you’re free today?” Felix nods towards his living room. “We’re all pretty much family-less. You, too?”

“Oh, no! And sorry to hear that.” Annette inclines her head to the side. “I was with my mom this afternoon and then I joined Ashe to come here. My mom was a little worried because I mentioned everyone else present would be a man—well, she asked, so it’s her fault—but I was right not to worry about it!”

“We’re a boring bunch.”

“You can _behave_ , which is not boring at all! It’s sad you missed playing cards— Oh, by the way, how is your sexy friend? The one who called.” As if Felix only befriends sexy people.

“A little messy but he’ll manage.” He hopes. “His relationship with his parents is kinda complicated.”

“Yeah, I get that.” At Felix’s questioning look, Annette offers not more than a shrug.

“Say, do you take requests?”

“Huh?”

“Song requests. For your videos.”

“Oh! Yes, I do. Not often, but for friends.” Annette winks. Felix isn’t sure they count as friends—there’s more to that than having her randomly pop up wherever Ashe appears—but he’ll take what he gets. Perhaps he should do her the honor and text her from time to time. Once a week sounds doable.

“Okay.”

“And it depends on the song. If it’s death metal, I’m out. I don’t want to ruin my voice!”

“It’s not like I’d know what to request anyway.”

“Aw, bugger!” Annette smiles and Felix mimics her out of courtesy. “I can at the very least throw in a free _I Want to Break Free_.”

Felix shrugs. “I can’t stop you.”

“Nope.” Her smile grows into a grin. “I’ll do a shoutout at the beginning, so stay tuned!”

Felix nods. “Let’s go back inside.” He slides the door open, waiting for Annette to follow. Now he has to dispose of his cig inside, like a sensible person, because he mustn’t lose face in front of Annette.

* * *

Everyone helped clean up (well, Linhardt not so much, but Caspar was enthusiastic enough to count as two people, so it evens out), and by half past nine everyone’s left the condo. Felix made sure Cat was not kidnapped (or rather, catnapped… which sounds wrong) by a certain someone she’s forlornly looking out the window for. After his shower, Felix retreats to bed, phone in hand. The message light blinks.

**Sylvain:** Im finally HOME

**Sylvain:** I feel good abt that

**Sylvain:** But bad abt feeling like this in the first place :(

**Sylvain:** Especially since im telling u these things, that my family kinda sucks

**Sylvain:** When i should be happy i still have family to complain abt yanno

Felix slides under his covers as if into a drawer, only the top half of his face and his hands peeking out.

**Felix:** It’s fine

**Sylvain:** UR HERE

**Felix:** Yes

**Sylvain:** How was ur day? :)

**Felix:** I actually visited my family as well

**Sylvain:** As in fifth cousins or as in went to the cemetery?

**Felix:** The latter

**Felix:** I hadn’t gone in years. It was the right thing to do

**Felix:** I even talked to them like a senile old man

**Sylvain:** Theres nothing senile abt voicing ones thoughts!

**Felix:** I could’ve just thought them

**Sylvain:** Wait do u actually think in words?

**Felix:** Yes?

**Sylvain:** What

**Felix:** ??? What the fuck is wrong now

**Sylvain:** I

**Sylvain:** Okay fe i always got SO confused when in like novels or even shows (with a voiceover) there were characters thoughts just spelled out???? Bc i need to talk to myself to make sense of this jumble in my head

**Sylvain:** There is the odd word in-between but its usually more like. Impressions. Feelings. Colors

**Felix:** The fuck

**Sylvain:** Whenever i tried thinking in all words it took forever

**Sylvain:** I only do it when i read

**Sylvain:** Like. Think the words that are on the page

**Sylvain:** But im slower when i read aloud so i guess im partially not thinking in words even then

**Felix:** Okay

**Felix:** I’ve never thought about this before

**Sylvain:** Finally found something in which ur the normal one and im the odd one out questioning myself!

**Felix:** Maybe it’s how creative people think

**Sylvain:** I dont know

**Sylvain:** But i know how ill spend my felix-free weekend

**Sylvain:** Reading up on this

A pang goes through Felix’s heart.

**Felix:** We can text in the evenings

At least this is what he’d hoped would happen.

**Sylvain:** Good

**Sylvain:** I wouldnt want it any other way

Felix exhales with relief.

**Felix:** Since my gym acquaintance / friend will be there, no phone calls though

**Sylvain:** That i can live with

**Felix:** He’ll just get on my case and say stupid things

**Sylvain:** I wouldnt mind!

_But I would_ , Felix thinks. Caspar’d just end up asking if Sylvain is Felix’s crush or whatever and ruin it all.

**Felix:** Believe me. It’s better to text

**Sylvain:** As long as i get my daily dose of felix :)

**Sylvain:** So idk if u wanted to say anything else abt the cemetery

**Felix:** It was, well

**Felix:** It helped

**Felix:** I’ll try and go more often from now on

**Felix:** I told them (my family) their headstone is fugly

**Sylvain:** What! U cant just say things like this

**Felix:** But it’s true!

**Sylvain:** Still

**Sylvain:** Have some respect for the dead

**Felix:** And pretend to be someone I’m not? That’s not me

**Sylvain:** Ouchie

**Sylvain:** But tru

**Sylvain:** Stay the way u r

**Felix:** See?

**Sylvain:** Yea yea so anyway

**Sylvain:** Dinner with my parents was all right

**Sylvain:** My dad held it in

**Felix:** Held what in?

**Sylvain:** Everything lol

**Sylvain:** What he wanted to say

**Sylvain:** What he thinks about his loser son

**Sylvain:** Since now that miklans gone i inherited the attribute

**Felix:** You’re not a loser

**Sylvain:** In his eyes i am

**Felix:** What did the emotional support poop machine do?

**Sylvain:** FELIX STOP IT ALREADY

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** At least ur honest…

**Sylvain:** Lex behaved

**Sylvain:** I walked him for a while after we talked

**Sylvain:** I need these escapes

**Felix:** Understandable

**Sylvain:** My parents asked abt my friends

**Sylvain:** Which only ever includes ingrid bc shes the only one they like

**Felix:** You said you talked about Ingrid

**Felix:** They know about me?

**Sylvain:** No lol sorry i cant tell them i accidentally met this dude over the internet while trying to get into some womans sheets

**Sylvain:** And he turned out to be this really cool and chill guy and i actually went and hung out with him just this weekend

**Sylvain:** Let him lead me into the middle of nowhere from where i would not have found home (although we both know i had a signal so it wouldve been just a matter of time)

**Sylvain:** (Or just thinking abt it now… U couldve stabbed me and left me for dead lol)

**Sylvain:** (Im so reckless)

**Felix:** Do you regret it?

**Sylvain:** NO

**Sylvain:** No way no no no

**Sylvain:** Id do it again in a heartbeat

**Sylvain:** My parents would be devastated at my irresponsibility

**Felix:** You know, my boss said to stay in public places with witnesses

**Felix:** I’m as much a fool as you

**Sylvain:** Fool or daredevil? ;)

**Felix:** Or

**Sylvain:** feLIX

Felix grins to himself. Win for him.

**Sylvain:** Ngl i dont get ur coworkers who dont appreciate ur jokes

**Sylvain:** Ur so funny??

**Felix:** I’m not the easiest person to be around

**Sylvain:** I have to disagree

**Felix:** You just have a shit sense of humor like me

**Sylvain:** Self-deprecating bully

Felix takes a quick selfie in his underlit surroundings. It won’t be his problem if Sylvain can’t make out his middle finger aimed at the camera.

**Felix:** <sent picture>

**Sylvain:** Wait

**Sylvain:** Whats this

**Sylvain:** Gimme a minute

**Felix:** Have fun

Sylvain takes two minutes.

**Sylvain:** HOW DARE U

**Sylvain:** Who taught u manners? -___-

**Felix:** No one

**Sylvain:** Also u should turn on a light. This darkness is going to ruin ur eyes eventually

**Felix:** I can’t wait for the day I’m going blind

**Sylvain:** Then u wont be able to see my pretty face anymore :(

**Felix:** I could still go by touch

**Sylvain:** Mhm acceptable *rubs his face against ur hands*

Felix swallows.

**Felix:** What are you, a cat?

**Sylvain:** I can be everything u want me to be. Cowboy. Cat. Clown

**Felix:** Just be yourself

**Sylvain:** Around u? Always!!!

**Felix:** Ok

**Felix:** So I tried the chocolate you gave me

**Sylvain:** Ohhhh did u like it?

**Felix:** It was great

**Felix:** The others made me share. Annette actually liked it too (and my co-worker)

**Felix:** The other two loathed it

**Felix:** Probably for the best since gym acquaintance is a big eater

**Sylvain:** Whoa u all got great taste

**Sylvain:** Well those 2 not so much lol

**Sylvain:** Im really happy *u* liked it tho!!!

**Felix:** I still have some saved for next time

**Sylvain:** So ur already planning the 3rd movie night?

**Felix:** Not in the group

**Felix:** With you

**Sylvain:** My heart just gave a big thump

**Felix:** I hope you’re not having heart problems

**Sylvain:** NOOO

**Sylvain:** Seiros felix take a hint for once

**Felix:** So you’re either scared or excited

**Sylvain:** Both? But more excited

**Felix:** What are you scared for?

**Sylvain:** The usual

Which isn’t answering anything. Rolling his eyes, Felix types. He is done taking Sylvain’s BS.

**Felix:** The usual?

**Sylvain:** Like ill be nervous and stutter and sweat and then reek and also that idk

**Sylvain:** We havent even talked abt the obvious issue

**Felix:** Issue?

**Sylvain:** Like where am i gonna sleep?

**Sylvain:** I mean bed sharing isnt weird for me but maybe its for u

**Felix:** I can sleep on my sofa if it’s easier on your straight ass

**Sylvain:** Not in ur own home :(

**Sylvain:** And i just said bed sharing would be okay!

**Felix:** Then what are you so upset about?

**Sylvain:** Im just a nervous mess

**Sylvain:** And today kinda took its toll on me

**Sylvain:** I really really want a blunt

**Felix:** No you don’t

**Sylvain:** I do :(

**Felix:** No

**Felix:** You can’t tell me I should make the effort and smoke less (which I am) when you get to soil your stupid cannabis with tobacco

**Sylvain:** :(

**Felix:** Pull that face all you want

**Felix:** I’m not changing my opinion

**Sylvain:** <sent picture>

Fuck. Felix shouldn’t have started this because now Sylvain’s hopped onto the spontaneously-taken-selfie-to-convey-a-specific-emotion train, too. The lighting is way better than in Felix’s dark crypt, making Sylvain’s messy hair and the stubble on his face—not much, but enough to feel like sandpaper, enough to make Felix want to run his hands over it—flare. Sylvain’s bottom lip is pushed out in a pout, his eyes are big and dark and liquid with his sulking.

Felix is less inclined to roll him a blunt and more to take his face in his hands (rubbing his palms into that delicious stubble) and kiss all his pain away. Taste his lips, his tongue, his tears. Make him forget the world for a little while.

Sighing, he types.

**Felix:** No

**Sylvain:** Oh man i gave u my best puppy eyes

**Felix:** Cry me a fucking river Sylvain

**Felix:** We both know what you need right now is not a blunt

**Sylvain:** Ur right but it still sucks

**Felix:** Can you take your meds? They’re designed for this. Cannabis isn’t

**Sylvain:** I will *sighs*

**Sylvain:** Ur my jiminy cricket

**Sylvain:** Brb

**Felix:** Ok

Closing his eyes, Felix relaxes into his mattress. He’s too awake to nod off, his heart beating against his ribcage in a rhythm that’ll leave him for dead if it goes on much longer. He leaves his phone where it is and rolls over onto his other side, then crawls across his bed on all fours to reach his closet. In there, Sylvain’s college jacket is waiting to be washed, but Felix can’t bring himself to rid it of Sylvain’s cinnamon smell. He’s already promised himself to launder it the day before Sylvain comes visit, to draw it out for as long as possible, to have it intact for a moment like this one.

Felix takes the jacket and slips inside, hugging the fabric close to himself. Thus he slips back into bed, surrounded by as much of Sylvain as he’ll get in the next ten days. Then he’ll squeeze the man tight. And if he’s really into bed sharing, Felix might feign being the clingy type at night.

Yeah, he admits, breathing in the remnants of Sylvain’s smell. He’s over his crush. Felix is in love.

**Sylvain:** Im back

**Sylvain:** Not feeling better yet but u know how it is

**Felix:** Give them time to kick in

**Sylvain:** I will

**Sylvain:** Sorry for being such a mess today :(

**Felix:** We all have these days

**Felix:** Or at least I have them too

**Felix:** Sometimes it just goes to shit for no reason and sometimes it does for a reason we can do nothing about

**Sylvain:** Still i feel bad

**Felix:** Want a hug?

**Sylvain:** PLEASE

**Sylvain:** Always always always

Felix smiles.

**Felix:** Wait a sec

**Sylvain:** ?

Felix has never sent a voice message before, so he hopes he doesn’t fuck this up majorly. After tapping the icon and sliding it into lock position, he says, “Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and release it slowly, to relax. And then think about what makes hugging me good for you. Maybe it’s how I feel in your arms, smaller but not frail so you can try and crush me. Maybe you lean down, or I stand on my tiptoes so we’re closer in height. Maybe you like the warmth so you can try and get as close as physically possible without, you know, merging?” Felix can’t help his own stupid snicker. Whatever. Probably breaks the illusion, if Sylvain can even fathom to summon one with Felix’s croaky whisper. “Maybe you even like how I smell so nuzzle your face against my neck and breathe in my scent. Bury your hands in my hair, loosen the hair tie, comb it out. I’ll have one hand in your hair as well, and the other—” _on your ass_ , he wants to say and swallows, “—on your back, you know, between your shoulder blades, and rub circles into that spot. I’ll happily let you hold me for as long as you want, I’ll gladly let you cry in my shoulder if you need it, and wipe the tears from your face after. But the hug doesn’t have to be sad. It can be anything and everything you want it to be. The only thing I want you to do is to enjoy it.”

He hits ‘send’. No way is he gonna listen to his own voice. It’s only when the ticks turn blue that Felix crosses his fingers Sylvain won’t realize that Felix just talked about what he wants Sylvain to do.

The voice message is over a minute long, and Sylvain must listen to it all and then some because he takes a while to reply.

**Sylvain:** Wow

**Sylvain:** That was great

**Sylvain:** Ur a little hard to understand but thats ok! Its like ur whispering right in my ear when i hold my phone to it

**Sylvain:** Ill cherish this message

**Sylvain:** Its so good to hear ur voice again

**Felix:** You had me on the phone earlier today

**Sylvain:** Still! Now i get to listen to it whenever i want to

**Sylvain:** Also ur such a sweet guy

**Sylvain:** Ill make sure to give u the best possible hug when we see each other next time

**Sylvain:** U have a colossal place in my heart felix

**Felix:** Not this again

Despite his words, Felix grins.

**Sylvain:** Y wont u let me love u? :(

The grin broadens. Felix’s heart is stuttering in his chest.

**Felix:** I am letting you. My way of showing it is simply nonverbal

**Sylvain:** Bc that makes u uncomfortable?

**Felix:** Somewhat

**Felix:** Anyway, re:voices

**Felix:** Don’t you think it’s a little unfair you get to carry my voice everywhere and I can’t do the same in return?

**Sylvain:** Im working on a song!!!

Oh. But good.

**Felix:** I like the sound of that

**Sylvain:** It just takes time

**Felix:** I know and you can take however much you need

**Felix:** Thanks for doing this, you know

**Sylvain:** No biggie! If it makes u smile its worth it :)

**Felix:** I don’t have anything to give you in return

**Sylvain:** Awww u dont have to!

**Felix:** I want to

**Sylvain:** Then surprise me! I love surprises

Or he just thinks there isn’t anything Felix can give him except for hugs. The thought makes Felix nauseous.

**Felix:** I’ll try to think of something

**Felix:** Do you feel better?

**Sylvain:** A *lot*

**Sylvain:** Thank u so much

**Felix:** Good. I’ll go to sleep then

**Sylvain:** Okay!

**Sylvain:** Sleep well :*

**Felix:** You too

**Felix:** And no more crying

**Sylvain:** No! Im good now

**Sylvain:** Y do u think im crying again?

**Felix:** Your smiley? It’s crying

**Sylvain:** Oh

**Sylvain:** Uh

**Sylvain:** Its not a tear lmao its a kiss

What. _What._ Felix starts trembling and, with an effort, places his phone on his nightstand. Sothis’s fucking tits! This isn’t the first time Sylvain sent this damn face. How the fuck is anyone supposed to tell the thing isn’t crying. Felix wants to google this fuckface of a smiley to find out if Sylvain was just playing him, but there’s a certainty settling in Felix’s stomach that he wasn’t, or at any rate, believed his smiley to convey a kiss. And anyway, Felix needs to sleep and think about this in peace before he can reply.

Cat joins him in bed, and perhaps his rambling, stuttering mess of an account of what transpired will yield him some answers from her. Of course she just nods off, giving Felix advice on what he should do, too: Go the fuck to sleep.


	24. Days 50 to 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FORGOT TO LINK TO THE AWESOME ART I GOT!  
> https://twitter.com/nyarrancia/status/1308813378849091584  
> https://twitter.com/AarysAlice/status/1311381725084180480  
> I BEG YOU TO CHECK IT OUT!
> 
> This said (or yelled), I haven't thanked you guys in forever for your undying support! Getting over 20 comments each chapter is such a delight! On top of that, I'm past the 225 subs on this fic as well as somewhere over 860 kudos which technically means this fic can be considered popular now? Let me gather up all of you (the willing ones, that is) into a big fat group hug <3

Caspar watches the world zip past the passenger’s side window, head bobbing to and fro to the beat of the music. Felix’s music. Or, rather, the music Sylvain composed and shared. Felix didn’t put his birthday song— _his_ song—in-between the rest, but even with it there, the playlist would loop in just under two hours. The bets are on if Caspar would even notice. So far, he’s stayed rather quiet, though, and Felix suspects he nodded off on him once or twice already.

However he’s the one to break the silence eventually, saying, “You know what I just realized?”

“No,” Felix replies, eyes on the road. Highways are boring; you just keep your foot on the gas and hope you don’t fall asleep by accident.

“I can’t remember the last time I was out of town with someone who isn’t Lin.”

“Scared?” Felix smirks.

“Nah. I’d beat you in a fight.”

Felix’s smirk vanishes. Caspar’s right. “I hope you don’t think it weird to share a room with me.”

“It was cheaper.” Caspar shrugs. “Who cares? I’d sleep next to you if they only have one bed in our room.”

“Not even Linhardt cares?”

“No? Why would he?” From the corner of his eyes, Felix can see Caspar look over, head propped up on a hand.

“I was living under the assumption that you guys were, y’know, dating?”

Caspar laughs. “It’s not like we’re gonna make out and have sex.”

“We’re not.”

“Tell me more about your crush instead! What’s he like?”

“Nice,” is the first word that comes to Felix’s mind, and the last that’d do Sylvain justice. “He made this music.”

“Right, you said. All by himself?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell him it’s good! Not exactly my jam but I can listen to it in the background like this.”

Felix will rephrase this before telling Sylvain. “We hung out for the first time on Sunday.”

“What?” Caspar sits up straight, turns to Felix, and leans into his personal space bubble. “For the _first_ time?!”

“Yeah. It was—”

“How the fuck did you fall for him if you didn’t even know him before?”

“We texted. He got a number wrong and ended up talking to me, I humored him, we eventually sent each other selfies and phoned and then we decided to meet.”

“Man! The things you do.” Caspar shakes his head. “And you weren’t scared?”

“A little. Less about my safety and more about everything going wrong.”

“And? Everything go right?” Optimist.

“Yes. We had a great time. Talked a lot. Goofed around.” Kept hugging. “He sung for me.”

“Right, you said you never heard him sing! How was it?”

“Really good. Like, I don’t get why he says he has a bad voice.” Felix glances over to Caspar. “I asked him to record his singing for me.”

“What?! Let’s listen to it.”

“He’s still working on it.”

“I can record you _my_ singing in however long the song takes.”

“Please don’t.” Felix tries his best not to cringe and shudder at the thought. “Sylvain’s writing me a whole song.”

“Whoa, everything?”

“Yes. That takes time.”

“And you’re sure he’s not into you?”

If even Caspar can see it, it must be obvious. It must be _true_. “Honest? Next time I see him, I’m going to make a move.”

Caspar whoops. “I’ll be cheering you on, man!” Which hopefully doesn’t mean he’ll be texting him nonstop.

“Thanks.”

“Is he like us?”

“What do you mean?”

“Working out! Having a great bod!” This is not what Felix would say about himself, but he’ll take every tiny ounce of reassurance he’ll get before trying anything with Sylvain.

“Yeah. He’s into running, like us. And swimming.”

“Swimming? He must be,” Caspar clenches his fingers, “muscular.”

Felix breathes a sigh of relief Caspar is someone to phrase this sensibly. Unlike Ashe. “He is.”

“That your type?”

“I’m not opposed.” Felix’s eyes flit over. “But you seem to prefer being muscular yourself over your partners.”

“Yep! As long as we are on the same wavelength, I don’t care what they look like!”

Now Felix feels picky. “I see.”

“What’s Sylvain into?”

Felix arches the eyebrow Caspar can’t see from his profile. He picked up the name. “Boobies.”

“Aw, you lack those.”

“I hope he’ll make an exception.”

Caspar pats Felix’s shoulder. “There’s enough other places for him to grab.”

“Yeah.”

“So, he sign up for this workshop as well?”

“Not that I know. If he makes a surprise appearance, I’ll kick his ass.”

Caspar laughs. “Wow, you’re hard to please!”

“I’m not. But there’s surprises that are okay and others that aren’t. And I’d like to know in advance before I see him because I need to mentally prepare.” Caspar’s laugh becomes louder. “Shut up.”

To his credit, he stops almost immediately, giggles still escaping, his chest deflating erratically. “You already eyeing anything in particular? I want to test out war axes. That sounds so cool!”

“Swords and bows. Maybe crossbows, too, but I like the thought of getting in some arm training by drawing back the string.”

Caspar grins and pats Felix on the shoulder again. “That’s the spirit! Although running around with an axe and bellowing a war cry… sounds better to me.”

“I doubt they’ll let you do that.”

“Party pooper!”

“Sylvain called me that, too.”

“See? You’re boring. Boring!”

Felix checks the road to make sure he’s allowed to look away for half a second before giving Caspar one of his middle finger looks. “Stop throwing a tantrum in my car or you can walk.”

“I’m not!” Caspar sticks out his tongue.

Felix reaches out to turn up the music’s volume. He’d rather lose himself in this than a stupid argument with Caspar because he decided to act like a preschooler.

* * *

Arianrhod, the Fortress City, is a place rich with history, as evident when they exit the highway to drive into the town. Spiraling around the former city walls are neighborhoods with big yards or even fields whereas, once they enter the heart of the city, it feels like someone could plaster up the paths carved into the rock walls and keep them in forever. Or, well, enemies out for good.

Modern warfare has made city walls look like something obsolete and cute, however. It’s a wonder Arianrhod held onto hers, likely due to the history associated with the place. At any rate, the walls, the strongholds, the brick townhouses still built in the old Adrestian style, make for a scenery that makes one want to take on arms, makes one want to delve right into the past and be a piece on the chess board, makes one want to be part of the annals and records, one’s name forever remembered, yes, immortalized.

In short, Arianrhod’s appearance and weight, her former splendor polished and kept alive as though she’s become a museum to live in, serves as a better backdrop to a medieval weapons workshop than Fhirdiad could ever dream to be.

“What do you think?” he asks Caspar who’s glued to the window.

“It’s _awesome_!” He swivels around to face Felix. “You can really see the Adrestian influences here! Kinda reminds me of home a little.”

“Don’t get homesick on me.”

“I won’t, I won’t!” Caspar turns back around. “It was super impressive to go through the, like, gate? Like what used to be the walls or borders or whatever.”

“Historically, city walls kept in the citizens. Outside, you always had farmers. And it still looks this way.”

“Yeah, right. But you can see how it’s expanded even further outwards!”

“Who wants to live on a hilly mountain surrounded by an old wall, anyway?”

“Just look around! They even have these timber-framed houses! I’d love to live in one.”

“They have low ceilings. You’re lucky if it’s more than two meters. Sometimes it’s even less. One eighty or so.” Sylvain would have to duck. Heh. Felix smirks.

Caspar laughs. “As if we could hit our heads in there!”

“Some doors only reach to one sixty.”

“This does sound uncomfortable.” Caspar sighs. “Point taken.”

“And the cobblestones-covered streets?” Felix is surprised they have been kept in place, even though the infrastructure—pipes and cables—mean the streets must have been broken open. Or they carved a tunnel system especially for dealing with modern comforts. “Hell on a bike.”

“Hell on anything when it’s rained.” Caspar makes a frustrated sound. “Rain’s stupid anyway!”

“Lucky you someone invented roofs.”

Felix’s nav finishes guiding them to their hotel. He parks while Caspar whoops, already unbuckling his seatbelt, causing the car to emit an angry signal.

Felix shoots Caspar an annoyed look after he finished navigating his car into the small parking space. “Don’t bang the door against anything,” he says even as Caspar is already jumping out.

He talks Felix’s ears off about Adrestia this and axes that, and probably a lot of other things Felix tunes out as he grabs his own bag like Caspar, locks up the car, and proceeds into the hotel proper for the check-in. Only when they’re in their room—snug, coming with a small TV, a bathroom tinier than half of Felix’s balcony, and _two_ beds—does he tune back in to Caspar. “—hope theoretical input is mostly optional, especially if they incorporate my only real enemy: numbers. I’m much more looking forward to the mock battles! I don’t care about no injuries.” He laughs. “They won’t get past my defenses. I’m—”

“The higher you climb, the harder you fall.”

“Oh, no no no, I won’t sign up for climbing or scaling or whatever,” Caspar rambles on. Felix lets him talk as he checks out the room and afterwards his phone.

 **Sylvain:** Have a safe drive

 **Sylvain:** Text me when ur there

Felix’s heart picks up.

 **Felix:** We’re here

 **Felix:** Dropped Cat off at this cat hotel thing she already knows. They’ll take good care of her there

 **Felix:** No accidents, no highway patrol, not even shitty traffic at this hour. More cars on the opposite lane trying to get into Fhirdiad rather than out

He keeps staring at his screen but no reply comes. Instead, Caspar is suddenly sitting next to him on what Felix designated as his own bed for the stay, peering over his shoulder.

“Aw, you’re not even sending him a heart?”

Felix knocks an elbow in Caspar’s direction, sliding his phone down his pants’ pocket with his free hand. “What the hell are you looking at my phone for?”

“It’s impolite to check your phone when someone’s talking to you.”

“And it’s a breach of my fucking privacy to read my texts.” Felix shoots Caspar the dirtiest look he can muster.

Caspar has none of it, face scrunched up into an angry mask. “You wanna fight it out like a man, huh?”

“No. We’re even. Now never look at my phone again.”

Caspar deflates. “Okay.”

Felix stands up and looks back to Caspar when he doesn’t join. “Let’s check out the campus.”

“Oh, right!” Caspar is up on his feet in no time. Making sure Felix has both his phone for navigation as well as the card key for the room, he leaves, Caspar in tow.

The workshop venue isn’t far from their hotel, a measly short two blocks between them. Held in an old mason garrison with high windows and a stable with live horses, both built in the 1300s if the info board in front of the entrance is to be trusted, the workshop can be spaced out over several rooms to accommodate different theoretical and practical lessons on different weapons, as well as a dining hall with a cold buffet. Other people are already milling about even though nothing is set to start before three this afternoon, and then there’s an opening ceremony first that Felix will skip, the lessons continuing into the late night hours of Saturday with an optional Sunday for the mock fights Caspar is looking forward to.

Felix walks around, head peeking into every room to ascertain where to go for which lessons. He checks the schedule against the rooms, setting reminders on his phone with instructions on where to go exactly. Caspar doesn’t appear to be as organized, but if he’s only in for getting some axe experience (or _axeperience_ , Felix thinks to make Sylvain proud, even though the man is hopefully unable to read his thoughts) then there’s not many ways for him to miss something.

“It’s so awesome here!” Caspar pipes up right next to him. Felix suppresses the urge to shield his ear from the roaring voice. “Have you seen the weapons room downstairs?”

“They just let you go down there?”

“Well, no one said anything when I did, so—”

“Did you hear that guy?” a high-pitched voice ‘whispers’. ‘Whispers’ because Felix is still able to zero in on the pink-haired woman despite his ringing ears. “It’s sooo boring here! I don’t get what his deal is.”

“Why did you come along again?” asks another woman, ginger this one.

“I told you! My stupid brother made me!”

“I thought it was his birthday present to you.”

“And it sucks! He always gives me stuff he needs _himself_ , and then grins whenever I give it back to him.” The pink-haired woman crosses her arms and pouts. “And why did we have to come all the way to this backwater town in the middle of nowhere? Isn’t there at _least_ one in Derdriu?”

Huh. They came all the way here from the Alliance? Felix understands why she would be pissed.

“I think he really wanted to go himself and tried to make it as uninviting as possible for you.”

“My, my, don’t complain so loudly,” says a man approaching them. With his weird haircut (and it’s purple on top—poor bastard, if that’s his natural hair color), he looks as though he spends more time with his hairdresser than at home. Oh, and his morning routine must take hours. “It’s not often you get the chance not only to travel abroad but to look at one of history’s pearls. I for one am appreciative of your offer to take us along.”

“You suck, Lorenz!” the pink-haired woman says, clapping the man on his ass. Yes. Yes, she just did that. Felix suppresses the urge to whistle. The man staggers forward, rubbing his behind.

“So when are the lance instructions?” the ginger woman asks, walking towards the listings on her tiptoes as if that made her much taller. Well, probably as tall as Caspar or Felix. And her gait is silent. She’d probably make a good hunter.

“Who cares!” The pink-haired woman only follows her friend because the other friend, Purple Man (because, yes, he’s clad in purple from top to bottom, only a fucking red rose on his lapel adding a splash of color), possesses long legs and a swift gait, catching up to the ginger woman in no time.

Caspar taps on Felix’s shoulder. “Did you say you wanna try lances, too?” So he listened in to them as well.

“No, only swords and bows. You?”

“It’d give me some additional reach but…” Caspar scratches the back of his head. “Lances are uncool. It’s axe time for me.”

“Guess we won’t see each other much this way.”

Caspar shrugs. “We’ll have plenty of time in the evenings! I brought a movie for every night. All the Schwarzenegger classics.

“Nice.”

“Even the one in which he’s pregnant!” Caspar grins. Felix tries his best at an encouraging smile although this is a movie he could do without.

* * *

“Hey, I saw you earlier,” the ginger woman says to Felix, sitting down next to him in the class for theory on bows. “Together with this other man? Bright hair, looks like it glows in the dark.”

Felix stifles a snort. Apart from Purple Man, this group seems chill in a way Felix can respect. “I saw you guys, too. The pink-haired one was pretty vocal on her dissatisfaction.”

The woman rolls her eyes. “Hilda always is. And tell you what, once this weekend’s over she won’t be able to stop herself from gushing about how great it was.”

“I’d be done with her antics pretty quickly.”

“You’re telling me.” The woman laughs, then sticks out a hand. “I’m Leonie.”

“Felix.” He squeezes her hand, ignoring the urge to wipe his palm on his pants. “I thought you were here for lances.”

“We agreed this is the one thing we’d do together. But bows are so cool? There’s something that just went missing with firearms, you know?”

“Skill.”

“Yes! I know knock-back with high-caliber rifles can dislocate your shoulder and everything, but ever tried shooting with a bona-fide bow? You need so much strength in your arms!”

“It also sounds like something you can keep going with in your leisure time after this weekend is over.”

“Man, you get it!” Leonie grins, a faint blush coloring in her freckled cheeks. “Say, d’you know if you need a special permit to carry a bow?”

“Uh…” What? This is the last thing Felix expected her to ask. Then again, he’s known this woman for a whopping two minutes. “No? I guess it’s fine if it’s unstrung. And I don’t know about crossbows.”

“Oh, I meant just for the show of it!”

“Just get a permit and you’re on the safe side.”

“I have one. I’ll ask my superiors.” Leonie sighs. “These things are probably expensive and not covered by my job.”

Felix offers not more than a shrug. “That’s how life is.”

He’s relieved when their instructor walks in and everyone, including Leonie, shuts up. Again, Felix’s expectations proved wrong: Instead of a burly man, a lithe blonde woman walks in. Her voice is so high-pitched she could provide a voice for Alvin and the Chipmunks without having to rely on post and distortion. But she obviously knows what she’s talking about.

Leonie redeems herself during the lesson because she’s willing to put up with Felix during group tasks, his personal nemesis. She also knows when to shut her mouth and doesn’t make fun of Felix scrawling into his notebook in a tiny, illegible hand.

The practical class takes place right after this one. Felix stretches himself when he stands up, groaning when the kinks pop in his back. “I hate sitting this much.”

“Yeah? What d’you work as?” Leonie asks, falling into step beside Felix as they make their way to the training grounds.

“I’m in management, sitting all day long. It sucks.”

“Sounds like it.” Leonie sighs. “I don’t look it but I’m a cop. Cavalry division.”

Felix raises an eyebrow. He’s never heard of that. “So you’re a cop on a horse?”

Leonie laughs. “That’s one way to put it! We call it ‘mounted police’.”

“What’s that good for?”

“Crowd and riot control, deescalation, making barriers, traffic management. Also search-and-rescue, together with dogs. You’re faster and more mobile.” Felix nods along to Leonie’s explanation. He’s never heard of the police employing cavalry like they’re back in the 1200s. No wonder Leonie signed up for this. “Historically also border patrol, ‘specially towards Almyra.”

“Right, you’re from the Alliance.”

“Uh-huh. And you? Faerghus bred and born?”

“Yes.”

“Live here in Arianrhod?”

“No, Fhirdiad.”

Leonie whistles. “Nice! I was there once. Loved the castle! They have overpriced tours for gullible people like me.” She laughs.

“Just don’t book the tour, but go exploring on your own.”

“Yeah, prolly should’ve done that.” Leonie nods.

The training grounds are vast. Targets are lined up on the far side while everyone’s draw strength is being determined one by one by the instructor. Leonie and Felix line up, him letting her go first. _This is going to take a while_ , he thinks. And suddenly it’s his turn already. Outfitted with a bow and a set of arrows, he’s allowed to start shooting once everyone’s ready.

After the first round, Felix is frustrated he’s only hit his mark once. He improves during the second round, but he can’t say he’s happy with his results. During the fifth round, his arm hurts too much to ignore any longer, and his aim grows worse again. Leonie shakes her draw arm after every shot, but at least she hits with a precision Felix envies.

Guess he’ll have to come here more often this weekend. And sign up for personal classes afterwards. It’ll do his upper body strength some good. Perhaps he’ll even grow some man tits to impress Sylvain, Felix muses.

* * *

Accompanied by a groan, Felix falls onto his bed. In Annette speak, he’s pooped. In Sylvain speak, he’s fucked over for good. And in Caspar speak, he’s, “Tired already?”

“Yes. I’m old.” His hair still wet from the shower soaks the bedsheets. Felix turns away from Caspar and curls up, snug in Sylvain’s unwashed college jacket. He doesn’t give a fuck.

“Then let’s start the movie and while I’m looking for the laptop charger, I’ll tell you all about axes!”

 _Spare me._ Instead of saying anything, Felix closes his eyes and feigns sleep.

Since Caspar is not telepathic, he rambles away about weight and blade shapes and battle forms and actual techniques, taking breaths so seldom Felix imagines his head to turn red and blue with lack of air. It makes him space his words funnily, gulping for air in the middle of them. “—made really dumb jokes all the time. At first I thought it’d be polite to laugh along but he was met with dead silence after, like, five of these dad jokes? That’s what they were. Dad jokes.” Yeah, Felix can tune out some more. After a while, he thinks it rude to ignore Caspar like this, so he makes an effort to understand what he’s prattling on about this time. “—spotted that pink woman. You remember? The one who got all weird on me? Turns out she’s actually really nice! I helped her with all sorts of things. I must’ve been pretty good because she asked me if I could help her in her room later tonight!” Caspar laughs. “I declined because I already have plans with you.”

“You do realize she asked you to have sex with her?”

“What?!” Felix turns around to see Caspar’s face, brows drawn up into his hairline, mouth gaping open. “No way!”

“Pretty sure. The ginger woman was at archery, by the way. Leonie’s her name.”

“I hope she didn’t try to pick you up, too!”

“No. She was actually rather helpful. A little too chatty, but I guess that’s my lot for this weekend.”

“Aw, man, I hope I’m not too chatty!”

Felix sits up and redirects his gaze at the TV. “Found your charger?”

“Yes but…” Caspar scratches the back of his head. “I sort of forgot the HDMI cable. We could watch on my laptop—”

“Ask at the reception. If they charge extra for one or a player, I’ll cover it.”

“Will do!” Caspar bolts out of the room.

Felix uses the extra time to fix his hair in the tiny bathroom. His fingers are itching for his phone and Sylvain, and not just in the sense of tapping on his screen. It’s only eight more days, Felix reminds himself, and then he’ll have Sylvain all to himself. He could’ve had him tomorrow if he’d decided not to go here, he reminds himself as well, and then he reminds himself that this is important for his friendship points with Caspar and maybe he’ll even make an unlikely friend in Leonie. Yeah, fat chance.

Caspar enters the room with a cable in hand the same moment Felix emerges from the bathroom. “No extra costs,” he says, grinning. “Provided we give it back in one piece.”

“That we should be able to manage.”

“Mhm. And look what I didn’t forget to pack!” Caspar hurls himself to his bag and rummages through it, spilling most of its contents in a heap on the floor. His hand holds up two protein bars, one of which he tosses to Felix without preamble.

Felix catches it just so. “Thanks,” he mutters, sitting down on Caspar’s bed because his is across the TV. Felix supposed Caspar would be more of a klutz with technology, but he gets the movie— _Conan the Barbarian_ —started without problem, both picture and sound coming from the TV screen. “No cuddling,” Felix says when Caspar sits down a little too close to him for his liking. There’s enough space on this bed for two men sitting up, and Felix shuffles away to make his point clear.

“By the way,” Caspar says, having started the movie and then paused it after two whole seconds of studio logo introductions, “I didn’t know you studied in Adrestia.”

“I didn’t.”

Caspar furrows his brows, opting to mull this one over during the movie.

* * *

In hindsight, Felix cannot fathom the reason why he thought Caspar wouldn’t cheer every time the camera caught some well-toned bodies. While he doesn’t join in, Felix can’t bring himself to care about Caspar’s enthusiasm either. He’s just tired, nodding off in the middle of the movie. Which he only notices because suddenly there’s pressure against his shoulders as he’s being shaken rather violently. Cracking his eyes open, Felix stares up into Caspar’s face. “You fell asleep!”

Felix wants to clamp his hands over his ears. “Sorry. Today wore me out.” In fact, his limbs are still aching. If they aren’t better tomorrow, Felix will need to take some painkillers to force himself through the second day—he doesn’t want to miss out on swords.

“That’s because you went to theory! Your brain is too full now.”

“Uh-huh.” Felix pushes Caspar from him and crawls over to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Caspar follows him, but doesn’t say anything, only watching what Felix does. “I’m going to bed now,” Felix announces once he’s finished.

“Oh, okay.”

“I might text. I hope the light won’t disturb you.”

“Nah, don’t worry.” Caspar grins and steps out of Felix’s way. “I live with someone with, say, erratic hours for sleep. Which means he sleeps all the goddamn time but sometimes I catch Lin hyper focusing on some bullshit at three thirty in the morning.”

“Ugh.” Felix hopes Sylvain is someone to sleep through the nights, or next weekend will turn out to be the wrong kind of fun. “Sleep well.”

“Oh, uh. Yes, you too!” Caspar goes for a hug that turns into a shoulder squeeze at the last second, thank the saints.

Slipping under his sheets, Felix watches Caspar walk into the bathroom. He’ll likely turn off the lights in a few moments. Sylvain would have a fit if he knew Felix were texting in the dark again. Heh. And speaking of which, Felix checks his phone.

 **Sylvain:** Ohhh good

 **Sylvain:** Then i wont have to worry

 **Felix:** I’m a good driver

Already the dots indicating Sylvain is typing appear.

 **Sylvain:** Yea but u never know abt the other people out there

 **Felix:** True

 **Sylvain:** One time this asshole ran a red light and almost blindsided me while i was on my bike

 **Sylvain:** Asshole couldve killed me all so he could get home faster

 **Sylvain:** And me? Never

 **Felix:** Fuck

 **Sylvain:** Thats how it is

 **Sylvain:** Some people just dont care they could cause pain with their actions

 **Felix:** I’ve never been in an accident

 **Sylvain:** I only in the unspectacular ones lol

 **Sylvain:** Like someone opened their door into my car and had to pay for a new paint job :)

 **Felix:** I would get so angry

 **Sylvain:** Its just a car

 **Felix:** My car was expensive. I’d throw fists if I saw someone damage it even the tiniest bit

 **Sylvain:** I dont want to know how many scratches lex left on mine lol

 **Felix:** He’s not allowed to come near my car

 **Sylvain:** He would piss against ur tires :)

 **Felix:** “He’s trained”

 **Sylvain:** He is!

 **Felix:** Emotional support pee machine too now?

 **Sylvain:** AAA FELIX NOOOOO

Felix grins. He looks up from his phone to see Caspar walk past, mirroring his grin. “I hope you’re winning,” he says.

“I am.”

“Good. I expect nothing less.” Caspar’s grin widens. “Good night now!”

“Good night.” Felix turns back to his phone as Caspar turns off the lights.

 **Sylvain:** U know how male dogs r

 **Sylvain:** They piss everywhere to mark their territory

 **Felix:** My car is not your dog’s property

 **Sylvain:** Once he accepts u into his pack…

 **Felix:** Honestly, I’m amazed Ingrid and Doro deal with this

 **Sylvain:** Bc they dont care abt cars

 **Sylvain:** Theyre just vehicles

 **Sylvain:** Not like

 **Sylvain:** OH NO

 **Felix:** What?

 **Sylvain:** Penis extensions…

 **Sylvain:** For people with tiny penises…

 **Sylvain:** Who need to compensate…

 **Felix:** I don’t need to compensate

 **Sylvain:** Happy with what ur packing?

 **Felix:** Yes, Mr. “Enormous Penis”

 **Sylvain** : Im cringing

 **Felix:** Learn to live with the consequences of your actions

 **Felix:** Anyway

 **Felix:** I just know I paid over 90k for my car and I don’t want its worth diminished by people (and dogs)

 **Sylvain:** Ouch

 **Sylvain:** I forget ur like

 **Sylvain:** Stinkin rich

 **Felix:** I’m still middle class

 **Sylvain:** Yea but like upper lol

 **Sylvain:** Anyway

 **Sylvain:** What do u think of arianrhod so far?

Felix exhales a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. The last thing he wants to do is make Sylvain uncomfortable, for whichever reason, and money talk is always stupid.

 **Felix:** It feels like we walked into another time

 **Felix:** Even the street lanterns look like they used to house gas lamps

 **Felix:** Cobblestones everywhere. Timber-framed houses. I think we even passed one of these wells. You know the round ones made of brick

 **Sylvain:** Yes I am

 **Sylvain:** Acquainted

 **Felix:** Oh sorry

 **Sylvain:** No damage done!

 **Sylvain:** I was in arianrhod once for about a week

 **Sylvain:** Been a couple years but prolly nothings changed

 **Sylvain:** I mean the city is ancient and i feel like u can smell it lmao

 **Felix:** I’ve been spared horse manure so far

 **Sylvain:** Yea u gotta be careful of that!

 **Felix:** ?

 **Sylvain:** Theres these horse coaches that ride around the historic (inside the wall) parts of town during the weekends

 **Sylvain:** For tourists

 **Sylvain:** I wish someone invented horse diapers

 **Felix:** Oh

 **Felix:** I’ll make sure not to stray

 **Sylvain:** But then ull miss all the good parts :(

 **Sylvain:** (Also ngl i was holding out for a souvenir)

Oh. In that case…

 **Felix:** I’ll make time to look around

 **Felix:** Oh by the way gym acquaintance / friend said he likes your music

 **Sylvain:** U showed him?

 **Felix:** We listened to it on the car ride

 **Sylvain:** :o

 **Sylvain:** My heart flutters

Felix smiles.

 **Felix:** Archery today wore me out

 **Felix:** I fell asleep during our obligatory movie

 **Sylvain:** What were u watchin?

 **Felix:** Conan

 **Sylvain:** The detective or the barbarian?

 **Felix:** Barbarian

 **Sylvain:** He ur type huh :)

 **Felix:** No?

 **Sylvain:** With his massive man tits :)

 **Felix:** Shut the fuck up

 **Sylvain:** Conans got a squeeze box he wears on his chest. And when felix comes home he never gets no rest

 **Felix:** I’m going to maul you

 **Sylvain:** I wanna see u try :)

 **Felix:** Just shut the fuck up

 **Felix:** Stop making fun of my tastes

 **Sylvain:** Oh im not making fun

 **Felix:** You’re a tease

 **Sylvain:** Fair enough

 **Sylvain:** Wanna see my man tits? So ull have some sweet dreams later

 **Felix:** You won’t like it much when I tell you that here there are a lot of sweaty men who take off their shirts

 **Felix:** I’ve seen my fair share of man tit today

 **Sylvain:** Aw and here i thought i was special :(

 **Felix:** You can show me your tits if it keeps you from crying

Real smooth, Felix. Real smooth.

Then again, Felix suspects Sylvain knows by now anyway, so what’s it matter?

 **Sylvain:** Gimme a sex!

 **Sylvain:** SEC

 **Sylvain:** OH GODS NO NOT AGAIN

Felix runs a hand through his hair. He can’t remember this ever happening but picturing Sylvain missing the key on his small phone is funny. Poor Ingrid and Dorothea. Sylvain is somewhat clumsy in an endearing way.

 **Felix:** What do you say to crop tops by the way?

 **Sylvain:** On women or on men or on me?

 **Felix:** All of them

 **Sylvain:** On women: Great. On men: Idk never seen it outside of like video games? Makes me feel a tiny bit self-conscious if that makes sense? Theyre always so ripped? On me: Never tried it lmao r there even crop tops for men?

 **Felix:** I’d be disappointed if not

 **Sylvain:** Man i could only wear them after like not having eaten for a day lol

 **Felix:** You look fine

 **Sylvain:** <sent picture>

Great. This comes in after Felix’s message which he could’ve otherwise used as a stand-in for a compliment. Licking his lips, Felix opens the photo to cover his whole screen and huddles deeper under his blanket.

Seriously, what Sylvain sent him is one small step away from a dick pic with the angle he picked: starting just below his belly (at that stupid teasing happy trail Felix wants to walk down) and reaching up to his jawline (on which, too, some hairs are peeking out). Sylvain sucked in his stomach to show off as much of his six pack as possible at this advanced hour of the evening, and it’s still impressive. And then there’s his tits. Not massive, but perfect, the tattoo trickling over the right side, his pendant spilling over the cleft of them.

Felix imagines how he’d be able to cup them in his hands, the hairs from Sylvain’s chest tickling his palms. His own hand rides up his abdomen to his nipples to circle them with his fingers the way he’d do to Sylvain. Would his breath hitch? Would he groan? Gasp? Moan? Sigh? Whimper? Would his body writhe and wind from pleasure? And what would happen if Felix pinched his nipples, if he swirled his tongue around them, if he let his teeth graze them?

It sucks he can’t try out every thought on himself. Chancing a glance at Caspar shows Felix nothing. That’s all he can make out in the dark. Gods. He shouldn’t do this. He really shouldn’t. Turning his back to Caspar’s side of the room, Felix abandons his phone to sneak his other hand into the waistband of his boxers. Before he’s going to make a mess he’ll have to clean up staying the fuck quiet, Felix stumbles out of bed into the bathroom.

What would it be like if it was Sylvain’s hands on him and not his own? Sylvain’s tongue, the way Felix imagined his own on him? Sylvain milking him for every last drop of cum Felix can spill, and having it run down his throat? Oh gods. Felix bites the inside of his cheek to keep from making noise as he drives himself over the edge with inappropriate thoughts about Sylvain. Now his cheek stings, his hand and tummy are a mess, and he has probably given himself away to Sylvain with his suspicious absence after looking at the picture.

Whatever. He can’t change what happened. And, to be honest, he doesn’t regret fapping. Not when he’s resolved to make a move.

In eight days. Only a little over a week left. Felix’s stomach sinks at the thought. He sneaks back to bed and reopens the chat.

 **Sylvain:** Compliment time!!!

A ten minute break, then Sylvain’s next message:

 **Sylvain:** Hey where r u? Did u just go to sleep? :(

It’s been another five minutes since. Felix’s hands tremble. He should finally give Sylvain some of what he wants.

 **Felix:** It’s sexy

 **Sylvain:** Isnt all of me? ;)

 **Sylvain:** But tell me lol

 **Sylvain:** Did u just get distracted? Or did u fall asleep again?

 **Felix:** A little

Let Sylvain think what he wants.

 **Sylvain:** I see

 **Sylvain:** So were only archery classes today or were u gonna try out anything else?

 **Sylvain:** Im such a lousy shot lmao id have tried lances

 **Felix:** There’s a purple man here who only signed up for lances as far as I know

 **Sylvain:** A purple man?

 **Felix:** It must be his favorite color

 **Felix:** Purple hair. Purple eyes. Purple clothes. He’s really tall. Perhaps even taller than you

 **Sylvain:** Im not *that* tall my tiny felix

 **Felix:** Shut up

 **Sylvain:** I told u ur the perfect height :(

Felix sucks in a breath to steady his heart. It doesn’t work.

 **Felix:** Anyway this purple man? He pisses me off

 **Sylvain:** He say anything funny to u?

 **Felix:** No, nothing of the sort. I don’t think he noticed me so far

 **Felix:** He just has a face that makes me wanna punch it

 **Sylvain:** ????? Elaborate

 **Felix:** He looks like Marilyn Manson

 **Felix:** Bad

 **Sylvain:** feLIX

 **Sylvain:** I woke up lex with my ugly laughter

Smiling to himself, Felix curls up further.

 **Felix:** And when he speaks he sounds like he got a stick rammed up his ass so far

 **Felix:** I have no idea how to finish this sentence

 **Sylvain:** There really no love lost there huh

 **Felix:** Not even the potential for it

 **Felix:** He’s two friends (both women) and I talked to one of them because she was also in archery

 **Sylvain:** Oh???

 **Felix:** She was nice enough I guess? I don’t know

 **Felix:** Caspar talked to the other one and I think she wanted to get in his pants?

 **Sylvain:** Whos caspar? ur friend?

 **Felix:** Yes, sorry

 **Sylvain:** Still lmao the kind of people u run into

 **Felix:** Envious?

 **Sylvain:** Depends

 **Sylvain:** I wouldnt mind meeting ur friends eventually

 **Sylvain:** But purple man? Nah

 **Felix:** I’ll make sure I’ll never see him again after this weekend

 **Felix:** I want to try out swords really bad so pray for me

 **Sylvain:** That u wont run into him there?

 **Felix:** Yes that and for my body because today left me exhausted

 **Sylvain:** Be careful!!!

 **Felix:** Yes

 **Sylvain:** Im not that pious but theres bound so be someone from the pantheon listening

 **Felix:** You actually go to church?

 **Sylvain:** Only with my parents

 **Sylvain:** I didnt go at all in enbarr lol you know how adrestia is vs faerghus when it comes to religion

 **Felix:** Yes

 **Sylvain:** But i feel like i dont really belong in those places

 **Sylvain:** Im not a spiritual man

 **Felix:** Me neither

 **Felix:** Mind if I go to sleep? I’ll have a long day ahead

 **Sylvain:** Aw

 **Sylvain:** Sleep well!

 **Felix:** You too

 **Sylvain:** Sweet man tiddy dreams <3

Felix rolls his eyes. He won’t give Sylvain the satisfaction and reply to this. And, anyway, he’s got plenty ‘man tiddy’ daydreaming done already.

* * *

If there’s one thing Felix would have done differently if he got to change something probably minor in his life, it would have been demanding to get sword lessons starting at the responsible age of four years. There’s no one in this class Felix recognizes from anywhere, but the instructor—a man bearing a striking resemblance to the woman from yesterday and no doubt the one Catherine labeled a ‘pretty boy’—doesn’t demand them to complete group tasks, so it’s fine with Felix. Instead, he has a very teacher-centered style of educating, and Felix’s hand flies across his notebook to absorb as much of the information as possible. It’s aching in no time, no thanks to the demanding practice from yesterday. Or the general lack of writing by hand in Felix’s life.

It’s the practical part that wins Felix over anyway. They get to spar with wooden practice swords that won’t cut but can leave bruises. Everyone’s drilled in standard stances to walk through on their own at first, then shields are handed out and the real fun begins.

You shouldn’t say these things about yourself, but Felix _feels_ he’s good for a beginner. He wins most of the bouts despite his aching arms, a ferocious grin spreading over his features. He should’ve started this sooner. He should keep going with it, become good for a professional.

There’ll be both sword and bow practice the following day, so Felix calls it quits once the practical lesson is over to walk downtown. By now, his legs are hurting, too. While the shower in-between did loosen his muscles somewhat, every day he’s mooning more for Sylvain’s bathtub.

And speaking of, there’s a reason for Felix exploring Arianrhod beyond the old garrison: The souvenir Sylvain demands. As always, there’s the obvious: a postcard (for which Felix doesn’t even have an address and asking would spoil the surprise), a phone charm in a time where phones don’t have places to clasp these on anymore (proof yet again that Arianrhod seems to be stuck in the past), a model of Arianrhod ending at the city walls (and a perfect dust magnet since the thing doesn’t serve any purpose), tea cups (designed by someone lacking a degree as even Felix, who’s untrained in anything artistic, can tell that a dark photograph on a white cup looks like it was put together on a fucking Word document), scarves and t-shirts and jackets in Arianrhod’s colors or spelling the city’s name in big letters with bigger hearts (only for people who feel no shame and while this may be applicable to Sylvain, Felix is capable of experiencing regret and embarrassment when Sylvain would hang out with him and don the stuff Felix gave him in a misguided attempt to please him).

In the end, Felix avoids walking into these tourist traps labeled ‘souvenir shops’ or alternately ‘gift shops’ altogether. Window shopping isn’t one of his strengths, and Felix passes the same shops at least three times before he sets foot in a bookstore. Instead of a stupid tourist thingy reminding Sylvain of nothing, since he isn’t here with Felix, he can have something he actually likes. Now the only problem is what to get him exactly. It’s not like Felix reads a lot, and he’s leeching off Sylvain’s recommendations for what he does end up reading (and abandoning two thirds through).

Well. There’s the book Dimitri gave him which… is cute and all but a story about a bunny and the moon isn’t exactly what Felix has in mind for Sylvain. From his window shopping he goes bookshelf browsing at random, eyes scanning the handwritten staff pick reviews. In the fantasy section, he finally comes across a novel catching his eye not just for the big golden key on its spine, but for the several positive reviews and, of course, the blurb on its back. It promises to be a love letter to story lovers, which sounds about right for Sylvain.

Tucking the novel under his arm, Felix makes for the check-out. There are a couple magnets depicting different Arianrhod landscapes waiting there for spontaneous people, so Felix adds the two he finds least hideous to the novel. The things aren’t postcards, but won’t make him look as unprepared as a postcard lacking an address would.

“Can you wrap it?” Felix asks the cashier when it’s his turn.

“Everything?” the woman asks.

“Yes. Peel off the price tags and, I don’t know, do you have Arianrhod wrapping paper?”

“Oh, we have one depicting the city scape.” The woman turns around to reach behind her and show Felix the motif: white lines on a blue background.

“This’ll do.”

The woman wraps the book and magnets without further discussion. Felix pays, and, the gift tucked under his arm, leaves.

When he returns to their hotel room, it’s to Caspar screeching under the shower. It takes Felix almost a full minute to make out it’s supposed to be _Eye of the Tiger_. Of course it is. Instead of listening to the massacre any further, Felix pops in his earphones and listens to some more sensible renditions of the song. For example, Annette’s. She hasn’t updated her channel this week so far, and for some reason, this makes Felix worry. He reminds himself it’s only Friday evening, and there’s still a few days left. And anyway, the school break is coming up soon what with New Years and all, so perhaps she’s extra busy or whatever. Hell if he knows how school works behind the scenes.

Felix only realizes Caspar’s done when he, standing right next to Felix and pointing at the gift, hair dripping wet, shouts, “What do you have there?”

Felix stops the music and pulls out his earphones. “Something for Sylvain.”

“A surprise?”

“More or less. It’s a novel I saw and thought he might like.”

“Oh. Good luck.” Whatever that’s supposed to mean. “Wanna watch _Predator_ tonight?”

“Now?”

“Yes!”

“Let’s eat first.”

“No wonder you’re so skinny!” Caspar laughs. Felix shoots him one of his trademark bitch face looks. “You forgot to eat.”

Felix decides against commenting on this, instead leading Caspar to the hotel buffet to stuff himself.

* * *

Felix lets himself fall flat on his face into his bed. Freshly showered. At home. With Cat purring into his ear next to him.

He’s finally home. The weekend took its toll on him, and yet gave him so many things to look forward to in the next year. Funny how that works. Here he is one day, a depressed, suicidal emo bitch, and suddenly he wakes up and he has friends, one of whom he gets especially excited for, and dreams, and aspirations. Work doesn’t suck as much anymore. Some things in life are gray no longer, but starting to color in. Some have been such a vibrant shock they made his eyes well up, a little like Sylvain’s do. From bliss.

The last two days at Camp—this is what Caspar eventually started calling it, and to give the man some credit where it’s due, it’s catchy—were exhausting. Felix’s body hurts in places he didn’t know he had much less could hurt. There was stupid phantom pain settling in eventually, the wisdom teeth he got pulled in his teens suddenly deciding to hurt like a bitch. Probing at air with his tongue and fingers sucked.

Well. Whatever.

He’s home now. Cat’s here. Felix scored friendship points with Caspar. He has Leonie’s number now which is weird, but so far they haven’t texted and he doesn’t think they will. But it was nice to have an ally in archery.

Felix turns around and pushes himself up onto his hands and knees. Crawling to the edge of the bed, he leaves to pick up his phone, then settles back into bed. He could text Sylvain. Or he could surprise him. His finger is trembling while it hovers over the call button. Felix pushes it, then cradles the phone to his ear.

It rings. Rings again. Rings a third time. Then it clicks and Sylvain says, “Felix? You all right?” Shit. He sounds so worried. Surprise somewhat failed.

“Yes! I just wanted to call you.”

“You never do.”

“I never _did_.” Felix rolls his eyes. Why is Sylvain arguing with him about this? “I’m _fine_. Exhausted, but fine.”

“You sound angry.”

“Because you can’t deal with being wrong for one single time in your life.” Felix has gone from cradling his phone to almost crushing it. Stifling a sigh, he puts Sylvain on speaker and places his phone on his nightstand. “So, how are you?”

“Oh, uh, caught off-guard?” Sylvain laughs nervously. “But happy! Since it’s you who called and not my piece-of-shit dad.”

“Something happen?”

“Oh, no.” Sylvain’s voice goes to a whisper. “I wouldn’t have picked up if I’d seen his name on my phone anyway.” When Sylvain snickers, Felix smiles. “So, how come you call? Want to hear my voice for a change, too?”

“Actually yes.”

“Aw.” Sylvain chuckles. “You miss me.”

“Five more days.”

“Your mantra, huh?” The grin Sylvain’s wearing is evident in his voice.

“N—”

“It’s mine, too.” Sylvain chuckles again, and it evolves into his nervous, bubbly laugh. “I can’t stop daydreaming about hanging out with you. Weird, huh?”

“No. It’s gay.”

Sylvain gasps. “Don’t sully our friendship!”

“Stop being homophobic. Biphobic. Whatever.” Felix rolls his eyes. “Sucking it up to the hets.”

“No, you misunderstood!” Felix imagines Sylvain throwing up his arms. “I meant that what we have is so much more than perhaps… gay?” His voice cracks at the last word. Sylvain clears his throat. “We’re friends. And nothing less. And it sorta sounded like,” Sylvain’s voice drops, going both quieter and deeper, “that wasn’t important to you.”

“The fuck, Sylvain?” Felix pushes himself up on his elbows to speak louder. “Never insinuate that again.”

“I won’t, I won’t!” Sylvain’s voice comes out high again. It’s like his voice is fucking breaking: crack, high, low, high, low, crack.

Felix takes a breath and forces himself to speak softly. “Hey, are you sure you’re all right?”

“I’m bombing this, aren’t I?”

“You’re at the very least a nervous wreck.”

“I told you you caught me off-guard.”

“You sure it’s nothing more?” Felix sits up fully, back leaning against the bed’s headrest.

“I—” Sylvain shuffles around on his end of the line. “Yes. I’m sure.”

Felix’s eyes narrow. He won’t accuse Sylvain of lying out loud, but this is suspicious. “Benefit of the doubt.”

“Good. So,” Sylvain modulates his voice back to a normal timbre, and it’s only now that Felix makes the connection that people who can sing might actually be good at controlling their voice and showing another person just as much as they want to, and this realization is putting so many new questions in his head, “how was your weekend?”

“Am I allowed to say gay things again?”

“You— What happened?” Sylvain sounds uncertain, even a little scared.

“Not what you think. I just wanted to reference this meme.”

Sylvain sighs. With relief? “Which meme?”

“‘While you were busy being heterosexual, I studied the blade.’”

“Wait, what really happened?” There’s a grin now in Sylvain’s voice, and Felix finally relaxes, sliding back down into a proper position of lying in his bed. “Also, for the record, I was not busy being heterosexual this weekend.”

“Good.” It slips out just like this, and Felix wants to bite his tongue. He knows he’s slipped up so many times that this doesn’t make a damn difference, but it happening this easily is something he blames on his exhaustion and his advanced apathy towards the matter. So far, Sylvain hasn’t said he minds. Oh no, he even encourages Felix by showing off his stupid tits. “I just discovered that swords are the coolest thing ever.”

“You should play video games,” Sylvain says, laughing. “You would’ve noticed so much earlier. Especially BFS—”

“That’s not the same and you know it.”

“Yeah, there’s usually this fantasy aspect. And I guess some video game swords would be pretty much unusable in real life.”

“Yes.”

“But you’re missing the point! They look cool and they have cool effects!”

“How can you look at a real sword and not think it looks cool?” Felix rolls around towards his phone. So far, Cat has given him the stink eye for having left her in the care of strangers and surrounded by members of her fellow species. “Just the general shapes and how the blades can curve—wait a sec.” He gets up to retrieve his notes.

“You going to nerd on me?” Sylvain’s voice comes from far off. Oops. Should’ve taken his phone with him.

Felix sprints back to his bed and curses himself immediately after. His legs are jelly. “Yes.”

“Gotta say that’s a new one and I like it.” Sylvain sounds like he’s smiling. “Welcome to the club, fellow nerd.”

Felix snorts, causing Sylvain to chuckle. “I just fetched my notes. So.” Felix turns on his nightstand’s light. Sylvain would be so proud of him if he saw. “There’s four general sword designs, because some blades are meant for slashing and others for stabbing or chopping. All three in one blade usually result in a bad sword.”

“So if you want to do everything, you need several swords?”

“Yes.”

“Dual wield.”

“That’s impractical.”

“Or triple wield!”

Felix shoots the phone a look. “I don’t even want to know how that’s supposed to work.”

“You should really watch One Piece even if you think pirates are stupid. Just the first season or so.”

“I still don’t want to know.”

“You’re disappointingly boring, Fraldarius.”

“At least I don’t look at anime tiddy.”

“But at my man tiddies.” Sylvain laughs. Fuck him for gaining the upper hand.

“Anyway, sword shapes because you should only ever use _one_ sword in real life. You could dual wield a sword and dagger in formal duels, but that’s not what happened on battlefields.”

“I’m ready.” Sylvain sounds like he’s acting: overdramatic. “Infuse me with knowledge.”

Felix rolls his eyes even if Sylvain won’t be able to see. “First up is the cruciform sword. You know that one.”

“It looks like a cross. Pommel, hilt, guard, blade.”

“Pommel, _grip_ , guard, blade. Everything that’s not the blade is called hilt.”

“Okay, sorry. Grip. And the guard and blade are straight. Nice 90 degree angles.”

“You got it. Then there’s curved swords.”

“With a curved blade that curves more the further away it is from the hilt?”

“Yes. Usually you call them sabers. They’re good for slashing. Use them on horseback.”

“Two questions: Why on horseback?”

“I didn’t write that down.”

Sylvain laughs. “Pragmatist. And two: How do you know I ride?”

Felix blinks and sets his notes down for now. “You do?”

“Mhm. Ingrid grew up super rurally, like on a farm. Her family has lots of domesticated animals—cows, pigs, chickens, you name it. And horses. It’s pretty cool. So I started taking lessons together with her from her parents.”

“And you still ride out from time to time?”

“Yes, although to be honest, I kinda let it slide in recent years.” Sylvain shuffles around on his end again. “But you could get me back on track! Ride with me!”

“I have no idea how… horses work.”

Sylvain laughs. “They don’t ‘work’, they’re not computers.”

“See? I won’t be compatible.”

“Quitter.”

“Your model of masculinity doesn’t work on me.”

“It was worth a shot.” Sylvain laughs, good-natured.

“Back to swords.”

“Right.”

Felix leans forward to pick up his notes again. He has to scan the page to find the place he left off on. “Then there’s chopping swords. The blades usually have the most mass at the top third of the single-edged blade. Some of them curve a bit.”

“So they look like an axe?”

“More blade, less hilt. I think machetes are an example? Anyway, these swords can be used for beheading. Or chopping off limbs.”

“Nasty.”

“Mhm. But many people used them for more mundane tasks.”

“Like a machete.”

“It’s like this sword shape’s descendent.”

“I see. And what’s the fourth type? Shape?”

“Swords for stabbing. Think of rapiers. Long. Narrow. Good for thrusting.”

Sylvain laughs. “Except for the ‘narrow’ part this sounds like—”

“No.” Felix waits a second. And another. Sylvain remains silent. “We’re not going there. Swords are weapons meant to injure people.”

“Right.” Felix gives Sylvain the moment he needs to compose himself again. Must be painful, to be thinking with your dick this much. “Did you injure anybody?”

“No. We trained with wooden training swords first. The really ambitious ones—me included—were allowed to use swords with dull blades next.”

“Did you use cruciform swords?”

“Yep.”

“You bested anyone?”

“Yes, usually.”

Sylvain whistles. “Impressive.”

“I’m planning on signing up for actual lessons.”

“Oh, do it! And show me some of what you learned then!”

“Maybe we can spar.”

Sylvain laughs. “You’d kick my ass.”

“As intended.”

Sylvain’s laughter grows bellowing. Felix smiles at the sound. “I love it when you’re cocky like this.”

Felix’s smile grows and blooms into a grin. “You love the thought of me wiping the floor with you, huh?”

“Yeah. People messing me up like this—in a playful manner of course… totally my type.”

Felix stops and sputters and then he laughs, too. Not because this is funny, but because he is happy and he has no idea how else to deal with an emotion so strong.

He hears Sylvain join in, a faint, rumbling chuckle sounding from his phone. “I have no idea how I did it but I’m glad I made you laugh.”

“Clown.”

“Jester. That’s what the J in my middle name stands for.”

“You have a middle name?”

“Mhm.” Sylvain chuckles again. There’s an undertone in it now that Felix can’t place. “But I’ll let you tease that information out of me the hard way.”

“I’ll just steal your ID next week.”

Sylvain laughs. “Sneaky bastard.”

“I’m fast.”

“I know.” Now Sylvain fricking giggles. “I remember how you chased me down. Jumped onto my back.”

“I’d hoped to topple you over.”

“You’re a wild one,” Sylvain says, and Felix can hear in his voice that he approves.

“When I’m comfortable and can be myself.”

“I thought I’d made you angry.”

“You had.” Felix smirks. “But I don’t know the last time I’d felt like this, so you’re forgiven.”

“Not to kill the mood, but you should really get that checked out.”

The smirk vanishes. Felix swallows. “I’m getting better.”

“I haven’t known you long enough to be able to tell.” Sylvain sighs. Felix knows his hand is clasping the back of his neck. “You’re much more open than you were at first. But it’s impossible to say what you’re really feeling when it’s just text, you know.”

“At first it was indifference. Now it’s not, not anymore.” Felix licks his lips. “And not just towards you. Things have started to matter again.”

“That’s a big first step.”

“Thank you for that.”

“Aw.” Sylvain chuckles lightly. “Lemme ruffle your hair.”

“I hate it when people do it.”

“Even when it’s me doing it?”

“Not as much.”

Sylvain laughs. “Hate is a strong emotion anyway. It’d be worth it.”

“Imagine my middle finger.”

“Rude.” Sylvain keeps laughing anyway. Felix smiles. Mood swings are stupid but at least he swings into the good moods, too. “Whoever taught you manners?”

“My brother.”

“Man, you don’t want to know how _I’d_ have ended up if I took Miklan as role model.”

“You’re right, I don’t.” Felix rolls over onto his back. “I’m glad you turned out kind.”

“Soft Felix,” Sylvain more purrs than says. It makes Felix shudder.

“Shut up. I’m tired.”

Sylvain sighs. “All right. Wanna go to sleep?”

“I should. I have work tomorrow and I didn’t exactly sleep well in the hotel.”

“Oh. Why not?”

“It felt wrong. It even smelled wrong.”

“What do you mean?”

“My bed smells like me and Cat.”

“Man, you’re gonna have a hard time once you crash at my place.”

Felix has fallen asleep rather easily whenever he wore Sylvain’s college jacket, still unwashed, traces of Sylvain’s cinnamon and dried fruit smell still clinging to it. Still, the hotel room wasn’t his thing. Perhaps it was Caspar’s presence raising Felix’s hackles? “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

“Right.” Sylvain breathes loud enough for Felix to hear. Once. Twice. “Want me to sing you a lullaby?”

“What?” Felix’s voice comes out with a lot of bite. Nevertheless, he’s inclined to laugh. “I told you at least five times now: I am not a baby.”

“I will not say the word ‘baby’, promised.”

“Pinky promise.”

“Yes, pinky promise.”

“Then sing.”

Sylvain laughs. “Let me fetch my ukulele.”

“What’s up with your obsession with that instrument?”

“I’m not obsessed.” Sylvain shuffles around on his end. “I just think it’s portable and good for harmonics. Also, you’ve never heard me play live.”

Felix wants to _see_ him while he does. Perhaps he’ll pack an instrument. Or they can go to a musician’s shop and Sylvain can go show off there. “True.”

Sylvain hums a little tune Felix can’t place, then strums the strings on what must be a ukulele. “Gimme a sec.”

“I’ll already have fallen asleep by the time you’re ready.”

Sylvain snorts. “Mission accomplished either way.” Felix sticks out his tongue even though Sylvain won’t be able to see. He picks several strings, strums a few chords, and hums a scale up and down. “Ready?”

“This is stupid.”

“I’ll count that as a ‘yes’.” Sylvain strums a few chords, now harmonic, and Felix—who admittedly has never held a guitar or something similar in his life—is impressed by how fast and precise Sylvain can modulate the harmonics. Or play different chords. Whatever he’s doing. Then he starts singing in his clear voice, making goosebumps erupt on Felix’s arms. He huddles deeper under his blanket, closes his eyes, and imagines Sylvain sitting on the end of the bed and singing for him.

Either way, this is a private concert meant for Felix’s ears only (even if Cat will listen in as well, and Lex might, too).

“Hush you bye, don’t you cry, go to sleepy, little Feelie.”

Felix snorts. Yeah. No ‘baby’.

Sylvain chuckles in kind before resuming his singing. “When you wake, you shall have all the pretty little horses.” He follows up with a short interlude that could qualify as a solo. Show-off. “Blacks and bays,” he continues singing, “dapples and grays, coach and six a-little horses.” He follows up with a shorter interlude, then finishes with, “Hush-a-by, don’t you cry. Go to sleep, my little Felix.” Sylvain completes the song with a scale up that ends in the final note of the scale he used, completing the harmony.

“You make me feel like a baby, even when you don’t use the word.”

Sylvain laughs. “Well, that’s what lullabies are like.”

“Come up with a better one. Also, ‘Feelie’? Sounds like ‘feeler’. You know, an insect antenna.”

Sylvain’s laugh turns hysteric. Felix smiles, grins, giggles, laughs along. “You’re hard to please.”

“Depends on what you’re offering.”

“Tits? You fall right asleep.” Felix rolls his eyes. “An actual song? You make fun of me.”

“Yep.”

“We even talked a tiny bit about horses earlier! I was so proud of myself for picking this one.”

“You played well.”

“Ah, finally. A compliment.” Sylvain shuffles around on his end. “So, you liked it?”

“Yes. Thank you.”

“Aw. Hug?”

“A tight one.”

“All night long?”

“I won’t let go.”

Sylvain chuckles. “I would let you go, albeit unwillingly.”

“Good. I don’t want you clinging to my back when I have to go piss.”

Sylvain sighs. “And there goes the romance.”

Heat rises to Felix’s face. “I’m not mushy enough for this.”

“I know, I know. I’ll still hug you good-night. Tug you into bed. Give you a kiss on the forehead.”

“I’m rolling my eyes.”

“I know, I know. You’re not a baby.”

“Yep.” Felix listens to Sylvain’s even breathing. Seems like neither of them wants to hang up. “Sylvain?”

“Hm?”

“Good night. Sleep well.”

“You too.” Felix can hear Sylvain smile. “The sweetest of dreams.”

“Thank you. For everything.” Felix hangs up before Sylvain can reply. He even shuts off his phone, then curls up into a fetal position to sleep. Since he’s not a baby.


	25. Day 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally the first third of a really long chapter but I decided to split it into three smaller chunks for easier digestion. Please note I changed the fic's rating once again in accordance to this chapter's contents ;>

Sitting on the front steps next to the ramp leading to the front door of the house he’s living in, Felix freezes his ass into a permanent rectangle while he sucks on his last comfort stick with free cancer before the inevitable. Sylvain is supposed to round the corner any minute now, and with this come Felix’s memories of himself bragging he’d make a move this weekend.

Yeah, right.

It’s so easy to say to people who don’t know Sylvain, easy to say when there’s still days and nights to count down, easy to say when there’s a chance of Sylvain suddenly winding up with a nasty cold or whatever. But no message like this reached Felix; instead he found himself bombarded with excitement in the form of permanent caps and a bazillion exclamation marks. He only replied to a meager 20 percent of what reached him to focus on cleaning the condo. The last thing Sylvain needs to know is that Felix can be messy when his head is fucked up for the day.

To have enough time to clean and hit the gym on top of being ready for Sylvain this evening, Felix took half the day off and already left at one. He even bought these ugly floral print cushions so Sylvain’s ass will not end up flattened.

Just as Felix crushes his smoked-up cig under the heel of one boot, a cracking sound comes from the far end of the street. Saints. Felix should’ve known what to expect, but when Sylvain drives up to him on his fucking motorcycle like promised, clad in tight-fitting, black biker gear, Felix does not want to ogle as much. The engine is still rumbling faintly when Sylvain comes to a stop right where Felix is sitting. Pushing up the visor, Sylvain says, “I’ll hug you in a minute when you tell me where to park.”

“Can you turn off the engine and push it?”

The engine cuts off. “Yep.” Felix swallows as he watches Sylvain get off his bike. He knew biking gear is supposed to fit snugly and comes with extra fitted parts in the butt area, but Felix wasn’t prepared for Sylvain’s eye in the choosing and looking as though he was sculpted by the Goddess Herself.

Felix wants to slap himself.

Sylvain takes off his helmet and runs a gloved hand through his hair. “I hope I don’t look funny with my hair plastered to my head,” he says and laughs.

“You look fine.”

Sylvain smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners. “So do you.” Helmet tugged underneath one arm, he nods to his bike before pushing it up onto the sidewalk. “Now, lead the way.”

Felix hums in assent and shows Sylvain the way around the exterior of the house, down into the parking garage. He’s very aware of Sylvain’s eyes on his back and his rectangle-shaped ass. What a wonderful impression. A stray strand of hair has worked itself loose from Felix’s messy ‘do and tickles the back of his neck. “Guest parking is over here.” Felix points to the space labeled as such, then opens his hair to retie it.

Sylvain pushes his bike up into a free spot. Whistling, he retrieves a bag from the trunk and places his helmet inside instead before locking everything up. The bag is waiting by his feet when he turns around and asks, “What’re you idling away for back there?”

Felix schools his face into something that hopefully doesn’t look like the suppressed grin it is and walks over to Sylvain, hands in the front pockets of his pants. He tries and fails to look even half as cool as Sylvain does without trying. “Here I am,” Felix says when he comes to a stop in front of Sylvain, raising his chin to look him in the eyes.

Without warning, Sylvain’s arms come around Felix’s body and push him against his chest. Felix works his own arms free to pull Sylvain against him in turn. Oh, how he missed this! Today, Sylvain smells of cured leather and the road, but there’s still his smell of clean laundry and winter spices clinging to him underneath it. Small sounds escape Sylvain, happy sounds, joy and bliss and excitement all intermingled into the short and high-pitched noises that work themselves out of him, uncontrolled, real.

Felix tightens his hold on him and Sylvain gasps, then chuckles, no, giggles. He leans down to rest his head on Felix’s shoulder and whispers, “Missed me a whole lot, huh?”

The way Sylvain’s breath tickles Felix’s ear and neck makes him shudder. “You give damn fine hugs,” he whispers back.

“Told you I’m good at hugging.” Sylvain loosens his grip and for a moment Felix thinks this is it, but then Sylvain’s hands are back on his back and one in his hair, and he realizes Sylvain took off his gloves. His fingertips tickle on Felix’s scalp as Sylvain rakes his fingers between it and Felix’s hair tie. His bun is not going to hold like this, but it feels so good that Felix does the only thing he can to give back and combs his hand through Sylvain’s hair. It’s still soft as feathers, messy from wearing a helmet but not sweaty from it. “I love this,” Sylvain whispers against Felix’s neck, making him tremble. Felix keeps petting Sylvain’s hair, his neck dampening slowly with Sylvain’s hot breath against it.

Eventually, Sylvain’s grip loosens again, and this time he steps back. His grin lights up the whole underground garage. Felix finds himself unable to resist any longer, so he smiles back. “Hey,” he says, voice soft enough to crack. Yes. Fantastic. “How are you?”

“Unbelievably great.” Sylvain picks up his gloves, then slings his bag over his shoulder by a strap. “And you?”

“Me too.” Because this is the easiest reply to give, and the truest to boot. “You have everything?”

“Yep.” Felix nods and leads the way from the garage to the adjacent basement, keys jingling as he unlocks the door. “Which floor are you living on again? Third?”

Of course he remembers. “Yes.”

“I’m so excited to finally meet Cat.”

Felix snorts, ascending the steps in the back of the house together with Sylvain. It’s not the straight-forward route to access the condos and still Sylvain follows him with nary a protest. “Lex is with Ingrid?”

“Yep. Dropped him off, then packed my bag and made my way to you!”

“You came from the other side than the one I expected you to pick.”

Sylvain laughs. Felix shoots him a glance as he rounds the corner of the stairway to see his cheeks color in. “Your directions were perfect but I messed them up anyway.”

“No GPS?”

“Nope. I mean, I did drive you home that last stretch two weeks ago so I thought my memory would’ve been better.” Sylvain shrugs.

“It’s still amazing.”

“Thanks. And I found it, so everything’s fine.”

Felix’s hair slips out of the tie and he puts it into another messy bun that’ll hopefully hold. He leads Sylvain around to the main stairwell and unlocks his front door. “Don’t let Cat sneak out.”

“Never!”

“Not onto the balcony either.”

“I’ll be careful, promise!”

“Good.” Felix pushes the door open. Cat is sitting across it on the other end of the hallway, pupils filling in when Sylvain enters right behind him. “Take off your boots. I cleaned everything today.”

“For me?” Sylvain asks, dutifully dropping to a knee.

“Yes,” Felix bites out. His own boots are off in heartbeat yet Sylvain overtakes him. Cat watches his approach, head tilting up the closer he gets. “So far she’s reacted well to guests.”

“You said she doesn’t scratch, didn’t you?”

“Mhm.”

“Well, if you feel like scratching today, Cat, please abuse my biker gear as long as I’m still wearing it and not my skin.” Sylvain reaches out to her, letting her sniff his fingers before she knocks her head against his outstretched palm. A smile blooms on his face as Cat starts purring, and Felix watches Sylvain squat and place his bag next to him to scratch Cat beneath her chin, and her rub herself all over him. “I think she loves me.”

“She loves everyone.”

“I love you, too,” Sylvain whispers, making Felix wish he and Cat traded places for the moment.

“Say, d’you want something to drink?” Felix already walks off into the kitchen.

“A glass of water would be great.” Sylvain catches up to Felix, craning his neck as he takes it all in. “Tap water’s fine.”

Felix pours him a glass, turning around to see Sylvain’s stupid jugular in HD as he since opened the collar of his jacket. And Felix did not realize Sylvain was standing this close to him. Taking a step back, he offers the glass.

“Thanks.” Sylvain smiles. “Say, you give me a quick tour and then let me change? It’s getting—”

“Uncomfortable?”

“Hot.” Sylvain laughs. “Although I have to admit it’s kinda tight in places.”

“I hope you’re talking about your tits and not your enormous penis.”

Sylvain chokes and spews half the water from his mouth into the sink. He’s coughing, and Felix doesn’t know if he’s supposed to thump him on his back or not. Before he makes a decision, Sylvain regains his composure. “Saints.”

Felix smirks. “Yes, you may change, to answer your question.”

Sylvain pours himself another mouthful he quickly downs. “You know these playboy calendars?”

“Yes?”

“You need those in the male variation. With only zoomed-into man tits.”

“My brother gave me one of those as a joke once, when I lived together with my now-boss.” Felix inclines his head towards the kitchen doorway, and at Sylvain’s nod leads him back to the hallway.

“You liked it, huh?”

“Back then, I thought it was actually great. My boss was a little,” Felix licks his lips, “I don’t know, he seemed uncomfortable? But I’m not sure if he liked what he saw or if he compared himself to the pictures.” Felix tilts his head back to watch Sylvain’s reaction. “Back then he used to have massive man tits as well, you know. Maybe still has.”

Sylvain swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “You probably liked it when he walked around half-naked.”

“Can’t say I didn’t.” Felix walks Sylvain into the living room. “Living room. I usually chill here.” He points at his sofa, then nods over to the sliding door. “And that’s the balcony.”

Sylvain shakes his head, strands of his hair flying. “And your rubber plant,” he says, indicating said plant with a tilt of his head. He makes his way over to the balcony, passing Cat’s tree and scratching post on the way, then makes eye contact with Felix and waits for his assent before sliding the door open and stepping outside with him. He slides the door closed behind Felix. Head and eyes moving around, he takes in the view from here and leans over the railing. “So you liked the calendars only ‘back then’, or did I interpret this wrongly?”

“No, you’re right.” Felix steps up to him, trying to find the place Sylvain’s focusing on. “I’m not a fan of hairless man chests. It looks… I don’t know. Sterile? Feminine? Or, like a boy and not a man. Or worse, a doll.” Felix sighs, leaning over the railing himself. “I mean, when I want to look at a man, the hair’s got to be there.”

“I see.”

“I was just younger and less experienced. You do a lot of shit and call it ‘experimentation’ even when you think it’s awful.”

Sylvain’s eyes flit over to Felix. “But is it wrong to try out something new?”

“No. It’s wrong to let yourself be talked into something even when you already know it sucks for you.”

“I think we’re both past that age.” Sylvain reaches out, fingertips leaving ghost trails on Felix’s scalp as Sylvain works his hair tie loose. “Do me a favor and wear it open for once.”

“Why?”

“Because I like it.” Felix fails to suppress the shudder that goes through him when Sylvain combs his hair with his fingers. He steps behind Felix, and Felix uses the chance to relax, close his eyes, and blush in peace.

“Don’t tangle it.”

“I won’t.” Sylvain’s hands lift the thick braid of hair to expose the nape of Felix’s neck. He shudders again, and not from the sudden cold air. That he’s used to. “On pictures, you don’t really see how glossy it is. And how soft to the touch. Silken.”

Felix snorts. The latter remark is so much truer for Sylvain. “I don’t put any shit on it, if you’re wondering.”

“Thought so, li’l pragmatist.” Sylvain gives Felix’s hair a quick tug that makes Felix bite his bottom lip so he won’t betray his pleasure at this small gesture. “I wish I was any good with braiding hair.”

“I’m glad you’re not. Also,” Felix steps aside, his hair falling back down as it flows through Sylvain’s fingers, “I thought you wanted me to leave it untied.”

“It’s weird.” Sylvain clasps the back of his neck. “I want so many things at the same time.”

“You wanted to change out of these clothes.”

Sylvain laughs. “That, too.” He turns around and glances back to Felix, a smile spreading when Felix follows him. The door slides open and closed, and both are back inside. “I’m excited about the bathroom.”

“The bathroom.” Felix arches an eyebrow and leads Sylvain back into the hallway, where Sylvain picks up his bag, then shows him into the room. “Here.”

By now, Sylvain’s already opened his jacket. “I’ll be a minute, ‘kay?” He steps inside, looking around.

“Okay. I’ll be in the bedroom. The last room.”

“That I’m even more excited about!”

Felix turns away from Sylvain and walks off, hiding his angry flushing face by keeping his back to the other man, then by plopping down face-first onto his mattress. Cat joins him soon enough, knocking her head against Felix’s until he rolls over onto his back and cracks his eyes open.

Sylvain walks into his field of vision, clad in a tight dark t-shirt and equally tight, dark pants, Felix sees when he sits up. A strip of skin shows between shirt and waistband, and Felix wants to pull Sylvain’s shirt down to cover this distracting flash of flesh. “Here I am!” He sits down next to Felix, hands digging into the mattress. “Oh, soft.”

“This is my side.”

“And the other’s Cat’s?”

“You called it.”

Sylvain laughs. “Guess I’ll have to share with a lady after all.”

“Don’t try anything funny with her.”

“I won’t.” Sylvain leans closer to Felix, bumping shoulders. “Despite evidence to the contrary, I’m not here for her.”

Felix won’t be able to stand the brilliant smile he knows must be directed at him, so he keeps looking at his own legs. “I got you something in Arianrhod.”

“You didn’t have to—”

“You were the one whining about a souvenir.” Felix rolls his eyes and pushes himself up. “Come.” He leads Sylvain back into the living room where he hid the wrapped gift in his desk drawer. Handing it over, he watches Sylvain’s expression shift from uncertain surprise to genuine bliss. “Here.”

“You even wrapped it!”

“I didn’t.”

“I don’t care.” Sylvain walks over to the sofa he then plops down on, his fingers fondling the gift inside. “It’s a book.”

Felix sits down next to him. “I didn’t know what else to get you.”

“I hope it’s not a tourist guide to Arianrhod.” Sylvain laughs. “The paper’s not supposed to clue me in I hope.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “I’m not that stupid.”

“You’re not stupid at all,” Sylvain says in a more subdued tone. “Don’t undersell your abilities.” Felix sighs and leaves it at that. Sylvain opens the gift, taking care to do it slowly and not rip it open, just like Felix did. Funny how they have these stupid little pet peeves in common. Eventually Sylvain takes out the novel and the two magnets. He turns the latter ones over to study their motifs. “Hah! Arianrhod!”

“So you’ll have something souvenir-ish. You could’ve gotten this book everywhere.”

Settling the magnets aside, Sylvain turns over the book. “ _The Starless Sea_ … It’s beautiful.”

“It caught my eye.”

“But you haven’t read it?”

“Only the blurb. But it sounds like something you’d like.”

“I’ll tell you in,” Sylvain runs his finger through the pages, finding the last one and nodding to himself, “a week.” He closes the book and reads the blurb himself. “It sounds interesting at any rate.” Sylvain places the book next to the magnets and the wrapping paper, then turns towards Felix, arms already raised for the inevitable hug. “Thank you.”

Sylvain slumps against Felix, knocking the breath out of his lungs. Felix wraps his arms around the other man, holding him closer as Sylvain’s arms tighten around him in turn. “It’s just a book and some magnets.”

“You thought of me and picked something I’d like. That I appreciate a lot.” Enough at any rate to nuzzle his face against Felix’s neck, making his breath hitch. It’s not like anyone who cares will see them, so Felix decides to let Sylvain weigh him down. Lying on his back, Felix holds Sylvain close, fingers kneading the muscles in Sylvain’s back. It’s uncomfortable with Sylvain’s arms still around him and Felix lying on top of them, and even more so when Sylvain wriggles them out from underneath him, but once they are free, Sylvain buries his hands in Felix’s hair, just breathing against his neck, content.

Felix has no idea how long they stayed like this when Sylvain lets go of him and pushes himself up. His eyes are warm and soft as he looks down at Felix. Felix swallows, struggling to match Sylvain’s radiant smile.

“I love hugging you,” Sylvain says.

“I figured.”

“It feels so good.” Sighing, smile still big and bright, Sylvain sits back. He picks up the book and magnets and wraps the wrapping paper around them again. “I have something for you, too.”

Wait, what? Felix pushes himself up on his elbows. “You already gave me the chocolate last time.”

“Does it matter?”

“It means I’d be one gift behind which is stupid.”

Sylvain laughs. “It’s not a competition.” He scoops up the re-wrapped gift. “I’ll be a minute.”

“Okay.” Felix watches Sylvain’s back (and ass) as he walks to the bedroom and his bag. His t-shirt rides up his back even worse than his front, and Felix can’t tell if Sylvain is just being stupid and doesn’t realize his shirt might be a little too tight or short or whatever, or if he picked it on purpose to drive Felix crazy with the urge to yank it down. Or up.

Sylvain returns, a tiny wrapped parcel in his hand. Sitting down close enough for his hips to knock against Felix’s, he hands over the gift. “I saw it by chance and thought of you.”

“Same as with your wrapping paper, huh?” Because Sylvain used the cat one again.

“I still have so much of it left.” Sylvain chuckles, hand flying to the back of his neck. “Expect to be showered in gifts until I run out.”

Felix rolls his eyes despite his smile. He picks on the adhesive which he then slowly pulls off as to not damage the cats, then turns the parcel around to let gravity do the rest of the work. A metal charm falls onto his hand. He picks it up on its carabiner and shakes out the charm, tiny interlocked chain links twinkling silver in the light. On the other end of the charm, a small sword hangs by its pommel, the guard and blade studded with small blue crystals.

“Oh,” Felix breathes, heart beating fast in his chest. He leans down to study the intricate details on the sword. “It’s beautiful.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Sylvain grins, a flush rivaling Felix’s spreading over his cheeks. “Like—” He clears his throat. “I saw it by chance and now that you’re a man of the sword, you should have one to start your collection with.”

“I don’t have anywhere to put it.”

“Your earlobes?” Sylvain reaches out to brush Felix’s hair away from his ears.

Leaning back to get out of Sylvain’s reach—a misguided attempt that fails of course, what with Sylvain leaning forward to match Felix’s movements—Felix gnashes his teeth together. His cheeks are flaring. “I told you I don’t have any body mods.”

Sylvain tilts his head to the side and pulls his hand back. “Yeah, you’re right. Although I took you to mean you don’t have flesh tunnels like me.”

“This is one disgusting word if I ever heard one.”

Sylvain laughs. “It’s what they’re called.” He brushes his own hair back for Felix to get his first good glimpse at them in real life: a pair of black rings of about 15 millimeters in diameter, through which Felix can see. To drive the point home, Sylvain sticks one of his fingers inside the hole. “You can even pull at them a bit. Doesn’t hurt.” He demonstrates it.

Felix is uncertain whether to feel disgusted or fascinated. He settles on the latter for Sylvain’s sake. “Did it hurt?”

“The actual piercing only pricked a little. Syringes are way worse, trust me.”

Felix nods. “And the stretching?”

“You do it in increments. At most two millimeters more for each size, less when you just start out. It was uncomfortable whenever I put in one size larger since the hole needs to accommodate—”

“That’s what she said.”

Sylvain gasps. “Did you ask me only to make the joke?”

“No, it just… came out.” Felix looks away. He can’t bear Sylvain’s shit-eating grin, and he doesn’t want him to watch his rapidly spreading flush.

“That’s what she said, too.”

Felix shakes his head, trying to suppress the smile spreading over his features. “Thank you for the surprise.” His hand closes around it, the edges of the small sword digging into his palm. If the blade were sharp, it would cut.

“I’m just glad it didn’t go wrong.” Sylvain laughs. “I never know with you.”

“I’m not hard to please.”

Sylvain winks. “We’ll see about that.” Felix blinks at him, uncertain what to make of Sylvain’s remark. Instead of doing him the courtesy of following the trail he laid out by his words, Felix gets up to walk over to his desk to stow the charm away safe from Cat’s antics. Sylvain is noisy when he makes to follow Felix. His head pops into Felix’s field of vision when he leans forward and asks, “You remember we wanted to cook?” A sheepish smile spreads over his lips. “I’m sorta ravenous.”

“‘Sorta ravenous’,” Felix echoes, smiling and shaking his head. “Come on. I printed out that recipe you sent me.”

Sylvain hums in reply, then says, “Wait. I didn’t see your printer.”

“I only have one in my office.”

Sylvain mock-gasps. “You’re using the paper and ink your company paid for?”

“Who’s going to care? I’m not. My boss isn’t.” Felix shrugs, entering the kitchen. “I’m safe. And when others do it I turn a blind eye, too. Goddess knows what’s on their pay check. And the company can afford it.”

“It’s not like I don’t order all kinds of shit and file a tax refund because it’s for the studio, according to me.” Sylvain chuckles. His fingertips brush Felix’s shoulder, making the fine hairs on Felix’s neck stand up. Good thing he’s wearing it open for Sylvain.

Shrugging him off, Felix walks through the kitchen to put pots on the stove and take the ingredients out of the fridge and the cupboards. “See? And we order paper and ink in bulk for Blue Lions so it’s cheaper, and we pay less for electricity. Internet’s free there anyway. As long as you don’t jerk at work—”

Sylvain bursts out in laughter. “It rhymes!”

Felix smirks. “It does. I hope you get my point anyway.”

“I do, I do. It’s good to know you’re so chill.” Sylvain’s hand is back, squeezing Felix’s shoulder. “Some guys in your position are real assholes.”

“I am, too.”

“Not to me.”

“Yeah, to you I’m just an unreal asshole.”

Sylvain snorts. “You _are_ unreal.” He can’t contain his giggles.

Felix smiles to himself, back turned to Sylvain as he opens the pasta and dumps it in one of the pots. At least one person on this planet appreciates his jokes and even joins in. “You said you wanted to help.” Felix nods at the recipe pinned to the range hood. “Make yourself useful.”

“Yes.” Sylvain squeezes his shoulder again. “Gimme your internet key and I can put on some nice tunes for us.”

“Router’s in the living room, on that shelf with the folders. I taped a note with the new password to it.”

“Be right back!”

So instead of making himself useful, Sylvain makes himself scarce. The water boiler’s done and Felix bathes the pasta in it. Ashe told him about the wooden spoon trick to keep the water from boiling over and it’s about time Felix implements that piece of advice in his life.

Sylvain returns when Felix is sorting through the other ingredients in a vain attempt to figure out where to start exactly. It wouldn’t matter if he were the only one having to eat whatever he ends up making, but he can’t—mustn’t—damage Sylvain’s taste buds. “Anything in particular you can’t stand?”

“Justin Bieber.”

Sylvain laughs. “Don’t worry. I’ll put on a 90s rock station so we can sing and dance along.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “I’m here to cook.”

“Well, _I’m_ here to have fun, too.” Sylvain sticks out his tongue, humming along to the opening of _Zombie_.

“I won’t dance with you.”

“But sing?” Sylvain sounds so hopeful that Felix almost feels bad for crushing his dream. Almost.

“No. I can’t sing.”

“Doesn’t matter! You’re supposed to have fun!” Sylvain places his phone on the table and effectively ends the discussion by singing along himself and otherwise wordlessly following the recipe’s instructions.

Felix is left in peace and a position to appreciate Sylvain’s singing voice without having to ruin it by singing himself. Cooking proceeds rather well, Sylvain chopping the carrot, but then he lets a slice fall to floor, just like this. He stops in his movements and looks down at what he’s done. Felix follows his gaze and asks, “You okay?”

“Uh, yes. Sorry for that.” Sylvain crouches to pick up the slice and wash it clean under running water from the sink. “Lex will eat everything from the floor so I’m just used to dropping extras.”

“You said he’s trained.”

“You met him! You know he is!”

“I admit I expected worse, and I still do.” Sylvain pushes out his bottom lip in a pout. He wordlessly continues working, not even humming along to the music he put on. “You do realize you keep digging your own grave.”

“I’m just… running my mouth…”

“What does Ingrid say?”

“To what?”

“To Lex pissing against cars and eating from the floor.”

“She says that I could’ve been stricter. But she doesn’t know he has a hold over me.” Sylvain turns to Felix, eyes wide. “Have you seen his eyes all big and innocent?”

“No.”

Sylvain sighs. “He has me under a spell.”

“And I thought you’d be the one in charge.”

“The worst thing is that Lex had a phase—still not completely over it, but at least I’ve made a lot of progress so far—in which he would push his nose under the skirts of women passing us by.”

“Saints. I don’t know what to say to that.”

Sylvain’s cheeks turn rosy. “He didn’t learn it from me.”

“I hope so. Upskirting is disgusting and if you’ve ever done it, you can go home right about,” Felix checks his microwave clock displaying _2:12 AM_ , “now.”

“Don’t worry. I’m more decent than you give me credit for.”

“Drank your respect women juice?”

Sylvain chuckles. “Not exactly, but I’m grown up and over my worst blunders.”

“You make a decent enough impression.” Sylvain beams. “Despite your failings.”

His face falls. “Man, you’re never gonna let me live anything down, are you?”

“You asked that last time, too.”

“And you didn’t reply.”

“I am at heart a forgiving man.”

Sylvain snorts. “Yeah, right. You’re a grudge gremlin.”

Felix whirls around, eyebrows and mouth drawn down. “What did you just call me?”

“Aw, pushed a button, did I?” Sylvain grins, all gleaming white teeth. “You cute little garden gnome, ready to slaughter me at night with your dull plastic shovel.”

Felix flips Sylvain off, even when he’d much rather shown him his collection of kitchen knives. He turns around and gives him the cold shoulder for now, tuning out what Sylvain says by concentrating on following the recipe and straining his ears for the music in the background.

When he deems the food ready, Felix walks past Sylvain to grab two plates from the corresponding cupboard, then carries those along with fork and spoon over to the living room. Cat is lounging on the sofa, ears pricking and one eye opening when Felix approaches her. “You wanna eat, too?” he asks her in a quiet voice.

“Aw, I didn’t know you talked to your cat!” Sylvain pipes up right behind him.

Felix whirs around, fixing Sylvain with a look so dirty Sylvain actually takes a step back, flinching. “So what? I’m lonely.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it to come out like this.” Sylvain’s smile seems to be gone for good. “I talk to Lex all the time, too. I just… didn’t expect you to be the type, too.”

“I took up the hobby only recently.”

Sylvain hums, not in agreement but in thought. He places a pasta server and a ladle for the sauce next to what Felix brought. He’s really thinking along—and Sylvain didn’t even ask where to find the stuff. “Hey, are you still mad at me?”

Felix looks up into Sylvain’s eyes, light and dark at the same time, fracturing the light into an impossible number of brown hues. “No.”

Sylvain smiles, and the corners of Felix’s mouth quirk upwards in kind. “I’m excited for dinner! I have no idea what it’s gonna taste like—”

“You mean you never cooked this before?” Felix walks back into the kitchen, Sylvain falling into step next to him. The music is off, Sylvain’s phone gone.

“Nope.”

Felix shakes his head. After dumping food in Cat’s bowl for her to find later, he clenches two trivets under his arm and picks up the pot with the sauce. “There’s no meat in it and you promised it’d taste good.”

“Too much meat is unhealthy. Also not good for the planet.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do.” Sylvain sighs and picks up the other pot. “Look, lentils are protein bombs. Your muscles will thrive on them.”

Snorting, Felix leads the way back to the living room. “If this tastes like shit, I’m gonna make you cook me something good.”

“Okay.” That was easy. Good.

“Pinky promise.” Felix lets the trivets fall to the table and sets down the pot he carried, Sylvain placing his on the other trivet. Turning, Felix holds out his pinky to Sylvain.

Sylvain curls his pinky around Felix’s and smiles. “Pinky promise.”

Felix smirks back. He quickly turns around to hide his stupid face and picks up Cat who is still chilling on the sofa. She gives him her stink eye but lets herself be placed on his lap. Sylvain sits down next to Felix and reaches for the utensils to fill Felix’s plate first. “I can do that myself.”

“I want to.” Felix watches Sylvain fill his own plate as well, then realizes he’s supposed to put on the movie they agreed on. Fumbling with the remote, he navigates through the menus until he finds _Sweeney Todd_. Sylvain nudges his side with an elbow. “Bon appétit.” Felix is unable to tell whether Sylvain’s accent is any good, but it sounds the Frenchest he’s ever heard someone from Faerghus speak. Maybe he’s just biased.

“To you, too,” he mumbles as to not make a fool of himself.

“Thank you.” Out of the corner, Felix sees Sylvain brandish a radiant smile at him. Felix turns away some more to hide his flaring cheeks. Now that he’s left his hair open, some of it hopefully obscures his face. Felix sniffs at the food as he brings it close to his face on his fork. It _smells_ all right. He is, however, not prepared for the taste that brings tears to his eyes, and not just from the spiciness. No, this tastes wonderful, textures running into each other, a hotness clinging to his mouth even after swallowing. Next to him, Sylvain makes a happy sound, then nudges Felix again. “I told you!”

“You made a lucky guess.”

“I told you!”

Felix shakes his head and lets it go, concentrating more on the taste of his decidedly delicious dinner than on the movie.

* * *

After a second and a third helping, Felix is full. Still, he can’t concentrate on the movie, because now there’s Sylvain. Sylvain’s hip back against his own, his thigh lining up with Felix’s and emitting a heat like Sylvain’s on fucking fire. Sylvain’s arm resting on the headrest of the sofa, his fingers tapping against the upholstery up there, then taking minutes to wander down to brush against Felix’s shoulder. His whole body goes rigid outside while his heart is about to explode in his chest, but in time Felix relaxes into the douchebag display. Sylvain’s fingers keep caressing Felix’s shoulder long enough to make Felix decide that this is it.

The moment he’s been waiting for.

Movie all but forgotten, Felix turns towards Sylvain. Cat folds her ears back and jumps off from Felix’s lap to seek a place where she’s less likely to be disturbed. Meanwhile, Sylvain realizes something’s up and turns his face to Felix. Swallowing, Felix reaches out towards Sylvain’s face, cupping his cheek in his hand. The first hints of stubble tickle his palm, more so when Sylvain turns his head even more from the sudden gesture to arch an eyebrow. His eyes are flicking back and forth between Felix’s eyes and his hands, asking for a clue, breath hitching when Felix gives him one by brushing a thumb over Sylvain’s lips.

Leaning forward, Felix snakes his other hand into Sylvain’s thick, soft hair, and pushes him closer until their lips brush against each other’s.

When Sylvain doesn’t respond, the fluttering in Felix’s stomach makes way for doubt weighing like lead. His resolve falters, lips quivering, hands trembling, when Sylvain presses his lips against Felix’s. The scar tickles. Sylvain wraps his arms around Felix, pulling him closer, making him scramble to readjust the way he’s sitting. Fingers raking through Sylvain’s hair, Felix parts his lips to coax Sylvain’s tongue into his mouth.

It’s wet and hot and careful, oh so careful. Sylvain kisses as if he’s afraid of breaking Felix while his fingers dig into his arms and back in a way that makes Felix think he’s holding on for dear life. His tongue is barely moving against Felix’s, yet each time it does, a shudder goes through his whole body. Felix does his part in closing the gap between himself and Sylvain even further, one leg already swinging over when the taste of salt makes Felix pull back.

Sylvain is trembling, his lips quivering, his shoulders barely suppressing the shake going through him. He opens his eyes to Felix, and they shine liquid while his lashes are sticking together with his tears. Felix lets go of Sylvain’s face to wipe away the trails his tears have left on his cheeks with his sleeve. “What’s wrong?” he asks, whispering, as to not break the magic of the moment.

“Nothing,” Sylvain croaks and laughs. His whole face is red. He rubs his eyes and sniffs. “Sorry, I didn’t want to ruin this and here I go.”

“You’re not ruining anything,” Felix says even as the uncertainty is creeping back to make home in his stomach. Trying to ignore it, he inches closer to Sylvain, settling down on his lap like he’d planned to. He modulates his voice to come out as soft as it will go. “Why are you crying?”

“Just being my sentimental self.” Sylvain lowers his gaze, eyes focusing on Felix’s doubt-filled belly. “I never kissed anyone I actually like, like _like_ -like, not like this—” He wipes at his eyes again, another burst of uncertain laughter bubbling up. “It’s overwhelming.”

Felix’s heart stutters. His whole body is turning to jelly, so he lets himself crash forward into Sylvain, burying his face between his neck and shoulder. “Before you think you’re just a stand-in or a trophy or—”

“I know I’m your crush. I’ve known for a while.” Sylvain’s arms come around and embrace Felix.

Well, Felix did try and drop hints at the end. “How long?”

“Oh, I realized it before your birthday.”

“Already?” Felix groans.

“Well, you were so obviously not talking about him with me, and the little you volunteered sounded like you were trying not to tell me it’s me? I dunno, you can talk with me about the heavy stuff but not about your crush?” One of Sylvain’s hands moves up Felix’s spine, fingertips leaving goosebumps in their wake. He reaches the nape of Felix’s neck, brushing aside his hair, and moves up a little farther to massage his scalp.

Felix relaxes into Sylvain. “How embarrassing.”

Sylvain chuckles, making Felix smile in turn. At least he’s not crying anymore, even if those were happy tears. “It made me question myself, so thanks for being obliviously obvious about it.”

Felix will ignore the mishap from Valentine’s Day, for both their sakes. Forget and forgive. “When did you know? That you liked me?”

“Uh, I’ve only been a hundred percent certain the moment I kissed you back.” Sylvain laughs nervously, his body heaving and falling in time with it. Felix wraps his arms around Sylvain and clings to him. Fuck his own display of affection right now. He deserves this. “But I started dropping hints, too, that I would not be disinclined to try this?”

“Glad I read you right or I wouldn’t have manned up.”

Sylvain chuckles. His hand travels even farther up Felix’s head to pat him. Felix squeezes his eyes shut. “What was there to misinterpret?”

“Oh, you thinking yourself safe from my advances because you made damn fucking sure I know you’re straight.” Felix’s straightens his back and sits up to look down at Sylvain again, not least of all to get Sylvain’s hand away from his head. Instead Sylvain rubs his knuckles against the side of Felix’s body, resting one hand on his hip, the other one against Felix’s back. “Fucking bisaster.”

“Mhm, punny.” The hand on Felix’s back comes around, Sylvain’s fingertips brushing against Felix’s lips. “Let’s make out.”

“Let’s clean up first or I’ll never do the dishes.”

“Bummer.” Sylvain pouts, which does make him look very kissable. Strike that, the man always looks very kissable, just more so right in this moment in which Felix is lightheaded and giddy and everything but rational. He leans forward to brush his lips against Sylvain’s, then shuffles backwards on his ass and gets up before Sylvain can hold onto him for good. Because then Felix would be unable to resist the temptation any longer.

Together, it only takes one trip to the kitchen to load everything into the dishwasher. The air is loaded, electric. “Say something,” Felix says when he can’t take the sudden silence anymore, closing the dishwasher.

“‘Something’?”

Felix rolls his eyes and walks back to the living room to turn off the TV. The movie’s not done yet but it’s not like they can, much less want, to keep watching it. “We were talking just fine ‘til now.”

“Is it awkward?”

“I don’t know.” Felix sighs. “I shouldn’t have interrupted it like this.”

“Hey.” Sylvain squeezes Felix’s shoulder. Felix looks up at the other man. “It’s just new for us. No damage done.” He walks past Felix to sit down on the sofa again and pats his thighs. “Now let’s just continue where we left off, aight?”

“Okay.” Felix climbs onto Sylvain, his knees straddling Sylvain’s thighs, then moving further up to his ass. Sylvain smiles up at Felix like he’s the world, placing his hands on Felix’s hips, leaning forward to meet Felix halfway for the kiss.

It’s different from the first one—less careful, instead bolder. Sylvain giggles against Felix’s lips. He hums while he sucks on Felix’s bottom lip and moves one hand up to cup his head when the kiss deepens. His tongue brushes lightly against Felix’s, making a shudder go through him. Felix cradles Sylvain’s face in his hands, one of them moving behind his head to pull gently on his hair while Felix takes the invitation to lean into Sylvain.

He feels Sylvain’s fingers dig into his side. Felix moves his relatively unoccupied hand from Sylvain’s cheek down, fingertips trailing his neck and collarbone before reaching his chest. The tight t-shirt he’s wearing does little to obscure the outlines of his muscles, and Felix wonders for the second time this evening how calculated Sylvain’s choice of clothing is.

Felix is the one to break the kiss, pecking Sylvain on the lips before tracing his jawline with his mouth until he reaches an ear. “I’ve always wanted to know how you’d react to this,” Felix breathes against Sylvain’s ear, making him tremble slightly. Felix swirls his tongue around Sylvain’s ear, then takes his earlobe (well, the part lacking the _flesh tunnel_ , fucking disgusting word) between his teeth to nibble on it.

“Feels good,” Sylvain says in a way that makes Felix regret he can’t watch his face right now.

Felix hums in agreement, a groany note creeping into his voice when Sylvain pulls at his hair, too, his other hand leaving his hip alone to grab his thigh non too kindly instead. Sylvain chuckles at this. Puckering his lips, Felix moves on from Sylvain’s ear to kiss his neck. Sylvain leans his head to the side, and Felix takes this to mean he’s free to use his tongue as well.

Sylvain whimpers. It’s somewhat cute in an unexpected way, and the simple thought that Felix is doing this, that he caresses Sylvain in a way he enjoys enough to let his guard down like this, makes the blood rush to Felix’s groin. He shuffles forward in a vain attempt to put some pressure against it.

Working with his tongue and teeth alongside his lips, Felix tickles out all kinds of rewarding noises from Sylvain, spanning from his whimpers to pleasure-addled hums to hitching breaths and gasps to outright groans. He’s noisy. Felix approves.

Going back to kissing him on the mouth, Felix slides his hands under the rim of Sylvain’s t-shirt. His skin feels like it’s on fire, hot, scorching, burning, and Felix is drawn to it like a moth to flame. His fingers brush against the hairs trickling from his belly button into his pants, trail Sylvain’s six pack, still perceptible even with his ‘evening flab’, as he calls it, are confronted with the cold shock that is the pendant’s locket sitting between where Felix has been obsessing over for far too long now: the tits.

Sylvain chuckles under him as Felix cups them, one in each hand, fine hairs tickling his palms. He’s ready to melt right then and there, with Sylvain’s lips curved into a smile, with his tongue a tease in Felix’s mouth, with one hand brushing aside the hair from Felix’s neck and the other wandering down to squeeze his ass.

Sylvain breaks the kiss and leans forward, breath hot against the exposed skin of Felix’s neck. “And they say I’m a boobies man.”

“You are.” Felix fondles what he holds in his hands, eliciting another chuckle from Sylvain who starts working his mouth against Felix’s neck. Felix’s breath hitches at the contact and he returns Sylvain’s favor by making similar sounds, albeit less whimpery and closer to outright groans. He shifts his weight to get some of his pants’ fabric to brush against his erection as he finds a better grip around Sylvain’s chest to circle his nipples with his thumbs until they are erect, too. Sylvain thanks Felix by grazing his neck with his teeth. “I want to take off your shirt.”

Sylvain finishes whatever he was doing to Felix’s neck with a smooch so loud it’s almost comical, then leans back, even removing his hands from Felix’s head and ass. He makes eye contact with Felix who only now realizes how flushed Sylvain is, how swollen his lips look. Utter perfection. “Go ahead.”

Felix reluctantly removes his hands from under Sylvain’s t-shirt to peel the thing up by the bottom rim. Even with Sylvain helping by leaning forward again and raising his arms, it’s a tight affair. “Did you wear this on purpose?” Felix asks, watching Sylvain’s torso appear.

“Maybe.”

Felix rolls his eyes, pulls the shirt over Sylvain’s shoulders, head, hands, and throws it somewhere behind the sofa. Sylvain’s hair is a mess now. Felix is aware of him watching his expression as he takes in what he’s only known from pictures (and one video call) so far: skin tight over muscles, hair teasing, tits big, nipples pink and inviting. And then there’s the things Felix didn’t know, at least not in this detail: the tattoo spilling over the right side of Sylvain’s chest, stray thorns on vines and petals the tiniest bit obscured by his hair. The definition of his collarbones, looking like they were made to leave a mark or two on. The way his Adam’s apple bobs when Sylvain swallows after licking his lips, a playful glint in his eyes.

“Like what you see?” Sylvain asks.

“Yes.” Felix reaches out to touch again, this time noting the way it looks as well as how it feels. “You’re… a treat.”

“Aw.” Sylvain chuckles.

Felix shuffles backwards to better reach Sylvain’s neck to kiss his way down, then move towards those delicious collarbones. Sylvain’s hands come around Felix, first to hug him, then to push up his sweater a bit to reach under it in turn. The touch makes Felix shiver and gasp when Sylvain brushes over his tummy.

“You ticklish?”

Sylvain is too damn perceptive. “No,” Felix says, then sucks at the collarbone. Sylvain’s breath hitches, hands gripping Felix by the waist, fingers digging into his exposed skin there. His hips buck. Felix smirks.

He works his way down a little more to swirl his tongue around Sylvain’s nipples. Taking one, then the other, in his mouth, Felix suckles on them in turn. The way Sylvain pants makes Felix stop actually, to shuffle closer again, to grind his hips against Sylvain’s, to take his face in his hands and kiss him.

This time, Sylvain opens his mouth right away, his tongue sliding in deeper than ever before, dancing around Felix’s. His fingers ride further up under Felix’s shirt, the kiss becoming less intense when he circles his nipples slowly enough to get close to overstimulating Felix. Felix breaks the kiss, pulling at Sylvain’s hair, shifting his weight on him again when he’s finally close enough to feel the unmistakable twitching. “You’re hard,” Felix says.

“If I’m not mistaken, so are you.”

“Yes.” Felix presses his crotch as close to Sylvain’s as he can. “I hope this isn’t that random boner you were afraid of popping.”

“Nope.” Sylvain smiles up at him. “There’s someone breathtaking sitting on my lap who’s making me very excited.”

If Felix’s face wasn’t on fire already, if his heart wasn’t pumping like he’s about to die already, if his stomach didn’t flush his whole body with this tingly feeling of rapture and euphoria already, this would be the moment. Felix returns Sylvain’s smile, takes his face in his hands and places a kiss on his lips. Sylvain hums in response and brushes his soft lips against Felix’s while his fingers return to their deft work from before.

“I’d like for you to be shirtless, too,” he whispers against Felix’s lips.

Felix swallows and leans away from Sylvain’s face. “Let me do it.”

“Aw, okay.” Sylvain’s hands slide away to rest once again against Felix’s hips.

“There’s something I didn’t tell you.” Sylvain frowns up at Felix. He can’t take the look in Sylvain’s eyes and turns his head from him. “It’s… I want you to look, to _see_ and understand, but not say anything. We can talk about it tomorrow. But not now. Okay?” Felix looks back to see confusion flash through Sylvain’s eyes which then harden with resolve.

“Okay.”

Taking the last breath before the inevitable, heart beating fast now for the wrong reasons, the fluttering in his stomach ebbing like the butterflies are dying, Felix rids himself of his sweater in one swift motion. Felix watches Sylvain watch him in turn, eyes roving up from his navel to his chest. Worrying his bottom lip, Felix turns around his arms so his wrist face upwards and nudges them into Sylvain’s field of vision.

Sylvain looks. He sees. “Oh.” He understands. Shooting a questioning expression up at Felix, he makes as if to touch.

Felix nods.

Sylvain traces the scarred lines with his fingertips, careful as though they’re fresh and still hurting. His fingers travel up Felix’s arms from his wrists and come to linger on the burnt and healed skin from where Felix pressed the odd cigarette into it. “Oh,” Sylvain says again. “Touch my upper back.”

Felix leans forward again to reach around, seeking the place Sylvain indicated. He knows what he’ll find—Sylvain’s burn scars, not self-inflicted, but from his brother’s abuse. His skin is softer in these places, lacking the usual texture, lacking the fine hairs. Just like Felix’s.

“You told me not to say anything,” Sylvain starts, and Felix is inclined to make him stop, “but I need you to know you’re still the most beautiful and enchanting man I’ve ever seen.”

“Shut up.” Felix buries his face in the crook of Sylvain’s neck, at first only to keep him from seeing Felix’s goofy grin that’s supposed to be a scowl really, because unlike Sylvain he’s no sap. But then he remembers they’re both half-naked and aroused, so he starts licking and kissing and sucking and nipping Sylvain’s neck, making the other man’s hips buck up to the sound of his whimpers and moans.

Sylvain’s hands grip Felix’s upper arms tightly, then come around to hold his head and pull once more on his hair. When Felix is satisfied with his work, he leans back to let Sylvain have a go at his chest as well, his expert mouth leaving bruises so delicious they alone will drive Felix over the edge if this goes on much longer. His fingers dig into Sylvain’s back as Sylvain sucks on his nipples, the hand in Felix’s hair trailing along his spine, fingers sliding into Felix’s waistband to touch the little Sylvain can reach this way.

“Want to move on?” Felix asks between gasps and pants.

“I’m less scared than horny.” Sylvain tilts his head up to place a kiss on Felix’s lips. “So yes.”

“What’s there to be scared about?”

“I haven’t yet had gay sex.”

“So?”

“I will probably perform lousily.”

“You can’t know that yet.” And even if, it’s not like Felix is going to care. Sylvain so far has proved he knows what he’s doing with his tongue and fingers, and Felix would be surprised if Sylvain’s experience just up and disappeared in a few minutes.

“We’ll find out.” Flushed, Sylvain laughs. “Hold on tight.”

This is all the warning Felix gets before Sylvain stands up. Felix claws his arms and hands around Sylvain’s neck and back, and wraps his legs around his waist so he won’t plummet. Sylvain steadies him with both hands on his ass, using his chance to fondle Felix some. With his head resting on Sylvain’s shoulder, Felix watches himself be carried off to the bedroom in reverse.

* * *

Sylvain sits down on the edge of Felix’s mattress. Not untangling himself from him, Felix takes Sylvain up on his ever more hungry kissing, his tongue impossibly deep in his mouth and swirling, dancing, teasing. Again, Felix is struck with how vocal Sylvain is, moaning into his mouth, his hands grabbing everywhere they can reach. Felix moves his hands from pulling at Sylvain’s hair down to the front of his groin, reaching between them to put some extra pressure against Sylvain’s hard-on. Felix’s other hand joins, and together they manage to pry Sylvain’s belt open, then work the button and zipper of his pants open as well.

Reaching a hand inside, Felix touches and grabs Sylvain’s cock through his underwear. The tip is already leaking, making Felix grin into the kiss that’s turning somewhat sloppy from Sylvain’s side. From what he can feel, Sylvain’s cock is by no means ‘enormous’, but it’s still comfortably long and thick. And hot, hotter than the rest of his body, Felix finds out when he goes one step further and slips his hand inside Sylvain’s boxer shorts as well.

Going by touch alone, Felix peels back Sylvain’s foreskin and rubs his thumb against the glans. Sylvain’s breath hitches and he breaks the kiss to run his tongue along Felix’s neck. “Can I, too?” he asks in a whisper, breath impossibly hot against Felix’s damp skin.

“You don’t have to ask.”

“I do because I’m plagued by uncertainty.” Sylvain gives a nervous laugh, but the way his hands work to open Felix’s jeans is anything but inexperienced. Sylvain slides his hands inside from the back again, cupping Felix’s ass and squeezing it before he moves his hands around on either side to reach his cock. There’s a second Sylvain hesitates before his fingers wrap around Felix’s shaft. “Can I look?”

“You know our rule: eye for an eye.” Sylvain chuckles. “Let me help you out of your clothes.”

“Please.” Sylvain obediently raises his hips and shuffles to and fro when Felix hooks his fingers into his waistband and pulls. He has to get up for this, and once Sylvain is rid of his pants, Felix peels the socks off his feet for good measure as well. On the side of his left calf, a short white line shines on Sylvain’s skin.

Felix regrets he didn’t look where he should have when Sylvain’s dick must have sprung free, so he crosses his fingers figuratively for a second time during which he’ll make sure to miss nothing. Anyway, Felix looks now, and he can’t keep from licking his lips at the sight of Sylvain’s cock, as long and thick as it felt, veiny, flushed, tip leaking clear precum. His balls are big, too, covered in short, dark red fuzz, and one of Felix’s dirty braincells wonders if he’s not pleasured himself in some time. Its twin wonders if Sylvain forwent shaving just for him. What comes out of his mouth is a single syllable: “Nice.”

Sylvain snorts. “Now, you. I’m curious.”

Felix hates shows and yet he puts a small one on for Sylvain who’s propped up on his elbows, lying in Felix’s bed, the tip of his cock brushing his belly. It’s just like in Felix’s fantasies, only better, because this time it’s real. A mad giggle escapes his lips, one Sylvain joins in, teeth flashing, eyes crinkling and twinkling. Felix takes off his socks first, then slides his jeans off. He kicks away his pants, then snakes his fingers into the waistband of his boxers. “Last chance to back out.”

“I’m not the quitter here!” Sylvain’s eyes are on Felix when he speaks, but as soon as he’s done, his gaze drops back to Felix’s crotch.

“Uh-huh.” Felix removes his last article of clothing, sad and glad at once that his cock doesn’t strain against the fabric anymore. Sylvain’s eyebrows shoot up, his pupils dilate, his incisors bite into his bottom lip. Beautiful. Delicious. Gorgeous.

“I never thought I’d find myself admiring cock,” Sylvain says. He sounds close to hysterical, and Felix hopes it’s euphoria speaking and not insanity leaking through.

Felix walks over to Sylvain, dropping to his knees in front of the mattress. Sylvain swallows thickly when Felix’s fingertips brush against his inner thighs up to his crotch. Then Felix grasps Sylvain’s shaft with one hand and cups his balls with the other. “Whisper some sweet nothings in my ear.”

Sylvain sits up straight, his hands combing Felix’s hair away from his face. A barely suppressed moan escapes him when Felix touches his tongue to the tip of Sylvain’s cock. “I don’t remember how many times I’ve told you you’re beautiful,” Sylvain whispers, not in Felix’s ear, but that’s anatomically understandable right now. “The most beautiful man.” Felix rewards Sylvain by taking the whole tip into his mouth, his tongue pressing against the frenulum. Sylvain exhales loudly, a faint, deep hum low in his throat. His hands rake through Felix’s hair again, holding it away from his face now, tugging lightly on it. “You’re the only one I can see myself doing this with, and I don’t know if that’s because I will never see a man more mesmerizing or because you stole my heart and ran with it.” Sylvain groans, deep and low and sexy, when Felix lowers his head onto Sylvain’s cock, tongue working in earnest now. One hand slowly strokes Sylvain to his rhythm, the other caresses his balls. “Probably both.”

If Sylvain planned to say more, he doesn’t get to since his higher brain functions seem to have shut off for good. Apart from guttural moans and pants and the occasional, “yes, right there,” he doesn’t do anything more but stroke Felix’s hair. His hips eventually buck up. Felix makes a displeased noise and stops blowing Sylvain, fingers digging into his thighs as he stands up.

“Sorry,” Sylvain says, his eyes flicking from his cock up to Felix. A slow smile spreads over his face. “This was amazing.”

Felix wipes his mouth with the back of a hand. “Want to make me feel that way, too?”

Sylvain’s cheeks flare up despite them having been red before already. “I can try. No promises, though.” He pats the space next to him and Felix walks over to sit down there. “It’s my first time.”

“I know and I adjusted my expectations accordingly.”

Sylvain laughs. “Thanks, I guess.” He gingerly reaches out to Felix’s cock, fingers brushing over his shaft before they wrap around it. Sylvain moves the hand down an excruciatingly slow-passing inch, then back up.

“You can put some more pressure on it, you know.” Sylvain’s eyes meet Felix’s with a sheepish smile. “Just think of what you like yourself and work from that.”

Sylvain’s eyes drop back to look at Felix’s cock. He ups the pressure as well as the speed. That’s a start. “I’m getting the feeling I’m thinking about this all wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Felix asks, relaxing back into the mattress, lazily watching what Sylvain does to him.

“For starters, trying to find the differences instead of the similarities. And I forget that we might like the same things.” Sylvain laughs, stopping his motions to shuffle around on the mattress. His pendant pools on it. “Promise me not to make fun of me.”

“I won’t. I’m living a dream right now, dumbass.”

Sylvain smiles up at him, hand again grasping Felix’s shaft. He leans down, breathing against the tip of Felix’s cock long enough to make Felix consider saying something, but then Sylvain takes that final leap of faith and licks at it.

Damn. Felix knew what to expect and yet he didn’t because apparently he’s never been this obsessed with one of his partners, never been in love this much even though he thought he’d been, or maybe it’s just been too fucking long and he forgot how much romantic feelings spice up sex for him. Groaning, he pushes himself up to drag and pull at Sylvain’s hair. “Take it in your mouth. No teeth.”

Sylvain hums in agreement. He contemplates Felix’s member and what he’s about to do a moment longer, his dark lashes giving him an ethereal look from Felix’s perspective. Then Sylvain opens his mouth some more. He takes the utmost caution to keep his teeth from touching, resulting in this exercise taking forever. And Sylvain doesn’t even fit Felix’s cock in that deep. Still, it feels utterly amazing. Even more so with Sylvain looking up at Felix, eyes big, lips wrapped around his cock.

“Use your tongue.”

Sylvain heeds the instruction like a good boy. Or at least, he’s willing to try. It’s obvious to Felix that Sylvain has never done this before, has no clue how to move his tongue in this position, how to really do anything with it right now. There’s no panic in his eyes, only simple incomprehension at his own lack of skill.

“You can move your head. Up, down.”

Sylvain hums against Felix’s cock and puts his words to practice. This feels even better than amazing. Sinking back down into his mattress, Felix lets go of Sylvain’s hair and closes his eyes to enjoy this moment. His fingers dig into the bedsheet, and the sounds that he utters grow ever more strained and animalistic. Eventually, Felix has to heave, “Stop.”

“Everything okay?” Sylvain asks, crawling up to Felix and lying down next to him.

“I just don’t want to come in your mouth.” Sylvain pouts. “STDs and all that.”

“…Are you telling me _now_ that you have hepatitis or—”

“As far as I know I’m healthy.” Felix turns to Sylvain and shuffles closer to him. “Let’s play it safe for now anyway.” He places a kiss on Sylvain’s lips that leaves him only with the option to hum in assent.

Sylvain soon suckles on Felix’s bottom lip who opens his mouth to meet Sylvain’s tongue, shuffling closer to him. Sylvain wraps a leg around Felix’s, bringing them even closer together. It’s Felix who reaches out first to stroke Sylvain’s cock slowly, making him whimper into his mouth. When Sylvain grasps Felix’s cock in turn, Felix can’t help but smile into the kiss.

Listening to the rather high-pitched, badly suppressed noises Sylvain makes, and no doubt joining with his own more guttural huffs and groans, Felix comes over Sylvain’s hands and the bedsheets. Shortly after, Sylvain’s breath hitches and his cock twitches in Felix’s hand as it unloads messily, some of the droplets even reaching Felix’s belly. It’s not funny at all and yet Felix can’t help but laugh. Sylvain joins him.

“Look at the mess we made,” Felix says once he’s calmed down.

Sylvain looks, still giggling, and bursts out in laughter again, which in turn infects Felix. He only changed the sheets this afternoon so Sylvain would have nothing to complain about, and now they sullied it. Breath still heaving, Sylvain says, “I’ll help you clean this up.”

“I have tissues on the nightstand. For rudimentary body cleaning.”

Sylvain turns over, his clean hand patting the nightstand until he finds the box of tissues. Pulling several out, he wipes the cum off his other hand and dick, then cleans Felix. The tissue on his tummy makes him inhale sharply and bite his lip. “Right. You’re ticklish.”

“I’m not.”

Sylvain smirks at him. “I’ll exploit this another time.” He finishes wiping Felix and, groaning, pushes himself up.

“Asshole.”

“Curse me all you like. I’m happy.” Sylvain sticks his tongue out at Felix and gets up. Felix reluctantly climbs out of bed at as well, slips into his boxers, and changes the linen for the second time this day. Afterwards he finds Sylvain in the bathroom, still naked as the day he was born (except for his pendant and the tunnels in his ears), washing his face, his toothbrush in his mouth. It’s now that Felix gets a good view of his back for the first time. Sylvain’s tattoo artist did a superb job with the rose petals covering up the burn scars, because Felix wouldn’t be able to tell just from view.

“I’m happy, too,” Felix offers and proceeds to brush his teeth as well. Sylvain squeezes his shoulder, his hand cold and wet from the water. Thanks, fucker. “Wanna call it a day?” Felix asks, mouth full with toothpaste.

Sylvain blinks at him through the mirror, then rinses his mouth and nods his head. “Yes, I’m tired.” His hand clasps the back of his neck and a sheepish smile crosses his features. “You up for cuddling?”

“You gonna go commando?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“I don’t.” Felix spits the toothpaste out and rinses his mouth as well. “Let me piss in peace first.”

Sylvain laughs. “Yes.”

He’s waiting for Felix on Cat’s side of the bed, huddled under the blanket, when Felix returns. A big smile lights up Sylvain’s face, cheeks flushing, eyes twinkling. After turning off the lights and dropping his head to hide his own smile behind his hair, Felix climbs into bed next to Sylvain, making a point of turning his back to him. “You can cuddle up if you like.”

Sylvain doesn’t need to be told twice. In an instant, he lines himself up behind Felix, pulling him against his chest. “Sleep well,” Sylvain whispers.

“You, too.” Felix’s hands find Sylvain’s against his chest and squeeze them. He can’t believe what has just transpired, and it keeps Felix up longer than he’d like to. Sylvain nods off fast, his breath evening and eventually lulling Felix to sleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this fic is at this point not a slow burn anymore, rest assured I have a ton of Sylvix content still planned for it. Expect lots of cheesy dates and the likes! <3


	26. Day 59

Sylvain sleeps like the dead. His arms are slung around Felix every time he wakes up, he doesn’t open his eyes, doesn’t so much as utter a sound of protest every time Felix gets up to piss. He’s a nervous wreck and he craves a smoke he doesn’t grant himself, not in the middle of the night, not when Sylvain’s right there, naked, willing to press up against him and hug it all better.

When sunlight streams in through the blinds, Felix deems it late enough to disentangle himself from Sylvain, this time for good. He eagerly rushes outside for the smoke he denied himself all night, freezing his exposed arms and legs and feet off. Peeking into the bedroom, Felix finds Sylvain still asleep, now lying on his back, Cat having made a pillow out of his tits. Seiros. Felix wishes she’d trade places. Instead, he grabs a fresh change of clothes and ushers himself under the shower to heat up.

Sylvain is _still_ sleeping when Felix peeks his head in again once he’s showered and shaved and decent. This means Felix gets to enjoy his morning coffee in peace. He checks his phone for messages. Of course there are none, because why the fuck should Sylvain text him? So he checks his laptop for mails and, even though Felix told himself to stay the fuck away from work over his weekends, it’s an iffy affair at best, and as long as Sylvain is sleeping, Felix can make a little good on the time he lost yesterday by leaving early.

When Sylvain still hasn’t joined him at 11, Felix heaves a sigh and checks if he’s really sleeping and not actually dead. That would suck. Big time.

Against Felix’s expectations, he finds Sylvain sitting up when he checks in on him again, the blanket pooled in his lap, Cat rolled up on top of it and purring. Leaning against the doorframe Felix says, “Look who’s finally up. Sleeping Beauty.”

Sylvain looks up, his eyes warm, a smile spreading over his features. His hair is its usual mess, and curse Sylvain for having sexy bed hair. His stubble’s grown in nicely overnight. “This means you should’ve kissed me awake.” Cat’s ears perk and she opens an eye lazily.

“How’d you sleep?”

“Good. Really, really good.” Sylvain’s smile turns up a notch to rival the sun. “You?”

“I was nervous. It was okay.”

Sylvain’s face falls. “Oh.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Felix shifts his weight. His open hair moves against his neck, tickling. “I wanted to ask what you want for breakfast.”

“Tea, if you have it.”

“I have your favorite blend.”

“Aw.” Sylvain smiles toothily. “What else do you have?”

“I’m willing to buy something quickly while you get ready in the meantime.”

Sylvain raises an eyebrow. “You trust me this much?”

“I’ve no reason not to.”

“Then I’d like some croissants. With jam.” Sylvain pats the space next to him. “Also, I’m still waiting for my good morning kiss.”

“You woke up fine without it,” Felix says even as he pushes himself away from the doorframe and walks over to Sylvain. He sits down where Sylvain indicated, reaches out to cradle his face, the stubble scratchy and tickling at the same time. Sylvain’s all smiles and sunshine, one hand burying itself in Felix’s hair, the other pushing him toward him on his upper back.

At first their lips only brush against each other’s, then Felix puts more pressure into it. Sylvain’s tongue laps against Felix’s bottom lip, impossibly hot. He opens his mouth to meet Sylvain’s tongue with his own, only the tips touching. It’s enough to send a jolt of wanton need through him. Felix’s breath hitches. He moans. Sylvain chuckles into the kiss, his tongue slowly circling Felix’s.

To keep his sanity, Felix pulls back. “I’ll be back in half an hour,” he says. Sylvain squeezes his shoulder before he can get up, but lets go readily enough when Felix strains against his hands. “Get dressed.”

“At your service!”

Reluctantly, Felix leaves him (and Cat) be. He grabs his wallet and keys, yanks on a jacket and a pair of shoes, and exits his condo to buy Sylvain what he wants. He goes for the jam first, selecting something not too sweet sounding in case Felix will end up stuck with the rest of it. The croissants he gets fresh from the baker, still steaming hot.

Cat is the first to greet him when Felix unlocks the door to his condo. She winds herself around his legs, purring like crazy. “Gimme a sec,” Felix says, getting down on one knee to rid himself of his shoes. He hangs his jacket onto the rack, then scoops his grocery bag up and afterwards Cat as well. Carrying both of them into the kitchen, he finds Sylvain, now dressed in these unfair tight jeans again along with a fresh t-shirt. A towel—looking suspiciously like one from Felix’s collection—wrapped around his shoulders soaks up the stray droplets from his freshly washed hair. Sylvain preps his tea, humming under his breath. Holding Cat close to his chest, Felix says, “I’m back.”

Sylvain whirls around, a big smile plastered to his clean-shaven face. His eyes light up at the sight. “See? I got ready.”

“I noticed.” Cat starts wriggling in his arms, so Felix places her on the floor. She runs up to Sylvain and rubs herself against his legs for good measure as well. “I got you what you wanted.”

“Thank you.”

“You haven’t even seen it yet.” Felix walks up to Sylvain, placing the bag of groceries in front of himself and unloading everything he bought, including Sylvain’s requests. Sylvain rests one hand on the small of Felix’s back. It’s an insignificant gesture and yet has Felix fighting for his sanity. “Here.” At least his voice is steady.

“Ah, they smell great!” Sylvain opens the cupboard to grab two plates with an easy familiarity as if he’s been the one living here for a few years now. “Sorry I didn’t get to set the table in the meantime. I’m slow in the mornings.”

“I noticed.”

“You said that just now.”

“Well, I’m observant. Sometimes.” Sylvain laughs and leaves it at that. He continues setting the table while Felix packs his groceries away for the most part, only leaving what Sylvain ordered as well as what Felix would like himself.

“Tea, too, or coffee again?” Sylvain asks, hovering where Felix left his used mug on the kitchen table.

“Coffee.” Felix snatches his mug before Sylvain can, their fingers brushing. A tingle spreads from Felix’s hand over his whole body. He keeps his back turned as he listens to the coffee maker’s usual ruckus. Which is why he doesn’t hear Sylvain approach, and why his heart skips a beat when Sylvain’s arms wrap around him from behind. If he says anything, Felix doesn’t catch it. Sylvain’s breath is hot against the back of his head.

The coffee maker’s done.

“Why are you freezing up?” Sylvain asks in a whisper. He surely must feel Felix’s erratic heartbeat.

“I’m not used to people hugging me from behind.” Felix picks up his steaming mug. “They’d usually end up with an elbow or a knee where it hurts.”

“But you like me, too.” Sylvain’s head dips. He removes his arms to brush away Felix’s hair and place a kiss on the nape of his neck, making Felix’s breath hitch. “I’m privileged.”

“You are.”

Sylvain tilts his head to whisper in Felix’s ear. “Boyfriend privileged?” His hot breath makes Felix shudder. His words make him melt. The two actions cancel each other out, and Felix keeps standing, seemingly impassive.

“If you feel like it.” Felix disentangles himself from Sylvain and rushes over to what Sylvain deemed Felix’s place at the table. Sylvain sits down across from him. He rests his chin on one hand, smiling serenely at Felix. Felix blows over the hot coffee and takes a small sip. “If I didn’t know any better, this would have been the moment it clicked you’re helplessly in love.”

“Don’t make it sound like it’s a bad thing!” Sylvain grabs one of the croissants to cut it open.

“I’m not. Just awed.”

“Oh, so am I.” Sylvain chuckles. “But I’m also the happiest I’ve been in _years_ , so I’m not gonna complain.”

A smile tugs at the corners of Felix’s mouth. Time to ruin the moment. “We should talk.”

“What about?”

Felix inclines his head to his arms. Sylvain’s eyes follow the movement. The smile vanishes from his face and so does Felix’s. “You’ve opened up to me so much and all I’ve given you in return are one-word explanations.”

The glass of jam in Sylvain’s hands gives a loud click when it opens. Felix’s thoughts should be elsewhere yet he can’t help but notice how Sylvain’s arms bulged when he worked on the lid, not even giving the glass the obligatory clap on the ass-end. “I fear this is going to ruin both our appetites.”

“I—” Felix’s gaze drops to the pre-sliced piece of bread he placed on his plate. “I never have much of one anyway. And I want to get this out of the way. If that’s all right.”

“Let me get one bite in first.” Sylvain spreads the jam over the butter he already lathered his sliced-open croissant in. Felix watches him silently. He’d hate it if Sylvain stared at him like this while he was eating, but Sylvain doesn’t seem to care. He swallows, chases his generous bite with his tea, then forces a smile. “It tastes great.”

“Eat up. I don’t want to spoil the experience for you.”

“This is awkward.” Sylvain frowns. “I want this out of the way, too.”

“Just eat.” Felix smears liver paste over his slice of bread. It tastes stale, but he knows it’s his mood ruining it for him. As long as Sylvain can enjoy his breakfast somewhat, that’s fine with him.

To his credit, Sylvain stays quiet. Felix can feel his eyes on him all the way through, as he forces a second and a third slice down as well. He makes himself a third coffee afterwards, cranking up the dial regulating the bean-to-water ratio to make it as strong as it’ll get.

Sylvain pours himself another cup of tea in the meantime. So they spend the noon hours blending into the afternoon: Sitting at the kitchen table, an awkward silence spreading between them, Felix avoiding Sylvain’s heavy gaze. Sylvain eventually deems them done, his foot seeking Felix’s under the table. Felix looks up and Sylvain smiles carefully at him. There’s a glint in his eyes. “Let’s move somewhere more comfortable.” He drapes the towel over his chair.

“After we tidied this up.” Felix gets up to do just that. Sylvain joins him, humming softly under his breath as he loads the dishwasher. Then he follows Felix out of the kitchen to the sofa where Felix slumps in next to Cat. He pulls her into his arms.

“Come here.” Sylvain is sitting next to him, his hands patting his legs. Felix crawls over, Cat still pressed to his chest, and lets himself be held by Sylvain in turn. Sylvain’s hands stroke his hair and back while Cat purrs softly from the attention. She likes being sandwiched, apparently.

“Say something,” Felix croaks. Man. His mood’s in the gutter, and he can’t even feign doing all right. He’s a mess when he should be happy.

Sylvain hums, hopefully musing on his next words. “What I told you yesterday I didn’t just say in the heat of the moment or to make you feel better, but because it’s true. You’re beautiful no matter what.” Felix squeezes his eyes shut to keep from weeping. This isn’t what he expected Sylvain to start with, and hearing these words, realizing that to Sylvain they aren’t simply ‘sweet nothings’, elevates the gravity of his words a thousandfold. “You pulled me in with your personality—you should know that. I couldn’t stop talking to you. I _can’t_. Because it’s so much fun and you made me learn and realize a lot about myself, too. You listen to me when I need someone, and even when you don’t have advice, you always lend an ear. You’re fine with me rambling and crying at you.” Sylvain lowers his voice. “This means so much to me. You’ve been a friend from the very beginning, even if you started out prickly and were only humoring me in your own self-interest.”

“Don’t make me cry.” Felix’s voice is already shaking.

“I’m not finished yet.” Sylvain chuckles. Felix buries his face in his shoulder. “You’re honest. Maybe not opening up easily, but I don’t have the feeling you’re feeding me more than white lies, which is fine.” Sylvain’s arms tighten around Felix when he shudders. “I mean, look at me! Wrapped into so many layers of deceit I ignored part of what’s really me.”

Felix smiles against Sylvain’s shoulder and listens to the steady heartbeat originating from Sylvain’s chest.

“You’re not just honest, you’re shrewd,” Sylvain continues.

“No, you are.”

Sylvain laughs, his chest pressing against Felix’s face with every rise. “Perhaps this is why we get along well? I don’t know. I just admire you. You’re harsh. You’re brave in a way I’m not. Talking and charming people is easy for me, but feeling okay with who I really am and using this to forge any sort of bond or relationship is incredibly hard. And you? You’re just yourself.”

The hand on Felix’s back moves up and down, Sylvain’s fingertips tickling against Felix’s spine. He relaxes against Sylvain, eyes no longer squeezed shut but closed as if dozing. It’s crazy how words alone can pull him out of today’s slump. Cat wriggles free and Felix lets her go, wrapping his arms around Sylvain instead.

“And then there’s your physical beauty, too,” Sylvain goes on, voice dropping. “The first pictures of you, I thought you damn pretty for a man. You have it all: that long, shiny, soft hair,” Sylvain fingers comb through it, “and sharp features but fine-boned? I don’t know.” Sylvain laughs. “I like it. A cute nose.”

“I’m not cute.”

“That was one of the first things you wanted me to believe about you, remember? That you’re not cute.”

“No.”

Sylvain laughs again. “I do. And I was right not to take you by your word because you are, in your way.”

Felix _hmpf_ s against Sylvain’s chest, turning his face so a cheek rests against it. So does his ear. Listening to Sylvain’s heart is comforting.

“I like your eyes, how they shine. I like that you’re smaller than me. I like the way you sound and smell and taste. I like your laugh so much that I have to hold back from tickling you.”

“You better.”

“For now.” Sylvain sighs in contentment. “I like the way you feel against me. Your fingers, deft and lithe and graceful. Your tongue. The way you pronounce words. The way you kiss. All the other things you do with it.” Sylvain pulls his legs up, cushioning Felix between these and his chest. “I loved last night, do you know?”

“You did?” All things considered, it should’ve been clear. Sylvain’s too affectionate to call this a one-off arrangement in hindsight. Hell, he wants them to be boyfriends! This should’ve tipped Felix off. Yet he can’t fathom the way he kissed really lived up to Sylvain’s expectations, can’t fathom his out-of-practice blowjob could ever compare to some Sylvain must have received before, can’t fathom his silent reluctance at going further than they did won him any points. “I thought you’d like it rougher. Be wilder.”

“Oh, you’re not wrong. It was different though?” Sylvain hums while thinking. “I’ve never felt so much during sex. Last night was beautiful. Overwhelming.” His arms tighten around Felix. “If you tried anything more I would’ve come in two seconds, tops.” Sylvain chuckles. “I think I finally understand the difference between getting laid and making love.”

Felix smiles. “Good.”

“Mhm. I’m glad. Thank you.” Sylvain disentangles Felix from himself to place a kiss on his forehead. “I’m seeing the world through new eyes now.”

“Don’t be so sappy.”

“At least you’re feeling better now.”

“I am.” Felix sighs. “But we haven’t talked about my arms yet.”

“We don’t have to. I know those are scars from cutting.”

“Sometimes I still feel the urge.”

“Do you act on it?”

“I try not to, but… yes, regrettably.” Sylvain doesn’t say anything, only tightens his hold on Felix once more. “I get overwhelmed. Some days just hit worse, especially the anniversary of my brother’s death. Basically every time I think too closely about what happened. But really, I’ve been triggered by less consequential events. It’s like… I’m not myself then. I lose control and this feels so good for the few seconds it relieves me.” Felix inhales sharply. “And you know what? I hate it. I hate it so much. I’m ashamed of what I did and do to my body.” He clears his throat. His voice cracks. “Thank you for, you know, not staring.”

“Of course.” One of Sylvain’s hands moves over Felix’s hair. “You’re no less beautiful. A tiny bit marred, yes, but I have my scars, too.”

“Yours are interesting and alluring. Mine are ugly and gross.”

Sylvain laughs. “I think mine are even worse. They’re the result of petty, misguided jealousy. Yours show you’re a fighter and coming out on top.”

“I’m not really—”

“You’re still here, and this is all that counts.”

Felix deflates. Sylvain lets him slouch away from him. Lying on his back, his butt still on Sylvain’s belly, Felix looks up at him. “I still don’t get what you see in me.”

“Maybe you will in time.” Sylvain shrugs with one shoulder. “If you give me the chance.”

“Sap.” Felix holds out his pinky.

“What’s this for?” Sylvain asks even as he reaches out to curl his pinky around Felix’s.

“The boyfriend label.” Sylvain chuckles. “I don’t exactly hate you.” The chuckle turns into full-blown laughter. Felix smiles along. “Want to seal it with a kiss, too?”

“What kinda nonsense question is that?” Sylvain leans down, and Felix pushes himself up on his elbows to meet his lips halfway.

“Thank you for dealing with me just now.” Felix lets himself fall back onto the sofa. “I’m moody.”

“Maybe you should look into therapy along with your swordsmanship lessons.”

Felix searches Sylvain’s eyes, sees their depth and warmth and simple concern for his well-being. And really, this is what Felix needs and has denied himself for too long, even if his first try at it sucked. Maybe it was too soon, too fast, with him lacking the people to fall back on, to support him, to help him make progress outside of therapy. Maybe he needed to grow the fuck up. Whatever. He’s his own luck’s architect. “I will.”

* * *

The up is that it doesn’t rain. The down is that it’s windy as fuck. Felix pulls up his muffler—the one Sylvain slung around his neck today, because Sylvain went from touchy-feely to touchy-feely supreme. Sylvain’s hands are warm enough to cook on, so Felix is glad he didn’t pull on gloves. Also, he gets to bask in the feeling of Sylvain’s fingers linked with his this way, all the nerve endings on his palm and fingers tingling with oversaturation.

Felix’s heart feels extra big today, extra strong, pumping the flutters through his whole body, and yet it feels like it’s ready to give out any second. Sylvain seems unperturbed. A smile covers his face and his cheeks are rosy. His eyes twinkle when he catches sight of Felix watching him.

They decided to stroll through town because Felix isn’t up to working out together with Sylvain just yet, will probably take some time until he feels comfortable with this other kind of intimacy, but he’s fine with burning calories the slow way: walking all over the place the whole damn day. Perhaps Felix will spot Ashe or Caspar or, worse, Dimitri out of the corner of his eyes and has to make a mad dash somewhere else, pulling Sylvain along with him. It would be fun. A chuckle rises to his throat.

“You happy?” Sylvain asks, squeezing Felix’s hand.

“I imagined how I’d run away from my boss if I spotted him.”

Sylvain gives an uncertain laugh. “Why would you run away?”

“Because he’s worried about me and I’m not in the mood.” Felix tightens his fingers around Sylvain’s hand. “In my head I was dragging you along.”

“My legs are longer.” Sylvain leans towards Felix. “You think you can outpace me?”

“I’m fast.”

“Bring it on.”

Felix smirks. Without giving Sylvain more warning than gripping his hand as tightly as he dares, he sprints off. His heart pumps loudly in his ears as the adrenaline builds. Sylvain stumbles after him, shouting something Felix can’t make out over his pulse. And anyway, he has to use up his concentration to wind through the masses of other people milling and filling the promenades of Fhirdiad. His stamina isn’t back to what it used to be once, but he’s getting there. Pumping his legs for all it’s worth, Felix leads Sylvain through some smaller backstreets, a new idea forming in the recesses of his mind.

Eventually Felix has to let go of Sylvain to hold his aching sides. His chest is straining his clothes every time he inhales, and his jaw hurts for some unfathomable reason. Felix can feel more teeth than he actually possesses. Sylvain is fairing a little better, but out of the corner of his vision hazed in red, Felix spots him wiping his brow. He’s breathing heavily, too, albeit not gasping for breath like a drowning man like Felix’s unsexy display.

“You’re right, you’re fast,” Sylvain presses out, flashing Felix a grin and wiping his hands down the front side of his thighs. Felix sits down on some nearby steps, soiling his ass on a stranger’s doorstep. Sylvain looks over to him, that grin still plastered on his face. Felix grins back. “Knocked yourself out?”

“Almost.” Felix chuckles. “I’m out of shape.”

“I can carry you.” Sylvain motions, his hands close to his lower back. “Piggy back.”

“You just want to grab my ass.”

“I wouldn’t be disinclined.”

Felix shakes his head, the grin still stretching his lips. “I don’t even have much of one.”

“You aspire to be a sword fighter so I guess you’ll fill out in time.” Sylvain’s cheeks are already flushed from the exertion but they color in some more. “I know you’re negative about your body but I wouldn’t have questioned myself and even gotten intimate with you if I thought you anything less than absolutely irresistible.”

“You didn’t deny—”

“Your ass is fine.”

Felix snorts. “Have you looked at _yours_?”

“What fun is there in it?” Sylvain holds out a hand. Felix takes it and lets himself be pulled to his feet. “I’d have to bend my back and neck weird to look at it live anyway.”

“But you—”

“I like big butts and I cannot lie,” Sylvain whispers in a sing-song voice. “But I like yours, too. It’s cute.”

“For the last time, Sylvain, I’m not cute.”

“Noted.” Sylvain’s hand tugs at Felix again and he pulls him into a hug. Felix gives him a minute of doubt before his arms come around to press Sylvain against himself. He hears Sylvain’s chuckle rumbling deep in his chest, feels it against his body. Standing up on his tiptoes, Felix rests his chin on Sylvain’s shoulder. He forwent a scarf of any kind, so Felix gets to breathe in his scent from his hair and neck. It’s a funny thing, because usually Felix isn’t all too fond of cinnamon and dried fruit but Sylvain makes it attractive to a point where Felix would fondly eat something that tasted half as good as Sylvain smelled, if only the fragrance was right. The thought makes him chuckle as well. Sylvain tightens his hold on Felix, even threatens to lift him up a centimeter, but much to Felix’s relief, he stays grounded. Sylvain dips his head and nuzzles his face against Felix’s. “I could stay like this for the rest of my life,” he whispers.

“Not me because my toes hurt,” Felix whispers back.

“Oops.” Sylvain bends his knees. The heels of Felix’s shoes click against the asphalt as they make contact.

Felix’s arms slacken. When he pulls his them back around, he takes Sylvain’s face in his hands. Sylvain smiles with the biggest puppy eyes Felix has ever seen on a grown-ass man. Running a thumb over his soft lips makes Sylvain press them against it. Back on his tiptoes, Felix kisses Sylvain for real.

Sylvain’s arms tighten once more around him. He makes a high-pitched sound in the back of his throat, spurning Felix’s desire. He flicks his tongue at Sylvain’s as a promise for later, for more to come, then pulls back. The ground under his heels feels nice as well.

“I wanted to show you something,” Felix says.

“Oh?” Sylvain lets go of Felix to trail a finger down the front of his jacket, coming to a rest against his belt buckle.

“Not this.”

“Oh…”

“Later.” Felix swats Sylvain’s hand away (because of fucking course this horndog can’t pull it away by himself), then takes it to link his fingers with Sylvain’s. “One more block and there’s a little surprise waiting for you.”

“A surprise?”

“Nothing I planned but I think you’ll like it.”

“Now you got me curious.” As he falls into step beside him Sylvain squeezes Felix’s hand.

Felix squeezes back. “Good.” They ended up in the backstreets, a narrow path leading to a small parking lot in which most of the spaces are occupied. Felix leads Sylvain around the place, stepping through an opened gate for locking the parking lot and coming to a halt in front of the building the parking lot belongs to. He nods his head up at the music store—selling everything from sheet music anthologies to instruments and the equipment needed, with the generous offer to try them out if you’d like to.

“Oh, I know this place!” Sylvain says. He’s excited enough to let go of Felix’s hand and pull him into a quick but fierce hug. “You’re thoughtful,” he whispers, steps back, and ruffles Felix’s hair.

Felix checks if his hairtie is still in place. It is. “I’m trying.”

“Successfully.” Sylvain flashes him one of these irresistible grins of his, then fetches Felix’s hand again and enters the store together with him.

Felix has never been in here before. The entrance is vast, a pavilion on its own, really. Rows upon rows of acoustic guitars greet everyone who steps inside, most of them wooden tones, some of them polished black or white or varnished to a red glint. Most of them hang on the walls with only a select few leaning into guitar stands on the ground. On one wall, the guitars make place for mandolins and ukuleles, and other stringed guitar-esque instruments Felix can’t name. Shelves on the sides house everything ranging from guitar straps to effect pedals to picks.

Felix would’ve stared in awe were it not for Sylvain pulling him farther inside. Several pianos, first the more rectangular ones, then the grand piano variants, fill up the second half of the store’s ground floor. In front of each one, a piano bench sits as if waiting for someone to sit down and play a few notes. That would be nice.

“Say, what are the pedals for?” is what Felix asks Sylvain instead.

“Hm?”

“On the pianos. I never noticed them before.” Which is true. He only ever looked at the keys and a mad part of him wants to count them even though another mad part of him keeps yelling the number _88_ in his mind.

“Oh. They modify what the piano sounds like. Most people only ever use the left one, I guess? It lifts the dampers on all the strings to have them vibrate even after you release the key. So they keep ringing for as long as they naturally would instead of the sound being cut short.” Without further prompting, Sylvain lets go of Felix’s hand to sit down in front of one of the grand pianos. “These are great because you can look inside.” Sylvain grins at the uncertain expression Felix must be shooting him. “C’mon. Do it.”

“Okay.” Felix crosses his arms as he peeks inside.

“Sustain pedal off is like this.” Sylvain plays a short melody, nothing elaborate, and yet Felix is somewhat pissed he doesn’t see his fingers at work and instead has to watch the dampers lift and fall in accordance with the notes played. His heart thumps against his chest anyway. “And pressed down is like this.” Sylvain plays the same melody and it sounds completely different all the same. The dampers stay up the whole time, until Sylvain lets go again. “I hope you noticed the difference.”

Felix lifts his head to look at Sylvain. “Oh, yes.”

“Now the trick is to use it in moderation because everything’s going to sound mushy otherwise.”

“Okay.” Felix walks over to Sylvain. “I’m not here for an impromptu piano lesson.”

Sylvain chuckles and gets up again. “You shouldn’t start with pedals anyway.”

“And the other pedals?”

“The middle one is similar to the right one but it sustains select notes. And the left one makes the piano sound softer because the hammers hit two strings instead of three.”

“Okay.”

“It’s all pretty technical.” Sylvain clasps the back of his neck.

“I just never noticed there were pedals to begin with.”

“Yeah, you said.” Sylvain nods to a pair of stairs, one leading up onto an elevated area, the other down into the store’s basement. “Where to next?”

“Your pick.”

Sylvain chuckles. He grabs Felix’s hand and links their fingers. “Downstairs first then.”

They descend the carpeted steps. Down here they encounter every garage band’s wet dream: electric guitars and bass guitars line the walls similarly to their acoustic relatives upstairs. There are complete drum sets along with select extra drums and other percussion parts to add to your own, Felix guesses. There are also keyboards.

And equipment. Amps, cables, things Felix can’t even name. But that’s fine as long as Sylvain’s eyes light up as they explore the space together. There’s a wide door to pass through after which there are other stringed instruments, like violins and… bigger violins? Felix never cared much for these types of instruments yet Sylvain can’t help grinning like a kid who’s just won free ice cream or whatever. It lights Felix’s face up as well.

“Can I ask something?”

Sylvain turns his head towards Felix. “Anytime.”

“Can you even play all these instruments?”

Sylvain laughs. “No! I hope you didn’t really think that.”

“I… never know.”

“Everything you can pluck is fine. Guitar. Bass. Drums are fine. Piano. And flutes. That’s it.”

“Can you play me something on the flute? I haven’t heard you do yet.”

“Sure.” Backtracking up the stairs and ascending the other flight onto the top floor, Sylvain leads Felix to the wind instruments. Felix doesn’t even get the distinction between brass and woodwind instruments much less tell apart clarinets from oboes. They look the fucking same to him. At least he knows what a flute is, he thinks with a misplaced feeling of pride when Sylvain runs a finger over several of them and picks up a mouthpiece for testing the instruments along with one of the flutes on display.

Felix takes step back to get the full view of Sylvain gingerly fitting the mouthpiece to the flute, his eyelids fluttering down in concentration, his lashes dark and long. He’s beautiful like this. Felix swallows, trying to keep his pulse in check and not be responsible for this date, if he can even call it that, ending with him in the ER. Crossing his arms in front of his chest to keep a check on his erratic heartbeat while trying for a semblance of composed coolness, Felix shifts his weight onto one leg and waits for Sylvain to start.

He looks over to Felix a last time, eyes twinkling and lips curling when he catches his gaze, then blows over the mouthpiece. Sylvain’s eyes unfocus as he retreats into whatever headspace he needs to channel the memories of how to play a song. He screws up the first two tries, even laughs and holds the flute down to say, “Sorry, I’m out of practice.”

“Don’t pressure yourself.”

“I wish you’d be more competitive here. At least kick my ass.” Felix arches an eyebrow. “Figuratively speaking!”

“You shouldn’t slack off all the time when you could be practicing.” Felix narrows his eyes for added effect although his smirk betrays his real feelings. “Good-for-nothing.” Sylvain grins at him. “Now go blow me away.”

“Punny. I like that.” Sylvain raises the flute to his lips again.

“I know, and I’ll talk more about blowjobs late—”

“Felix!”

Felix raises his chin. The smirk is still plastered to his face. “Play or I won’t.”

Sylvain’s lips are back on the mouthpiece. He’s glaring at Felix even as he plays the first tentative notes, a scale up, then down, as though he’s trying to remember where each note in the harmony lies. Then his eyes flutter closed as he loses himself in a melody that evolves from simple to elaborate, from something out of a children’s song book to something dynamic. Sylvain taps out the beat with a foot. Felix has no idea how long Sylvain has been playing when he stops. At some point other people inside the store chose to turn and listen in as well.

Flushing, Sylvain disassembles the flute to the way it was before and disposes of the mouthpiece in a tray labeled ‘used’. His fingers are trembling. Felix steps up to him and asks, “You all right?”

“Yes. My fingers are just starting to feel weird.” Sylvain shoves them down his jacket’s pockets. “Wanna look at sheet music, too? Maybe I’ll pick something up.”

“Okay.”

Sylvain waits for Felix to fall into step beside him. He leads him back to the entrance area. His hands reemerge, the trembling gone from his fingers, to rifle through the songbooks and note anthologies. “Before you end up offering, I want to buy this with my own money.”

“Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Yes.” Sylvain turns his head to make eye contact that feels uncomfortable with the gravity of his gaze. “I’m good.”

He doesn’t appear to be lying so Felix turns his face away. He can’t bear this look. “I hope you liked the trip here.”

“A lot. I didn’t expect it and I can pick up a li’l souvenir for myself.” There comes the shuffling of paper as Sylvain continues his search. “Let’s take a picture together when we’re outside again.”

“So you can post it on your insta?”

“Nope. It’s so I’ll always remember the great time I had with you here. I even got to play some!”

Felix finally finds it in himself to smile again. It’s a tiny smile, but a smile nonetheless, so it has to do. “Okay.”

“To the picture?”

“Yes.”

Felix looks up to find Sylvain grinning toothily. He’s already holding a book with piano sheets from what Felix can decipher. “This is for research purposes,” Sylvain says when he catches Felix looking.

“Research?”

“For your song. It can’t be anything less than perfect.”

Felix snorts even as his heart pumps faster. He hasn’t forgotten, no, but his bold demand wound itself into the far recesses of his memory. “I’m not pressuring you.”

“I know.” Sylvain turns back to the sheet music and in time procures a second book. “You probably don’t want anything from here?”

“No. And I have my own money.”

Sylvain sticks his tongue out at him as he passes Felix to pay for his books at the counter. He returns with a paper bag in hand and holds out his other to Felix. “I have the impression you’re angry at me for some reason and I want to make up.”

“I’m not angry.”

“But irritated.”

Felix rolls his eyes and yanks Sylvain outside by his hand. “I’m not.”

“If you say so.” Sylvain wriggles his hand loose and fishes out his phone. “Don’t force a smile if you can’t bring yourself to.”

“Will you stop it?”

“In all fairness, you’re the one who started.” Sylvain holds his phone out, Felix and him appearing on the screen. Straightening his back to at the very least show every centimeter he’s tall (or short), Felix’s eyes flit over to Sylvain. “Man, I totally ruined the mood for this.”

“I did promise you to talk about blowjobs so I guess now’s as good a time as any.”

Sylvain’s cheeks turn rosy. Good. “Like I said,” Sylvain tilts his head towards Felix, “you and Doro are making my life a living hell.”

“And whose fault is it?” Sylvain pushes out his bottom lip in a quivering pout. Felix rolls his eyes at him. “That won’t fly with me.”

“Not now. But once your soft spot for me has grown—”

“It already has.”

“I know, I know.” Sylvain sighs, but a smile crosses his features. “I should consider myself a lucky man.”

“You should.”

“So what did you want to tell me about blowjobs?” Sylvain clears his throat. His voice comes out subdued. “Is this about my performance last night?”

“It can be.” Felix inclines his head. “I’m willing to be your test subject when it comes to blowing someone because frankly your ‘performance’, as you put it, sucked.”

Sylvain gasps. Then chuckles. His cheeks turn redder. “Guess I blew it, huh?”

Felix smirks. “Nice recovery.”

Sylvain grins. He quickly takes the picture—Felix notices despite his attempt at diverting his attention. “Say, was it really that bad?”

“No, but it was sloppy. I could tell you’ve never done this before.”

Sighing, Sylvain shoves his phone back down his pocket. He grabs Felix’s hand and starts walking. Where to Felix doesn’t know, but he’ll trust Sylvain on this. “This is kinda embarrassing to admit.”

“That you used to be a gay sex virgin?”

“No, but…” Sylvain turns his face away from Felix. His blush flares up anew. “You know, I googled it. ‘How to give a good blowjob.’ I even watched instruction videos.” Sylvain laughs, his free hand clasping the back of his neck.

“At least you were mentally prepared.”

“Yeah. But, you know, it was all very technical? And I just couldn’t imagine what’d it be like. How big a dick really is in your mouth. And how it feels. Hot. Twitching. Leaking. And, well, when I found out, all that theoretical knowledge I’d accumulated? Just gone. I couldn’t think anymore.”

Felix laughs. “Did it feel that great?”

“Not really.” Sylvain laughs too albeit nervously. “Is it supposed to?”

“I don’t know. Never felt amazing to me. But it turns me on somewhat? Just the thought. And I love the control it gives me.” Felix looks up at Sylvain. “Driving someone crazy with it. Because I get to pick what I do and when I stop.”

“I admit, this does sound interesting.”

Felix chuckles. “Let’s explore a little more before I edge you into oblivion.”

Sylvain squeezes Felix’s hand. “Already looking forward.”

“Good.” Felix stifles a sigh. “You know, I’m scared of this.”

“Of… edging me?”

“No, of this relationship.” Felix’s free hand twitches and he hides it in his pocket. “That you’re gonna walk out on me. Go home and realize this was interesting or fun but not more.”

“You still think this after what I told you earlier?”

Felix presses his lips into a thin white line. “This, and that you told me three weeks ago that you’d be faithful if you ever found yourself in a relationship are in your favor. But the way you’ve been treating people you were intimate with in the past as well as the way you treated me—”

“Wait. How have I been mistreating you?”

“I didn’t say that. But I’d be lying if I told you I never had any doubts.” Felix sighs. “I told you yesterday. That your actions could be interpreted as you leading me on because you feel safe or because you like toying with people.” He bites on his bottom lip, hard. “You know I’m ill.”

“Yes,” Sylvain says so quietly it barely registers.

“I ask you to be honest if only for the sake of my health. Think of what you could be doing to my life before you act.”

“I will.”

“Good.” Felix squeezes Sylvain’s hand. “I’m not telling you you aren’t allowed to end this or walk away from it if it’s too much or not the right thing for you after all. But please don’t let me end up as collateral damage. Be honest with me.”

“Of course.” Sylvain stops in his tracks and lets go off Felix’s hand to turn around and face him. “Say, will you promise to be as honest with me as you expect me to be?”

Felix holds up his pinky.

“Swear.”

Raising his chin, Felix says, “I don’t have anything to swear an oath on. Either we trust each other or this relationship was doomed from the moment we started it.”

“You appear sincere enough.” Sylvain curls his pinky around Felix’s still-outstretched one. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights until Felix smiles at him and Sylvain’s face melts into a radiant smile as well. Blinded, Felix turns his face away.

“Let’s go to Subway or whatever. I’m starving,” Felix says.

* * *

They had to take the bus home. While that sucked, it’s at least evidence to them having spent the better part of their venture outside walking as a substitute to exercise.

Apparently, fools seldom differ or however the saying goes across the pond, since Sylvain says, “It’s a shame I didn’t bring my running shoes or we could’ve exercised for real today.”

“Just lift me a hundred times or so.”

Sylvain looks up from stirring sugar he found in the far recesses of Felix’s kitchen into his tea. “Are you being serious?”

Felix shrugs with one shoulder. He hides his smile behind the rim of his cup of coffee. “Take your pick.”

Sylvain grins, all teeth. “I’ll do it then.”

After finishing their respective beverages, Sylvain beckons Felix over to the living room. Felix watches him squint at him, the tip of Sylvain’s tongue sticking out the side of his mouth. “What’re you thinking?”

“I’m visualizing how it’s going to work.”

“Just pick me up.”

Sylvain laughs. “I could sling you over my shoulders and do squats.”

“I could sit on your back while you do push-ups.”

“My back’s gonna break but all right.” Felix raises an eyebrow at Sylvain but gets nothing enlightening out of him. “We’ll just figure this out as we go.”

“Okay.”

Sylvain steps up to Felix and picks him up, lifting him by the armpits. Felix huffs in an attempt not to giggle from the touch. It’s hard, getting harder by the minute as Sylvain does it again and again and again. And then his fingers move and Felix realizes the fucker is doing it on purpose. Thrashing in his grip, Felix fights until Sylvain lets go, his trademark shit-eating grin plastered all over his face. “I thought you weren’t ticklish,” Sylvain says.

“I’m not.”

“You are.” Sylvain takes a step towards Felix, hands outstretched, fingers wriggling.

Felix takes a step back. And another. “Only a little bit. It’s not worth mentioning.”

“Then what are you running away for?” Sylvain takes another step towards Felix.

“I’m not running.” Yet. Felix bumps with his back into the wall.

Sylvain arches an eyebrow, eyes shining, teeth gleaming. He only needs two more steps to reach Felix, and once he completes the first one, Felix feints to the right to make a mad dash to the left. It works. “Come back!” Sylvain shouts, already on Felix’s trail.

He chases Felix twice around the living room before Felix tries another feint. But this time Sylvain sees through Felix’s attempt to lock himself in the bathroom and blocks the way, so Felix has no chance but to run into his bedroom instead. He dives onto his bed and curls himself up tight in the blanket he reaches first. Something in the back of his head registered the bed is made when Felix certainly left it in a state of chaos this morning, but he doesn’t get any further with Sylvain sitting down next to him, radiating calm and warmth.

It’s a farce. A ploy.

Felix works his face free of the cover to have an easier time breathing. Sylvain cranes his neck to look at him. He’s working so hard to cover his smirk with something amiable and he fails just as hard. “Hi there,” he says, voice soft. His eyes crinkle at the corners. He looks like a fox.

“Just get it over with.”

“Let me help you out of this first.” Sylvain’s touch is light and gentle as he works to unwind the covers from where Felix keeps clutching them to himself. His fingers slide between the covers and Felix’s clothes, palms brushing lightly over Felix’s body.

“I want to hate you so much.”

“And here I was gonna comment that at the very least you’re not a sore loser.”

Felix pulls up his lip to snarl at Sylvain.

“Hey, you’re not really angry with me, are you?” Sylvain asks, voice suddenly soft, eyes gaining a depth that was missing before.

“I’m not.” Felix sinks into his mattress. “I like goofing around with you.” His eyes flick up at Sylvain. “And I mentally steeled myself to be tickled by you. Endlessly. All the time.”

“It’s a surefire way to make you laugh.” Sylvain leans closer to him. “If you like.”

“I was feeling funny today anyway.”

“Mhm.” Sylvain turns Felix on his back by his shoulders. “Let’s put the ‘fun’ back in ‘funny’.” He leans down to touch his lips against Felix’s, a light, inconsequential touch, before Sylvain straightens again. His fingertips trickle down Felix’s body, starting at his neck and working their way down fast to the rim of his sweater. Then his fingers slide underneath the piece of clothing, and at the first hint of Felix writhing and suppressing a laugh, Sylvain’s back to his fox face: all fucker, zero saint.

He allows Felix a last second for his life to flash before his eyes, a final moment to brace himself for the inevitable he invited. Sylvain breaks out in a grin so unreasonably sexy while at the same time smug and vain and filled to the brim with asshole intent. Felix’s heart gives a thump at the sight, and then it’s beating all over the place as Sylvain begins his tickle torture.

Felix is able to suppress his laughter for the duration of the longest-lasting three seconds of his life. Then his control slips and, fingers digging into the bedsheets, legs flailing, he laughs hard enough to bring tears to his eyes.

Sylvain doesn’t let up. He rolls up Felix’s sweater with his free hand to work him twice as ruthlessly. Felix has no idea when but eventually Sylvain climbs onto the bed, his knees digging into the sides of Felix’s hips. He’s laughing along, has been for a while, and only stops when he retracts his hands and gives Felix a chance to breathe. The way he looks down at Felix—all warm now, adoration warring with fondness—is making all the strength leave Felix’s body as he melts into his bed.

“Let me remove this,” Sylvain twirls the rim of Felix’s sweater between a pair of fingers, “for the second round.”

“Fat chance,” Felix says even as he pushes himself up on his elbows-gone-jelly to let Sylvain peel the garment from him.

“I have the distinct impression you actually like me tickling you.”

“I like having your hands all over me.” Felix forces himself to sit up until Sylvain pulled the sweater over his head. Sinking back down, Felix watches him discard it on the floor.

The door creaks as Cat pushes it open. She jumps onto the bed and pushes her head against Sylvain’s legs until he starts petting her. “There’s someone else thinks this, too.”

“You just can’t keep yourself from touching pussy, huh.”

Sylvain chuckles. “Nope. Good that you come with free puss.”

“You’re gonna be sad whenever I visit you.”

“Still like the sound of that. When?”

“Next weekend?”

Sylvain lets go of Cat to hold out his pinky to Felix. “I’ll hold you to that.”

“Fine with me.” Felix curls his pinky around Sylvain’s until Sylvain pulls his free.

“Any last words?” he asks with his fox face in place, wriggling his fingers. Cat rolls up in her spot on the bed.

“Revenge is sweet.”

“And payback’s a bitch.”

“Mhm.” Felix doesn’t get any further because Sylvain’s fingers are back on him, not just working his belly, but his armpits as well, and then Felix reds out, laughing for what his life’s worth. Sylvain joins in, too. In time he moves away from Felix, giving him a second chance to breathe through, but then he realizes Sylvain is going for his socks. “Aw, c’mon!”

“That’s not a ‘no’ I hear,” Sylvain says in a sing-song voice.

Felix contemplates giving him one since his diaphragm is already sending pain signals to his brain, but then he thinks about all the other things they can do once he’s adequately stripped, so he squares his jaw. “You’re right, it’s not.”

“Good.” Felix’s socks join his sweater in the last regular heartbeat his body might make this day. Sylvain leaves a feather-like touch under the soles of Felix’s feet with his fingertips, and Felix fights the urge to kick out as much as the one to break out laughing again. He fails on both accounts. At least he neither kicks Sylvain in his face nor in the family jewels. That would’ve been a shame.

“I love how wild you are,” Sylvain says in-between his own gasps for breath, letting go of Felix once more.

“Sorry.”

“I said I _love_ it, Fe.”

“I thought you’d react badly to violent outbursts.”

“I’m capable of interpretation.” Sylvain’s gaze holds Felix’s eyes. “Trust me, there are worlds between what you’re doing in good fun and what my brother did to me.” Sylvain’s fingers slide Felix’s belt through the loops of his pants to undo it. “I know the difference.”

“Reassuring. Also, what are you doing?”

“What’s it look like?”

“Ridding me of the last of my clothes.”

“Hm, not just yet.” Sylvain dumps the belt onto Felix’s other clothes on the floor. “I just studied up on good tickle spots this morning.”

“You what?” Felix wants to roll his eyes at the same time he wants to put on a death glare. He has no idea what face he ended up pulling, but it sure _felt_ impressive.

“When you went grocery shopping.” So Sylvain prepared himself for this as well. He undoes the button on Felix’s jeans and pulls them down, leaving his boxers in place. His boxers that do nothing to hide his growing arousal.

At last Sylvain doesn’t comment. After Felix’s jeans land on his heap of clothes as well, Sylvain slides his hands from the soles of Felix’s feet—a terrible act by itself—up on the underside of his legs. When he reaches the backs of Felix’s knees, Felix becomes aware of the torture he willingly placed himself under. He’s insane.

Yes. He’s insane.

The realization strikes just as badly as Sylvain’s fingers undoing him. Felix claws into the mattress to keep as still as he can as he’s sure his heart is giving out for good. Everything hurts.

He loves pain.

However, he never knew he was a masochist in this sense.

He has no idea how much time has passed, only that his whole body is tingling, trembling, out of strength, when Sylvain stops. His shirt is there one moment and gone the next, his pendant glinting in the light. The locket feels cool against Felix’s skin when Sylvain leans down and the chain pools on Felix’s chest. Sylvain’s hands come around, not sinister anymore, but careful, brushing Felix’s hair from his face, then enveloping Felix’s face. Sylvain’s breath is hot against Felix’s lips before he closes the last of the distance and kisses him.

Felix returns the kiss eagerly. He buries his fingers in Sylvain’s hair, raking his hands through it, working his way down his back as far as he can reach. This is the first time it occurs to Felix that Sylvain might be a little too tall since he can’t grab his ass from here. Instead, he goes for what he can reach and undoes his belt, almost rips off his fly and brushes his fingertips against what’s hidden inside.

Hidden. Felix laughs into the kiss, teeth grazing Sylvain’s tongue.

Sylvain pulls back to raise an eyebrow, a big grin on his face. “Care to share?”

“Underwear is hidden.”

“What?” Sylvain is still grinning. He sits down on Felix’s crotch area, making it easy to give his ass the fondling it deserves.

“You wear pants. And underneath hidden, secret pants.”

“They’re softer. Doesn’t feel as ouchie when they chafe against my hidden, secret body parts.”

Felix giggles, worsened by the fact that Sylvain is painting circles on Felix’s chest, homing in on his nipples. Relaxing further into his mattress, Felix lets Sylvain work. There’s still a smile on his lips as he does, one Felix can’t help but mirror. He pulls his arms back from Sylvain’s ass to reach for his hidden, secret pants obscuring his hidden, secret body parts. Massaging these, Felix elicits a delicious moan from Sylvain.

“Remind me why we’re still wearing clothes?” Sylvain asks.

“You stopped stripping us.” Felix gives Sylvain’s dick a last squeeze before he retracts his hand.

“Right.” He shuffles back to pull off his socks, then slip out of both pairs of pants with ease. This time Felix makes sure to watch his cock strain against his boxers before it springs free. The sight is making his own cock twitch. He licks his lips. “Like this?” Sylvain asks, an eyebrow raised, that grin still lighting up his face.

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll try my best not to turn into a nervous wreck again.”

“You weren’t.”

“I was on the inside.” Sylvain sits down on the edge of the bed, hooks his fingers into the waistband of Felix’s underwear, and rolls it down his legs. “This is still new.”

“But good?”

“Awesome.”

“I liked it when you lay on top of me.”

“Like this?” Sylvain asks again, but it sounds so different and it means so many different things as well. He crawls back on top of Felix, knees bumping against his outer thighs, crotch pressed down against Felix’s in a way that makes Felix push up his hips, the locket resting on Felix’s chest again, Sylvain’s fingers in his hair, his lips on his own.

They kiss for a while, nothing else, with Felix pulling on Sylvain’s hair in turn. Eventually, he snakes a hand down his body to grab both their cocks in one hand. Sylvain squirms and moans on top of him. Felix chuckles into the kiss that Sylvain breaks, burying his face in Felix’s neck and leaving who knows how many hickeys there in the time it takes Felix to stroke them both over the edge.

“You may move,” Felix says, no, gasps, during it all, and having Sylvain slowly fuck into his hand (and against his own dick), making enough noise for the two of them, is what eventually does it for Felix. Sylvain comes shortly after, collapsing on top of Felix with a piece of Felix’s skin still between his teeth. He lets go to groan against Felix, kissing the sore spot as if that would make the delicious pulsing go away.

Felix has no idea how long they stay like this. His arms are slung around Sylvain, his skin radiating heat and a little damp with sweat. Sylvain eventually stops his slow kisses and simply breathes against Felix’s neck. He’s not asleep, or he shouldn’t be, what with his heart still racing so hard Felix can feel it against his chest.

“You’re squishing my dick,” he says eventually. Sylvain chuckles and rolls off him. Cat gives an annoyed mewl and rushes out of the bedroom.

“Oh gods, she was here all this time.”

“So what? If she minded, she would’ve pissed off sooner.”

“Probably.”

Felix forces himself to sit up. He untangles his hair from his loosened hair tie and leaves it open. “Let’s clean up.”

“I’m sleepy.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “It’s not even late. I thought you were the night owl.”

Sylvain sighs. With a groan (and a show of visible effort), he gets up. Felix follows him into the bathroom. It’s weird, being still naked around Sylvain, but the other man doesn’t seem to mind, and it’s not like Felix doesn’t take his chance to stare some more at his ass.

“I’m not sure if you implied you wanna shower together,” Sylvain asks over his shoulder.

“If we somehow don’t end up fooling around, I’m fine with it.”

Sylvain laughs. “Do I sense a story behind this?”

“I’ll tell you under the shower.” Felix smacks Sylvain’s ass. It feels and sounds better than he imagined. “Step inside already.”

“The water’s gonna be cold!” Still, Sylvain complies, sliding the door open and turning around to beckon Felix to follow. “You gotta suffer with me.” Felix swallows. He doesn’t look any better, but Sylvain’s belly covered in cum—and some of that Felix’s own—is a sight to behold. Sylvain tilts his head to follow Felix’s line of sight, then laughs. “I thought you knew when you said you wanted to clean up.”

“Yeah, well.” Felix steps inside the shower as well and slides the door closed behind himself. It’s cozy with two people.

“Ready?” Sylvain asks. Felix rolls his eyes at him and reaches behind him to turn on the faucet himself. Cold water sprinkles over them, causing Sylvain to squeak high enough to make his voice crack. “I wasn’t ready yet!”

“Obviously.” The water slowly turns warm. “Shower story?”

“Please.”

“This was when I was living together with my boss. I had a girlfriend and,” Felix shrugs with one shoulder, “we were young, we tried out a lot of BS.”

“Like shower sex?”

Felix apparently makes a sour face because Sylvain chuckles. “We didn’t get that far.”

“This horny and desperate?”

“No, we were under the shower all right but moving was a shitty idea because I slipped. I hit my back on the faucet. The shower was built into a bathtub, so everything was lower.” Felix indicates the height with a hand. “It hurt like hell.”

“I hope you didn’t hurt yourself permanently.” Sylvain reaches behind himself for Felix’s shampoo. Oh. Felix dips his head to hide his smile.

“No, but I was a crying mess. My girlfriend didn’t think that was becoming of a man so she, I don’t know, left? I can’t remember. The next thing I know is my boss storming into the bathroom while I sit in the tub, naked, probably still hard, crying because of my new ouch.”

“She’s stupid if she thinks men aren’t allowed to cry.”

“I agree.”

“Or I wouldn’t be here.” Sylvain laughs. “Careful, I don’t want this to get in your eyes.”

Felix squeezes his eyes shut. He can’t remember the last time someone else washed his hair for him. He has a distant memory of bathing together with Glenn when Felix was still in kindergarten. Glenn was terrible at it. Accidentally or no, shampoo would always wind up in Felix’s eyes. Which is why he kicked him out to do it himself eventually.

Sylvain is either more nimble-fingered or taking better care, because nothing drips down into Felix’s eyes today. He relaxes into Sylvain massaging the stuff into his scalp where it’s supposed to go, and then waits for him to wash it out, his fingers combing through his hair.

“Don’t expect me to do the same.”

“I don’t.” Sylvain half-turns away from Felix to go for his own shampoo. “I know you’re not the most physically affectionate person and I’m already demanding all you can give.”

“I’m… trying to open up.”

“I’m aware and that makes me really happy.” Sylvain quickly washes his own hair. Felix has to reach around him for soap to rinse the rest of his body. He’d rather do it himself, what with Sylvain likely tickling him again, or worse, trying to arouse him when Felix wants at least an extra hour right now to calm and settle. Sylvain doesn’t say anything, however, washing his own body as well as it works in a one-person-shower.

When they’re both satisfactorily clean, Felix regards himself in the mirror. He _could_ shave off the little that’s grown in over the day, but he could also just wait until tomorrow morning. At least three hickeys are blooming on his neck. “Let’s not do this again.”

“What? Why?” Sylvain walks up to Felix from behind, toweling off.

“It was too cramped. I only got about a fifth of the water which made washing anything that wasn’t my hair tedious. And I was cold. I was scared you were going to tickle me aga—”

“What?!” Sylvain’s voice comes out high and offended. “I wouldn’t have!”

“Doesn’t matter.” Felix finishes drying himself. “My shower isn’t made for two people, end of discussion.”

Sylvain pushes out his bottom lip. “Well, _I_ liked it.”

“Then let’s hope your tub is big enough for two.”

“It is,” Sylvain whispers. Whatever colored his cheeks before, it’s making way for what Felix interprets as genuine blush of goodwill and excitement. He gives Sylvain a smile through the mirror in return.

* * *

While they did end up back in bed, it’s neither for sleep nor for sexual recreation. Nope, they sit across from each other, Sylvain’s playing cards strewn all over the mattress. Felix is sure he saw Cat lie down across at least three of them.

The games themselves aren’t that hard although they’re bound to be more fun with more people. Perhaps Felix can engineer something for the next movie night… Anyway, Felix only now realizes how good Sylvain really is with his hands because he started showing Felix magic card tricks that Felix can’t for the hell of him figure out.

“You’re just fucking with me,” he declares eventually.

Sylvain raises an eyebrow but doesn’t erase his smug grin. “It’s magic.”

“ _Stage_ magic. Which means illusions and distractions and—”

“Aw, you think I’m distracting?”

Felix gives Sylvain a half-smile. “I think you’re good with your hands.”

“You know, I haven’t had a chance to practice my dick sucking today.”

Felix gnashes his teeth together. At least Sylvain cuts to the chase fast. About as fast as Felix’s excited heart pumps his blood to his groin. “I’m not in the mood for a third shower today so get a towel.”

Sylvain smiles at Felix as if it’s his first day of school, all pride and joy. “I will!” He’s already getting up.

Felix uses the little time he has to gather up the cards and throwing Cat out of the bed in the process. “I’m sorry,” he says to her. “You really don’t want to see and hear us fuck all the time.” Cat folds back her ears and jumps off the bed.

Felix doesn’t get the chance to watch her go because Sylvain is back, already half-undressed again (and since he only threw on his t-shirt and boxers, this means Felix has a nice pair of tits to stare at). “You forgot a card,” he says, reaching behind Felix and pulling the queen of hearts from Sothis knows where.

Felix’s hand flies to his ear as if his fingers will breach this pocket of space the card hid in. “How did you do this?”

“Magic!”

“No, really.” Felix rolls his eyes.

Sylvain watches Felix’s unfaltering expression, then sighs and relents. “I took the card with me when I left. The trick is just to direct your attention elsewhere.” Sylvain follows Felix’s eyes locking onto his chest, and chuckles.

“I see,” Felix mutters.

“It worked! This way you wouldn’t notice anything amiss when I returned. Now to the actual trick. It’s just sleight of hand.”

“Isn’t it always?”

“Usually. Look. You cup the card like this.” Sylvain pinches the card face-down between the tip of his pinky and the thumb pad. “It has to look natural from the other side.” He turns his hand over. “Not like you’re concealing anything. Then you push a little on it to make it bend.” Sylvain turns his hand over again to show Felix. The card is pushed away from his palm like a bridge. “Thumb goes behind the card, index in front, let go, and the card flips over.” He demonstrates the trick as slowly as it’ll go.

Felix takes the card from between Sylvain’s fingers and tries it himself. It’s clear he lacks the years of practice or however long you need because Felix fucking sucks at it. He can’t do it. After the fourth failed attempt, Sylvain’s chuckles harmonize with Felix’s irritated growls. After the seventh, Felix is close to ripping the card in two. Instead, he controls his rage and slams the card onto his nightstand, next to the rest of the deck. “Let’s do something else,” he says. His vocal cords grate against his inner throat.

“Like what?” Sylvain folds his hands behind his head and leans back. A playful smile is tugging at his lips.

Felix dumps his t-shirt on the floor. He tackles Sylvain, now laughing, into the mattress. There’s no fight in him, but that’s all right. It’d be a shame if Felix ends up the only one to go to work covered in hickeys.

* * *

Sylvain relaxes, eyes unfocused yet his brows knit in concentration. His fingers clench Felix’s thighs, likely to leave additional bruises to sort out next week. His lips are wrapped around Felix’s cock, his mouth impossibly hot. He asked Felix not to give too many pointers, so Felix simply watches him, head tilted down, his hands stroking Sylvain’s hair in an attempt to relax him even further, his own hair falling in front of his eyes.

Sylvain’s throat works, the tattoo on the side moving along with his skin as Sylvain swallows. This feels nice, so Felix gives him the suppressed moan Sylvain has been asking for indirectly. Sylvain is impossibly slow, almost never moving, just inching his way forward a tiny millimeter more with each strenuous breath. “Wait,” Felix says, gasps, bites his bottom lip right after voicing.

Sylvain does look up at him finally, his eyes huge and dark. He hums something against Felix’s dick which really shouldn’t feel as good as it does.

“Don’t try to deep-throat.” Speaking is hard. Denying Sylvain this is even harder when he puts on his puppy eyes as if this is what he wants. “Look, you could end up gagging royally and then you’d puke all over me.”

Sylvain laughs and he removes his mouth completely from Felix’s cock. It throbs in dejection, the air around it feeling impossibly cold. “I thought you liked everything about me.” Sylvain’s voice is a little hoarse. He looks up at Felix who wrinkles his nose.

“I don’t.”

“Aw.” Pain creeps into Sylvain’s eyes.

“Saints be damned, Sylvain.” Felix averts his eyes. He can’t take the puppy eyes any longer. “Go practice on a dildo or whatever before you force yourself to do this with me on the misguided conviction I want this in the first place.”

“You don’t?”

“One step after the other.” Felix removes one of Sylvain’s hands now resting on his thighs to his dick. “Handjobs aren’t hard and you can practice on yourself. Blowjobs? You told me you’re not acrobatic enough.”

Sylvain was flushed already but now he gains more color. “I should be more careful what I mention around you.” His gaze drops back to Felix’s cock, and he licks his lips. Despite what he said earlier, Sylvain really must like giving oral, huh. First person Felix met who has a taste for it, who finds out after denying himself because he’s wrapped himself in his straight antics to a point he convinced himself he couldn’t possibly survive looking at any cock not his own.

“I used to mind more when I wasn’t sure—” Felix doesn’t get any further since Sylvain appears to have tuned him out in favor of being fascinated by the way the tip of Felix’s cock retreats into foreskin and pops back out when Sylvain strokes it like this. And now he has Felix softly moan under his breath and not in the mood to discuss—what exactly?—anymore. And then Sylvain pushes his fingers down further, his knuckles brushing against Felix’s balls, as he licks at the glans and wraps his lips back around the tip, head obediently moving back and forth the way Felix made explicit he likes.

What a way to spend the night.


	27. Day 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are with the anniversary chapter! This fic has been up since November 28 of 2019 already. Back then I didn't expect this to get this huge nor to be so much fun writing. To be honest, I figured I'll make stuff up as I go along, and it's served me well so far (even though there are a lot more notes involved in my writing for this fic now than in the beginning). I'm incredibly thankful for you guys—the community backing this with kudos, comments, even the occasional fanart, and no doubt lots of love <3  
> I hope you'll continue to enjoy reading my fic, as I'm having a blast writing!

“Did you already see?” Sylvain asks when Felix joins him for breakfast. He got up later today, but when you spend the better part of the night sucking dick and giving instructions in turn, you’re allowed to sleep in this once. He’s late since he needed to shave off his stupid stubble that makes him look ugly while the same phenomenon is irresistible on Sylvain.

Felix slides into his chair across from him. A cup of coffee is already waiting for him there, and Felix picks it up. “See what?”

“Annette’s new video! She uploaded one yesterd—”

“You follow her?”

“I _subscribed_ to her channel, yes.” Sylvain waves his phone around. He procured toast from somewhere, lathered in enough jam to turn it into a soggy sponge.

“No, I didn’t see it.”

“You should! She makes a shoutout to you!”

“W-what?” Felix’s face heats up.

“I mean I _think_ it’s you. But you guys hang out from time to time, yeah?”

“Not really.” Sylvain slides his phone across the table. Felix looks down at the screen, already showing Annette smiling into her camera, then raises his gaze to Sylvain again. “We only met through my boss’s cuckoo idea and now she’s dating my co-worker I think.”

“What?” Sylvain laughs and stuffs his face with toast.

“He brings her every-fucking-where.”

Sylvain chews fast and swallows. “Oh, yes, you said!”

“They did not end up fucking on my sofa if you’re interested.”

“It looks like no one ever fucked on it.”

“Correct assessment.” Felix touches his cup to his lips. He’s glad he didn’t drink out of it because otherwise he’d have spewed it into Sylvain’s face.

“We should change that.”

“…In time.” Felix waits for Sylvain to share more of his plans and when nothing further comes he empties his cup. Setting it aside, he taps onto Sylvain’s phone to start the video.

Annette is sitting in her car, as always. “A wonderful good morning, everyone! Today is a little different for me. This song wasn’t picked at more-or-less random like the others,” she laughs, “but instead I’m going to sing it for someone who,” a hand goes into her hair, a finger twirling a strand of it around itself, “someone who seems like he’s more than he pretends to be. Someone I don’t know well but I’m sure he’s fought his fights without going down.” Annette laughs again. “Before you say anything, _no_ , he’s not my boyfriend or my beau or anything. He’s just himself. I’m not name-dropping here, but you’ll know this song is for you.” She turns up her radio, her fingers selecting the song, giving it a few extra seconds filled with silence as she starts her car. And then she breaks into her rendition of Queen’s _I Want to Break Free_.

Felix’s cheeks flare. His eyes are glued to the screen. His ears register nothing but Annette’s voice.

It’s only when her little performance ( _for him_ , his brain adds) ends that he looks back up. Sylvain is resting his head on the palm of one hand, his eyes crinkling at the corners as a smile plays over his lips. “Are you like this too when you listen to my music?”

“Like what?”

“Don’t play dumb.” Sylvain grins. “Mesmerized.”

Felix drops his gaze. He places the phone next to the cup of coffee he picks up right after. “What if I were?”

“In that case my heart would burst out of my chest and then I’d die a happy man.”

“I don’t want you dead.”

“So you’re not gonna admit it?”

“Damn right.” Felix finishes his coffee. “What do you want to do today?”

“Oh, uh,” Sylvain scrambles to sit up straight. “I don’t know. Visit someplace cool in Fhirdiad again? I mean I’m not here _that_ often.”

“Look up the tourist traps and pick something you like.”

Sylvain laughs. “Will do.” He takes his phone and taps away on it while Felix gets up to make himself scrambled eggs with bacon. His mouth is watering at the thought alone. “Say,” Sylvain pulls Felix back from resting his brain through the head-empty method, “am I correct in thinking you’re smoking less?”

“I’m trying.” Felix’s hands twitch. He has either the worst or the best idea ever. “Wanna see a magic trick, too?”

“Hm? Which one?”

After sliding his pan onto a cool surface element, Felix leaves the kitchen to return with his opened pack of cigarettes. He opens the latch and shuffles the pack so a few of the cigs look out of the top end. “Count how many are left.”

Sylvain raises both eyebrows. He takes the pack from Felix, fingers brushing against his, and hums under his breath. “Fourteen.”

“Now watch this.” Felix grabs the pack and dumps the contents in the garbage. Sylvain gasps, mouth still hanging open when Felix turns around and presents the empty pack to him. “They vanished.”

Sylvain closes his mouth as laughter bubbles out of him, his shoulders heaving. “I don’t know what I expected, but not this.”

“Good.”

“Pragmatist.”

“I told you from the start.”

“Mhm, and I love it.” Felix turns back to his eggs and bacon, hiding his smile from Sylvain. “So, you’re gonna quit, just like this?”

“Yes.”

“Impressive. And good luck.”

“Thanks.” Felix seasons his breakfast and dumps it on a plate. “When I picked it up again, I mean smoking… I didn’t care about what I was doing to my body long-term. It was just another way to cope with life.” He slides into his chair across from Sylvain. “But now I care. I don’t want to end up like my old man.”

“I’m glad.” Sylvain picks up Felix’s cup to pour more coffee into it, the machine rambling while it works. “It’s a weird thought already that I’ll have to bury my parents eventually. Like I already did my brother.” Sylvain frowns. “I don’t want to outlive my friends, too, even if this sounds selfish.”

“The hell are you gonna drop dead before I do.”

Sylvain laughs. “Promise me you’re not gonna off yourself if I end up dying first.”

“Depends on how this is going to go. I can’t imagine what my dad went through when my mom died.” Felix frowns and picks at his food with his fork. “Let’s talk about something else.”

“Yes, sorry. I didn’t want to hit too close to home.”

“It’s fine. I’m doing better than I have in a while.”

“Good.” Sylvain chews on his bread for a minute, then says, “We could go to Fhirdiad Aquarium. Look at fish and turtles.”

Felix snorts. “How romantic.”

“Exactly!” Sylvain sounds undeterred. “Hard to believe, I know, but I gotta catch up on all the romance I missed out on so far.”

“And you picked me of all people?”

“Yes, Grumpy Cat.”

Felix rolls his eyes at Sylvain’s stupid sexy grin. He’s lucky he’s cute. “Sometimes I think you’re one of the smartest people I ever talked to and then you pull bullshit like this and I want to reevaluate everything I know about you.”

“Is it that bad?”

“I—”

“Let me be love-struck for once. I like what it feels like.”

Images of their activities from last night flash through Felix’s mind, helpful as always. “I figured.”

“Mhm. Let’s make out after breakfast and then go.”

Felix laughs. “You’re insatiable, you know that?”

“And you aren’t?”

“I never said so.”

“Good.”

* * *

“Can I ask two things?” Sylvain has been singing along to the radio for the better part of the car ride, making Felix think again of Annette’s success on YouTube and how Sylvain could shamelessly copy her. And then he thinks how he’s probably one of three people who’ve listened to Sylvain sing in the car before (the others being Ingrid and Dorothea, if Felix is allowed an educated guess), and he’s glad Sylvain isn’t big on sharing this particular talent. Sylvain eventually turned the music down and replied to messages on his phone. Now he’s back in the here and now.

“Go ahead.”

“Why do you have three hair ties on your gear shift?”

Felix shrugs. They just appeared there, for all he knows. “When I need one before work or gym.”

“Okay.”

“Next question.”

“Why does your car have manual transmission?”

“Because it came like this?” Felix doesn’t like how this comes out sounding like a question.

“It’s just, I don’t know, become rare?”

“Has it?” Felix clenches the steering wheel with one hand and the gearshift with the other. “I just like being in control as much as possible.”

“I see.” Sylvain rests his chin on the palm of a hand, his elbow propped up against the inner car door. “You ever drove a car without power steering or ABS?”

“Probably not.”

“You wouldn’t want to switch.”

“Then why do you ask?”

“Because I want to get to know you as best as I can.” Sylvain chuckles. “I just noticed. You’re a good driver and you have a really nice car,” he pats Felix’s hand on the gearshift. “It got warm so fast? The heater in mine takes forever until a noticeable effect is reached.”

“You can cook your shit in here, too.” Felix thanks the saints for the red light he has to stop at just this instant so he can turn on the seat heating for the passenger side.

“I think I’m going to like this feature.”

“There’s some way to preheat the whole car but I never read the manual.”

“Didn’t you have to pay extra for that?”

“Probably. I don’t know and I don’t care.”

“Man, must be nice not to have to worry about your paycheck.”

Felix frowns. “Do you have financial problems?”

“No! Everything’s going well.” Sylvain leans forward so Felix can see him smile out of the corner of his eye. “I got lucky and more or less inherited the studio. For my birthdays my parents give me more money now that they don’t have to split it between two children anymore. I bought my house for ass-cheap and renovated it myself in my off hours. I get by fine.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll show you around next week!”

“I’d like that.”

Sylvain laughs. A note of uncertainty creeps into the sound. “You know, I’d love to take you with me this evening. I don’t want to go home alone.”

“This day isn’t even over.” Felix turns into the parking lot of the aquarium.

“I know. But I also know I won’t be able to cuddle you tonight or the night after or the night after or the ni—”

“Sylvain. Shut up.” He does. Felix parks the car, stops the engine, and unbuckles his seatbelt. Then he reaches over and squeezes Sylvain’s shoulder. Sylvain looks up, uncertainty swimming in his eyes. “We’re going to make some more good memories in a few moments. And whatever comes after we worry about once we get to it. Okay?”

“Okay.” Sylvain’s shoulders sag a little with the tension fleeing.

“There’s no reason to panic or get worked up over it now.”

“I know. Sorry.” Sylvain wipes at his eyes. Has he started crying? His eyes don’t look like it. “I get so irrational sometimes for no reason.”

“You’re upset. I got upset yesterday. It happens.” Felix leans over the center console to cradle Sylvain to his chest. Hugging in a car is still awkward, but it’s worth whatever’s digging into his thigh to dig into his thigh when Sylvain relaxes some more, inhaling a shuddering breath. One of Felix’s hands travels upwards and brushes aside the hair falling into the nape of Sylvain’s neck, raking upwards.

Sylvain nuzzles against Felix, humming softly under his breath. He’s not clinging to Felix as heavily as Felix feared, and detaches himself a few minutes later. Felix holds him by his face. Eye contact still isn’t his thing, but this is the surefire way to check if Sylvain’s all right. He hasn’t been crying, which is good. Then his eyes sparkle and crinkle at the corners, which is better.

Felix asks, “How are you feeling?”

“Calmer. Thank you.” Sylvain brushes a thumb over Felix’s lips. He leans forward to humor him. His boyfriend. Heh.

* * *

When Sylvain said he wants to catch up on romance, he meant it. One of his hands is perpetually holding one of Felix’s, fingers linked, squeezing whenever something excites him. He’s sneaking in kisses whenever he thinks no one is looking, even if it means having to shield Felix’s body very obviously with his own, and afterwards he’s giggling like a teenager. It makes Felix smile. Even on all the pictures Sylvain insists on taking, some of them not featuring Felix for his insta feed, some for the Felix stash he apparently has, but most of them couple photos that would have made Felix retch two months ago.

They make at least two whole rounds through the aquarium. Sylvain is most delighted by the penguins, making a lot of unmanly noises when they walk in on the caretakers feeding them. Felix has to pull his hand free for the first time. Sylvain spares him a quick glance and ask, “What’s wrong?”

“You’re crushing my hand.”

“Oops.” Sylvain snatches it right back, making sure this time to keep his excitement relegated to squirming and noises and an unfathomable amount of pictures. His phone must carry extra storage on top of extra storage.

Eventually, the penguins are all fed and Sylvain lets the children glue themselves to the glass wall by making space. “Sometimes you’re like a kid,” Felix says.

“Didn’t have much of a childhood.”

“Sorry, I—”

“It’s fine.” Sylvain’s thumb caresses Felix’s hand. “Having a good time is more important than being a stuck-up adult.”

“I’ll have to think about it.”

“Mhm.”

“Let’s go to the sharks. We skipped them last round.”

“Did we?”

They didn’t. But if Sylvain can see his penguins twice, then Felix is allowed for a second sighting of sharks. Following the signs through a sizeable portion of the aquarium and spending way to much time watching jellyfish—boring except for this catchy tune Sylvain hums and calls the ‘Jellyfish Jam’—they eventually reach the shark basins. Felix combs his bangs away from his face. “Look. This is what I’m here for.”

Sylvain chuckles. “You’re here because I made you go.”

“I’m here because I agreed.”

“True.” Felix steps up to the glass walls. The sharks behave differently from the penguins, not interested in interacting with the visitors to the aquarium. Probably don’t have enough brain capacity to register what’s even going on beyond swimming and feeding. Which brings Felix back to the zombies vs. vampires discussion: You don’t need smarts to be terrifying. “Want to know some cool shark facts?” Sylvain asks.

“Sure.”

“Did you know male sharks have two penises?”

Felix should have seen it coming. He should have. And he hasn’t. “No, and I want to forget immediately.”

Sylvain laughs. “It’s because they have two pelvic fins which results in two organs to cum inside female sharks. They only really use one during mati—”

Felix whirls around. “There’re _kids_ here!”

“I’m not sure my other shark facts are more suitable for kids.”

“Look, I thought you were going to tell me about their teeth or whatever but—”

“Did you know shark skin is really lots of weirdly developed teeth?”

“What?!”

“Sharks are just really crazy.” Sylvain steps up to Felix and turns him back around by the shoulders. “Watch them, not me.”

Felix does. He wouldn’t call the exercise fun exactly, but it’s better than Sylvain’s ‘cool’ shark facts.

Which he fucking continues whispering in Felix’s ear, breath hot and weirdly erotic despite his words. “Did you know sand shark embryos eat others from their litter? Cannibalism.”

“No.”

“Other shark species have litters bigger than a hundred. Just imagine.”

“This is just as bad.”

Sylvain chuckles. “Sharks have a great sense of smell—you know the blood detection, right?”

“Yes.”

“But did you know they have acute hearing, can see well, and can sense electrical fields their prey generates as well?”

“No, but that’s the first really cool fact you told me.”

“Finally.” Sylvain steps behind Felix and squeezes both his shoulders before slumping into a weird embrace, his head resting on Felix’s right shoulder.

People stare. Felix can feel it on his back and through the whole of Sylvain’s body shielding his. Sylvain, being the shameless creature he is, doesn’t give a flying fuck. His arms tightens around Felix as he leans against him in a way that makes Felix fear he’s gonna fall asleep any second. And this is Felix’s doing? He anchors Sylvain like this, he’s responsible for the calm he’s feeling?

Slowly, carefully, Felix wriggles his arms free to cover Sylvain’s hands with his. “See?” Felix whispers. “Today isn’t a bad day for you.”

“You’re right.” Sylvain tilts his head to press a kiss against Felix’s jaw.

“Let me treat you to an ice cream.”

Sylvain lets go and steps up to Felix to snatch his hand. “Since when do you eat ice cream?”

“I do if it’s not too sweet.” He tugs on Sylvain’s hand, guiding him back to the entrance area. “For some perverse reason I don’t mind brain freeze.”

“You mean you don’t experience it?”

“Oh, I do. But work gives me worse headaches.”

“Aw, Fe.” Sylvain squeezes his hand. “I’m really happy you quit smoking for good, but you should try and work less, too. All that hard-earned money isn’t gonna save you from death.”

“I know.” Felix sighs. If Sylvain knew he’d been replying to mails yesterday morning, he’d throw a fuzz. “I’ll talk with my boss.” Some day.

“Please do.”

Felix fumbles for their disk with the number to their locker on it, the key to it dangling from a short string. “Can you get our stuff and I’ll be back in a minute? I need to use the toilet.”

“Oh. Sure.”

“Thanks.” Felix replaces his hand in Sylvain’s with the plastic disk. He quickly vanishes in the bathroom to relieve himself in peace. For some reason, he was convinced Sylvain would ask to come with him, what with how clingy he is today, but he seems to manage on his own now as well.

He’s waiting, leaning against the wall, his own jacket already slung on, texting with someone on his phone. He looks up when Felix approaches him, a smile quick to spread over his features. Sylvain abandons his phone in favor of a quick hug that turns into Sylvain helping Felix into his jacket as though he’s a toddler.

“I just thought that you’re awfully clingy.”

“I’m mooning.”

“Making the most of your boyfriend privileges, huh?”

Sylvain smirks, a blush rising to his cheeks. “Yes.” He takes Felix’s face in his hands and kisses him, slow and gentle, his tongue touching Felix’s for the briefest moment.

Ugh. Ugh! Felix wants to push Sylvain up against the wall and do him right here. Instead, he detaches himself from him and says, “Let’s get going.”

“Yes!” Sylvain says again, jogging up to Felix and taking the proffered hand.

As soon as they’re outside, Felix says, “Sing to me.”

“Magic word?”

“Alakazam.”

Sylvain laughs. “Aw, I thought you were gonna say ‘open sesame’ again.”

“Now that would get boring awfully fast.”

“True.” Sylvain hums a little in a sing-song way, then says, “I’m picking this song because of your words.”

“Surprise me, jukebox.”

Sylvain grins, making Felix doubt his request. Who knows which assets Sylvain is going to boast about this time? “Please sing to me,” he starts, and Felix breathes a sigh of relief that this isn’t going to end in pandemonium, “I can see you open up to breathe. Fast words make it easier on me.” Sylvain dips his head and he sings the following words indeed faster. “At the point to never disappoint you, somebody’s got to tell me what to do.”

Leaning forward, Felix gives Sylvain a sidelong glance. He isn’t certain how much Sylvain uses music to speak about himself while painting his picks as arbitrary or lucky coincidences.

“Just wish you would’ve seen me when it used to come so easy— Well, not really,” Sylvain cuts himself off. A nervous laugh rumbles through him, and he grips Felix’s hand tighter. “It was all fake.”

“I know.” Felix gives Sylvain’s hand a short squeeze. “Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Then don’t.”

Instead, Sylvain lapses into a monologue about some astronaut being allergic to moonstone which is also the point at which Felix tunes him out. He’s pretty sure Sylvain notices Felix isn’t listening to what he says, only to his voice rambling away, and he’s fine with it. At least Felix is. He likes listening to the voice, clear and strong, listening to its rise and fall, to the inflections, to the way Sylvain pronounces words with his slight country lilt. Content? Doesn’t matter.

Well.

There are some subjects Sylvain should steer clear of, but he should know them himself.

Felix leads him to an ice cream parlor with inflated prices and a menu lighting up Sylvain’s eyes. He almost looks half his age like this, a faint flush to his cheeks, an excited grin directed at the decoration and the menu and Felix (but mostly at the menu). Sliding into a booth with Felix joining opposite him, Sylvain asks, “What will you have?”

“Nothing.”

“Aw, really?” There’s a knowing glint in Sylvain’s eyes.

“You said it yourself. I don’t like it.”

“I made you remember that?”

Felix rolls his eyes. “Now what will _you_ have?” He digs through his pockets for his wallet, already standing again. If he can keep Sylvain from making eyes at other people, he will, although Felix has to admit, that meme image stuck in his head, the one with the man whistling at a woman’s ass and his girlfriend upset, has not played out in real life for him. Yet.

Sylvain rifles through the menu again, inspecting the pictures in time-lapse. “The double banana split. Ask for extra hazelnut.”

Felix turns to walk to the bar where he places the order. Looking over his shoulder, he finds Sylvain watching him, making him squirm and quickly turn back around. The waitress assures him it’ll only take a moment, and in the same breath assures him he can go back to his booth because waiting here could end up making everyone involved uncomfortable. So Felix goes, having paid a few bucks extra in advance and praying to whichever gods listening in that Sylvain isn’t going to ruin their last day together, after Felix decided to be all vulnerable for him.

“Be good,” he mutters under his breath as he slides back into his seat.

Sylvain draws down his eyebrows in puzzlement. “Aren’t I the bestest boy?”

“Lex already has the title.”

“Then aren’t I the second-bestest boy?”

“You’re trying.” Felix fumbles for the ballpoint pen he always carries around with him in case he needs to sign something at work in person. “Gimme your left hand.”

“Aw, the artist in you wants to leave some ink on me, too?” Sylvain’s smile is one to undress for on the spot. He rests his chin on his right hand and places his left one on the middle of the table, palm down.

Felix leans forward, the pen needing three tries to finally release blue ink. The ridges and bones in Sylvain’s hands make drawing a straight line impossible, but since nothing about this situation qualifies as straight, Felix shrugs it off. Also, touching Sylvain like this still doesn’t come as natural, even though they’ve been holding hands for the better part of their ventures outside. The five-pointed star Felix leaves on the back of Sylvain’s hand looks like Felix drew it blindfolded with his left hand, but whatever. “For trying.”

Sylvain raises his hand to look at the disaster and laughs. “You need one, too. It looks—”

“Shitty, I know.”

“That’s one way to phrase it.” Chuckling, Sylvain pries the pen from Felix’s grip, then grasps Felix’s left hand. “So what if I was just a painter?” Sylvain sings under his breath, his lines on the back of Felix’s hand straight and precise. “Painting houses on the rich, blue coast.” His star is already done.

“Don’t stop.”

Sylvain hums and proceeds to give the star some friends. “Would you ever try to leave me for somebody who deserves you most? ‘Cause, darling, I am just a painter, I’m painting houses for the rich old folks. I’m gonna make a million dollars ‘cause nobody’s gonna steal you, no, for diamonds and gold, for diamonds and gold.”

When Felix gets his hand back, there’s a whole night sky drawn onto it, with a big star adorning the center of his hand. Sylvain’s artistic talent, if Felix can call it that, isn’t much more developed than his own, but his whole fake-it-’til-you-make-it air translates well into every conceivable situation including drawing.

Then Sylvain’s order arrives, and he really makes good on being the second-bestest boy by smiling politely and thanking, eyes trained on the waitress’s face and not her boobs or, when she turns, her ass, but sliding to the double banana split instead.

It’s massive. Two entire bananas give the dish its name, split lengthwise and framing generous amounts of ice cream. Chocolate sirup spills from the bananas down to the crystal plate the thing is served on, chopped hazelnuts sprinkled over it. The ice cream comes with hats of whipped cream, a stoneless cherry adorning every ball.

This is the perverse sight Sylvain licks his lips at.

After taking several pictures, he scoops up some of everything onto his spoon until it’s heaped so high Felix is sure it’s gonna collapse before Sylvain thrusts the spoon into his mouth. It doesn’t. A shudder goes through Sylvain who squeezes his eyes shut and moans softly under his breath. “Right to the core,” he sighs, then scoops up a second helping. “Open wide, Fe.”

“No.”

“Pretty please. This time it’s a boat.” Sylvain’s eyes widen in mock shock. “Just imagine what’ll happen if it crashes against the unrelenting iceberg! Titanic 2.0!”

Felix rolls his eyes and fixes his stare anywhere but ahead at Sylvain. Crossing his arms, he parts his lips for the boat noises coming from Sylvain accompanied by the cold spoon pressing against it, making sure to swallow the load fast and hard for the mini brain freeze experience as well as the suppression of any sugary taste left on his tongue. The chocolate is the worst, the cherry the best.

“Final verdict?” Sylvain asks. Can’t the man read an expression? The way Felix’s whole face distorted should have been obvious.

“It fucking sucks.”

Sylvain laughs. “You don’t mince your words.” He promptly stuffs his face with the rest of the ice cream. Felix feels weird watching him, and he feels just as weird looking somewhere else. He guesses it’s safe to check his phone, but apart from Sylvain’s photo roll in Felix’s messages, nothing’s waiting for him, as usual. So Felix does the one other thing his phone is good for apart from serving as alarm clock and panic-inducing device straight from hell whenever he gets his pin wrong—he’ll never live that one day down, even with Sylvain’s number in his notebook now—and checks the weather forecast.

Today’s weather is going to stay like it is: cloudy, small chance of rain, wind. Tomorrow is supposed to be the same. The day after—

Sylvain fucking footsies Felix under the table. He looks up from his phone to earn laughter right in his face. “You look ready for murder,” Sylvain says.

“What do you know, I _am_ ready for murder.”

“Why ever would you be?” Sylvain grins, the spoon in his mouth moving with his lips and teeth. The way he slides a booted foot against Felix’s shoe shouldn’t feel gentle and needy at all. Felix would be clumsy if he tried it. Which gives him an idea. He carefully pries his foot out of Sylvain’s insistent rubbing and stomps down on Sylvain’s boot, hard. “Ouch!”

“Careful what you wish for.”

Sylvain pouts. He doesn’t say anything, sits up straighter, pulls his legs towards him, and preoccupies himself once more with his ice cream. “Will you at least kiss it better?”

“Please tell me you don’t have a foot fetish.” Felix more glares than looks into Sylvain’s wide eyes. “Please.”

“Only because you phrased this so nicely: I don’t.”

“Full sentence.”

“I don’t have a foot fetish.”

Felix watches Sylvain’s expression closely. He’s bad at finding tells of lies, but Sylvain held his gaze, his lips didn’t twitch, his skin didn’t flush. “Good enough.”

Sylvain sighs with relief. “Want my last bit of banana?” he asks, already winding his spoon around until it’s placed on top. “There’s not even chocolate on it.”

“Okay.” Leaning over the table, Felix lets himself be fed before Sylvain makes vehicle noises this time. He swallows the piece without chewing, then says, “Let’s go back to the car.”

“All righty.”

* * *

Felix’s one braincell not obsessed with Sylvain in all his naked glory for some reason thought they wouldn’t have sweet homo sex before parting. After all, they’re supposed to make good memories, not fuck all day and night long.

All the horny braincells, however, argue that they’ve made plenty of memories he can just look at his phone for, but having Sylvain press him up against the wall, legs pinning Felix’s, hair a mess Sylvain doesn’t help by tugging it gently every which way, is way more important right now. His dick agrees.

Sylvain’s hands under his shirt, over his bare skin, are hot as always as they explore every nook and cranny Felix has to offer. Felix would love to bite his bottom lip to keep his involuntary giggles at the touch from developing, but with Sylvain’s tongue deep in his mouth it’s rendered an impossibility. Instead Felix occupies himself with the feel of Sylvain’s hot skin under his palms, the slight movements of his muscles underneath, the gentle tickle of hair on his chest and the trail leading into his pants.

Sylvain breaks the kiss to pull Felix’s shirt off and throw it where his own one is lying on the ground. Cat must agree Sylvain’s a walking oven because she made a nest of his abandoned shirt, folding back her ears when she ends up covered by more fabric.

The sight is what makes Felix give in to his giggles finally. Sylvain stops nibbling at his earlobe to whisper, breath hot against Felix’s ear, “Care to share?”

“Cat looked ready for murder as well.”

“Why?”

“You threw my shirt onto her.”

Sylvain lets go of Felix to turn around, watching Cat fight her way free and breaking out in laughter. “Sorry, Cat! I’m busy—” Felix uses his chance to gain the upper hand, reversing their positions and knocking the breath out of Sylvain when he finds himself pressed up with his back against the wall now. Arching an eyebrow, he grins smugly down at Felix. “I’ve been waiting for your wild side.”

Since Felix is the perfect height for biting Sylvain’s jugular, he does just that, driving a hiss and a moan out of Sylvain. Felix licks at the tender spot, then sucks on the bruise until he’s sure he’s leaving a mark. The gentle pull on Felix’s hair assures him Sylvain does anything but mind. Kissing his way down along the tattoo, Felix reaches Sylvain’s right nipple. He suckles on it tenderly, then increases the pressure in time with Sylvain’s happy hums and whimpers.

Hands free and unoccupied, Felix brushes his fingertips down Sylvain’s torso. It’s unfair how he seems to be immune to tickling. Well. Moving on. Felix unbuckles Sylvain’s belt, then slides his hands inside his underwear to knead his ass. Sylvain moans lightly again. What if he’d like Felix to pull his cheeks apart and finger him? Shame it slipped Felix’s fucking mind to buy lubricant. He can still spread them apart a little and tease Sylvain’s entrance with a finger, however.

Sylvain’s high-pitched, “Please,” along with the buck of his hips, is the last thing Felix expects. He almost clamps his teeth down on Sylvain’s erect nipple because Felix can’t keep from laughing.

“You’re begging now?” Felix kisses the nipple so far ignored.

“What’s it sound like?”

“Like begging. I just said so, you dolt.”

“This was a rhetorical question.” Sylvain pulls at Felix’s hair again, in a way that forces Felix to look up. “We’re both supposed to know the answer already.”

“Then don’t waste your breath asking stupid things.”

Sylvain laughs, leaning down to kiss Felix deeply once more. Felix keeps teasing at his hole with his fingers, Sylvain’s whimpering down his throat, until Sylvain grabs Felix’s free hand to guide it to his cock straining against the fabric of his boxers, already leaving a damp spot of precum by the feel of it.

“Let’s move somewhere more sensible,” Felix says, drawing out a last badly suppressed groan from Sylvain when he slides his fingers along his length, then retracts both his hands. Sylvain’s hips buck again. It only connects this second what Sylvain playing at celibacy really meant. He hobbles after Felix, not bothering to right his pants slipping down farther with every step he takes. The last gap he crosses by jumping, knocking Felix into the mattress face first. “Hey!” he snarls, head already moved to glare at Sylvain from his profile (even if Felix can’t really see him like this), his elbow connecting with Sylvain’s chest in a way that makes Sylvain cry out in pain. He lets go of Felix, who promptly turns around. “Did I hurt you?”

“A li’l bit.” Sylvain puts on a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I can manage.”

“Don’t jump me and you won’t get elbows in your… chest.”

“I get this is all fun and games.” Sylvain’s hands undo Felix’s belt in record time. “I’m fine.”

“Sure?”

“I like wild Felix, too, so yes.” Sylvain holds Felix’s eyes, diminishing the gravity of his honest gaze by slowly prying Felix’s pants off.

Felix only grunts in reply, pushing up on his elbows to watch Sylvain rid him of his socks as well. Glad they agree socks on during sex kill the mood. Sylvain kicks off the remainder of his clothes sans the jewelry, then sits down on his knees to breathe against Felix’s cock. After a final lick of his lips, Sylvain grasps the shaft and goes down on Felix with little of the hesitation of his first time remaining.

Pushing himself up to sit up straight with one hand and cupping the back of Sylvain’s head with the other, Felix watches him blow him with a fast-diminishing lack of skill and making up for it with his eagerness a thousandfold. Add to that that Sylvain is anything but shy, looking up to Felix to watch his expression in turn. Sylvain’s eyes are dark with lust, looking impossibly huge from this angle, framed by his dark lashes as they are.

Felix has to hold back. Think. Think about anything else.

Right. Sylvain’s brows always looked darker in photos than they look in real life. They’re still dark, sure, but the red tint to them is hard to overlook. The same is true for all the other hair Felix’s seen so far—dark, but still in the red spectrum. Which only serves to make Felix think about Sylvain’s pubes, and then his genitals, and how hard sucking Felix off must make Sylvain if the noises accompanying his movements are any indication. He seems to love it.

Well. One in a million perhaps do. Felix chuckles in-between his own labored breathing. What would Sylvain have been like if he found out sooner?

This is the moment Sylvain picks to let go off Felix’s cock, giving it a lick up from the base to its tip. “My mouth’s growing sore,” Sylvain says, voice a little hoarse. His hand is continuing where his mouth left off, applying the pressure Sylvain was reluctant to his first time.

“This is good, too.” Felix untangles his hand from Sylvain and pats the space next to himself. “Come here.”

Sylvain lets go of Felix’s cock and crawls up to him, lying down, head propped up on one arm, muscles bulging. Felix shuffles closer to him, turning towards him, and kisses Sylvain, first tender, then needy, hands grabbing everywhere he can reach. When Felix brings their cocks together, Sylvain moans and pushes up into Felix’s hand. He bites Felix’s bottom lip, making him grin and hiss, then whispers, “I love this.”

Who would’ve thought? Felix chuckles again, earning himself some teasing from Sylvain’s teeth on his neck and Sylvain’s fingertips on the tip of his cock. He figured out already where to prod and rub and brush to make the most of the experience with as little touch as possible for Felix. With the blowjob preceding and the gentle fucking into Felix’s hand, it doesn’t take long anymore for Felix to come. Sylvain’s hand pushes Felix’s away to stroke him until Sylvain is satisfied he’s milked him out.

Felix grants himself a minute to calm down from his orgasm, then figures he can wipe his hand on Sylvain’s dick, seeing as it’s already covered in his cum anyway. “Don’t come in my mouth,” is all the verbal warning Felix will give Sylvain, already moving to lick his balls.

“Your gunk is on there,” Sylvain presses out. Seiros, is there anything the man doesn’t like?

“See if I care.” Felix licks his way up from Sylvain’s balls, tracing one of the more prominent veins of his cock. His own semen is warm and slightly salty on his tongue, not exactly unpleasant but Felix would lie if he said he never tasted anything better. Still, it makes him wonder what Sylvain’s tastes like. Too bad he shouldn’t find out in the heat of the moment like this, not this early into it all.

Sylvain’s clean hand buries itself in Felix’s hair as he reaches the tip of Sylvain’s cock, tongue swirling around it before he takes it in his mouth. Sylvain’s already whimpering and moaning, and Felix has barely moved his tongue much less done anything else. He strokes the base of Sylvain’s cock, his other hand leaving marks in his left ass cheek with the force he’s grabbing it with.

“Please,” Sylvain barely manages to press out. Felix chuckles against the cock in his mouth, silently cursing himself because the thing is so big that his movements almost make him gag. It’s hard to part Sylvain’s cheeks with one hand and Sylvain seems to notice, spreading his legs. This way Felix finds his entrance easily enough. Circling it with his index, Felix prompts Sylvain to produce sounds no grown human man should be able to make. They, in turn, make Felix smirk, lips stretching on Sylvain’s cock.

Felix doesn’t want to go in dry like this, so he keeps teasing Sylvain’s cute little asshole (because this is the descriptor Sylvain would use), keeps bobbing his head and swallowing every so often, keeps listening to Sylvain’s whimpers and moans and the occasional “yes”es or “right there”s or “please, Fe, please, please”s until the eventual, “I’m gonna come.”

Felix removes his mouth with an audible smooch that makes him laugh for some reason. Sylvain joins in in-between strained gasps, his loud groan when he spills all over Felix’s moving hand sprinkled with hiccuped laughter. As much as Felix wants to collapse on top of Sylvain, he tries to channel his one non-horny braincell to reach for the tissues and wipes both himself and Sylvain as clean as they’ll get. _Then_ he collapses on top of Sylvain.

“Oof. You want to crush me?”

“I’m not that heavy.”

“You have your fair share of muscle mass, Fe.” Sylvain’s arms wrap around Felix’s torso. The pendant is pressing into his chest, but Felix can’t bring himself to care beyond registering the metal.

“You were able to carry me fine two days ago.”

“And now I’m out of shape.”

“Doesn’t sex burn calories like crazy?”

Sylvain laughs. “That would be nice.” He threads his fingers through Felix’s hair, finally removing the tie that only held the mess together by a few select strands. Felix closes his eyes at Sylvain’s touch. “Sadly not part of my workout routine.”

Felix snorts. “As if.”

“I mean I never regarded it as part.” Sylvain’s wraps his freed arm back around Felix. “I’m willing to put it in my routine exclusively for you.”

“Sounds good.”

Sylvain chuckles. The rumble in his chest is the last thing Felix notices for some time.

* * *

It’s only when he opens his eyes again, in the dark of the room, that Felix realizes he nodded off. Sylvain is still there under him, providing warmth, and so is Cat who climbed on top of Felix’s lower back, curling up next to Sylvain’s hands and fucking Felix’s back up for the following week.

Groaning, Felix untangles his legs from Sylvain’s and pushes himself up on his hands. Cat gives a short cat-like yelp and jumps off, claws thankfully secure in her paws. Sylvain looks up at Felix with clear eyes, wiping at something on his chest. “Welcome back,” he says, a smile pulling at his lips.

“How long was I out?”

“Three hours-ish?” Sylvain shrugs and sits up, stretching and working the kinks out of his joints. “Napping with you like this was really nice. Even Cat joined.”

“I noticed.” Felix holds his back like an old man. “You should’ve waked me up.”

“Wake me up, wake me up inside—” Sylvain’s voice is unusually hoarse and he cuts himself off, coughing. Felix silently thanks the saints. “Sorry. I should sing or at the very least talk my voice warm.”

“Don’t meme sing at me.”

Sylvain laughs. “Okay.” He eyes Felix, his gaze moving up and down his body, eyes flicking to his arms but not resting on them. It makes Felix self-conscious, so he picks his underwear and pants up from the floor and slips inside. He only realized now that both his hands are clean, so he checks the tissues and, yes, Sylvain used some to clean both of them off. Somehow. “Aw.”

“What?”

“I’ve grown fond at looking at your naked ass.”

Felix snorts. “There isn’t much to look at anyway.”

“Not true!” Felix only shakes his head in response. “Anyway, why should I’ve roused you? I enjoyed holding you like this, even if you drooled onto me.”

Felix gnashes his teeth. An angry flush rises to his cheeks. “I don’t drool.”

“You did.”

“I didn’t.”

“You totally did, babe.”

“Stop calling me—”

“All righty, Feelie.” Sylvain’s smug, shit-eating grin makes Felix turn around and leave the bedroom in search of his shirt. Sylvain stomps after him, all grace gone from his usually calculated movements. “Hey, stop! I didn’t want to upset you.”

“You know what they taught us at school?” Felix’s head pops out of the top half of his shirt. He makes it a point to look Sylvain square in the eyes even though the man is walking around stark naked and Felix is an agent of the thesis that you’re free to look if it’s on display like this. “Think first, speak later.”

“Yes. Noted.”

“Put something on.”

Sylvain stretches and grins. Felix expects him to tell him whatever for, and that Felix sure likes the view, but what comes out instead is: “Your wish is my command.” Sylvain swivels around and catwalks back to the bedroom, ass perfect and jiggling with every step. Sylvain stops and turns around, winking at Felix when he sees where Felix’s eyes are directed. Ugh.

Turning around to hide his flaring cheeks, Felix marches into the kitchen. Cat is looking into her bowl as if she hasn’t been fed in centuries. Felix complies, dumping food in it that Cat gobbles up at first, then leaves half of it in the bowl as she runs back to Sylvain to rub against his legs.

“I’m decent now.” Felix looks over, and yes, Sylvain is, with all the damnable lack of effort he puts into his unkempt hair that still falls with the precision to enhance his sexiness to the max. “I even washed my hands.”

“Right.” Over at the kitchen sink, Felix does the same. Sylvain chuckles, but the sound dies rather quickly. Felix looks over with narrowed eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“The same as earlier.” Sighing, Sylvain sits down at the kitchen table, on what Felix started to think of as his own place. “I don’t want to be alone again.”

“You’ll have Lex.”

“Yes, but it’s—”

“I know.” Turning to his tiny tea cabinet, Felix selects Sylvain’s preferred blend, then fills the kettle with water. Sylvain is slumping on the table. “When will you have to leave?”

“I still need to pick up Lex,” Sylvain speaks onto the table, muffling his words. “With my car. So home first, then to Ing to pick him up, then back home.” With an effort, Sylvain sits up straight and looks past Felix, squinting at the microwave clock. “It’s not three in the morning already.”

Felix follows Sylvain’s gaze. “No. I had a power outage once and ever since then the microwave time is… weird. It won’t read three in twelve hours.”

“I didn’t even notice.”

“Because you were sitting with your back to it.”

Sylvain draws his eyebrows together. “Well, I should get going at around seven, seven-thirty.” He fishes around his pants for his phone. “And it’s close to eight already.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. I’ll text Ing not to worry.”

“Do that.” The kettle whistles. Felix pours Sylvain a cup of tea and slides it across the table to him when Felix sits down.

“Thank you.” Sylvain finishes his text, replaces his phone, and smiles at Felix in a way that’s heartbreaking. “Are you sad, too?”

“Yes.” And Felix is. “But listen, because I’m only going to say this once: This was a really, really good weekend for me, even if we both have our struggles. And I’m looking forward to next week. I’d like to find out how you live.” Felix smirks in a way he doesn’t feel. “It’s probably not as bland.”

“You’re excused.” Sylvain manages a more convincing smile. “You make me feel right at home anyway.”

“Yeah, in my bed.”

Sylvain chuckles. “Not just there. I had a great time, too, on our dates.” He even blushes at the word. It’s… cute, definitely. And heartwarming.

“I hope this whole serious relationship business agrees with you.”

“I have the feeling it does.” Hands already holding the cup, Sylvain blows over his tea. “I’ll have to think of some nice surprises for you next week.” Sylvain grins at Felix, eyes twinkling. “Cute date ideas for the middle of nowhere. For murder dens in the woods.”

Felix rolls his eyes at Sylvain. “Do you want me to come or not?”

“Fe!” Sylvain whines.

“I didn’t even suggest ‘cute date ideas with tagalong emotional support poop machines’.” It’s impossible to keep from smirking, this time genuinely, when Sylvain gasps.

“Felix!” It gets him every single time.

“Come on, drink your tea. Eat something, too.”

“Like what?”

“Scrambled eggs?” Felix gives a half-shrug. “Something quick and dirty.”

“You already had some this morning.”

“I have some pasta over from Friday. So fried pasta with egg.”

“Sounds good.”

Felix gets up and to work. He catches himself wanting to hum under his breath, which is a big no-no in front of Sylvain. “Sing.”

“Uh, what?”

“I don’t know, just something to fill the silence.”

“I could talk. We haven’t had one of our fun conversations in forever.”

“‘Fun conversations’?”

“You know, the ones in which you grill me.” Sylvain chuckles. “Monopoly or chess?”

“Saints,” Felix hisses under his breath. He dumps the pasta in the pre-heated oil and then adds four eggs. “I suck at both although I’ve only ever thrown fists over Monopoly.”

“Oh, tell me!”

“This was about half my life ago? I hung out with my brother and some of his friends. We ended up playing Monopoly, and the board we used is super old. Probably inherited from our grandparents. The currency is frayed and one of the board pieces is missing, so we replaced it with a blue lego—”

“Aw. And why blue?”

“Because I like blue. I had to take the lego.” Felix stirs whatever it is he’s preparing in the pan, breaking up the hardening yolk.

“Did they bully you into it?”

“Nah, but I didn’t initially want to fight with guys three times my weight and height.”

Sylvain laughs. “You’re not that small.”

“I last grew when I was 16, 17? And then stuck.”

“Be glad your teens weren’t filled with every damned aunt you have buying you new clothes because ‘you grow up so fast’!” Felix turns around to pick up the pepper mill in time to see Sylvain stick out his tongue at the memory. “And to please them—and my parents—they made me wear them. My brother was usually not with us on these grand family outings, but whenever he caught a glimpse of me, he’d make fun of me.”

“Asshole.”

“Yeah, but honestly? It’s one of the few things I agreed on with him. My parents don’t make me go anymore, now that Miklan’s gone forever. They’re afraid I might end up breaking off the contact completely.”

“Really?” Felix turns his back again to sprinkle salt and pepper over his creation, which he then deems done. “I thought you felt obligated to go and they didn’t really see it.”

“Oh, they see it all right.” Sylvain stands up to set the table, no prompting required. “I think my mom’s scared I may turn my back on them for good because my dad’s getting on my nerves.”

“She’s not as keen to have grandchildren?” Felix places the pan on the trivet Sylvain put on the table, then parts the contents with a spatula.

“It’s not this. She’d adore them but doesn’t pester me with it. My dad, though? He’s just so fixated on it. It’s dominating every conversation and ruining my… you know, feelings towards my parents. They’re turning ever more sour.” Sylvain sits back down, plates and utensils laid out on the table.

Felix takes the seat across from him and scoops the biggest helping onto Sylvain’s plate and the next smaller one onto his own. His stomach is rumbling, his mouth watering at the smell. “They won’t like us dating.”

Sylvain laughs. “Nope, no way they’d approve with their track record. I hope you’re not looking forward to me introducing you anytime soon.”

“I’m not.” Felix watches Sylvain’s expression, unsure if he should apologize.

Sylvain, however, merrily stuffs his mouth. “Anyway, you haven’t told me why you threw fists over Monopoly.”

Oh, right. “We played. I was pretty sure the dude who was responsible for banking duties also lined his character’s pockets because either we just collectively sucked at the game or he was a cheating prick. So I confronted him when he demanded rent for one of his overpriced hotels.”

“Did you shout?” Sylvain grins, teeth perfect as ever, no food stuck in-between them. Bastard.

“Not at first. He called me a ‘baby’, which you know is bad form—”

“Yes.”

“—and he kept belittling me to the point where he made it seem as if I suffer from some sort of inbreeding-caused brain damage. My brother had none of it either, although he tried to mediate between us. Unsuccessfully. I don’t remember clearly what exactly transpired but in the end I was tackling the wanker down. Needed to be pulled off.”

“Seiros.” Sylvain whistles. “Did you break his nose or anything?”

“No. Just gave him a black eye. We agreed to never cross each other’s paths again.” Felix smirks around his fork. “And Glenn kicked him out of his friend group.”

“Good call.” Sylvain clears his plate and grants himself a second helping. “Your feelings on chess?”

“Indifference.”

“Fair enough.” Felix watches Sylvain eat in-between his own bites which should be gross but is fine with Sylvain because Felix got it bad. Really bad. “I like board games in general. Monopoly should be called ‘Monotonous’ instead since that’s what it feels like.”

Felix snorts. “If you don’t get into fights, yes. It’s boring.”

“Also the game’s history is ironic. A game meant to teach people how capitalism bleeds people dry, exemplified through real estate—your branch of work, no offense—”

“None taken. It’s true.”

“Thanks.” Sylvain gives a quick smile. “How such a game gets stolen by a company which then demands money for it. And also makes special versions for every damn occasion to print even more money.”

“It’s stolen?”

“Yes, from Lizzie Magie’s idea, _The Landlord’s Game_ , which was supposed to demonstrate land grabbing. You know, how rents enrich property owners and impoverish the tenants. She filed a patent but Parker Brothers didn’t want to publish it, saying it’s too complicated. What they did instead was create their own version of the game which just so happens to one: focus on the monopolist and money grabbing aspects and unbalancing the game this way, and to two: give credit for the idea to a man. Forgot his name. Charles something.”

“I don’t like him.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Sylvain looks sheepish. His plate is once again cleared—Sylvain makes talking and eating and swallowing at the same time look easy—and one of his hands rests against the back of his neck. “I hope I didn’t hit too close to home. No pun intended.”

“You didn’t. It’s not my company.” Since they both ate up, Felix gets up to clear the table.

Sylvain joins him, no questions asked. “Also I prefer chess over Monopoly any day.”

“Checkers is easier.”

“We could play next week. If you want to.”

“Okay.”

“On the topic of chess—and this is gonna sound super nerdy—did you know that when I studied in Enbarr, I was part of my school’s chess club for a semester?”

“Yes.”

“What? How?”

“No, I didn’t.” Felix turns to Sylvain and flashes him something that’s supposed to be a good-natured smile but feels like a contorted frown. Whoops. “Why did you quit?”

“To uphold my image as dumb playboy.” Sylvain grins, then pours himself another cup of tea. Felix sits back down across from him. For someone saying he’s already running late, Sylvain sure takes a lot of time to get ready. “Also, there were two really creepy people in there? Or more like, she was normal but didn’t like my flirting, which is ordinary enough I guess. But the dude? He was following her around like her shadow and he threatened to stick a knife in me if I didn’t stop. So I did. Also I signed off.”

“Honestly? You get to know the weirdest kind of people.”

“Oh, it’s worth it when once in a while I strike gold.” The weight of Sylvain’s warm gaze on Felix is too much, and he turns away.

“I forgot to return your jacket,” he says and flees the scene. It’s in his wardrobe, neatly pressed and folded, the best way Felix could accomplish. He washed all traces of himself out of it—and with it, Sylvain’s smell. When Felix makes to leave his bedroom, he finds Sylvain standing in the doorway, his mug cradled in his hands.

“You can keep it a bit longer.”

“No. I understand the value attached to it for you.”

Something flashes through Sylvain’s eyes. His cheeks are rosy and a smile lights up his face. “Look, I don’t have enough space to take both your gift and my jacket home. Which means either I leave it, or I take it but have to give you something to hold on to in turn.”

The fuck? If Felix can trust his gut, this is just Sylvain’s way of wanting to dress him in his clothes without outright saying so. The notion warms Felix almost as much as the prospect of having something smelling of Sylvain to keep him company at night. “What a shame. Do I at least get to pick?”

“Sure.”

“Then this.” Felix points at Sylvain. He’s wearing a zip-up hoodie that looks tight on him and will look baggy on Felix.

Sylvain looks down on himself and shrugs. “Well, all right.” He unzips the hoodie and shrugs out of it, handing it over and picking up his college jacket in turn. His fingers brush Felix’s, sending a jolt along his skin. As Felix is cradling Sylvain’s hoodie to his chest, Sylvain slips into his college jacket, taking forever because of his tea. It’s another tight fit. The colors complement his hair and dark brows. Then again, Sylvain can wear anything and make it look fantastic.

When he’s done, Sylvain opens his arms and looks at Felix expectantly. Felix dumps the hoodie on his bed and walks over, fitting himself against Sylvain’s chest and wrapping his arms around Sylvain the way Sylvain’s arms tighten around him.

“I’m going to miss you,” Sylvain whispers, voice already hoarse.

“Text me. Call me. I’ll be back in your arms on Friday.”

“I know.” Sylvain cranes his neck to rest his chin on Felix’s head for a few heartbeats. Then he steps back, loosening his hold on Felix, and takes his face in his free hand. He leans down for a kiss Felix gladly reciprocates, a kiss that feels as bittersweet as it soon tastes with Sylvain’s silent tears mingling.

This time Felix doesn’t pull back and ask what’s wrong. This time Felix pulls Sylvain closer by his head and neck with one hand and tightens the other around him, his fingers digging into his back. He gives Sylvain as much as he’s ready to receive, and lets Sylvain be the one to break the kiss.

Sylvain doesn’t step away when he does and instead crushes Felix to his chest again. “Thank you,” is all he says, voice still raspy. The statement stays ambiguous—he could’ve meant the kiss, he could’ve meant the way Felix didn’t say anything about Sylvain tearing up, he could’ve meant the whole weekend, he could’ve meant Felix nudging him in the (hopefully) right direction with his advances. Hell, he could’ve even meant the whole friendship Felix offers on top of it all, the one Sylvain doesn’t want to be diminished by romantic and sexual attraction and instead to co-exist with them.

Felix wants to say something back, something just as laden with meaning and at the same time anything at all. Like ‘always’. Yes, this would be a nice reply. But he doesn’t have the balls and he doesn’t say anything, and then he doesn’t get a chance to anymore because the moment’s over and Sylvain pulls out of the mutual embrace. So instead of ‘always’, Felix says, “I’ll help you pack.”

“Thank you,” Sylvain says again, smiling and wiping at his eyes.

It’s a quick affair. Sylvain is already a tidy person, and apart from some items in the bathroom, his phone, and a pair of shoes, there isn’t anymore to pack. What Felix doesn’t mention is that there’s still enough space to fit at least three Sylvain-size jackets in his bag. He leans against the wall and watches Sylvain pull on his biker gear except for the helmet still stowed away in his motorbike’s trunk, then grabs his keys and leads him down the stairs to the underground parking garage. Sylvain is dangling his keys on one finger the whole way, the metal clinking against metal in a high-pitched noise.

“Have a safe ride,” Felix says, his voice echoing in the vast space.

“I will.”

“No speeding.”

“I’m responsible.”

“Yeah, sure.” Sylvain laughs at this, making Felix smile. “Text me when you’re home.”

Sylvain holds out a pinky. “Of course.”

Felix curls his around Sylvain’s, the movement awkward from Sylvain’s side because of his glove, then steps up to give him a kiss good-bye. “It’s a promise.”

“Yes.” Sylvain ruffles Felix’s hair, the static from his glove making it stand up every which way. Grimacing, Felix combs it down with his fingers. It’s all right, though, because Sylvain’s eyes crinkle along with his chuckle. Then he puts on his helmet, visor still up for now, and starts his motorcycle to shine some light ahead of them.

Felix silently walks him out to the front of the house, and lets himself be pulled into a final hug by the roadside. Then Sylvain pushes down his visor, sits down on his bike, and rides away into the night.


	28. Days 61 and 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fanart! Please check it out <3  
> https://twitter.com/Keypy0n/status/1335962268954054658  
> https://twitter.com/Sinsario/status/1339403485603897347

Felix is the talk of Blue Lions Financing and Real Estate. The reason for this is the nondescript scarf he wears indoors despite the slowly-climbing temperatures, and more so the glimpses a few lucky people who’d never participate in gossip—such as Ashe—got from Felix’s hickey-spotted neck. It wasn’t a problem over the weekend, no, the contrary even. He was proud of his new marks. Now the pride has made way for advanced irritation. What’s so exciting about him getting laid?

Apparently everything, if the muttering behind hands and the furtive glances thrown his way amount to more than just his paranoia. Making his way through the dining hall to his seat, Felix feels like he’s walking the red carpet. He balances his tray on one arm to pull his scarf farther up with the other. The burning need for a cigarette kills the last of Felix’s appetite. No more smoking. Sliding into his seat comes as a relief, because now he only has to deal with Ashe and Molinaro. Felix’s greeting comes exasperated, all the air leaving his lungs for having his back turned to most of the staff. “Hey.”

Molinaro nods along to Ashe smiling and saying, “Hey, Felix. How was your weekend?” There’s a sly grin pulling at his lips that Molinaro’s pokerface thankfully doesn’t copy. Ashe, at the very least, is in the know already. Then again, Felix told him to network. Funny in which ways you dig your own grave.

Dropping his gaze to his food—potatoes, a small steak, and some red stuff that could be anything from red cabbage beet blended to the point of becoming porridge—Felix begins to cut it into mouth-sized pieces. “Can’t complain. Yours?”

“Oh, pretty good, thanks for asking!” Ashe stays quiet for such a long time, Molinaro being as talkative as ever and saying absolutely nothing, that Felix looks up. Which counts as his second mistake, the first one being entering the dining hall in the first place. “Wasn’t there some kind of, I dunno, revelation?”

“Why should—”

“C’mon, Felix, don’t play dumb! Either you got wasted and found someone to do you, or my romance radar is right and you got your man.” Molinaro raises an eyebrow next to Ashe. His gaze is intense enough for Felix to avoid it.

He sighs. “Sylvain was over. We had a couple talks and figured out that we should give us a try.”

Felix doesn’t have to look up to know how Ashe’s smile broadens. “I told you he’d like you back!” At least the sassiness stays home. Felix raises his head to meet Ashe’s eyes, a faint blush making his freckles glow. A smile tugs at the corners of Felix’s mouth. “So, how was your weekend really?”

“Good.” _Great. Fantastic. Wonderful. Incredible._

“This might sound weird, but I’m really happy for you.”

When Molinaro joins in, saying, “You smile more,” Felix can’t take it anymore and glares down into his food. He could stuff his face with it. This will even show the others he’s in no state to reply right now.

Ashe is undeterred. “So, how’d you guys spend the weekend?”

Felix swallows. He should’ve brought one of the watery coffee messes with him, to help him swallow. The _F_ for ‘fucking’ is already escaping through the small gap between his upper teeth and lower lip when he catches himself and scrambles for another word. “Flute,” is what he settles on. Ashe’s eyebrows draw together. Molinaro tilts his head. “Sylvain played the flute for me. When we were at an instrument store.”

“He’s a music man,” Ashe whispers to Molinaro.

The other man nods. “Ah. So,” he turns his gaze onto Felix, “does he write music or what does he do?”

Felix fights the urge to blink in dumbfoundedness at Molinaro. They’ve never really talked beyond niceties, and now he’s interested in Felix’s boyfriend? “He has a studio and produces and mixes. He also gives music lessons from time to time.”

“Sometimes he writes songs,” Ashe pipes in. At least he leaves out the part of how Sylvain wrote Felix something for his birthday.

“Yes,” Felix agrees. “He’s apparently not recorded himself do so yet, but he can sing well, too.”

“I see.” Molinaro nods and takes a sip from his tea. “At first I thought he was playing in an orchestra.”

Because of the flute or the ominous ‘music man’ descriptor? Felix snorts, a smirk gracing his lips. “He does enjoy classical music. But he looks more like a hard rock type of guy.”

“Oh, yes, the tat!” Ashe’s eyes light up. Molinaro only raises an eyebrow in silent question.

“He’s tattooed,” Felix says, indicating his right arm with his fork. “And has these tunnel things in his earlobes. And he came to visit with his motorbike.”

Molinaro tilts his head once more. “Excuse me, Felix, but how does such a fine man as you find someone as… flashy as Sylvain?”

What a loaded statement. A tiny part of Felix would like to give in to the violent urge of angling his fork in the right way to make Molinaro into Dimitri’s twin, the two of them matching by having one eye each. There’s also the fact Felix won’t overlook that Molinaro looks anything but respectful, patient, calm, usually even kind—the way Felix has gotten to know him so far. Nope, the man looks like he gets into his fair share of criminal band activity, or at the very least, as though he’s had a very bad run as bouncer so far. About as many scars cover his head as there are on one of Felix’s arms, and since any sensible person would try and hide as much scar tissue as possible, this implies a lot about the state of the other 90% of his skin that Felix has never seen.

“It’s…” Felix wishes he was smart enough to come up with a smooth lie on the spot, one that lies by omission since Ashe here could tell if he told an untruth. “We started texting for no reason and then we hung out? And it went very well.” Smooth. ‘Smooth’was the keyword, and then this keyword does one other stupid Felix-Fraldarius brain thing which is summon Annette singing the Santana song.

Ashe raises an eyebrow during this lackluster explanation but bless him for not commenting. Molinaro doesn’t look convinced either, with many a question Ashe is likely going to love to answer flashing behind his eyes. All he says, however, is, “I see.” And, “Congratulations.”

“Thank you.” Court and brisk. This is the most awkward talk Felix has been subjected to in recent memory, so he summons the dreadful meeting scheduled for Thursday and says, “Ashe, are you free later today or tomorrow? I’d like to borrow you for the next presentation.”

“Oh, sure.” And this way, the conversation drifts off to work-related business. Funny how something you dread can also be a relief if viewed from a different angle.

* * *

It’s only a question of time when the penny drops for Dimitri, too. His first question when he saw Felix enter the building this morning was, “Did you fall down the stairs?”

“What?” Felix asked, eyes narrowed.

Dimitri’s hand touched his own neck. “It looks like it hurt.”

Felix wished he could turn transparent on the spot, to fade into invisibility and complete his tasks as a ghost. Alas, that proved a fruitless wish. And now there’s a knock on his door. “Come in,” Felix says, not looking up from his laptop. He knows who it is.

“Hello, Felix,” says Dimitri. Felix was right.

“Hey.”

The chair’s legs scrape on the floor as Dimitri pulls it away from the desk to sit down. The mingling smells of Blue Lion’s coffee and some tea blend Felix can’t discern waft in his direction. “I hope I’m not interrupting you.”

“Well, what’s it look like?” Ashe was unable to make today, but he’s equipped with the notes and their gamma version of the PowerPoint, so it should be all right. So now Felix is back to crunching numbers for a report that has to go out this year still, and then he’ll be back to internal affairs and contracts with their law offices on Friday morning. The headache is already coming on.

Dimitri sighs. “Like I am.”

“If you can wait a few minutes I’ll finish this up.”

“All right.”

Dimitri is the opposite from Caspar: quiet, measured breaths and an air of patience around him. Even Sylvain would have taken out his phone, maybe humming a tune under his breath. Dimitri, though, pretends to not be here. Perhaps he isn’t, not mentally.

Felix crunches the numbers, praying that Excel won’t die on him a second time in 50 minutes, and turns to Dimitri once the file is saved. “I’m done.”

Dimitri untangles himself from his position for out-of-body experiences, hands letting go of the knee from the leg he’s draped over the other, and he now places his booted foot next to the other one on the floor. “Thank you for making the time.”

“Yeah, yeah. What is it?”

Dimitri nudges the cup of coffee in Felix’s direction so he takes it. “As you know, I’m at the very least somewhat oblivious in matters of love. Some would call it shy even.”

This can only be headed in one direction. “Yes.”

“After careful consideration I talked to some trusted employees, and I was informed that the bruises on your neck are a consensual part of,” Dimitri swallows, “lovemaking.”

Felix would’ve laughed out loud for the awkward phrasing alone, and spares Dimitri this humiliation for the simple fact that Molinaro likely gave him impromptu sex ed. Great. Washing away his smirk with the awful coffee, Felix says, “Sylvain was here. We made out. Talked. Fucked basically the whole weekend.”

As expected, Dimitri’s cheeks turn red. He looks so embarrassed Felix almost takes pity on him. Almost. “I take it this means you are now a couple.”

“Yes.”

“Congratulations. You have my blessings.”

Felix snorts. “You’re not my old man and we’re not gonna marry.”

Dimitri licks his lips. The mug in his hands is trembling, but so far he hasn’t spilled the contents all over Felix’s laptop. “I’d be greatly pleased if you introduced us.”

“I’ll have to ask Sylvain but I’m sure he’d agree to a joint activity.” Hopefully not involving joints. Felix quickly gulps down the remainder of the coffee to keep from giggling like he’s mad.

“Thank you. Please keep me informed.”

Felix tilts his head a fraction to the side. This isn’t work, stupid Dima. “I will.”

* * *

Hands buried in his jacket’s pockets, Felix approaches Annette, who’s already waiting outside a piercing studio for him. She waves and smiles broadly when she catches sight of Felix. Her skirt and heels pose no problem for her as she’s running up to him for a hug. What’s with these people and their touch starvation? Felix humors her nevertheless.

“Hey, Felix!” Annette sounds cheerful as ever, and modulates her voice to not shout into his ear. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Hey.” He unwinds his arms from Annette. She thankfully takes a step back and regards him. Something is twinkling in her eyes. “How are you?”

“Great! You?”

“I’ve been worse.”

“Aw, come on!” Annette laughs. “Tell me about your weekend.”

“As you know, Sylvain gave me this.” Felix rummages through his pockets, opens the tiny brown paper bag, and dangles the sword charm by its chain.

“I know.”

“Look, I just want to see his stupid smile when he realizes I got a hole punched through my earlobe to wear it.”

Annette grins broadly. “This isn’t exactly how it works.”

“I’ll find out soon enough. You’re sure this is better here than at a jeweller?”

“Yeah. Professionals here. Jewellers usually use a gun to drive the needle in, and it clenches your earlobe on both sides and makes it swell.” Felix blanches. A gun? He should’ve done more research before deciding he wants someone else to mutilate his body for a change. “They do it by hand here. It takes a little longer but I swear it doesn’t hurt! And if you’re scared it will, they’ll numb your earlobe for you.”

“I’m not scared.”

Annette gives Felix a look so long and measured she must be seeing right through him. What’s with him and attracting smart redheads (who also happen to sing real well, oh, and who also love hugging)? “If you say so.”

“I do.”

“Well, anyway. They also have their own little smithy here or whatever it’s called. They can fix your sword with a hook.”

“I hope you speak from experience. I don’t want it to be damaged.”

“I have at least three friends who swear on this place, Felix.”

“I meant _personal_ experience.” Felix sighs. The way Annette looks at him, she’s likely seeing through his attempt at stalling.

She grabs his hand and pulls him after her, displaying a strength born of determination that Felix didn’t expect. “No more dilly-dallying!”

Stumbling after her, Felix enters the studio together with Annette. She assured him an appointment wouldn’t be necessary in the same breath she said she knows exactly how it works here (from her friends, apparently) and will take everything in hand. Blood rushes through Felix’s head as he takes in the small waiting lounge across from the counter, the various services the studio offers displayed on the walls and in small leaflets, complete with prices. The two employees in the front half are both pierced and tattooed. Sylvain looks like the nice country hick he is compared to these guys, even if they’re smiling friendly and look otherwise non-threatening. Makes you wonder what Sylvain’s parents would say if they saw their son next to people who look like they got their first body mods, plural, before they were able to talk.

“Are you coming?” Annette asks.

“Hm?” Felix blinks himself back into reality. Seiros, Annette must think by now that he’s anything but the hotshot he’s trying to emulate. Instead of enlightening him, she simply drags him through a doorway leading to the back half of the studio. Some rock station is on the radio. A door stands ajar, granting Felix a view into what Annette called a ‘smithy’. It’s closer to a workplace to craft accessories, lacking the fireplace Felix would regard as crucial to a bonafide smithy.

Annette waves in Felix’s face and mouths, ‘Sit down.’ There’s a really comfy-looking chair bordering on being considered an armchair what with all the thick upholstery on it.

Sitting down, Felix’s eyes align with a woman he swears wasn’t here a second ago, tattoos colorful on her arms because of her rolled up sleeves. Her ears indicate that she at the very least makes a really nice victim for getting some additional holes in them. Here’s to hoping she possesses a steady hand or at the very least some sixth sense for missing any nerves. The gum she chews only adds to Felix’s… let’s settle on _mild irritation_.

“Hi,” she says, and offers a hand stuck in a single-use glove. Felix shakes it. He doesn’t get the chance to find his voice and croak a reply, because piercer woman asks, “You’re here for a little earlobe prick, aye?”

From the corner of his eye, Felix can see Annette nod enthusiastically. He wets his lips and says, “Yes.”

“Aye, aye… Which side?”

Hit with sudden disorientation, Felix combs his hair behind his left ear. “This one.”

The woman rolls over (her chair has wheels, Felix only notices now), and takes a closer look. “Aye, aye, can do… Your first one?”

“Yes.”

“Aye…” The woman pushes back on her chair. There’s a cupboard complete with sink and a very medical-looking tray situated next to her (and Felix—he’s not noticing anything right now apparently). From there, the woman takes a felt-tip pen and a small packet she rips open for a wipe smelling like alcohol. “I’m gonna disinfect your ’lobe and then draw a little x on it. You take a look in the mirror, and tell me if it’s all right, aye?”

“Okay.”

The woman’s back in Felix’s personal space bubble. He steels himself not to flinch at the cold touch of the wipe. After this is done, he doesn’t even feel her draw. Felix is this out of it. Yay. “All done.” The woman’s back in her place and hands Felix a mirror with a handle.

It’s the third time Felix has regarded himself in a mirror today, after this morning and then before getting ready for this after work. He’s regretful to find his scarf askew and displaying enough of his hickeys that likely everyone who’s not known before knows now. Like this strange woman he’s going to let pierce his ear. The mark looks in an all right spot. It’s not like Felix can tell. So he says, “It’s fine,” and hands back the mirror.

“Aye, aye…” The woman replaces the mirror in her hand with a fine needle. She disinfects it, chewing her gum loudly, then suddenly she’s back in Felix’s personal space. “Most people say it won’t hurt.”

“Will it?”

“Nah. Let your lady friend hold your hand. It’ll be over in a sec.”

Annette is the one who reaches out, squeezing Felix’s hand so tightly he almost doesn’t feel the needle go through his earlobe. It stings a little, and his heartbeat is in his ear, but his panic mode shields him from way more than he’d like, what with the stud already in his earlobe when Annette lets go and the piercing woman nudging the mirror back into his hand. Felix looks.

“Do you like it?” the woman asks.

The stud is a simple thing, silvery, probably made of titan, and inset with a blue glass stone cut to look like a gem. “It’s nice,” he says, because he’s unable to summon stronger words for a stranger.

“Aye… Glad you like it.” The woman stands up and removes her gloves. “Your lady friend said you had something you wanted customized in our little workshop, aye?”

Right. Felix digs around for the paper bag and picks up the sword by its chain. “Can you fit this with a… whatever so it’ll go through the ear?”

The woman holds out her hand, so Felix carefully places the charm in it. Lifting her hand to her face, the woman says, “Aye. Want to keep the chain?”

“If possible.”

The woman steps close to Felix and holds the charm by the far end of the chain against Felix’s ear. “I’d remove some links or the thing’s going to chafe against your shoulder.”

Felix’s eyes flit to Annette. “What do you say?”

Stepping around them to get a better view, Annette takes a measuring look. “I agree. It’s too long like this.”

Looking back at the piercing woman, Felix says, “All right, do it.”

“Aye, aye.” She removes her hand, the charm spread over her palm. “It should be ready for you to pick up by Friday.”

“I’m not in town on Friday.”

The woman shrugs. “We’ll put an order number on it, aye? And you keep that and come pick it up whenever you’re back.” She tilts her head. “Or do you need it before Friday? Because you shouldn’t remove the stud before the wound’s healed.”

“How long will it take?”

“Three to four weeks, give or take.”

Late April. “Okay. I’ll pick it up next week then.”

“Good.” The woman grins. She walks Felix and Annette back to the first room, Felix pays, and he leaves together with Annette.

“I hope you’re proud of yourself,” she chats at him as soon as the door closes behind them. “You didn’t even faint!”

“It didn’t hurt.” Only a tiny bit.

“When I was with these guys on the phone, they told me men regularly faint because they can’t live up to their tough acts.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really!”

They round several corners until they reach another place Annette recommended: a small restaurant specializing in stew and soup. It’s even what the place is called: _Grandma’s Ladle_. Yeah, definitely not a place Felix would ever think of hitting.

The furniture inside appears to have been salvaged from either an antiques shop or from a museum. It looks homely, and while Felix never really got to spend time with the one grandmother he had as a toddler and then died at the ripe old age of 62, one year before her retirement (untimely deaths being a common theme in his family), he bets his grandmother’s house looked just like here. Maybe it even is the old house, repurposed into a restaurant.

Every other customer, every single one of them, has gray hair and wrinkles. Annette and Felix stick out like a sore thumb. Even the personnel looks old enough to have been contemporaries of Faerghus’s last king.

At least they’re fast, and ask no redundant questions like, “What did you say?” or worse, “Can you repeat that? I can’t hear you, hon.”

While Felix goes with a spicy stew promising fish, turnips, and spices native to Dagda, Annette picks some cream soup that likely tastes more sweet than salty or spicy. At least she’s sensible and goes with sparkling water as beverage, too.

As soon as Annette deems them free of people overhearing them (which should pose no problem), she says, “Now tell me all about your weekend.” She rests her chin on interlinked fingers and smiles with faux innocence.

“There’s not much to say.”

“No lying!” Annette’s heel connects with the tip of Felix’s shoe under the table. “Your poor attempt at hiding your love marks doesn’t work on me.”

Felix fastens his scarf once more, teeth grinding. “So what? Sylvain and I had sex.”

“Lots of it by your looks.”

Felix can’t stop his cheeks from flaring, but he can gnash his teeth some more. “Yes.”

“Was it good?”

“Seiros, yes!” Felix bites the inside of his cheek when the first few gramps turn their heads. “At first he was clumsy because I’m his first, uh… lover with certain anatomy.”

Annette sighs, unlacing one hand and resting her head on the palm of the other. “That’s so romantic!”

“How?”

“I mean it’s not his first time but it sort of counts, doesn’t it?” Annette positively glows. “You better be together now.”

“We are.”

“Good! And, is he as shredded in real life as on the photo or is it doctored?”

“Men never look like this except for when they’ve been starving and dehydrating themselves on purpose.”

Annette deflates. “Which means no.”

“It means you can see his abs to some extent but they’re not as pronounced. The rest is easily visible.”

Both beverages and food arrive. Annette thanks the waitress with enough vigor to give Felix a pass. Turning back to Felix, she takes a sip from her water. “The tattoo?”

“All there.”

“Yes, yes, but does it look good?”

“It’s well-done. Vibrant colors. Great contrasts.”

Annette nods along. “And what did you do all weekend long? Aside from partaking in the carnal pleasures.”

Felix hides his flushing face behind his clear glass of equally clear water. Yeah, fat chance it’ll work. “We half-watched a movie. We went to a music store. He played the piano and the flute for me. And we visited the Fhirdiad Aquarium. I bought him ice cream after.”

“Aw, the aquarium! That’s so romantic.”

“It was nice but then he started with his ‘cool shark facts’, most of which weren’t cool but disturbing.”

“Oh no.” Annette takes a sip from her cream soup, her face instantly lighting up another notch. The smell of Felix’s own stew intensifies at the sight, and he fills his empty stomach. “But you still like him.”

“Of course. I just like talking to him. And he listens. He _understands_ me on an intimate level.” Felix stirs around in his stew with his spoon. He’d like to add that he’s been missing this for years, that he’d robbed himself of any meaningful human connection, and how good it feels to have friends again. Friends who care and who want to spend time with him, even ask him of their own volition. But he doesn’t know Annette that well, and he doesn’t need to poison her cheerful disposition with the cruelty he had to live through. So what he settles on is simply, “And I believe it’s the same the other way around.”

“Just make sure you don’t turn into each other’s garbage bins, so to speak.” Annette heaves a sigh. “That’s one of the worst things that can happen.”

“You speak from experience?”

“Unfortunately. But let’s not talk about that!”

“Okay.” They pass a few minutes in silence, only slurping and drinking. Then Felix remembers. “I saw your video.”

“Which one?” Annette’s grin betrays her feigned ignorance.

“Your Queen cover. Singalong. Whatever.”

Annette’s grin broadens. “And? Did you like it?”

“Sylvain saw it first. He’s one of your subscribers, apparently.” No need to tell her that Felix is one, too. “I didn’t tell him but the shoutout at the beginning clued him in.”

“That’s why I did it!” Annette folds her hands. “Now tell me if you liked it!”

“I did.” It’s in Felix’s playlist. He’s listened to it several times now, and when he’s sure Cat is asleep, he hums along under the shower. “Do you know Sylvain sings, too?”

“He does? Show me!”

“He’s apparently never recorded anything.”

“Aw, bummer.” Annette clears her bowl of soup. “Wait, does this mean he sang for you in person?”

“Yeah. He usually sings stupid things.” Felix wants to roll his eyes at the memory of the enormous penis song. This was such a Sylvain pick. “But he’s talented or gifted or whatever.”

“Whenever you introduce the two of us, we’re gonna sing something together!”

First Dimitri, now Annette, too? Dimitri’s curiosity is something Felix can understand—they’ve known each other forever, and Dimitri’s been concerned-slash-jealous for a while now. However, Annette? It’s not like they ever really talked, much less have known each other for a long time. Here she is because Dimitri thought she’d be the best pick for the stupid video ad in the making, because she and Ashe hit it off right from the start, because Ashe took her with her when he was hanging out with Felix, and now Annette’s taken an interest in being friends with him as well.

It’s not like Felix is complaining. Hell, he’s doing better than he has for years! It’s just… it’s the years thing, yeah. He’s not used to this anymore, to being cared about, to people taking an active interest in his life. Annette doesn’t even seem to mind Felix keeps steering the conversation back to Sylvain (well, she started it to be completely honest), as though there’s nothing else Felix is able to talk about.

“You need to ask him,” Felix says, already imagining Annette and Sylvain in a duet he secretly records on his phone, “although I doubt he’d say no at the chance to show off.”

“Is he like this? A braggart?”

“He likes impressing pretty women.”

Annette grins. “Not sure if this is a compliment but I’ll take it.”

Felix finishes his meal in silence. No use telling Annette that yes, he thinks she’s pretty, and that if things had been different—way different, different universe different—he may well have found himself wanting to date her. Annette is open with him, she’s made sure Felix knows she’s interested in pursuing their blossoming friendship, and the dimples showing when she smiles or laughs are cute.

Anyway.

“We’re going to meet again this weekend,” Felix says.

“Oh, I was just about to ask!”

“He was here last weekend and the first time we met we walked around town, so it’s my turn to visit him.”

Annette nods along again. “What about Cat the cat?”

“What about her?”

“You’re not telling me you’re going to leave her alone, are you?”

“No!” Felix’s eyebrows draw down. “I drop her off at this cat hotel whenever I’m out of town.”

Annette sighs with relief. “If you were still looking for someone I would take her in for the weekend, too.”

This is an offer Felix certainly didn’t expect. “You still can if you want to.”

“Oh, really?” Annette claps her hands together, a big smile on her face. “I’d be delighted! And I need to tell Ashe ASAP.”

At this rate, Felix is wondering if he’ll be able to pick Cat up without issues come Sunday evening. “Okay.”

“I’m so excited already. Cat is so nice!”

Felix shrugs. “I got her from the animal shelter.”

“Lucky. You never know what you’ll end up with.” Annette finishes the rest of her soup in record time. “Now anyway, back to topic! Sylvain lives out of town?”

“In Itha. In the woods, apparently. He has a dog.”

“Aw! Do you have pictures?”

Yes, Felix does, but he has no idea where exactly they are in the steady stream of pictures Sylvain supplies him with. “I’ll look for one when I’m home.”

“Make sure you won’t forget!”

“I won’t.” Felix empties his glass of water. “Do you have pets?”

“No. Well, my mom has chickens so I grew up with these, but ever since I moved out I’ve been on my own, so to speak. I wouldn’t say no to a cat or a small dog in the long run, though.” Annette sighs. “I wish I had a backyard for bunnies. They’re so cute!”

Felix shows tact by not letting Annette in that people domesticated hares for their meat. “I guess. It just feels better not to be completely alone, you know?”

“Yes!”

“There’s someone waiting for you, even if it’s just your cat screeching at you for having not fed her in the past ten hours because you were busy at work.”

“Aw…!” Annette laughs. “I’ll make sure Cat won’t have anything to complain about in my care.”

“Good.”

Annette nods once again. She empties her glass, then says, “I still have to go over some learning level recommendation reports.”

“This late in the year?”

“You know how parents are. Their child is always especially smart and willing to sit down and study, even when the grades speak a different story.”

“I see.”

“Mhm. So if it’s not any problem to you, I’d like to pay and be on my way.” Annette gives a wry smile. “We can catch up next week again? Or the one after. I heard rumors of the next movie night.”

These have yet to reach Felix. And anyway, his short term goal is seeing Sylvain on the weekend. Beyond that he can’t bring himself to care a lot. “Sounds good.”

They pay, and outside, Annette talks Felix into a tight hug goodbye.

* * *

It’s a good thing Felix didn’t look at his phone in search of a picture of Lex when he was with Annette because Sylvain texted him in the meantime. This wouldn’t be a problem under old normal circumstances, but the new normal is something Felix still has to adjust to, so seeing this string of texts in particular makes his heart beat fast and pump his blood everywhere (special care taken to supply his cheeks and his groin).

 **Sylvain:** Im gonna go grocery shopping after work

 **Sylvain:** And since im not in town often i want to stock up

 **Sylvain:** So 2 questions:

 **Sylvain:** 1: Anything in particular u need / want?

 **Sylvain:** 2: What size condoms should i get u?

 **Sylvain:** Also which brand do u prefer?

Saints. _Goddess_. Felix wishes he could stay calm and composed about this, but the messages have him walk off energy his body is supposed to spend healing his earlobe instead. The obvious implication of Sylvain’s most recent messages has Felix’s mind reeling and going into overdrive. Sylvain is asking for anal. Fingering only? They should take it slow, explore. There’s time. There should be time, anyway, as Felix quit smoking and has the best work-life-balance he’s had in a few years right now.

Sitting down hard and causing Cat to retreat from the sofa into the kitchen, Felix reads through the messages again, forcing himself to stay the fuck calm. No matter what, Sylvain’s going to be gone for a while if he’ll do most of his groceries in a few minutes, and Felix wanted to go out and run around Fhirdiad State for at least 40 minutes. He doesn’t want a hard-on for this.

 **Felix:** I’ll eat what you have at your place already. Don’t need extras

 **Felix:** Standard size is fine

 **Felix:** Latex or polyisoprene

 **Felix:** Also get silicone based lubricant

 **Felix:** And make absolutely sure your ass is clean

 **Felix:** I don’t want your literal shit anywhere on me

While Felix wants to wait for Sylvain’s reaction, he wants to leave and run just as much. Killing time by feeding Cat and getting changed passes enough minutes for Sylvain to have replied.

 **Sylvain:** Perfect timing

 **Sylvain:** I just got out of the car

 **Sylvain:** Ill heed all ur instructions!

 **Sylvain:** Ttyl?

 **Felix:** Yes

 **Sylvain:** Ur still here! HUG UNTIL IM BACK

 **Felix:** I’m going for a run now and shower afterwards. Then we can talk all evening

 **Sylvain:** ILL HOLD U TO THAT BABE

Felix rolls his eyes. The day he cleanses Sylvain’s vocabulary from the ‘babe’s and ‘baby’s is one he will dedicate annual offerings to. Leaving him on read is Felix’s way of punishing Sylvain for the moment. The sexual excitement is gone for now, too, although it’s like to come back stronger later. Whatever. The now matters, too.

Grabbing his keys, Felix says, “I’ll try to be back in an hour,” and leaves Cat to guard the condo.

* * *

Hot showers are the best. Today’s protein shake with pomegranate was a mistake, however, since Felix looks like he committed murder with his bare hands, and this after his shower. Also, pricking the seeds free took a lifetime. He should’ve bought the frozen arils instead of going for fresh fruit. And to top it off, the shake doesn’t even taste all that great. Like most of them, this one’s a tad too sweet.

Hands scrubbed clean, Felix makes himself comfortable on his sofa. Just nine minutes ago, Sylvain texted him last. They even get their schedules to align, huh.

 **Sylvain:** Im back home

 **Sylvain:** Got everything u asked for and more

 **Felix:** Please no surprises

As expected, Sylvain replies immediately.

 **Sylvain:** No no!!! I didnt buy anything funny or so

 **Sylvain:** Only things i think we both like

 **Sylvain:** I can take a pic of the receipt

 **Felix:** No need

 **Felix:** I trust you

 **Sylvain:** :) Thank u

 **Felix:** We talked about this

 **Sylvain:** Still

 **Sylvain:** I get y it doesnt come easy

 **Felix:** Just continue being good to me

 **Sylvain:** Im trying my best!

 **Sylvain:** Also y r we texting?

 **Sylvain:** Im gonna call

Felix doesn’t get to voice his opinion on the matter. His phone rings immediately after he read the message. Good thing he wants to hear Sylvain’s voice in turn. Checking to make sure he isn’t being jumped with a video call again, Felix picks up. “Hi,” he says.

“He-ey. How are we today?”

“I’m good.” Felix’s free hand touches his freshly-pierced earlobe. He won’t ruin the surprise by telling Sylvain already. “Stupid day ahead of me, though. I may be stuck in meetings all afternoon.”

“Sounds like it sucks. Maybe I’ll work more tomorrow, too, then, and have more time for everything else on Friday.”

“No all-nighters anymore.”

Sylvain laughs. “Sure, I’ll pull an all-nighter tomorrow, then sleep through the whole weekend and have you nurse me.”

“No.” There’s more productive things Felix can see himself spend his weekends on. Like sleep through the whole thing himself. And then he ends up at the image of Sylvain curling up against and around him, his body heating Felix, their limbs entangled, and this makes him curse his previous reply.

Sylvain, thankfully, simply laughs. “You sound convinced.”

“I am,” Felix lies.

“Fair enough.” Sylvain sighs. “How was your day?”

“Good. Hung out with Annette after work.”

“I’m a little jealous.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “Don’t make _me_ jealous.”

Sylvain laughs again, full and rich and beautiful. Felix smiles and scratches Cat, who’s just jumped up onto his lap, behind her ears. “This isn’t my intention!”

“Good. Anyway, she wants to meet you eventually. Oh, and so does my boss. He’s very invested in… all this.” Felix sighs.

“I know, I know. Well, you can tell him I’d like to get to know him, too. After all, I’ve heard so much about him already!”

“Let’s give ourselves a few more weeks and then we’ll see. Okay?”

“You’re the expert here, so yes. Sure.” Sylvain sounds like he’s smiling. It looks good, so in Felix’s mind he does.

“By the way, how are you? How was your day?” Felix puts Sylvain on speaker to pet Cat properly with both hands. Her light purrs grow louder.

“Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Well, I got a few sign-ups for lessons so I’ll start giving them again. Pushed them all onto Mondays and Tuesdays because no one ever comes in then for some reason?” Sylvain chuckles. “Anyway, I’m doing fantastic. And on the subject of curious friends, Doro won’t shut up about my newfound…romantic feelings.” Sylvain clears his throat, and his voice drops to a lower register. “For a man. With a lot of ‘I told you so’s and, oh saints, she made this playlist? And sung over it.”

“What playlist?”

“I’m not sure you want to hear it but basically she barged in and had this song on. It went like,” Sylvain hums and begins to sing, “It’s okay to be gay, let’s rejoice with the boys in a gay way,” and he cracks up in the middle of it. Felix isn’t sure whether he’s supposed to laugh or cry or cringe, and Sylvain goes on, his ability hampered by his own giggles. “Hurray for the kind of man that you will find in the gay way.”

“Seiros.” Even Cat folds her ears back.

“Yeah, I figured you don’t listen to this crap.”

“You’re right, I don’t.”

Sylvain hums happily. “Guess I know you really well by now.”

“Mhm.” Felix twirls a strand of his hair around a finger, then lets it go. It’d be weird if he ended up with a single curl tomorrow. “How did Ingrid react?”

“Oh, she’s confused?” Sylvain laughs uncertainly. “It’s hard for her to wrap her head around the fact that, in her words, I ‘claim’ to be in a loving, doting relationship.”

“With me, a man.”

“Believe it or not, that’s not the problem.” In Felix’s mind, Sylvain combs his hair back with a hand only for it to fall back into place just as messily. “I more or less cried my heart out to her once I realized I could, you know, be more than just fond of the friendship?”

“This is cute in a weird way.”

“Aw, gimme a break! I didn’t know what it was I was feeling. And—” Felix can’t hold back his laughter. “What?”

“Just the idea of you, being a self-proclaimed ladykiller, not having the slightest inkling what it’d feel like to be on the receiving end for once.”

“C’mon, don’t phrase it like I walked into a trap. I like this. With you.”

Felix smiles. Cat purrs. “Good.”

“Mhm, I like you, too.” Sylvain sighs softly. Something sounds from his end, and then he strums a guitar. Felix’s heart picks up. Another impromptu concert? Better yet, the song Sylvain promised to work on (and with no need to hold back now, it can only end up epic)? He strums a few chords, then says, “Gimme a sec. This is one of the first songs I learned to play on the guitar and I sorta forgot how it went.”

A pang of disappointment spreads through Felix’s chest. He should stop getting his hopes up simply because this crush-turned-in-love business worked out fine. So far.

And then Sylvain sings, voice deeper than usual. The moment it clicks, Felix finds himself wanting to hurl his phone from his balcony straight into the office of some unsuspecting fool. “You can tell the world you never was my beau. You can burn my clothes up when I’m gone. You can tell your friends just what a fool I’ve been, and laugh and joke about me on the phone. You can tell my arms, ‘Go back to the farm.’ You can tell my feet to hit the floor. Or you can tell my lips to tell my fingertips. They won’t be reaching out for you no more.” The lame sing-song rhythm and melody of the song are boring Felix already. He’s one line away from knowing where he’s heard that song before—and here it comes: “But don’t tell my heart, my achy-breaky heart. I just don’t think he’d understand.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Sylvain goes on, unperturbed. “And if you tell my heart, my achy-breaky heart, he might blow up and kill this man.”

“Stop, asshole. I hate this song.”

Sylvain stops, thank the saints. He can’t keep from playing a final pentatonic scale to finish this song off with, but then he shuffles around and Felix prays the instrument and cause of his most recent pain has been banished. “Aw, c’mon! It’s a classic!”

“It still sucks.”

Sylvain sniffles. “Well, all right.”

“I got war flashbacks from that shitty video.”

“What’s shitty about it?”

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even strum his guitar all the time. Which doesn’t matter since his fugly mullet steals the whole show anyway.” Cat folds her ears back at Felix’s continued agitation. He pushes at her back and she leaves him for a more pacific cushion.

Sylvain gasps. Felix wishes he could see his face and determine whether it was fake or real. “Not raised with heavy metal and mullets?”

“Not with mullets. They’ve always been ugly.”

“Yeah, okay. Wanna take an educated guess what my brother’s haircut was?”

“Oh no.”

“Oh, yes.” Felix can picture the grin accompanying Sylvain’s tone perfectly. “It didn’t look that 90s, but it was still a mullet.”

“My brother had long hair. Cut most of it off eventually—”

“Is this a Fraldarius thing? Really nice, long hair?”

“My dad’s was only shoulder-length.”

“‘Only’. My dad’s is short. All business, no fun.”

“No mullet.”

“Nope. Although it’d look weird.” Sylvain whispers. “He’s going gray, and by that I mean that apart from the odd strand here and there, he’s white.”

“How old is he?” While a few stray hairs of gray were showing in the hair of Felix’s dad, his beard had lost its color already.

“Uh, he’s 72.”

“Oh.” Wow. “I thought he was, I don’t know, younger?” Felix’s dad would’ve been in his early sixties by now.

Sylvain laughs. “There’s one reason he wants me to speedrun through a relationship and make babies. Well, one I can comprehend. He’s old.”

“Good luck making babies with me.”

Sylvain giggles. “Psst, he doesn’t need to know we use protection anyway.”

Rolling his eyes, Felix says, “As if he knows about us.”

“Yeah… he doesn’t. And I hope you’re not sad I’m not going to introduce you anytime soon. Or, well, tell my parents about this.”

“Take your time.” Felix leans back and lets himself be swallowed by his sofa’s upholstery (well, not really, but he imagines he leaves quite a dent in it even if he doesn’t). That he’s not keen to meet Sylvain’s parents at all is something he swallows back because he feels like he’s walking on thinner ice than usual and really, this is a subject he doesn’t want to breach anyway.

“Thanks.” Sylvain sighs and breathes and hums, not saying anything for a long time. And Felix? He listens to the little noises Sylvain makes, projected through his whole living room.

Closing his eyes, he imagines Sylvain next to him. Oh, well. It’s time for this again, isn’t it? Eyes open again, walking on tip-toes, Felix sneaks into his bedroom and fetches Sylvain’s hoodie to wrap himself in his smell. Fitted out like this, Felix can relax back into his sofa’s upholstery with Sylvain on the forefront of his imagination.

There’s some clatter, a spoon against glass, and Sylvain says, “Bring your running shoes.”

“Hm?” Felix blinks. He was nodding off.

“When you come visit this weekend. Bring your running shoes.”

Stifling a yawn, Felix rubs his eyes. “I’ll try not to forget.”

“I checked out the forecast again. They are really undecided! Depending on which app you ask, it’s either supposed to be really foggy or sunny over the weekend. Let’s cross our fingers and light a candle to the Goddess to make extra sure we get the sun.”

“I’m not pious.”

“Neither am I but what can it hurt? Maybe it’ll earn us this one extra point because we never do anything else for Her.” Sylvain chuckles, his spoon again clinking against glass. “By the way, you sound really groggy. Sleepy.”

“I’m tired. Long day.”

“I could make a pun like, ‘Let me rock you to sleep’,” Sylvain says around something—likely food—in his mouth.

“No. I can go myself.”

“All righty. Don’t forget to light a candle tomorrow evening! I will.”

“Just remind me.”

“Sure thing! Also, have a hug and kiss goodnight, Fe.”

“You, too. Sleep well. And, uh, enjoy your whatever you’re eating.”

Sylvain chuckles. “Yoghurt!”

“Yes, this.”

“Anyway, thank you.” Sylvain makes a kissy noise and Felix hangs up, hands going to his face immediately after. The way his fingers brush against his lips is pure coincidence, as is the way Felix hugs himself tightly in Sylvain’s jacket.


	29. Day 65

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I know I say this every few chapters, I can't express in any other way how grateful I am for your unending support <3 Thank you so much for making the four digits! Over a thousand kudos is an unbelievable milestone for me, and getting these on top of 260+ subscriptions and 160+ bookmarks (and counting), AND all the wonderful comments you leave? Can't wrap my head around it. You guys are awesome. Thank you for making my day again and again <3

Booking a ticket for first class was such a smart decision Felix has to pat himself on the shoulder for it (figuratively, of course; there are onlookers): He has more space, he has WiFi, he can charge his laptop, and he can work through some of his tasks from here. He can stream Annette’s channel, too, and only catches himself humming along a single time. Either none of the other first class passengers noticed, or they didn’t care. Most of them sleep in their seats anyway, or work like he does.

Then the info board reads out an arrival at Itha West in three minutes, and Felix scrambles to pack away his laptop and grab his bag in time. He hurries to the doors and curses his own inexperience at riding trains, because the thing takes forever to come to a stop and open its doors, and anyway, it stays in the fucking station for at least five minutes with the doors open.

Not that Felix has much capacity left for noticing.

As soon as he steps out, he hears a bark deep enough that it could be Lex. He turns his head, and there he is, sitting but his tail sweeping to and fro on the ground. A blonde woman—Ingrid—holds his leash while Sylvain takes uncertain steps in Felix’s general direction. Then he spots him and closes the remaining distance in a run. He gathers up Felix in a hug so tight it threatens to crush Felix’s lungs, and he even lifts him off the ground to hold him closer.

“I missed holding you,” Sylvain whispers when Felix is firmly back on his feet and can return the embrace. “The wait was excruciating.”

“How old are you again?” Felix asks, whispering as well. Truth be told, he himself feels 14 all over, as though this is the first time he’s experiencing such strong, vivid emotions. And, well, according to himself, Sylvain _is_ going through this for the first time. Felix unwinds his arms from around Sylvain to hold his face and kiss him.

Sylvain responds in kind, humming and chuckling, one hand tightening around Felix’s back, the other tangling in his open hair to cup the back of his head. With no idea how long they’re kissing—they have to catch up on four missed days, after all—the loud departure of the train jolts Felix. Sylvain laughs and steps away as much as Felix’s hands allow him to.

Trailing his fingers along Sylvain’s jaw and matching the way it feels with his memory, Felix retracts his fingers. He takes a step back himself even if he wants to breathe in Sylvain’s spicy smell a little longer, have his warmth heat up his body, feel safe and secure like a fucking wimp in his arms. But Felix wants to look and appreciate, too.

For starters, Sylvain got a haircut, if you can call it that. It’s not different, it’s just a little shorter and still long enough for Felix to rake his fingers through and pull, still long enough to tie it together to watch everything but a small section in the end fall out. Mhm, this is something Felix is going to try this weekend. His wrist tingles where his hair tie is wrapped around it.

Anyway, moving on. Sylvain’s wearing a baggy, red hoodie that complements his hair and hides all of his bulk, as well as just as baggy sweat pants that for some reason end on his calves and leave the bottom parts of his legs exposed. If Felix has to wager a guess, he’s not even wearing socks inside his sneakers. Which is why the second thing Felix says to him today is, “Aren’t you cold?”

“I’m never cold. Or, to phrase this positively,” Sylvain puts on his shit-eating grin, “I’m always hot.” Felix rolls his eyes, causing Sylvain to snicker. “C’mon, let’s go. Lex is going to whine in a second if we ignore him any longer.”

As if on cue, the dog howls as soon as they turn around. The back of Sylvain’s hand knocks against Felix’s, but he’d rather support his bag with it. The strap around his body is fine even if it cuts into his shoulder, but his laptop inside, cushioned by his clothes to be safe, mustn’t be damaged. “I brought a treat.”

“Aw, you went out of your way to buy dog treats? Just for my boy?”

“I hope he likes them. They were expensive.”

Sylvain laughs. “He’d eat out of a garbage can if you let him.”

“My emotional support poop machine is trained!” Felix says in the worst, most cranky imitation of Sylvain he can muster. The gasp coming from next to him is worth it. The confused, questioning look on Ingrid’s face? Felix can’t tell.

Lex whines in earnest now, standing up and putting all the energy he isn’t allowed to use for straining against his leash into wagging his tail. Amidst the confusion of Ingrid saying, “Hi,” and Sylvain, “So, uh, I guess I’m gonna introduce you two,” and Lex’s continued whining, Felix drops into a crouch and gives the dog the ear and chin scratches he deserves. Sneaking one hand into his jacket pocket, Felix pulls free the dog treat he placed there before leaving, and lets Lex slobber up his hand to eat it.

Standing back up, Felix wipes his hand on his pants. Sylvain clears his throat. One of his hands is clasping the back of his neck. “So, Imma try this once more. Don’t steal the show again, dog.” Sylvain nods his head towards Ingrid. “This is Ingrid, my BFF. Or my sister from another mother.” Sylvain frowns. He should’ve talked about himself if he wanted to keep the rhyme intact.

Putting on an amiable smile, Ingrid again says, “Hi. And you must be Felix, the boyfriend.”

“Yeah.” He holds out his clean hand, and Ingrid squeezes it shortly. This is awkward. No one told him he’d be the first one to be introduced to other people.

“Whatever you’re doing to Sylvain, keep doing it,” she goes on. “Also, kick his ass if he’s starting to be obnoxious.”

“Oh, I will.” Felix smirks. If this is how it goes, he’ll like Ingrid a great deal. Especially since Sylvain let him in she’s a fellow ‘meat aficionado’.

Ingrid steps around Felix, giving him a once-over. He wants to step closer to Sylvain to be shielded, and he wants to show he’s not a little sissy who needs someone bigger and older to hold his hand as though he’s a three-year-old. “Huh. I knew Sylvain’s tastes are… varied, but men is new.”

“And so are actual relationships, from what I’ve heard.”

“Yes. I’d be careful if I were you. You don’t deserve his assholery.” Ingrid sighs and rolls her eyes at some no doubt wonderful memories. “You listening?” She turns to Sylvain who’s looking on with big, innocent eyes. “I don’t want to clean up this mess, too.” Turning back to Felix, Ingrid says, “And like I said, don’t be afraid to give him a piece of your mind, or rather five of them? If he starts acting up. He’s whiny.”

“Can you, like, not talk shit about me when I’m standing right next to you?” Sylvain whines.

Ingrid makes a dismissive gesture and ignores Sylvain. “If push comes to shove, just come to me. Or call me. I’m used to his antics.”

Felix musters what hopefully passes for a smile. “Thanks, but I can deal with him myself.”

“Yeah, you have the air of someone who doesn’t take shit. Just don’t start because you’re going soft on him.”

Well, if Ingrid is one thing, she’s harsh in her judgment. Sylvain is still his own person with his own life. “I’ll manage.”

Ingrid nods, her expression softening. The smile suits her much better than her stern scolding face. “I hope this works out well, for both of your sakes. Sylvain has been much more balanced in the past few weeks than ever before. Even if he was really getting on my nerves starting on late Sunday evening because apparently he can’t go to sleep without you anymore.”

“I’m still standing here,” Sylvain announces himself again. Felix leans in Sylvain’s direction to bump his shoulder against somewhere he doesn’t see because he didn’t turn, but somewhere on Sylvain’s body. Sylvain drops to his knees in front of Lex and, in a high-pitched register making Sylvain’s voice crack, he says, “Come and console papa.” The dog’s ears prick forward and he gets up to push his head against Sylvain’s chest. “I’m being bullied.”

Leaning down a bit, Felix rests a hand on one of Sylvain’s shoulders. “You’re the baby here.”

Ingrid laughs. It suits her, too. “I see you know how to handle Syl. Well.” She heaves Sylvain up and hands him Lex’s leash. “I gotta go now. You two have fun and stay safe.” She squeezes Sylvain’s shoulder, only to be pulled into a hug by him.

“Get home safe,” he whispers. Felix watches their display of obvious affection, and for the first time experiences something akin to jealousy. He never had a best friend who was there for him all his life, and then he feels shitty at thinking this because before he lost Glenn and, for a time, Dimitri, Felix was anything but alone. Well, let him be jealous at not having someone to call his brother anymore. Such an intimate relationship has to be forged over years, and Felix feels like he’s too old for it now, like he passed some crucial step or point, like he should have started worrying about when it had been a nonissue since he had a fucking brother anyway.

So watching the two, Felix fails to register anything but what his eyes tell him: Ingrid says something more, turns to Felix, raises one arm, and for some reason doesn’t go for the hug but smiles (somewhat strained) and waves. Felix somehow manages to wave back. Then Ingrid turns and, hopping over the border stones, exits the small station platform, vanishing behind the empty station house.

Only when she’s gone does Felix feel the pressure on his shoulder. He steps away from Sylvain and swats at his falling hand. “Felix,” Sylvain says, tone serious, worried. “Are you all right?”

“Yes.”

“Sure?”

“I went down some weird road in my head, and zoned out. I’m back now. Okay?”

“Okay.” Sylvain’s fingers are back on Felix’s shoulders. “Please tell me how I can help you.”

“You can’t with this.”

“It’s not about Ingrid?”

“No, don’t worry. She seems like someone I can start liking, in time.”

Sylvain chuckles. “I thought for a second you were gonna say ‘tolerate’. Which would be fine, too.”

“Don’t try to shit me.” Felix shifts his weight. The way the strap of his bag bites into his shoulder is starting to irritate him. Here’s to hoping Sylvain picks him up with his car and does not seriously walk around town like this. “Counting me, you have a grand total of three friends. Of course you’d want them to get along and like each other.”

Sylvain sighs. “See, you are smart.” He tugs on Lex’s leash. “Want to get going?”

“The way you’re dressed, you should spend as little time in public as possible. So: yes.”

Sylvain gasps halfway through Felix’s statement. “What’s so bad about it?” He starts walking, so Felix falls into step beside him.

“You look like you just fell out of bed.”

“One: You know I usually sleep naked. Two: I was at work like this!”

“Please tell me no one saw you.”

“You may not understand, office worker, but these clothes are comfortable.”

“They are, frankly, a testament of indifference towards—”

“Office fashion.”

Felix rolls his eyes, even if Sylvain isn’t looking at him right now. They are walking in the opposite direction Ingrid picked, and Felix doesn’t miss how Sylvain drags him and Lex (the latter to his absolute delight) through the mud. Does he want to get his clothes dirty on purpose? “It’s got something to do with outward perception. If you want people to take you seriously, you have to look serious.”

Sylvain shrugs. “Do you have a dress code?”

“No, but if you work with clients, or try to leave a good impression on your colleagues, you don’t wear sweat pants.” Exposing your ankles like you’re a fair lady in the 19th century trying to act scandalous, no less.

“They’re comfy, though.”

“Most office fashion is all right if you pick the right brands.”

“I have yet to see you wear a dress shirt in your free time.” Sylvain smirks smugly.

“Then you’ll be surprised once I take off my jacket.”

Sylvain half-gasps, half-mutters, “Oh saints have mercy.” Seiros, has he been fantasizing about this? Then again, Felix will happily see Sylvain’s dreams fulfilled. He follows him silently and watches Lex tug on the leash until Sylvain lets him go. The dog runs down a steep hill and laps greedily at a dirty creek, before returning with mud-caked paws. “Aw, you can’t get into the car like this.”

“Look at your own shoes.”

Sylvain does. The formerly white toe part and soles of the sneakers are now brown. “Whoops.” Sylvain turns around to look at Felix’s shoes, which aren’t as dirty, but could do with some scrubbing. “I’ve had better ideas.”

“Yes.”

“No use beating around the bush, huh?”

“Nope. So, will we go to your place directly?”

“That was the idea. Or do you still need something?”

“I hope not.” Felix takes a breath and with it, Sylvain’s hand in his own. It’s hot, and while Sylvain makes a happy noise deep in his chest, his mouth curls into a smile and his fingers around Felix’s. “Let’s go.”

“Impatient, huh?”

“Maybe.” And excited. Felix’s heart is beating fast for several reasons.

* * *

The car ride takes longer than Felix anticipated, with Sylvain eventually passing through most of the village he officially lives in. It’s rural and sleepy, the houses are small and homely. It’s different from the bustle of Fhirdiad, quiet and inviting. Felix wasn’t aware he carried such a romantic longing in him. Now he doesn’t want to go back to his dreary reality already, and he’s still on his way away from it. Sylvain turns into a street to their left that goes uphill forever and ends in the woods already, then he follows a path cut through the trees, a path that doesn’t even have these nasty cobblestones to fix it, only some pebbles to guide the way. It even lacks some form of guardrail, giving Felix’s heart additional reasons to pump fast as he looks out of the passenger’s side window and down a steep hill with tall trees sticking out of it like bristles.

“I get what you mean by creepy murder den,” he mutters, interrupting Sylvain’s humming along to the music.

“You haven’t even seen it yet!”

“You live at the ass end of the world.”

“I used to live at the ass end of Faerghus. Now I’m, like, in the bowels.”

“Disgusting.”

Sylvain laughs. “It’s nice here! Also,” he makes a sharp whistle sound, “we’re here.” Sylvain puts the car in reverse and backs up to a gate behind which lies a garage. “You can already get out of you want to.”

Felix grabs his bag and exits the car. Sylvain walks around the other side of it, whistling while Lex’s whines sound from the car trunk. Sylvain opens the gate for his car and Felix takes the chance to slip onto his property.

It’s not quite terraced, a pathway laid out with big stones winding its way down a gentle slope while trees, bushes, and shrubs adorn either side of it. The sunlight streams in and washes the whole place in bright hues so saturated Felix narrows his eyes to a squint. Rounding a corner, Felix finds the house, wooden, proud, a warm brown hue Felix knows from Sylvain’s eyes, just as inviting. He has no idea how long he just stands there and appreciates it—the way the reddish shingles catch the light, the windows large enough to let the interior be flooded with sunshine, the general lack of grandeur a small house can only offer while looking comfortable and inviting at the same time.

Eventually, Lex comes hurtling down the pathway, passing Felix to run around in the yard Felix hasn’t even seen yet. Then Sylvain’s there, too, and rests one hand against Felix’s waist.

It takes a deep breath for Felix to decide that yes, he can be soft today (especially since he already bitched) and lean into Sylvain. He’s pulled into an embrace from behind, both of Sylvain’s hands linking on his belly, Sylvain’s face nuzzling Felix’s neck. The way his lips brush against Felix’s exposed skin makes him chuckle. “How much did you miss me?” he asks.

“Too much.” Sylvain presses a kiss to Felix’s neck. “That’s what Ingrid says.”

“If it’s any consolation, I missed you too.” Felix touches a hand to Sylvain’s, causing the other man to fucking gurgle like a happy baby. “Show me around. Where do you want to put your tree house?”

Sighing, Sylvain lets go of Felix. “You can leave your bag on the terrace, or I can unlock the house for you. Or carry it.”

“House is best.”

Sylvain snatches one of Felix’s hands and walks him around the house to the front door, set into the side overlooking the backyard. Is it still a backyard then? A small terrace invites one to spend summers in the front perch of the house. “I hope you’ll like it,” Sylvain says, voice wavery, as his keys jingle. He unlocks the front door and gestures for Felix to pass him. “I’m really nervous.”

Arching an eyebrow, Felix passes Sylvain to drop off his bag, then passes him again stepping outside. “Why? It’s more inviting than my bland condo.”

“You really think so, city kid?” A relieved chuckle as well as the way Sylvain’s shoulders sag clues Felix in that yeah, Sylvain was getting worked up over nothing.

“It’s quiet. I like it.”

“I hope you like the interior just as well.” Sylvain takes Felix’s hand again. Someone’s hunting for physical contact, eh?

“So far you haven’t disappointed me too badly.”

“Balm for my soul.” Sylvain leads Felix back to the pathway and then down to where Lex disappeared to: the backyard.

It’s Felix’s first view of it that is more than a fleeting glimpse. Apart from several tall birches and needle trees lining the space, the odd tree sticks out here and there. They are way too tall to have been planted as recently as Sylvain would’ve gotten the chance to, their winter-naked branches and twigs finally filling in with tiny green leaves.

Lex tolls around, flinging himself all across the poor blades of grass carpeting the ground and leaving destruction in his wake. Sylvain leads Felix to a row of trees grown so closely together that at first Felix didn’t even notice them. Pointing up with his free hand, Sylvain says, “This one looks sturdy enough for my untrained eye.” In fact, the tree in question grew in a Y-shape, the two halves of it branching perhaps a meter off the ground. “What do you say?”

Felix pulls his hand out of Sylvain’s to have a go at climbing the tree. Sylvain’s laughter when he does makes a smile bloom on Felix’s face. “It can support me, at any rate.”

“I hope you’re not too cat-like.” Sylvain’s voice comes from right behind Felix. Figures Sylvain would want to be in on the fun.

Felix selects another thick branch and scales it up. The stupid dumbbells were worth it now that Felix doesn’t collapse two meters into his venture. “Why?”

“Trapped up there, mewling until I call the firefighters to get you down.”

Felix smirks. “Then you’ll be the old cat lady?”

“At your service.” Sylvain settles down next to Felix, sitting on a thick branch grown almost horizontally. Flecks of lichen and dry bark are going to cling to Felix’s ass, but the view towards the woods proper is amazing. “I told you, it looks sturdy enough.”

“Seems like it.”

Sylvain’s knuckles ghost across the back of Felix’s hand and up his arm until they come to a rest against his cheek. Felix’s breath catches in his throat as he turns his head towards the touch and another breathtaking view takes up his field of vision. His body leans in as of its own according, eyes fluttering closed, his lips meeting Sylvain’s halfway.

Sylvain’s hand opens, thumb caressing Felix’s cheek. Felix would very much like to pull Sylvain closer to him, but something subconscious likely instilled by Glenn makes Felix claw the branch they’re sitting on instead. Despite the precarious situation—their legs are dangling a good three meters off the ground—Sylvain presses on, leaning closer to Felix, running his tongue along Felix’s bottom lip. Felix opens his mouth to invite Sylvain in, to deepen the kiss, and to make the flutter in his chest explode, make his hands unsteady, make him feel as weightless as he’d love to up this high.

Felix loses all sense of time as he’s losing himself in the kiss promising so many more things. He blinks at Sylvain when he finally looks back, drying his lips with the back of a hand and smiling at Felix in such a private, blissful way, all red cheeks and swollen lips and eyes twinkling in the sunset—

The what?

Felix turns his head. The world is basked in hues of red and orange and yellow. A soft gust of wind ruffles Felix’s hair as his eyes take in the way everything is tinted in a seldom-appreciated wonder. “I don’t recall the last time I forgot my sense of time kissing,” he says.

Sylvain giggles next to him, then lets the laughter out, loud and unrestricted. Felix smiles along to the sound, private and small. If someone half a year ago had had the audacity to tell him that come March he’d be sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g, Felix would’ve told them to fuck off and mind their own business. Sylvain’s warm hand on his own pulls him back to reality. “I’m having two problems now.”

“Problems?”

“One: I’m hungry. Two: I’m horny.”

Felix snorts. “And this is news how?”

“Hey!” Sylvain knocks his shoulder against Felix’s. “I also wanted to show you around before cooking.”

“I’d like that, too.” Since Sylvain is the one closer to the branch they scaled up, Felix waits for him to start climbing down before doing so himself. Having firm soil under his feet feels remarkably good after all this while, his legs having begun their transformation to jelly up there. Felix blames the kissing as much as the way he let his feet dangle.

“So, uh, this tree we were sitting on is gonna be the treehouse tree.”

“You already said that.”

“Seiros, I’m old.” Sylvain’s eyes widen and he laughs. “Gimme a break.”

“Where do you plan to play farmer?”

“I thought up here would be a good place.” Sylvain points to a part of the backyard really terraced, a stone wall forming a fence against one side—North because the sun’s in the West—already. “You seem like someone who’d actually manage putting a fence in place.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “Slave labor.”

“What?!” Sylvain swivels around to Felix. With his expression of incredulity on his face, he looks outright ridiculous in his hoodie and sweatpants. “I thought we could build something nice together,” he whines. “I want you to be part of my life.”

Felix inclines his head to hide his smile. “I know. Don’t be so insecure.”

“And you don’t be so hard on me, babe.”

The smile is gone. Lips stretched into a thin line, Felix looks back up. “Do you already know what you’re gonna grow?”

“I thought carrots would be nice as a start, and if they end up puny and bad, Lex can have ’em?” Sylvain shrugs. “And spinach, too. I like the leaves.”

Felix makes a face that in turn makes Sylvain laugh. “Raw spinach leaves?”

“They taste really great! I should make you a salad.”

“No thanks.”

Sylvain reaches out and squeezes Felix’s shoulder. “I’ll do so anyway.”

“Eat it yourself like a fucking rabbit.”

Sylvain’s shit-eating grin spreads over his face. “This gives me ideas as to what to dress as for Halloween.”

“It’s still March.”

“You can never start planning too early.”

“I’m not going trick or treating with you.”

“Aw, I’d have thought you’d like tricking people.” Sylvain steps closer to Felix and enfolds him in his arms. “Everyone’s starting to get afraid of you, because you slash their tires, or throw eggs at their homes and removing the shit is expensive. And no one knows what they’re doing wrong. They keep showering you in candy, trying to get on your good side. But unbeknownst to them, they’re enraging you even further.” Sylvain dips his head and whispers into Felix’s ear, breath hot, voice lustrous. “You’re a god not appeased by sweets.”

Felix shivers in Sylvain’s arms. “I’m not a god.”

“You are to me.” Sylvain touches his tongue to Felix’s earlobe. Seiros, he said he’d cook first, not cock first. “Hey, what’s that?” Sylvain brushes Felix’s hair away and tucks it behind his ear.

“Surprise,” Felix more hisses than says, and then, because why the fuck not, “I’m pregnant.”

“You’re— W-what?” Sylvain laughs.

“I’m obviously not pregnant. It… was a joke.”

“I know.” Sylvain leans down and squints. “You got your earlobe pierced.”

“For your charm.”

A radiant smile spreads over Sylvain’s whole face. “I knew it!” He gathers Felix up in his arms, squeezing him tightly yet gently. “I’m so happy you’re willing to give up some of your professionalism for me.”

“No one’s going to see it as long as I wear my hair open.” Felix returns the embrace quickly, then ducks out of it.

“But I bet you’re gonna show it off anyway.” Sylvain follows Felix to the front door. Lex is lying on his side on the terrace, rolling into a half-sitting, half-standing position when the two men approach. “I’ll get pictures, won’t I?”

“Why the fuck not.”

Sylvain opens the door for him and Lex, the latter of which waiting like the good boy he is until Sylvain cleaned his paws with a towel. “Shoes off.”

“Yeah.” Felix rids himself of these as well as his jacket. “You know, you’re allowed to take pictures, too.”

Sylvain hums happily. “You’re aware I’ll make very good use of this right?”

“I am.”

“Also, turn around for me.” Felix does. He’s since let his hair fall back in front of his ear, covering the small accessory. Sylvain tilts his head a fraction. “Dude, you can really pull off dress shirts.”

“And you still look like you crawled out of a dumpster, Diogenes.”

Sylvain sticks out his tongue, and walks past Felix into the living room. Felix has seen some glimpses of the place in video calls, but suffice it to say he didn’t expect a whole wall lined with a shelf dedicated to books, movies, tabletop games, and of course music records. Likely also sheet music. There are small trinkets standing before some of the books, like a dog made out of ceramics or several scented candles. Felix picks one up and sniffs at it. Is this supposed to be ginger…? Weird choice. At least it’s not vanilla. Vanilla sucks.

An electric piano leans against one wall of the room, and higher up on the wall hang an acoustic guitar and a ukulele in special holders. There’s the obligatory living room furniture, including a sofa big enough for a family of eight (or, alternately, as Felix will find out in due time, big enough for two men and a large dog). A table sits in front of the sofa, and mounted on the wall is a TV. Under this rests a shelf with a loudspeaker system and no less than three video game consoles complete with controllers and game library.

Under the windows looking out east stands a desk with a computer tower on top of it. A wireless pair of headphones cradles the office chair’s backrest. Where Felix would have expected a mountain of notes on loose-lying sheets of paper he encounters a few folders, which by their look alone look neat and orderly.

On the opposite end of the room, nestled against the radiator, lies Lex on his bedding including a comforter and a toy, although Felix knows Sylvain lets him sleep in his bed. There’s also a table to presumably play tabletop games on, four chairs standing around it in twos. One too many for some time, apparently. It’s sad. On closer inspection, though, Felix finds the novel he gave Sylvain last week lying on the table, a bookmark sticking out of the last third of it. So he didn’t make it in a week.

The real eye-catcher in the living room area are the walls, however. Because there isn’t any wallpaper on them, Felix can appreciate the wooden structure for the most part. If only there weren’t these weird paintings everywhere. Or, well, ‘weird’ is too nice a word. They suck. They’re fucking hideous knock-offs of actual paintings. ‘Low budget version’ wouldn’t do them justice in Felix’s wildest dreams. He steps up to one of them, and seen from close-up, he can make out the odd border where presumably Sylvain didn’t paint in the field correctly.

Oh shit. These are color by number paintings. Like the stuff Felix did in kindergarten. Adult Sylvain fucked them up this bad and still hung them on his wall. “Sylvain?” Felix asks, realizing that during his assessment of the living room he was all alone.

Sylvain emerges from a door leading to the kitchen, from the little Felix can make out behind his frame. “Yeah, babe?”

“Are you serious?” Felix turns his head from sexy Sylvain to appalling painting to keep Sylvain from seeing his eye twitch.

Sylvain laughs nervously. The sound becomes louder the closer he steps to Felix. “For starters, not everyone is rich and can afford the real deal. And it’s not like you spend your money on paintings, either.”

“But you agree they’re… unfortunate?”

“I’m still proud.” Sylvain folds his arms.

“You didn’t even manage to heed the uh, the lines. Borders.”

“And I told you I’m a little far-sighted. It’s tiny and hard to make out for me!”

Turning to face Sylvain, Felix raises an eyebrow. “Perhaps you should look into a different hobby then. Or get glasses.”

Sylvain’s bottom lip quivers. A pang goes through Felix’s chest as the realization strikes that he could’ve phrased this nicer. Or kept his mouth shut. Then Sylvain pushes his bottom lip out in a childish pout, and when he speaks up, Felix breathes with relief. “Ingrid and Doro agree they’re ugly. I don’t know how much shit they’ve given me for one, buying these sets because believe it or not, one is almost 60 bucks—”

“Can I just ask you real quick if you’re sure you’re not in debt?”

“I’m not! I have a mortgage to pay but I’m managing rather well. Anyway, two: That I bought three of these sets and painted them all _and_ put them up on the walls!”

“Can’t you just paint something original? Some abstract thing, I don’t know?”

Sylvain opens his mouth and closes it again. “Painting is stress-relief for me? It’s relaxing. But so is smoking weed. And if I don’t have instructions like these sets come with, I don’t get anything done.”

“Oh.” Right. Felix forgot about Sylvain’s unfortunate hobby.

“Yeah, well.” Sylvain clasps the back of his neck. “Uh, care to join me in the kitchen?”

Guessing he’s spent enough time looking at these atrocities, Felix hums in assent. He follows Sylvain, whose ass, by the way, is hard to make out in these baggy sweatpants. Another reason to do away with them.

The kitchen occupies a lot less space than the living room. There’s not even a table in it, only two bar stools if one is inclined to look at some trees out of the window while eating. A set of metal badges mounted on the wall underneath a shelf lists recipes for cocktails, complete with illustrations of them. Now this is art. Apart from Lex’s bowls for food and water in one corner and the buzzing fridge wallpapered with postcards and photos of Lex, Sylvain, Ingrid, and Dorothea in various combinations, held up with a colorful variety of magnets (among which Felix spots the two Arianrhod ones he gave Sylvain), the point of most interest to Felix is the meal Sylvain’s preparing.

A spicy, sharp smell directs Felix’s attention to the pan first, in which onions and garlic are just starting to sizzle in oil. Sylvain doesn’t have any music on, only hums under his breath as he cracks an egg open. “Want to help?” he asks, head turning towards Felix.

“I don’t even know what you’re making.”

Sylvain laughs. “Neither do I! I’m mostly improvising.” He touches a foot to the oven. The light is on and orange somethings are laid out on a tray. “Sweet potato. The guacamole is already done.” Sylvain nods his head to a blender, a green paste inside. “I hope you don’t mind too much garlic.”

Felix snorts. “I only mind crumbs when making out.”

“Gotcha.” Sylvain procures four generous slices of meat from the fridge. Felix’s mouth waters at the sight. Apparently so does Lex’s, because he trots into the kitchen, his eyes following the meat. “For the aficionado.”

“Looks good.”

Sylvain stands up straighter at the sound. He lathers the meat in egg and then in breadcrumbs before adding each slice to the pan. “If you still want to help—”

“I never said so.”

“—you can set the table. Plates are up there,” Sylvain nods his head at a cupboard, “and you can find forks and knives in this drawer right here.” He indicates which one with an elbow in passing.

Felix finds everything neat and in order and sets the table he spotted in the living room—where else are they supposed to eat at a table?—while Sylvain washes his hands. With no idea where to put the novel for the time being, Felix places it on the sofa table on his way back to the kitchen.

Sylvain is taking the sweet potato slices out of the oven. “We need one small spoon and two extra forks as well as a trivet for the pan.”

“Okay.” Since Sylvain doesn’t say anymore, Felix guesses this is encouragement for playing at being marshal and finding everything he needs himself. It does reinforce him navigating Sylvain’s kitchen with more ease, he guesses, as he spots the trivets cramped into a narrow space next to a kettle. It does make Felix take longer than he’d have taken otherwise, however. Sylvain’s already on his second trip back to the living room, Lex following in his wake, while Felix scrambles to catch up and place the trivet on the table surface in time for the hot pan.

“Want me to light a candle?” Sylvain asks when Felix joins him.

Giving him half a shrug while sliding into the chair opposite Sylvain, Felix says, “I don’t care.” Still, a smile curls his lips at the thought. If there’s one romantic cliché, it’s this.

“Really?” Sylvain is already up and about, selecting one of the perfumed candles from his bookshelf. Back at the table, he removes the plastic lid, places the candle on the middle of the table and lights it with a lighter Sylvain pulled from some saint’s invisible ass for all Felix knows. “Look! An improvement to the atmosphere.”

“Say that again when the thing goes out and smokes up the room.” Perhaps it’s going to show its ugly side even sooner, depending on the smell of the perfume.

“Do I at least get a point for trying to be romantic?”

“You already got one for making dinner.” Felix regards the food. “I appreciate that a lot.”

Sylvain hums happily. “Bon appétit, Fe.”

“To you, too.”

The meat smells (and looks) so inviting that Felix wants it to last, so he goes for the sweet potatoes first. He can’t remember if he ever ate any, and he’s glad to find out they aren’t as sweet as the name suggests. Especially lathered in Sylvain’s take on a guacamole—extra hot, just as he promised however long ago, making Felix’s tongue tingle, with the flavors of garlic and chili intermingling—which elevates them into a different league from ‘passable’. (The term, of course, doesn’t reflect Sylvain’s cooking abilities but rather Felix’s preferences in taste.)

Looking over at Sylvain shows him putting guacamole on everything, his eyes red and rimmed with tears. Aw, gods. Sylvain did say the spiciness was too much for him, and yet he puts himself through it again because he hoped Felix would like it. “It tastes great so far,” Felix offers, making Sylvain smile despite it all.

“Sorry you have to see me cry all the time,” Sylvain says, wiping at his eyes and nose with a tissue he produced from the same saint’s invisible ass as the lighter.

“I don’t mind. Especially if you’re happy.”

Sylvain smiles toothily. “I am!”

Felix gives him a less radiant smile in return. “Me, too.” Now onto the meat.

Either Sylvain got lucky or cooking is like singing to him and he vastly undersells (or underestimates) his own abilities. The meat is perfectly cooked, neither too long nor too short. While it’s not marinated, it still adopted some of the savor of the fried onions and garlic. The coating is crusty and melts in Felix’s mouth while the meat itself is tender. He doesn’t know where Sylvain got it from, but it tastes expensive and Felix wouldn’t be surprised if Sylvain went out of his way to buy him the best of the best. Or, well, he may be the kind of person who eats meat rarely and is fine with investing more in the one he does buy, instead.

Either way, it’s heavenly.

His expression must say it all because after a while, Sylvain says, “I’m so relieved you like what I came up with.”

Felix arches an eyebrow. “This desperate to impress?”

Sylvain laughs. “I wouldn’t call it desperation. You’re just more reserved than, say, me, and sometimes it’s hard to tell whether you like or enjoy something, even if you give verbal clues. Right now it’s not, which must mean it’s extra good.”

“I said it’s great.”

“Which means it’s amazing.” Sylvain grins. “Want a wine to go with this?”

“Red wine, yes.”

Sylvain nods and disappears into the kitchen for two wineglasses, then passes the other way to somewhere Felix hasn’t been yet (or he’s not registered the wine bottles). He returns with a full bottle and a corkscrew. After opening the bottle, Sylvain fills first Felix’s, then his own glass. “Not the most expensive one, but I like it nonetheless.”

“You don’t have to go all out for me, Sylvain.”

“I want you to feel treasured.” Sylvain raises his glass, the wine sloshing. “Because that’s what you are. A treasure.”

Felix wants to hide his flushing face when Sylvain makes him hold his gaze and touch their glasses together. How the man is able to say these things with a straight face— Well, the answer might very well lie in there. Who knows how many sweet nothings he told other people before? He must have plenty of practice saying grave things and not break out with blotchy red cheeks like Felix.

“To us,” Sylvain says because Felix doesn’t trust his voice to speak up first.

“To us,” he still manages, hoarse from the emotions welling up in him. He looks down when Sylvain releases his eyes from his hold, lids fluttering closed to savor the smell and the flavor of the wine.

Its aroma is fruity, like what Felix has come to expect from Sylvain. It has a soft, dry taste, not overwhelming, but complementing the rich flavors of the food and taking away some of the spicy edge. The wine leaves a somewhat fruity impression after swallowing, too, adding to Felix’s earlier perception.

“I can see why you like this wine,” Felix says.

Sylvain smirks. “What about you, though?”

“I like it, too.” Sylvain laughs at the statement, causing Felix to glare at him until he drops his gaze to his food. “I noticed you got your hair cut.”

Sylvain looks back up, swallowing before speaking again. “Yeah. I asked the hairdresser to cut off as little as possible because I know you prefer it a little longer.”

“I do.”

Sylvain beams. “So you like it too?”

“I do.”

Humming happily, Sylvain refills Felix’s plate first, then his own, for the second half of dinner.

* * *

Sylvain is meticulous. If the general tidiness of his home hadn’t clued Felix in, the way he loads all of the dishes in the dishwasher, rinsing some of them beforehand, how he wipes off the table they ate at, how he knows where exactly he’ll put the leftovers (including the wine). Felix trails after him at first, but when Sylvain doesn’t verbally express his expectation of Felix joining in, Felix goes to fetch his bag instead. He finds Sylvain’s router next to his computer, a small note in legible handwriting spelling out the password. It looks planted there, as though Sylvain expected Felix to look for it sooner or later.

The wireless signal on Felix’s phone was spotty at best until he hooks it up to Sylvain’s internet. While he’s here, he pulls out his laptop and feeds it the connection as well to be instantly rewarded by countless company mails clogging his inbox. Yay. This is how Felix wants to spend his weekend!

Closing the laptop, Felix ignores the sad reality of his life to step back into the dream he should be living instead. Sylvain’s approach sounds behind him, clueing Felix in he’ll be pulled into a hug from behind. “No more working today, mkay?”

“I wasn’t planning to.”

“No torrenting illegal stuff off my internet either,” Sylvain says in the same voice, somewhat suggestive in the seductive sense, mind obviously somewhere else. He leaves one arm slung around Felix and brushes his hair away from his neck with his free hand. “It looks like we need to renew these.”

“And you’ll be all too happy to comply.”

“Yes.” As if to underline his point, Sylvain presses a kiss to Felix’s neck.

“Show me your bathroom first.”

Sylvain laughs against Felix’s neck. He lets go and steps away from him. “How do you control your horniness?”

“I don’t.” Sylvain’s face lights up even more when he catches Felix’s smirk. Felix places his laptop on Sylvain’s desk for the time being and slings his bag around his shoulder. He shudders at Sylvain’s fingers trailing down his spine and press lightly against Felix’s ass before coming to a rest higher up around his hips.

“Bathroom’s just at the end of the hallway.” Sylvain leads Felix exactly there. “Take your time. I’ll be waiting in the bedroom.”

Felix snorts. No doubt Sylvain will be waiting like food on the platter, naked and everything on display. Banning the image from his head for the next few minutes, Felix takes in the polished white tiles interspersed with warm autumn tones, shining as though Sylvain spends his free time polishing them. Apart from the standard furnishings expected from a bathroom, there’s the much-referenced bathtub in all it’s ceramic glory. It really looks big enough for both him and Sylvain, and while the thought of mutual grooming shouldn’t excite Felix like this, the thought of everything else they could be doing together in there sure does.

Swallowing, Felix finishes his business with his last shred of dignity intact, and goes to join Sylvain in the bedroom.

He’s lying on his back on the bed all right, and this is where Felix’s mental image of Sylvain on the silver platter fails. Sylvain’s still fully clothed in his hoodie and terrible, terrible sweatpants, and a pair of no-show socks, head resting on one arm, his free hand holding his phone over his head as he’s presumably reading something. Turning his head, Felix takes in as much of the room itself as his brain is still capable of processing: the single nightstand on one side of the bed, an alarm clock and a glass of water sitting on it (normal enough); the tall mirror occupying a third of Sylvain’s wardrobe (with slide doors); the little paper notes to himself taped to the other two thirds (something private you never see on insta; also strange that his creative genius happens in the bedroom); the print on the pillow and blanket cases with skeletons and pumpkins and cats and witches riding broomsticks (something never seen on insta either; just as strange); the lonely little cactus sitting malnourished on the window sill and turning brown (something even Felix fails to accomplish).

Felix clears his throat. A jolt goes through Sylvain and he drops his phone onto his face as he scrambles for dignity. Failure. After placing his phone on the nightstand, Sylvain pushes himself up into a sitting position. “Sorry, I—”

“When are you finally going to take these off?” Nodding at Sylvain’s sweatpants, Felix folds his arms in mock-exasperation.

Sylvain frowns for a split-second, then grins, all teeth, one eyebrow raised. The man should be the poster boy for ‘sexy’. “Do it yourself.”

Arching an eyebrow, Felix steps from the doorway into the room proper, dropping his bag against the wall right next to the threshold. Sylvain doesn’t make any attempt to move, which is sad since Felix would’ve loved to see the stupid face he’d pull when Felix literally caught up to him in no time. Instead Felix is allowed to sit down on the edge of the mattress and, when Sylvain doesn’t turn more than his head to watch Felix, to crawl up behind him. He spreads his legs to have Sylvain sit between them, Sylvain’s back to Felix’s chest. Sylvain shuffles backwards to better fit his ass to Felix’s crotch.

“Can you even see anything like this?” Sylvain asks.

“I can go by touch.” Felix presses his lips to Sylvain’s neck and is rewarded with an anticipatory whimper. Cute. While keeping up his kisses, Felix runs his hands down Sylvain’s torso until he reaches the hem of his hoodie. There he pushes his hands under it—Sylvain isn’t even wearing so much as a tank under it—and slides them up to cup Sylvain’s sweet tits, the pendant cool against his otherwise hot skin. Sylvain’s nipples as well as the fine hairs surrounding them and the ones sprouting from his chest in general tickle the palms of Felix’s hands.

Sylvain slumps back against Felix, turns his head and whispers, “Kiss me.”

Felix could tease him, could tell him he’s already doing so, just not where Sylvain wants it, or he could do what he wants as well and indulge Sylvain. It’s an awkward angle at first although they make it work after nose bumping and giggles in-between stolen pecks. Once they’ve found their rhythm, Felix goes back to playing with Sylvain’s tits and is rewarded by him moaning right into his mouth.

After a while (read: a few puny minutes) Felix wonders if Sylvain’s as hard as him. He ends the kiss to whisper against Sylvain’s still parted lips, “Help me get this off you.”

Groaning, Sylvain sits up straighter and raises his arms over his head for Felix to pull his hoodie off. Felix is granted a short window of time in which to ogle Sylvain’s back, how his muscles move under his skin, how his shoulder blades stand out from the rest, how rose petals trickle below his neck, and how thorny vines wind around his right shoulder.

Felix squeezes Sylvain’s tits again as soon as he settles back against Felix’s chest, then trails his hands down his front, fingers brushing over his happy trail. Snaking one his hands inside the waistband of both Sylvain’s sweatpants and his underwear, Felix is greeted by Sylvain’s erection straining against the fabric. Oh, Felix does feel this. With his free hand, he quickly opens the button and fly of his own pants before letting it join the other one, preoccupied by etching the exact shape and feel of Sylvain’s cock into his tactile memory.

Craning his neck, Felix rests his chin on Sylvain’s shoulder. It’s not the exact same view as Sylvain has, but it’s close enough. As long as he’s able to, Felix won’t miss another ‘unboxing’. He threads the fingers of both his hands into both of Sylvain’s pairs of pants, the implication of his full ass brushed against by Felix’s ring fingers and pinkies. Felix spreads his hands apart from Sylvain’s hips and gets a first glance at his cock looking up at him. Smirking, Felix slides Sylvain’s pants down as far as he can reach (not much), Sylvain helping by lifting his ass for as little time as he can get away with.

“Beautiful,” Felix whispers. He wraps his fingers around Sylvain’s cock and strokes him slowly, each up and down making Sylvain melt further against him with these magnificent moans issuing from his trembling lips. He seeks out Felix’s free hand with one of his, interlaces their fingers, and squeezes. Felix squeezes back.

After a few minutes of this, Sylvain composes himself enough to say, “Wait.”

Felix stops, running his thumb a last time along Sylvain’s length, pressing against his frenulum and the glans. Then his hand’s gone. “Too one-sided?”

Sylvain chuckles, his whole body moving against Felix’s. “You’re reading my thoughts, babe.”

“Stop calling me ‘babe’ and I might even let you touch me.”

Sylvain chuckles again, this time straightening his back and leaning forward to rid himself of pants and socks. He turns around onto his hands and knees and grins at Felix, lips quirking when he sees the fly of his pants already undone. “Doesn’t look like I need to let myself be ordered around.” Felix flips Sylvain off, only to be met by laughter. “If you hate it this much, I’ll take care not to say it. Okay?”

Felix narrows his eyes. “For now.”

“Fair enough.” Sylvain shuffles closer to Felix, then leans back to rest his butt on his heels. His fingers make quick work of the buttons of Felix’s dress shirt, then his hot hands slide inside and outward, palms brushing over Felix’s nipples, chest, shoulders, until the shirt is rolled off his arms. Sylvain’s hands touch the scar tissue there, but his face stays the way it is: serene smile, flushed cheeks, dilated pupils, all adoration.

He leans forward to capture Felix’s mouth in a passionate kiss, fingers threading through Felix’s hair. Felix reciprocates, pulling enough at Sylvain’s hair to make him groan into his mouth. He’s served a last peck on the lips before Sylvain works on what he promised earlier: renewing the wreath of hickeys around Felix’s neck.

After giving Sylvain’s hair a final tug, Felix uses his hands to slide his own pants off enough for his cock to taste fresh air. Shuffling forward, he lines it up with Sylvain’s and continues his slow strokes. Sylvain spices up his suckling with the pressure of his teeth, making Felix gasp and groan in time with him. Once Sylvain is satisfied with his work, he raises his head again to kiss Felix, pushing his hand away to replace it with his own. It’s hotter, grips tighter, moves faster. Felix’s hips buck as he pushes deeper into Sylvain’s hand, finding a rhythm complementing his that turns his kissing sloppy. Eventually, he can’t keep it up anymore (but neither can Sylvain, let’s be honest here), so winding his arms around Sylvain, Felix rests his head on Sylvain’s shoulder and lets him jerk him to the orgasm.

Squeezing his eyes shut, his toes curling, Felix comes. Sylvain follows him not even a minute later, gasping, his hot seed coating Felix’s cock, some of it shooting up onto his belly to slowly trickle down. Ceasing the movement of his hand, Sylvain slumps against Felix again, and he holds him close for however long it is that they both need to calm down.

Eventually, strength surges back through Sylvain and he detaches himself from Felix. “I’ll be right back,” he says in a low voice and scuttles out of the room in the time Felix needs to process what’s going on. He sinks into the mattress, too lazy to pull up (or down) his pants and not in the mood to waddle anywhere with them around the middle of his thighs. The ceiling of Sylvain’s bedroom is white and lacks any noticeable features, so Felix closes his eyes. It’d be easy to nod off. Maybe Sylvain will come back.

Felix jerks up, right hand already forming a fist, because something wet and cold touches his belly. Cracking his eyes open and almost closing them again by how much he narrows them to slits, he watches Sylvain wipe off their commingled spunk—a disgusting word for something he’s pissed at enough right now to think of it like this. Sylvain’s movements are torture. Felix grabs his arm and rips the tissue he’s using from his hand since he neither wants Sylvain to tickle him, if on purpose or not, nor does he want him to clean Felix’s now-flaccid dick.

“Everything fine?” Sylvain asks.

“Yeah.” Felix pushes himself up on his elbows, shoving the dirty tissue back at Sylvain. After shuffling back into his pants, Felix gets up and rummages through his bag for his toothbrush and paste. These in hand, he walks into the bathroom, Sylvain on his heels. “I had my socks on.”

“The whole day?” Sylvain sounds confused.

“When we were intimate just now.”

“So?”

“Last week I had a thought about how unsexy it is when someone still has their socks on.”

Sylvain laughs. His face appears behind Felix’s in the mirror. “You still had your pants on. Well, mostly.”

“You could’ve pulled them off.”

Sylvain grins at Felix through his reflection. “I guess I don’t mind as much as you do?” He shrugs. “But noted. Maybe I’ll even get a little tickling in.”

Felix gives Sylvain the glare equivalent of the middle finger. “Don’t even think about it.” He sticks his toothbrush into his mouth, and thankfully so does Sylvain with his.

For the time being, they’re done talking. Felix ditches his clothes, then creeps back into Sylvain’s bed, soft mattress swallowing him, rolled mostly into the covers. Sylvain’s still trampling around, whistling for Lex to show him just how much of an emotional support pee and poop machine he can be by relieving himself one last time in the yard before trudging back inside.

There’s a grunt and shuffling, and then Sylvain acts as Felix’s heat-emitting backrest. Lex climbs into the foot end of the bed as well and sighs. At least he’s not sprawled over Felix’s legs. He can live with this. Sylvain insisted on brushing Felix’s hair before bed, and now he keeps running his fingers through it instead of going to sleep. “If I can’t call you ‘babe’ anymore, what else am I supposed to say? Darling? Sweetie? Love? Honey?”

Felix wants to throw up at the notion. It’s… nice of Sylvain to want to do this, but he can work on his execution. “Most people call me ‘Mr. Fraldarius’.”

Sylvain snorts, his breath hot against the back of Felix’s head and neck. “Can do, Mr. Fraldarius.” On his name Sylvain’s voice drops lower than Felix has ever heard it before, making Felix want to push his ass back against Sylvain’s crotch.

This’ll only get him in trouble at work. He doesn’t even have to deal with clients for this. Just imagine Molinaro calling him on his office line, and using his family name for this one instance. “Don’t.”

“I didn’t even mention the alliterative appeal your name has, like a porn star’s! Felix Fraldarius, figurehead for fornication—”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Sylvain laughs. “Isn’t there a term of endearment I can get you to warm up to, Fe?”

“Not fucking likely.” Felix closes his eyes. “Nicknames are fine as long as I don’t call you out on them.”

“Mhm. I’m excited to find out how many will happen and stick during our time together.”

Felix sighs. Here’s to hoping he won’t end up being known as Bilbo Baggins, another porn star name by Sylvain’s rules. “We’ll see.” He lets his eyes flutter closed. A kiss is pressed to the back of his head.

“Sleep well,” Sylvain whispers.

“You, too.”


	30. Day 66

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just putting this here because I'm feeling great: This was pretty much my favorite chapter to write so far! I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I do <3

Softness and warmth surround Felix to such a comfortable, lulling degree that waking up seems like the worst idea he’s ever head. Every time his body fails him he simply doesn’t open his eyes and drifts back to sleep in a matter of minutes, curling up on his side, stretching out on his back, hiding his face under the covers with his knees drawn up, spreading himself out like a four-sided shuriken with a head sticking out between two of the prongs. He can’t remember the last time sleep came this easily to him in this wide variety of positions when usually he prefers turning onto his right side and thinking about stuff until he’s tired out enough for sleep, if it comes at all.

For some reason, tonight was different in a wonderful way Felix doesn’t comprehend, can’t quite get behind as sleep-addled as he still is. His eyes flutter open, mindful of the sunlight streaming into the room. Which turns out to be not his room.

Felix turns onto his side and sees his content, flushed reflection in the large mirror. Sylvain’s large mirror on Sylvain’s wardrobe in Sylvain’s bedroom. No wonder Felix slept like the dead and then some. It smells fantastic all around him, the bed swallows him right up, and except for the trill of birds, it’s quiet—no traffic, no roadworks, nothing.

Also, no Sylvain anywhere. Felix forces himself to sit up, the warm blanket pooling in his lap. He yawns while stretching himself and working loose some kinks. The door creaks open, Lex’s nose peeking inside before the rest of the dog follows. He yips, tail wagging in excitement, when he sees Felix is up. Felix shuffles to the edge of the mattress to bury his hands in the fluffy fur around Lex’s neck and knead it to the rhythm of Lex’s tail banging against the wall.

A knock on the door alerts Felix of Sylvain’s intrusion, similar to Lex’s, head first, the rest of his body following. Also similar to Lex is the big grin Sylvain is wearing on his face. He’s dressed, and the awful sweatpants are nowhere in sight. “Dude, I was starting to get worried about you.”

“Me?” Felix asks.

“Who else?” Sylvain walks over and pushes Lex’s ass out of his way to give Felix his kiss good-morning. “How’re feeling?” Sylvain asks in a whisper.

“Good. Great.”

Sylvain’s chest deflates, accompanied by a sigh of relief. “I read that depression can make someone stay in bed all day, and when you still weren’t up at eleven thirty—”

Felix groans. “What time is it?”

“Quarter past twelve. I’m glad I didn’t go forth and brew your coffee already.”

As if on cue, Felix’s stomach growls. He throws an arm across his eyes, his lips pulling up in a grimace. Although his prolonged stay in bed today isn’t a symptom of his precarious mental health for once, Sylvain was right about the mess part: Felix is one, period. Huffing, he slides out of bed, aware of Sylvain’s eyes watching his every movement. It makes Felix’s skin prickle. He yanks a fresh change of clothes out of his bag and says, “I’m going to shower.”

“In for brunch afterwards?” Sylvain asks.

“Sure.”

“In that case I’ll whip up something nice for you.”

Felix stops, halfway from the bedroom and to the bathroom. He turns his head towards Sylvain. “You already ate?”

“Only a banana.” Sylvain smiles guiltily. “I’m a big boy.”

“Don’t starve yourself on my account.”

“That wasn’t the idea and you know it.”

“Just making sure.” Felix continues on to the bathroom. Inside, he considers locking the door and decides against it. He should be past caring Sylvain seeing his arms or his flat ass or his junk. And anyway, Sylvain does his best not to stare.

* * *

Felix failed to last week, but now that he’s more or less forced to take a closer look at Sylvain’s motorcycle, he can’t help but notice how the machine grins at him. Curse Sylvain’s silver tongue and the way he made riding a bike sound exciting and fun, and nothing like this is a death machine just waiting for an accident to happen. It doesn’t help that Felix, forced to take the bitch seat, won’t be able to survey the roads and traffic. Sure, Sylvain hasn’t lost his limbs riding this thing so far, but then again he hadn’t to account for Felix’s extra weight either. What if his arms around Sylvain’s chest distract him? What if Felix is thrown off and run over by a truck? His slightly chipped tooth saws into his bottom lip.

Sylvain, usually the nervous one of the two, whistles under his breath. He handed Felix a change of biking clothes that don’t fit him too well considering their difference in height and bulk, and while the helmet does fit, it’ll wreak hell on Felix’s hair. Apparently satisfied with adjusting his bike for the extra passenger, Sylvain sits down on it. The whole machine nuzzles closer to the ground, making Felix’s mouth run dry. “C’mon,” Sylvain says, all cheer, palm patting the second seat behind his. “I need to see if I adjusted the mirrors’ reflections right.”

Grunting, Felix forces his feet to carry him forward and onto the bike. He’s rewarded with another prophecy, this one showing him surviving the bike ride only to be stuck having to ride a horse in due time. His hips are going to snap. Felix suppresses the shudder that wants to go through him. Good thing oracles needed to be virgins to see the future, meaning whatever his brain feeds him is absolute bullshit.

Wrapping his arms around Sylvain from behind and placing his feet on the pillion rests, he waits for Sylvain to adjust his mirrors once more, then for him to turn the key. The bike roars to life, massaging Felix’s ass with its unending vibrations. Sweet Goddess. Sylvain leans back into him, asking, “Your visor down? Ready?”

In case the fuckwit didn’t notice, Felix’s visor has been down the whole fucking time, skewing his perception of his surroundings a little more with the dark tint of the glass. “Yes. Go already.”

Sylvain chuckles, adding to the vibrations. Then his feet move up to rest on the machine, too, and Felix prepares himself to see his life flash before his eyes as the motorcycle falls on its side, crushing him instantly. Instead, its purring engine roars once more, and it shoots forward, carrying its passengers with it.

There’s a steep incline bordering on Sylvain’s fenced-in and tree-lined property. They turn into it, slowly enough for Felix to think they’d be faster walking. Then it goes downhill, and Felix forms a silent thank you message to the gods that Sylvain doesn’t rush it down but simply lets them roll, braking every once in a while to keep them from going too fast for Felix’s failing heart.

Disentangling his face from Sylvain’s back, Felix watches the landscape go past: Once the trees thin out, there are hilly meadows on either side (with the odd tree still peeking—peaking?—out of the ground). After a while, they pass goats, the smell invading Felix’s nose before he can place it. They look at Sylvain and Felix, chewing grass, one of them standing on a tree that grew in a funny angle, watching them with their weird goat eyes. One of them bleats loudly as Sylvain guides them past, and just like this, the goats are gone again.

The scenery makes way for more trees again, this time interspersed with rocks as big as the motorcycle they’re sitting on. Right. Fuck.

Felix buries his face in Sylvain’s back again. It’s worse like this, somehow, because this way Felix neither finds himself able to catch a glimpse of his impending doom nor do their surroundings distract him from the rumbling and shaking of the machine underneath him. He tightens his arms around Sylvain. The incline ends and Sylvain throttles the motorbike for a few (many?) meters, then brakes in steps, _then_ drives onto the actual road with enough speed to knock the air out of Felix’s lungs. He gulps and gets a mouthful of exhaust, the bike’s engine revving before quieting down.

Seiros. Felix wasn’t this much of a pussy the last time he thought riding a roller coaster complete with the loop was a good idea. He detaches his face from Sylvain’s back, his heart thumping at about the same speed the engine purrs with. They’re going in the opposite direction from yesterday, not into town, but farther away from it. Mountains painted with the surrounding woods greet Felix when he looks to the side (apart from the odd car zipping by in the opposite direction). The sky is clear and tinted this special, light shade of blue that shows you the day isn’t going to become warm, even if the sun beckons you outside.

Apart from the breathtaking horizon Fhirdiad can’t compete with on its best of days—skyscrapers and towers of steel and glass are never going to be attractive—there isn’t much else for Felix to gawk at, especially not with his brain reminding him to keep holding onto Sylvain or he’ll go sprawling and end up as roadkill. Mhm. Not nice. Shortly before they stop, already twisting and turning through narrower roads, Felix spots a flock of birds migrating home from the warmer climates of the South. The motorcycle is too loud, so he has to imagine the sound the animals make, calling for and shrieking at each other.

Sylvain drives them up to his studio Felix has already seen one time too many on Sylvain’s insta to miss it for what it is. There’s a small parking lot in the back, unoccupied except for Sylvain’s motorcycle, which he places in full disregard to the white lines drawn onto the pavement. As if he owns the place. Which he probably does, thinking about it. He did say he ‘inherited’ it, whatever this means.

Felix only lets go of Sylvain when the bike’s engine is off and the machine still. There comes a delayed sense of the heat the vehicle emitted while it was running, as Felix steps up and away from it, legs shaky and suddenly feeling cooler. While he still has enough strength left to push up his visor, Felix can’t compete with Sylvain, who pulls off his helmet, shakes his head, his hair falling sexily, his expression sexy, the way his bares his neck during the movement, right, his sexy neck with the hickey Felix left while they were doing sexy things—

Yeah. Real bad train of thought.

Felix fumbles around with his helmet until he gets it off, no doubt only displaying a fragment of Sylvain’s grace. Sylvain, who is walking around the building, his ass perfect the way it— _Stop it._ Felix forces his head up and his eyes to seek out everything that is new and unfamiliar here, forces his legs to walk him toward and inside the door Sylvain just unlocked. Whistling again, Sylvain flicks a couple of switches on the wall, illuminating the inside of the studio to a degree the windows alone were unable to accomplish.

The studio is divided into two main rooms with a small door at the end leading off to what Felix suspects is a bathroom. The front room—the one he’s standing in and the one Sylvain crosses for the bathroom, tossing his helmet and gloves absentmindedly onto a couch resting against one wall—looks like a cross between a lounge, complete with the aforementioned couch, a few armchairs in the same style, and a table in front of them, and an actual workplace with a desk housing many drawers, several computer screens, and a huge mixing console looking more complicated than the buttons and switches in an airplane’s cockpit. Across from the mixer, there’s a glass wall looking into the other room. From his vantage point, Felix can see a big amp against one side, several mics, some guitars and bass guitars, a keyboard and a full drum set.

“Make yourself comfortable,” Sylvain says. A jolt goes through Felix at his sudden reappearance, and while he doesn’t leap into the air, one hand clutches at his chest. Looking over, he sees Sylvain’s mischievous grin. Thanks a lot, fuckface. Sylvain nods over to the couch. In his hands he holds two steaming cups of something that smells suspiciously like tea.

Raising an eyebrow, Felix sits down. The couch is comfortable and he leans back into it, enjoying the relief from aches he hadn’t even registered yet. “What’s this?” he asks, taking one of the proffered cups after ridding himself of his gloves.

Sylvain slides one of the armchairs over to sit across from Felix. “Tea.” Felix rolls his eyes at Sylvain, making him grin. “A spice blend. Nothing fancy.” And from the way it smells, nothing abundantly sweet, either.

“You have tea and a boiler in the bathroom?”

Sylvain laughs. “There’s a kitchen back there, too!” His fingers work on his jacket, the tea resting on the table. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“No.” To the contrary: Felix has no qualms watching Sylvain strip in front of him. Even if he’s only shrugging out of his jacket to sit there in a t-shirt, the feeble ten degrees or so it is in here not bothering him in the least. “Never.”

Sylvain laughs. “I’m not gonna fuck at my studio.”

Felix moves his gaze up. “I didn’t say anything about fucking.”

“I know.” Sylvain smiles and picks up his cup. He blows over the liquid, then dips his tongue into it. “Still a little hot,” he mutters.

Then Felix won’t bother with his tea yet. “This looks like you spend a lot of time just, I don’t know, talking with people?”

“Yeah. We brainstorm a lot here. Sometimes have some after-work drinks, although I prefer going clubbing…” Sylvain clears his throat. “Over there,” he nods his head back toward the other room, “is the actual room for recording, but you wouldn’t believe how much time we spend making music over here, too.”

“I see.”

“If you want to, we can go over and jam a little.”

“I don’t play any instruments.” At Sylvain’s unfaltering smile, Felix says pointedly, “I won’t sing.”

“I’ll show you a little something. Nothing hard. You do the basics and I everything else.” Sylvain blows over his tea again and takes a careful sip. “How’s that sound?”

Felix keeps his eyes on Sylvain. At times, the man is hard to read, and he doesn’t do anything but smile, cheeks flushed a little, eyes not giving away anything. Narrowing his eyes, Felix waits a few seconds longer. Nothing. Dropping his gaze to his tea, Felix sighs. “Fine. But nothing complicated.”

“Like I said: Nothing hard.”

“Let me finish my tea first.”

Sylvain chirps happily. His cup clinks against the tabletop as he sets it down, making Felix look up. The tea is still hot but on a bearable level, and if Sylvain can drink it, then Felix can, too. While Felix slowly drains his cup, Sylvain walks over to a door inset next to the big window, a door Felix failed to notice until now. Saints. His brain is all Sylvain with no capacity for anything else this weekend, is it? Sylvain unlocks this new door and steps into the other room where he turns on the lights. Then he swivels around and beckons Felix come over, so the tea goes down his pipe faster than intended for Felix to teleport himself over.

Inside this new room, there are more sockets for plugs and cables of all shapes to be stuck into than Felix would’ve thought. This is his only take-away, though; he got a good impression from looking through the dividing window. Sylvain runs a hand through his hair, the strands falling and in their usual messy way, and Felix thinks not for the first time he’s glad Sylvain’s hairdresser knows what they’re doing. “So,” Sylvain says, “already have a pick in mind or do you want me to just force you to do something?”

“You’re the expert.”

“Nothing’s perfectly easy, but I think you’ll be fine with… this.” Sylvain walks over to a corner and pulls a wooden box away from it into the middle of the room.

“A box.”

“Cajón. Which means, lo and behold, box.”

Felix smirks and shrugs. Lucky guess, if he can even call it that. ‘Lucky observation’ seems like a more apt description. “How does it work?”

“Like this.” Sylvain sits down on it, balancing backwards to a small acute angle. He hits the front side of the box—cajón—with the flat of his right hand close to the center, with the fingers of his left closer to the top, producing first a deeper, then a lighter sound. “You can vary a lot with what you’re doing,” he says and leans back more and knocks against the cajón’s sides with both hands in tandem, producing a rhythm Felix wouldn’t be able to reproduce if he’d had five hours to practice. “Wanna try? You can’t hit a wrong note, only need a feeling for rhythm.”

Felix takes a deep breath. He can do this and not make a fool out of himself. “All right.”

Sylvain grins up at him, then gets up, the cajón tilting forward. “I’m probably not a good enough singer for what I have in mind, but we’ll try anyway.”

Felix arches an eyebrow, something Sylvain can’t see with his back turned to him. He’s unrolling a cable which he then plugs into the sockets on a bass guitar and the amp system. After turning the power on, Sylvain plays a few notes. “Hm.” He tilts his head to the side and tunes it by ear, the instrument by now slung around his shoulder by a guitar strap. He picks up a plectrum from a jar standing on top of the amp, then looks over to Felix. “You start. I’ll improvise.”

As if Felix won’t improvise. Steeling himself with another deep breath, Felix gingerly leans backwards the way Sylvain did, then hits the cajón, the nervous endings in his palms and providing instant feedback. This day is going to be hell not only on his hair but his hands as well. _Bring it on. Hit me with your worst._

“It doesn’t have to be complex. Just a straight back and forth is all right.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“It’s not that hard either.” Sylvain chuckles. The motherfucker has it easy! He’s done this for more than a third of his life, likely even longer! Felix? For a whopping two minutes.

“Shut up.”

“Nope.”

Felix raises one hand to flip Sylvain off, then uses it to start the rhythm the way Sylvain described it: back and forth. One hand, then the other. One hand, then the other. Mind the pace. Don’t become faster, don’t slow down.

Sylvain hums a little, then joins in with the bass, rapid notes, sudden stop, short silence, more notes. There’s a rhythm of its own to the way he plays at first, until he joins in with regular eighths. “I hope I’m still getting it together,” Sylvain says, watching his finger press down the same string on the same fret while he plays.

“Is this going to be a cover?” Felix asks. Talking while trying to keep a steady rhythm turns out to be hard as fuck, and here comes a new wave of respect for Sylvain keeping up his part while speaking.

“Mhm. Imma sing.” He raises his head and grins at Felix. “Keep going the whole song. Don’t stop, okay?”

“Okay.”

Sylvain nods, then turns his head to watch his fingers on the fretboard again. He takes a deep breath, then sings louder than Felix has ever heard him, voice strong and with that rough edge to it that you simply need to have a rock song sound good. “They found an empty bottle on her windowsill,” Sylvain begins, changing the one note he’d been repeating for a while now on the bass after an anacrusis. His playing evolves, too, with him sometimes holding on to a note for the full beat, other times letting his fingers walk around the frets to reach another note, interspersing some harmonious notes in-between.

Yeah, Felix lacks the vocabulary to describe what he’s seeing and hearing. That Sylvain can sing while playing an instrument, stay in the beat and hit the right notes both with his fingers and his voice, is amazing. He keeps his head turned away from Felix and towards the fretboard for perhaps two minutes, singing along during this time until he reaches an interlude. It’s much faster, the notes still eights but the pitch changing with every single one Sylvain plays. His mouth hardens and he forms words with his mouth he doesn’t intonate. The last notes of this passage revert back to the playing style he’d had before, and a sigh heaves Sylvain’s chest.

On another great intake of breath, and he goes back to singing: “And while the angels sleep all of the devils are awake.” He turns his head, hair flying until it settles in his messy nest around his head. His cheeks are flushed as he grins at Felix, who didn’t even notice he’d been grinning too until he wants to grin back and finds he already is. Sylvain keeps singing through this interlude part, and flashes Felix an even bigger grin before he _screams_ out the next part. Not in this metal way, no, he just becomes even louder, higher, his voice steady but cracking at the same time. Felix falters in his own simple back-and-forth style of thumping on the cajón until Sylvain’s next shout brings him back. “Keep play-ing!” Felix laughs and so does Sylvain, likely missing the last shout and even stopping completely when this passage is through. “Still go on playing,” he says during his short break, unclenching his left hand from the instrument’s neck and squeezing his fingers with his other hand. “There’s one last chorus.”

“Yes.” And Felix does keep going.

Sylvain’s singing comes back first, then he joins it with the bass’s harmonics and percussion. He plays a little outro, then declares the song, “Done.” The bass guitar swings back and forth, its back chafing Sylvain’s t-shirt and riding it up a little, as Sylvain lets go of it, clenching and unclenching his fingers. “The bridge was hell to play.”

“It did look impressive.” Felix balances forwards, the cajón fully standing on the ground now.

“For a second there I thought my fingers were gonna cramp.”

“Oh—”

“Don’t worry, I’m fine.” Still, Sylvain massages his fingers. “Let’s play some ballads next. Do improv.” His sly, shit-eating grin spreads over his features. “Or something simple. Like _The Bad Touch_.” Felix rolls his eyes, making Sylvain laugh. “How’re _your_ hands holding up?”

Felix holds his hands up to his face. His right palm and left fingers are red, and there’s a line on his left hand from the edge of the cajón. “They sting.” Felix turns his hands towards Sylvain.

While he’s squinting his eyes at Felix’s hands, a crease appears on Sylvain’s forehead. “Wanna call it a day?”

“Let’s play one more song.”

“All right. Go slower if you want to.” Sylvain’s face smoothes out and he winks. “Skipping beats does count as experimentation.”

“I’m a fighter.”

“I know you are, Felix,” Sylvain mutters, almost breathless, his head turned away from Felix and to the fretboard again as his fingers travel it up and down in unplayed notes. Wasn’t Felix supposed to hear or is Sylvain running from facing Felix’s reaction? Whatever it is, Felix lets him off the hook, leaning backwards, the cajón tilting with him, fingers tapping a rhythm out against the wood. Sylvain joins him, playing softly. He hums before replacing the guitar pick in the jar, opting to pluck the strings with his fingers instead to make the notes sound softer.

Felix slows down and plays softer as well to relieve his stinging hands. Funny how this works out—he and Sylvain both keep playing even if they start hurting for it, because it’s fun and it’s doing them more good than bad. It’s intimate in a weird way, making music together, improvising now that Sylvain sung (and wrung) himself out somewhat. Still, his playing evolves more than Felix’s, a soft melody climbing the notes as his fingers work ever closer to the bass’s body. And then it falls again. An image appears in Felix’s head of the ocean, waves lapping at a sandy beach. Closing his eyes, he concentrates on this image and aims to recreate some of it with his fingers by testing out what it sounds like to drag them across the wood, what it sounds like to use his knuckles for a change, to tap and knock and strike against the sides of the cajón instead of limiting himself to the front only.

There’s no need to fill the room with more, even if Felix is overcome by an urge to sing, or at the very least hum along. In his head it always sounds all right, not great but passable, and the little he comes up with is even more or less harmonious with what Sylvain’s playing. But he knows once he lets his voice work that it’s going to sound atrocious, like Caspar’s screeching, or like nails against a chalkboard. So Felix controls himself.

He opens his eyes once Sylvain finishes his melody and is back in the room. Leaning forward, Felix rests his hands on his lap. Sylvain looks up at him through his lashes and a lock of hair that fell onto his forehead, and the smile already there broadens. “I risked a peek while we were jamming,” he says, “and you were looking so relaxed. Peaceful even. Tranquil.”

“So what?”

“Nothing. Just an observation.” Sighing, Sylvain stretches his hands out in front of him. “You have another song in you?”

“My hands hurt.”

“Then we’ll call it a day.” Sylvain unslings the bass guitar from his body and turns off the amp. “Do you want another tea?”

“Not really.”

Sylvain laughs. “Okay.” He replaces the instrument and makes Felix stand up to put the cajón back in its corner. “Sorry if this was a little too much.”

“It was fun.”

When Sylvain turns back around, he smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners. “Really? You liked it?”

“I didn’t expect us to make music. I don’t have a clue about it but you made it worthwhile anyway.”

Sylvain’s smile blooms into a radiant grin. “Hug?”

The puzzled smile Felix meets Sylvain with feels funny on his face, the way his eyebrows draw together while his eyes nevertheless do that thing where they narrow a bit. “Okay?” He opens his arms and Sylvain crashes into him, making him stagger backwards with the force of his dash. Felix catches him, though, steadies his stance, his arms wrapping around Sylvain as the other man inhales deeply, his breath tickling the side of Felix’s neck and face as Sylvain exhales again. Felix feels the muscles in Sylvain’s arms bulge to crush him against his chest. “You okay?” Felix asks, voice close to a whisper and croaky. He clears his throat.

“Yes.” Sylvain’s arms tighten even more around Felix. “Yes! I just love holding you.”

“Then I’m relieved.”

Sylvain nuzzles his face against Felix’s neck, and Felix pushes a hand up into Sylvain’s hair to stroke it. They stay like this for a few precious minutes, just breathing each other in (a little hard for Felix since Sylvain is strong), until Sylvain pulls away. “Thank you for coming here with me.”

“You made me.”

Sylvain laughs, his cheeks turning rosy. “Yeah, maybe.” He leads the way into the other room again, where he picks up the tea cups. “My parents never bother to check out my workplace.”

“They never came here?”

Sylvain shakes his head and disappears with the cups. When he returns, he locks the other room, then shrugs into his jacket. “I wish they weren’t so disinterested in my life. It hurts.”

“From what I’ve heard so far, they are interested in your reproductive abilities.”

Sylvain barks a laugh. It looks and sounds strained. “At least in the results of them.” He sighs and, when he passes Felix on his way out, he squeezes his shoulder. “They’re not too fond of the man I grew into.”

“Then they should’ve done another job raising you.”

“Not a better one?”

“I think you turned out fine.” Felix follows Sylvain outside, watches him lock the door, then offers his hand for the short walk back to the parking lot. Sylvain’s fingers are hot around his. “Family doesn’t have to be everything, Sylvain.”

“It’s just hard to let go—”

“I know. You care so much.” They reach the motorcycle. Felix drops his helmet in which his gloves are resting, and does the same with Sylvain’s to take both his hands and look him in the eyes. “I’m going to listen whenever you need an ear. But please don’t start worrying about things that you can’t know or that haven’t happened.” Sylvain’s eyebrows draw down. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell what they love about you. But they wouldn’t want you to be around if they couldn’t stand you.” Felix shrugs with one shoulder. “You’re independent. Take a step back and don’t let your parents pressure you into pleasing them.”

“I’ll try,” Sylvain says. His voice cracks. His eyes are red, and Felix can only wager a guess at what’s going on in his head. Either way, he lets go of Sylvain’s hands to embrace him and hold him close. Felix wishes he could take Sylvain’s pain away and hurt some more himself instead, yet all he can do is play at being a human tissue again and let Sylvain sob in his arms, clutching at Felix’s back as though his hold is slipping. Felix lets Sylvain step back once he stopped trembling. His eyes are still red-rimmed and liquid-looking, and Sylvain wipes at them with the balls of his hands. “You’re gonna hate me if I say I could really do with a smoke right now.”

Felix sighs. “I’m never going to hate you. But take your meds instead.”

“I will.” Sylvain sighs, too. His shoulders sag. “Gimme another minute and then I’m calm enough to drive.”

“Take however long you need.” Least of all because Felix still doesn’t want to end up as roadkill. He picks up his helmet and walks over to the machine, sitting down on the back seat. From this angle Sylvain has his back turned towards Felix, his face in profile watching the tree-lined road they took to get here. The wind blows his hair away from his face. When Sylvain turns to approach Felix, his eyes are clear until they vanish behind his helmet’s visor. He sits down in front of Felix, the bike dipping low with his extra weight, and pulls on his gloves. Felix wraps his arms around Sylvain from behind. “I’m ready,” he says and hopes his voice carries.

Sylvain nods and the engine roars to life.

* * *

They went straight back to Sylvain’s home, no detours. Lex greets them as if they had been gone for a lifetime, his tail almost flying off his body with the force he’s wagging it with, he himself carrying a toy through the whole house and walking excited circles around the couch in the living room. Sylvain goes to his knees for him to hold him close, although Lex yips and wriggles free almost immediately.

Sylvain drove well, and there’s an ease to his shoulders where there was tension before. He changes into more comfortable clothes—Felix has yet to explore the depths of his wardrobe, and while it likely won’t lead to other worlds, the thing is big and full of clothes—this time a different set from this morning. No sweatpants, though. This pleases Felix.

He himself slips into what he wore before because Felix thinks one set of clothes is good for at least a day if you’re not sweaty. And because he only brought so many things with him.

“Let’s walk Lex,” Sylvain says, tossing Felix something in passing.

“Okay.” The plastic wrapper in his hands turns out to be a cereal bar. Felix checks the ingredients and prays it won’t taste as stickily sweet as they make him fear.

Sylvain whistles and clucks his tongue. “Wanna go for a walk?” he asks in a stupid voice reserved for talking to babies and dogs, and one that has Lex in another frenzy immediately. Felix watches the dog throw himself all over the place, unable to contain this much excitement in his body. It’s adorable. At least someone here’s happy to be alive.

This reminds Felix. “Did you take your meds?”

“Shit.” Sylvain disappears into the bathroom, leaving the door wide open for Felix to check on him. Sylvain takes an unassuming white pill from a bottle and swallows it with water he drinks straight from the tap. When he turns around to Felix, he wipes his mouth with the back of a hand and grins. “Done!”

“Good.” Well, this is what Felix hopes, anyway. He has no idea how meds work or what these ones in particular will do to Sylvain’s brain chemistry, but so far Sylvain hasn’t complained about them not working, so this should be all right. He hopes.

Felix finishes dressing himself with his shoes and jacket, and so does Sylvain. He puts a collar with a tag around Lex’s neck and wraps a leash around his own shoulders like a towel. “Won’t need it,” he says at Felix’s arched eyebrow, “but it’s better to be on the safe side.”

“It’s your dog.”

“Getting into trouble together with me no fun?”

“No.”

“Aw.” Sylvain squeezes Felix’s shoulder and leaves the house, Lex darting out and running all over the yard. The door clicks shut behind them and Sylvain locks it.

“Sylvain.”

“Mhm?”

When he looks, Felix takes Sylvain’s face in his hand and presses a kiss to his mouth. Sylvain’s breath hitches, and there’s a second of hesitation—no, he’s probably just stunned—before he kisses Felix back eagerly, arms wrapping around him, leaning into Felix at the same time to make his back meet the house wall. Nice try. Felix pushes Sylvain around and back, making him shudder and tremble as he’s sandwiched between wall and Felix. He groans into Felix’s mouth and disentangles a hand to feel Felix up.

Too bad they have other plans. With much reluctance Felix pulls back. He’s the one to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand now. “Let’s continue later.”

“Save point. Gotcha.” Sylvain sounds still breathless. He jogs up to Felix, who’s already climbing up the incline to the fence, and whistles for Lex to join them. “Did you like the cereal bar?”

Oh, right. Felix pulls it out of his jacket. “I’ll tell you in a minute.”

Sylvain chuckles. He leads Felix away from his property. Instead of following the road, they hike up another incline through the trees. Felix, having fumbled around with the shitty plastic wrapper of the bar, finally gets it off and crumples it to shove it back into his jacket’s pocket. The bar itself smells all right, and, biting into it, Felix finds it tastes way better than expected—nuts with a little honey and something sour he can’t place.

“It’s not bad.”

“You don’t dislike it?” Sylvain grins at Felix who can’t help but smirk back.

“I don’t hate it.”

“Would you eat another one if I happened to have one on me?”

“Do you?”

“No.”

“But I would.”

This makes Sylvain smile. “Okay. Thank you.” The line of trees ends and they step onto another track winding itself through the woods. “There’s something cool I want to show you.” Sylvain follows the path leading right.

Felix looks the other way. There, the track loses itself behind a hill. The memory of where he and Sylvain (and Lex) emerged onto this track is still fresh, although he doubts he’d find his way back in half an hour. “Tell me you won’t get us lost.”

“I won’t! Sometimes I walk Lex here in the dead of night, remember?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Aw, scared for our well-being?”

Felix turns his head away. “No,” he lies.

“Then come!” Felix jogs up to Sylvain. Lex is already running ahead but not making much progress because he keeps darting in and out of the thicket. Sylvain links his hands behind his head, then thinks better of it, and knocks one of them against Felix’s in invitation. Of course he snatches it. “You know, I’ve been thinking.”

Felix whistles in mock-surprise. “This is a new one.”

Sylvain squeezes his hand and chuckles. “Thanks. Always happy when you acknowledge all my hard work pays off.” Felix snickers and Sylvain joins laughing. “Jokes aside,” he says when they’ve both calmed down, “I liked it when you drew that star on my hand last week.”

“That hideous thing?”

“I didn’t say I liked the drawing—”

“Motherfucker.”

“MILFs are hot.” Felix flips Sylvain off with his free hand and earns a grin. “Anyway, what I was getting at was, maybe I’ll get some more ink added? Have a night sky on my other arm. What do you say?”

“Won’t it look… dark?” In Felix’s imagination, what Sylvain has in mind is a dark blue splotch covering his arm like a sleeve, with a few small spots here and there left uninked for the stars.

“If I tell my artist it’s a cloudy night, yeah, sure.” Sylvain turns his head to look at Felix. “You city kids really have no idea what the night sky is supposed to look like.”

“I know it’s full of stars and sometimes the moon.”

“What about the milky way? Or nebulas?”

“I’d have to google them.”

“Aw.” Sylvain squeezes Felix’s hand again. “Trust me for now when I tell you they’re beautiful. Bright and colorful. I think something like this surrounded by a little dark could actually turn out stunning. Too bad I can’t illustrate my idea visually. You would think me mad.”

“I already do.”

“What, for the tattoo addendum?”

“No, in general.” For going out with depressed emo bitch Felix and doing a better job about it than he’d dreamed possible. Then again, it’s only been a week. Who knows what’s going to happen in the next few months?

“Are you going to elaborate?”

“No.”

Sylvain sighs. “Okay.” A prick of doubt pierces Felix’s heart at the distraught intonation. Before he can say anything to back-pedal on his assholery, Sylvain’s cheerfulness is back. “I wanted to ask you if you’d like to come with me.”

“Where?”

“Enbarr!” Sylvain laughs. “Visit some old acquaintances including my tattoo artist, go sight-seeing, maybe even sk—”

“Wait. Are you asking me to go on vacation with you?”

“Yep.”

Felix takes a breath to steel himself. This has been nagging at him for the past week, and he should get it out and over with. “I hope this doesn’t come out wrong,” he says and what he hopes as well is that voicing his uncertainty takes the edge off his next words, “but I think we’re rushing through this. This relationship.” Sylvain doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t pull his hand away either. “I don’t want to burn through it in a month.”

“What do you mean?” Felix hates how careful and hesitant Sylvain sounds, how his voice is quiet and apprehensive.

“I started it.” Felix runs a hand through his hair and combs his bangs away from his face. “When I said we could be boyfriends already. You usually give each other a little more time in this first dating phase, at least in my experience. Test out if you really fit.” From the corner of his eye, Felix sees Sylvain shoot him a worried glance. Felix turns his face away from him. “I’m just so insecure. I wanted to bind you to me as fast as I could, so you’d have no chance at changing your mind. And it’s wrong and shitty and—”

“We both decided we want this.”

“Yes, but—”

“No buts. When you asked me to commit to this, I did because I wanted to. I want this, too. I want you, Fe.” Sylvain swallows audibly. “This is new for me. I have no idea what the right pacing is, or if there even is one. So if you tell me we’re rushing, okay, then we’ll take the foot off the accelerator. Just be aware that I’m old enough to make my own decisions, and smart enough to realize that we may both have some inhibitions.” He sighs. “Let’s make sure we’re on the same page. Because I’m happy as is.”

“I am, too,” Felix whispers. He’s happier than he has been in a long, long time, not just because of Sylvain. His tongue is tied in his mouth, however, so squeezing his hand will have to do.

“We’re good?”

“We are.”

“Good.” The smile is back in Sylvain’s voice, and Felix risks a peek to find it’s back on his face as well. “Then how’s this sound? We don’t go this summer, but next. Doesn’t matter if we’re still dating or back to friends, although the latter would be a regrettable worst-case scenario.” Optimistic fuck.

“To Adrestia?”

“Yep. You’ve never been, right?”

“No.”

“Not interested so far? Don’t know anyone from there?”

“That’s not it.” Apart from being friends with Caspar and in a questionable sort of acquaintanceship with Linhardt, Felix burns to get to know more about Sylvain. It’d be a nice chance to stay a week or two, away from the shithole that is Blue Lions, and explore the city, maybe even the countryside. See the sea, get red as a lobster with sunburn—

Yeah, fat chance of that with his arms lined from his hate, his pain, his despair.

Sylvain asks, “Now, hypothetically speaking, would you like to go eventually or not?” Right. Felix failed to not dodge the question and forgot to reply.

“Let’s go next summer. Not this one.”

“All right.” Sylvain’s thumb caresses the back of Felix’s hand absentmindedly. “When do you usually file for vacation leave?”

“Never,” is what forces itself out of Felix’s mouth first, and panic sets in his chest. “Sylvain,” he says quickly after in an attempt to salvage some of his misstep’s potential damage, “do we really have to plan it out already? As soon as I can apply for it, I’ll talk to you. Okay?”

“Okay. Sorry.” Sylvain smiles sheepishly. “I get nervous about these kinda things for no reason.”

“Can you try to tone it down a little?”

“A little I should be able to manage.”

“Good enough for now.”

Sylvain chuckles and squeezes Felix’s hand. “We’re almost there.”

“Where?”

“Surprise.”

Felix narrows his eyes. He didn’t even notice when it happened, but the woods to their right stand on such a steep incline that Felix is level with some of the tree tops. Over them, he is granted a breathtaking view of this part of Faerghus, all trees and hills, and even mountains on the horizon. The sky is already turning this colorless blue it does shortly before the sun sets, which makes him hope Sylvain wasn’t talking shit and really, _really_ knows his way back, even in the dark. To their left, trees line the pathway, although they rise away steeply as well. Lex is trotting next to them, nose to the ground, tail wagging slowly.

They round a last corner, the bushes lining the path and the tree tops from the incline obscuring what lies beyond: In an open space, benches surround a rock that’s just sitting in the middle of the space for fuck’s sake, and offer respite. Sylvain tugs Felix along, however, and as they pass the rock, Felix sees why. There’s water trickling from a small, no, _tiny_ waterfall, so clear the stones and moss underneath are visible.

“It’s a natural spring,” Sylvain whispers. “The water is cold but drinkable.”

“You sure you don’t have to boil it?”

“Never did and never got so much as diarrhea.”

“Ew.”

“I said I did _not_ get it!”

“I heard you the first time.” Felix lets go of Sylvain’s hand and steps up to the waterfall. Its stream splashes into a natural basin below from where it continues its voyage through the woods, its way carved into smoothed rock carpeted with more moss and other water-friendly flora. Up where the waterfall begins, something black with bright yellow accents catches Felix’s attention. When he realizes what it is, he waves Sylvain over.

Sylvain scuttles over and cranes his neck to where Felix is pointing. “A salamander!”

For some reason, the animal isn’t disturbed by Sylvain’s excited cry. “Yes,” Felix agrees, and the salamander still keeps sitting there. “I haven’t seen one in… two decades or so.”

Sylvain bumps his shoulder against Felix’s. “You should get out of the city more often. There’s lots of critters and creatures around, like this little friend.”

“‘Friend’? They’re poisonous.”

“They don’t like to be touched. But you can look at them all you like.” Sylvain wraps an arm around Felix’s shoulders. “Kinda like you.”

“I let you touch me all the time.”

“And you said you only do so because you like me.”

Felix makes a sound that hits somewhere between exasperated sigh and the verbal eye roll.

“Admit it,” Sylvain whispers, dipping his head to make his hot breath tickle Felix’s ear and raise the fine hairs on the back of his neck. “You have a big fat man crush on me.”

At the same time as Felix leans into Sylvain’s touch to absorb more of his heat, his hands ball into fists. “I already admitted as much.”

Sylvain laughs and leaves his bizarre attempt at role playing or whatever this was behind. “C’mon, try it.” His hand unwinds itself from Felix and gives him a little push in the small of his back.

Felix swats the hand away and approaches the spring. The salamander turns its head in his direction but stays put until Felix touches the cold water to scoop some up into his mouth, stray droplets flying off in every direction including at a funny upward angle that hits the salamander. It scuttles off, even with Felix saying, “Fuck,” as a semi-apology by way of realizing his mistake. And when he notices all the water ran through his fingers while he was staring after the salamander, he voices another, “Fuck.”

Sylvain’s sonorous laugh sounds from behind Felix, coming ever closer. “There’ll be plenty more chances to spot forest friends, provided you want to come spend more time with me out here.”

“I do.”

Sylvain brushes away the hair from the nape of Felix’s neck to press a kiss there. “Wanna explore a little more? Get dirty and have to wash it all off once we’re home?”

“I told you I’m not going to have shower sex with you.”

“I never mentioned sex,” Sylvain says, now standing next to Felix. “And neither the shower.” Oh. The bathtub. The one Felix has been dreaming about for longer than he cares to admit. Sylvain nudges his shoulder again. “You haven’t tried the water yet.”

Felix scoops up two handfuls again, this time splashing half of it in his face and the other half in his mouth. It tastes… good. Not like nothing but ice, or like cold water, or air. There’s a taste to it that Felix doesn’t want to call _sweet_ , but _clear_. There’s nature in here, like it’s all around him. Sylvain steps up next to him and takes a mouthful of the water, too, wiping his dripping chin with the sleeve of his jacket. Right. Felix wipes at his own mouth. “You mentioned exploring.”

“I did.” Sylvain leads Felix to the left where the open space loses itself in the woods again. Lex perks up at the movement and he leaps over a shallow trench Felix takes great care to watch himself step over lest he end up breaking an ankle. The ground is muddy, and Felix mentally pats himself on the shoulder for having packed and now wearing a pair of boots that can get dirty all it wants. The ground grows more solid anyway after one step in the mud, the trees’ and bushes’ roots as well as solid rock giving a wrong impression of a good foothold.

Well. They’re young.

Sylvain is already waiting for Felix higher up on the spring, balancing along the rocks, while Lex darts farther into the woods. Felix joins Sylvain but only walks as far as he dares, which is less close to the water. It looks slippery here, and he doesn’t need to hit his head or soil more than his boots. Or scrape open his hands like the one time he waded into a river, discovered the ground is slippery as fuck, landed flat on his ass, and failed to get a decent hold until his brother pulled him up and out.

The sun kissing the horizon paints their surroundings in an orange hue, the shadows stretching into grotesque slendermen. Sylvain’s hair sits high enough to get some of the sun on it despite the budding foliage overhead, and it flares. He half-turns to Felix, cheeks rosy, eyes crinkling, lips slanting upwards, and asks, “What do you say?”

“To what?”

“This place. The little surprise.”

“I—” Felix looks around. Despite having gone neither far nor deep, this little excursion reminds him of why he used to go exploring so much. It’s pure and simple fun to go out and see, smell, touch nature all around. This is what his forebears saw when they left their shitty huts a couple centuries ago, and this is what still runs strongly in Felix’s blood: the need to be out here, and to experience it all. “I missed this.”

“Missed what?”

“Leaving my suburban tomb.”

“Aw.” Sylvain steps up to Felix to sling an arm around his shoulders and pull him closer. Leaning into his embrace, Felix lets himself be held.

“Where did you bury your box?”

A chuckle rumbles through Sylvain’s chest. “Not anywhere close to here. I went out from my parent’s place back then.” He tilts his head towards Felix and rests it on his shoulder. “And I don’t want them to see me by chance.”

“You or us?”

“Both.” Sylvain slumps against Felix, so he steps around to hold him up through the embrace. “And, no offense, but I’m not ready to dig it out with you yet.”

“None taken.” There’s time. There should be time. If Sylvain is allowed to dream about them vacationing in Adrestia, Felix can think about digging out Sylvain’s old treasure. “It’s getting dark. Let’s go back.”

Sylvain chuckles. “I know, I know. You think we won’t find our way back.” He disentangles himself from Felix and whistles sharply on his fingers. Half a minute later, Lex emerges from wherever he went off to, a branch in mouth. “Did you find a new toy?” Sylvain asks and takes the proffered stick. “All wet with your drool. Just how I like it.”

Felix snorts and follows Sylvain back out and onto the path from before. Sylvain throws the stick an impressive distance, Lex running after it, his tail whirling like a propeller. “What’s for dinner?” Felix asks into the silence. The birds have ceased their relentless chatter, and he didn’t even notice when.

“I was thinking pasta for the carbs?”

“Sounds good.”

“But no meat.” Sounds bad. “Because I read that eating too much of it makes your poop weird and that’s bad for anal—”

Felix chokes on his spit and coughs. How’s Sylvain arrived _there_? And then the condom conversation is back in Felix’s head. “You ate meat yesterday. You already fucked it up.”

“I guess.” Sylvain laughs. “I just don’t want to gross you out.” As if remembering the state of his hand, Sylvain wipes it off on his pants. Which doesn’t amount to a lot since Lex is back and makes Sylvain throw the stick again.

“You really want me to do your ass?”

“Yeah?” Sylvain turns to look at Felix in the failing light of the day. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“It… it is.”

“See?” Sylvain grins. “I’ve been fantasizing about it for the better part of the week.” He looks back ahead to see where to throw the stick this time.

Asking for details will endanger Felix’s ability to walk comfortably. The way Sylvain started this, however, is his usual unfair way of teasing, dangling what Felix wants right before his face and snatching his hand up when Felix makes a grab for it. Acting either way is likely to play right into Sylvain’s hands, and one way has a big chance of satisfying Felix’s curiosity. “Cognitional or with the help of your hands?”

“You should know me well enough by now to guess my hands played a major part.”

“An… interesting image.”

Sylvain’s grin flashes white in the growing darkness. “In my fantasies, what you were doing to me felt really good.”

“I’m afraid I’m going to fall short of your expectations.”

“You really think I’m setting myself up here, huh?”

“Yes.”

“I have tried pegging before.”

Felix grinds his teeth. “I know. But it’s not the same.”

“Yeah. I expect a real dick would be hotter.”

“Sylvain. I don’t last forever. I’m going to come eventually, and then I’ll be soft. A dildo is always hard.”

“And it would throb.” Sylvain’s voice hits a deeper register, and he hums to himself in a way that sounds close to a groan.

“Are you even listening to me?”

“I am, but I decided not to heed your word too much.” Sylvain links his hands behind his head when Lex returns without the stick. “See, this is the first time I’m attracted to a person beyond their sexual performance. All the things I’m feeling when you touch me… it’s indescribable. I refuse to believe you stimulating my prostate and fucking into my ass could be anything but amazing.”

Felix sighs and then wishes he didn’t when Sylvain presents his heart on a platter like this.

“And the pegging?” Sylvain continues. “I was, uh, 26? 27? When I last did it.”

So it’s been a few years. “So you don’t remember a lot?”

“I remember it felt nice.”

“But not nice enough to try it out again.”

Sylvain laughs. “I’m not a fan of inexperienced partners in bed. And frankly, most women have no idea how to properly thrust into someone. I expect you’ve done it before.” Sylvain licks his lips. “And I’m not gonna lie, I think balls dangling back and forth during sex look pretty damn sexy.”

“Too bad you won’t be able to see my balls.”

Sylvain chuckles. “You forgot my mirror.”

Oh. Oh, right. “…I did.”

Sylvain takes a sharp left and trundles down through the woods to his property. “So, dinner first or—”

“Dinner. And let’s not discuss sex in too much detail. I prefer spontaneity over planning.”

Sylvain turns his head enough for Felix to see his grin. “Gotcha.”

* * *

Dinner consisted of spaghetti and spicy tomato sauce. Dessert consists of Sylvain lying in bed, propped up on one elbow, Felix’s tongue deep in his mouth, his hands massaging Felix’s crotch. It’s going to be spicy, too.

“Where did you put the lube and condoms?” Felix asks, voice husky, as he helps Sylvain slip out of his t-shirt.

“Wait.” Sylvain’s arms are free of the t-shirt but not his head. Felix raises an eyebrow but retracts his hands from Sylvain. The way Sylvain doesn’t do anything about the state of his shirt is making it hard for Felix to keep a straight face, even with Sylvain’s back turned to him as he walks over to his wardrobe and takes the desired items out of a drawer. Is this the sex drawer? If so, what else is in there? “Here you go. Bought everything as instructed.”

Felix doesn’t bother to read the labels but since Sylvain insists on sitting down on the edge of the mattress and waiting until enough time passed, Felix looks at the words anyway, without making sense of them. “If you’re oh-so experienced,” he says, raising his chin to look Sylvain in the eyes, “what do you prefer? Lying on your back or with your ass in the air?”

Sylvain smirks. “I know which one you’d prefer.”

“This sure? Maybe I’m both a tits and an ass man.”

The comeback makes Sylvain’s brows furrow. Hah! Finally got the best of him for a change. “I’d like to see your face when you do it. So, uh, we can try missionary unless I deem it too uncomfortable?”

“Your call.” Felix places the items Sylvain handed him next to himself and pulls Sylvain’s t-shirt off completely. To make a point (which one exactly, Felix isn’t sure), he throws it against the wall, listens to the satisfying thud, and watches it fall down to the floor. Better. “Pants off. Socks off. Lie down.”

“Yes, sir.” Sylvain doesn’t go for the salute which Felix silently thanks him for, and instead opens his belt. Felix makes sure his hair tie is still in place while watching Sylvain strip without turning it into a show. His jeans slide off, then he pulls at his socks. Both join his t-shirt.

“You’re forgetting something vital.”

“‘Vital’?” Sylvain grins. His erection is outlined against his briefs, teasing Felix who can’t stop from licking his lips. Pull your gaze up, look Sylvain straight in the eyes. Better.

“How else am I supposed to stick anything in your asshole?”

Sylvain’s grins widens and his cheeks redden. “Touché.” His fingers hook into his briefs’ waistband and rolls them down over his legs. Felix tilts his head as he makes sure to watch his favorite scene. The undies make a thud as they hit the wall and a way, way softer one as they fall onto the heap of Sylvain’s clothes. “Better?”

“Much.” Felix touches a finger to the tip of Sylvain’s cock, rubs his thumb over it, and retracts his hand just when Sylvain starts moaning happily. “Now lie down already.”

“Bien sûr, mon chéri.”

Seiros. Felix isn’t certain he understands this correctly, but if he is, fuck Sylvain for finding workarounds for pet names. Rolling his eyes at Sylvain, Felix parts the man’s legs and and surmises his entrance. Exit. Whatever. No ass hair, no ass pimples, no ass discoloration, no visible nor… smellable… leftovers… Felix fights the urge to clear his throat. He should stop thinking about this as rationally, and just appreciate the perfect ass presented to him. After spitting against his fingers, Felix touches them to Sylvain’s hole, causing Sylvain to squirm and hum in pleased anticipation. Good so far.

When Felix pushes his middle finger against it, Sylvain tenses. “Relax.” He grasps Sylvain’s shaft with his free hand and pleasures him a little this way until he does relax. Then Felix forgoes the plan with the spit and fumbles with the bottle of lube until he can pour a generous amount to spread around his fingers. “I’ll try again. Hold your breath and release it together with me, okay?”

“Together?”

Felix takes one of Sylvain’s hands in his. “It’s been a while after all, huh.”

“Yeah.” Sylvain smiles sheepishly up at Felix. “Can I take off your shirt?”

“We’re great at forgetting stuff.” Felix lets go again to have Sylvain undress his torso. The clothes will need to be washed, what with Felix’s lubricated hand chafing against the fabric despite his best efforts. “Better?” Felix asks when the shirt has joined the other clothes.

“Yes.”

With one of Sylvain’s hands in one of his again, Felix uses the other to circle, then push against Sylvain’s entrance (this is what it’s going to be now, because all Felix wants to think about is how he’s going to stick something in there). He squeezes his hand, Sylvain exhales, and the middle finger slips inside to the second knuckle. See? It can be this easy. “All good?”

“Yes. Doesn’t hurt.”

Felix’s lips curl into a smile and he shuffles around Sylvain on his knees, finger staying where it is, to place a kiss on his lips. Sylvain pulls him down with both arms and embraces both him and the kiss so fiercely Felix needs a second to regain himself. Once he does, he slowly wriggles his finger farther inside Sylvain’s rectum. It’s hard to concentrate like this, but he finds the roundness he was looking for inside Sylvain nevertheless. Rubbing his finger against it makes Sylvain hum and moan into his mouth, and gasp frantically when Sylvain can’t uphold the kiss anymore.

“Want me to blow you a little?” Felix asks, much to Sylvain’s apparent amusement because he starts laughing.

“I’d come immediately.”

“Bad. We’ll need to work on your stamina in this case.”

“I thought I was doing pretty goo— Ah.”

Felix’s gone back to rubbing Sylvain’s prostate. With his eyes free to roam Sylvain’s body once more, Felix finds out that Sylvain is more than just vocally enjoying this, what with his cock twitching deliciously, invitingly even. Felix moves back around to work a second finger inside Sylvain as well as his own straining pants open.

Sylvain’s pleased whimpers drown out someone else’s whimpers. The connection eventually flares to life and Felix turns his head to see Lex’s nose and whiskers peek into the room. Aw, no. Not right now. “I need to lock out your dog,” Felix says, his own sigh barely concealed by Sylvain’s own as Felix pulls his fingers out of the other man’s ass. His pants are still on, only the button and fly open, and Felix checks to see that nothing too incriminating is visible. Well, Lex won’t understand. “You can’t come in now,” Felix says, shoving at Lex’s snout with his clean hand. “Your papa is about to get sodomized.” Lex whines but the insistent pressure against his snout makes him turn, even when Sylvain bursts out in laughter from the bed. Felix shuts the door and rejoins him, taking the chance to lube up his fingers a little more. “What? It’s true.”

“I can’t wait any longer.”

Felix rolls his eyes and places his fingers, now with a third one, back against Sylvain’s entrance. “Let’s do this properly.”

“It takes forever,” Sylvain whines, then tightens, breath hitching as Felix slowly pushes his fingers inside. At least this makes him shut up.

The way Sylvain tries and fails to keep from squirming, the way he pants, the way he smiles up at Felix, make it ever more obvious how neglected Felix’s own physical pleasure in this is. He slides his free hand inside his pants and strokes his cock in time with his fingers moving in Sylvain. After a minute during which Felix only grows more impatient, he removes either hand from its designated work and fumbles around with his pants to rid himself of them. (And of his socks. Never again forget the socks.) Sylvain’s eyes burn on his back and lock with Felix’s when the latter turns around. “As ready as you’ll get?”

“Yeah. But,” Sylvain’s gaze drops to Felix’s cock, “lemme help you get ready, too.” Felix arches an eyebrow but quickly relents when Sylvain grasps his shaft and gives it a few expert strokes while simultaneously somehow tugging at it. Or perhaps it’s his eyes, his lips, begging, no, pleading Felix to shuffle closer until Sylvain can press them to the tip and lick at it. His mouth soon engulfs the whole tip, then Sylvain pushes himself up on his elbows to fit even more inside. Let’s hope his ass is as receptive. Seiros. Felix can’t help his stupid snort at his stupider thought, and Sylvain looks up, leans back, leaves Felix’s cock be, and asks, “I want to laugh, too.”

“You already did.”

“Aw, c’mon!” Sylvain sits up again and grabs both the condoms and the bottle of lube. He picks at the package until he gets one condom free, rips open the wrapper, and places the thing on the tip of Felix’s cock. “Enlighten me.”

Felix looks away, and down when Sylvain unrolls the condom and pushes it up again and again until it fits snugly. He wants to watch this. “It’s inappropriate.”

“And what we do isn’t?”

Felix sighs. “I likened your mouth to your ass.”

“Yeah, they both spew a load of shit.”

Felix glares at Sylvain, making eye contact. “I hate you.”

Sylvain grins up at him as he settles down again, lube pooling in the palm of his hand. “Fuck me like you hate me,” he sings. He wraps his hand around Felix’s cock, spreading the lube all over it.

“Watch your mouth.”

“That’s the shit part—”

“Seriously, shut the fuck up. I liked it more when you were too addled to speak.”

Sylvain smiles up at Felix, his hand still grasping Felix’s cock and moving back and forth. “Make me again.”

Felix bares his teeth in reply, moves back to between Sylvain’s legs, and pushes them farther apart. His hands travel up Sylvain’s legs from his thighs to his cheeks, which Felix lifts while relishing in the feeling of his fingers digging into Sylvain’s flesh. Regrettably, he has to let go with one hand to guide his penis inside.

Sylvain’s breath hitches, yet there’s still enough of it left for him to say, “Tell me when you’re all the way in.”

“If you tell me should it start to hurt. Or get too uncomfortable.” Felix slowly pushes his way inside, past what his fingers were able to stretch out. It’s a cliché that ass is supposed to be tight and hot, and here he is, slipping ever deeper into Sylvain’s tight and hot ass. He goes slowly, for both of them to relish the sensation, hoping that Sylvain’s pleasure extends to this. Better to make sure. “How is it so far?”

“Good. Better than expected.” Sylvain laughs, strained. “After your tirade earlier—”

“It wasn’t a tirade and I thought you weren’t listening anyway.” Felix reaches for Sylvain’s cock and strokes its base, working his way upwards in what he hopes feels excruciatingly slow for the other man. “Now shut up.”

Sylvain hums in assent, even nods his head a few times, a smile curving his lips, his eyes fluttering closed. The only noises he makes now are ones of pleasure at the price of some discomfort. It’s clear which one is overwhelming the other, though.

Felix leans over him as best he can, dissatisfied he can’t kiss and fuck Sylvain at the same time because someone forgot to give him height. Whatever. He alternates between pushing his way a fraction deeper and pulling out a little bit for a careful thrust. It takes forever, to echo Sylvain’s observation (and unlucky him for being unable to watch how Felix’s cock disappears inside him; it’s a vast turn-on for Felix, at any rate), but after the forever has passed, Felix can declare, “I’m in to the balls.”

“Wait,” Sylvain says breathlessly. His brows furrow as he looks up at Felix. “It’s a little uncomfortable but it doesn’t hurt.”

“Want me to move?”

“Slowly.”

Felix complies. It’s tender and passionate in a different way from anything else they’ve done so far. His own pants and groans rattle his body while Sylvain looks up at him with half-lidded eyes and a shy grin on his face. One of his hands moves to touch himself in the time of Felix’s movements. Time is of no consequence in these precious moments that feel stolen. It goes on forever, and then suddenly, Sylvain tightens even more around Felix as he gasps his name, weak and happy.

Felix rocks into him one last time before he comes himself. It’d be nice to just collapse and let sleep take over, but at the same time he’d love to clean up. He could nap while soaking in Sylvain’s tub. This is a call Felix doesn’t want to resist. “I’m going for a bath.”

Sylvain only hums in reply. His eyes are closed and he looks ready to pass out himself.

“Suit yourself,” Felix mutters. He peels off the condom before realizing Sylvain lacks a garbage can in the bedroom. Great. Felix somehow manages to slip into his discarded briefs with his free hand and opts against bringing any clothes with him he’d just end up soiling with lube or bodily… discharge.

Thankfully, there’s both garbage disposal and hand washing facilities in the bathroom. Hands clean, Felix plugs the tub and lets in hot water.

He didn’t count on the tub to take an eternity to fill.

Lex joins him, yipping, and Felix occupies himself by digging his fingers into the dog’s fur and petting him until the tub’s half full. “Go look after your papa,” Felix whispers and gives Lex a playful shove. The dog whines but turns. Felix, meanwhile, pours soap into the tub, then abandons his briefs and slips inside the hot water.

It’s perfect.

* * *

Only when the water has lost most of its warmth does Felix step out of it and dry himself off. He then wraps the towel around his waist. Thusly attired he walks back into the bedroom for a fresh change of clothes to sleep in.

Sylvain is still lying on his back in the exact place Felix left him. “Really?” Felix asks. When Sylvain doesn’t react, Felix quickly drops the towel and changes. Afterwards he walks over to the bed, sits down on the mattress, and shakes Sylvain on the shoulders.

His eyes flutter open. “Wh-what?” he asks, bleary-eyed, rubbing at his face.

“While you were busy being unconscious—”

“You studied the blade, I know.” Sylvain yawns and stretches his arms up with the precise focus needed to almost punch Felix.

“Are you… all right?”

“Peachy.” Sylvain smiles serenely. Oh. Well. Wow. Felix did not expect him to end up satisfied enough to not only pass out but suffer from some kind of brain delay.

“I took a bath,” Felix finishes his earlier statement. Sylvain blinks up at him, still smiling. “Perhaps you should clean up, too.” Felix makes a sweeping gesture over Sylvain’s belly, onto which he ejaculated and then failed to clean himself off. Thankfully Lex hasn’t licked it off. The thought alone makes Felix shudder.

“Why the hurry?” Sylvain sighs in contentment.

“I’ve been gone for over an hour and you didn’t notice.”

“I did, too! It’d be so much better with you in my arms.”

Felix rolls his eyes at Sylvain’s smile. While he may be loafing around on cloud nine, Felix knows what disgust feels like. “Does your ass hurt?” he asks.

“A little bit.”

“Can you get up?”

Another sigh, this one sorrowful. “You’ll make me, won’t you.” It’s not even a question, so Felix doesn’t bother answering. Instead, he pulls at Sylvain’s tattooed arm until Sylvain heaves himself up into a sitting position. “Can you help me clean up?” he asks while he shuffles around until he’s standing. Sylvain takes a few wobbly steps on the mattress until his feet reach the floor.

“Yes. Come with me.” Felix holds out his hand, and thank the saints Sylvain uses his last working braincell to grab it with his clean one. His steps are careful, but he doesn’t show other signs of distress. After throwing a last look back at the bed to confirm Sylvain’s ass at the very least dripped lube down into the sheets, Felix leads Sylvain to the bathroom. “How’s it feel?”

“Good. I mean, it hurts a teeny-tiny bit, but not in the way it hurt after my times being pegged, which is funny because I’d bet money your dick is both thicker and longer than the dildos they used.” Sylvain brushes his thumb over Felix’s hand. “And while you were doing it, it felt so amazing. I’ve never felt anything like it before.”

“I figured, the way you turned into mush.”

Sylvain laughs. “I swear I never came as hard before. And it also made me feel like my heart would burst. Man, you looked so hot and sexy…”

“I’m not ready for a second round.”

Sylvain runs his lube-stained hand through his hair, making it clump together with the liquid. He should look the absolute opposite from his description of Felix, and yet he’s still attractive beyond belief. “I know this’ll sound weird coming from me, the love machine,” and yeah, thanks for the earworm, fucker, and Sylvain knows what he’s done judging by his sly fox grin, “but I don’t think I can go the next couple of days. Which is sorta sad, when you think about it, but then again, I know now what to do the day before one of us has to go to keep me sated for the week.” He leans down to press a kiss against Felix’s temple.

Felix beckons Sylvain into the shower. “We’ll see about that.” Still, the thought of Sylvain enjoying cock up his ass this much, and especially so when attached to it is the rest of Felix, makes his stomach flutter.

In case Sylvain’s brain misinformed him about the condition of his ass, Felix stays. He covers his concern by preoccupying himself with shaving and brushing his teeth while listening to Sylvain singing some garbled mess under the shower. It’s still good, although Felix refrains from humming along. Not him. Never.

Eventually, Sylvain reemerges, skin flushed, eyes warm. Nothing sticky anywhere remains. He towels himself off rudimentarily before walking over to the sink to join Felix, bumping his shoulder against the smaller man’s. “You were making sure I was okay.”

“Was I?”

Sylvain kisses Felix on the cheek, then smiles at him through the mirror. “You were. Thank you. It’s very sweet of you.”

Felix wants to roll his eyes and instead smiles back. “I’m going to bed now.”

“Is this a question asking if I’ll be able to join you on my own?”

“Maybe.”

“I will.” Sylvain smiles again. “Go on.”

Felix does. And remembers the stained sheets as soon as his eyes fall on them. Sighing, he strips the bed of its sheet—in the heat of the moment, they managed not to spill the lube or other, unmentionable fluids anywhere else. Now Felix has no idea where Sylvain puts his dirty stuff, and neither does he know where to find a clean sheet, so he goes through the wardrobe as place to start. After all, that’s where Felix keeps his sheets at home.

Sylvain, however? He swims in clothes. It’s a surprise he doesn’t have a walk-in, knowing him. After leaning back to check that, yeah, Sylvain is taking his sweet time getting ready in the bathroom or letting out Lex, Felix dives in. He doesn’t have a lot of time to pick a good one, but his fingers guide him to a fabric so soft on the outside that Felix stops thinking altogether and pulls the piece out. It’s a zip-up hoodie that quickly vanishes in Felix’s bag, buried deep under his last change of clothes for the stay.

Seiros. Felix could just ask and not feel like a criminal. Or worse, someone who sniffs on other people’s used underwear. Yeah, let’s not go there. Felix hurries back to the wardrobe and inspects the contents some more. “Whatcha doing?” Sylvain asks not a full minute after Felix having done his little deed, heart still racing in his chest, the clothes inside hopefully as tidy as they were before Felix interfered.

Felix leans back again to watch Sylvain walk over to him. “Looking for a fresh sheet.”

“What’s wrong with the old one?” Sylvain turns his head to look at his bed. His brows draw up. Honestly, Felix prefers smart-ass Sylvain to slow-ass Sylvain.

“Soiled.”

“Oh, uh, sorry.”

“It was mostly lube and I refused to check further.”

“Thank you for trying to keep my dignity intact.” Sylvain walks past Felix and opens a drawer at the far end of the wardrobe. Both sheets and cases for pillows and covers are in there, neatly divided into three sections. Felix walks up to him and helps him stretch the sheet over the mattress while balancing the pillows and covers above the floor.

This done, Felix crawls into bed and waits for Sylvain to turn off the lights. He carries the dirty clothes, including Felix’s, and the sheet off somewhere, before Felix gets the chance to snuggle close to him. His skin isn’t flushed from the shower anymore, but still hot, always hot. It feels wonderful pressed up against his back, and it feels just as good to turn over and press his face into the crook of Sylvain’s neck and breathe his cinnamon and apple smell in.

“Sleep well,” Felix whispers against Sylvain’s skin. The far end of the mattress slopes as Lex lies down, sighing when he curls up into a ball after trampling the bed in circles.

“You, too.” Sylvain strokes Felix’s hair until oblivion takes him.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've come this far, please consider leaving kudos and/or a comment. I thrive on positive feedback!
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading! <3


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